I wish I met my MM 10 years ago.. If only he was the man I married...

[Versailles]

I'm trying to isolate what I believe his character to be versus a completely different version.... Well of course I would tend to defend him but since he had actually persuaded me to stay instead of leave, does that change anything? Later on after we had acknowledged our love, I decided to retract my resignation at his request so that we could see more of each other. Later on, i also realized that when I had first submitted my resignation, he had heard of it and actually went to talk to my boss to ask me to stay. My boss had the intention to ask me to stay and he wasn't the only one who asked her to retain me so it was not weird for him to talk to her. Umm of course the other 1-2 requests she got was in a professional capacity. My beloved was the only one who had a personal interest. While its true he never tried to flirt (unless I count offering me a lift home once when we had a company dinner) and we always only worked together professionally, when I think back to all our meetings, I do realize that whenever we are in the same room, I almost always end up sitting beside him. When I told him later that it was all so coincidental, he told me it wasn't coincidence... He had always wanted just to be near me and always purposely chose to sit with me whenever the opportunity was available.

 

As for lunchtimes... These are really just lunch meetings when we can chat and hang out. We don't go to hotels except the one trip we had together overseas last year. Unfortunately... We always have to go to faraway places for lunch because nobody dines with the boss of another department every week or sometimes when we are lucky, we get to meet up to 3 times a week. Does his strict compartmentalization definitely mean "affair parameters"? Could it not mean that he is really so worried about letting love overtake his logic that he purposely limits our time together so that he won't feel tempted to leave his family? But yes, I do find it so hard that we meet so rarely and I wonder how he can stop himself from seeing me if he feels the same way I do... If I also had a child from my current marriage whom I adored, would I be able to compartmentalize him the same way he has set restrictions for himself in seeing me? I dont know unless I am in the same situation as him...?

 

You sounded surprised that he was suddenly interested in you 'on your leaving day'...

 

I'm not. He targeted you as an ideal affair partner.

 

1. He chose you on that specific day because a) if his pass had failed it could be laughed off and you were leaving, no harm done. b) if his pass succeeded (which it did) you would be leaving the company so he could avoid the risk of his job being imperil and the gossip starting. Remember an affair between co-workers can lead to dismissal, so he was very smart there.

 

He did not flirt with you, or take you to dinner while you were working there.

 

2. You're married. This makes you a far less risk to his marriage than a single woman who would start demanding he leave his wife etc... When the affair ends (which it will), he will be able to say I'm married, you're married we never agreed to leave our partners etc. Leave your husband and he will drop you like a stone.

 

On top of that (despite all the tears etc.) he has made it clear this affair is to be conducted only within strict affair parameters. Lunch time meets, no evenings, no meets when his family is in town. etc etc. No emotional bonding for this man. Lunchtimes means hotel sex, affair compartmentalised. No risk for him having to make up excuses for late nights in the office, working weekends which his wife may find out about.

 

He has told you he won't leave his family for you. There is nothing you can say to him when the affair ends that you can blame him for. He has told you exactly where you stand.

 

From his planning and behaviour, I'd say he has had an affair before. He has avoided as much risk as possible in both getting caught and getting sucked in to weekend meets and emotional commitments - no weekends away, shopping and holding hands and planning the future together with this fella.

 

When the affair ends. He will line up someone else and move on.

[Marshal]

hi versailles I'm a man of faith aswell it saddens me that you saved yourself for marriage and your husband treats you this way. Like many on this site I believe there is no excuse for cheating, and I'm sure you know the saying what God puts together let no man put asunder so I want to be very careful with my words. You said you had sex 15 times in ten years and you've been faithful until your MM which I'm guessing only started not to long ago. I've read many posts on this site about wives in affairs, but I can see your a good person, however your clearly not being very wise concerning both your husband and AP. You really need to make up your mind what's good for you. Make a strong decision concerning your marriage, take the steps to repair it again if you so choose, but you said you tried and it failed, but what I mean is try again if you don't want to give up on you marriage. Your MM isn't good for you either, I know people will look at your affair and wonder about your character but I think you'll make a good wife to a decent guy. Your husbands a fool for not cherishing you, but judging from your faith I'm almost certain your in turmoil with God aswell as your husband about your affair. You need someone that will love you, not seek to find time for you like your MM. Why not make the decision on your marriage and start working on yourself, it's never good being someones second choice, you deserve better then that. Life can fool you to believe things are more complicated then they actually are, it can also fool you to believe your weaker then you actually are. In life whether we're single or married we must always be working on ourselves, we love those close to us and work to be the best WE can be. Like I said you sound like a good person. Its time to get the BEST FOR YOURSELF, nobodies second choice. Sounds like you faced alot in your life, I hope there's a light at the end of the tunnel.

