That rebound guy feeling

[Ieris]

Good man! Don't respond to her breadcrumbs!

 

I read through your whole post and was wondering if it was the first time you sent her flowers on your 6 month anniversary? If so, maybe it made her realize how much more you were invested in it than she was. It is not uncommon for people to pull away when they feel the other person wants something more.

 

To be frank, if she started with you on a clean slate things would have played out differently. She just got out of a relationship so I think you just met her at the wrong time. You made a lot of effort with her and she threw it back in your face and dented your ego. I guess she made you feel like the rebound guy/stepping stone and I think that is the hard part to swallow.

 

I can relate to your story because I also fell for an illusion but once that smoke cleared up, I didn't want what was there. But you have to give it to them for putting on quite a show for you! Yes you fell for it and it didn't play out how you wanted it to but don't dwell on it and simply learn from your mistakes.

 

If it felt like magic with the wrong person, imagine what it would be like with the right person? You know what you have to offer so don't go wasting another second of your time on someone who isn't even worth it. You made a bad investment, cut your losses and turn the page. Stop focusing on that "fake" when you can go out there and get something "real" x

[Jet Lag]

 

If it felt like magic with the wrong person, imagine what it would be like with the right person? x

 

That is something worth thinking about. Thanks.

 

Do you now have magic?

[Ieris]

That is something worth thinking about. Thanks.

 

Do you now have magic?

 

Briefly but then I let him go... it was the right thing to do...

[Invictus01]

Good man! Don't respond to her breadcrumbs!

 

I read through your whole post and was wondering if it was the first time you sent her flowers on your 6 month anniversary? If so, maybe it made her realize how much more you were invested in it than she was. It is not uncommon for people to pull away when they feel the other person wants something more.

 

To be frank, if she started with you on a clean slate things would have played out differently. She just got out of a relationship so I think you just met her at the wrong time. You made a lot of effort with her and she threw it back in your face and dented your ego. I guess she made you feel like the rebound guy/stepping stone and I think that is the hard part to swallow.

 

I can relate to your story because I also fell for an illusion but once that smoke cleared up, I didn't want what was there. But you have to give it to them for putting on quite a show for you! Yes you fell for it and it didn't play out how you wanted it to but don't dwell on it and simply learn from your mistakes.

 

If it felt like magic with the wrong person, imagine what it would be like with the right person? You know what you have to offer so don't go wasting another second of your time on someone who isn't even worth it. You made a bad investment, cut your losses and turn the page. Stop focusing on that "fake" when you can go out there and get something "real" x

 

Nope, wasn't the first time she got flowers. She got flowers from me for her birthday too, 3 months prior to that. She told me her co-workers were taking bets on who sent them - me or her family. There is absolutely no chance she didn't know how I felt. There is also absolutely no chance I misread what I saw from her. It wasn't some just friendly banter I mistook for something more.

 

What happened to me was this - 1 out of 20 have destructive, sociopathic tendencies.... This is written by a professional psychiatrist with 30 years of experience in dealing with this kind of stuff. It also pretty much word for word describes what I went through from the beginning to the end AND the condition I ended up in right after it. As if the guy talked to me and then wrote down everything I told him. A couple of weeks ago, one of my friends who is an army doctor told me that I am showing signs of post traumatic stress disorder, just like this article says people could. Earlier this week, my boss' wife contacted me and told me that my boss is worried about me (I am close to them, they treat me like their son) 'cause some days I am just completely out of it and maybe I should go talk to a shrink. Does this sound like a normal thing to happen after a 6 month relationship breakup?

