What happened to her?

[Light Breeze]

Hello, I'm back.

I did as you guys said, I didn't talk to her, but she's been contacting me quite often recently. She starts conversation with various reasons, random internet video's, movie trailers, songs etc. Once she told me about the tattoo she wants to have, the sign of Infinity, we wanted to make it together when we were a couple but now she's the only one who wants to make it. She wants that tattoo so it will remind her of me, but the weird part is that she's going to make that tattoo being in the company of her future boyfriend, he doesn't know the meaning of the tattoo and like she said, he will never find out. She recently asked me if I like the dress she wore at a party and she's interested in my love life. She still wants to be with this guy, like she said but I think she's holding me for like a backup...I told her me and her will never get back together, and that we shouldn't talk, but she keeps starting up conversations.

What's wrong with her?

 

Hi OP,

 

The advice I think that was given you is NO CONTACT. It means NO CONTACT, none whatsoever. Believe me you don't want the ringside view of her lovelife, it'll hurt like hell. Don't think about her wellbeing, or likes or wants. The important thing here is YOU. Heal and learn from this experience and move forward. It will be the best move you can ever make.

[SycamoreCircle]

Based on this contact you've received lately, I would say you ex is majorly immature, as well.

 

Good news! That relieves some of the responsibility of the break up off of you. In fact, it sounds to me like some of the accusations she made against you were projections of her own behavior. And I feel these life altering choices the ex has made to suit the new boyfriend are indicators of someone who really has no idea who they are yet.

 

What does this change for you? Absolutely nothing. It should solidify the reality that this is over and you need to be NC to the fullest.

 

I'm sorry. Young people in their early 20's burn bridges routinely. Their brains are not fully formed(fact).

 

Get some distance. Gain some clarity. Heal. Move on.

[Satu]

I feel responsable for her, she's been by my side for more than 3 years, seeing her now, with this guy, who is even worse than me, from what she's been telling me and the fact that she's quiting university. Yeah, at this point I care more about her well being than my self esteem, i want to make sure she is fine before I can let her go. I don't like where she's heading because it's ruining her future and she's been through alot and deserves better.

 

You're doing a good job of being your own worst enemy.

 

To be plain:

 

She doesn't care about you.

 

She doesn't want to be with you.

 

She likes somebody else more than you.

 

It's over.

 

If you want to feel better, have no contact with her whatsoever, neither directly, through a third party, or by social media.

 

You're just hurting yourself.

[Kira Onime]

Well, I'm fine with the breakup now, I miss her from time to time but I've somehow forced my mind to never want to be with her again, and it works. Even tho I would love to have the satisfactio of refusing her when she comes back to me I think the mature thing to do is to apply the cold hearted NC. I will ignore her from now, which is pretty difficult because I hate "ignorance" overall, i hate being ignored and i hate to ignore, but desperate times need desperate measures.

I'll still have to contact her in a couple of months since i owe her some money...

[Satu]

Well, I'm fine with the breakup now, I miss her from time to time but I've somehow forced my mind to never want to be with her again, and it works. Even tho I would love to have the satisfactio of refusing her when she comes back to me I think the mature thing to do is to apply the cold hearted NC. I will ignore her from now, which is pretty difficult because I hate "ignorance" overall, i hate being ignored and i hate to ignore, but desperate times need desperate measures.

I'll still have to contact her in a couple of months since i owe her some money...

 

You can do that without opening up the wound again, if you avoid any upsetting conversation.

[noob_saibot]

Man.. Same thing happens to me.. Watch Tyler's Perry's temptation. Exactly my story except for the ending when the main actor gets aids. Instead I took my gf back n saved our relationship. Watch it. Its a good movie n it will explain things from a woman's point of view . where they get caught in a cloud of confusion from easy manipulation...

[SycamoreCircle]

Money owed? Send it through a third party. Sounds like you guys have mutual friends.

