hotgurl Posted December 9, 2014 Share Posted December 9, 2014 I don't understand why you are even mad she didn't send a thank you note or text. According to one of your post you husband only tried to contact her like 3 times since July threw a bunch of unwrapped stuff in a box, sent it to her late and texted her HAppy Birthday late it the day. It is like a big slap in the face. I don't really care about you but I feel bad so I am doing this. Way to go. I bet the kid felt like crap. I wouldn't say thank you either. There was no thoughtfulness involved. I just feel sorry for her all around. your previous post. So yesterday was stepdaughter's birthday. I've been hearing from H for he past few weeks "We need to keep the lines of communication open with her. I really wish you would text her but it seems like you don't want to." Um I am not the one she is mad at and I didn't text her much before this whole incident! I guarantee you that if I text her I will hear back from her. He is making sound like I am doing something wrong by not communicating with her. Hey YOU are the one who has barely tried talking to her in almost 3 months. One text session that went back a forth a few times because she thought you were someone else and then stopped when she found out it was you. You haven't tried calling or sending her a letter or saying you're SORRY, but instead you think that sending her a big box of presents for her birthday is the way to go. And you can't even do THAT! I got her a couple of things and threw then into the box and he goes "Aren't you going to wrap those"? Okay so I wrap them and put them in the box. Meanwhile he's got DVD's and video games sitting in there unwrapped that he says he'll get to wrapping. This box has been sitting on our living room floor in the same spot for almost 2 weeks. Her birthday was yesterday and this box is still sitting there with unwrapped gifts. Nothing says "I am trying to make up with you" like birthday presents that can't get to her on time due to simple laziness. I texted her happy birthday yesterday and just as I suspected, she got back to me right away and we texted back and forth a few times. He didn't get around until texting her happy birthday until about 6PM last night and has not heard anything from her. It's almost like he's getting back at her because she never called to tell him happy birthday or happy father's day or ever got him anything so he's giving her a taste of her own medicine. Yup, way to get your daughter back! 3 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted December 10, 2014 Share Posted December 10, 2014 Adults have to take the high road. Kids rebel and have reactions to chaos in their families in extreme ways, but they all need to know you care enough to try. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Toodaloo Posted December 11, 2014 Share Posted December 11, 2014 She's a kid. Be the bigger person. Get her an Amazon gift card or send her cash if you can't think of anything else. Can't stress this enough. I know she is not yours but she is your partners and was there before you, wasn't kept as secret so boo sucks to you. She comes first. Be the grown up and get her a gift sign it off from the both of you. I actually think your behaviour has been really destructive. Kids are kids and during their teenage years they are rotten because its when they are testing their own and others boundaries. She is learning where as you should know how to be an adult by now. Poor kid. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mapper71 Posted December 11, 2014 Author Share Posted December 11, 2014 I don't think the OP wants to leave the door open for her step-daughter. I think she's secretly happy she is not visiting anymore. Buying her a gift would show that she's open to a relationship with her, which she's not. Oh I'm not SECRETLY happy...I'm OVERJOYED she isn't visiting!! Just nobody else around me seems to get my subtleness. I don't buy a gift for my husband, but I have a relationship with him. I don't buy a gift for my mom, but I still have a relationship with her. Friends who I hardly talk to during the year send me little gifts that are ridiculous but I don't send anything to them and we still have a relationship. Yet by me not sending SD a gift you think I am being terribly cruel??? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mapper71 Posted December 11, 2014 Author Share Posted December 11, 2014 So did I. But those types of expectations are TAUGHT and if there is no one her life to teach her these things, why be so angry about it? Heck, my new step kids are practically model citizens in comparison, and their mother never taught them this simply act of courtesy either. I am teaching them that they have to write thank-you notes. Part of the job of being a stepmother is teaching and helping and you can do that by being gracious and kind. THAT is the point. And when the gift is given, you can politely bring it up later that one should give thanks for gifts given. I'm curious Mapper, do you carry the weight of this vitriol out in the open all the time to everyone else - or is it just here that you vent your anger? Because it would seem mightily unhealthy to express this amount of angst all the time over stuff like this... Nope all my anger comes out here. Otherwise I've heard people say "You are so low key we don't know how you can be so accommodating all the time and so happy". Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted December 11, 2014 Share Posted December 11, 2014 Oh I'm not SECRETLY happy...I'm OVERJOYED she isn't visiting!! Just nobody else around me seems to get my subtleness. I don't buy a gift for my husband, but I have a relationship with him. I don't buy a gift for my mom, but I still have a relationship with her. Friends who I hardly talk to during the year send me little gifts that are ridiculous but I don't send anything to them and we still have a relationship. Yet by me not sending SD a gift you think I am being terribly cruel??? Kids are different than adults. It will not kill you to buy your step daughter a gift. Maybe right now things aren't good with the step daughter, but things WILL get better as time goes on. You being the adult and the stepmom to her, it's best to show her compassion and love! When she comes around again, it'll be the little things that she will remember...You still got her a gift at Xmas even though you all weren't getting along well at that time. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Rejected Rosebud Posted December 12, 2014 Share Posted December 12, 2014 This whole thread just makes me think, "bah humbug"!!! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MuddyFootprints Posted December 12, 2014 Share Posted December 12, 2014 Please, please, get her something. Show this poor child some much needed love, even if you feel it's excessive. It may not seem important to you, but it will mean so much to her. She's still a little girl in a big girl body. Link to post Share on other sites
Toodaloo Posted December 15, 2014 Share Posted December 15, 2014 Oh I'm not SECRETLY happy...I'm OVERJOYED she isn't visiting!! Just nobody else around me seems to get my subtleness. I don't buy a gift for my husband, but I have a relationship with him. I don't buy a gift for my mom, but I still have a relationship with her. Friends who I hardly talk to during the year send me little gifts that are ridiculous but I don't send anything to them and we still have a relationship. Yet by me not sending SD a gift you think I am being terribly cruel??? Husband = grown up Mom = grown up Friends = grown ups Your step daughter = messed up and feeling rejected CHILD. I can't see how you can't understand the difference... Children need to be able to make mistakes and be grumpy and discover how to deal with emotions, relationships, upsetting people and making people happy in a safe environment. Ergo with their parents and step parents/ extended family. You married into this. She was not a secret. You chose this. If you can't be arsed with your partners kids then you shouldn't have married him in the first place. You did so you obviously accepted that so grow up and get a grip. I am getting so angry with your complete lack of empathy or consideration for this child... Is like saying a baby shouldn't have its nappy changed because it poops. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
tippydog90 Posted December 16, 2014 Share Posted December 16, 2014 Wow. Just wow. I feel so, so sorry for this girl. If you think she is not aware of the obvious contempt you feel for her, think again. She knows. You are profoundly affecting her well being given your feelings for her because she is certainly aware. Do her a favor, forget the present, divorce her dad and get out of her life. I have never seen someone talk so cruelly about a child. She is acting like a typical teenager and you are acting like a spoiled brat throwing a tantrum because "I don't want to play with little susie". Wow, just unbelievable. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
SpiralOut Posted December 16, 2014 Share Posted December 16, 2014 If you really hate giving gifts so much just mail her a card with a 20 dollar bill in it, or a cheque or a giftcard. You must hide your feelings very well because she thinks you care about her. Have you told your husband to say he is sorry? Because that's what he needs to do. Have him write an apology letter and send it to her and let that be your gift. No shopping necessary. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Shepp Posted December 16, 2014 Share Posted December 16, 2014 however I texted her Happy Birthday and she got right back to me and we texted each other a few more times. She is not upset with me, but with him. Poor kid! End of the day you got what you wanted, you won, she lost and the kid is so out of her depth here that she doesn't even see the role in this your playing! If the girls got an attitude then who could blame her!! Of course her dad should buy her a present. He's her dad. Everything she is, is the genetics and the environment he's given to her! His love should be unconditional and he should keep showing her that - more now she's questioning it than ever. But if I was her tbh I'd stay right out of yours and his lives too! All you guys ever do is let her down, and let her down, and let her down!! No surprise she's shutting the door to that part of her life! Her dad's a child and her stepmum wants her out the picture!! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SpiralOut Posted December 17, 2014 Share Posted December 17, 2014 Her dad's a child and her stepmum wants her out the picture!! Heh. I just read this and realized that I talked about him in my post as if he is a child. Nobody should have to tell him to apologize but apparently somebody does because he's not doing it.... just like a kid. OP, since you don't care about your stepdaughter just do it to make your husband happy at least. I'm assuming that you want a good relationship with him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mapper71 Posted December 18, 2014 Author Share Posted December 18, 2014 Wow. Just wow. I feel so, so sorry for this girl. If you think she is not aware of the obvious contempt you feel for her, think again. She knows. You are profoundly affecting her well being given your feelings for her because she is certainly aware. Do her a favor, forget the present, divorce her dad and get out of her life. I have never seen someone talk so cruelly about a child. She is acting like a typical teenager and you are acting like a spoiled brat throwing a tantrum because "I don't want to play with little susie". Wow, just unbelievable. The typical teenager who throws every curse word possible at her dad and says horrible horrible things that can never be taken back? Is THAT what is typical these days? Gee, I guess I just wasn't the "typical" teenager then. Mea culpa! Link to post Share on other sites
