Is it even worth getting married anymore?

[WomenWubber]

I read before that 30-60% of people in marriages will cheat. And 40-50% of marriages end in divorce. So why are people even still getting married if there's a HUGE risk of it not ending well? It just seems marriage isn't sacred anymore, and almost seems pointless. Your thoughts?

 

Because no risk, no reward.

 

Personally I don't like it, but marriage is still an important life goal for most people. In general, people want to get married at least once. And those who don't want to at first, end up adopting the whole idea when they find a partner they just can't afford to lose.

[Allumere]

Correct. It's worse. Someone you love dying and leaving you on your own for the rest of your life is worse than some tramp cheating on you.

 

This struck me as I have always thought just the opposite. If you have experienced a loss I am certainly not trying to be insensitive or make light of that....these are just my thoughts based on my personal experiences. There are all kinds of scenarios here that could certainly shift the view of pain (i.e, suddenness of death, suicide, who cheated, who left, etc) from the experience, but in a generic sense I view death in many instances as not something the other person would choose..it just happened...verses cheating/dumping, leaving the marriage which involves choices...choices that we didn't have a say in, that forever changes us....rejection is crippling. I think that is where I see the difference...death isn't a rejection, they didn't leave because they didn't love us where as the other scenario that is usually what it comes down to.

 

AS far as marriage being worth it? Yeah, I think the potential exist. You have to be willing to take the risk just like everything else in life.

[RedRobin]

Aren't you always criticizing men for not wanting to marry?

 

 

I criticize some men for thinking that the deck is stacked against them in marriage. Most married men I know have it a lot better than their wives. They get to have their careers and time with the guys, while their wives also work and do more of the household chores and child rearing... not to mention the emotional support that lots of women are obliged to get from their friends and other family members instead of their H's. I really don't see much benefit to women getting married unless they want kids. The guys are the ones who are a liability now. Maybe that is why the divorce rates are so high.

 

 

Don't hate me for saying so... but I've observed men who are much better fathers AFTER a divorce compared to when they were married. They actually have to do fathering stuff and do more than provide a paycheck.

 

 

When I hear men crab about marriage, they are crabbing about divorce... not marriage... and even those laws are changing.

[Quiet Storm]

Marriage is definitely worth it, especially when you have kids. Having both parents in the same home raising the kids is the optimal environment for them, IMO (unless there is abuse, addiction, blatant disrespect happening).

 

If after 23 years together, my husband were to leave me tomorrow, I would never say my marriage wasn't worth it. I got three amazing kids out of the deal, decades of great memories and I'm loved by his awesome family. We've experienced so much together and shared a history, so regardless of the outcome, it's irreplaceable & valuable to me.

 

A marriage is like long novel, with many chapters. Some good, some bad. Chapters filled with romance & passion. Others with stress & pain. Chapters filled with joy & hope. Others with sorrow & grief.

 

So even if the final chapter is divorce, it wouldn't negate the good stuff. I could never decide my marriage was not worth it.

[carhill]

Is it even worth getting married anymore?

 

Overall, I have no strong opinion. At my age, I'm noticing more folks not getting married, except for estate planning, health care and tax purposes. Marriage is still a pretty quick and cheap way of forming a legal partnership with certain benefits that some people value.

 

I would expect as my peers parents die off, and my generation dies off, and with it the vestiges of the 'old ways', marriage for aging people will be less and less a socialized vehicle for cohabitation or 'love'. Folks who spent some or their whole lives cohabiting without being married will be unlikely to change their minds in old age, and such demographics are on the rise, though clearly not in the majority yet. The remaining variable IMO will be how organized religion impacts demographics, as most have been a strong supporter of contractual unions like marriage in the spiritual sense. I don't follow that stuff so don't know where it's going these days.

 

As an old guy with modest means, I don't expect to experience a woman of my generation seeing that package as worth getting married to. That's based on a lifetime of interaction with women and, to a certain degree, what I read in these forums daily. I'm OK with that. Gave marriage and reproduction a good shot. Other things in life to do.

[FitChick]

OP: Aren't you putting the cart before the horse? Find a woman to date first.

[NJ123]

OP: Aren't you putting the cart before the horse? Find a woman to date first.

 

Wait, so you're saying because I'm not dating anyone I can't voice my opinion on Marriage? I'm not 100% against it, but it's not something I'd want in my 30s. If I were to get married it would be when I'm quite a bit older.

[scatterd]

eah, no. Things have changed but it wasn't because things were so rosy back in the "good old days". Then men cheated, women who did were more than frowned upon, and women were blamed when men cheated. And the financial ability for a woman to divorce, as well as the social stigma tied to it, were such that few woman divorced. You were seen as a "sexual woman" and not married made you a harlot.

