I need support: how to forget my fiance's ex

[dichotomy]

dichotomy --

 

 

You raise valid points but the facts still remain, if he can't get past this (& I'm not saying he has to but if he can't), he can't marry her. What good will it do for them to marry & him punish her for the rest of her life?

 

 

Yes - that type punishment can happen.

 

I think it will come down to a deep discussion of her beliefs and how she feels about this. He says she understands the mistake of it, yet she indicates deep feelings for this married man. If she professes to share his beliefs on "Christian principals" and marriage and sex, then they need to seek counseling through a church associated therapists. Because she appears to be living under a double standard - not just on sex but on the sanctity of marriage. I think if she can get past this in a healthy deep way - maybe he can. right now all I hear is - "it was a mistake but I loved MM intensely". This seems very juvenile and she not ready for marriage(forgetting religion).

Edited December 1, 2014 by dichotomy

[whichwayisup]

Is it the fact she has had sex or is it that it was with a married man? What if the guy was single, would you still have thoughts like you're having now of her with another guy? Or was it that she was totally into him and loved him very much.. What if she had those same feelings for a single guy from her past?

 

Two issues here, sex and her past feelings of love from previous encounter.

[Thicke2013]

I love how everyone chastises the "Christian" for having morals and permitting the fiance' to have none. He is not being judgmental people! We all have certain values, morals and attributes we look for in a mate and he just found out that some which are very important to HIM (you don't have to agree but have no right dogging him for it) are not that which he thought they were. Is it called being judgmental because I prefer a non smoker? Sheesh! Also, if she has been raised in the same church and ethical background as he has, then she most likely knew the kind of person he was looking for. Now, I'm not saying that she should have bared her soul on the first date, but if I know that me having children as a divorced man is possibly a deal breaker for the woman I am dating then I will definitely bring it up long before the big question is popped. Oh hey now that you've agreed to marry me I have something to tell you. I have 3 kids. Give me a break!

 

OP, you are right to have concerns over the apparent gap in morals between the two of you (and before someone condemns me for being judgmental, I'm not saying either is right or wrong) and it most definitely will bring division. What I read in your post isn't merely that she had sex, but that in the manner she has represented herself to you and when this took place do not match up. Now, others on here are correct in saying that Jesus forgives. He has forgiven all of us. She doesn't need to ask your forgiveness because it happened before you two were involved. You do need to ask yourself if she is truly remorseful for what she has done? If she says she shares the same moral compass then she should be incredibly remorseful and repentant. Also, how recent did this happen? I ask this because in my opinion if it happened a couple of years ago and she realized that what she was doing was wrong and is remorseful and seems to be moving forward in a healthy manner, you probably don't have anything to worry about. If this is more recent I would have to say that getting involved in that might be a recipe for disaster. I worry when you say you can tell that she still has feelings for this guy. Married or not, I am not going to be second to anyone. I dated a girl once and stopped seeing her because all she wanted to talk about was her ex and all the incredible dates that they went on together. It was obvious she was still in to him and I wasn't playing that game. When you get married you need to know without a doubt that at that moment you are the only one on her mind. That she wants to be there with you and wants to be your wife. If you go into it and you are constantly wondering if she is thinking about him, then cut your loses now and move on.

 

All of the people on here that say you are wrong for what you believe, are the most judgmental of all. That shoe fits both feet. Good luck OP.

[evanescentworld]

You miss the point entirely.

We're judging him - for being judgemental. NOT for having Morals.....

 

He can have as many morals as he wants.

The fact that HE is using them to judge her, and made assumptions about her without checking first, is the problem.

 

And we have advised him that as their opinions, views and experiences are at such variance, that he does not marry her.

 

They are clearly unmatched.

[KatZee]

Someone wise once said: that's the problem with the word "assume." It just makes an a.ss of u and me.

 

Agreeing with everyone else that you two are not matched on a moral level. Eventually everything you feel for her will be eaten away into resentment. Get over it or move on.

[Marshal]

Chackkarev, one thing you'll face in life as a christian is this mentality of don't judge everyone else, yet these same people will judge you, they won't take the time to understand you, but you can't make the same mistake or your faith will be thrown in your face. What God teaches is not old stuff, it's principles of morality to always be kept, always, so be proud of yourself for saving yourself for marriage. Your not judging her, you're just hurt that she's been with someone else, there's nothing wrong with what your feeling inside as long as you're not insulting or ill-treating her, because it happened before she met you and she may truly love you.

