Should I just be patient with this girl?

[angel.eyes]

Let's take a step back and look at the bigger picture. It's largely irrelevant if you enjoy the dates or how into you and excited she seems to you on these dates. The truth is you're struggling to get another date each time and she's doing NOTHING to make the next date happen. That's not how things progress in dating. That's definitely not the behavior of someone who really wants to date you or is excited to be with you. At best, you're an option she would like to keep on the hook just in case.

 

Some daters just know to walk away when they encounter this. Some need to be burned a few times before they learn to walk away. Either way, eventually you'll learn to move on when someone behaves like this because you are just wasting your time.

[CONMAN]

Yeah, I hear you. I guess I'm just mostly thrown off balance. I've met hot and cold girls before, but this girl was totally all over me and showing me off everywhere and excited to get together again, then just nothing. It's disappointing, but I have enough common sense to just leave it be if I'm not getting anything in return.

[angel.eyes]

"Excited" to date, but not excited enough to agree to specifics for the next date with you without a struggle:/ Unfortunately, she's not really interested in progressing things with you. Otherwise getting a concrete date with her wouldn't be such a struggle each time. It's the outcome that matters--repeated delays to get another date with no help from her--that tells you what you need to know.

[CONMAN]

Yeah I know. It was just kinda out of nowhere. She was always so easy to make plans with, then suddenly after we met last time, which I would actually say was one of our best meetings, she got distant. Everything was fine when I first started making the next plans, I asked when she was free, she quickly told me possible days, then when it rolled around she couldn't make it, and since then she hasn't been conversing much. Not really sure what could have happened in that few days time?

[angel.eyes]

It happens. Maybe she discovered some incompatibility, or she simply lost interest, or she met someone else, or she reprioritized,...the laundry list of potential reasons is extensive. The bottom line though is unfortunately you're no longer dating, and it's time to redirect your efforts elsewhere where the outcome may be more promising.

[Mave]

My girl did the same thing - spent an entire month in contact , sent photos, told me I can't wait to see you, hours on the phone with me to only tell me when I came back that she is busy.

 

Apparently woman love attention and will go through all these lengths to play games and string you on. I'm surprised as you are man

 

She tells me she can't be in a rel now with me because she isn't ready - and she wishes I was patient and understanding but right NOW she can't want a relationship lol. 2 weeks later she's on a date with someone else that I saw on Instagram randomly. That's my answer right there

 

The exact same thing happened to me, and I can totally relate.

 

I was dating this girl who said the same things, was all about "career first", and how she only had time to finish school and map out her career, and nothing else.

 

Guess what, I found out she was dating another guy on the side, and they were holding hands at one point. I would have been okay with that if she was honest about wanting to date multiple people.

 

She wasn't. She simply wanted attention from multiple guys, and even told me that the guys she hung out with were just "friends". Only when I confronted her with the fact that they were holding hands (one of my guy friends told me), did I find out that they were also "dating".

 

I learnt not to be so naive, and grew up a lot. I wish the OP the best as well.

[RebelWithoutACause]

She's just not that into you.

 

I'm sorry for pointing out the obvious.

[787Dreamliner]

I understand how you feel, conman! I think it's best to ignore these girls for a while and see whether they get back to you. If they don't, move on! Remember, there are lots of girls out there, more mature ones too.

[wwejonathan]

This is one of the common problem for alot of guys. Sometime the girls is just really busy and you just have to ping a good timing. If you can not get her out within, say a week, then you really need to start once a week phone call (we can go over proper phone technique later) is very important to keep that level of connection. Another thing is post your text message chain and i will give you more feed back.

 

In general if you are asking a girl out. Try to be firm and let her agree to exact date and time, it really reduce flake rate. Also you can let her agree to date over the phone is 10 times better than over the text.

