Approaching Quiet Guys?

[swedeace]

I work in a computer lab at a community college as a computer lab tech, and I am starting to feel the butterflies in my stomach when I see this multimedia student three days a week.

 

I am quite excited about subbing for one of his classes tomorrow! Subbing is part of our job.

 

I find myself falling head over heels and tend to look more than once to quiet guys who mind their own business and work on their homework and obey the rules, so to speak. I did find out his name through his instructor in the faculty lounge when I discreetly asked her in a sneaky manner so she wouldn't catch on.

 

Granted, I don't know anything about him other than he does great work in his class, so I'd like to find out more information about him so I know whether he is date-able, if that makes any sense.

 

I also want to test my gaydar on him.... Last guy I badly crushed on turned out to be gay, and my gaydar was so wrong!

 

I was wondering if anyone had any tips on how to approach him? He's so quiet and just keeps to himself - doesn't really converse with other students or anything unless they approach him and ask him a question. He reminds me of me. I do the same thing! I just mind my own business unless people approach me, so I think that's why I am falling for him.

 

The semester will end in 2.5 weeks, so I'd like to get to chit-chat with him before the semester break. I'm not even sure if he'll be taking classes during the summer or will be taking a break or what. My goal is to try and approach him to learn a little more about him before furthering anything. Any ideas?

[Lucky Dog]

Well, I don't know what 'subbing' a class means, but if you are in any type of teacher/student relationship with him, you should wait until you are not in that posiotion any more before you try and get serious with him.

 

Otherwise, I would just use your 'computer tech' as an excuse to talk to him - say that you have to check the 'hard disk' of the computer he is working on or something more subtle

 

Good luck

[RecordProducer]

Just approach him and start talking to him. Ask him how he likes the school, the classes, the teachers, etc. Or ask him if he needs any help. You can approach him when he's talking to other students so that it's not so obvious that you're into him. Then next time it will be easier for you to start a conversation. Perhaps when he buys coffee, you could be around? Or you could follow him to the toilet and ask him (while he's inside) if he has enough toilet paper for this session or does he want you to hand him another roll... Just kidding, just kidding.

Do it, you've got nothing to lose!

If you "catch the fish," at least you won't have a problem with chicks being all over him because of his popularity.

Don't forget to give us the scoop!

[XNemesisX]

If you "catch the fish," at least you won't have a problem with chicks being all over him because of his popularity.

 

Good point!

 

Yeah I say go for it! What do you have to lose? NOTHING! So do it!

 

And write back...

[BigB]

I'm pretty shy and quiet myself. I turn into a stammering, bumbling idiot, about girls that I like.

 

You'll probably have to make the first move (PS: we love that!) but don't be to subtle or he might not pick up on it.

 

Sometimes a girl talks to me, and I realize 3 hours later that she was hitting on me.

 

Computer lab eh? I have some experience in that area...

 

How about this:

 

Go sit down at the computer next to the one he is using and pretend to fix it, like mess with the software or something. You'll be sitting right next to him, so just introduce yourself, and ask him what he's working on. Ask what other class he's taking, his major, etc. Make some small talk while you "work" etc. Do this near the end of class, and ask him if he'd like to get some coffee after class.

 

If you hit it off during coffee, (good time to make sure he doesn't have a GF) admit that you only worked on the computer to talk to him, he'll be flattered, embarrassed, and you'll have a laugh... Then give him you phone number.

[XNemesisX]

Just don't come off too strong at first, because it may come off as creepy!

 

I would advice talking to him a few times casually first before asking to go to coffee or giving out phone number, etc right off the bat.

[swedeace]

Thank you all for your advice and suggestions!

 

Eeek! The class begins in about 23 minutes from now, and I am already getting nervous! I can feel stomach nerves in my stomach just kicking in! *gulp*

 

You can approach him when he's talking to other students so that it's not so obvious that you're into him.

That's just it - he doesn't really talk/approach students unless they come to HIM, so me approaching him will be quite difficult.