[Friskyone4u]

Unfortunately what you have done here is create a situation here that probably cannot turn out too well for you. You have stated that you see no chance he will leave his marriage because of son, and you have basically made your self totally dependent on his and shut off the possibility of meeting another man who is single that you can establish a happy future with , AFTER you divorce your husband. If you are that miserable why do you stay???

Eventually only three things can probably happen , the most likely bring you will waste your self away alone waiting for when he can spend time with you. His wife will probably eventually catch him and then because of his son he will throw you under the bus. That is the way it usually works out.

Do yourself a favor. Divorce your husband and make a life for yourself

[Minnie09]

I am usually skeptical when it comes to MM who sweet-talk a lot.

But yours doesn't even sweet-talk. He lays down the rules and you follow them.

Your last trip aka quality time happened LAST year? Are you serious?

You have nothing to hope for with this MM, nothing to even cling to, not even the thinnest straw. He makes zero effort whatsoever. It looks like he only meets you when it's super-convenient to HIM, and HIM only, without taking anything else into consideration, and you bend over backwards everytime he snips his fingers. That's not love, or lost love, or love that should've happened 10 years ago. That's got no substance. I don't know what you see in this R. IF you WERE on the same page with him, i.e. happy/content to meet up whenever you both have time, and if that's good enough for you (like it is for him, obviously), then I see no issues. You, however, interpret something into this A that's not even remotely there, other than a few nice words on his part, that aren't too many, either, TBH. If this is supposed to be an escape from your M, then let me tell you, it won't even work on THAT level. I am afraid, though, that you make it out to be something even bigger, more meaningful, more serious, which is definitely NOT there. That guy isnt't even your FRIEND.

 

Seriously, as I already said above, you're an unhappy soul and you seem very lost and not very grounded. Your M needs to go. First things first. Because your H isn't a good partner, either. Lying, cheating, disrespectful behavior ....... yuck. Take care of what you can take care of. What can YOU change to make your life more fulfilling? Don't obsess over MM, because the situation with him - you cannot change that. Your situation with your spouse - you CAN change. I am not saying you can change your H. But you can change the situation. Start there! And take your power back. It will make you feel more powerful, less whiny. Be proactive. It is YOUR life. You don't need just a man, any man ........ you need a GOOD PARTNER, if anything, and if that cannot be achieved ....... rely on yourself. Trust me. Been there done that.

[Versailles]

Yes, I begin to realize it doesn't make sense to have a child with my MM... Even with rose coloured glasses on. Doesn't stop me from wishing things could be otherwise but yes it would mostly be a bad idea which would ultimately result in a child being hurt... i cant even bear to hurt his son, so all the more I can't do that to our child.

 

Sometimes I think if him purposely setting so many limits for us was actually my own fault. At the beginning, he wanted to see me all the time and give me nice gifts (iPad for example) but I was the one who told him not to waste money on me and refused any gifts which I felt were too expensive (yup iPad was rejected). Perhaps he read that as a sign that I wouldn't leave my husband for him and he decided to protect himself from getting hurt by making sure he couldn't see me too often. I genuinely didn't need it and that was the only reason why I told him not to waste money on something I would rarely use. He also wanted to use his air miles to pay for our tickets last year on our trip but I told him I was worried H would ask why my air tickets were paid with miles and not money. At the time, I was just frightened about what would happen if H found out and relationship with MM then was only into its third month and I wasn't sure then if I would choose MM if he told me he would choose me over his family. Now, I don't expect MM to ever leave his family but if he did, I would say yes.

 

Maybe the above sounds like crazy or delusional talk but its at least relatively sane compared to the lowest point in my life when I recognized I was going over the edge. An example of what I knew was definitely going into insanity was when I started wondering how people managed to hit their head in movies and then lose their memory, and how in the world i could go about hitting my head to achieve the same effect. Yup definitely insane and no, I am never going into that territory again.

 

Marshal, thanks for your kind words and you are right, I am struggling between religion and my own actions now. Just wanted to say that yes, there is definitely a light at the very end of the tunnel. When it is time for me to leave this life naturally, I have a next life when worldly matters don't mean a thing. I am a completely lousy example but I believe if in future I look back and genuinely repent, I do have a wonderful next life ahead. Right now, I know I am not repentant... Umm and to the atheists who wonder how people like me can reconcile religion and A (or any other sin) at the same time... Well... Can't speak for anyone else but say for example, my real life dad could tell me not to do something but just because I disobey him doesn't mean I don't love him. He's still my dad no matter what, just that I chose not to follow his instructions.