 

Another thing is you can passive frame (psychology) ´i hate flaking´ by embedded that meaning in to a story. That helps a lot also

 

hope that help

[wwejonathan]

I understand how you feel, conman! I think it's best to ignore these girls for a while and see whether they get back to you. If they don't, move on! Remember, there are lots of girls out there, more mature ones too.

 

Yes while have a abundance mentality with girl is the BEST inner belief fix. But alot of guys are struggle to meetup and start a relationship in situation of area like street, shopping mall, party,night club. Getting good with meeting woman from those place will inprove your abundance and confidence rate. Literally if a girl flake on me, i know i can go out to shopping mall and take another girl home that day, than your approach to woman flake will be very difference

 

Now having say that, if you ignore girl simply because i want to see if they get back to you, you will be disappointed. Thats not a healthy mind set, but if you ignore girl because you have a busy life, busy social life, you have your passion, that's differenct story. Why is it important? because i convey in every those little details that girl will pickup on wheather you have an attractive lifestyle or not. it show in your text message time/speed, it show in your text message cotent, it shows when you talke to girl in person. A guy with attractive life style will have very different content than a boring lifestyle, and they don't even know they are conveying it. thats the sad part

[CONMAN]

Well after about 4 days of me not contacting her, she texted me today saying "Hey things will get better for me next week. I'm really sorry for not getting back to you :(". Good sign?

[GemmaUK]

Well after about 4 days of me not contacting her, she texted me today saying "Hey things will get better for me next week. I'm really sorry for not getting back to you :(". Good sign?

 

Great sign!

 

 

She is interested.

 

 

She is just darn busy. I'm in the same boat at the moment with work and to be honest I don't even know if my mobile is charged up as I haven't even pulled it out of my bag for 2 days.

 

 

She also is not a massive texter as you mentioned before so to her 4 days is not a lot in the scheme of things. But she did apologise so is very aware that for you it may have been too long. That means she is considerate and prepared to compromise.

 

 

You can either call her out on it or show that you are happy to hear from her and are supportive of her situation. A man who is supportive to me and understanding would win over the guy who calls me out on it hands down!

[RebelWithoutACause]

Well after about 4 days of me not contacting her, she texted me today saying "Hey things will get better for me next week. I'm really sorry for not getting back to you :(". Good sign?

 

Yes it is but only if you enjoy scraps of attention and people who like to keep you hanging.

[CONMAN]

Thanks for your replies UK. Your advice has seemed to apply to my situation the best, and you realize she could very well just be busy rather than she is a jerk of a girl.

[GemmaUK]

Thanks for your replies UK. Your advice has seemed to apply to my situation the best, and you realize she could very well just be busy rather than she is a jerk of a girl.

 

 

 

You're welcome and I sincerely hope that this develops into something.

 

 

My view is when it's really just right at the beginning then there could well be hiccups and differences in communication.

I believe that is why people need to just relax and see how things go for a while.

 

 

Also, to be totally honest, my worst relationships have been when there was a lot of contact in the beginning with no spaces or hiccups. The guys continued to over communicate and I got smothered by it.

My best relationships have had all of that on both sides (communication spaces and hiccups that is) in the beginning due to various valid reasons. Once we got together things were chilled and it was fun to date and go further into the relationship.

 

 

Plus for any RS that could go any kind of distance I would choose the guy who was not as communicative.

He is likely to have an active life and is less tied to mobiles etc.

It doesn't mean he isn't thinking of me nor me not thinking of him. It just means they/me get in touch when we want to rather than feeling obligated to.

Like a work/life balance I also think healthy relationships come from a relationship/life balance.

 

 

Good luck!

Don't expect nor assume anything just now. Just relax and wait and see how it pans out.

[RebelWithoutACause]

She got in touch because she wants to keep your interest at a reasonable level. She knows you like her, enjoys your attention and the ego boost she gets from it, and she'd like to keep you around for when she's bored and her other entertainment options are unavailable.

