Author walkingonair Posted November 28, 2014 Author Share Posted November 28, 2014 How long did it take after you stopped initiating contact before he started to initiate? Previous to that, did you initiate ALL the contact, or most, or was it about equal? I'm going through something similar. He initiated most contact when we got together, things ended, and then when we reconnected, I had to initiate ALL contact myself. It bothered me so much that I ended it again. Now neither one of us are reaching out. I just stopped one day and everyday since then hes been initiating. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author walkingonair Posted November 28, 2014 Author Share Posted November 28, 2014 It was crap, I felt so unloved. He always prioritised video games and seeing his friends over me. I just felt worthless a lot of the time and like I was being clingy or suffocating him for wanting to spend the day with him on a Sunday if we'd slept over the night before. He was so resistant to any form of commitment at all. After four years we finally moved in, after I'd been mentioning it for about two and a half years. Turns out that I suddenly realised the ship had sailed for me. I was past getting excited about it anymore. I realised I had been an idiot, and while he was finally 'ready' to do it, I realised I didn't want it anymore. I want somebody who's excited to take that step with me when it feels right, not somebody who drags their feet for literally years. We split the same day I moved in because I realised that he was never going to mature and I was wasting my time and that I was worth somebody excited to share more than one sleepover a week with their partner after literally years. My present boyfriend for example, only been together since January but were sleeping over almost every night by month two or three and moved in officially after month six, signing a year's lease. Some might say it's crazy and too soon, but we knew of each other for years beforehand and had mutual friends so in that sense I could vouch for him (wouldn't have gone as fast with a total stranger) and well, it just felt right. And after wasting years on somebody who kept me at arm's length for so long I can't tell you how incredible and refreshing it feels to be with somebody who's just as into being with me as I am then. I still kinda feel a bit suspicious and pinch myself wondering if he can really handle spending every night together, which is a sign I think of what being with my ex did to me. I second guess that he might be worrying it's going too fast when he's the one that suggested living together and was the one making all the plans at the start and initiating staying over so much. I think my ex turned me into a bit of a commitment phobe myself, not because I can't do it but because I'm so fearful of it because I worry about a negative outcome, i.e. the guy freaking out and massive arguments. I don't hate the guy and hope he's happy now, but I'm soooo much happier these days in my relationship, even if this ends I know that it's possible to meet somebody who's on the same page, can't wait to be with you and puts you above the other stuff in their life when necessary. Just like I would do for somebody I'm in love with (within reason!). Im sorry you had to go through all that hell:(I'm dating the exact same guy!!I feel so unloved and horrible:( Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted November 28, 2014 Share Posted November 28, 2014 My first thought is that he's dating someone else, and doesn't want her to know that he's also dating you (or others in general). Link to post Share on other sites
Poppygoodwill Posted November 28, 2014 Share Posted November 28, 2014 (edited) I dated a guy who was so much fun and seemed to be such a good match. When we were together, it was like I was the only one in the world for him. But getting together was so difficult. He was so elusive. He wouldn't call at all, or he'd text once and then not again for hours. I felt like I was always chasing him -- even though when we were together he seemed so into me. And if I pulled back, he'd step forward every time, "missing" me...then go right back to being elusive when I was sucked in again. It's crazy making and difficult to break out of because you so easily lose perspective on things. You've got to focus on the crazy making part, instead of the good parts - that will help keep it in perspective. Finally nearly out of my mind with frustration and confusion, I approached a friendly colleague whom I knew he had dated sometime before me. She took one look at my face when I walked in her office and said, "He's driving you crazy, isn't he?" We both laughed. "How did you stand it?" I asked. She had dated him for about eight months; I'd only be seeing him four. "The drugs helped," she said wryly. And then we had a good chat about him, comparing notes. I broke it off with not long after that conversation, knowing then that it really wasn't about me, it was about him. That was the way he was and clearly he wasn't going to change for me. And I wanted - and deserved -- better than that. You should too. Edited November 28, 2014 by Poppygoodwill 2 Link to post Share on other sites
veggirl Posted November 28, 2014 Share Posted November 28, 2014 "commitment phobes" are guys who use you for sex and maybe some companionship but don't REALLY LIKE YOU. once they meet a girl they REALLY LIKE, you are dunzo and they are suddenly able to commit! stop wasting your time. he's not going to wake up one day and suddenly LIKE YOU MORE. Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted November 28, 2014 Share Posted November 28, 2014 (edited) You keep creating these threads, breaking your brain trying to figure out this guy when it's really very simple. He's not invested in you. He won't commit to you. Initiating contact everyday means absolutely nothing -- my ex contacted me in the morning and evening but was dating/cheating on me with others. Probably why he never had time to see me. You're grasping at little straws when he clearly is showing you you're not a priority but an option for him. He saw you ONCE in a month. Wake up. Stop focusing on meaningless contact. If he's not dating you, seeing you, emotionally bonding with you, progressing with you, making time for you, being with you -- it would be time to let go. Stop desperately trying to make him want, like or accept you. And if he's not dating you, judging from what he said, it seems that you're just someone he hangs out with. Now you know. No deep meaning into it. Edited November 28, 2014 by Zahara Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted November 28, 2014 Share Posted November 28, 2014 If you are having sex with him I would say you are just a FWB. Please don't try to make his daily contact your gauge for how much he likes you. He probably does this with lots of girls not just you. Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted November 28, 2014 Share Posted November 28, 2014 There is no such thing as a commitmentphobe. People either want to commit or they don't. This guy is clearly not committed and is keeping his options open and considers himself on the open dating market. I suggest you do the same. You are a booty call and people have been spelling this out for you clearly. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted November 28, 2014 Share Posted November 28, 2014 Watch this - Link to post Share on other sites
