How do you deal with sex w/ his wife??

[Tamed Wildflower]

Newby, I wasn't trying to judge you or anyone else. I was trying to understand the dynamics of how we all make these decisions. I have tried to be very rational, but have also given into the feelings in my heart. We are all in situations that are difficult, with a lot of complex and contradictory emotions. I am trying to get a handle on how others deal with the complex and contradictory emotions they experience. I am trying to understand how other people in situations similar to mine make their decisions and why.

 

Truthfully, I could never blame anyone for acting on their feelings of closeness, safety, intimacy, passion, adventure, or love by having sex. I just want to know how other people reconcile all the conflicts involved in deciding to do that.

 

Owl, don't think I don't understand that I am posing a danger to my MM friend's marriage by being in his life. I know that I am not doing his wife any favors here. I am not trying to do his wife a favor, but I would never want to hurt her. I recently asked my MM friend how his wife would feel if she found out, and his response was honest and heartbreaking. Not surprisingly, the response was that she would feel betrayed, deeply wounded, angry, enraged, and have occasional moments of understanding and empathy for her H. Facing how our emotional affair would affect his wife had a huge impact on my realization that this simply has to end.

 

I am simply trying to deal with a really difficult situation that I and my MM friend have gotten ourselves into in a way that minimizes the damage to his marriage, to his wife, and to his son. This is hard to do, because letting go of each other is inevitably hurtful for us too. We also have to consider our own hearts here too. We have to let go in a way that minimizes our own pain.

[newby]

right okay, i apologise in that case! i am terribly hormonal and terrible when i am hormonal!

well the answer is probably the same, we are women, we cant just have sex for sex's sake! we get emotionally involved first, i believe, even if we dont think we do. well funny thing is, i gave in on the nc and saw mm, and now i realised, i dont have any feelings for him! i dont know what happened, it just occurred to me! thing is i said i want it over, i dont want to leave it on bad terms because i dont see the point really, nc is only for if your feelings are so strong that it hurts you and keeps you hooked. i just want it over but he doesnt believe me now as i have said it so many times! i think their comes a point in these relationships where usually the natural progression of a relationship is that you get deeper more committed and its exciting but with these relationships there reaches a point where it becomes stagnant, theres no where else for it to go. its boring! thats the most youre going to get out of it and it is very very boring!

[Owl]

Originally posted by Tamed Wildflower

Truthfully, I could never blame anyone for acting on their feelings of closeness, safety, intimacy, passion, adventure, or love by having sex. I just want to know how other people reconcile all the conflicts involved in deciding to do that.

 

Owl, don't think I don't understand that I am posing a danger to my MM friend's marriage by being in his life. I know that I am not doing his wife any favors here. I am not trying to do his wife a favor, but I would never want to hurt her. I recently asked my MM friend how his wife would feel if she found out, and his response was honest and heartbreaking. Not surprisingly, the response was that she would feel betrayed, deeply wounded, angry, enraged, and have occasional moments of understanding and empathy for her H. Facing how our emotional affair would affect his wife had a huge impact on my realization that this simply has to end.

 

I am simply trying to deal with a really difficult situation that I and my MM friend have gotten ourselves into in a way that minimizes the damage to his marriage, to his wife, and to his son. This is hard to do, because letting go of each other is inevitably hurtful for us too. We also have to consider our own hearts here too. We have to let go in a way that minimizes our own pain.

 

 

Tamed-

 

I hope you're not taking this as an attack, because again, it's not. I'm speaking from experience here friend...I've been through dealing with the damage done by an emotional affair to my marriage. And I've learned a lot, not only about what happened in my case, but what has happened in many others as well.

