what is going on with my husband?

[Michelle ma Belle]

I'm siding with those that believe there is something more going on with him than just stress.

 

Whether or not he's cheating (physically or emotionally) he's going through some type of mid-life crisis or realization that requires his attention and some professional counselling. Kudos to him for seeking professional help and doing something about whatever he's experiencing.

 

I was in a similar situation in my marriage. After years of being unhappy but too afraid to admit it to myself let alone anyone else, I woke up one day, looked around at what I had created including my marriage and wondered, "How the f*ck did I get here?!"

 

Call it a mid-life crisis or life realization or whatever, the bottom line is that I was unhappy and unfulfilled and more than anything, frightened of what that meant for me and my family moving forward.

 

It was through several years of personal counselling that I realized the extent of my unhappiness and with professional guidance I worked on peeling back the layers to figure out what was going on, how I got here and what I needed to do to be "happy" again.

 

At first I did not divulge every detail regarding my therapy sessions with my husband. He didn't seem to really want to know so that made it easy. He just wanted me to "get better". Eventually the sessions pinned so much of my unhappiness and unrest to my marriage specifically. At that point I had to include my husband in on the conversation if only to try and save our marriage.

 

I'm now divorced so you can see how that turned out.

 

Anyways, the point is that it's not unusual to come to a point in your busy and hectic life where you feel lost, uncertain, numb, unfulfilled and even suffocated by your own doing. I think we've all been there at one point or another. The problem is acknowledging it and then DOING something about it which many people don't or at least not until they've done something stupid and it's too late.

 

Give your husband the space he needs to work through his issues, at least for the moment. You can't and shouldn't force yourself into his sessions because you and/or your marriage might be the hot button issue he needs to work through or wrap his head around whatever he's feeling.

 

I know this doesn't exactly bring you much comfort as this is a critical time for both of you. Particularly since whatever he's going through might come with dramatic repercussions, however, if he's honest in his therapy sessions and if his therapist has his best interest in mind, YOU, as his wife, partner and mother to your children, will (or should) be included in the conversation at some point.

 

In the meantime, I would continue to support him and let him know that you're there for him. That you're also open and willing to talk about whatever is going on with him, good or bad.

 

And hopefully he will.

 

Good luck.

Edited December 8, 2014 by Michelle ma Belle

[TintedChrome]

There's more projection going on here than in an IMAX cinema.

[tobrieornottobrie]

I think that as other's have mentioned, having a conversation with him about this would be a good first step. You mentioned that you asked him what the counseling was for but did you express to him how deeply you are concerned? Did you ask him if it was an issue concerning you both, perhaps it's a work related issue? Has he ever had any sort of counseling in the past? Having an open line of communication with him about this is going to be vital and that starts with you letting him know how worried you are and how much you care for him.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

the brie's cheese knees

[Elliotte]

Wow, a lot of people here are quick to bet he's cheating, while I certainly can see it being a warning sign to cheating, it is also a warning sign of MANY MANY other things he is dealing with.

 

I feel often times getting a professional opinion on feeling frustrated and unhappy with your life, in order to gain clarity on why you feel the way you do, and how to proceed with your life and how to share those feelings with your spouse is absolutely the right move. He's obviously overwhelmed with something frustrating and rather than just dump it all out on you, which could cause more damage than good, is a smart move. He needs space and trying to force it out of him when he has told you he wants to deal with it in therapy first is a terrible idea.

 

I know that a lot of people find this suspicious, I too once thought relationships should be about complete honesty, all the time, but I soon learned that ALWAYS going straight to my partners when I had a complaint/frustration/hurt feelings/etc is a great way to get in a lot of fights and make her feel overwhelmed and stressed out as well. I know having to wait to find out what is troubling your partner is tough on you, and eventually you need answers, but pestering your husband to talk about something he's not ready to talk about with you yet is going to cause more frustration to him as well. Do your best to be patient, you two have been together for a long time and you need to give him your trust the most at these hard times, because that is when having faith in your partner matters most.

 

Best of luck.