Itspointless Posted November 28, 2014 Share Posted November 28, 2014 "commitment phobes" are guys who use you for sex and maybe some companionship but don't REALLY LIKE YOU. once they meet a girl they REALLY LIKE, you are dunzo and they are suddenly able to commit! stop wasting your time. he's not going to wake up one day and suddenly LIKE YOU MORE. NO no no no, not only guys, also many woman!! Commitment phobes, hate term term, as it grabs together a whole bunch of things/problems. Some for example just can't, they want you near when you are not with them and want you out when you are with them. Some psychologist describe it with: 'wanting you in my house not in my room'. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted November 28, 2014 Share Posted November 28, 2014 Watch this - Why guys don't commit to women - Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted November 28, 2014 Share Posted November 28, 2014 I said this in your other post but I'll address it further here. There is no such thing as a commitmentphobe. That is a mythical term made up by women who want to hold on to hope that some guy they have the hots for will come around and be their knight in shining armor. That myth is also propagated by men who just want to keep chicks around to bang at their convenience and not take the relationship any farther. Guys don't commit to a particular because they don't want to. If they come across a gal they want to be with full time forever, they will. This guy of yours will eventually meet some gal and will be engaged and making wedding plans and looking at houses and discussing baby names within a matter of months of meeting her. No man on the planet "fears" commitment. There are just very very very very few women that they want to commit to. He doesn't fear commitment, he just doesn't want to commit to you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted November 28, 2014 Share Posted November 28, 2014 (edited) It is a slippery slope for sure to date a man with commitment issues. If you read my thread called "Crossroads", you will see that. I normally would not continue dating someone whom I had identified to be a commitment phobe. However, you have to look at the whole person before proceeding with that type of man. Listen closely to him when he talks about past relationships, watch closely what he does while he is with you. Look at his current life as a whole. In my case, the man I am with now, has a very full life and is committed in other ways in his life. He's committed to his sons, his family, his church, other activities. He is emotionally available, even though he's been hurt. He's not closed off. He is open with himself and does and says a lot of very caring things. If he were emotionally cut off, I'd have bailed a long time ago. If you've decided that this man is someone you want in your life, you need to let him come to you in his own time. That doesn't mean you wait it out forever, but you make it "safe" for him to come to you. You be open and communicate to him your wants for your future in a non-confrontational and non-pressured way. What you say and HOW you say it will be the difference. If you say things in a way that even remotely looks to him like he's being pressured or trapped or what have you, he's done. Don't use "You didn't do . . . you aren't, you can't, etc. You say something like, I loved it when you did such and such or I like it when a man calls me every day. No negativity. YOu can get your point across without being negative. However, if you are looking to get married this whole scenario is more difficult. If the man you are dating is a commitment phobe, and is emotionally cut off and doesn't want marriage, you may be spitting in the wind. But your role in this stays the same. He could change his mind, but it's pretty unlikely if he's a true commitment phobe. In my case, I am older, have been married (30 years) and I'm not looking for marriage. I just want someone significant in my life. I've explained my desires and needs to the man I am dating and he was receptive. He's now doing things that show me he wants more and is taking some time to see how this will all fit into his life (he's retiring in July). It may not work out in the long run and I'm prepared for that. In the meantime, I'm enjoying the time with him. That's important. Be relaxed, enjoy each other. If you're having difficulties and arguments, etc. already, it's probably not going to work out. If you really like this man, enjoy the time you spend with him without pressure on you or him. Take it a little at a time. If you're not sure about him at all, I'd bail now. Edited November 28, 2014 by Redhead14 Link to post Share on other sites
Itspointless Posted November 28, 2014 Share Posted November 28, 2014 No man on the planet "fears" commitment. There are just very very very very few women that they want to commit to. He doesn't fear commitment, he just doesn't want to commit to you. Sorry man, but this statement is not true. Look for dismissive-avoidant attachment, fearful-avoidant attachment and attachment disorders. It has very little to do with concious decisions or even being aware of it. Precisly for this reason the term commitment phobe is awful, it grabs together a lot of diferent things people actually can have plus some non-existent things. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Rachelmcandrew Posted November 28, 2014 Share Posted November 28, 2014 We can go back and forth forever wondering about whether or not commitmentphobia exists but regardless, the OP's situation isn't healthy. Whether he's CP or not isn't even the point, he's messing you around and its time to let go. I dated someone exactly like this, who wanted me when he couldn't have me and didn't when he could, and who I felt like I was constantly chasing, because he was always elusive, and who never really involved me in his life and pretty much gave me a nervous breakdown and landed me in therapy when I came back down to earth and realised what I had been putting up with. You need to take a step back from this man and take a good long look at yourself and the situations you've been allowing yourself to get into, because I'm sure you, like I did, have a few self esteem issues to work out. It's hard to admit but most people who put up with a CP or, if you don't believe in them, someone who acts like a CP, for a long period of time, has some sort of part deep down where they don't believe they're worthy of a full blown, equal, balanced loving relationship. I certainly didn't. Take some time out, don't date, figure out what you want and then try dating again. I did that and I'm now seeing the most amazing guy I've ever dated, who I never have to chase, involves me in his life and is just the best thing ever. Good luck. xo Link to post Share on other sites
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