 

The worst thing in the aftermath of this is that in addition to the shrink quality condition of my brain right now, sleepless nights, weekly breakdowns when I am literally on the floor crying like a baby is that people don't understand what is going on with me (to be honest, neither did I till I read up a ton of stuff on dating a sociopath). It feels like I am talking Chinese to my friends. Even my best friend, the guy who witnessed my every breakup before, with who I was able to sit down and talk through things and he go it... Even he thinks it is impossible. I tell people how I feel and why what just happened to me is so much different than a normal relationship, and people tell me back that, no, you don't feel like you feel, that's BS, that's how you SHOULD feel. That's awesome but there is a big difference between SHOULD and how I actually feel. The only people who get me? A couple of friends who went through dating a sociopath and know what it feels like in the end. They know EXACTLY how I feel for some reason. Weird, huh?

Edited December 27, 2014 by Invictus01

[welshbambi]

I want to give you a thank you and massive hug for the links you have provided on NS.

 

Honest to god, every single trait, all the behaviours, even the phrases commonly used during "love bombing" (what a term) describe the guy I have been crying over for the last month, and our relationship.

 

It has given me a new clarity - I NOW finally have my answer as to whether he is missing me (no) whether he really loved me (no) and whether any of it was real (no). It also explains how he could literally just vanish overnight and start chasing women - I no longer gave him the boost he had sought me for initially.

 

I have done some more independent reading and everything is just clicking in to place.

 

Hope it has done for you too. Would love to know how you;re getting on dude.

[Invictus01]

I want to give you a thank you and massive hug for the links you have provided on NS.

 

Honest to god, every single trait, all the behaviours, even the phrases commonly used during "love bombing" (what a term) describe the guy I have been crying over for the last month, and our relationship.

 

It has given me a new clarity - I NOW finally have my answer as to whether he is missing me (no) whether he really loved me (no) and whether any of it was real (no). It also explains how he could literally just vanish overnight and start chasing women - I no longer gave him the boost he had sought me for initially.

 

I have done some more independent reading and everything is just clicking in to place.

 

Hope it has done for you too. Would love to know how you;re getting on dude.

 

I am really sorry you know what that experience looks like in the beginning (because nothing compares to it) and what it feels like in the end (because nothing compares to THAT either). But I am glad that you educated yourself on this because until you figure out, the mental state you are in is simply horrific. It's like somebody yanked the Earth from underneath you and you are floating in some alternate universe. The closest I can describe it is your soul mate, the one, the person you saw the future with, suddenly died. I seriously don't know what would have happened if my friend didn't point me in the right direction. I, myself, have been spreading the word everywhere. For the most part people think I am nuts and it is ok. There is a ton of stuff to read about it out there (and I have been reading that ton) and I always said that if I could help just one person to understand this, I'm ok with it. Hopefully, that person is you. But it is a fantastic feeling to find somebody who gets you in all this craziness, isn't it?

 

As far as me... Once I knew what I was dealing with, things got much better. I mean, I am still all over the place psychologically and have these random mental break downs I hate but it takes time to work out this kind of the crazy mind f@ck you have been put through. I also knew that I was done with her for good. I wasn't coming back for more of this because there will be more of this if you go back. Once you understand that a person who is capable of hurting you to this degree and just disappear out of your life without a closure or an explanation... That person NEVER gave a flying f@ck about you, it was all an act. Why would you EVER go back to that? That's why I didn't reply to the Merry Christmas message. No point.

[ballycastle]

Anyone know how to spot these sorts of people?

 

 

I realise doing my own research as well that they are incredibly charming and want to move things along very quickly, but is there another way to guage?

 

 

I guess listening and not muting is the key?

 

 

Mine told me lots of things I ignored/felt I could change, guess herein lies the problem. He told me all his relationships ended with him either a/being walked out on or b/jumping to the next one (leaving prospective partners).

 

 

In addition to these long term relationships he only ever married the first one (who walked out on him for him ignoring her)

 

 

Hindsight is a wonderful thing, but I was blinded by the care/love/attention he gave me more than any man had ever given me in my life.

 

 

How can we protect our selves in future?

 

 

Maybe we need to learn more about boundaries?

 

 

Like so many on this and other sites, the aftermath of picking up our lives after being duped by these individuals is catastrophic. I am so scarred that I am not sure I will ever do it again.