[Versailles]

I don't know if I am just making excuses for my MM but he is really not the emotional or sweet talking type. He is used to making decisions and then having people follow whatever he decides. He also likes routine and dislikes interruptions to his life. He is not used to pursuing anyone in a relationship because in almost all his previous relationships, it was the other party pursuing him. When he got married 10 years ago, it was like a business decision too. He just decided that he was not getting any younger and it was time to get married, looked within his social circle and picked the woman who could be the best match for him, pursued her first and then grew to love her along the way.

 

He told me that in our case, it was love at first sight for him and the more he got to know me, the more he fell in love, but he had not thought of being anything more than a secret admirer until 2 years later when we had our first lunch alone together and we had a mutual connection. Deciding to be with me was the first illogical decision he made in his life in decades. Having this interruption to his lifestyle routine was difficult for him to adjust to so i guess he is just going back to routine while fitting me in wherever he can.

 

Of course, it was my fault for falling in love with him too and deciding to continue seeing him as long as he wanted to continue seeing me. I believe we truly love each other and i think it's a good thing that he never asks to meet in hotels because other than guilt, he is also genuinely interested in spending time with me as his soulmate and best friend, not because of sex.

 

I haven't heard from him for almost 2 weeks now as he is visiting his in laws (his MIL has contracted cancer) and I wonder if he will change his mind about us after this incident... Before the news happened, we had planned and set the dates for our second trip together. I was really looking forward to spending more than just an hour or two with him but it got cancelled for the obvious reason that he had to deal with a crisis within the family first.

 

I was upset enough that I went off on a trip on my own last week though I know the cancellation wasn't his fault. We kept in contact sporadically though it was mostly me texting him about the sights i was seeing.. but now that I think about it, I don't know if he viewed me going off on my own without him meant that I didn't need him and that I couldn't be bothered to be there for him when bad news hit.. But it was his MIL not his mum so.. I admit I wasn't feeling particularly upset.. If it was his mum, I would have been by his side 100%.

 

I really miss him and long to hear from him but I know I won't hear anything until he is back.... I understand it is a difficult time for his in laws and he probably has a lot to deal with but it hurts that he hasn't even sent a "how are you?". Even worse, I worry that the next thing I hear from him is good bye.. On the other hand, if I try to think from his perspective, I understand that he would feel really bad texting another woman when his wife is dealing with her mum's illness. He may not love her but there is no way he isn't feeling very sorry for her now and trying not to do anything which would hurt her. I'll just have to live with the silence some more until he comes back...

[the_artist_1970]

Just needing somewhere to pen my story else I'm going mad with no one to talk to... I have had a relationship with my MM for about 1.5 years now and we met at work. We started our relationship in the strangest way! I was about to quit my job and going through the usual round of farewell lunches when he asked to buy me lunch too. While it was a bit odd that the Director of another department wanted to buy me lunch, it wasn't completely weird since I had dealings with him and his team in work matters before.

 

During that lunch, we had so much fun talking about life and other things that we had to arrange a second farewell lunch and after that, even a farewell dinner. And that dinner was when everything officially started though I admit sparks were already flying at our first lunch together alone. In case everything seems to be moving too fast, let me state that I already knew him and his character well at work and I had always thought of him as one of the most capable bosses. It's just that I never realized he was such an amazing person when he was just being himself too!

 

At our first dinner, it felt like fate when we had fortune cookies and the fortune I got was something that he had wanted to tell me "someone has a crush on you". The look on his face was so cute when he saw the fortune and then admitted that he had been my secre admirer ever since the first day we were introduced some years ago. He told me that seeing me for the first time was deja vu to him and he felt like he had known me forever even though we had just met. For the cynical people... No... He could not have planned this because I decided on the dinner place and not him... Plus.. It was a Friday night so we were rather out of options as the popular restaurants were all fully booked so I could only choose randomly from the restaurants which did have seats available.

 

Before I go on with my story about us, I do need to mention that I am married too... I want to give some background about myself and also about him so that others will know neither of us had ever planned to start a relationship with anyone else even though we were both unhappy in our marriages.

 

Your boundaries are way too loose. I can see you "falling in love" with several other men if you are this "friendly" with the men you work with. Down the rabbit hole you will continue to go until you strengthen your boundaries at work.

