when someone stops loving you

[RecordProducer]

DEACON, I read your post after I posted mine so I take back some words...you're a guy, you know better. You actually opened my eyes about some things related to my divorce. Not that I care about the ex, but I want to learn things and practice them in the future.

For how long were you in a relationship with her and how long has it been since you broke up? Do you mind if I ask what kind of issues you had? Of course, you don't have to answer that one if you don't feel like.

[darhma]

DeaconFrost

 

Your comments really helped me understand so much of what my ex has done. I think trying to come to grasp with the fact that he NEVER loved me has been very hard. Now I can see that he did but he just gave up on us working out. We just had such a connection...we LITERALY got weak when we were around each other and had passion after 6 years as if we just met. We both would just know things that were going on with each other without ever speaking. Is this common? Will he ever regret this when he cant replace it and come back to me? I have loved 3 other men in my life and never has it been this powerful. Am I just crazy to think that this is irreplacable? I still know things that are going on in his life and then come to find out I am right. It is almost telepathic. Does he not miss me? If he does how can he not call?

[DeaconFrost]

First, off everybody...I am really happy that I can help in the grieving process a bit and gain some understanding and closure. Give me a second to respond to every body individually as you all bring up some valid points.

 

So with the time I have at this moment, I will answer RecordProducer first.

 

I was in my relationship for 8 months...almost 9 if you included the period of limbo. It's not a super long period by any stretch, but it was a fair amount of time none the less. Having said that, we moved REALLY fast. The last solid break up happened January 15 with a two brief attempts at reconciliation that ended on February 17 and March 5 (crazy how I remember all this...tells you how I felt about her) So since the day that we mutually agreed to end it, it has been almost three weeks. Oh, and if it helps I'm 23 and she is 22 young in some respects but probably well ahead in our ages in general.

 

If you want background on how the whole mess came about (which is very insightful in understanding how I came to my decision...and your comments would be pretty cool too...I'm still trying to get over her, but its hard ) check out my previous thread The nitty gritty details. It really fills you in on our relationship...and there is a reply from me that relays why I went back to her.

 

Of course I don't mind talking about what happened. Its mutually beneficial! Basically, I think our issues largely dealt with our degree of compatability and our inability to communicate effectively. To some extent our ability to compromise and hold back on the stubborness also played a role, but I think when you look at the big picture, it all relays back to compatability.

 

For the most part, I didn't feel that she was able to fully give herself to me in the way that a partner should. Alot of this had to do with the fact that she was raised to be independent and had never had a strong relationship that was of any quality before me (and believe me there were plenty of them). I felt unappreciated at times and felt she never listened to my needs or acted on what I needed to feel happy and secure.

 

Sometimes I felt that she would beat me down and totally apply the double standard on me. I didn't call her out on it much, because the last thing I wanted to do was start ANOTHER fight. She said some pretty mean stuff too that just wasn't right. But for the most part, I felt that she was a lot of talk and never seemed to move towards change and improvement. While I know she was very sincere, I just didn't feel like her actions were totally motivated. Plus, I was a little pissed that I had to break up three or four times before she actually started acknowledge what I was trying to tell her. It was like, "well why did it take all of this drama for you to figure this out?"

 

I am a much more affectionate and passionate person than she is. I love the idea of romance and love to simply be in love. I wanted to relish and embrace that fact often...why? Because I felt so passionate about her! But she always felt like I was being dramatic, over-the-top, too needy, and largely doing things for reaction (of course I want reaction...I want to see her happy). Also, our sex life had some tough problems for a while too(which was starting to clear up, but I felt some of the resentment still).

 

There were more little things, but those were things I accepted. It was strange because we both made an observation that at times it felt like the gender roles had switched...strange thing. We tried to compromise very late in the game (which should have happened in the beginning) but I largely felt that asking her to give what I needed was too unnatural for her and for me to dumb it down was making me reserve who I really was.

 

I do want to make it very clear that I am not free from guilt here. I did some silly things that most men do. I jumped to conclusions a lot, worried alot, etc. But, in spite of these things, my experience was that after going back so many times and running into the same things, that things were not necesasarily a figment of my imagination or a complete product of my faults. I may have accentuated these things, but the problems were still there. Needless to say, I had to make the decisions I did, because I was thinking from a perspective of marriage, not a perspective of short-term sustainability. I just didn't feel like we were better together than apart and I felt we were disagreeing on too many things on how a relationship should be.