[Invictus01]

Anyone know how to spot these sorts of people?

 

 

I realise doing my own research as well that they are incredibly charming and want to move things along very quickly, but is there another way to guage?

 

 

I guess listening and not muting is the key?

 

 

Mine told me lots of things I ignored/felt I could change, guess herein lies the problem. He told me all his relationships ended with him either a/being walked out on or b/jumping to the next one (leaving prospective partners).

 

 

In addition to these long term relationships he only ever married the first one (who walked out on him for him ignoring her)

 

 

Hindsight is a wonderful thing, but I was blinded by the care/love/attention he gave me more than any man had ever given me in my life.

 

 

How can we protect our selves in future?

 

 

Maybe we need to learn more about boundaries?

 

 

Like so many on this and other sites, the aftermath of picking up our lives after being duped by these individuals is catastrophic. I am so scarred that I am not sure I will ever do it again.

 

The only solution I can think of - walk away from anything and anybody who seems to be too good to be true. Because that is exactly what I was thinking right after I met that girl - "is she for real? she is too good to be true!" Of course she is too good to be true - she studies you and morphs herself into what you tell her you like. Who wouldn't be perfect then? How do you find strength to walk away from this... that is a better question!

 

Also, read the book Sociopath Next Door when you have a chance. A very nice read.

Edited December 28, 2014 by Invictus01

[welshbambi]

It's like somebody yanked the Earth from underneath you and you are floating in some alternate universe. The closest I can describe it is your soul mate, the one, the person you saw the future with, suddenly died. I seriously don't know what would have happened if my friend didn't point me in the right direction. I, myself, have been spreading the word everywhere. For the most part people think I am nuts and it is ok. There is a ton of stuff to read about it out there (and I have been reading that ton) and I always said that if I could help just one person to understand this, I'm ok with it. Hopefully, that person is you. But it is a fantastic feeling to find somebody who gets you in all this craziness, isn't it?

 

Yes, it has definitely given me a bit of peace. Still pretty sucky but strangely I don't feel stupid for being "duped". Reading more into narcissists they can also follow cycles of behaviour. I was part of the same cycle he was in when he met and married his ex-wife. So in about 6 months he will be back in touch because he will be in a crash/burn/remorse phase. By that point I WILL be indifferent and if I choose to reply (because now that I know what he is, I can TOTALLY go to town at playing him at his own game) it will be a very brief pretence at being delighted and then a short, sharp shut down. Or, better still, I'll be so indifferent I'll just say to myself "cool" and put my phone back down.

And as far as crazy goes, I told my sister and mum about this and they looked at me sympathetically, obviously thinking "whatever gets her through, bless her". THEN I started reading the articles to them, the lists of traits and behaviours, and sympathy quickly turned to disbelief to agreement!

 

Anyone know how to spot these sorts of people?

 

 

I realise doing my own research as well that they are incredibly charming and want to move things along very quickly, but is there another way to guage?.

 

As Invictus says, if it really is too good to be true - and I mean someone just being so mesmerised by you that it's like a fairytale, then that should be the first red flag. Also make sure you ask more questions than you answer. You don't have to be cold or evasive because you could end up freezing out a genuinely nice person. But Narcissistic Sociopaths are very adept at reading people and using what they have learned about you to gain their trust. Most of that information will come from you so if you have a hobby or passion in life, and they (obviously) will claim to also love it, then make sure you test their knowledge in depth, covertly of course, to see if they are just pitching themselves as a great match for you. Don't allow them to "love bomb" you with their time. If someone messages you incessantly, then slow the pace yourself by trying not to respond. Most of all, learn to listen to your intuition in a healthy way. Not everyone who is forward or excited about meeting you will be an NS. But you will be older and wiser to just know someone who is keen from someone who is invading all of your space, metaphorically or physically.

Lastly, do not discuss your past relationships with them straight away - keep it very loose and light. They will use this to work out your vulnerabilities (e.g. I was cheated on by my ex - they will also have been cheated on and "really value honesty and openness as a result")

 

The only solution I can think of - walk away from anything and anybody who seems to be too good to be true. Because that is exactly what I was thinking right after I met that girl - "is she for real? she is too good to be true!" Of course she is too good to be true - she studies you and morphs herself into what you tell her you like. Who wouldn't be perfect then? How do you find strength to walk away from this... that is a better question!

 

Also, read the book Sociopath Next Door when you have a chance. A very nice read.

 

I will take a look at this book myself. And yes, definitely walking away is the answer if anything seems off, although if you are in any way really craving love and affection it can seem hard to walk away from something that makes you feel appreciated and good about yourself! I guess the important thing is to learn to love and respect yourself more, so you don;t need it as much from others. Tall order and if I EVER found out how to do that I'll let you know!

[Invictus01]

And my 4 hours of sleep are up. Ever since the unexpected buddy announcement, I have horrible sleeping issues. 4 hours of sleep is pretty much standard. I think when I get back home, I will start going to the gym in the middle of the night. May as well do something productive with all this time I all the sudden I have on my hands.

 

Have strong urges to break the NC ever since getting that effing Merry Christmas message from her. She sure knows how to get into my head. Except that I don't even know what to tell her. Plus I know that there is no way this will end good for me, once we exchange a few messages and she cuts off the communication again ('cause she will), sooooooooooo... keeping on going. 6+ weeks of NC now.

[Ieris]

And my 4 hours of sleep are up. Ever since the unexpected buddy announcement, I have horrible sleeping issues. 4 hours of sleep is pretty much standard. I think when I get back home, I will start going to the gym in the middle of the night. May as well do something productive with all this time I all the sudden I have on my hands.

 

Have strong urges to break the NC ever since getting that effing Merry Christmas message from her. She sure knows how to get into my head. Except that I don't even know what to tell her. Plus I know that there is no way this will end good for me, once we exchange a few messages and she cuts off the communication again ('cause she will), sooooooooooo... keeping on going. 6+ weeks of NC now.

 

How you thought about just blocking her so she can't reach you anymore? I could be wrong but I get the vibe that you still miss her and want her. You must remember you fell for an illusion, she's not even real. I remember I wanted one of my exes back but deep down I know the guy I fell for is gone.. The one knocking at my door is just a decoy..

[Invictus01]

How you thought about just blocking her so she can't reach you anymore? I could be wrong but I get the vibe that you still miss her and want her. You must remember you fell for an illusion, she's not even real. I remember I wanted one of my exes back but deep down I know the guy I fell for is gone.. The one knocking at my door is just a decoy..

 

Yeah, I remember that. That's what stops me from replying. I almost want to tell her that I know what she is... but I don't want her to go into some rage mode. She can't touch me, she is 700 miles away. I don't care what lies she tells people about me, I probably will never see them again. But she knows where my best buddy and his family lives and who knows what she capable of considering that she has no conscious or empathy or remorse.

 

It is just tough to reconcile the whole thing, even though you know what happened and all red flags you missed and all that. How something so awesome could be so fake. Just takes time, that is all...

[Invictus01]

Sometimes I visit some social sites to read reviews of the restaurant she is running. Not sure why, probably want her place to crash and burn. Haven't done it in a few weeks, but I looked it up today. Here is something I found that makes it even clearer to me that I was dealing with a narcissist/sociopath. This was better than a Christmas present this year.

 

Written by a former employee about two weeks ago.

"I was a server at this location and was fired a week before Christmas because the company sent in a 35-40yo man to order a drink and I didn't ask for his ID. The company intentionally sets up their employees to get them fired even if they're an asset to the business. The servers are my friends and are 90% very good at their jobs when the kitchen isn't taking 30mins to send out appetizers. The general manager is a complete bitch and I have no idea why she is even in the service industry at all."