 

That's not to say she doesn't like you but you're in no way a priority for her, you're a back-burner guy. And it sounds like you'd like to be more, otherwise you wouldn't be posting here about her.

 

You see, the problem is not that she's busy. The real red flags are her not getting back in touch, not following up on promises and the general flakiness.

 

BTW I don't see anything positive in her last message, it's just more carrot dangling to make sure you hang around.

[phineas]

She got in touch because she wants to keep your interest at a reasonable level. She knows you like her, enjoys your attention and the ego boost she gets from it, and she'd like to keep you around for when she's bored and her other entertainment options are unavailable.

 

That's not to say she doesn't like you but you're in no way a priority for her, you're a back-burner guy. And it sounds like you'd like to be more, otherwise you wouldn't be posting here about her.

 

You see, the problem is not that she's busy. The real red flags are her not getting back in touch, not following up on promises and the general flakiness.

 

BTW I don't see anything positive in her last message, it's just more carrot dangling to make sure you hang around.

 

Just as I said earlier.

 

Next week will come around and he still won't get a date for some reason or other.

Then it'll be how long since he's seen her?

 

 

Nb4 angry rant from op. Lol

[CONMAN]

I'm sorry to burst your bubble, but we were both in our hometown (same town) and we got together before splitting off for our families thanksgivings, and she initiated the meet up. She also set up another date next Monday. So I hate to be the bearer of bad news to you bud

 

She said when she was working, she doesn't have reception and they timed out and never came through. May be true, may not, but either way she set up 2 dates since she texted me the other day. i guess you don't know every girl, huh?

[phineas]

I'm sorry to burst your bubble, but we were both in our hometown (same town) and we got together before splitting off for our families thanksgivings, and she initiated the meet up. She also set up another date next Monday. So I hate to be the bearer of bad news to you bud

 

She said when she was working, she doesn't have reception and they timed out and never came through. May be true, may not, but either way she set up 2 dates since she texted me the other day. i guess you don't know every girl, huh?

 

Then why this thread if everything is so peachy and you know exactly where you stand?

 

Denial. It is not just a river in Egypt.

[GemmaUK]

I'm sorry to burst your bubble, but we were both in our hometown (same town) and we got together before splitting off for our families thanksgivings, and she initiated the meet up. She also set up another date next Monday. So I hate to be the bearer of bad news to you bud

 

She said when she was working, she doesn't have reception and they timed out and never came through. May be true, may not, but either way she set up 2 dates since she texted me the other day. i guess you don't know every girl, huh?

 

*grins*

 

 

Just wait and see.

I would not go contacting nor setting up dates if I wasn't interested.

I just might get busy and would hope to gawd a guy realises that you just get busy sometimes.

 

 

We have bills to pay, work to do, other stuff to do just the same as a guy.

We may not go all gooey and blow your phone up..but it doesn't mean we are not into you..not at all!

[CONMAN]

This thread because at the time, I wasn't getting much communication from her, directly after she was showing lots of interest, and I was confused as to why. But she has since reached out and set up multiple dates without me initiating them, so at the moment, it's just peachy.

 

Kinda sounds like you are in denial, and for some strange reason too lol. You seem to really wish everything fails just so you aren't completely wrong?

 

Also thank you again UK, you've definitely been the most reliable and helpful source of information on this thread !

[RebelWithoutACause]

we got together before splitting off for our families thanksgivings, and she initiated the meet up.

 

So based on what you've posted so far she sent you the apology text on Wed (26th) and you met up the following day which would have been yesterday (27th)?

 

BTW there's no need to get so defensive when people post things you don't want to hear.

[GemmaUK]

I think it must just be me but if I hit a busy patch then communication to friends, family etc all has to become not such a priority for me.

However, what makes me think it's not just me is that equally my friends and family are the same.

 

 

Sometimes life does get hectic and then if there is anything else going on aside from work evenings can end up being spent sorting out other things.

