OLD why some people never leave?

[salparadise]

People are too damn picky on OLD! Guys never want to settle for less. I think OLD is the problem, they feel they can just click on the next profile to find the next hot chick with bigger boobs. Guys that have never used dating sites aren't as picky and are pleased to find the right girl just by meeting them in the real world.

 

Yea, kind of like this... too many options causes people to be unable to make any choice and be happy with it. Barry Schwarz calls it "The Paradox of Choice" and I think it definitely applies to OLD.

 

Settling is such a loaded word- it implies giving up on ourselves, compromising our values, accepting a person or relationship you're fundamentally unhappy with. I think we should erase the concept from our vocabulary because it reinforces the attitude of dissatisfaction that Schwartz describes. Never settle is the mantra of those who delude themselves about being emotionally available.

 

A person who keeps that word in the front of their brain has trained themselves to feel throughly justified in finding fault with every possibility... except perfection, which of course doesn't exist... (and even if it did exist, they must be amazingly delusional to assume that perfection will see them as the needle in the haystack)

 

We have to turn these notions around and learn to be open, accepting, and willing to love a person's imperfections as well as gifts, to generally see people as a lovable human beings. The openness to love and be loved, as opposed to thinking like we're shopping for an unbelievable deal, is the fundamental dichotomy. The venue creates it, promotes it, and being unaware we fall right into that window shopper mode.

 

My feeling is that most of the people who are online indefinitely are simply unable/unwilling to be vulnerable; they're trying to protect their hearts instead and they don't even realize it.

[Danda]

All of the guys I've developed any type of thing for throughout my life, it happened over the course of time through experiences together and time spent together, as a matter of circumstance. I eventually reached a point of having known them well and interacted with them enough, that I'd have developed romantic type interest in them.

 

Sure some guys I see for the first time and think hot damn but that's not really enough to motivate me to go out of my way to try to get their romantic attention or anything. I'll just admire from afar and maybe add them to some of my warped fantasies, but that's about it.

 

So when I tried OLD years ago it almost felt like it just wasn't for me. I couldn't really feel any type of preliminary 'connection' to anyone no matter how many messages we exchanged or how much I liked their photos or many boxes on some checklist they might have ticked.

 

During Autumn/Winter of 2013 I did go out on a few dates (not from OLD) but it was the same sort of roadblock for me. I was never feeling super open or sensual or anything like that after spending just a couple hours with a guy. I was friendly and all for chit-chat and just hanging out a bit, but that's the sort of thing that over time can result in me building up / developing interest in a guy. All of these guys seemed to be wanting that type of connection almost right upfront, and so no matter how well the date went, when we weren't instantly sexual soul mate type material, never heard from them again.

 

So that's one possible angle to it. Some of us are just not wired much for something like OLD and either rarely actually go out on dates, or rarely make it past the first date.

 

Then I think some people just like having the constant attention and validation of being pursued, but are not actually interested in a relationship of any kind. I have seen that sort of thing, as well.

[LookAtThisPOst]

Hide yourself from being seen by someone specific or hiding from everyone in general? Or....hide THAT one person from you?

 

 

The ability to "hide" profiles you no longer wish to see is one of the biggest missing features of that site. OKCupid has a great Hide feature that I use a lot.

[LookAtThisPOst]

"The paradox of choice" as quoted by the architect of " The Matrix" funny there is some truth to sci-fi. Lol

 

As far as " perfection" Someone will always qualify that with the " perfect...fo ME!" Line

 

 

Yea, kind of like this... too many options causes people to be unable to make any choice and be happy with it. Barry Schwarz calls it "The Paradox of Choice" and I think it definitely applies to OLD.

 

Settling is such a loaded word- it implies giving up on ourselves, compromising our values, accepting a person or relationship you're fundamentally unhappy with. I think we should erase the concept from our vocabulary because it reinforces the attitude of dissatisfaction that Schwartz describes. Never settle is the mantra of those who delude themselves about being emotionally available.

 

A person who keeps that word in the front of their brain has trained themselves to feel throughly justified in finding fault with every possibility... except perfection, which of course doesn't exist... (and even if it did exist, they must be amazingly delusional to assume that perfection will see them as the needle in the haystack)

 

We have to turn these notions around and learn to be open, accepting, and willing to love a person's imperfections as well as gifts, to generally see people as a lovable human beings. The openness to love and be loved, as opposed to thinking like we're shopping for an unbelievable deal, is the fundamental dichotomy. The venue creates it, promotes it, and being unaware we fall right into that window shopper mode.

 

My feeling is that most of the people who are online indefinitely are simply unable/unwilling to be vulnerable; they're trying to protect their hearts instead and they don't even realize it.

Edited December 10, 2014 by LookAtThisPOst

[salparadise]

All of these guys seemed to be wanting that type of connection almost right upfront, and so no matter how well the date went, when we weren't instantly sexual soul mate type material, never heard from them again.

 

That's true. I admit that when I go on a first meeting I am looking some kind of spark... physical attraction, chemistry, and a bit of flirting doesn't hurt either to reassure that it's mutual.