 

This is written about somebody whose bosses hold in such a high regard to make her the youngest GM in the US by about 10 years out of all 80+ locations. I know it is written by a fired employee and might be just sour grapes but you don't go out on the internet and post things like that unless you had a damn good reason to do so. Amazing!

 

Also, finished reading Sociopath Next Door. Anybody who wants to get some education on this topic, look it up. Gets a little slow in some places, but overall a good read.

Edited January 2, 2015 by Invictus01

[welshbambi]

Ok as far as the internet review is concerned, I totally get that is gives you a ha ha moment, but looking at it realistically this doesn't tell you anything. I don't know anyone that got fired that said how awesome their boss was. I don't think that is further evidence of her being an NS.

 

But guess what? You're still keeping NC. No matter how much you want to rant at her or whatever, you are still saying far away and kudos to you!

 

I'm struggling today but I come on here and it reminds me others are going through similar or worse. We're here for you buddy xx

[Waz]

Hey OP,

 

Just to let you know, i don't visit this forum everyday, but when i do, the first thing i look up, is your thread

 

Keep us updated with your news and your progress mate. I'm glad about you man, you're coping pretty well.

 

Stay strong and happy new year.

[Invictus01]

Ok as far as the internet review is concerned, I totally get that is gives you a ha ha moment, but looking at it realistically this doesn't tell you anything. I don't know anyone that got fired that said how awesome their boss was. I don't think that is further evidence of her being an NS.

 

But guess what? You're still keeping NC. No matter how much you want to rant at her or whatever, you are still saying far away and kudos to you!

 

I'm struggling today but I come on here and it reminds me others are going through similar or worse. We're here for you buddy xx

 

Actually, to me, it tells me a lot. Because I saw all those firings for 6 months from her point of view. It was presented to me as a whole lot of drama and "I had to fire this guy and that guy because blah blah blah". Some of those folks would come back to her place and scream at her too (or so I was told). I started to wonder at some point wtf can possibly be happening in a business that you have all this drama. I am running a business too. We fire people too. It doesn't happen that often. I normally feel like $hit about it but they pretty much fire themselves by not doing their job. It isn't a normal thing to me. And after a while I literally started to wonder sometimes "How can this 26 year old kid run her business with such almost eerie ruthlessness?" But wrote it off as a restaurant specific stuff that I maybe don't understand and that's how stuff is done there.

 

And then there was a story about her good friend she used to hangout with all the time who in about 3 months went from best buds to a crazy psycho foe. Well, again, according to her. She literally sent me a text from the friend to another coworker (apparently co-worker sent the snapshot to her) that said "Blah blah I am going to bring her down if you stick with me" Again, it all made little sense to me because I couldn't understand how the bar manager would take down the GM. She eventually got fired too and the girlie told me "And you wonder why I don't trust anybody" Of course, I had to console her (again) and tell her how wonderful she is and how her ex-friend sucks. Pity play all around.

 

Anyway, I almost wanna reach out to that guy and corroborate a lot of those stories. Somehow they don't appear to be the same story...

Edited January 3, 2015 by Invictus01

[welshbambi]

Ah well now with a little more context that makes sense.

 

But corroborating it with what you know will only make you look bad. I have heard on the grapevine through our mutual friends that my ex is now pursuing a young, not so bright but pretty enough young girl with some fervour. He is, by all accounts, trying to feed her the same lines he did me. There is a HUGE part of me that wants to tip her off. As much to cock block him as anything else. But this is part of letting go, I guess. What he does is no longer my problem. If it wasn't her, it would be someone else and the fact that I am still in love with him, whether or not I want to be, is going to cloud my intentions for doing that and my better judgement. I may not have the guy, but I sure as hell have my dignity and I won't be parted with that.

 

Just let it play out - eventually there will be someone in Head Office who sees through her act and sorts it out, but it really is not your problem. Concentrate your energies on you, don't waste it on getting even with her. She is just not worth it.

