Regrets – sleeping with only one woman

[oldshirt]

I want to make something clear to both Curious and all the other posters.

 

I am not advocating swinging or encouraging that they swing or open their their marriage per se.

 

I am encouraging them to DISCUSS OPTIONS.. I am encouraging them to open the lines of communication and discuss their feelings and ideas and fears and concerns etc in an open and safe environment and discuss a variety of options for dealing with these feelings.

 

Yes some form of swinging/open marriage etc might be an option but so is a whole range of other options that don't include other people in the bedroom. Those other options include role playing, watching XXX movies together, toys, lingerie, exploring BD/SM, adult board games etc etc etc etc etc.

 

Even on the swinging front, there are many many couples that go to swinger clubs just to party and dirty dance and flirt and be in a very sexually charged adult environment without actually having sex with other people at all. Just being in that sexually open and charged environment is all it takes.

 

So my point in all of this is I am encouraging them to face up to the fact that they are having yearnings for variety and discuss a multitude of options for dealing with those yearnings and to come up with ideas and boundaries and such for how to deal with them.

 

I am not telling them to just go out and do it.

[elaine567]

The problem here is that you did not sow your wild oats, you were not done with that, when you met your wife. Some have one or two sexual encounters and that is enough, some will have 20 and that is enough, some will have 200+ and then they are ready to settle.

Some will never have enough...

 

How do you know which category you fall into?

 

This is an issue.

...obtaining a beautiful companion is very easy here especially if you are a fit and decent looking foreigner also fluent in the local language and customs.

You are surrounded by beautiful women, who you know would be happy to go to bed with you, and you now feel you are missing out. If you slept with one of those women would that make you feel better? or 2 or maybe 20, 200...???

 

I feel, although it would be very painful for you both, you need to go and do what you have to do. Be honest with yourself and your wife and just leave this marriage and explore those women you desire.

 

Otherwise this is just going to get messy, cheating, ONSs, affairs OR you remain faithful but you will start to unfairly despise and hate your wife. You will start to blame her for this.

 

She, it appears from what you say, didn't go into this marriage with the thought of threesomes and it being "open". You have introduced that concept and she will be hurt by that.

By bringing this up again and again in "jokes", you are already cracking your marriage apart.

Most married women apart from those who make it clear at the outset, do not want "open" relationships, they want a nuclear family, a nest and one faithful man who adores them and makes them feel really special.

[Blaze997]

I can't believe this is your biggest problem in life. You would **** a brick if your wife went out and "experimented" with some strapping young buck, but you somehow think it would be ok to do the same.

 

If there are intellectual, virtuous, even attractive young men that can survive taking a Monastic vow of celibacy, you can survive having a life with one good woman. Try being a man and not such a weak-minded pussy.

[Inner_Turmoil]

It's funny, a lot of posters here are saying "just get over it, you have it good" as if it is something you can just switch off. But as one poster commented, if you yourself have not experienced what the OP is experiencing, you truly do not know what a struggle it can be.

 

OP, I was about to make the very exact same post you made, and as I read it, I was amazed as how identical my situation was as yours. I too am married and having only slept with only my wife my whole life time. For the past years I have been really struggling with this notion, as I keep having these urges to bed with another woman. So I completely get where you are coming from, we don't want to have these thoughts or desires, but they are there, and we are unable to get away from them, just like we are unable to breathe without oxygen, it just can not go away.

 

Unfortunately I do not have the answer to this problem, as I am still struggling with it. Unlike you, I have not brought this up to my wife, because I know how much it would deeply hurt her, so it just stirs inside of me and it is really starting to hit me real hard as of late.

 

I get what some of the posters are saying, that they would trade in all their single, wild experiences for one lifetime lasting one. But even if you get it mentally, those primal desires do not go away, as if there is a chemical releasing in you making you desire something else. The best that I can do to help cope with this is play my instrument and listen to music, to just take myself away from everything around me, and maybe that is the key to alleviating it, finding other things to occupy yourself. I have considered counseling several times, but I can not find a way to doing it without my wife knowing about it, and I honestly would hate to disclose this to her, because I know it would scar her deeply and she would see it as me wanting to cheat on her, when I really don't want do and am fighting against it everyday.

 

I wish you the best OP, as we both go through this, and hopefully find some solace in it all.