Looking at the bigger picture stress is so prominent in life these days, we all seem to work longer hours, life is much more expensive and many of us don't get pay rises in line with inflation.

On top of those things we have this lovely thing called social media and also mobile phones - which can be great for keeping in touch but can also be time draining.

I know people who expect me to know all that is going on in their life because I am a friend of theirs on facebook.

I rarely log in as I don't have the time. I am however expected to by certain people.

 

 

When I have hit busy times before it has never crossed my mind that 'hey I am dangling a carrot' and seeing how much a guy will tolerate.

I am just purely busy and sometimes I just want to sit quiet and read a book to relax rather than start up communication with someone when I know I have maybe another week of long hours and not enough time in the day to get what I need to do done.

 

 

I am also considerate that other people have busy times too and that is perfectly OK.

I don't get all het up if someone is unable to get back to me.

The thing is that when they do they do apologise and also they are appreciative of the fact that I am not het up but also wasn't blowing up their phone demanding an answer.

 

 

We live in a world these days where people seem to want everything right now.

Patience is a virtue - used to be a phrase - these days it is rarely used.

 

 

The OP has been patient.

The lady was busy.

She is now not so busy.

She is initiating contact and dates.

She apologised and explained.

The OP took it all in his stride and now all is peachy and her actions have shown to her that he is a considerate individual. Her actions are showing appreciation for that and also showing that she is interested but..well..has a busy life sometimes.

 

 

I can see nothing wrong here and I wish them both all the best.

Consideration, respect and trust all go hand in hand.

Relationships would never get off the ground without all three.

But alongside that patience has to play a part too these days and for me it's right up there in importance with consideration, respect and trust.

[phineas]

So based on what you've posted so far she sent you the apology text on Wed (26th) and you met up the following day which would have been yesterday (27th)?

 

BTW there's no need to get so defensive when people post things you don't want to hear.

 

But, did he kiss her?

Because that is what he wants.

Not to be just friends.

 

And he is getting defensive because he really isn't as confident on things with this woman as he claims.

 

GemmaUK - are you honestly going to tell us that you would go 4 days without texting a guy you were into? That you have been so busy you couldn't take 5 seconds to send a text?

 

I don't buy it.

If I'm active on a dating site and a woman takes 4 days to get back to me I can promise you:

 

1. my dance card will be already full.

2. if she was really interested in me she'd be afraid of that and wouldn't of waited 4 days to get back to me.

 

one day?

sure.

Two? not unheard of.

but past two days = I'm option B or C or they are just not that into me but my attention is better than nothing.

Edited November 28, 2014 by phineas

[CONMAN]

I didn't get defensive because you said she might not be interested lol, I wanted to hear peoples opinions, I was open to all opinions. I got "defensive" because you came in he and just threw out an answer like it was concrete, and you were pretty rude, acting like you had all the answers, and I was ignoring anything that wasn't what I wanted to hear that was coming from you guys. That wasn't the case for any of those. If you are going to act like a snob right off the bat, I'm not gonna be very respectful towards you.

 

I also don't see where you see me being defensive? You came in acting pretty rude and arrogant, and when I questioned your black and white answer, you've been grasping at straws to prove me wrong back and forth. Lack of confidence? I posted a question asking why she might be acting like she was, and it has since improved. Why would I be lacking confidence in the situation. I'm not being 'defensive', I'm just not being very respectful of you since you came in here and just threw out your answer and started acting like you knew everything. When I questioned it, you got even more rude. I'm not going to have much respect for you. It's one thing to say I might be wrong and you might be right, but you just assumed that all people are the same, case closed.

 

I also don't think the fact that I have not kissed her yet means anything. My last girlfriend lasted for over 2 years, and I didn't kiss her for a good 4 months after I started getting to know her. People are different from one another, there isn't a set in stone rule of "Kiss her by week 3 or she isn't interested".

Edited November 29, 2014 by CONMAN