Lights Posted March 20, 2005 Posted March 20, 2005 I hope you people can help me with this one. It's a doozy... My dating life's a sick travesty of everything I can imagine. Talking to people at all is a horribly low-percentage tactic, there seems to be a mysterious total lack of desirable, highly modern young women approaching me and asking me out on dates as often as I do in accordance with post-1990 gender roles, and there are no places that are truly meant for socializing. (Nightlife over here is primarily for getting drunk with existing friends, not meeting people. Doing things one is interested in is for the purpose of that activity alone, and talking to others is considered an untoward interruption, whether it is working out in the gym, night classes, or whatever.) The problem is, I don't know why this is happening! I don't have any socially skilled friends who I could ask what's gone wrong, and the rejections (direct and indirect) I've received over these years haven't been illuminating. (It'd have been convenient if I'd heard things like "Uh, I might consider actually responding to your hi if you had said..." or "Hey you in the gray! I would have come over and tried to chat with you if you were standing like this...", but that's not exactly been happening.) How do I figure out what goes wrong when these things happen (or in the case of not getting asked out, don't happen), and work on correcting them?
Pocky Posted March 21, 2005 Posted March 21, 2005 How do you know you're approachable? Do you make eye contact? Do you smile?
Lights Posted March 21, 2005 Posted March 21, 2005 I don't really know if I'm approachable or not. I try to do the eye contact thing when it's applicable. I smile if I'm feeling happy enough to smile at the time.
Lights Posted March 28, 2005 Posted March 28, 2005 I suppose thanks for responding, Pocky. I could use some responses from the rest of the forum too, if you all wouldn't mind.
Pocky Posted March 28, 2005 Posted March 28, 2005 One of my bad points is that sometimes I don't follow up on posts. Remembering back to the days when I was dating, I recall always leaning towards the guy that would flash me a wonderful smile, make eye contact from across the room and then about twenty minutes later of us catching glances at each other, he'd come over and talk to me. I like smiles. I think a smile can tell a lot about a person. And definitely eye contact. If someone is incapable of making eye contact with me I lose my interest very quickly.
MassiveAtom Posted March 28, 2005 Posted March 28, 2005 Hey Lights, I'm relatively new to the dating scene. But I found something that seems to be working or me. It's my self-confidence. Yeah, It got shook up and shattered during divorce, but it's back. If you're not looking you can bet they are. Just be you and when she catches your eye keep being you. No fronts, no games, just good ol' lights. The rejections aren't rejections. They're get out of jail free cards!! they're skeleton keys for the all the cells in Marriage block D. Fast and simple, If she isn't into you don't force it, let it go. Someone will be, just keep being you and all that you are. They'll come to you. be patient. Make some friends. Go do stuff, get out into the world. You'll see. She's looking or you too! Carry on! MA
Lights Posted April 1, 2005 Posted April 1, 2005 Pocky: No, that wasn't a sarcastic comment at your lack of following up, just a note in general since you did respond, and a request to everyone else too. (I'm not sure if this is/was in question, but since there's no body language or voice tone over the net I'll just directly mention this.) I'm wondering, though, how is it you and your guy were in the same place long enough (and in a situation which lent itself to that) for twenty minutes? I usually seem to have seconds or individual minutes at most before I or the other passes by. MassiveAtom: It's good to hear you've got your self confidence back and got through the divorce ok. I never put on any fronts or games in the first place. (I'm just not good enough an actor, so I don't even bother to try.) I agree with the idea of getting out of the cells in marriage block D if and only if we define dating as finding long-term relationships leading to marriage. But being ignored, run from, being given false phone numbers (if I even get that far), and the like is ruinous for finding short-term relationships, flings, and the like as well. I'm also still wondering that if they're looking for me too, why haven't one or ten simply come up with something along the lines of "I don't think I met you. My name's Marisa..."? They aren't coming to me at all--that's half my dating life destroyed before I even do a thing. Thanks to both of you.
Lights Posted April 7, 2005 Posted April 7, 2005 Hi Newby, If you mean that I don't have any real choice in my social life, yes, in that way I'm desperate. I'm not desperate, however, in that I don't *need* a date or anything--I have a lot of things in my life I do alone, and at no point do I feel *required* to find someone to chat with or date. I honestly don't know what I'm coming across like.