 

Chemistry is real, and I've felt it both instantly and as I got to know someone over time. But as far as dating... who's willing to invest 6 months or a year pretending to be platonic (friend zone), in hope that something romantic might eventually develop. If that happens in real life while you're not paying attention, fine. But most single adults (women too) have an itch that needs to be scratched sooner rather than later, and it just doesn't make sense to invest where you're not feeling the potential.

 

Then I think some people just like having the constant attention and validation of being pursued, but are not actually interested in a relationship of any kind. I have seen that sort of thing, as well.

 

Yup, definitely. It's hard to understand why people want what they do.

 

There is a woman on okc in my area that I find quite attractive, and we have very high match nos, but she says she looking for short-term, and then elsewhere she plays the "friends first" card, plus strictly monogamous. So short-term means maybe six month and then she'll be moving on. Friends first means you're going to be spending most of those six months trying to work your way toward intimacy. And strictly monogamous means you're not suppose to be dating/banging anyone else. I'm betting that the friends first part does include nice restaurants, but not going dutch.

 

Why would any self-respecting guy go for such a combination?

[Danda]

That's true. I admit that when I go on a first meeting I am looking some kind of spark... physical attraction, chemistry, and a bit of flirting doesn't hurt either to reassure that it's mutual.

 

Chemistry is real, and I've felt it both instantly and as I got to know someone over time. But as far as dating... who's willing to invest 6 months or a year pretending to be platonic (friend zone), in hope that something romantic might eventually develop. If that happens in real life while you're not paying attention, fine. But most single adults (women too) have an itch that needs to be scratched sooner rather than later, and it just doesn't make sense to invest where you're not feeling the potential.

 

Yeah I understand. I'm not saying there was anything wrong with those guys. I've just realized by now that dating is tough for me given the way I form romantic interest. It feels like everyone else is moving at mach 5 by comparison, and I feel like if I try to keep up then I will just be faking it to at least some extent, which will then land me in trouble for leading someone on. I've never had anything come out of dating even once. I just take a while to warm up to someone in a romantic way. Lust is a different story, of course. So I tend to like the FWB notion, only I almost know for sure that it's like a self-set emotional death trap, since my romantic feelings take time to develop and well. But yeah, it's a me-thing. Just pointing out that sometimes when a person is on an OLD website forever and a day, it might be because they're weird like me lol.

[kolleamm]

That's true. I admit that when I go on a first meeting I am looking some kind of spark... physical attraction, chemistry, and a bit of flirting doesn't hurt either to reassure that it's mutual.

 

Chemistry is real, and I've felt it both instantly and as I got to know someone over time. But as far as dating... who's willing to invest 6 months or a year pretending to be platonic (friend zone), in hope that something romantic might eventually develop. If that happens in real life while you're not paying attention, fine. But most single adults (women too) have an itch that needs to be scratched sooner rather than later, and it just doesn't make sense to invest where you're not feeling the potential.

 

 

 

Yup, definitely. It's hard to understand why people want what they do.

 

There is a woman on okc in my area that I find quite attractive, and we have very high match nos, but she says she looking for short-term, and then elsewhere she plays the "friends first" card, plus strictly monogamous. So short-term means maybe six month and then she'll be moving on. Friends first means you're going to be spending most of those six months trying to work your way toward intimacy. And strictly monogamous means you're not suppose to be dating/banging anyone else. I'm betting that the friends first part does include nice restaurants, but not going dutch.

 

Why would any self-respecting guy go for such a combination?

 

I don't understand people and short term relationships. If you tell someone it's going to be a short term thing from the start it's like telling them that you don't take the seriously and that they are nothing more than a toy for their amusement.

[kolleamm]

Actually I just remembered now that yesterday I watched my first movie with Shia Lebouf in it. Before I would just see images of him on ads and all over the net and say who the heck does this guy think he is? Point being once I saw one of his movies and got a better feel for the way he acts and his personality although it was a movie I realized he wasn't such a bad guy after all in fact I think he's a pretty good actor too.

 

Could the same apply to OLD? Oh he must be like this or she must be like that but when you meet them in real life and not judge them by a few pictures you would be surprised.

Never judge a book by it's cover right?

[Bumpin in My Trunk]

Sometimes men really do need to up their game. Its not always the woman being unsatisfiable.

 

I guess you could call me picky because I dont want to date some who is morbidly obese or very out of shape, like most of the men on pof in my area. Just for kicks, I looked up men in Cali and Washington state. The men were completely different!

 

I like to workout. Im not going to date someone morbidly obese for the sake of being with someone or for the sake of not being picky.

 

 

If more women were like you I'd be littered with dates. But don't worry guys. I found out it's not us. It's POF

[sillyanswer]

Actually I just remembered now that yesterday I watched my first movie with Shia Lebouf in it. Before I would just see images of him on ads and all over the net and say who the heck does this guy think he is? Point being once I saw one of his movies and got a better feel for the way he acts and his personality although it was a movie I realized he wasn't such a bad guy after all in fact I think he's a pretty good actor too.