[Versailles]

I've overstepped a boundary... I know that.. But loose boundaries? I don't think so, I've stayed faithful to H for 8 years though it was completely one sided and he obviously doesn't have the same respect that I had (i admit the past tense) for my marriage vows. Had I wanted to stray, there were plenty of opportunities during these 8 years. I believed I would've continued to remain faithful no matter how terrible things continued to be except that I realized I met my true soulmate. It's just unfortunate that he is married with a son... He told me before that I am the one who completes him too and he wishes things could be otherwise and he had never felt such strong feelings for anyone else before. He loves me and wishes he could bring me everywhere and do everything together with him, just that he can't...

 

Our positions are quite different in our marriages, I hate H for all the emotional abuse, betrayal etc. and i dont see him as H except in name. I doubt H ever felt true love for me, I was just a prize that he felt he ought to own. On hindsight, it's weird that when i asked, H always gave me slightly different versions of his story on how he first noticed me and decided to pursue me. Whereas MM on the other hand doesn't hate W though they cant even be friends or have conversations that don't involve their son. He's cold but always civil to her (they have separate beds) and he still feels responsibility and gratitude to her for giving him his son and for being a good mother and homemaker. So I understand why he cant leave her and why I cant ask him to.

 

I really really wish we had met earlier in our lives so that we could have met each other properly from the start. I still do wish I could have a child with MM though I know I can't because it would be too selfish. Yesterday, a mom carrying her baby was sitting beside me in the bus and the baby suddenly grabbed my hand and refused to let go. The baby girl just happily smiled at me throughout the whole journey. It's so sweet but I also wish incidents like this wouldn't happen to remind me I can't have my own children... I dont want anything to do with H and MM hasn't said anything but I understand he would say no too. It would be so wonderful to have a proper family together with MM if we had met first.. I can only dream of the life we might have had together..

[cif]

Are you actually reading poster's replies or just blogging?

[Marshal]

Versailles, I get that your very in love with your MM, so much so that you wish he were your husband, thus the title of your thread, I understand that, but the sad truth is that he's not. You've clearly given up on your marriage, I know you are no longer intimate and haven't been for a long time, do you still share your marital bed? just wondering.

 

You seem very certain that your MM will never leave his wife even though they sleep on separate beds. Marriages like yours and your MM are stuck, it's clear the marriage is failing but it seems it's just been accepted, this isn't good, nor healthy for everyone involved.

 

What baffles me Versailles is that your post states you've been severely rejected and ignored by your husband, the insult on your first anniversary is heartbreaking, and your post states you were trying to initiate intimacy because the last time were intimate was on the second week after your wedding, I can't get over this, this is really something else. But now your still waiting for your MM and sadly you've made peace with that. If there's anything I've learnt on "LS it's that if a wife ever decides to be unfaithful she's going to give everything she's got to her AP, it makes me wonder if these OM don't target married woman knowing they'll get the most out of them, I'm referring to the many sad and horrific infidelity stories on this site, some mustered the strength and left their AP confessed and awaited the outcome, reconciliation or divorce, some had to be caught or the affair would probably have never ended even though many of them are working toward reconciliation, wholehearted or not only time will tell, and the rest either the AP or themselves grew tired of the affair and it was ended either by one or a mutual agreement.

 

You seem to have invested everything you have emotionally into your MM. Your clearly smitten by him, and I've learnt that advice works best when an understanding is attempted to be established rather then just pointing out ones flaws. This other OW/OM phenomenon seems to be really powerful on mortal emotions and mental capacity for some reason.

 

You say you can't have a child, unless your talking about medically that's just not logical, you can be a mother you just have to make the right choices. Your making the same mistake twice, you invested alot into your H, he gave you clear signs that something was wrong, but you kept on and arrived at your current destination, the time lost in your life cannot be regained, now your investing the remainder of your days into a man that whether he truly loves you or not is never going to the man you need because his never going to leave his family.

 

In my previous post when I told you, you need to seek the best for yourself, I meant it as I said it. If you carry on this way you are going to reach a point in your life when you are going to be medically unable to conceive. I'm not discounting your affection for your MM, I'm merely stating the fact that you already know you and your MM can never be together, so what happens to you, do you lie in wait forever and continue to waste your days, you. need a solution.

[Versailles]

To answer cif, I'm doing both. I am reading and responding to replies but I'm also posting whatever happens to come to my mind.

 

I was reading some other posts and it suddenly struck me that MM might not view me or our relationship in the same way I view him and us. I realize this is a I told you so moment but this particular viewpoint really didnt occur to me before.. To clarify, i am devoted to him and this is the one and only A that will ever happen in my life. The only reason i am betraying eveything else to be with him is that i view him as my true love and husband in my heart. He is the most wonderful man in the whole world in my eyes.