MassiveAtom Posted April 7, 2005 Posted April 7, 2005 Lights, first off, come "On Board" already dude! Register and hang with us. This place is full of GREAT people, you may even MEET some if you're lucky Maybe try some role play with a close female friend or relative. Just not your mom! LOL! that'd just be .... wrong. Be completely natural , and ask them to tell you honestly how you come off. If you peruse the online Dating site, which I strongly advocate BTW, you'll notice something,. Like 90% of the ladies will say in their profile that " I love to laugh" LOL! (tired a$$ line ladies, drop it already! )Who doesn't!? but that means you gotta give her something funny to think about. Maybe take an improv class, It'll make you happier, believe me. And then you'll even learn to laugh at yourself. Which is ALWAYS a good thing. Maybe check your image, and see what little things you can do to make it pop. I know it's superficial, but all of us have been to some degree, socialized and to a larger extent, evolved to look for certain physical characteristics. So all that to say that image IS important. Image gets you noticed, Confidence gets you introduced, then you close the deal. BUT One thing I gotta tell you is this, and ladies feel free to chime in, Women don't say "No" they just don't want to deal with watching you deal with their rejection. So they give you a fake number, or give you a real one and let you call 28 times, or break dates, or NOT return your calls, It's hilarious really. They're hoping you get the message. Yeah, It'd be nice if they would just be up front, but they don't WANT to hurt you. Who knows what this guy is going to do? Especially if you outweigh her by 50 lbs or more. And they're the ones who "don't play games" LOL! Is this making any sense? I know, it's because they are WOMEN, nd you just gotta love em! Well, not all of 'em. I'm sure women aren't running away from you. That might just be a perception , change that perception, and you change the reality. What if they're challenging you to a good ol' game of chase? and TAG, you're it! Have some fun with it. Deal with your stuff and put yourself first. She is looking for you buddy, BUT, I'm thinking you might need some practice before you suddenly bump into her and she looks at you with those sparkling eyes, and pursed lips and to-die-for-body, and says "hi." I'll see if I can get AlphaMale over here he's a great source of advice. PM me anytime MA
Mz. Pixie Posted April 7, 2005 Posted April 7, 2005 MA- I miss you- you haven't been posting lately..............flaming social life keeping you too busy for the Pix?? Have you tried online stuff Lights? I did initally and I got lots of responses. Then I met my bf at Starbucks- and it didn't require the on line stuff. There are LOTS of people out there looking who don' t know where to look- just like you. I agree- take a look at yourself and play up your image and confidence. Talk to yourself in the mirror, whatever it takes. Confidence is sexy but let's face it- everyone is attractive to someone- you just have to find that one person. What kind of woman are you interested in? Not wanting to sound like a total beotch but really consider what type you're interested in- perhaps go against type if you're having trouble meeting someone???
MassiveAtom Posted April 7, 2005 Posted April 7, 2005 Originally posted by Mz. Pixie MA- I miss you- you haven't been posting lately..............flaming social life keeping you too busy for the Pix?? LOL! Hey babe, flaming social life and flaming BEEATCH of an adversary in the family law arena, if you know who I mean. Divorce sucks, but I think I'm going to have a little fun with it. Very little! LOL! What kind of woman are you interested in? Not wanting to sound like a total beotch but really consider what type you're interested in- perhaps go against type if you're having trouble meeting someone??? Lights - She right on that one. Go out with EVERYONE and ANYONE, BUT hold back on everything, treat it like a business at first. And totally join LS.org because there are some thing that are trade secrets in the Uniform Code of Conduct {Revised edition} of the Universal Brotherhood of Men, that I just can't talk about out in the open. :) You gotta be a member to PM {{{Pix}}} MA
tokyo Posted April 7, 2005 Posted April 7, 2005 Lights, I only see you complaining about women not approaching you. First of all, I'm a woman, I've been told that I'm attractive and I still do not get approached that often. I don't know how you look, but you are not even a woman!! You can sit there till you are old with a thousand wrinkles, it's still like in the good old days where the caveman had to approach the female. Most women will still wait, even if they get old with a thousand wrinkles. I know that it's partially my fault when I don't meet that many men. When I'm talk a lot and smile, I meet a lot more people than when I sit there, quiet and shy, looking like I want to be in some other place. Your attitude is, you deserve to get approached by "desirable, highly modern young women". I say, get back to earth, buddy. There are a bunch of men outside working their butt off to date these women and you sit there like a little princess thinking that they should approach you. Wake up, seriously.
Mz. Pixie Posted April 7, 2005 Posted April 7, 2005 It's also just like I posted the other day to someone else. I have a friend- who is in her late twenties and still a virgin. She is always complaining about how she can't ever meet a decent guy. She's a cute girl, and smart but not beautiful or particularly spectacular. One day I ask her what she's looking for. She says, "Model looks, college educated, professional job (as in white collar), never been married, no kids, Christian, makes 6 figures, and drives a 40K automobile" AND she never goes anywhere or approaches men so how is she to do that? I'm like Tracy, those guys are running after the women who look like centerfolds! Her expectations are too high. If she perhaps lowered them a bit she wouldn't be so lonely. I'm not saying settle for less than you deserve but be realistic. When I was younger a relationship was more about looks than it is now. I do want to be attracted to someone but I want to look deeper than that too. How someone treats me is more important than all those other issues. What about the average girls- who are perhaps a little quiet and shy? Why not approach one of them?