[beatcuff]

Wow, a lot of people here are quick to bet he's cheating, while I certainly can see it being a warning sign to cheating, it is also a warning sign of MANY MANY other things he is dealing with.

 

 

agreed AND the OP is eerily similar to my situation. the details are close, the major difference is I have not told my wife I am seeing an IC (just started).

 

 

I am facing two challenges: my dad is nearing death and has requested I give a eulogy. but many of the 'fine' qualities his friends see in him came at the expense of his family (offspring more than mom). nothing over the top just not good memories. I am struggling with how to be positive when I see only negatives.

 

 

AND more importantly for the OP: while I am not in any type of A (or much in prospects), I am openly wondering what is out there. a/k/a questioning if W is truly the one for the rest of my (now short) life. deep down I think I am coming to grips with my own mortality. example: my sport skills are obviously fading, I realize I have but a handful of years of 'fun' skiing/ice hockey left. And W has no interest....

 

 

the LAST thing I need to have her 'fears' injected into my troubles.

 

 

so OP, maybe he is 'wondering'. I suggest the soft sell. and do it 'quietly'. if you have gained weight, lose it (don't announce you are going on a diet). if you are only in sweat pants, updress (one step, not overkill).

 

 

ask HIM to the movies. pick one you both would enjoy/suffer with (say a romantic comedy). most important --- then to a bar for a drink. you have easy conversation: the movie (if bad, bash it...) watch him: does he look at you when talking or is he 'checking' out the other woman, is he distracted, withdrawn...

 

 

please do not start demanding access/accuse him: it will only confirm his fears (if he is wondering).

 

 

good luck.

[Mitzimojo]

I agree that there might be an emotional, or physical, affair going on here and those things happen to men, AND WOMEN, for a variety of reasons. But that's not really the issue here. The issue is the therapy. That you are scared of him going into therapy. Ask yourself why? Are you scared that he is baring your dirty laundry to someone else? Are you scared about what he might discover in that therapy, something that you might then have to face? Do you feel out of control of the situation?

 

I would suggest:

 

1. Not confronting or obsessing about the possible infidelity but paying a little more attention to the day to day dealings of your husband. Again, catching him in an affair isn't really the issue here.

 

2. Supporting him in his endeavor to do work. If he is having an affair seeking therapy is an excellent way to deal with the guilt and confusion (that I promise you he has) around what he is doing. If he is not having an affair then he is being pro-active about issues that he sees and that is a good thing.

 

3. Consider going to your own therapist. Then when he is ready maybe you can attend counseling together. You most likely have some things that need to be talked through as well, even if you aren't yet aware of them.

 

Therapy is NOT a bad thing. It can help ferret out issues that are deep seated. And most people who hit their 40s start having a real identity crisis as to what they have and have not done in the first half of their lives. NOT working through it is a bad thing....

 

Good luck. Be strong. Everything is going to be amazing...

[truncated]

If you feel uncomfortable about him seeking counseling, and if something feels "off", is there any way tha you can sit down with him and have a calm discussion where you explain why it makes you feel uncomfortable, that you want to help him in any way that you can and if there is anything that he needs from you or would like you to do. Don't accuse him, and try and keep an open mind to his answers.

 

If they still don't mesh with the way you feel, or if something still seems off, then try and do some investigating. See what you find out, and watch his behavior to see if there are any chnages that just don't add up.

 

For example, if he is suddenly secretive with his phone when he never was before, and leaves the room to take or make calls, exts, etc. then that could be a sign of something fishy going on. If he's suddenl ahving to spend long hours at work for no real reason, when he enevr did before, again, that could be a bad sign.

 

If your gut keeps naging at you, you could hire a PI to find out for sure if he's chetaing. If he is, you'l know, and if no evidence is found, you'll at least be able to strike that off your list of concerns.

[Turtles]

Earlier this year I had the same conversation with my partner and told her I was booking an appointment with a therapist. There was absolutely no affair involved, emotional or otherwise. I needed a better way to deal with work stress. There were also some problems in the relationship that I needed a third party's opinion on, to decide whether I had unrealistic expectations or she needed to step up. I was not upfront with my partner about exactly what I wanted to discuss but she was very supportive and didn't try to pry for information. She offered to come with me if I wanted which I declined (but we returned together on the next appointment). The therapist helped us a lot. I would recommend to let him book his appointment. If there is a problem that he is not sure how to communicate with you then the therapist will help with that.