 

The age difference to me is nothing (it's just 12 years) and if I were to worry about it, I am really sad thinking that even if we were together, he may grow old and die before me... But he may indeed worry about other competition though no one can compare to him. I never realized i might have worried him by telling him that I had strangers asking me for my number on the street (it's only 2 incidents in the 1.5 years we've been together), but I thought it would be reassuring to let him know these incidents and that I completely ignore them because the only man who has my heart is him. But maybe these scare him rather than reassure him.... I know at one point he was considering choosing me though I also know he dismissed the idea after that. I can totally see him coming up with a pros vs cons table and then deciding that the cons outweighed the pros, and to ignore his personal feelings in any decision. At some point, he also told me that I am naive and inexperienced, and he has lived longer and seen more of the world and that things rarely turn out the way we wish them to no matter how much we desire it.

 

Perhaps he also wonders if i could betray him some day if I can betray H.. Or whether i am only using him as a life buoy? But I've already told him that i had lost all affection for H long ago and he abused me so much emotionally that I really wished to die before. Back then, I might really have grabbed almost anyone as a life buoy but I decided not to. And would have continued not to until i realized MM is the other half I never knew was missing.

 

How do I reassure him that he is and will be the only one in my life that I love? And that I am with him only because I love him and I am not treating him as a life buoy?

[Els]

I don't get why you are using religion as the reason for not getting divorced, when you are doing something far worse day after day after day. Your religion prohibits divorce but somehow having an affair with a married man is acceptable? If you are going to 'sin' anyway, might as well at least take the high road, leave this miserable excuse of a husband, and start your life afresh.

[purplesorrow]

How do I reassure him that he is and will be the only one in my life that I love? And that I am with him only because I love him and I am not treating him as a life buoy?

 

It doesn't appear he wants this from you, he has his wife for this. You said yourself that he does not see your situation as you do. He considered picking you but did not. Your list of cons is too great for him to navigate. Perhaps your focus should be on becoming a whole person, not a half that can only be completed by someone else's husband. There is a better life out there for you if you want it.

[elaine567]

I know at one point he was considering choosing me though I also know he dismissed the idea after that. I can totally see him coming up with a pros vs cons table and then deciding that the cons outweighed the pros, and to ignore his personal feelings in any decision. At some point, he also told me that I am naive and inexperienced, and he has lived longer and seen more of the world and that things rarely turn out the way we wish them to no matter how much we desire it.

 

He rejected you as a naive and inexperienced, and therefore obviously not marriage material.

He may find you attractive, he may be addicted to the sex, but he doesn't love you, else he would be leaving his wife and living with you.

 

You are the perfect mistress as you are compliant - you are an emotional wreck due to your experiences with your H, so you are besotted with him, and have clung onto him, boosting his ego, and you will not be rocking any boats as you are also married.

 

So whilst you may have all those dreams of living happy ever after, my guess is that even if his wife kicked him out tomorrow, he has no long term plans of being with you - you are mistress material not wife material, you have to face that.

 

Do not waste your child bearing years hankering after a MM, if you truly want children.

Leave both men, as neither are father material and make a plan as to how you will achieve motherhood with a genuine man, not an abuser and not a liar.

[AlwaysGrowing]

If someone makes a pro con list then makes their choice, they are not dismissing their feelings, they are acknowledging their feelings. Your MM feelings are that he does not view the affair and yourself as adding to his life long term.

 

I have my own views regarding people that cherry pick which part of their faith they choose to follow. Some would view it as not having a belief, just a shell game of having morals that one lives by.

[FusionCutter]

Versailles. You fell in love with the right person at the wrong time.

 

You are in two very emotionally complicated situations.

 

What do you do when you find the right person, but cannot love that person the way he or she deserves to be loved? If we aren’t willing to make the tradeoffs then there is really only one thing you can do… you have to let that person go.

 

Letting a person you love go is the most difficult decision you can make in your life. The worst part is that the longer you are apart, the more you come to realize how difficult it is – the more you realize how much you actually love that person.

 

You should let your MM go right away, and then focus on yourself and your marriage and what's going on. From what you describe, you aren't in a healthy marriage at all. You can either fix it or leave it. But if what you say is true, it's incredibly toxic and damaging to you.

[anika99]

OP, I just don't understand what you are doing. If you want a child and you are still in your childbearing years then why the hell are you wasting your time in a marriage that you have no respect for and in an affair that will never be more than it is right now? You are going to get old and have nothing left but a crappy marriage. Why don't you get a divorce, end the affair, and go after a man who can love you and make a baby with you.