 

BigB: Thanks! I will do just that - sit at the computer next to him because no one usually sits next to him. Then, I can start off with a simple convo. I don't think I'd be ready to swap phone numbers or go to coffee right away. Maybe in 2-3 other class session days would be easier. I first want to get a "feel" of what kind of person he is before moving further. If he seems nice enough and generous, then maybe.

 

YX32Nemesis: I agree with you about not coming off too strong at first. I don't want to scare him away. You're so right about that. I'd like to just get to know him first.

[Fuzzy Chickens]

Hey, are you an Ace of Base fan? I have all four of their albums...

[swedeace]

*sigh* Well, the guy never showed up today! He didn't go to his class either on Tuesday - the class meets every Tuesdays and Thursdays. I will see about his Friday morning class - tomorrow! I hope he's okay!

 

Originally posted by Fuzzy Chickens

Hey, are you an Ace of Base fan? I have all four of their albums...

Why, yes I am! Great you have all of their albums! I am guessing by "all four of their albums" you mean their American releases? I'm a hardcore Ace of Base fan, so I have also collected their European albums too! It's a shame that the States didn't release their latest 2002 European album, "Da Capo." It's so awesome!! I can send you a link to sample those songs, if you'd like.

 

BTW, they're working on a new European album now, so that should be out later this year or early of next. I can't wait!!! I just wish that the U.S. record labels would take them in!!!!

[swedeace]

Hey everyone!

 

Just thought I'd do a mini update:

 

I did approach the guy casually by "pretending" to do maintenance on a computer next to him (like someone suggested ), and I was so nervous because he was, once again, doing his own thing - doing homework. I tried talking with him like trying to say he had great photos up (it was a PhotoShop class), but he sounded confused and gave abrupt, quick answers. And when he wrapped up his stuff to leave, he didn't say, "See you later or anything!" I was so ready to just give up on him!

 

I had a co-worker friend sit beside me just to observe. Later she told me he smiled, so she suggested I not give up!

 

Shall I try more next week? I will see him this coming Tuesday, Thursday, and Friday and of next week - next week is the LAST week of the term! *nervous*

 

Shall I attempt for more small talks, or shall I just give up on him?

[HoldOn]

Well, I think that even if he was shy, that when you came up to him, he would at least be nice to you. I don't really think this is the guy for you. No offense.

 

I think if he liked you, he would respond very positively when you came up to him.

 

In Greg Behrendt's book "He's Just Not That Into You." He says "Many women have said to me, "Greg, men run the world." Wow. That makes us sound pretty capable. So tell me, why would you think we could be incapable of something as simple as picking up the phone and asking you out? You seem to think at times that we're "too shy" or we "just got out of something." Let me remind you: Men find it very satisfying to get what they want. (Particularly after a difficult day of running the world.) If we want you, we will find you. If you don't think you gave him enough time to notice you, take the time it took you to notice him and divide it by half. "

[swedeace]

HoldOn: You make a lot of sense with those quotes. I think maybe this guy is shy because of his mannerisms, his being quiet, his keeping to himself, etc, is because I am the same way. Being a somewhat "quiet and shy" person myself, I can sorta understand and pick the same thing up on others who are shy. Of course, I am not them, but I try to empathize with them. I dunno if that made any sense.

 

It's strange because a friend told me, "Don't be too strong, but flirt a little so he gets the hint." I, myself, am trying to get more of a "notice I am being friendly" notion before flirting. You know - something that's the intiation of attraction/"I want to get to know you as not a friend" to inbetween "friend." Like, not quite as a friend but a little more, if there's such a word for it. That's just how I operate. I just want to be noticed to talk-talk and get to know a little more about him in conversation. For all I know, he might just not be too open to dating or may even be taken. I'd like to know this before asking for anything further, should the time come up.

 

This is certainly a touchy situation because the majority of college students just have the intent of "going to class" or "getting through their class" and passing them and getting education - nothing much more than that. I am thinking this might be a little more work because while he's in "school," that's what he's focusing on - his school?

[BigB]

Maybe he's one of those guys (myself included) who freezes up around girls?