 

Let's not try and paint it as this Norman Rockwell painting. While, yes, there were fewer divorces, it wasn't that people were better, different, or more moral. eah, no. Things have changed but it wasn't because things were so rosy back in the "good old days". Then men cheated, women who did were more than frowned upon, and women were blamed when men cheated. And the financial ability for a woman to divorce, as well as the social stigma tied to it, were such that few woman divorced. You were seen as a "sexual woman" and not married made you a harlot.

 

Let's not try and paint it as this Norman Rockwell painting. While, yes, there were fewer divorces, it wasn't that people were better, different, or more moral.

 

I do believe that people have less morals now then in earlier days. Having babies out of wed lock was considered wrong and woman judged by it. My Aunt herself had to give her baby away because of how she would be judged it broke her heart. Woman that was in bars was usually not the good girls in town.times have changed and if you hunted for married men you was considered a home breaker and people talked and avoided them. As time gos by marriage is becoming less desirably. Many people do not stick with their mates like they did when my grandparents was young. Back earlier in time people got killed or ran were out of of community's for cheating. Nothing Norman Rockwell about it. They even have a name for hunting for married men now. Who wants to marry under circumstances of a divorce.Their is many reasons but marriage is not as desirable as it was and its also due to history of woman not being able o work and being kept. I am personaly disapointed in marriage a doubt to do it again. Also I

want my children to be able to take care of their self's and not fall into staying home just taking care of baby's. Its sad because children need it.

Due to what I have experienced and seen its to easy to divorce if things are not perfect.

[GravityMan]

The 40-60% divorce statistic that's often mentioned is utterly irrelevant and meaningless to any one individual. It does not equate to marriage being a coin flip, and to think otherwise is naive. The stat is way too broad and thus has no significance.

 

People who don't rush into marriage, take compatibility seriously, and spend a decent amount of time in the bf/gf phase before tying the knot are significantly less likely to divorce. They took the time to know their partners and themselves really well. I'd guess that only 10-20% of those people end up in divorce.

 

Marriage is the right thing for some people, and isn't right for others. Simple as that. Figure out which side of the fence you're on and don't worry about what others do or think.

[Emilia]

The 40-60% divorce statistic that's often mentioned is utterly irrelevant and meaningless to any one individual. It does not equate to marriage being a coin flip, and to think otherwise is naive. The stat is way too broad and thus has no significance.

 

People who don't rush into marriage, take compatibility seriously, and spend a decent amount of time in the bf/gf phase before tying the knot are significantly less likely to divorce. They took the time to know their partners and themselves really well. I'd guess that only 10-20% of those people end up in divorce.

 

Marriage is the right thing for some people, and isn't right for others. Simple as that. Figure out which side of the fence you're on and don't worry about what others do or think.

You really have to start posting more often.

[ComingInHot]

Yea, NJ. Even now, after everything, I still think it is worth it.

 

Don't give up before it has even happened honey ( I get to call people 'honey' now that I am 'an older woman' lol*), you may miss out and you shouldn't miss out on anything!

CiH*

[Toodaloo]

I read that there's a 99.99999% chance you'll lose if you play the lottery. So why do people play?

 

Hope.

 

Pandoras box was opened long ago...

 

I hope to get married some day. Difference is that it will not be on a whim or to "fix" things. It will be because I want to make a life long commitment to a person.

 

I don't suppose anyone gets married with the intention of divorce but I suspect that many marriages are unintentionally conducted for the wrong reasons these days.

 

I have been asked to get married for all the wrong reasons so many times. Is it any wonder I said no each time? A ring on a finger is not going to solve deeper problems.

 

Then my back ground is very stable. Both sets of grandparents have been married for over 65 years. One set nearly hit their 70th wedding anniversary but my Grandfather sadly passed away. Parents have been married well over 40 years... All have had ups and downs, all have come close at some point, but the commitment to the relationship and family unit has been there.

 

My parents knew they would get married on their first date. I don't know about one set, but the other set of grandparents also knew they would get married on their first date. I am not talking birds singing, violins playing, "we are all living in la la land" knew. I am talking very practical and quiet, "if worst comes to the worst we can make it" knew.

[truncated]

Hope.

 

Pandoras box was opened long ago...

 

I hope to get married some day. Difference is that it will not be on a whim or to "fix" things. It will be because I want to make a life long commitment to a person.

 

I don't suppose anyone gets married with the intention of divorce but I suspect that many marriages are unintentionally conducted for the wrong reasons these days.

 

I have been asked to get married for all the wrong reasons so many times. Is it any wonder I said no each time? A ring on a finger is not going to solve deeper problems.

 

Then my back ground is very stable. Both sets of grandparents have been married for over 65 years. One set nearly hit their 70th wedding anniversary but my Grandfather sadly passed away. Parents have been married well over 40 years... All have had ups and downs, all have come close at some point, but the commitment to the relationship and family unit has been there.

