That rebound guy feeling

[Waz]

How are you, Invictus? Any update?

[Invictus01]

Soooooo, it has been 5 months... Frankly, when I read my first post, the hair on the back of my neck stands up just thinking of the mental condition I was in immediately after the breakup and what I was gonna go through. I knew this was gonna be something rough right after it happened because it felt so different. To be honest, I completely underestimated just how painful this was gonna be. I think it was easily the most painful emotional experience I've ever had in my life.

 

A couple of months ago I went to a psychotherapist because I just couldn't deal with it anymore. I told her that I don't know how to explain it but the only way I can describe it is it feels like the love of my life died in a car wreck or something. She told me it is a fair comparison. She also told me that I am working on an emotional trauma and some times it just takes a pretty long time to sort things out inside. So, I am taking my time.

 

It has been almost 5 months and I am nowhere near being over it. I still think about her all the time. Not that I am holding onto the idea of being with her... but for some reason I just can't stop thinking about her. I let go, but the heart is a complicated mechanism with weird kinks that need to be worked out. Don't get me wrong, I am light years ahead of where I was 3-4 months ago but far from perfect. I'm also still have sleeping issues. It's like something shifted in my brain and 4-6 hours of sleep is all I get from my body until I just crash one day. Then the cycle repeats itself.

 

I lost somewhere around 10-15 lbs in the first 6 weeks after the break up. I could afford to lose them but this surely isn't the best way to do it. However, I took this as a gift, combined it with my inability to sleep and you can find me at the gym at 5 am before work most days... and then again after work for a couple of hours. I would say I am probably in the best shape of my life right now and I used to play college tennis back 20 years ago. I am up in the 10-12 mile range for my long run days and I keep on improving my lifting personal records and contemplating doing something I always wanted to do - running a marathon. I went back to see my friends (in the town where this story begun) and all I was hearing was how great I looked and how I looked like I lost a a third of me (although the scale still only shows 15 lbs). Some friends were wondering if I just went through a major sickness... well, kinda sorta, I suppose.

 

I don't know if it is me getting into a better shape or what, but interacting with women has been interesting lately. Don't get me wrong, I wasn't deprived of female attention before but the last month or two it has been comical and sometimes borderline uncomfortable... like the flight attendant feeling up my upper back while I was standing waiting to get to my seat and making comments... or a waitress bringing my check with her number written without me asking for it... or a woman who I just met on the plane telling me that I should consider a movie career because I got "movie star looks". I laugh off just about all of this stuff because I'm not even close to even start dating. I tried to go out but I just feel guilty because I am not 100% there.

 

I haven't posted here in a while because I needed a break. I broke NC a couple of months ago and we exchanged two texts - one from me, one from her. I don't regret it. I didn't beg, I didn't sulk. I just told her that I loved her and I couldn't do "the friend" thing she insisted on to myself. She replied that she still wanted to remain friends but totally understood if it was all or nothing for me. I never replied.

 

And last but not least... Last Wednesday during a late evening business meeting I received a text from a phone number that is not in my phone. There is a reason why that number isn't in my phone. It doesn't need to be there. It was her. She was asking me for suggestions on where to look for an apartment in the city she is moving to for work. I used to live there so that's probably what triggered that text. Up until then, I received so much silence from her, you'd think I was dead to her. Anyway, we exchanged a few texts, I kept it short and cold for the most part. She pushed to meet up and catch up again. I again, refused to do that. Whether intentionally or not, she is capable of emotionally destroying me (just like she damn near did 5 months ago) and that scares me...

[Invictus01]

Last night, after much thought and trying to figure out if it would be a good thing to do, I met up with the woman who 7 months prior just scorched the life out of me. She has been pushing to meet up for the past 2.5 months since she moved closer to me, I have been postponing/delaying/not committing. This weekend I was gonna be in her city because of a trip I planned before she even moved. Soooooo...

