Need to forgive

[DbleBetrayal]

Yes, both cheated, but one was a FWB relationship that lasted 2 months and the other was a romantic "love" relationship that lasted 2 years.

Who wouldn't compare the two? HOw can you just "stop" that?

Affairs where sex is the main or only motivation are easier for a BS to get over surely, than an affair where sex plus "I love you" plus long term cheating, is the main theme.

 

The husband didn't know about the wife's affair till after he had been found out, so a bit convenient to "blame" her now, NO?

 

Plus the OW is STILL contacting him, and he hasn't given the OW the bottom line and he is still blaming the 2 year long affair on her... for being 'boring' for christ sake; not for having an inkling about a f***buddy from 4 years ago..... for being boring. I mean, let's not loose focus on the currant situation- it's a big part of reconciliation as well. And it doesn't seem up to scratch. OP you say that you trust him enough to not block the OW having contact with your husband... but why? He cheated on you for two years, exchanged strong feelings and doesn't tell the OW what the go is after she sent that email.

 

You're asking us how you can forgive him and move on... well it seems by your lack of action and self blame, that you have already forgiven or at least found a coping mechanism. Maybe your pregnancy hormones are more focused on your health and your baby's health at this point. Which is maybe the only reason I'd be willing to agree with rug-sweeping in order to get through this.

 

All the best

[Rainbowlove]

Why does it have to be a reflection of you?

 

Why can't it be a reflection of him?

 

It doesn't mean there was anything wrong with you. He should have been honest, but some folks are cowards and don't know how to engage in adult conversations.

 

Telling your spouse you've fallen in love with someone else is damn hard to do. Been there, done that. It sucked, but it would have been far harder on everyone sneaking around and lying about it.

 

I'm sorry you were had. Don't dwell on what you can't change or control. It's not about you at all.

[j1986]

My husband told me that he was going to "quietly end things" with his AP this month had he not been caught (so that he would have a month to prepare himself for the baby). He never would have told me and I never would have told him. And he thinks we would have been happier that way. So yes, I "lied" about the affair for years, but he would have done the same thing. And if he suspected anything (which he didn't, he's told me, but everyone on here seems to be convinced that he did), he didn't care enough to even ask. At least I cared enough to notice.

 

So yes, we do deserve each other because we're both selfish liars. But we also have the same sense of humor, love of travel and the outdoors and we support each other's life goals. I know that our whole marriage isn't a lie and that we have some truly amazing memories. I guess I should have just googled success stories that involved both spouses cheating but remaining together. I just wanted some hope.

[j1986]

Plus the OW is STILL contacting him, and he hasn't given the OW the bottom line and he is still blaming the 2 year long affair on her... for being 'boring' for christ sake; not for having an inkling about a f***buddy from 4 years ago..... for being boring. I mean, let's not loose focus on the currant situation- it's a big part of reconciliation as well. And it doesn't seem up to scratch. OP you say that you trust him enough to not block the OW having contact with your husband... but why? He cheated on you for two years, exchanged strong feelings and doesn't tell the OW what the go is after she sent that email.

 

You're asking us how you can forgive him and move on... well it seems by your lack of action and self blame, that you have already forgiven or at least found a coping mechanism. Maybe your pregnancy hormones are more focused on your health and your baby's health at this point. Which is maybe the only reason I'd be willing to agree with rug-sweeping in order to get through this.

 

All the best

 

 

He has told the OW that there will be no more contact. They actually don't have any mutual friends or any reason to run into each other. He showed me a picture of her so I would know in case she came around. She has known not to contact him since I initially found out and she chose to break that rule, not him. So I guess I just feel that it is fair to give him the benefit of the doubt.

 

I do forgive very easily. And I know that if I wasn't pregnant, this might be going vastly different. But I can't change any of the circumstances, including my own affair and how I handled it. So I'm just trying to do what I think is best for everyone involved.

[AlwaysGrowing]

My husband told me that he was going to "quietly end things" with his AP this month had he not been caught (so that he would have a month to prepare himself for the baby). He never would have told me and I never would have told him. And he thinks we would have been happier that way. So yes, I "lied" about the affair for years, but he would have done the same thing. And if he suspected anything (which he didn't, he's told me, but everyone on here seems to be convinced that he did), he didn't care enough to even ask. At least I cared enough to notice.