 

 

Is this cheating MM really worth giving up your dream of ever being a mom? Do you really worship men to such a degree that you put them before your self and your God? I think you need to get over the whole divorce is wrong thing and start living your life authentically. Many religions that frown on divorce will grant one when infidelity and adultery has taken place so you're covered. Just tell your religious leader that you have been cheating on your husband, don't plan to stop cheating on him and they will probably be happy to give you a divorce.

 

 

I for one don't understand people who say they believe in a certain religion but then get hung up on the politics of said religion and start caring more about appearances and what people of that religion will think. Isn't God at the head of most religions? Don't people choose their religion based on desiring a spiritual experience and relationship with a higher power? Why care what your religion says about divorce when you can't hide from God. Even if the higher ups in your religion are not aware of your cheating behavior you are not honoring God and I'm pretty sure he doesn't like being used as a scape goat for why you can't be honest and do the right thing.

 

 

If there is a God I'm certain that he does not want you to be unhappy, he does not want you to live a life of misery and sadness. He does not want you to give up motherhood so that you can be on call for an abusive husband and a lying cheating MM so please do not try to spin this to say "well the MM makes me happy and if God wants me to be happy then my affair must be okay" Because you will not end up happy in the long run if you continue with this affair. If you want a happy marriage and a baby then you have to make real changes in your life, not just sneak around with a married man. Be a mature grown up woman, take ownership of your life and start making some responsible decisions instead of acting like love struck child.

[Versailles]

First, I'm sorry and I know I am betraying my religion... I admit I am doing the wrong thing by putting MM before anything else... It feels horrible but I can't help it right now. However to the atheists, never think badly of religion just because people make mistakes.. Everyone makes mistakes and religion is not there to ensure someone is perfect. It sets rules to help to prevent mistakes but it's also there to save people who have made mistakes and are repentant about it. But having said this, I must confess I am not repentant now so yes, I deserve punishment.

 

I have tried to think about the possibility of having someone else in my life I could have a family with, but I can't... I only love MM and I only want a child with someone I love. And before anyone mentions H, there are too many reasons why I can't and won't.. I shall not repeat previous posts about him.. And how about someone else other than H or MM? No... I've never loved anyone this much other than MM and don't expect to in this lifetime.

 

I know it serves me right if MM decides to quit everything but I do love him so much.. I just want to be his partner in life until the day it's time for us to leave this world. I don't like being a secret part of his world but it looks like I have to stay there if I want to continue being in his life.

 

At some point in the future and possibly the near future, I begin to understand i will have my heart broken again when MM tells me he loves me and i will always be in his heart but he can't see me again because of his responsibility to put his family first. I would prefer that he tells me he will put his family first but will never stop seeing me either. However I can't argue with him doing what deep down I know is the right thing... Better that I am the only one completely broken rather than his innocent son or his wife. It's perverse but I envy that she has a husband who feels such great commitment to his family that he will prioritize responsibility above love. Not that I would get a chance to tell her but she should cherish him. There is no one else like him and there are so many amazing things about him to appreciate and love despite his faults. She is so lucky to have met him first!

 

I know he is a good man and he shouldn't have to betray his conscience for love. I shouldn't have to betray anything for love either, but it's too bad that we met too late in life...

 

Marshal, I guess the above answers most things you and others mentioned. I know I probably can't carry on the current direction but I don't have any other direction. I love MM and he is my compass, I would go in any direction together with him if he would let me tag along. Oh and right, regarding the question whether H and I still share the same bed, yes but we have no physical contact.

[FusionCutter]

 

At some point in the future and possibly the near future, I begin to understand i will have my heart broken again when MM tells me he loves me and i will always be in his heart but he can't see me again because of his responsibility to put his family first. I would prefer that he tells me he will put his family first but will never stop seeing me either. However I can't argue with him doing what deep down I know is the right thing... Better that I am the only one completely broken rather than his innocent son or his wife. It's perverse but I envy that she has a husband who feels such great commitment to his family that he will prioritize responsibility above love. Not that I would get a chance to tell her but she should cherish him. There is no one else like him and there are so many amazing things about him to appreciate and love despite his faults. She is so lucky to have met him first!

 

I know he is a good man and he shouldn't have to betray his conscience for love. I shouldn't have to betray anything for love either, but it's too bad that we met too late in life...

 

Marshal, I guess the above answers most things you and others mentioned. I know I probably can't carry on the current direction but I don't have any other direction. I love MM and he is my compass, I would go in any direction together with him if he would let me tag along. Oh and right, regarding the question whether H and I still share the same bed, yes but we have no physical contact.