darkmoon Posted December 18, 2014 Share Posted December 18, 2014 (edited) ten whole days of this thread, over one gift at xmas ffs, makes me think you want your husband to dislike his kid and prefer you Edited December 18, 2014 by darkmoon 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mapper71 Posted December 18, 2014 Author Share Posted December 18, 2014 ten whole days of this thread, over one gift at xmas ffs, makes me think you want your husband to dislike his kid and prefer you Sorry! I can't help it that I treat him better than she does It's her own prerogative to treat him like crap. And no, he doesn't dislike her! He just doesn't like what she's doing. And yes I know, he's just as much to blame for what he's doing! Link to post Share on other sites
darkmoon Posted December 18, 2014 Share Posted December 18, 2014 (edited) Sorry! I can't help it that I treat him better than she does It's her own prerogative to treat him like crap. And no, he doesn't dislike her! He just doesn't like what she's doing. And yes I know, he's just as much to blame for what he's doing! are you and him still having sex while this is going on? Edited December 18, 2014 by darkmoon Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mapper71 Posted December 18, 2014 Author Share Posted December 18, 2014 are you and him still having sex while this is going on? Of course! Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted December 19, 2014 Share Posted December 19, 2014 Really? So I shouldn't even expect an acknowledgement or a thank you unless I prompt her with "Ahem, did you get my gift"? I grew up being expected to write (yes hand write!) thank you cards to everyone who gave me something and I did it without fail no later than the day after I received it. When you can't even get a thank you (verbal, written or texted) for something, what is the point? No, you SHOULDN'T. You can HOPE for it, but your expectation should have nothing to do with what you DO for a person. Giving is done for the gift of giving - not to get something (even an acknowledgment) in return. This isn't about you. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted December 19, 2014 Share Posted December 19, 2014 Good grief, just give the kid a present. A gift card to a clothing store or an itune gift card! She is 16, far from an adult and she's in that dramatic teen stage, trust me she'll get over it as time goes on. And teens say tons of awful things, sassy and rude things. IT just is what it is and she'll grow out of it as she gets older. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
nittygritty Posted December 19, 2014 Share Posted December 19, 2014 I hope he manages to heal his relationship with her too, but that's no reason to spend ungodly amounts of money on her! Let's see, a $300 guitar that never got played and sits in the corner of her room, a $300 camera that she broke immediately, $150 boots that got ruined immediately, a $400 PS4 that never gets used. Yup brilliant decisions on his part! Meanwhile, he can't pay his share of the bills, but he can go broke for his daughter who wont' speak to him or give him a simple thank you for those gifts! It's understanding why you would be mad that he doesn't pay his share of the bills. You would probably be better off financially alone than with someone that financially and emotionally abuses you like that. Get yourself an appointment with an attorney for Christmas and be done with it. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
autumnnight Posted December 20, 2014 Share Posted December 20, 2014 Wow. With respect, this reminds me of Cinderella's stepmother sans the stepsisters. How old are you? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
USMCHokie Posted December 21, 2014 Share Posted December 21, 2014 Haven't gone through this whole thread, but I'd be more concerned that your husband doesn't say the gift is from both of you. Who could be that petty anyway...? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
firemanq Posted January 18, 2015 Share Posted January 18, 2015 Kids are the ones who pay the most for a divorce. We do not know the reason she is so mean to her father, possibly the result of the mother telling lies about dad, possibly dad is the one seen/is at fault for the breakup of the family. Or the child takes out her anger at everyone. I see 2 unhappy females here. One is the child who is w/o a father figure. The other is the OP, who seems to have some issues with gift giving/receiving, and jealousy of the child. The father is trying to buy the girl's affection with gifts. Maybe she would react better if he went to the girl's home and took her out for a grown-up dinner, not McD. Or a music event, not the current crap (OK, I admit it, I am 67) but a symphony, a play, a musical. Keep it short, write a list of things to talk about, and a list of what not to talk about. Subjects blaming mom, bitching about how he got screwed, how mom is a slut, are taboo. Maybe a shopping trip for clothing appropriate for the date. But no underwear, that is creepy. Give her flowers when he gets there. If that is too structured, a walk in the woods or the park, feed the ducks. The best gift is himself. The child needs a good father figure. She is at the age where she is vulnerable to a predator. She is also stuck between her mother, and her father. If she shows affection to the father, she is disloyal to the mother. If she shows affection to the father, she is disloyal to the mother. This dichotomy will haunt her all her life. He also needs to find why the current wife is so negative about the daughter. If she is not careful, there may be another divorce in the future. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts