Sensible or settling? Marriage of "convenience"

[FitChick]

Go to a sperm bank.

[Els]

Gotcha. I also have a friend from a culture where arranged marriage is the norm. Her family is conservative, and two of her siblings had arranged marriages. Those relationships seem to be pretty traditional and stable, oriented around raising a family, but overall they have as many problems as non-arranged marriages. I think arranged marriages are less likely to end in divorce more because of cultural forces around them than anything - family expectations, harsher judgment about divorce, etc.

 

Yep, right on. Lack of divorce can hardly be used as the benchmark for happiness or health of the relationship when divorce is frowned upon so severely in such cultures.

 

IMO a good balanced approach would be to truly appreciate and make the most of our freedom to choose whom we really want to be with... but also, once we find such a person, to apply more 'traditional' methods of trying to fix a relationship that's going through hard times, rather than bolting at the first sign of trouble in eternal pursuit of instant gratification. My opinion is that the latter is the main cause of broken families nowadays, not the fact that people have the freedom of choice.

[hildagnome]

I have a similar situation, great answers here. I feel like it's a gamble. Settle, someone else might come along or someone might not.

Edited November 26, 2014 by hildagnome

[blueberrymuffin]

I guess what I'm realising is, what is that I am so afraid to be missing out on? Surely chemistry goes, and once you have that familiarity with someone it all boils down to the same thing and whether or not you had chemistry to begin with won't matter. Right?

 

I want kids, but I'd never intentionaly bring kids into the world if I knew I wasn't going to be with their father for long. I guess the real issue is, at my age I want the stability and that person who is around and who 'has your back'. Hard words for someone who is super independent but I guess the need is part of the "ageing" process.

 

Finally, for all of those who think people should wait for the "right one" to come along I was wondering WHEN do you give up the wait? When do you give up and 'settle'? What if that person never comes or if he does he is married etc etc and you end up at 80 with no family just because you persisted in waiting for the special one. This has been playing on mind.. because if I'm going to give up and settle in a couple of years I might as well give up now and settle for a great guy who ticks all the boxes and has been a genuine friend who I like hanging out with. I just don't think I'll get a better "settle".

[Els]

I guess what I'm realising is, what is that I am so afraid to be missing out on? Surely chemistry goes, and once you have that familiarity with someone it all boils down to the same thing and whether or not you had chemistry to begin with won't matter. Right?

 

No... Even though the honeymoon phase fades, chemistry will always remain, just in slow boil mode, not fireworks-everyday mode. This is different from room-temperature mode, which is what you are proposing.

 

There are people who have been together for decades and whose chemistry is still palpable.

 

If you truly want to 'settle' that is your right, but be sure to be completely honest with the man you are 'settling' for.

[elaine567]

I guess what I'm realising is, what is that I am so afraid to be missing out on? Surely chemistry goes, and once you have that familiarity with someone it all boils down to the same thing and whether or not you had chemistry to begin with won't matter. Right?

 

I want kids, but I'd never intentionaly bring kids into the world if I knew I wasn't going to be with their father for long. I guess the real issue is, at my age I want the stability and that person who is around and who 'has your back'. Hard words for someone who is super independent but I guess the need is part of the "ageing" process.

 

Finally, for all of those who think people should wait for the "right one" to come along I was wondering WHEN do you give up the wait? When do you give up and 'settle'? What if that person never comes or if he does he is married etc etc and you end up at 80 with no family just because you persisted in waiting for the special one. This has been playing on mind.. because if I'm going to give up and settle in a couple of years I might as well give up now and settle for a great guy who ticks all the boxes and has been a genuine friend who I like hanging out with. I just don't think I'll get a better "settle".

 

I think for some rare people, there is a lasting "chemistry" that brings people through all the challenges of a marriage.

However I do wonder if that "chemistry" is not the initial earth shattering romantic love that we all crave, but more a commitment to the marriage. The individuals involved are compliant, caring and kind enough to make it work, through thick and thin.

All too often that earth shattering "love" is deemed essential for any marriage, but people who are in "love" split up too, some hardly make it past 2 years.

So my feeling is that there is no real need for the birds singing in the trees sort of love, I believe long term it is all about wanting to work together to make it work and if you are both people who are willing to care and to show kindness and respect to each other and are committed to the long haul then it will work. But if one or both partners have demons, prejudices, are cruel and selfish and have no basic sense of loyalty, then it is a recipe for disaster even if you are "in love".