 

Could the same apply to OLD? Oh he must be like this or she must be like that but when you meet them in real life and not judge them by a few pictures you would be surprised.

Never judge a book by it's cover right?

 

I can't understand how actually watching Shia Lebouf act would improve anybody's opinion of him.

 

But, yes, a profile on OLD is just a thin veneer of what someone might be like. The trick (or perhaps skill... I don't mean that it should be a deception) is to make both the profile seem attractive enough to get a date and then be attractive enough on that date to get a second date.

[MissBee]

OLD has gotten me thinking. Statistically speaking, online you would have all sorts of people. On the order of 1-10 look wise and all of the other qualities you might consider important.

 

So then why is it that I keep seeing the same faces over and over again? People who just spend years on those sites without luck.

 

If the variety of people online would be so great shouldn't they be paired up almost instantaneously with someone else?

 

Could OLD for the most part just be a big collection of unsatisfiable people?

(Yes you women lol)

 

Someone else posted a similar thread and my first thought was: if you're seeing the same people over and over, doesn't that also mean that YOU are perpetually there as well?

 

I online dated earlier this year, had a 6 month relationship from it, we broke up and I went back on maybe a month later and saw some of the men I had seen before. My only thought was that, like me, they may have started up something and may even have been off the site for months (like I was) but things didn't work out so they were back on. I didn't jump to assume that they had been there forever with no luck necessarily. Unless you have been monitoring these folks for months or years how do you know they've never been off for a while and you just happen to see them again when they got back on? And again...the only way to know if they're always there is if you're always there too.

 

Success in OLD IMO is that you get dates with decent people or a relationship...however on or offline cannot guarantee any relationship will last forever or that dates will materialize into more than dates or casual sex. So it is perfectly normal that one may get dates that don't turn into more or you may get off the site for a while and have a relationship but it doesn't last so you get back on. I can imagine some man from when I was first on the site in February might see my profile now in December and assume I've just been there the whole time but it would be a false conclusion...as I only got back online in October and don't even really go online much even though my profile is there.

Edited December 14, 2014 by MissBee

[Eternal Sunshine]

Someone else posted a similar thread and my first thought was: if you're seeing the same people over and over, doesn't that also mean that YOU are perpetually there as well?

 

I online dated earlier this year, had a 6 month relationship from it, we broke up and I went back on maybe a month later and saw some of the men I had seen before. My only thought was that, like me, they may have started up something and may even have been off the site for months (like I was) but things didn't work out so they were back on. I didn't jump to assume that they had been there forever with no luck necessarily. Unless you have been monitoring these folks for months or years how do you know they've never been off for a while and you just happen to see them again when they got back on? And again...the only way to know if they're always there is if you're always there too.

 

Success in OLD IMO is that you get dates with decent people or a relationship...however on or offline cannot guarantee any relationship will last forever or that dates will materialize into more than dates or casual sex. So it is perfectly normal that one may get dates that don't turn into more or you may get off the site for a while and have a relationship but it doesn't last so you get back on. I can imagine some man from when I was first on the site in February might see my profile now in December and assume I've just been there the whole time but it would be a false conclusion...as I only got back online in October and don't even really go online much even though my profile is there.

 

Exactly, I take breaks when I meet someone and sometimes it's a year, other times it's few months. Yet once I registered again after a year long break, some guy messaged me and told me "Wow you are still on here?"

[FitChick]

It's no different than going to a bar and seeing the same people. You seldom see them every night.

[LookAtThisPOst]

Exactly, I take breaks when I meet someone and sometimes it's a year, other times it's few months. Yet once I registered again after a year long break, some guy messaged me and told me "Wow you are still on here?"

 

Did you go out with him? :-)

 

Anyhow, sure they leave and come back and its usually because they are taking a break from online dating, not because they found someone.

 

Some even make the announcement IN their profile, "Here to try it again" or "Here's attempt # 3, third times a charm?" in their headlines. So some even announce that they've been there before, hadn't had much luck , took a break and came back. One was even self-deprecating in her attitude about online dating, mentioning something like, "I guess I'm back for some more abuse."

 

Figure by the 3rd go around they'd give some wiggle room on their dating expectations considering they are likely seeing the same men that they've rejected already.

 

Occasionally a new face will trickle again that is new in town.

 

Unless you have been monitoring these folks for months or years how do you know they've never been off for a while

 

The "online now" under their profile is usually a dead giveaway on Plenty of Fish and Okay Cupid has the "Last online" status "Yesterday, Today" even gives the time they were logged in last.

Edited December 14, 2014 by LookAtThisPOst
uo

[FitChick]

The "online now" under their profile is usually a dead giveaway on Plenty of Fish and Okay Cupid has the "Last online" status "Yesterday, Today" even gives the time they were logged in last.

They might have the same software as Match where if you read a notification from the site without actually logging in, you are listed on the site as being online. For a while I couldn't figure out why unread emails were showing as read when I did log in, then realized I had read them in my own personal email when they were forwarded.

 

As far as any snarky responses like "You're back here again," if I were you I'd reply, "I've met so many great guys on this site that I keep coming back!"