Satu Posted January 9, 2015 Share Posted January 9, 2015 Many many people have gone through that pain and come out the other side of it. It took me two years, but I am happier now than I ever have been, and happier than I even thought possible. Stick to no contact, ride out the storm, and keep telling yourself that you'll get through this. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
dyna85 Posted January 9, 2015 Share Posted January 9, 2015 Feel exactly like this. Woke up and the memories just started coming through and before I knew it, I was in complete devastation mode. L&P's comment really says it all for me. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted January 9, 2015 Share Posted January 9, 2015 Healing is not a linear progression. Right now you are struggling. That's all. It will get better. You just have to hang on. Do something -- anything -- to make yourself feel better in the short term, even if that is as simple as having a good cry (tears are cleansing) or pigging out on a bowl of your favorite ice cream. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
KBarletta Posted January 9, 2015 Share Posted January 9, 2015 I think it is the first time I've thought thst... I am in so much pain. How am I sliding backwards? I haven't had contact or anything. It has been months. That wasn't meant to sound suicidal. I don't exactly know how it is meant to sound just how I feel at the moment. Hang in there. I was in your shoes about two weeks ago, thinking I'd hit rock bottom. Now I am feeling much better. Just stick to no contact, keep giving yourself things to do, get out of the house, even if it's just to take a walk around the block. Read, go to the movies, work out, listen to music. Anything but thinking of them. You have to force your mind (at first) to think of other things, then it will come naturally with time. You will get better. Trust me. Time is your friend. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jet Lag Posted January 10, 2015 Author Share Posted January 10, 2015 I tried to PM you but it said your inbox settings don't allow you to receive PMs? Hmmm...not sure why. I checked the settings and they all looked good. I did realise I have become dependant upon your daily advice and humour...and missed it!!! I also wasn't getting notified of private messages or this thread...so think I have fixed that now too. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jet Lag Posted January 10, 2015 Author Share Posted January 10, 2015 Your recipient should go into "My Profile/CP", then "Settings & Options | Edit Options", then "Messaging and Notification | Private Messaging | Enable Private Messaging." Private messaging is not turned on by default when you join LS. You have to wait for a few months and have something like 50-100 posts before it becomes available, and then you have to go manually turn it on for yourself, as described above. Settings looked good...and I had been receiving private messages. Inbox isn't full. Weird. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jet Lag Posted January 10, 2015 Author Share Posted January 10, 2015 bottom line. i think you were with a narcissist. and if so.. once you REALLY get that... everything about them and how much you love them will make sense. but not take the pain away. I remember him telling me the Mum of his kids said he was narcissist. I defended him, told him it was rubbish. we think we are special Um...er...yeah, I sure did! they have no empathy. they only look like they do in they beginning. I remember asking him once why he wasn't comfortable with my grief whilst my Dad was going through cancer. He denied my thoughts. hes probably masculine....charismatic. So so charismatic!!! Has people fawning over him all the time. Lead singer of a band. blah blah. because we really have been fighting for them from day one. I was definitely in a situation that I was always fighting for him...this is so true. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jet Lag Posted January 10, 2015 Author Share Posted January 10, 2015 I know how you feel. I feel like i'm at an all time low. I don't even have anyone to really talk to about it, dont have many friends and my family are sick of hearing about it. All I want is to talk to him. keep having delusions that we're still together and it scares me sometimes - i can't figure out what's reality anymore. I so feel you! I was telling my psych. I can just pretend we are still together and just not around each other and I could believe that and not be unhappy. Obviously that is not moving on...but it would stop me being desperately unhappy - for the time being. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jet Lag Posted January 10, 2015 Author Share Posted January 10, 2015 Many many people have gone through that pain and come out the other side of it. It took me two years, but I am happier now than I ever have been, and happier than I even thought possible. Stick to no contact, ride out the storm, and keep telling yourself that you'll get through this. At the time did you think your ex was so special? A really unique person? And that your love was the most special love anyone had had? I look to the future and wonder how I can get over this when I am struggling to change my way of thinking. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jet Lag Posted January 10, 2015 Author Share Posted January 10, 2015 Healing is not a linear progression. Right now you are struggling. That's all. It will get better. You just have to hang on. Do something -- anything -- to make yourself feel better in the short term, even if that is as simple as having a good cry (tears are cleansing) or pigging out on a bowl of your favorite ice cream. Then I should be the most cleansed person in the world! Well, one of... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jet Lag Posted January 10, 2015 Author Share Posted January 10, 2015 I feel like I'm spamming my own post...but if I start a new thread, no doubt the powers that be, will explain to me they should all be dumped together. Appears I am too stupid to understand all the rules here. ************************* I need advice. I went to my psych this week. She drew a number line at one end, she wrote "Holding on". At the other she wrote "Letting go". Just seeing the words "Letting go" physically, very negatively, effected me physiologically. I came to the realisation I don't want to let go. How am I going to move on...if this is where I am starting from? Link to post Share on other sites
BC1980 Posted January 11, 2015 Share Posted January 11, 2015 I need advice. I went to my psych this week. She drew a number line at one end, she wrote "Holding on". At the other she wrote "Letting go". Just seeing the words "Letting go" physically, very negatively, effected me physiologically. I came to the realisation I don't want to let go. How am I going to move on...if this is where I am starting from? This is a familiar scenario to me, and I'm sure many others will agree. Most people don't WANT to let go. We really fight tooth and nail against letting go. It took me many, many months of NC to begin to let go and to see the effects of the work I had done. I remember feeling that letting go was darn near impossible. Even thinking about letting go brought up the negative emotions you are describing, and I'm very glad that you have a professional to walk you through this. It can be daunting if you have never experienced grief. I've often posted on LS about how I feel that breaking NC is, at its most basic, an attempt to avoid letting go. I don't think that you can fully let go unless you commit to NC indefinitely (forever in my case). I really think you need to pound that mindset into your head over and over each day. For many months, I had to remind myself every morning of my new reality. Oh, how I hated that at first. It was awful quite honestly, but it took effect over time. You also have to consciously create a new life. I remember when I opened a new savings account, and I almost felt the world cave in for a minute. My ex and I had some joint finances and lived together, so, when we split, I had to go live with my parents while I got myself sorted out. Opening that savings account under my name was kinda a big deal at the time. I look back and chuckle now (and thank goodness I had enough sense to open the savings account), but it's those little things, over time, that eventually accumulate and pay dividends. I have reconnected with so many people and made some great new friends, and my life is a complete 180 of what it used to be. Honestly, it was the life I wanted when I was with him. I never thought I would come to any place resembling where I am. I was scared I would never let go, and I certainly never dreamed that I would actually feel relief when I found out my ex was engaged. I've come a long way I had moved so far away and started doing so many different things, I was actually worried my ex would try to come back into my life and manipulate me back into a relationship with him. If you read my old threads you will see I am miles away from where I started. Basically, TIME is your friend. Give yourself time, and don't sit in judgement of yourself for not moving on quicker. This is the time to be kind and support yourself through the process. It's not a fun process, but nearly every human being on this planet has been where you are now. Hugs to you, and keep posting updates. Keep faith that you can make it through. If I may, I would like to recommend some books that helped me: "Getting Past Your Breakup" by Susan Elliot "The No Contact Rule" by Natalie Lue (she also has a fabulous blog called Baggage Reclaim) Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jet Lag Posted January 11, 2015 Author Share Posted January 11, 2015 This is a familiar scenario to me, and I'm sure many others will agree. Most people don't WANT to let go. We really fight tooth and nail against letting go. It took me many, many months of NC to begin to let go and to see the effects of the work I had done. I remember feeling that letting go was darn near impossible. Even thinking about letting go brought up the negative emotions you are describing, and I'm very glad that you have a professional to walk you through this. It can be daunting if you have never experienced grief. I've often posted on LS about how I feel that breaking NC is, at its most basic, an attempt to avoid letting go. I don't think that you can fully let go unless you commit to NC indefinitely (forever in my case). I really think you need to pound that mindset into your head over and over each day. For many months, I had to remind myself every morning of my new reality. Oh, how I hated that at first. It was awful quite honestly, but it took effect over time. You also have to consciously create a new life. I remember