 

Versailles. In time you will see that she is actually very unlucky. Another thing is, good men don't do this to their families. You need to stop worshipping this man and behave like an adult.

[SoleMate]

Versailles, did you read my specific advice about the counseling I believe you need? Have you considered that? Will you be making an appointment to be evaluated for depression and receive psychological counseling?

 

Please keep in mind you started this thread because you had serious concerns about the path your life and r/s were on. Do you want to stay on this path of rotten marriage, miserable affair?

[anika99]

First, I'm sorry and I know I am betraying my religion... I admit I am doing the wrong thing by putting MM before anything else... It feels horrible but I can't help it right now. However to the atheists, never think badly of religion just because people make mistakes.. Everyone makes mistakes and religion is not there to ensure someone is perfect. It sets rules to help to prevent mistakes but it's also there to save people who have made mistakes and are repentant about it. But having said this, I must confess I am not repentant now so yes, I deserve punishment.

 

 

God isn't going to punish you. He will just let you suffer the natural consequences of your poor decisions.

 

I have tried to think about the possibility of having someone else in my life I could have a family with, but I can't... I only love MM and I only want a child with someone I love. And before anyone mentions H, there are too many reasons why I can't and won't.. I shall not repeat previous posts about him.. And how about someone else other than H or MM? No... I've never loved anyone this much other than MM and don't expect to in this lifetime.

 

 

You are thinking like a child, not a rational adult. Of course you only love the MM, he is the one in your head and heart right now. If you were to start legitimately dating single men eventually you would find yourself madly in love with another.

 

I know it serves me right if MM decides to quit everything but I do love him so much.. I just want to be his partner in life until the day it's time for us to leave this world. I don't like being a secret part of his world but it looks like I have to stay there if I want to continue being in his life.

 

At some point in the future and possibly the near future, I begin to understand i will have my heart broken again when MM tells me he loves me and i will always be in his heart but he can't see me again because of his responsibility to put his family first. I would prefer that he tells me he will put his family first but will never stop seeing me either. However I can't argue with him doing what deep down I know is the right thing... Better that I am the only one completely broken rather than his innocent son or his wife. It's perverse but I envy that she has a husband who feels such great commitment to his family that he will prioritize responsibility above love. Not that I would get a chance to tell her but she should cherish him. There is no one else like him and there are so many amazing things about him to appreciate and love despite his faults. She is so lucky to have met him first!

 

Oh, it's all so tragic. I can picture you just completely collapsing under the weight of this great injustice. Where are the smelling salts?

 

And his wife should cherish her cheating lying husband...Too funny!

 

 

I know he is a good man and he shouldn't have to betray his conscience for love. I shouldn't have to betray anything for love either, but it's too bad that we met too late in life...

 

Nobody has to betray anyone or anything. Nobody is buying that crap and just because you keep saying it doesn't make it true. It's your choice and his choice to live a life of poor integrity and lies.

 

Marshal, I guess the above answers most things you and others mentioned. I know I probably can't carry on the current direction but I don't have any other direction. I love MM and he is my compass, I would go in any direction together with him if he would let me tag along. Oh and right, regarding the question whether H and I still share the same bed, yes but we have no physical contact.

 

 

 

Okay, well sounds like you have made up your mind to remain a character in your harlequin romance novel, so don't know that there is much else to be said. You want to remain in your little fantasy world and do nothing towards actually fixing your life and that is your choice. You will wind up older and more miserable but I guess that's what you want. Good luck.

[Versailles]

Overall, I get that I really should move on and stop seeing MM and go do something else with my life. Staying married to H for no reason other than fear of changing the status quo and dealing with all the drama from family and friends and after all that, I may not be any happier.. Is not a good option either. (I admit its not just religion, there are other fears I have too so yes i am a coward and no, I am not going to use religion as the excuse).

 

I should move on but I can't, I love MM very much and want to remain in his life for as long as he will allow me to be in it... I guess the catalyst will be when he decides to quit first and I'll be forced to deal with it... I'm certain I will need counseling and probably medication then...

 

Meanwhile, I also know I'm not thinking straight.. I'm just missing him too much as I've never had dead silence from him for so long, ever since he went to visit his in laws and MIL is sick... I need so badly to see him and know whether our relationship is still on or off! Has he finally chosen responsibility over love or will he still want us to be together?

 

I'll try to patiently wait for his return.. He should be back soon by the end of this week or earlier....