MassiveAtom Posted April 7, 2005 Posted April 7, 2005 Originally posted by Mz. Pixie What about the average girls- who are perhaps a little quiet and shy? Why not approach one of them? Yep, Lights, Again, you've got to practice. Hell date a woman you have NO attraction to. Just as friends, but flirt with her like MAD! Not just sexy stuff, I mean, flirt with her MOST sensitive sex organ, her brain! That's when you get 'em giggling, and that's when you get the skills you're looking for. If you can draw a shy girl out into the open you can at least paw her around a bit! I'm being facetious! LOL! It's all about learning your own style and what you like to do with a woman across the table from you. MOST importantly, BE A GENTLEMAN
Lights Posted April 17, 2005 Posted April 17, 2005 Thanks for the replies all. MassiveAtom: Good luck with the family law thing. I've been trying the 'practice' thing, all I can say is that I've been trying. I'll look into improv classes around. MzPixie: I don't really have any type yet. I haven't had the opportunity to find out. I believe I'm pretty open, and I don't have the hangups that many others seem to have (some can't/won't date outside their race, others have restrictions for hair colors or height, etc.). In theory I'd go for anyone in my age range and locale who's cute and friendly enough and has a good enough command of a common language. Even if I find that there isn't much in common, no one said I can't just have fun with them if they're fun. In practice it just isn't happening. Kooky: If the men where you come from are unworthy of so much as a "hey, how's it going?", that's regrettable, but it's not really my business. If you're trying to convince me that I am unworthy of the same, though, you're wasting your time and mine.
tokyo Posted April 17, 2005 Posted April 17, 2005 Originally posted by Lights Kooky: If the men where you come from are unworthy of so much as a "hey, how's it going?", that's regrettable, but it's not really my business. If you're trying to convince me that I am unworthy of the same, though, you're wasting your time and mine. What about you saying: "Hey, how's it going?" I didn't say you are unworthy, but just remember, there are many more men out there wanting the same women as you and if a woman can get a guy who works off his butt to impress her, why should she bother with approaching you? Women approach men less and the more desireable they are, the less they will have to work on attracting a guy, because the guys are out there, surrounding them. a mysterious total lack of desirable, highly modern young women approaching me and asking me out on dates as often as I do That sentence reveals a complete lack of awareness of what's going on in the dating world. I told you to wake up and see the reality, if you don't, then don't. You could be in the same league as they are, a young, desirable, etc. man, they will still not approach you that often as you approach them. If you are not in their league, then don't be surprised if they don't approach you. If you don't have the looks, but the inner qualities, you will have to approach them, and show them that the content is much better than the package.
MassiveAtom Posted April 18, 2005 Posted April 18, 2005 Welcome onBoard Lights!! Originally posted by kooky What about you saying: "Hey, how's it going?" I didn't say you are unworthy, but just remember, there are many more men out there wanting the same women as you and if a woman can get a guy who works off his butt to impress her, why should she bother with approaching you? gah! how about because she likes him!? This whole notion about men always having to be the "Aggressor" is getting OLD REAL FAST! Women approach men less and the more desireable they are, the less they will have to work on attracting a guy, because the guys are out there, surrounding them. Ignoramuses, the lot of them. That sentence reveals a complete lack of awareness of what's going on in the dating world. Just a partial lack, Lights. You're actually catching on quite fast there bud! You could be in the same league as they are, a young, desirable, etc. man, they will still not approach you that often as you approach them. {/quote] Lights, she absolutely right! And when that woman approaches you treat her like the priceles jewel that she is, of course only if you acan feel her sparkling! If you are not in their league, then don't be surprised if they don't approach you. If you don't have the looks, but the inner qualities, you will have to approach them, and show them that the content is much better than the package. WTF!?!? is this baseball? it's simple really lights, There are some women you hjust don't get involved with at all. I call them "STARS" Nice to look at but death to touch. Just stay away from 'em. IF a woman doesn't send you signals, stay away from her. The reality IS she's just not into you. But 9 times out of 10, it's her loss.
Lights Posted April 25, 2005 Posted April 25, 2005 MassiveAtom: Thanks for your responses. I believe what you say regarding signals, but it's tough to get the signals in the first place because the vast majority of the time I have to approach/pass by them and come up with something to get their attention before any signals can be exchanged--otherwise they've already walked past or I've already had to move away. Kooky: Much as I appreciate responses, your thread-hijacking isn't really appropriate here--if you sincerely believe that men being approached and asked out doesn't or shouldn't happen (as for me, I've witnessed it happen too many times to not resent it missing in my life.), feel free to preach that all you like in a thread meant for that sort of discussion right here. I was looking for information on how to find out what part of my approaches is leading to the rejections (in the vernacular, "where'd I crash and burn?"), and what's missing from my social skills that's preventing me from getting approached--not an empty lecture from someone who falsely assumes that I do not proactively approach people.
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