[Invictus01]

Aaaaaaand I dreamed about her all night long last night. I guess my f@cked up brain decided that if I am not gonna break NC on my own... here you go, go have imaginary conversations with her about getting back together and moving in together and having kids. Yep, that happened. Come on, brain, get your $hit together! I don't need THAT $hit in my life, I'm doing juuuuuuuust fine at almost 2 months NC.

[Ieris]

Don't let little set backs like that unnerve you. No one said it was easy.. keep going! See you at the top! x

[Invictus01]

Don't let little set backs like that unnerve you. No one said it was easy.. keep going! See you at the top! x

 

Nah it won't. I keep on going forward. But the whole thing was so real, just showed me how nowhere near over her I am. I was actually happy in my dream. Happy to see her, happy to be with her. Just happy.

[Invictus01]

Probably gonna be long… but f@ck it…

 

Two months ago yesterday I went complete 100% no contact with my future. Or so I thought at the time. Yeah, sure, we only had dated for 6 months but from the first “Hollywood movie” date till almost the end when I was declared her to be “good friend” in a text and thrown away like a used square of toilet paper, she threw such a potent game at me, I thought I was done. I met HER, THE ONE. And as I was lying there on the floor in tears and snot the day I was declared to be her “buddy”, blaming myself for anything and everything (why, who knows), what was going through my head was “I just lost THE ONE and probably my last chance at a family, 2.1 kids and 1.6 dogs”. You see, yesterday I turned 38.

 

The ironic thing in all this is that I didn’t even look for a relationship. I never look for a relationship. I don’t know what it means to look for a relationship. I am perfectly content being by myself when I am single. I don’t need anybody to entertain me or take care of me or make me feel complete. I am completely capable of doing all that by myself. Ok, forget that – SHE was supposed to be just a Sunday afternoon out of town trip adventure, nothing more. I’m not an idiot, I know long distance relationships rarely work. None of this was supposed to happen! And that one crazy afternoon filled with just an insane amount of chemistry and magic between us (we both felt it, we talked about how crazy that feeling was, I wasn’t just imagining that) changed everything.

 

A few days ago I had a conversation with a friend (who for some reason is trying to date me even though I told her how beyond f@cked up in the head I am right now) and she told me “I really wish I had your life” I was like “What do you mean, it is just my life?” And she replied “You just really got your **** together. Well, with the exception of that whole girl thing.” And come to think about it… she is right, I do have my **** together. I have a kick ass job running the finance side of a multi-million dollar company that makes my bank account very happy. I spent 10 years going to school part time after college and have 2 Masters degrees to show for it. For being 38, I have a lot of interesting life stories that most people will never get to experience (let me tell you that one story where FBI followed me for 5 years) I spend a lot of time in the gym because I like it and most of the time women think I’m in my early 30s. I guess I got good enough looks for women to approach me and not just me chasing them. All that I got together. The rest…

 

Two months later, I still sleep no more than 4 hours most nights. I have a really short fuse with people and find myself apologizing for it because it used to be completely out of character for me. I catch myself randomly spacing out and just thoughtlessly staring at the wall or out of the window or at the floor. I never had this happen before. I can’t even think about going to some places we went to together, they pretty much don’t exist to me anymore. Too bad, I really liked that Whole Foods by my apartment, they have an awesome wine bar. The funny thing (well, in a really perverted sense of funny) is that this is 100% better than where I was a month ago. At least I finally remembered what it feels like to be hungry again and haven’t had one of those nutty break downs (like crying on a plane) in a few weeks. I will give it another month or so to see the progress and I just might check in with a shrink. All this just reeks of what my army doctor friend told me it might be – PTSD.

 

Sometimes I really feel like breaking NC, texting her and asking her if she ever wonders what it could have been between us considering how much chemistry we had. But then… if it was real, we’d still be together. Completely walking away is probably the toughest thing emotionally I have ever done but I don’t have a choice.

 

Third month NC, here I come.