 

The way that your relationship with your MM damages his relationship with his wife is subtle, but VERY real. See, he's investing emotionally in his relationship with you. He's sharing feelings and other things with you that he SHOULD be sharing with his wife. And it is VERY difficult for most people to successfully maintain two intimate (not nessacarily sexual, I mean emotionally intimate) relationships. What he's investing in you, what he shares with you, isn't shared with his wife. It creates a distance between them. And while HE may not notice it, almost all spouse do notice it. To her, he's becoming more distant. He's not sharing with her like he used to. He's distracted....distracted by thoughts of you, and your relationship with him. She may not even recognize it consciously, but she's likely got a 'gut feeling' that something is wrong. Honestly, that's why she'd feel all of the things that your MM mentioned...and in truth, there is no way he's got a real understanding of just how deeply she'll be wounded by this when she does find out. Make no mistake...she will eventually, regardless. It might be years from now, but it will happen. And it won't matter to her how long the affair has been over, its still going to be the most devastating thing she's EVER been through. Again...that's not a slam...I just want you to understand that the damage is already done...all you can do is try to minimize it at this point.

 

I find your first comment interesting. Your comment about not blaming... I hate to say it, but to me that sounds like a way of trying to "justify" doing something like that. Honestly, all men (and women as far as I know) find themselves tempted at sometime...emotionally, or physically. When I learned of my wife's affair, there was someone who was very understanding, whom I realized has actually had an interest in me for a long time...yes, it was VERY tempting for me to turn to her. BUT...here's the thing...I KNOW that I am responsible for my own choices and actions. Just like my wife was...just like you are. And with that knowledge, I did the one thing I could...I got as far away from this lady as I could. That's the real thing here....it's ALWAYS a choice to act on your feelings. NO ONE has to act on how they feel. And without that action, the feelings WILL fade over time.

 

I really do hope that things can work out in a way that minimizes the hurt that all three of you are going to through...that pain, that hurt, it became inevitable when your relationship went outside the bounds of friendship. But I really do hope that you ALL come out of this as best as you can. Good luck!

[crickett_lee]

If you filled your void w/ Jesus, turned your life around, and found the man God has appointed you, You will be much happier. It's easy to fall in the seduction trap, but it 's not what you are entitled to ...You can have SO much more...I'm not judging or hating, I'm just hurting for you. Pray ask Jesus into your heart and I promise he will provide.

Love,

Crickett (prayer warrior in the making)

[Sami_D]

If you filled your void w/ Jesus, turned your life around, and found the man God has appointed you...

 

And how does one do that..?

 

*unashamedly contributing to a resurrected thread*

[newbby]

well you should be ashamed sami, look how young i was then.

[Sami_D]

eh..? what..?

[newbby]

umm i was young in this thread

[Sami_D]

Lucky you, newbby... I wasn't young when the entire site was created LOL

[scarletletter]

I had to read this thread because it is the one thing about my MM that bugs the living hell out of me...that he is still with his wife. He is very open and honest about their relationship when we met. Before we got anything started, we both explained about are lives at home and what we were missing and the reasons/reason we cannot leave or don't want to leave at this point....children. He told me that the reason he was seeking an extramarital relationship was that his wife absolutely had no interest in sex whatsoever and he was so tired of trying to persuade her. He said that he knows she cannot love him anymore and always puts him last. He needed someone to fill that need for him until he felt he could leave his children. I agreed to this and one thing led to another and here we are. We are together by a choice that we made, not a really smart one, but nevertheless, it was our decision. It has been 6 months now and things are good and going as expected. It still drives me nuts that he sleeps in the same bed with another woman because we are in such an intimate relationship. I don't know or don't ask about him having sex with her. I know how he feels about me and how I feel about him and I try not to think about it too much. It is a subject that I stay away from because I don't want to seem to pressure him. We both like things the way that they are for now. I guess my answer to this question is...AVOID THINKING ABOUT IT. I also have ways of telling that he has not had sex with anyone else when he is with me. It is very obvious at times....lol. Still a tough subject and I would much rather have him in my bed every night...but its gonna be a while longer for that, if ever.

[mopar crazy]

As a BS the exOW and I were both stupid about this topic. When I heard rumors of the exOW and their A I was in big time denial. I kicked him out of the house b/c H said he wanted a D. I was very angry, didn't want him around me, just wanted him gone. But when he did move out I realized I did want the M to work. So what did I do? Slept w/ him every time he came over to see the kids. When the kids would go to bed we would end up in bed. I was so dumb! He was having his cake and eating it too. Even though he said he was having second thoughts about the D he was still sleeping w/ the exOW. I always wondered if she ever knew what was going on between the two of us and how she would have felt if she did know.

[Sami_D]

Well since we're adding to the topic. This would be an absolute deal breaker for me. IF I found out that MM was having sex with his W he wouldn't see me for dust. I've already told him how I feel about this, not only from an emotional point of view, but from the STD angle (how do we know she's not sleeping with someone else while he's away all week.??)

 

If he would be willing to put me at risk like that, he's gone.

[RecordProducer]

So by telling your MM that you don't want to hear about him sleeping with his wife, you get exactly that - you don't hear about it. But do you really expect that he doesn't sleep with his wife who is clueless about his affair? Not even occasionally for the last few months or years since you've been together?

 

C'mon! How naive can a woman be? They are not room mates, they are married! They probably serve you with the story about their wives not giving them sex, their marriages existing only on paper or for the children, and god knows what else. But it's not like they are sick of their wives and puke every time they see them.

 

The first thing they do to cover their affairs (the time, the money, etc.) so that they don't get caught is probably have sex with their wives and tell them how much they love them. As Mopar said, the OW most likely didn't even know that her lover slept with his wife every time he would come to see the children. And they were separated! Her husband wanted to divorce her and marry the OW! So he cheated on the OW as well. Most OW don't ever come even close to that position.

 

I think all OW should accept the reality as it is. Most MM probably sleep regularly (at least a few times a month) with their wives. After all, how can you trust someone who is cheating on and lying to his own wife? Why would he be faithful to his mistress and not sleep with his wife? When MM is at home, I am sure he doesn't feel obligated to refuse ex with his wife in order to be faithful to the OW. They are cheaters, for god's sake!

[Sami_D]

I think all OW should accept the reality as it is. Most MM probably sleep regularly (at least a few times a month) with their wives. After all, how can you trust someone who is cheating on and lying to his own wife? Why would he be faithful to his mistress and not sleep with his wife? When MM is at home, I am sure he doesn't feel obligated to refuse ex with his wife in order to be faithful to the OW. They are cheaters, for god's sake!

 

Yes, I know. I've said exactly what you said here to him not many weeks ago! Of course what you're saying is perfectly logical.

 

But I'm just going to have to trust him on this, because if I'm having a R with someone I have to be able to trust them or there's no point. How can I trust him on it? Well, firstly, because I don't see him as an out-and-out liar, I see him as someone who is keeping something from someone (his W) who doesn't care what he does. She has no interest in sex or any kind of intimacy with him. His not revealing something to his W (considering the R they have) is totally different from not revealing something to someone who actually is in an intimate R with him, wants a future with him (and vice versa), and does ask him particular questions. Lying by omission is different to barefaced lying when asked direct questions.

 

Then I look at the practicalities, and other evidence. Well, he's only with her weekends. Now of course they could be having rampant sex the entire time the kids are out of the way, but I know that he always emails me after she's gone to bed, and in the past, before we even met up, he used to come online for hours after she and the kids were in bed and chat to me till the small hours. It just doesn't seem likely they fit it in at any time.

 

Then there's the fact that I didn't make it a make-or-break thing until October. Until then, I had more or less assumed that he might sleep with her at some point - say if she decided she needed to try to work on her M and actually DID approach him for sex after showing no interest for years. But just a month or so ago I realised that if he wasn't leaving just yet, that I needed to know that there wasn't going to be any sex between them in the future. He said again... look, I just don't think it would happen, but OK, I'll promise not to have sex with her, even if she asks. I'll make an excuse. So what I'm saying is... that he had all that time when he could have told me they were sleeping together... even all the time we were separated and he was working on the M (last summer, for 3 months)... and it never did happen.

 

So why should it suddenly start now that we're much closer and he has no intentions of making the M work, or resuming any kind of intimacy with her..?