 

I'm super shy around new girls, I end up giving short answers to questions, scared to make eye contact for to long, etc. I'm like a deer in headlights.

 

Or maybe he's so focused on his school work that he's just not noticing?

 

I'd suggest that you keep trying to be friendly and see where is goes.

 

do you ever see him anywhere else around campus? Eating lunch for example? That might be a good time to sit down, and say hello.

[swedeace]

Originally posted by BigB

Maybe he's one of those guys (myself included) who freezes up around girls?

 

I'm super shy around new girls, I end up giving short answers to questions, scared to make eye contact for to long, etc. I'm like a deer in headlights.

That's true. I mean, I feel like palms got sweaty and my heart races as soon as I sat down at the computer next to him. I have to force myself to just "go for it" like I did with another crush last year. I have done it and can prove I can do it, so I have to not give up on this guy, right?

 

Or maybe he's so focused on his school work that he's just not noticing?

That would be my ultimate guess, especially being in a computer lab setting. Students are just so focused because it's "their" time to work on homework/assignments they don't think of much anything else.

 

I'd suggest that you keep trying to be friendly and see where is goes.

Yeah, I'll have to try again this coming Tuesday, Thursday, and Friday. He didn't show up to his T/Th class last week but showed up to his Friday class, so I really hope he'll come on ALL three days. The more days I see him, the more chances to approach him to become more acquainted.

 

do you ever see him anywhere else around campus? Eating lunch for example? That might be a good time to sit down, and say hello.

No, unfortunately, I don't see him anywhere but that classroom. I work on the second floor, so I've seen him come up the middle hall stairs if I happen to be in the hallway. My job is to walk around the computer labs, but I don't always catch him coming up the stairs. My only chance is to just catch him walking down the hall or catch him walking out of the lab to chat without scaring him away or making myself look like an idiot with stuttering.

[HoldOn]

OK, what I am saying is that even if he is shy.... (And how do you know this since you've only seen him in the computer lab)

 

But even if he is shy, he would have noticed you already if he was interested. And if he was interested, he wouldn't have been short with you when you talked to him.

 

Another thing I think of is that even if you "make" this guy like you, you will be the one "making" EVERYTHING happen in the potential relationship. Wouldn't you rather be in a relationship where the guy is dying to be with you? With this guy, it seems like you'll be pushing for every part of the relationship.

 

I think that even the most shy guys will ask a girl out if he REALLY likes the girl. And is that too much to ask for? A guy who REALLY likes you?

 

Another quote from the book (by a GUY)

"Imagine right now that I'm leaping up and down and shaking my fist at the sky. I'm on my knees pleading with you. I'm saying this in a loud voice: "Please, if you can trust one thing I say in this book, let it be this: When it comes to men, deal with us as we are, not how you'd like us to be." I know it's an infuriating concept — that men like to chase and you have to let us chase you. I know. It's insulting. It's frustrating. It's unfortunately the truth. My belief is that if you have to be the aggressor, if you have to pursue, if you have to do the asking out, nine times out of ten, he's just not that into you. (And we want you to believe you're one of the nine, ladies!) I can't say it loud enough: You, the superfox reading this book, are worth asking out.

[swedeace]

HoldOn: You're right. If he was interested, he would've already noticed me. Well, I can just forget about this guy afterall then. I tried anyway. Maybe it's not just my time, I guess. I don't have much experience in this department, as I hear the attraction has to be mutual.

[HoldOn]

Originally posted by swedeace

HoldOn: You're right. If he was interested, he would've already noticed me. Well, I can just forget about this guy afterall then. I tried anyway. Maybe it's not just my time, I guess. I don't have much experience in this department, as I hear the attraction has to be mutual.

 

 

That's a first! I actually convinced someone of something. Well, perhaps you should buy the book. It's really funny too!

 

After I realized that I should wait for a guy to pursue me, I was alone for about a year. Then my current bf asked me out! Although, I had suspected he was shy, when the time was right, he made the move becuase he REALLY liked me. That's what every girl deserves!

 

Good luck!