[Waz]

Invictus,

 

You're progressing tremendously well, i can tell. Only in 2 full months. Just think about it. Think about how yourself was 59 days before. Not even a 3 digits number of days and you resist breaking NC impressively. You are a fighter man, no one can break your self-confidence or make you doubt for yourself. Don't let no one do that to you, even if it's a person, a moment or a sweet memory. You are far too strong for this.

 

A thing i noticed is that, to me from what you wrote, you seem to wait for a specific amount of time where you magically the next day will notice that you feel significantly better than yesterday in a more stable manner, so that you can assure yourself that you are in the right pace of recovering. Maybe it's just me, but if you actually wait for that, don't. Just relax, take your time and just let the time do the trick without thinking of this. You will feel much better if you don't (as you already know) overthink. But you will anyway ignore that to see for yourself. So i just tell you just in case

 

Keep up mate and don't worry. It's a heavy hit, i know, but as i survived, you will survive too as well. When you feel weak, be the man who you would admire and respect for his courage and his views on life.

 

Keep us updated.

[Invictus01]

Invictus,

 

You're progressing tremendously well, i can tell. Only in 2 full months. Just think about it. Think about how yourself was 59 days before. Not even a 3 digits number of days and you resist breaking NC impressively. You are a fighter man, no one can break your self-confidence or make you doubt for yourself. Don't let no one do that to you, even if it's a person, a moment or a sweet memory. You are far too strong for this.

 

A thing i noticed is that, to me from what you wrote, you seem to wait for a specific amount of time where you magically the next day will notice that you feel significantly better than yesterday in a more stable manner, so that you can assure yourself that you are in the right pace of recovering. Maybe it's just me, but if you actually wait for that, don't. Just relax, take your time and just let the time do the trick without thinking of this. You will feel much better if you don't (as you already know) overthink. But you will anyway ignore that to see for yourself. So i just tell you just in case

 

Keep up mate and don't worry. It's a heavy hit, i know, but as i survived, you will survive too as well. When you feel weak, be the man who you would admire and respect for his courage and his views on life.

 

Keep us updated.

 

Thanks man. I've done the whole chasing thing with a couple of girls in the past. It never gets you anywhere, it isn't some Hollywood flick. It just takes an insane amount of time to get over somebody if you try to chase or respond to breadcrumbs. And in the end, it gets you nowhere. I learned from my mistakes and decided that this time, it will be different. About effing time at the age of 38. And the best part is that eventually, some of them do come back once you walk away. Unfortunately, just like in the movie Swingers, they come back when you really do not give a $hit anymore.

Edited January 29, 2015 by Invictus01

[leafsfan1967]

Invictus, I can totally relate your story. My relationship was half the length of yours (only 3 months) and she was coming out of a 5+ year relationship just a couple of months before she met me. She was hot and cold but a part of her was crazy into me and I was crazy into her, but she dropped me out of nowhere one night without any explanation. Been almost 2.5 months now, and haven't had any contact in 2 months. Didn't even have the decency to tell me/talk to me in person. She is now back with her ex who treated her like crap and cheated on her. Trouble is, he was lurking around trying to get her back, was really close with her friends/siblings and really entrenched in her social circle. I think the pain might even be getting worse - there is something just so cruel about feeling used, feeling like you were a rebound, that what you saw/felt wasn't really. I know the pain man - and it's lately been unbearable. It's all I think about and hurts like hell. Good on you for the NC though, I know how hard that can be. I have also tried to block her in every way I possibly can (including social media) so I can't see pictures of how happy she is now with her ex.

 

She was younger than your girl (23 turning 24 in the next couple weeks). Feel free to read my post if you want, it's long but goes into detail about how uncertain she was and the way she was acting. I'm sure having the ex pining for her in the background with him so entrenched in her social life made it hard for her to let go. Regardless, I can relate to the unrelenting pain and heartbreak. People around me think I just need to move on and snap out of it, and I've been through being dumped before out of much longer relationships (1 year, 2.5 years) and for some reason this one seems to haunt me the most. Getting used feels so cruel, especially when you're genuinely invested in something real.