 

I met her for a dinner last night. The first 15-20 minutes were really freaking weird and awkward. Not sure if it was just me or both of us felt that. But after a while, it felt like we were never apart. That was always the thing with us - no weird awkward silent pauses when we were together, always had something to talk about. So, we had a dinner, a couple of my friends joined us, we had a conversation going the whole night long. Then she had to leave because she had to be at work pretty early today. I told her I was gonna walk her to the car.

 

So, I walked her to the car and figure we'd just give each other a very awkward hug and be done with it. What actually happened just completely caught me off guard. She hugged me and wouldn't let me go. She was squeezing me harder and harder and then she whispered in my ear - "I am really sorry. I didn't mean to lead you on, I really didn't. I know it sounds crazy to say this right now, but I really cherish the friendship we have." And that is when I lost all my toughness and cool and just broke down crying on her shoulder. We were standing there in each other's arms in the middle of the parking lot with people walking by, me with my face in her shoulder, her trying to console me, rubbing the back of my head. She wouldn't let me go until I let her go. For the first time in 8 months I felt like she is actually human... she knew all along how much she hurt me but never once I heard her say "I am sorry" until last night. I seriously started to feel like she was unable to say those words, like I was just a piece of garbage she tossed into the trash can one day to be thrown away with empty beer cans from the weekend.

 

Sooooooooooooo, what happens next... Who knows. I am sticking to my guns and if she wants to fix us, she will have to do a whole lot of leg work. I mean, A LOT. The dinner last night and what happened at the end doesn't even begin to register on the scale. I will NOT be her buddy, I already told her that, no matter how many times she keeps on bringing that up. Beyond that, her spectacular exit 7 months ago blew up a whole lot of bridges between her and a lot of my friends. I have no idea how I'd be able to fix that or even if it is fixable. In fact, I'd probably get my a$$ whooped if they knew that I even met her last night. She is the only woman in the world (or the only anything for that matter) who has ever been able to bend my mind into producing suicide thoughts. That frankly scares the crap out of me. I am not sure if I literally can live through another a couple of months like I had back in November-December. There are a whole lot of things to think about but everything hinges on the first thing I said - unless I see way more out of her, everything else doesn't even come into play.

[Bradt]

Hahaha.dammit....I just started my rebound.Im 33 and she early 20's.I think no older than 20...anyway she is going throug a BU.And so am I.Just got out of a 7year relationship about 8weeks ago.I been so depressed and sometimes suicidal.But this weekend(Friday,Saturday and Sunday). I spent with this girl was sooooo amazing and she is so beautiful and chilled.My ex were a tantrum and drama person.That told me I will never find another gf ever again.And she will have to help me to get a gf,broke my confidence 100%.This new girl make me feel so awesome.Maybe we each others rebound.Reading this put a scare in me.Dont want to think we will end it.If it happens then oh well.Im willing to take this happy ride till it ends.Man shes gorgeous and my ex will be so pissed because I got this girl WITHOUT her help.

[Invictus01]

Hahaha.dammit....I just started my rebound.Im 33 and she early 20's.I think no older than 20...anyway she is going throug a BU.And so am I.Just got out of a 7year relationship about 8weeks ago.I been so depressed and sometimes suicidal.But this weekend(Friday,Saturday and Sunday). I spent with this girl was sooooo amazing and she is so beautiful and chilled.My ex were a tantrum and drama person.That told me I will never find another gf ever again.And she will have to help me to get a gf,broke my confidence 100%.This new girl make me feel so awesome.Maybe we each others rebound.Reading this put a scare in me.Dont want to think we will end it.If it happens then oh well.Im willing to take this happy ride till it ends.Man shes gorgeous and my ex will be so pissed because I got this girl WITHOUT her help.

 

Yeah, man, be careful. My story wasn't supposed to go this way either. It was an out of town trip weekend adventure that went just all sorts of wrong. Well, right for the first 6 months and then...