How will i survive love when its not in my nature to be mean?

[travelbug1996]

Don't stop being kind and loving as those are the traits that will lead you to a healthy relationship one day. But you do need to establish boundaries with people. Yours are very weak.

 

There's a book called Boundaries in Relationships, I think it will benefit you greatly. Oh and another called Safe People..

 

Best wishes

[MistaYates]

Don't stop being kind and loving as those are the traits that will lead you to a healthy relationship one day. But you do need to establish boundaries with people. Yours are very weak.

 

There's a book called Boundaries in Relationships, I think it will benefit you greatly. Oh and another called Safe People..

 

Best wishes

 

So the fact that she broke those boundaries and i still gave her chances are the issue.. Yes i know this. It sucks, that i allowed it to happen for so long. But i fell hard, and quick for her.. Regardless of what she did to me..

[preraph]

You can change, but it requires doing what's rational instead of doing what makes you feel good in the moment. It requires doing what's hard instead of going along with whatever she throws at you. It requires discipline and it requires a plan to distract yourself and stay busy and a plan to block her so you can heal. Never say you can't change. It's the same as saying "I don't want to change" or "I don't want to do the work to change."

[WomenWubber]

Your nature can be changed. It takes either constant and intensive meditation-introspection-practice or... a traumatic event. Obviously you're used to being taken advantage of, so that doesn't count as a traumatic event.

[MistaYates]

You can change, but it requires doing what's rational instead of doing what makes you feel good in the moment. It requires doing what's hard instead of going along with whatever she throws at you. It requires discipline and it requires a plan to distract yourself and stay busy and a plan to block her so you can heal. Never say you can't change. It's the same as saying "I don't want to change" or "I don't want to do the work to change."

 

All i want to be told is that she was in the wrong for doing what she did. She got away with it, and loved doing it with no guilt, or care for my feelings. Shes also 17. Very young... I'm 20. But i fell for her. I'm sorry, i can t help who i fall for. But i did.

 

I understand i need to set more strict boundaries for myself. I will next time. After all, this is my first REAL serious relationship. I guess i have learned my lesson. But that shouldnt explain why im just a general doormat in life.. I was just brainwashed by this girl. And blinded by love. She cheated, and lied, and probably could punch me in the face, knock me out, and id still love her.

 

I just want to know that i did all i could. But she wouldnt care. She wanted to play games. We dated for 8 months. She hurt me so much, and we got back with each other almost 9 times during those 8 months.. Thats like a break up a month. Sad, i know... She would cry for me back every single time. All i asked of her was to stop talking to her ex, and get over him. But he always called, and i know they were still playing around with each other.

 

Who knows what they did behind my back.

[MistaYates]

Your nature can be changed. It takes either constant and intensive meditation-introspection-practice or... a traumatic event. Obviously you're used to being taken advantage of, so that doesn't count as a traumatic event.

 

I just wish i had a private investigator to watch her, so i knew she was cheating sooner.

[MistaYates]

All i want to be told is that she was in the wrong for doing what she did. She got away with it, and loved doing it with no guilt, or care for my feelings. Shes also 17. Very young... I'm 20. But i fell for her. I'm sorry, i can t help who i fall for. But i did.

 

I understand i need to set more strict boundaries for myself. I will next time. After all, this is my first REAL serious relationship. I guess i have learned my lesson. But that shouldnt explain why im just a general doormat in life.. I was just brainwashed by this girl. And blinded by love. She cheated, and lied, and probably could punch me in the face, knock me out, and id still love her.

 

I just want to know that i did all i could. But she wouldnt care. She wanted to play games. We dated for 8 months. She hurt me so much, and we got back with each other almost 9 times during those 8 months.. Thats like a break up a month. Sad, i know... She would cry for me back every single time. All i asked of her was to stop talking to her ex, and get over him. But he always called, and i know they were still playing around with each other.

 

Who knows what they did behind my back.