[swedeace]

HoldOn: To be honest, I have a similar problem with dating because I am very picky. Only until last summer did I feel like I wanted to pursue looking into dating. I remember back in late 2002 there was this student who said he liked me, but I thought he was a little too older for me and turned him down. I felt a bit creeped out at that time, but when last summer rolled around towards this guy I'd been eye-ing, I just fell ga-ga over him. I tend to fall for someone who appears quiet and shy, I guess. Like this current crush that proves it once again.

 

I think I am afraid to wait for someone to come to me because I am quite picky in what I want, but if I see/observe guys who I tend to see around, I am more inclined to fall in love with "wanting" to get to know them as a potential date. I don't know. I'm getting sick of being single all of a sudden because of my age (didn't bother me for the longest time!), yet I won't just date anyone. I feel I have to see them for a bit to observe habits and then go up to chit-chat to get to know them. I don't know. It's all too confusing.

[HoldOn]

I am afraid to wait for someone to come to me because I am quite picky in what I want, but if I see/observe guys who I tend to see around, I am more inclined to fall in love with "wanting" to get to know them as a potential date.

 

 

Well, then the trick is to put yourself in a "target-rich" environment. Get involved in clubs and go to places where the type of guy you like is hanging out. Be super friendly to everyone and always have a smile on your face. Make yourself approachable to these guys and they will come to you! (if they like you)

 

I'd rather be alone than with someone I had to chase down to date me.

 

I'll recommend another book, that I talk about all the time. Many people think it's ridiculous and unfeminist, but I think it really works. The Rules: Time Tested secrets for capturing the Heart of Mr. Right. It talks about waiting for the right guy who will treat you right and letting him pursue you, because men want to be the pursuers...

[swedeace]

I have to update you all on what has happened, but I will have to write it up and then post it. Hint: It *is* "going" well for me but not there yet. More later.... So thank you all for the advice!!!

 

Be back soon....

[HoldOn]

ooo, I'm excited!

[lost_in_chgo]

HoldOn is either right on the money or absolutely misguided here.

 

I think the guy is shy, otherwise he'd be avoiding contact with you.

Shy means shy, it doesn't mean shy for 30 seconds and then a social butterfly.

 

The shy guy needs to get comfortable around you. And if he's really shy, he may need alot of encoruagement to actually ask you out. Or he may be very selective and need to get to know you better before pulling the trigger.

 

This is really the biggest problem that a shy guy faces. Women do not understand the shyness and take it as disinterest. He appears to be disinterested because he isn't acting like every other guy. But that's what attracted you in the first place...

[BigB]

Originally posted by lost_in_chgo

HoldOn is either right on the money or absolutely misguided here.

 

I think the guy is shy, otherwise he'd be avoiding contact with you.

Shy means shy, it doesn't mean shy for 30 seconds and then a social butterfly.

 

The shy guy needs to get comfortable around you. And if he's really shy, he may need alot of encoruagement to actually ask you out. Or he may be very selective and need to get to know you better before pulling the trigger.

 

This is really the biggest problem that a shy guy faces. Women do not understand the shyness and take it as disinterest. He appears to be disinterested because he isn't acting like every other guy. But that's what attracted you in the first place...

 

That sounds like me. I've gotten over my shyness to the point that I can talk to girls without freaking out, but I'm still very shy. So when I'm talking to a girl or one is talking to me, I end up coming off as un-interested. I don't try to but it just happens.

 

My friend clued me into this recently by saying that I'm hard to read. I though about, and I realized that when talking to a girl my facial expressions don't change much, I don't talk much, I give short answers to questions, etc. I'm like a stone. combine that with my 6' 290lbs frame, and that fact that I always wear sunglasses and I'm just plain intimidating.

 

And I never ask a girl out without getting to know her a little first.

 

I'm working on it but it's hard.

 

So, keep in mind that without showing it, he may actually be super psyched that your talking to him.

[swedeace]

Synopsis

 

I ended up taking all the advice I read in this forum as well as what friends have told me and what I’ve read in “flirting tips” resources and combined them all to make my final decision on how to approach my crush. I used nearly every tip except for the “leave him alone because he’s not interested in you” advice presented in a couple of forums.