Edited December 9, 2014 by Inner_Turmoil
Typos

[slizl]

Imagine your wildest fantasy with one of these other women that you think about....Now do that S&*t to your wife. Problem solved.

[elaine567]

Imagine your wildest fantasy with one of these other women that you think about....Now do that S&*t to your wife. Problem solved.

 

I don't really think this is about "wildest fantasies" and then exploring that fantasy with his wife.

 

This is about approaching another woman, "seducing" her, and having sex with her. He is surrounded by beautiful available women too which is not helping.

This longing, I guess, is also about being seen by other women as being worthy as a suitor and the kick that gives, from being accepted as a sexual partner, by someone different. He has only had sex with his wife, she loves him so is always going to accept him.

I guess, he wants to know if he has it in him to attract other women, beautiful women. He probably dreams that other women will find him irresistible.

 

He doesn't really know if he is getting good sex or bad sex, as he has no first hand experience of sex with anyone else, and he is probably thinking at this moment in time, that it could be bad sex... Hence the frustration.

[Giggle]

I /was/ a virgin when I got together with my ex. We were together for 9 years. I never really looked at other guys like that. But I did wonder what would happen if I ran across somebody I felt an amazing amount of chemistry for.

 

How is the sex life? Ours was eh. I thoroughly enjoyed the sex, but I never had an orgasm. He tried a few things but we never discussed sex. We didn't discuss much of anything despite that.. My drive was higher than his. He was content with twice a month ?! I'd never even kissed a guy before him, he was my first everything. Sometimes I wondered if his low drive was because I didn't orgasm, so I would attempt to fix that. I got books, I read, I got toys to try alone.

 

We did not discuss much of anything. We just coasted along with content. Until the last year when we just irritated each other, he left for school for 3 months. I set about changing things that bothered him and he met somebody else

 

You have to be able to really talk to each other. I understand the curiousity. I really do. You are just making it into a bigger thing in your head. You are obsessing about it. I've had a curiosity for years and years about women. It would never have made me stray from my relationship. You get off everytime you have sex, I would imagine. I didn't even get to enjoy oral sex with him, I'm not sure why but I never even got close. I knew it was supposed to be wonderful and it wasn't. It did not make me look at and sit there wanting other guys.

 

Being able to truly talk to your partner about what intrigues you is really really hot. I can have guys volunteer for sex.. And not be interested because of my bf. we talk about anything that might be a turn on. And I don't get to touch him. Talking to him is way hotter and more satisfying than any of the sex I've had earlier this year.

 

You are obsessing about something you think you want and you're going to push your wife away. Sharing somebody /might/ work, but you're going to have to really really completely open talk to your wife. And she would really need to be interested. Right now you're killing her. Gawd that would suck.

[Giggle]

And honestly, the more time you spend thinking about something, the lack of something, that negativity.. The more it's in your life.

 

There probably is a good bit of biology making your hormones run amok, but if you can change your focus to your wife, making you two your focus...

[LisaSmith_1970]

Have you considered having an "open marriage?" Or become swingers? My friend has been married for 12 years, she met him when she was 19, she told me the occasionally they go to swingers events. She said she loves it, she wanted to experience it, because her husband was the first guy she has ever been with.

[bathtub-row]

I understand this problem but, the truth is, if you have sex with other women now, the magic and innocence of your marriage will be gone. Especially if your wife knows about it. I don't have a solution for you but I think that much you can be sure of if you cheated (even with her consent), had a threesome, etc. You won't be able to get that back.

[GirlStillStrong]

Hello,

 

I am a 29 year old US male. First post and a long one, apologies.

 

I understand that there is a great thread here http://www.loveshack.org/forums/transitioning/getting-married/251662-sleep-one-women-my-whole-life which covers this topic, but it’s a little old so starting a new one. I have seen a few good discussions on this topic across the internet, not too many though. And that makes sense as reports indicate that 95% of Americans engage in pre-marital sex. Folks like myself it seems are very much in the minority. I sincerely hope this dialogue benefits my situation as well as others.

 

Firstly, the most common response I have seen to “will I have regrets with marrying the only person I have slept with?” is “no, because I have been there and done that and you are not missing anything” and “do not throw away a good thing by leaving your current lover”. Allow me to offer my thoughts on this as one of the 5%. If you (particularly if you are a male), have found this thread and are having these thoughts, I believe that you will most likely deeply regret it later at some point during your married life. For those in this predicament, I strongly recommend immediately talking directly with your lover. Let her know what is going on in your head. You don’t have to “throw away” anything necessarily. Talk it out and determine a plan. Just wanted to mention that as I was surprised this approach was not stressed more often.