Edited February 10, 2015 by leafsfan1967

[Invictus01]

Invictus, I can totally relate your story. My relationship was half the length of yours (only 3 months) and she was coming out of a 5+ year relationship just a couple of months before she met me. She was hot and cold but a part of her was crazy into me and I was crazy into her, but she dropped me out of nowhere one night without any explanation. Been almost 2.5 months now, and haven't had any contact in 2 months. Didn't even have the decency to tell me/talk to me in person. She is now back with her ex who treated her like crap and cheated on her. Trouble is, he was lurking around trying to get her back, was really close with her friends/siblings and really entrenched in her social circle. I think the pain might even be getting worse - there is something just so cruel about feeling used, feeling like you were a rebound, that what you saw/felt wasn't really. I know the pain man - and it's lately been unbearable. It's all I think about and hurts like hell. Good on you for the NC though, I know how hard that can be. I have also tried to block her in every way I possibly can (including social media) so I can't see pictures of how happy she is now with her ex.

 

She was younger than your girl (23 turning 24 in the next couple weeks). Feel free to read my post if you want, it's long but goes into detail about how uncertain she was and the way she was acting. I'm sure having the ex pining for her in the background with him so entrenched in her social life made it hard for her to let go. Regardless, I can relate to the unrelenting pain and heartbreak. People around me think I just need to move on and snap out of it, and I've been through being dumped before out of much longer relationships (1 year, 2.5 years) and for some reason this one seems to haunt me the most. Getting used feels so cruel, especially when you're genuinely invested in something real.

 

Yeah, man, it is rough. My girl wasn't even hot/cold. It was all hot hot hot for 6 months, then *poof* gone! Just surreal. You are gonna introduce me to your parents at a formal dinner (at yours and your family's initiative, I didn't even bring this up) just to walk away from me within 2-3 weeks without a fight or an argument??? How does THAT work for a normal person? I know that I shouldn't judge anybody's actions by how I handle things, but if I meet somebody and I discover that something is off and I'm not that much into that girl, I can't pretend even for a week. I've had 3 women in the past 2.5 months who wanted to go out with me. I am still so not ready for all this stuff, I went out for a date with each (mostly so that I don't spend another evening on LS), then was like "What the hell are you doing man? You spend hours every day thinking about another woman and you will string this one along for what?" And just told them where my mind is and walked away.

 

I keep on thinking about breaking NC because I can't stop thinking about her but here is what stops me. (1) Even if we got back together, if she did this to me again, I am not sure what will happen to me. My mind visited such dark places in the first few weeks after the break up, I didn't know they existed inside of me and I never ever wanna see them again! (2) There is a list of my female friends who, after watching how I treated her for the duration of our relationship and how she treated me at the end, literally wanna whoop her ass. I am sure me getting back in touch with her would go over great with them. And (3) I risk losing a whole lot of friends if we got back together. One of them is my best friend who told me that he will kill me if I ever talk to her again after watching the way I treated her and how everything went down in the end. And trust me, the guy knows what he is talking about. His wife of 5 years put him through some interesting times during dating (*I* was telling him that he should walk away from her), so if he is telling me that what she did was f@cked up beyond belief... I trust his expert opinion.

 

Looking back at things in her past (family, prior relationships, etc) and after reading up a whole lot of things on BPD/sociopaths, I strongly believe that my girlie unfortunately is one of them. I know, I know, you shouldn't play a psychiatrist and I don't wanna put too many details from her personal past on a public forum, but let's just say going forward, I will walk away.... no, let me change that... I will RUN away from any woman who has a history of mental illness in the family, has a history of emotional abandonment by her mother in her childhood, has really strong narcissistic traits (which, by the way, she clearly got from her mother), has a string of unstable relationships in the past and just about every day has something going on in her life that you feel sorry for. I will protect myself at any cost going forward, no matter what.

Edited February 10, 2015 by Invictus01