when I opened a new savings account, and I almost felt the world cave in for a minute. My ex and I had some joint finances and lived together, so, when we split, I had to go live with my parents while I got myself sorted out. Opening that savings account under my name was kinda a big deal at the time. I look back and chuckle now (and thank goodness I had enough sense to open the savings account), but it's those little things, over time, that eventually accumulate and pay dividends. I have reconnected with so many people and made some great new friends, and my life is a complete 180 of what it used to be. Honestly, it was the life I wanted when I was with him. I never thought I would come to any place resembling where I am. I was scared I would never let go, and I certainly never dreamed that I would actually feel relief when I found out my ex was engaged. I've come a long way I had moved so far away and started doing so many different things, I was actually worried my ex would try to come back into my life and manipulate me back into a relationship with him. If you read my old threads you will see I am miles away from where I started. Basically, TIME is your friend. Give yourself time, and don't sit in judgement of yourself for not moving on quicker. This is the time to be kind and support yourself through the process. It's not a fun process, but nearly every human being on this planet has been where you are now. Hugs to you, and keep posting updates. Keep faith that you can make it through. If I may, I would like to recommend some books that helped me: "Getting Past Your Breakup" by Susan Elliot "The No Contact Rule" by Natalie Lue (she also has a fabulous blog called Baggage Reclaim) Thanks for that. I had managed to avoid it through my life. Not sure if that makes it harder...or if each time it is just as hard. Pretty sure I don't fancy doing this EVER again in my life. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BC1980 Posted January 11, 2015 Share Posted January 11, 2015 Thanks for that. I had managed to avoid it through my life. Not sure if that makes it harder...or if each time it is just as hard. Pretty sure I don't fancy doing this EVER again in my life. It's okay. I had never experienced profound grief until this breakup. It quite shocked me to be honest, and I needed a lot of help navigating the process. There are many peaks and valleys, but things start to level out over time. Sometimes, it seems like you will never see the dawn, but it comes eventually. The one thing I promised myself at the outset was never to break NC. I decided that if I didn't do anything else, I would not contact him, and I would not respond if he contacted me. In the long term, following through with that decision served me extremely well. I've had times where I literally thought I might die with the emotional pain. It was physical pain, and I wondered how in the world people made it through. Some people self-medicate or jump straight into another relationship to avoid the pain, but those things are not the answer. They are a tempting short term fix. For better or worst, grief is a process that is part of the human condition. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jet Lag Posted February 4, 2015 Author Share Posted February 4, 2015 So, it has been about 7 months, 4 months since low contact (some work commitments and kid commitments). Why do I still feel so sad? Why do I still want him so badly? Why can't I move on with my life? Why am I still crying? How could I have thought it was so good and suddenly he only loved me like a sister? Can anyone make me feel any better? Link to post Share on other sites
Mi7522 Posted February 5, 2015 Share Posted February 5, 2015 So, it has been about 7 months, 4 months since low contact (some work commitments and kid commitments). Why do I still feel so sad? Why do I still want him so badly? Why can't I move on with my life? Why am I still crying? How could I have thought it was so good and suddenly he only loved me like a sister? Can anyone make me feel any better? Unfortunately jetlag the only person that can make you feel better is yourself. Everyone grieves differently, some people it takes a week some months. There is nothing abnormal with what you're experiencing but trust me YOU will start to feel better. Some people hang on to hope, I know I did, and that prolongs the recovery. Do whatever you can to keep yourself busy and time will fix everything else. You will be better off after all this you just can't see it yet but it will come 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jet Lag Posted February 6, 2015 Author Share Posted February 6, 2015 Unfortunately jetlag the only person that can make you feel better is yourself. Everyone grieves differently, some people it takes a week some months. There is nothing abnormal with what you're experiencing but trust me YOU will start to feel better. Some people hang on to hope, I know I did, and that prolongs the recovery. Do whatever you can to keep yourself busy and time will fix everything else. You will be better off after all this you just can't see it yet but it will come Oh Mi, I hope you are right. It is really bad again today. He keeps his boat over the road from my house and he has taken it out today. Pretty sure he has taken a girl. Tears. Link to post Share on other sites