 

Well, those are my reasons for thinking he's probably only having sex with me. Of course I could be wrong. But IF I find out that he has been lying to my face, that's when I'll speak differently about this. I can't HAVE a R with him if I feel there's any real chance he is lying to me.

[Sami_D]

Just wanted to add, that sexless marriages or LTRs aren't unheard of. Just because they're sleeping in the same bed doesn't mean that anything physical will inevitably happen.

 

My first LTR lasted 9 years... and there was no sex after the 4th year. We were just in a rut... neither of us could be bothered with making it work. He worked long hours and I hardly saw him. Bedtime was very platonic. Same thing happened in my relationship before last. The last 2 years (of just over 5) were completely sexless. It wasn't a big drama... we just grew apart, and the sex is often the first thing to go.

[Ladyjane14]

...I don't see him as an out-and-out liar, I see him as someone who is keeping something from someone (his W) who doesn't care what he does. She has no interest in sex or any kind of intimacy with him. His not revealing something to his W (considering the R they have) is totally different from not revealing something to someone who actually is in an intimate R with him, wants a future with him (and vice versa), and does ask him particular questions. Lying by omission is different to barefaced lying when asked direct questions.

 

Huh???

 

A lie isn't a lie if the person you tell it to is of no intimate value to you? A lie by omission doesn't qualify as a LIE?

 

Girl, you are twisting like a pretzel trying to make excuses for this guy.

[RecordProducer]

Sami, you sound like a very intelligent and tolerant person and those two qualities can be a huge burden when used in the wrong fields. I don't even think that whether he has sex with his wife is so important. What IS important is that he goes back to his wife as his primary choice after you. Meaning: if he had to choose between you and her, he would choose to stay with her (and maybe find someone else as a surrogate for you).

 

 

I don't want to sound harsh, but I do. I feel for a woman like you, who obviously has qualities, but appreciates herself "enough" to be with someone who is not available. I wish you could find someone who is single and have a decent life instead of sacrificing for this cake eater.

 

Did you really not have sex for 5 and 2 years respectively with your last two lovers? Not even once? What did you do with them then? Didn't kiss them? Didn't tell them you loved them?

 

I know that sexless marriages do exist, but do you want your MM to be faithful to you because his wife doesn't give him sex? Or do you want him to be with you because he has no courage to divorce?

 

I know you will wait for him until his little kids move out of his house (which is in 10-15 years), but I think you're wasting your time on the wrong guy. I am sorry.

 

By the way, if I would cheat on my husband (and I NEVER would), I would tell my other man that I am not having sex with my husband (unless he stated that he doesn't mind). On the other hand, I would have sex with my husband so that he doesn't figure out what's going on. And this is a woman who wouldn't cheat speaking! Imagine if I were known as a cheater and liar.

 

What you said about anyone being able to cheat in the "right" circumstances, is not just sleeping with other people. It's lying and cheating. Do you really think that ALL people have the ability to be liars equally? You think taht your MM is just "not telling his wife" when he comes home and says he had an appointment with a business partner or something like that? He is LYING to her all the time!

 

If you don't believe me, call hr! Tell her that you're his OW. See how upset she will get. After all, people who hide things are ashamed of themselves. As Balsac said: "Aren't we denying our dignity when we lie?"

[Sami_D]

A lie by omission doesn't qualify as a LIE?

 

??

 

I didn't say it wasn't a LIE.

 

I said it's a different thing to LIE by omission, than to lie to someone's face when they ask you a specific question. Don't you find it's easier to do the former..?

[Sami_D]

Sami, you sound like a very intelligent and tolaerant person and those two qualitites can be a huge burden when used in the wrong fields. I don't even thin k that whether he has sex with his wiofe is so important. What IS important is that he goes back to his wife as his primary choice after you. Meaning: if he had to choose between you and her, he would choose to stay with her (and maybe find someone else as a surogate for you).

 

 

I don't want to sound harsh, but I do. I feel for a woman liek you who obviously has qualities, but appreciates herself "enough" to be with someone who is not available. I wish you could find someone who is single and have a decent life instead of sacrificing for this cake eater.