 

You can't be blamed for being hurt that your a virgin and she's not, you dreamed of a pure marriage where you'd both experience intimacy for the first time, a moment shared between only the two of you, you deserve that experience because you kept your end in life so be proud, don't let anybody bring you down.

 

Your not sick in anyway, your hurt like anybody would be. What bothers me is that she didn't respect anothers marriages vows, so what about yours. She said she couldn't resist, this is how affairs begin you know it's wrong but you can't help yourself, she proved she's capable of this, if you can't respect someone eldest vows how will you respect your own, for your sake I hope she respects your vows.

 

She did tell you about the MM so that's good, just hope your not her safe guy, alot of the BS's on this site were their wives safety zones. You already said your hurt but you love her and want to marry her, you have this pain simply because you're untouched and longed for the same from your wife and all of a sudden it wasn't so, so in a sense you're sort of grieving.

 

If you continue with the marriage pay attention to how sexually attracted she is to you, you're post states you believe she's done alot with this guy, so don't be that guy who's wife gives him less, if it seems so address the situation, it won't address itself. She can't change what she's done, just ask the questions to make sure you're no rebound love or safety net because she had a bad experience in love. Your a man of faith and faith teaches wisdom, look into every little thing if you're still going through with this, if not you'll have no one to blame but yourself.

 

Hope it all works out.

[evanescentworld]

If he continues with the marriage, he would be doing the most idiotic thing he ever could. Christian or no Christian, morals or no morals, the two of them are clearly on different pages when it comes to evaluating personal matters, and they always will be.

Why?

Because if they differ so much now, what makes anyone thing that anything that has happened will change that for the better?

 

This will always - BUT ALWAYS - be uppermost in his mind.

Faith - blind, or otherwise - will not save this, because I suspect their level and depth of faith is also imbalanced.

I am not a Christian (though I used to be) so I can see both sides of the coin here.

And it doesn't look good from whichever side you look at it.

[dichotomy]

Does anyone here understand ( including OP) - what page his fiancée' is on?

 

This is why he should not marry her.

[NateGrey]

Look, I'm not going to touch the whole religion thing with a 10 foot pole. BUT what I find strange is that she refuses to have sex with the OP, but has no problem banging married men? You see the problem here?

 

I would ask her why she wants a "fulfilling engagement with Christian principles" when she has already f*cked a married man? Ask her how she justifies that, ask her why sex with a married man is okay, but sex with you is not?

 

I'm not religious, but you clearly are so why would you marry her? Again, I don't believe in these things but YOU do and you want to marry someone who does, so if that is the case, you really can't marry someone who so easily throws away their morals. Again I am not judging her and I am not religious, I am just trying to see it from the point of view of the OP.

Edited December 9, 2014 by NateGrey

[evanescentworld]

Look, I'm not going to touch the whole religion thing with a 10 foot pole. BUT what I find strange is that she refuses to have sex with the OP, but has no problem banging married men? You see the problem here?

 

I would ask her why she wants a "fulfilling engagement with Christian principles" when she has already f*cked a married man? Ask her how she justifies that, ask her why sex with a married man is okay, but sex with you is not?

 

I'm not religious, but you clearly are so why would you marry her? Again, I don't believe in these things but YOU do and you want to marry someone who does, so if that is the case, you really can't marry someone who so easily throws away their morals. Again I am not judging her and I am not religious, I am just trying to see it from the point of view of the OP.

You misunderstand the OP. He doesn't want to have sex before marriage and she has agreed to this. You may need to read the thread again, but it looks to me as if the OP isn't paying attention or coming back....

[NateGrey]

You misunderstand the OP. He doesn't want to have sex before marriage and she has agreed to this. You may need to read the thread again, but it looks to me as if the OP isn't paying attention or coming back....

 

No, I understand the OP perfectly, I know he doesn't want sex before marriage. What I am saying, however, is that he probably doesn't want to marry a woman who thinks it is okay to screw married men, but won't screw him and will blame it on "christian principles". That is shady to me. So I know the guy isn't looking for pre marital sex, but the fact she was more then willing to go play the part of a potential homewrecker, but won't do it with her boyfriend? I don't know, I'd be bothered by that, even if I did not want pre marital sex from her.

 

I guess what I am saying is it sets a weird creepy tone for the entire relationship. If I was a christian I would see such a woman as someone who plays up the christian values only when it suits her, and when it doesn't? Well, values be damned. So like I said I am not religious, but if I was, and I wanted someone who in turn was also religious like me, I would be seeing major red flags here.