[Ruby Slippers]

I just don't think I'll get a better "settle".

I relate to the feeling for sure. Haven't done it yet, though.

 

I agree with the advice to go on a date with him, maybe a few, and see how it goes. Maybe you and the man who doesn't believe in falling in love will end up falling in love Or maybe not. Either way, you'll get a stronger read and feel for the situation only through experience, not intellectual discussion of the matter.

[neowulf]

 

Finally, for all of those who think people should wait for the "right one" to come along I was wondering WHEN do you give up the wait? When do you give up and 'settle'?

 

What if that person never comes or if he does he is married etc etc and you end up at 80 with no family just because you persisted in waiting for the special one.

 

This has been playing on mind.. because if I'm going to give up and settle in a couple of years I might as well give up now and settle for a great guy who ticks all the boxes and has been a genuine friend who I like hanging out with. I just don't think I'll get a better "settle".

 

You are right. It is a risk. It's a real fear. Something every single person struggles with. Yet, life is ultimately unknown.

 

Sure, this guy seems like a sure thing. Sure, by passing him up, you might never find "a better" prospect.

 

But life happens. He might lose his job. Have an accident and be unable to work. Fall ill and die.

 

None of us know what's around the corner.

 

I've known people, to whom "duty" is everything. For those types, I believe "settling" works, because keeping their promises matters more to them than "feelings" or being "happy".

 

They stay, because they made a commitment.

 

I guess from my own perspective is that without love, real, authentic love for the other person, I don't know what keeps people together during those times when rationally, they should call it quits.

[Leigh 87]

I guess what I'm realising is, what is that I am so afraid to be missing out on? Surely chemistry goes, and once you have that familiarity with someone it all boils down to the same thing and whether or not you had chemistry to begin with won't matter. Right?

 

I want kids, but I'd never intentionaly bring kids into the world if I knew I wasn't going to be with their father for long. I guess the real issue is, at my age I want the stability and that person who is around and who 'has your back'. Hard words for someone who is super independent but I guess the need is part of the "ageing" process.

 

Finally, for all of those who think people should wait for the "right one" to come along I was wondering WHEN do you give up the wait? When do you give up and 'settle'? What if that person never comes or if he does he is married etc etc and you end up at 80 with no family just because you persisted in waiting for the special one. This has been playing on mind.. because if I'm going to give up and settle in a couple of years I might as well give up now and settle for a great guy who ticks all the boxes and has been a genuine friend who I like hanging out with. I just don't think I'll get a better "settle".

 

 

Chemistry doesn't go.

 

Some couples actually do want to still rip each others clothes off.

[newmoon]

Finally, for all of those who think people should wait for the "right one" to come along I was wondering WHEN do you give up the wait? When do you give up and 'settle'? What if that person never comes or if he does he is married etc etc and you end up at 80 with no family just because you persisted in waiting for the special one. This has been playing on mind.. because if I'm going to give up and settle in a couple of years I might as well give up now and settle for a great guy who ticks all the boxes and has been a genuine friend who I like hanging out with. I just don't think I'll get a better "settle".

 

you won't end up 80 and single and childless if you're realistic about what you're looking for. you can't have a list of criteria that is set in stone, and you have to accept that people are flawed and that you're far from perfect, too. the question you should ask yourself is not: should i settle?, but, what makes me think i am actually better than this person i am 'settling' for? i think many of the 80 year old singles chose to be that way, and many were so set on what they wanted that they didn't accept what they got, which was probably very good in retrospect.

[neowulf]

Just remembered this article;

 

"...While we appreciate that this new doctrine might make some women think twice about dumping a perfectly nice guy just because he chews with his mouth full or uses words like “irregardless,” no guy wants to be a fallback option. We want you to marry us because you love us, not because we’re better than the alternative of ending up as a crazy cat lady. So do us a favour: Don’t settle for us.

 

Frankly, we suspect the concepts of “settling” and “marital bliss” are actually at odds with each other. And besides, guys know the woman with a checklist doesn’t ever really abandon that list — she just represses it. She may try to deny her unreasonable expectations, but they’re still there. They’re always there, below the surface, until one day they explosively reveal themselves in the form of an itemised outburst detailing all of the things she’s sacrificed for her disappointing marriage"

 

Please Don't Settle For Us - AskMen