 

If you have contact with her, you will be on LS the next hour lamenting something.

[Diezel]

Well, I'm fine with the breakup now, I miss her from time to time but I've somehow forced my mind to never want to be with her again, and it works. Even tho I would love to have the satisfactio of refusing her when she comes back to me I think the mature thing to do is to apply the cold hearted NC. I will ignore her from now, which is pretty difficult because I hate "ignorance" overall, i hate being ignored and i hate to ignore, but desperate times need desperate measures.

I'll still have to contact her in a couple of months since i owe her some money...

 

This all sounds like rationalizing, to me... to be honest.

 

Look at how you refer to NC as... cold-hearted. It's not and if you think so, it's because you don't have YOUR best interests in mind right now. You are thinking about how it affects her, and not you.

 

You're still not ready to move on, no matter what you say. You're masquerading hope by replacing it with "eventual rejection".

[lauri]

Everything you've done has only turned off your ex girlfriend to the point of probably never wanting to get back with you. This is probably a blessing in disguise as she had another guy in her life before she left you and waited until he said he "likes her" until ending it with you. That shows she doesn't have one of the most important qualities (in my opinion) in a woman, integrity (loyalty).

 

Had you gone NC from the get go and avoided any conversation she would have "lost" and you would have "won". You have given her comfort while she tests things out with another guy and that alone is a turn off to her. You've played her game and she is still pulling the strings. How do you feel knowing that your decisions have made it 10x easier for her to move onto the next guy? She would've respected you more if you respected yourself more by walking away...just keep this as a lesson for any future breakups that may happen.

 

But that's not what its about now, now all you can do is move forward. You can walk away from this smarter, stronger and more desirable. You may be hurt, but that is no excuse for not dusting yourself off and working towards improving yourself. You're going to make excuses for things that are out of your control. How about you start taking ownership of things that are and build upon them? You're life would become a lot more productive.

[Kira Onime]

I have to admit the fact that she wanting me back intrigues me but I am also 100% sure I wouldn't take her back in my life, it would be a big mistake and only cause me suffering. I'm not capable of geting over the fact she wants to be with another man in such a short notice after our breakup. I would love to have the oportunity to refuse her, even tho I might regret it a bit.

I will have to get over her and I shall do it.

[Satu]

I have to admit the fact that she wanting me back intrigues me but I am also 100% sure I wouldn't take her back in my life, it would be a big mistake and only cause me suffering. I'm not capable of geting over the fact she wants to be with another man in such a short notice after our breakup. I would love to have the oportunity to refuse her, even tho I might regret it a bit.

I will have to get over her and I shall do it.

 

Self-talk is important, and everybody talks to themselves all the time, whether they realise it or not.

 

"I can and will get through this."

 

"I can let go."

 

"I will move on to something better."

 

"I will make a good life for myself."

 

"I work with my feelings in a positive way."

 

"Life gets better."

 

"I know and understand myself better every day."

 

"I am finding out what I really need and want."

 

"I am moving forward."

 

And so on, according to what you want to hear yourself saying to yourself.

[evanescentworld]

Well, I'm fine with the breakup now, I miss her from time to time but I've somehow forced my mind to never want to be with her again, and it works.

 

You haven't 'forced' anything. You've actually finally come to your senses. The 'force' bit was the resistance to common sense....!

 

Even tho I would love to have the satisfactio of refusing her when she comes back to me I think the mature thing to do is to apply the cold hearted NC.

 

NC isn't "cold-hearted". It's logical, life-saving, heart-mending healing progress.

SHE may think you're cold hearted, but of course she's the selfish one wanting all your attention, adulation and devotion without giving you a single iota, not an ounce, of anything, back.

 

I will ignore her from now, which is pretty difficult because I hate "ignorance" overall, i hate being ignored and i hate to ignore,

 

Bear in mind that your 'ignoring' her, is a million times better than the way she has been using you.