 

So this is where I am...

 

I have known my wife for 9 years now and we have been married for over 4 years. However, I have recently been deeply regretting my choices of not involving myself more in the dating game earlier and this regret is resulting in some depression. I only had 2 girlfriends prior to my wife and no sex experience. I always just intensely focused on sports, studies, hobbies, and took care of those desires via other means. I love everything about my wife and our marriage. And we both do enjoy having sex with each other and I do have a rather high sex drive now. However, where I live in the world, beautiful women are everywhere all the time. And obtaining a beautiful companion is very easy here especially if you are a fit and decent looking foreigner also fluent in the local language and customs. I am now having a stronger and stronger desire to have sex with other women, but at the same time the love for my only wife is also increasing. In some ways I feel I only need a few experiences and just get it out of my system so to speak and these feelings would not exist if I had more of these experiences earlier in my life. I am also feeling that if I don’t have these experiences and opportunities now, then I will regret it even more in the future as my age progresses. The thought of me as an even older man still being tormented by these desires is not a pleasant one. In absolutely no situation would I ever hide anything from wife. So, I have discussed these feelings with her and she gets it because she understands me but is certainly reluctant to me exploring....which again is definitely something I would not do without her permission first...so that’s where I am now...

 

Any advice out there to help us get through this?

 

Thank you all very much for taking the time,

J

Getting some strange is NOT going to "cure" your longings and desires. It is only going to fuel the fire. You've got a good thing going there with your marriage, don't **** it up and throw all that away. I am on the other side of the fence from you and can assure you, having multiple partners across the lifespan is nothing to write home about. It ALL gets boring sooner or later and you wind up chasing a feeling. It's just not worth it.

 

Buckle down, focus, stop entertaining those thoughts. You really need to adopt an attitude of gratitude. You and the wife explore new things and spice it up. Be daring.

[LoveMyHusband]

Hello,

 

I am a 29 year old US male. First post and a long one, apologies.

 

I understand that there is a great thread here http://www.loveshack.org/forums/transitioning/getting-married/251662-sleep-one-women-my-whole-life which covers this topic, but it’s a little old so starting a new one. I have seen a few good discussions on this topic across the internet, not too many though. And that makes sense as reports indicate that 95% of Americans engage in pre-marital sex. Folks like myself it seems are very much in the minority. I sincerely hope this dialogue benefits my situation as well as others.

 

Firstly, the most common response I have seen to “will I have regrets with marrying the only person I have slept with?” is “no, because I have been there and done that and you are not missing anything” and “do not throw away a good thing by leaving your current lover”. Allow me to offer my thoughts on this as one of the 5%. If you (particularly if you are a male), have found this thread and are having these thoughts, I believe that you will most likely deeply regret it later at some point during your married life. For those in this predicament, I strongly recommend immediately talking directly with your lover. Let her know what is going on in your head. You don’t have to “throw away” anything necessarily. Talk it out and determine a plan. Just wanted to mention that as I was surprised this approach was not stressed more often.

 

So this is where I am...

 

I have known my wife for 9 years now and we have been married for over 4 years. However, I have recently been deeply regretting my choices of not involving myself more in the dating game earlier and this regret is resulting in some depression. I only had 2 girlfriends prior to my wife and no sex experience. I always just intensely focused on sports, studies, hobbies, and took care of those desires via other means. I love everything about my wife and our marriage. And we both do enjoy having sex with each other and I do have a rather high sex drive now. However, where I live in the world, beautiful women are everywhere all the time. And obtaining a beautiful companion is very easy here especially if you are a fit and decent looking foreigner also fluent in the local language and customs. I am now having a stronger and stronger desire to have sex with other women, but at the same time the love for my only wife is also increasing. In some ways I feel I only need a few experiences and just get it out of my system so to speak and these feelings would not exist if I had more of these experiences earlier in my life. I am also feeling that if I don’t have these experiences and opportunities now, then I will regret it even more in the future as my age progresses. The thought of me as an even older man still being tormented by these desires is not a pleasant one. In absolutely no situation would I ever hide anything from wife. So, I have discussed these feelings with her and she gets it because she understands me but is certainly reluctant to me exploring....which again is definitely something I would not do without her permission first...so that’s where I am now...