 

My parents knew they would get married on their first date. I don't know about one set, but the other set of grandparents also knew they would get married on their first date. I am not talking birds singing, violins playing, "we are all living in la la land" knew. I am talking very practical and quiet, "if worst comes to the worst we can make it" knew.

 

My husabnd and I got "engaged" on our second date ( not formal, but we both thought marrying each other was in the cards for us), and have been married nearly 20 years now.

 

We were definatly more the "quiet" type you mention than the la la land type. Iwonder if there is any correlation?

[Copelandsanity]

My husabnd and I got "engaged" on our second date ( not formal, but we both thought marrying each other was in the cards for us), and have been married nearly 20 years now.

 

We were definatly more the "quiet" type you mention than the la la land type. Iwonder if there is any correlation?

 

Research on marriage have shown that there are three attributes that dictate whether it will be successful or not: being nice, positive, and down-to-earth. So yes, there is a correlation. People that have flighty, free-spirited personalities and value novelty are at a higher-risk to commit infidelity. Which makes sense...that sort of person will eventually tire of their partner down the line and seek to attain the feeling of the honeymood period with someone else, aka the infamous GIGS. The factors that have least to do with a successful marriage are income and physical attractiveness.

 

So it makes a lot of sense to me why there is so much divorce (50%), separation (10-15%), and chronic unhappiness in marriage (7%)....as well as unhappy relationships (60%). People value the wrong things - wealth, status, looks - and choose the wrong partner. And most people themselves don't have the necessary attributes to have a successful marriage.

[evanescentworld]

Hope.

 

Pandoras box was opened long ago...

 

Yes, but you do realise Hope was also one of the furies/evils of the world? There was no exception, in that box. The box contained "All the ills of the world".

[No Limit]

Honestly? I can't imagine that guy to even exist that I want to give myself to and commit for life. Being female though marriage at least wouldn't harm me financially.

[Tayken]

I read before that 30-60% of people in marriages will cheat. And 40-50% of marriages end in divorce. So why are people even still getting married if there's a HUGE risk of it not ending well? It just seems marriage isn't sacred anymore, and almost seems pointless. Your thoughts?

 

Women want it more than men because they have more to gain from the business deal.

 

1. chance to get a dress

2. show off to their friends

3. facebook/twitter etc posting

4. they have you where they want you

5. makes for an easy 50% of assets compared to common law

 

There is more to this, but you get the gist. Ask any man what they've gained from this and you will be hard pushed to get a long list.

 

By the way, it's 1 in every 2 marriages that fail. There are many living together that aren't even talking to each other, but do it because they are in debt and it's not feasible to split and sell the house (wrong reason to be in the same house with kids)

 

Being female though marriage at least wouldn't harm me financially.

@OP....you see my point here? Many men are paying child support (meant for the kid(s) for doesn't) and alimony

 

People who don't rush into marriage, take compatibility seriously, and spend a decent amount of time in the bf/gf phase before tying the knot are significantly less likely to divorce.

 

How long have you been married might I ask? Your point then does not apply to 3 people I know who after between 30-37yrs, this past summer decided to call it quits...what happened to them ?

Edited November 21, 2014 by Tayken

[Copelandsanity]

It's worth it if you meet the right person with the right attributes, have gotten to know their real selves over a long period of time, and have the same vision for the future.

 

What do we consistently see though?

 

People marry too soon

People choose the person with wrong attributes

People themselves don't have right attributes

People don't establish a vision for the future with their partner

[Thegreatestthing]

Familiarity breeds contempt.

 

 

I read before that 30-60% of people in marriages will cheat. And 40-50% of marriages end in divorce. So why are people even still getting married if there's a HUGE risk of it not ending well? It just seems marriage isn't sacred anymore, and almost seems pointless. Your thoughts?

[NJ123]

Women want it more than men because they have more to gain from the business deal.

 

1. chance to get a dress

2. show off to their friends

3. facebook/twitter etc posting

4. they have you where they want you

5. makes for an easy 50% of assets compared to common law

 

There is more to this, but you get the gist. Ask any man what they've gained from this and you will be hard pushed to get a long list.

 

By the way, it's 1 in every 2 marriages that fail. There are many living together that aren't even talking to each other, but do it because they are in debt and it's not feasible to split and sell the house (wrong reason to be in the same house with kids)

 

@OP....you see my point here? Many men are paying child support (meant for the kid(s) for doesn't) and alimony

 

 

 

How long have you been married might I ask? Your point then does not apply to 3 people I know who after between 30-37yrs, this past summer decided to call it quits...what happened to them ?

 

Yes of course I know women have nothing to lose in terms of Marriage. In divorce they automatically get half or even a bit more than half of the man's possessions. If there's kids involved usually the women keep the kids while the men gets them for like 2 days a week or every other week. I think that's why a lot of younger men these days aren't getting married as much as in the past. Many young women want marriage, but not men. If I were to ever get married it wouldn't be until I'm in my mid-late 40s at the earliest.