[Be_Strong]

I thought that you and MM set out the ground rules right from the start that you would each leave the other if it was in their best interest. If you truly loved MM you would leave him alone and never speak to him again. You being in his life is not the best for him or his son. You are tormenting his soul, causing him strife and assisting him in committing adultery, which I'm sure goes against his personal values. You are a sickness to him and his marriage.

 

But you can't leave him. Because you are selfish and a coward. The exact opposite of true love. The affair love you are experiencing is completely and totally self-centered. He's nothing but a drug you crave. It's not hard to see that you were starving for affection and love for so many years that you were a sitting duck for these feelings. He's not your soul mate. Countless other guys could have crossed your path and shown you some attention and you would have fallen just as hard for them.

 

You wrote extensively about how horrible your husband and marriage have been, presumably to justify your affair. But all you showed was your own character defects for staying in a marriage like that for so long. And an affair isn't a "mistake". We know that people aren't perfect and slip up, but that's not the same as a person intentionally choosing to repeatedly engage in bad conduct. A hit man doesn't justify his conduct to a priest by saying everyone makes mistakes. If you wake up every morning and decide to commit murder, you are a murderer, not a good person that made a mistake. You wake up every morning and choose to be a cheater. Your only god in this world is MM.

 

I wish women could realize that for men, there are two types of women. The kind of women that guys would only date and have sex with, and the kind of women who are marriage material. You are not marriage material. The number one quality that men want from a girl he is interested in marrying is loyalty. You've proven to MM that you can never be fully trusted because you couldn't keep the most solemn vow that a woman makes in her lifetime. A man also wants a woman with a clean reputation to marry. A man's image in his community is very important. A woman with the stain of adultery is not marriage material. Of course, a man never expresses these thoughts to a girl who isn't marriage material. He will lead her on forever with promises, but simply never pulls the trigger with her. The second you crossed the line with MM, you sealed your fate that you could never be with him.

[jellybean89]

Overall, I get that I really should move on and stop seeing MM and go do something else with my life. Staying married to H for no reason other than fear of changing the status quo and dealing with all the drama from family and friends and after all that, I may not be any happier.. Is not a good option either. (I admit its not just religion, there are other fears I have too so yes i am a coward and no, I am not going to use religion as the excuse).

 

I should move on but I can't, I love MM very much and want to remain in his life for as long as he will allow me to be in it... I guess the catalyst will be when he decides to quit first and I'll be forced to deal with it... I'm certain I will need counseling and probably medication then...

 

Meanwhile, I also know I'm not thinking straight.. I'm just missing him too much as I've never had dead silence from him for so long, ever since he went to visit his in laws and MIL is sick... I need so badly to see him and know whether our relationship is still on or off! Has he finally chosen responsibility over love or will he still want us to be together?

 

I'll try to patiently wait for his return.. He should be back soon by the end of this week or earlier....

 

You CAN move on, you just don't want to. Make sure you have that right. You are CHOOSING to not move on with your life - in your allegedly bad marriage and in your affair. You are like a puppy wanting to follow his master...it is really pitiful reading how you will do anything to remain in the MM's life. I feel sorry for you...so needy and desperate in your words/actions.

 

MM could communicate with you while gone; he has just chosen not to. He isn't chained to anyone. He probably goes potty alone and maybe showers alone...and there are probably hours during the day he is alone...but he hasn't reached out to you. For someone who you believe loves you, do you not wonder why he hasn't reached out to you? Does it bother you to know he is choosing to not contact you? It should bother you. Good luck with your life....trailing behind MM waiting for any crumbs he will throw you.

[DKT3]

You CAN move on, you just don't want to. Make sure you have that right. You are CHOOSING to not move on with your life - in your allegedly bad marriage and in your affair. You are like a puppy wanting to follow his master...it is really pitiful reading how you will do anything to remain in the MM's life. I feel sorry for you...so needy and desperate in your words/actions.

 

MM could communicate with you while gone; he has just chosen not to. He isn't chained to anyone. He probably goes potty alone and maybe showers alone...and there are probably hours during the day he is alone...but he hasn't reached out to you. For someone who you believe loves you, do you not wonder why he hasn't reached out to you? Does it bother you to know he is choosing to not contact you? It should bother you. Good luck with your life....trailing behind MM waiting for any crumbs he will throw you.

 

Yeah I have a really hard time buying that her marriage and husband is as bad as she is saying. This is common with unfaithful spouses to make the betrayed spouse out to be the devil for their own guilt and to not come off as the "bad guy".

 

I'm simply not buying, I wonder what her husbands story would be.