privategal Posted February 6, 2015 Share Posted February 6, 2015 I responded with a ? and an, "Are you angry with me?" And...it was ignored. What the hell? Why did he message me about the kids? What did he expect me to say? He sees you having his kids as a way of manipulating your way into his life still. Gently...its over. He doesn't want it and feels you wont let go or move on. Having this mans kids in your home isn't allowing you to heal AT ALL. You need to think about this. He doesn't want it, so its making you look worse in his eyes. Link to post Share on other sites
privategal Posted February 6, 2015 Share Posted February 6, 2015 My exes son just explained to me that his Dad had said he and I wanted different things from the relationship, that he sees me like a sister. Um...er...he was ****ing me for 3 and a half years...and physical in other ways for 6 months prior to that. WTF? OMG...broken again! EXACTLY, your using the kids to get info about their DAD, not because they are your kids best friends. Its not their concern, an adult relationship. It should not be discussed and that's why he doesn't want his kids there. He wants to move on and have you out of his life and business. His feelings changed, hes moving on, relationships end, it hurts. Im really sorry but you have to cut ties and accept whats real. Your holding on is wasting your whole life for a guy who doesn't want you. He isn't changing his mind and your further losing respect. I hope Im not harsh. Im sorry, I want to help yiu. Unrequited love is SO painful. Google it and how to cope with it. Please move on for YOU. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jet Lag Posted February 6, 2015 Author Share Posted February 6, 2015 EXACTLY, your using the kids to get info about their DAD, not because they are your kids best friends. Its not their concern, an adult relationship. It should not be discussed and that's why he doesn't want his kids there. He wants to move on and have you out of his life and business. His feelings changed, hes moving on, relationships end, it hurts. Im really sorry but you have to cut ties and accept whats real. Your holding on is wasting your whole life for a guy who doesn't want you. He isn't changing his mind and your further losing respect. I hope Im not harsh. Im sorry, I want to help yiu. Unrequited love is SO painful. Google it and how to cope with it. Please move on for YOU. Private Gal and Mai You are both right. I am not letting go...but I can't. I don't know how. I have never even vaguely loved anyone like I loved this man. I have been to counselling and that hasn't seemed to help. I was doing somewhat better but it is back to really really painful today. I still have the chord that attaches...I still feel. I knew he would take the boat out today. I know I don't want to let go. I know I have to. I just can't. I can picture I will be one of the people here after 5 years who still haven't moved on. Link to post Share on other sites
Itspointless Posted February 6, 2015 Share Posted February 6, 2015 Thanks for that. I had managed to avoid it through my life. Not sure if that makes it harder...or if each time it is just as hard. Pretty sure I don't fancy doing this EVER again in my life. It is always this hard. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jet Lag Posted February 8, 2015 Author Share Posted February 8, 2015 Ok, you can call me an idiot. Brief recap, pretty much ended in July, lc since October (only work and kid related and brief as possible). Today, he drove by with a girl in the car. Now, I actually presumed the girl was a friend visiting from Germany which his brother mentioned the other week so I didn't feel threatened by her.... But, I have been struggling for days (not sure what caused the huge back slide). I haven't had the kids or anything... But I just messaged him asking did he miss me... Predictably, he ignored me (which I also asked him to do when we broke up). Hopefully, this will help me move on. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted February 8, 2015 Share Posted February 8, 2015 Sometimes those kinds of visuals are what we need to spur us forward in our recovery. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted February 8, 2015 Share Posted February 8, 2015 You need to revisit your threads whenever you have an urge to reach out to him. You keep chasing something that isn't there. Hoping to get some little crumb to validate you. Please, the next time you want to react, restrain yourself, think, go back and read all the advice. Remind yourself as to why you need to end the cycle. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Ieris Posted February 8, 2015 Share Posted February 8, 2015 What you had with him, is all in the past. By holding on to yesterday, you are letting it rob you of your happiness today and probably tomorrow. This is not benefiting you and you know that so stop hurting yourself. Step back and look at yourself, is this the person you want to be? Do you even recognize yourself anymore? How long are you going to let this go on for? You keep telling yourself "I can't, I can't" but the truth is you can and you better start telling yourself that you can because you don't want to still be here in 5 years time. You said you've never loved anyone as much as you loved this man, well you better divert that love back to yourself and love yourself more than you ever loved him x Link to post Share on other sites
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