 

Did you really not have sex for 5 adn 2 years respectively with your last two lovers? Not even once? What did you do with them then? Didn't kiss them? Didn't tll them you loved them?

 

I know that sexless marriages exist, but it's still not an excuse to have a mistress. Do you want your MM to be faithful to you because his wife doesn't give him sex? Or do you want him to be with you because he has no courage to divorce?

 

I know you will wait for him until his little kis move out of hi house (which is in 10-15 years), but I think you're wasting your time on the wrong guy. I am sorry.

 

They weren't my last two lovers... they were my first LTR, and the relationship before my last one. No, we didn't kiss passionately. And as for 'I love you's' I don't remember with my first LTR. With my boyfriend before last... I am still great friends with him, and still love him, and yes, we tell each other we love eachother... but it's platonic, not sexual love. BUT I didn't write that so anyone would pity my being in sexless Rs. I wrote it to point out that NOT ALL MEN have sex with the women they're living with, or sharing the same bed with. It's not inevitable.

 

Yes, I agree... being intelligent and tolerant may well be two big problems I have... I'm aware of that. :S

 

What IS important is that he goes back to his wife as his primary choice after you. Meaning: if he had to choose between you and her, he would choose to stay with her (and maybe find someone else as a surogate for you).

 

Not sure what 'primary choice after me' = he would choose her over me means exactly. But... I am 90% sure that in the event of a dday, he would choose me. I can't be 100% sure... but I am sure enough that that's how it would be. Could be wrong, but then we all could be wrong. No, he wouldn't find someone else to take my place. I know him, I know how he is, and I know what I mean to him. Just because he's a MM doesn't mean he is automatically an ***hole.

 

I know that sexless marriages exist, but it's still not an excuse to have a mistress. Do you want your MM to be faithful to you because his wife doesn't give him sex? Or do you want him to be with you because he has no courage to divorce?

 

I know you will wait for him until his little kis move out of hi house (which is in 10-15 years), but I think you're wasting your time on the wrong guy. I am sorry.

 

Have I mentioned 'excuses' for having an affair..? No. I've mentioned reasons. And actually, for over a year of us knowing each other, MM and I didn't have sex. What we have isn't about sex. But now we're on the subject, the sex is fantastic

 

Having said all that, if his W was interested in sex with him... I don't know whether he'd be having an A at all. I don't know... I don't know his ultimate reasons for this. I have a feeling that, given how we are together, we would probably have come together whatever... it's just a gut feeling about our comfort and 'coming home' feelings we get. I am hoping he'll post here soon and you can ask him yourself

 

Lack of courage, etc... well, I don't know whether that's the quality he's lacking, if he is lacking anything. I don't know his W, I don't know how things would/will be when he does D. I do know that wives can be very awkward about access and so on, but it may all be that he's worrying unnecessarily. All I know is I can't force it, and it's his decision.

 

Staying till his 9 yr old (as of yesterday) daughter leaves home..? You HAVE to be joking. No, much as I love him. If he would be prepared to make this a long-term arrangement to cheat on his wife JUST so he doesn't have to face some difficult decisions... he would not be the man I love. He knows that also.

[whichwayisup]

No, he wouldn't find someone else to take my place. I know him, I know how he is, and I know what I mean to him. Just because he's a MM doesn't mean he is automatically an ***hole.

 

I'm sure his wife thinks that of herself as well...And HE took vows, married her, had children with her, started a LIFE with her. He may not be an a**h***, he may have a huge heart and be a kind, gentle person in general... But he is making a fool of you in a sense. Not maliciously, but VERY selfishly.