 

To summarize that last statement, I wanted a relationship that resembled happy lovers as oppossed to best friends. And I knew that the way things were now would only become less intense as the years went on. I know what I needed to feel my relationship would last fifty years and they just weren't there.

 

Ask away and comment as you like. I'll return to some of the other posts hopefully tonight. Ciao!

[InLimbo2]

Met this guy 4 months after his wife left him, we started what we thought would just be a casual thing - but it turned very serious. We were together 18 months, LOTS of rocky road in there in that time. Last May I gave him his wings/freedom - he didn't exercise it much nor did I - and then he asked to come back. We'd been together since. He never really did the work he needed to do to end his marriage/grieve it. We even went to counseling - and the counselor said (and we both agreed) that we needed a break - no contact - for him to do the work he is supposed to do - for him to go to that deep dark place alone and face everything. Problem was - neither of us could stay away from the other. We talked a lot - about his need for this break etc. He said he couldn't ask me to wait, I had my wings - but did admit he didn't want me out with anyone else and his hope was that when he was done that we'd find one another again. I told him ok - but no other women while he was doin this 'work'. Problem was - again - we couldn't stay away from one another. Last Sat we spent the whole day together, the evening, made love (not just sex), and I spent the night. It was sooo hard for both of us to part and me to leave on Sunday.

 

So this event I did NOT want him to go to, I felt it was disrespectful and was in effect advertising himself as being back on the market is this weekend. When I got home Sunday we discussed it again - and he was very honest in that he needs for me to truly let go, as he put it "I need to do this (the time apart) without a safety net" - the safety net being him knowing I'm waiting for him. SO this event because the line in the sand - if he goes, I will never take him back - if he doesn't go, we have a chance in the future. He kept tellin me he's not gonna do anything wrong or disrespecful, just go and hang - and I think him goin over my objections IS disrespectful. He also says he doesn't know, maybe maybe not, ya never know etc when I asked him "do you really think I'd take you back after this?" "do you really think we're gonna end up back together after you do this???"

 

I know that he was unable to 'shut the door' on me like the counselor suggested. And I was willing to shut the door on him if he asked and that is what he needed. But putting it to this extreme.....is he just makin sure I truly have my wings and he is without a safety net?

[upsetnhurt]

In Limbo,

 

LET HIM GO. I appreciate your feelings for him yet let me assure you that he does not know his true feelings for you. It is the wrong timing. His heart needs to heal completely over his past situation for him to fullyh recognize what he has in front of you. I know you want him to be able to do that, right? As long as you progress the way you are, everything will be great for a short time and bam....no reason of yours he will get upset and ask for another break. Don't live your life like this as I have and had my heart broken. Walk away as he is gone, have NC and you will be surprised at how quickly you move on and he is able to heal and really determine where his feelings are.

[InLimbo2]

Oh, I have let him go - and closed the door on him and have no contact! I know that has to happen.

 

And I'm not even shocked that he had to push ME to be the bad guy and shut the door - since he couldn't shut the door himself.

 

Guess I'm just tryin to figure out why he had to make it to this extreme - to risk me never speaking to him again and never coming back to him when he's done the work.

[down.upside]

he stopped loving me so easily it seems. I just think that if you truly love someone, you don't just stop loving them, you probably love them forever, though not as intensely.

 

Knowing how hard it is to work out things together and learn how to live together and have a love together as well as a life. My wife just out of the blue (at least that is how I felt it) talked with me about her lack of feelings and how that stopped being a motivation to keep trying to make the marriage work. It totally hurts and I feel like I am all alone and have nowhere to go. The one person in my life that understands me, doesn't want to do that anymore. I have nobody to fall back on anymore when I need that. So hard, so hurtful. It takes ages to fix this, and I still love her as much as last week and a year ago, etc. We're almost married 5 years and I am just hoping each minute its an issues we're going through like many marriages. But she just doesn't want to continue it. She says there is nobody else, no other external influence and stuff. And I do believe her and I Hope she doesn't lie to me (sure of it that she doesn't). I just never thought it would come to this. Not after the years we were together and all. It feels like she just stopped loving me on that level required to make it work ... just like that. That is so hard, so heavy to live with.