[Anderlie]

I'd be willing to bet my right arm if KT were to randomly walk up to her husband tonight and tell him she wants to look through his phone and to please unlock it for her, he'd squirm and balk and spew all kinds of reasons and excuses for why he can't allow her to do that and ultimately she wouldn't get access to it.

 

I can assure you I'm in no affair emotional or otherwise but if my husband walked up and demanded to see my work phone he'd get an equally defensive and angry response. My work phone contains confidential information he's not entitled to. If I didn't want my husband seeing my personal phone he wouldn't either because even in marriage I deserve a reasonable expectation of privacy.

 

Now in the OPs case yes the husband is acting squirrelly but is demanding access to his personal effects going to fix things or just make them worse? Especially if there is no affair.

[beach]

OP - have you checked his computer?

 

Have you asked him to have a conversation with you about what can change within the marriage in order for both of you to start feeling more connected to each other?

[spanz1]

 

You don't deny him sex, but once a month is very..low. You also dont mention if the sex you have is still good and involves passion and play. Once month is almost considered a sexless marriage by some experts. I can personally share that when it gets to this level - disconnects and even resentment build up - it has for me.

.

 

i have to agree with this. If you are not having sex at least a couple times a week, it is a very bad sign. What do you do to help him to desire you/get him horny? have you ever just walked into a room wearing very sexy lingerie when he was doing something else, and seduced him? Have you ever mentioned.."honey, we have not had sex in 3 days, and i need some right now"? Do you have excuses as to why you do not have sex (the kids are home, the kids will hear, you have to watch this tv show, etc)? These are all solveable, such as get a baby sitter and book a room at the no-tell motel with him!

 

I would guess your husband woke up one day, said to himself "how did i get into a sexless marriage?", and proceeded to have a midlife crisis about it. GREAT sex might get him over it..

[spanz1]

I'm sorry but men rarely turn down sex because of "stress"

 

Add that one to the long list of excuses I heard when I was being cheated on.

 

agree here too! when i am stressed...sex is the best way to get de-stressed!

[Quiet Storm]

I agree that an affair is a possible scenario, but it's not the only one. Men will go to counseling for other reasons, such as substance abuse. They will also go if they are required to go- for example, he could have had a serious conflict with a coworker and Human Resources at his job may have suggested counseling. Could there be any DUI violations you don't know about? Sometimes courts will reduce charges if the defendant agrees to counseling.

 

I've been married for many years and also have three kids. I don't think it's normal at all to only have sex once a month. We both work and are also often tired. There is always activities, sports, school functions appointments, etc., so I understand that. But sex is the glue that keeps a couple connected. Our lives are busy and hectic, and the sex keeps us playful, flirty and light with each other. It gives us something to look forward to while waiting at soccer practice, running errands, checking homework, etc. Since you rarely have sex, do you have other kinds of affection? Do you hug, kiss, cuddle?

 

I know all marriages are different, but I cannot imagine my husband not sharing details about something like this. This is very concerning, because I think healthy marriages need good communication. You two should be best friends, and if there is stress at work, why not share all the details with you? Why does he feel the need to keep it private? This is why others are suggesting he may be considering divorce- if you are a team, if you are in a pleasant marriage- why keep it from you? It has to be something that he knows you won't be happy with, or else there would be no need for secrecy.

 

If my husband did this and responded the way your husband did, I'd confront him. I wouldn't worry about jumping the gun or looking like a crazy woman. Pick up his phone and ask him for the password. His reaction will likely tell you all you need to know. If he says you are crazy for suspecting him of cheating, turn it back on him "What do you expect me to think when you won't tell me the truth about the counseling? We are married, a team- I need to know what's going on with you. Your need for privacy about this has me considering all possible scenarios- even things like affairs and addiction. I care about you and as your wife I need to know more than what you are telling me."