You're 'ignoring' her as a way of self-preservation, she keeps badgering and bothering you with breadcrumbs, because it suits her to have her little puppy rolling on his back, and waiting to be kicked...

 

but desperate times need desperate measures.

She's the desperate one. So you desperately need to avoid all and any contact whatsoever, without exception, period, from this second on.

 

I'll still have to contact her in a couple of months since i owe her some money...

Wrong.

Wrong, wrong, wrong.

When you are in a position to pay her back, simply make out a cheque (American: Check) to her, mail it to her, and add no note, no letter, no explanation, no communication, nothing.

If she contacts you in the meantime, about payment, ignore her. You intend to pay it back, so just pay it back when you can.

Simple, sorted, done.

 

No Contact necessary.

[Kira Onime]

Wow, i finally feel like i'm going on the right track.

 

Side note, I've been having a crush on a girl i met, and she likes me back (i've been out of the "game" for like 3-4 years, can't say for sure if she likes me), and my ex knows about it, somehow. She asked me if i had sex with her and if i'm going to The Hobbit with her (the movie me and my ex planed on going to for the past year), i gave her no answer!

She won't be hearing me from now on, but i did well for not giving her any details right?

[evanescentworld]

Wow, i finally feel like i'm going on the right track.

 

Side note, I've been having a crush on a girl i met, and she likes me back (i've been out of the "game" for like 3-4 years, can't say for sure if she likes me), and my ex knows about it, somehow. She asked me if i had sex with her and if i'm going to The Hobbit with her (the movie me and my ex planed on going to for the past year), i gave her no answer!

She won't be hearing me from now on, but i did well for not giving her any details right?

 

Perfect!

It's absolutely none of her business whatsoever, what you do!

YOU ARE A FREE AGENT!!

She's your ex! You are split up! Finished! Over! Done with!

 

There is nothing of you, no single, minuscule part of your life she has any entitlement to, whatsoever, at all!!

 

Block her number, delete her from your 'phone!

You can also download a text-blocker (I have one on my phone - it's FOC and very effective!)

That way, you'll never even receive any text from her at all!

 

Read what the NC Guide has to say about blocking numbers!

 

Good on you - keep it up!!

[Chi townD]

Hello, I'm back.

I did as you guys said, I didn't talk to her, but she's been contacting me quite often recently. She starts conversation with various reasons, random internet video's, movie trailers, songs etc. Once she told me about the tattoo she wants to have, the sign of Infinity, we wanted to make it together when we were a couple but now she's the only one who wants to make it. She wants that tattoo so it will remind her of me, but the weird part is that she's going to make that tattoo being in the company of her future boyfriend, he doesn't know the meaning of the tattoo and like she said, he will never find out. She recently asked me if I like the dress she wore at a party and she's interested in my love life. She still wants to be with this guy, like she said but I think she's holding me for like a backup...I told her me and her will never get back together, and that we shouldn't talk, but she keeps starting up conversations.

What's wrong with her?

 

 

 

Well, for the bold....I'm gonna be honest and you're not going to like it, but here it is. She's been sleeping with this guy. She's feeling guilty on top of cheating on you before. Think about it. She thought you were immature, then she goes on to tell you during the break up that this other guy is mature. She was seeing this other dude and comparing the two of you.

 

 

So, not she's REALLY interested in your love life! If she hears you've been dating and hooking up with other girls, she can ease her guilt about screwing this other dude.

 

 

Dude, you need to go complete and strict NC on her. If she feels guilty, then she can hold onto her guilt and learn from it. BLOCK HER ON YOUR FACEBOOK!

[Kira Onime]

Nah, she couldn't have cheated on me. She might've slept with the guy after we broke up but i have my doubts. I don't think she could've cheated on me, she isn't like that, and I will never consider this. I'm getting over it so I rather remember her as i loved her once, an image of her cheating on me would be a killing strike and I don't need it.