[Kaoru]

This thread made me realize that I'm not the only one who's going through the pain of having someone you love fell out of love with you.

My fiance left me for another woman, after 10 years together. Even though it's been 6 months since we broke up, I'm still wondering how could he moved on that easily and seems like he has forgotten about me. All those years are wasted just like they're nothing. And I had the pleasure of the other woman telling me that me & him were on different paths and he doesn't love me anymore. She also said that no relationship is sacred, if you happened to fall in love with a married man/woman, then by all means pursue it.

The strange thing is after all he's done to me since he met that woman, the pain, the harsh words, the cruelty of flaunting their relationship in front of me, I forgave him.

The question still remains though, am I that bad that he chose her over me?

[darhma]

Kaoru

 

You are not so bad that he left you and went to her. You were so good that he spent 10 years of his life with you. Permanent love is not based on a feeling because feelings change. Permanent love is based on a decision that you are going to love that person for ever. He never truly made that decision in his heart. I am sure he viewed you as an incredible person. I know how bad it hurts but he just decided he wanted to go somewhere else. Some people are not capable of permanent love regardless of who they find. Keep in mind the odds of this rebound love working out are slim.

[seamaid]

Kaoru,

 

I've been through something similar to your situation. How hard it must be for you...

 

Try to remember the good things, like how you and he have ten years worth of good memories and valuable experiences. Think of how he had helped you grow and be grateful for ten years of love. And be grateful for the strength you'll find in yourself now that he has let you go.

 

Now is the time to try all those things you couldn't do with him because you compromised or just didn't have the time (in my case because I was constantly writing to him or thinking about him). I just started learning the guitar and my first bellydancing class starts tonight!

 

As time passes you will realize that your time with him wasn't a loss or a mistake-- it was an experience of many things that meant a lot to you. That was yesterday. Now your priorities have shifted from 'we are/want/need' to 'I am/want/need'. Time to pay attention to and nurture the "I".

 

I'm just glad you've made it this far! You have many sisters and brothers out there who are going through the same journey, enduring the same scrapes and bruises and bouts of overwhelming despair. Just keep moving forward, one step at a time.

[angelj]

these posts are so helpful!

 

im sure someone has read mine in the friends and lovers category...

 

its been hard dealing with the fact that i was dating a guy who was so infatuated with me. he used to tell me we were inevitable and what if we got married and etc.

 

unfortunately the majority of the time we spent getting closer, he was trying to deal/not deal with the fact that he had JUST gotten out of a 4 year relationship.

 

i dont think he ever was ready for it even though he said he was. and unfortunately he was the one who was finally the bad guy and pushed me out. what makes me so mad is that he told someone i was getting on his nerves because i had called him twice. and what makes THAT statement even worse ist hat i had not called him for pleasure or friendship at all...it was strictly business as we work together and by orders from my boss.

 

it just sucks, im moving along just fine because when i asked him why he told someone i had gotten on his nerves (i was unfortunately on the phone with the girl at the same time he said it so i heard it firsthand...) he couldnt answer me. he couldn't even fess up or deny it (at least he didnt try to lie) and he sounded like a bumbling idiot. he knew i was furious, he had never made me furious before in the 2 years ive known him and the 6 months we dated. ive forced myself to move on because i feel like if he really cared he would have called and explained himself and tried to work it out. then again, i know he probably needs this space and i also know that i was ready for just friends as i figured i could just shove my emotions elsewhere but i also know that wouldn't work. its too hard on both of us right now to pretend like we didnt have heavy feelings for one another.

 

i havent spoken to him in a week and luckily he has been out of work due to an injury.

 

i wish i knew if it were all fake, if he got over me/fell out of love, or if he truely does (as he always used to say) picture me in his future. all that talk of extreme and intense chemistry i read on other posts rings true for us as well.

 

hes the only man i have ever felt so strongly for. and the only man i connected with on so many levels.

 

ive moved on but if i do happen to see his car or hear a song or come across a picture i get confused and sad again.

 

its like i dont understand but then again i may never. i guess only time will tell?