 

So yes, we do deserve each other because we're both selfish liars. But we also have the same sense of humor, love of travel and the outdoors and we support each other's life goals. I know that our whole marriage isn't a lie and that we have some truly amazing memories. I guess I should have just googled success stories that involved both spouses cheating but remaining together. I just wanted some hope.

 

There are people that go on to have a much better relationship. It isn't easy. Nor is it the norm.

 

One has to challenge their thought processes. One needs to be critical of themselves.

 

For instances. In the post I quoted.

 

You wrote that your husband didn't care enough to ask, and you cared enough to notice.

 

You just painted yourself in white and your husband in black.

 

Could the truth not be...that he trusted you. And you used his trust against him. That you trusted him and he used your trust in him against you.

 

You some how spun it into, you being a better BS/spouse than he is.

[j1986]

There are people that go on to have a much better relationship. It isn't easy. Nor is it the norm.

 

One has to challenge their thought processes. One needs to be critical of themselves.

 

For instances. In the post I quoted.

 

You wrote that your husband didn't care enough to ask, and you cared enough to notice.

 

You just painted yourself in white and your husband in black.

 

Could the truth not be...that he trusted you. And you used his trust against him. That you trusted him and he used your trust in him against you.

 

You some how spun it into, you being a better BS/spouse than he is.

 

I see your point. Its definitely valid. I was just tired of everyone saying that he must have known, etc and he didn't. So everyone was just harping and harping on that when its irrelevant. Unless he also lied about not suspecting. But like why? I am obviously still working on the not comparing thing.

 

I just feel like the issue got so out of hand. YES I CHEATED TOO. I wanted advice on how a couple can overcome these things. It hit me very hard that he said he loved her whether it was true or not (which again seems to be harped on, but the fact that he said it at all bugs me because he says it me too. When does it really become "just words" or "meaningless"?)

 

I just wanted to see if people had anything to say about overcoming that. But it turned into "well, you basically deserve it because you cheated first." So I guess I went into super defensive mode which is dumb because you guys are internet strangers so I shouldn't care what you think. I appreciate everyone saying that it will be a long difficult road. We're choosing to stay together because we think in the long run, we'll be happier.

[DbleBetrayal]

I see your point. Its definitely valid. I was just tired of everyone saying that he must have known, etc and he didn't. So everyone was just harping and harping on that when its irrelevant. Unless he also lied about not suspecting. But like why? I am obviously still working on the not comparing thing.

 

I just feel like the issue got so out of hand. YES I CHEATED TOO. I wanted advice on how a couple can overcome these things. It hit me very hard that he said he loved her whether it was true or not (which again seems to be harped on, but the fact that he said it at all bugs me because he says it me too. When does it really become "just words" or "meaningless"?)

 

I just wanted to see if people had anything to say about overcoming that. But it turned into "well, you basically deserve it because you cheated first." So I guess I went into super defensive mode which is dumb because you guys are internet strangers so I shouldn't care what you think. I appreciate everyone saying that it will be a long difficult road. We're choosing to stay together because we think in the long run, we'll be happier.

 

 

Hi OP. I get what you are saying. You're concerns are being dismissed because you are a woman who admitted to cheating also. This automatically discredits anything you are feeling here or wanting to improve. Despite your affair being an 8 week eff buddy, and your partners being a two year full blown-double-life affair- filled with strong feelings. Here is an example of what I mean:

 

Take this thread in this forum here

 

Basically, this guy comes on here not being able to forgive his wife who cheated, once, 18 years ago- and like you- he also confessed when he discovered his wife's affair, that he had cheated himself- with his ex-wife. Also like you, he is also seeking answers and is unable to forgive- and like yours- his wayward spouse is also being dismissive; making it harder for him to forgive. (Sound familiar?)

 

Now compare what advice he is given, and take note at what advice you are given on LS. Also take into consideration, he is dealing with a one night stand- and you're trying to cope with a 2 year long affair whilst pregnant. Just pointing this out to you so you know it's not personal. LS is overrun with much more BH than BW, so you will be more harshly come down upon here than a cheating man.

 

Anyways, like I said- you are trying to forgive him. But he needs to help you, you can't forgive him on your own without his input and remorse.