 

I waited for his arrival to class to try and chit-chat a little before he actually walked into his class, as I had planned. The nice thing is we techs can be lingering around the hallways where it wouldn’t be too obvious or anything and not look like we’re waiting for people. I thought about approaching him casually in two different occasions before actually asking him out for coffee. This way, it gives some ease into making him feel a little comfortable instead of me just “jumping in” and scaring him away with such an approachable request. This is where I took those people’s advice of “approach him a little more so he knows me a little more.”

 

The second approach was during his class after his teacher had students present their final projects. After, the teacher was going around the classroom and grading assignments while students were leaving. It gave me time to continue sitting next to my crush and just install dummy programs and scan the computer for “errors.” I noticed he kept looking at my computer screen but would not ask anything until we talked more later. I kept walking in and out as though I was looking for CDs and floppies. I finally complimented his final project, and from there, we began talking more and more about computers, classes, cooking, languages, games, and so on. I could feel he was getting more comfortable around me since he asked what my hobbies are and I reciprocated. He was so amazed I understood advanced computer terminology, and that pepped my self-confidence up by SO much!

 

I was out in the hallway when he was wrapping up his books to leave, and as he walked through the hall beside us to let me know he was leaving. As my co-worker walked away, I knew it would be now or never. I asked him, “Would you like to have coffee sometime?” He looked at me, paused for a second, chuckled a bit, and proceeded with “yeah.” So then I wrote him my phone number and email address and handed it to him. I mentioned that “we could talk more about languages and computers.” We proceeded to greet each other there and then.

 

With the lengthy conversations and our interests flaring, I was utmost confident our interests were mutual. He knows I initiated to talk with him, I have initiated an open invitation to coffee, so I would mix “dating” initiations a little by leaving the rest to him – to decide to see if he would want to get to know me more as a person. So, the advice about “not coming on strong if he’s shy” and “don’t allow” myself to always be the initiator comes to play here. They’re mixed, so I am just waiting now.

 

The end result? My main concern was wanting to, at least, have a chit-chat moment to get a feel of who he is and what kind of person he is. With this, it has helped me and him get to know each other become more than strangers and move into “familiar faces,” so we asked and answered questions and BOTH become comfortable with each other. I could tell by our conversation flow we were both enjoying each other’s company.

 

I have left the cards open to him by initiating a conversation and moving into asking if he’d like to have coffee as he was leaving. This got the ball rolling, and hopefully he takes the hint that I am interested in him. Now is the waiting game of his interest in me. Now, the waiting game begins….

 

To all who have participated in suggesting advice, THANK YOU!

[swedeace]

And I never ask a girl out without getting to know her a little first.

 

I'm working on it but it's hard.

 

So, keep in mind that without showing it, he may actually be super psyched that your talking to him.

Thanks, BigB! I did talk with him, actually! I had a sit-down chance to chat with him while in his class for about 45 minutes! It was the last day of class, so students were waiting for the teacher to grade their homework. I did get to talk with him, and it seemed like we were hitting it off. We talked, we laughed, we had common interests, etc. I also asked him, "Would you like to have coffee sometime?" I think I caught him "on the spot" because he chuckled and said, "Yeah, sure." I gave him my number and my email address. I didn't ask for his because I figured since he saw I invited him and showed my interest in him and what we had in common during our conversations, it was a sure-fire way of now letting him show ME he's interested in me. I was so sure he will reciprocate.

 

It's been one week ago later today, and I still have not heard from him. What am I now supposed to think now? I am taking it quite personally, actually. I was telling this to a friend, and she told me, to be more patient with him because he did mention somewhere in our convo that he had personal problems and was going to an appointment (I assumed it was a doctor's appointment because he said "Oh, it's not like it's chemo or anything"). Other than that, I have no idea why no contact during this whole week. It's making me feel lousy, actually. Why me? I seem to have bad luck when wanting to further approach people - be it for dating or friendship.

 

How much longer should I wait? He has my contact info and I don't have his... Damn.. did I mess up??