 

I'm just putting this out here Sami, but have you thought of talking to someone one on one? I don't mean that as an insult saying you need therapy, but your frame of mind isn't where it should be. You've got these blinders on, you justify his actions...Because of your hope and love for him. He doesn't deserve you or his wife! HE IS LYING (a turd is still a turd, no matter how much you polish it) to both of you! Ofcourse he's still having sex with his wife. He has had children with her. They sleep in the same bed. They talk, they cuddle, they share about their days, there is intimacy there. If you are going to believe that he does NONE of that, then there's some Swamp land for free I can sell ya. I'm sorry, okay, I don't mean to sound like I'm sure this is reading to you...It just KILLS me reading what you say and HOW much you are willing to go through for this man. I hope for your sake HE will follow through. Remember Marie1973? All the broken promises her MM told her? 2 bloody years she waited for him, and each time he balked. Lied, and balked. Maybe the intent wasn't to LIE, at the time he may have meant it...Like many MM I'm sure convince themselves "one day..." But it's that ONE DAY that never comes.

 

I wish you all the best, always. You have a good heart Sami and he knows this. And uses it against you without you knowing it.

[Sami_D]

I'm sure his wife thinks that of herself as well...And HE took vows, married her, had children with her, started a LIFE with her.

 

How can you possibly know what she thinks..? I don't know what she thinks, and I know him... and a tiny amount about her... but all anyone on this site knows is she's a BS. But that's a small point.

 

He did do all those things, 15 years ago. And now all those things (apart from the C) are over. And he's started a R with me. It happens. And I believe it's going somewhere. Whether it will be derailed by her suddenly realising she wants him... (it often happens), I just don't know. My one big worry is that the lost love they shared will be rekindled... and become something. I can't say. I can't even say that I'd try to step in the way if that did happen and I believed he and she could be happy together. I just wish this uncertain period was over so I dont' have to worry about that any longer. But it's not.

 

he is making a fool of you in a sense. Not maliciously, but VERY selfishly.

 

Is HE making a fool of me..? In front of whom? I am the one posting here. Or do you mean something else by that..? I am reading and posting here because I think that people can gain a lot by sharing stories. If my story goes t*** up... then I hope people will listen.

 

I'm just putting this out here Sami, but have you thought of talking to someone one on one? I don't mean that as an insult saying you need therapy, but your frame of mind isn't where it should be. You've got these blinders on, you justify his actions...Because of your hope and love for him.

 

Hmm... once again this is brought up. And I DO take it on board time and again. But to be honest... I think I'm pretty level-headed and realistic. Could you tell me exactly where I am blind about the future, or him..? Or is it a reaction you have about me being so calm and patient (or whatever?), or just not freaking out in one direction or another..? Where do you see the problem? I don't feel I'm blindly 'hoping'... I think I've said over and over in quite a few threads that I might be wrong, it might go badly..?

 

 

Of course he's still having sex with his wife. He has had children with her. They sleep in the same bed. They talk, they cuddle, they share about their days, there is intimacy there.

 

Well how can you know that..? On what grounds..? And are your grounds for believing that is 'surely' the case more significant than my grounds for believing that the man I know, and the experiences I've had, tell me that it's quite as likely that he's not having sex with her. They don't talk, cuddle, or share anything resembling intimacy. He lives away all week. They don't even chat on the phone of an evening - I know those things for a fact.

 

 

... HOW much you are willing to go through for this man.

Well, actually, the one and only thing I'm suffering from in this R is the knowledge that something MIGHT be re-kindled between him and his W at some point. I don't have any real worries about what he's sharing with her at the moment. I don't feel that I'm suffering... but I do miss him, and I feel that we're missing out on our lives together. But how can I put that against the time he spends with his little girl...? At least I can't at the moment, when we're still in the getting to know you stage...

 

Remember Marie1973? All the broken promises her MM told her? 2 bloody years she waited for him, and each time he balked. Lied, and balked.

 

I can't remember the story, to be honest. But the only thing he has ever promised me is that he won't have sex with his W. I don't know, he doesn't know, whether he will leave. He says he intends to leave. But we both know that intentions and what will happen are two different things. He may never leave. We can't possibly know yet. I think that, given the way our R is going at the moment... that there will come a time, in the not too distant future, when he realises that it's best for HIM if he leaves... But I don't know. Neither does he. I'm GLAD he hasn't promised me anything in that regard. Because it means I can still take him at his word.