 

I would still like someone to help me with this.

[Blade96]

Mista you won't survive if you don't grow a back bone.

 

I was abused as a child and teen - severe bullying and all that - and because of this I have a VERY low bulls**t tolerance.

 

I had to dump a friend I'd known for 14 years because I found out he could have joined NAMBLA.

 

I had another ex "friend" (wasn't really a friend, I just knew him for ten years from university) he attacked me over facebook, I said I didn't want any more contact with him cause this was the second time he'd treated me like dirt, and he said I am the crazy lunatic.

 

I dumped a cousin because she was my best friend all our lives. Until she was able to move out to the city then and didn't need me anymore and so I was dropped like a brick. Showed what she really thought of me.

 

Dumped another friend after he stood me up all the time. I'm a person and I was supposed to be your friend, not supposed to be an option.

 

I dumped my ex because he was abusive. I dumped another guy when I found out he was a pro lifer. (I don't want anyone whho wouldn't be supportive if nature worked and I wanted an abortion, because I don't want kids.

 

I actually have a pretty long block list on my fb. (I also have 407 good friends on my fb - I am the kind of person who will treat you like gold if you are actually a sweetheart - and my friends - online and real life - know this.)

 

I really don't care who thinks I'm a lunatic. You treat me bad you get dumped. End of.

 

The guy who said recently I am a crazy lunatic - he can spin it all he wants to. I know what happened.

 

Mista, sometimes you NEED to learn to be not nice - especially if some human is going to take advantage of your good nature and treat you like dirt. Even if they treat you like dirt and don't take advantage. They're still treating you like crap. Don't let them.

 

I'm not playing blame the victim here because this isn't your fault - after all the nicest person won't be treated like dirt unless there is an evil human in the room. You want someone to tell you it's her, not you - it IS her. as I said even the nicest person won't be victimized unless there's an evil person in the premises.

 

You should leave. But always remember - you are nice. And capable of true love - the kind of love that makes life worthwhile. Search for that love. Don't stay with energy vampires. If you can't find a mate right now, hang with friends who treasure you because of your good nature. It's not a mate, just friends, but good friends also boost your self esteem and help show you your worth.

 

You have to just dump the energy vampires and look for the good humans who will love you for you, and not treat you like dirt, and not take advantage of you.

 

I learned this. I had to. But if you weren't a survivor of bullying and other forms of severe abuse (and I hope it didn't happen to you) you're just going to have to learn these things.

Edited November 30, 2014 by Blade96

[MistaYates]

Mista you won't survive if you don't grow a back bone.

 

I was abused as a child and teen - severe bullying and all that - and because of this I have a VERY low bulls**t tolerance.

 

I had to dump a friend I'd known for 14 years because I found out he could have joined NAMBLA.

 

I had another ex "friend" (wasn't really a friend, I just knew him for ten years from university) he attacked me over facebook, I said I didn't want any more contact with him cause this was the second time he'd treated me like dirt, and he said I am the crazy lunatic.

 

I dumped a cousin because she was my best friend all our lives. Until she was able to move out to the city then and didn't need me anymore and so I was dropped like a brick. Showed what she really thought of me.

 

Dumped another friend after he stood me up all the time. I'm a person and I was supposed to be your friend, not supposed to be an option.

 

I dumped my ex because he was abusive. I dumped another guy when I found out he was a pro lifer. (I don't want anyone whho wouldn't be supportive if nature worked and I wanted an abortion, because I don't want kids.

 

I actually have a pretty long block list on my fb. (I also have 407 good friends on my fb - I am the kind of person who will treat you like gold if you are actually a sweetheart - and my friends - online and real life - know this.)

 

I really don't care who thinks I'm a lunatic. You treat me bad you get dumped. End of.

 

The guy who said recently I am a crazy lunatic - he can spin it all he wants to. I know what happened.