 

Any advice out there to help us get through this?

 

Thank you all very much for taking the time,

J

 

As a woman who didn't meet her husband until she was older and has been to hell and back with dead end relationships, faux relationships, liars, cheaters, men not telling me they were taken and has had sex with a number of men (not because I'm a slut but because of the many years I was not married and looking for that person among unsuitable partners), I am very envious of those people who have only been with their spouses from the time they are young. I tell them they are not missing anything. As you are male, I have this to offer. Society has to stop emasculating men who have limited sex partners. You aren't missing ANYTHING if you have had only one partner.

 

I wish I could say I was only with my husband. When I met him, I regretted having gotten involved with each and every single one of the men in my past (except for maybe 2). Considering all the crappy drama that's out there and the fact that there is an STD called HPV which affects 80% of the population for which men cannot be tested, that condoms don't protect against and which doctors say to women doesn't have to be disclosed, if I were you, I would stay with my wife and be grateful.

 

EXPLORE NEW SEXUAL AVENUES WITH YOUR WIFE. ROLE PLAY.

[Striver]

I am another who was only ever with my wife. My marriage is ending, but it's my wife, who was with others before me, is leaving for someone she knew before I ever met her.

 

So there is that issue. Suppose you divorce your wife, play the field for a while, then get tired of that and want to settle down again. What then? Try to break up the ex and whoever she's with? You could meet someone new, but she is going to be different from your ex. Now you start comparing partner #2 to the ex, partner #2 is missing qualities that your ex had (even if she has some things that the ex didn't), and you start getting unhappy again. What then?

 

I get the desire. Sexual desire is unquenchable. I guess I don't get the idea that you're supposed to "get everything out of your system." That's impossible. My desire for other women increased after marriage, even though I was getting more needs met. The more needs I got met, the more I knew what was out there. But I never acted on anything, because I knew how much work it took to find something good.

[oldshirt]

 

I get the desire. Sexual desire is unquenchable. I guess I don't get the idea that you're supposed to "get everything out of your system." That's impossible. My desire for other women increased after marriage, even though I was getting more needs met. The more needs I got met, the more I knew what was out there. But I never acted on anything, because I knew how much work it took to find something good.

 

That is a good way of putting it.

 

You never get it out of your system because wanting "more" IS the system.

 

But realizing how hard it is to find someone good that is a good match and realizing how much sub-par is out there, is what keeps most people at home.

[SmartDude]

You could follow everyone's advice, or you could do what they do and not what they say.

 

Most people just cheat.

 

..And I don't blame them. Look at what people actually DO within a lifetime rather than what their ideal is. You will find that as humans we are only "somewhat monogamous" at best. Anything else is forced cultural conditioning.

 

"growing old" with someone. Who actually wants that? When im old I want to be left the hell alone.

[LoveMyHusband]

It's funny, a lot of posters here are saying "just get over it, you have it good" as if it is something you can just switch off. But as one poster commented, if you yourself have not experienced what the OP is experiencing, you truly do not know what a struggle it can be.

 

OP, I was about to make the very exact same post you made, and as I read it, I was amazed as how identical my situation was as yours. I too am married and having only slept with only my wife my whole life time. For the past years I have been really struggling with this notion, as I keep having these urges to bed with another woman. So I completely get where you are coming from, we don't want to have these thoughts or desires, but they are there, and we are unable to get away from them, just like we are unable to breathe without oxygen, it just can not go away.

 

Unfortunately I do not have the answer to this problem, as I am still struggling with it. Unlike you, I have not brought this up to my wife, because I know how much it would deeply hurt her, so it just stirs inside of me and it is really starting to hit me real hard as of late.

 

I get what some of the posters are saying, that they would trade in all their single, wild experiences for one lifetime lasting one. But even if you get it mentally, those primal desires do not go away, as if there is a chemical releasing in you making you desire something else. The best that I can do to help cope with this is play my instrument and listen to music, to just take myself away from everything around me, and maybe that is the key to alleviating it, finding other things to occupy yourself. I have considered counseling several times, but I can not find a way to doing it without my wife knowing about it, and I honestly would hate to disclose this to her, because I know it would scar her deeply and she would see it as me wanting to cheat on her, when I really don't want do and am fighting against it everyday.