[AJS]

When I was in an affair, I lied to my OM all the time about having sex with my husband. I didn't want to hurt his feelings or rub it in his face. I even told him I slept on the couch, and he really believed me because he wanted too. Rose colored glasses fit him to a tee.

[seachange]

But I'm just going to have to trust him on this, because if I'm having a R with someone I have to be able to trust them or there's no point. How can I trust him on it? Well, firstly, because I don't see him as an out-and-out liar, I see him as someone who is keeping something from someone (his W) who doesn't care what he does. She has no interest in sex or any kind of intimacy with him.

 

Sami, hon, this just drives me up the wall. You're making a LOT of assumptions here about how his wife feels, based only on what he tells you. Have you actually ever met her? Seen them together? Seen whether he ever touches her tenderly, holds her at night, makes love to her? Because if not, you do NOT know. No matter how much he loves you, it's in his interest to embellish, to lie by omission if you will. No matter how many questions you ask him, if he wants to find a way out while convincing himself he's not flat-out lying, he can. The only question is, would he lie?

 

And the answer is yes. Because he already has - he hasn't told her about you. Why is that? Why, if she really doesn't care what he does, would that be??

 

You are twisting like a pretzel to make it fit the way you most want it to - believe me, I understand. I really, really do. I did the same thing - from the opposite perspective, but it really amounts to the same thing. But at a certain point, you have to stop all the bending over backwards, because you're only hurting yourself.

 

His not revealing something to his W (considering the R they have) is totally different from not revealing something to someone who actually is in an intimate R with him, wants a future with him (and vice versa), and does ask him particular questions. Lying by omission is different to barefaced lying when asked direct questions.

 

Sami. STOP IT. ARGH ARGH ARGH.

 

Look. Why are you so sure she doesn't also think she's in an intimate relationship with him, wants a future with him and asks him particular questions?

 

If she doesn't care or think they're truly, intimately together: WHY DOESN'T HE JUST TELL HER ABOUT YOU?

 

Doesn't the fact that he hasn't make you suspect, AT ALL, that maybe, just maybe, he's not telling you everything either???

 

And if that's true, then maybe you have to face the possibility that he's lied about one or more other things, too.

 

One last thing - how on God's green earth do you know that she doesn't ask him these questions? How, exactly? I honestly have no idea whether this man is an a**h*** or not. But perhaps the reason his wife doesn't suspect about you is because he's quite a good liar.

[Sami_D]

Well, seachange, you might be right. I might be completely and utterly wrong about him and his situation.

 

But I'd say that most of what I'm judging him on isn't what he says, but what has happened in the past 2 years, and what he's done. And what I know of how much time they spend together, and what they do when they are together. No, I can't SEE those things, but after 2 years, I'm making an educated guess about it.

 

The one thing I have an uncomfortable feeling about is that, if he does tell her he's leaving... she'll suddenly realise he wasn't happy all that time and want to make it work, and pull out all the stops (but then, I'm imagining she would want him as much as I do... she may not. She may be sick to death of him, who knows?). I am guessing that, rather than her being unfeeling towards his needs (his perspective), it's more even on both sides that they have just grown apart and unused to being intimate. I think their M has probably been repairable all this time, if one of them had made a concerted effort... he doesn't feel that. While we split up for 3 months last year, I don't believe he did anything more than try to forget me.

 

I think that as our (mine and his) R gets stronger, the chances of them getting back together would seem (to me) to become lessened. Lessened, but not impossible. But that's just my perspective. I know that he has a lot of resentment towards her... and that, and how good we are together, may be enough for him to leave, and stay left.

 

I don't have blinders on. I don't have to listen to anything negative he says about her. The worst thing he's ever said about her is that she's more involved with the kids and social life than she is with him. I am not swallowing a pile of BS that he's feeding me... because he isn't telling me a story about them. The times she's mentioned are few and far between. He's not promising me anything. I'm going on my own gut feeling, and I'm prepared for my being wrong, and it ending without him having left.