 

Mista, sometimes you NEED to learn to be not nice - especially if some human is going to take advantage of your good nature and treat you like dirt. Even if they treat you like dirt and don't take advantage. They're still treating you like crap. Don't let them.

 

I'm not playing blame the victim here because this isn't your fault - after all the nicest person won't be treated like dirt unless there is an evil human in the room. You want someone to tell you it's her, not you - it IS her. as I said even the nicest person won't be victimized unless there's an evil person in the premises.

 

You should leave. But always remember - you are nice. And capable of true love - the kind of love that makes life worthwhile. Search for that love. Don't stay with energy vampires. If you can't find a mate right now, hang with friends who treasure you because of your good nature. It's not a mate, just friends, but good friends also boost your self esteem and help show you your worth.

 

You have to just dump the energy vampires and look for the good humans who will love you for you, and not treat you like dirt, and not take advantage of you.

 

I learned this. I had to. But if you weren't a survivor of bullying and other forms of severe abuse (and I hope it didn't happen to you) you're just going to have to learn these things.

 

Thanks. The amount of times i have went back, and used over and over again, has made me a completely different person. I no longer have faith in loyalty, or a woman that is capable of it. I feel like they are all the same right now, and im all alone in this world.

 

Like nobody is like me, and im just stuck in a world that im not supposed to be in. Its sad that i can even still dream about a girl that has treated me so poorly. Or even miss her.. I hate it so much, and i wish i could stop. Im not suicidal, but i really wish that maybe if i just ended myself, that the pain would go away, rather than sitting through it. I just really want to know what was going through her head when she begged for me back so many times, and still thought it was ok to continue treating me poorly. She would wear my clothes i left around places, because she missed me. She would dream about me, and think about me. Or so she says.

 

But then she would treat me so horribly. WHY? Why miss someone so much and then treat them like sht? Why tell them that you dont want a relationship, but then cry for them back a couple weeks later? I just wish i knew what she was thinking...

Edited December 1, 2014 by MistaYates

[Blade96]

well it's your first love, and you never experienced anything like it before. So you still miss it. I think it's normal. your feelings. I have a friend who is still reluctant to completely let go of a girl who treated him like dirt and literally made him sick. Literally. I told him it's best that he go No Contact, but he can't yet. All I can do is be by my friend's side and be there if he ever needs to talk. My friend is like you - very sweet and people take advantage of him. He experiences the same feelings as you - when he gets victimized he feels like he can off himself or off someone else.

 

as for what's going through their heads...some people are just flaky and don't even care that they are hurting another person by not being straight with them about whether they do or don't want a relationship (or friendship or whatever)

 

I think you know what you need to do. But, just like my friend, you can only do it when you are ready.

 

Take care of yourself. Don't worry about what's in her head, I hope you just take care of you.

 

Best of luck!

[MistaYates]

well it's your first love, and you never experienced anything like it before. So you still miss it. I think it's normal. your feelings. I have a friend who is still reluctant to completely let go of a girl who treated him like dirt and literally made him sick. Literally. I told him it's best that he go No Contact, but he can't yet. All I can do is be by my friend's side and be there if he ever needs to talk. My friend is like you - very sweet and people take advantage of him. He experiences the same feelings as you - when he gets victimized he feels like he can off himself or off someone else.

 

as for what's going through their heads...some people are just flaky and don't even care that they are hurting another person by not being straight with them about whether they do or don't want a relationship (or friendship or whatever)

 

I think you know what you need to do. But, just like my friend, you can only do it when you are ready.

 

Take care of yourself. Don't worry about what's in her head, I hope you just take care of you.

 

Best of luck!

 

It will never make sense to me why she did the things she did. And i'll probably never know, since she lies so much. I just hope i have the courage to not go back ever again. She is poison to me, and only that. She would write about me in her notebooks about why she loved me so much, and why im so important to her. But then still treat me so bad. I JUST DONT GET IT.

[MistaYates]

I dont think i'll ever understand why she acted the way she did.