 

I wish you the best OP, as we both go through this, and hopefully find some solace in it all.

 

I will repeat my advice for you as well. Mark my words. It's terrible out there. You have it made if you've only been with your spouse. I can't even begin to tell you how lucky you are. I know the grass looks greener on the other side, but I've been burnt enough times to know it's bad out there if you're single. I think if you find your soulmate right away when you're young you are very fortunate. I wish my only lover had been my husband. I envy people who can say that. While I wish I only had my husband and nobody else, a part of me thinks maybe I needed those bad experiences to appreciate my husband as much as I do. I don't get the urge to sleep with anybody else.

 

I gave in to peer and societal pressure that teaches you that if you are a virgin at a certain age there's something wrong with you. I also panicked when I was not married by a certain age, so I got involved with some totally undesirable men, one of whom belongs in prison if you ask me.

[Tocook]

I completely get your curiosities and regrets. IMO, if you are sexually driven person, which it sounds like you are and so am I, it's very hard to stay in a monogamous relationship for a lifetime. I've known my H for 18 years and have always been curious abiut sleeping with other men even though I have been with one other man before him. We've been married for 11 years and he's a wonderful man but after this many years of marriage and 2 children, I am deeply bored and debating divorce (other issues involved, there always will be).

 

If your wife is open to it, maybe you can try an open marriage for a short while. Just know that if she is not fully on board and you don't talk talk talk about it first, there WILL be problems that arise.

 

I don't think your curiously is a phase that will just go away, especially as you get older. Mine hasn't.

[Clockwork]

In all honesty, you were a virgin on your wedding night. Forget about what society tells you. You are sharing something with your wife that only she has had. That is very special and in a perfect world we all do this. For people who are religious there is a very good reason the Bible talks about remaining a virgin until you get married. Don't feel any shame.

 

 

Now, look around these boards, pick one thread and ask yourself if these problems would exist if the parties waited until they were married. They wouldn`t have. There would be no surprise pregnancies, there would be no cheating, there would be less jealousy, there would be a lot more trust. So take that as a positive.

 

 

You can do a lot of things to spice things up with your wife. Videotape yourselves having sex. Believe me, you won`t need to watch porn again if you are watching your own wife on top of you. That's all you will need. Try kinky things, tease each other, etc.

[LoveMyHusband]

In all honesty, you were a virgin on your wedding night. Forget about what society tells you. You are sharing something with your wife that only she has had. That is very special and in a perfect world we all do this. For people who are religious there is a very good reason the Bible talks about remaining a virgin until you get married. Don't feel any shame.

 

 

Now, look around these boards, pick one thread and ask yourself if these problems would exist if the parties waited until they were married. They wouldn`t have. There would be no surprise pregnancies, there would be no cheating, there would be less jealousy, there would be a lot more trust. So take that as a positive.

 

 

You can do a lot of things to spice things up with your wife. Videotape yourselves having sex. Believe me, you won`t need to watch porn again if you are watching your own wife on top of you. That's all you will need. Try kinky things, tease each other, etc.

 

I believe that if I waited until marriage, which didn't come for me until later in life, I wouldn't have had ANY of the problems I had all these years as a single woman that caused me so much grief. I wish I had put my foot down with these men who I had sex with and demanded that they give me a ring if they wanted to sleep with me. And if that scared them off, that would have been a worthy loss.

 

I know that OP is a man, but I must note that society tells women not to seem too desperate to get married or you will scare a man off. I say tell the guy you are looking for someone to marry. And if he tries to have sex with you, tell him you won't give it up unless he introduces you to family and friends explicitly as his girlfriend and gives you a ring. I have a friend who says she wouldn't move in with a guy without a ring.

 

A lot of problems would be avoided if people waited until marriage. Look at the Jodi Arias case to cite an EXTREME EXAMPLE. If they had not slept together, knowing he didn't have any intention of marrying her and knowing she wanted to get married (and broke up with her BF before Travis bc of that), then maybe she wouldn't have gone cray cray and stalked then killed him in a jealous rage. We wouldn't have a common STD out there like HPV which reportedly affects 80% of the population.

Edited December 29, 2014 by LoveMyHusband