[Chi townD]

Nah, she couldn't have cheated on me. She might've slept with the guy after we broke up but i have my doubts. I don't think she could've cheated on me, she isn't like that, and I will never consider this. I'm getting over it so I rather remember her as i loved her once, an image of her cheating on me would be a killing strike and I don't need it.

 

 

Dude, you don't have to have sex with someone in order to cheat. She was emotionally invested in this other dude. So much so, that she ditched you to get with him.

 

 

Even now, she's determined to try and make a go with him when she had someone that actually is established and is a better bet.

[Kira Onime]

Dude, you don't have to have sex with someone in order to cheat. She was emotionally invested in this other dude. So much so, that she ditched you to get with him.

 

 

Even now, she's determined to try and make a go with him when she had someone that actually is established and is a better bet.

 

You're saying that thinking of being with another person is considered as cheating?

[Satu]

You've got to give a lot of thought to the Hobbit issue.

 

A lot of people come unstuck because of that.

[Halcyon]

You're saying that thinking of being with another person is considered as cheating?

 

Yes because what starts off as a little idea can grow into an uncontrollable snowball. People start fantasising what their relationship might be like, of course because it's a fantasy it's perfect compared to their current relationship. Of course people who get caught up in these kind of mind traps usually go on to be quite disappointed when their emotional cheating doesn't lead to a relationship or the new relationship isn't what they had dreamed of.

 

Emotional cheating is highly destructive because the person is expending emotional energy they should be using on their partner onto someone else. They are confiding in someone else rather than their partner. They are judging their partner on unrealistic metrics.

 

If you think cheating is only limited to physical sexual acts you have a lot to learn.

Edited December 15, 2014 by Halcyon

[Chi townD]

You're saying that thinking of being with another person is considered as cheating?

 

 

In a way, yes. It's normal to THINK about being with another person, even to fantasize about it privately, but when you act on it; then, that's crossing a line.

 

 

Think about it, She stated that this dude was more mature than you. She also stated that he was paying more attention to her than you did. How would she be able to tell you this, UNLESS she was spending time with him. She was cheating you out of time spent with her by being with this dude. She allowed the attention to happen. She probably craved it. And how do you continue to get that attention? You give the guy a reason to continue to do so. Whether it be with flirting, making out and even sex to continue to get what she wanted.

 

 

Make sense?

[Kira Onime]

Aww god damnit, i know nothing about relationships. Makes so much sense, this woman was never ment to be mine.

The truth is, i am in so much pain now and yet i feel so strong.

Thank you all for your time, i highly appreciate it, i will do my best to become a better man and i will follow your example and one day when i gain mlre knowledge i shall share it forward to help others get over breakups.

Thank you all!!

[Kira Onime]

You've got to give a lot of thought to the Hobbit issue.

 

A lot of people come unstuck because of that.

 

What do you mean?

[Kevin_D]

In a way, yes. It's normal to THINK about being with another person, even to fantasize about it privately, but when you act on it; then, that's crossing a line.

 

A few years ago, my opinion would have been that it's not cheating until you get physical. But after I was dumped last year, I tend to look at these things from another angle.

 

Let's say you're drunk and horny and kiss another person. Yes, it's cheating. But does it mean something? Probably not.

 

I don't think my ex kissed my replacement until after she dumped me. But does it really matter? No! They flirted with eachother on Facebook for a year. When I asked her about him, she lied and said that she thought we was an idiot - and unattractive as well. But yet she kept flirting with him, hid her relationship status, lied about going to his concerts and so on. And when she finally dumped me, it took maybe two days for her to sleep with him. After 6 years with her first love.

 

I remember that she told me "I've never cheated on you!" when she dumped me, which seemed to be a rather weird statement. It was almost like she was trying to convince herself that she had done nothing wrong. Sure, she had seen this guy behind my back, but as long as she didn't sleep with him as long as we were together, she would have done nothing wrong.