Confession

[ChickenFlower]

Well sadly this is what your going to have to do if you really want your marriage to work. Your not only going to have to figure out how to better relay your feelings your going to have to learn real humility. He not only has to see it he will have to feel it. There will be days that are harder than the previous ones and this is when your going to have to be at your strongest to support him.

 

I sadly am one of those people that believe cheaters do not deserve a second chance. I am not saying its impossible in my mind that people cant change and learn to be better people I am just saying the numbers that are successful are so small its like maybe two or three I have felt I believed after the last year and a half of being on this site and other sites.

 

Your going to seriously need to get yourself into counseling. Your going to have to give up all your freedoms and become totally transparent. No passwords no hiding nothing. Your going to have to honestly welcome this change. If you don't he will see it as your still trying to hide something and you will have doomed your chance of reconciling over something stupid.

 

I would invite him to these sites. I would encourage him to get into counseling as well. He is going to need it.

 

Clay

 

I was only saying that what I am typing may be not be properly conveying the emotion that I do feel ... I am not meaning to come across here as not being completely remorseful. In the last 2 years my husband and I have been very open and honest with our feelings, and he knows very well how much I regret what I did. We have done counseling together, and individually, and since the recent trigger he is in IC again (with the knowledge that I am 100% ready and willing to go with him when and if he wants me to). He has been on this site, and he has seen every word that I have written - there is no hidden agenda whatsoever. He has access to and my passwords to every electronic device/email/social media/etc. He knows where I am at all times that we aren't together, and I let him know what I am doing each day regarding work (if I'm going to be late, have a socializing function for work, etc).

 

My point is, it seems that we are doing most, if not all, of the right things in working our recovery. I know that it's not done, and I am not trying to say that he should be over it - I know that its not easy for him and that he does have bad moments ... or days... or weeks ... and I do my very best to recognize and it and be there for him. I don't always realize (as I said the recent trigger I didn't pick up on and should have), and I'm not perfect 100% of the time, but I try damn hard to let him know in every way possible how much I love him and how much he means to me, AND how grateful and humbled I am that he has forgiven me when I can't forgive myself.

 

That being said, I do want us to continue to move forward with our recovery. Intimacy and sex are a real and important part of any marriage, so I'm just trying to get advice, experiences, thoughts on what we can/should expect, and what I can do to help or if I might be unintentionally setting us back. Even though he and I have discussed it at length, we don't always have all the answers and that's kind of the point of reaching out.

 

I don't know if this helped explain our situation at all or if I made it worse. Thank you all for taking the time to share your thoughts and experiences with me - I do appreciate it.

[Chi townD]

Here's the deal. You betrayed him. Not only did YOU betray him, but he received a double betrayal. That is very hard to get over. You got caught not only having a physical affair on your husband, but an emotional one as well. Now, you can sit here and tell me that you didn't love the OM. That's not what I'm talking about with the emotional. What I mean by it is that you were saying things to him and allowing him to say things to you that were very inappropriate to each other and you enjoyed it. You craved and probably thought about this guy throughout your day. Which tells me that you invested time into another man that wasn't your husband; the man you promised yourself to. That's also going to be very hard for him to reconcile around as well.

 

 

Now, you stated that your sex life improved after DDay but now it's decreased. I'm not surprise. What you were experiencing was something called hysterical bonding. It's nothing more than a primal, subconscious and animalistic response to "reclaim" what he believes to be his. Don't read too much into that. And never take it as a sign of forgiveness. So, he got hot and bothered for a while, but then it fizzled out. That's normal! The best thing you can do is give him time, BUT! make it know that you are still sexually attracted to him. Complement him. Let him know he looks good. Let him know that he's still desirable. Because, his male ego and his confidence are in the toilet right now.

 

 

Here's the rub. You caused this. And I'm pretty sure that your husbands emotions are all over the place. He's on a ride and it's called the rollercoaster of emotions. Question is, are you strong enough to ride this with him?

[Akheron]

First post here. After reading your thread there still some questions that I haven't seen answered yet. For one, has ther been strict no contact between yourself and the OM? Furthermore, has your H been able to say his piece with this so called "best" friend so that he can regain some sort of control as well as have some form of closure with him(OM)? As previous posters have said, this is a double whammy he has to deal with and I just don't get from your other posts that you really understand this.

[ChickenFlower]

First post here. After reading your thread there still some questions that I haven't seen answered yet. For one, has ther been strict no contact between yourself and the OM? Furthermore, has your H been able to say his piece with this so called "best" friend so that he can regain some sort of control as well as have some form of closure with him(OM)? As previous posters have said, this is a double whammy he has to deal with and I just don't get from your other posts that you really understand this.

 

Yes there has been absolutely no contact whatsoever between me and OM since the day it happened. There was one sided contact from the OM to my H recently, but none other that I know of (which I believe my husband would tell me, but it would be his choice).

 

You have a valid point about if my H feels he ever had any closure with the OM. I honestly don't know the answer to that, and have never thought to ask. Thank you for raising a legitimate question that we can talk about.

 

I really must not be a very good writer as I think I must be coming across that I don't fully grasp what I did and the consequences, but I assure you (all) that I really really really and truly do. The "double whammy" is probably the hardest thing that I deal with on my side of things.... I essentially took away his wife and best friend in one fell swoop and I feel like the biggest ****head in the world about that every single day. (Although husband and I both agree he wasn't much of a friend to even start up the whole thing. Don't get me wrong - I'm to blame because I responded to it, but still what kind of friend does that?!)

[jbrent890]

I have to ask. If your husband did not discover this on his own, would you have confessed this?

[Bryanp]

I guess I am just wondering if you really understand the damage you did by doing this with your husband's best friend? This is so damaging on multiple levels that I am unable to truly explain it. The knife could not have been pushed any deeper into your husband knowing it was with his best friend. I am sure your husband has been thinking anybody but not him.

 

I wish you luck and believe that you truly have an amazing husband to forgive something like this. I do hope you truly appreciate what kind of man he is and how much he must love you to endure this. I hope you never forget it again.

[ChickenFlower]

I have to ask. If your husband did not discover this on his own, would you have confessed this?

 

You know, that is a good question .... I have given that a lot of thought in recent weeks since finding this site and reading so many stories.

 

 

I want to be able to say yes, that I would have confessed, even if only because he deserved to know the guy professing to be his best friend was really just a jealous little piece of crud who purposefully was trying to destroy a thing of beauty.....

 

 

However, if I'm being brutally honest (and again with the knowledge that my husband will read this) .... I doubt that I would have. BUT if things hadn't turned out the way they did (with the party and drinking) I am 100% certain that I would NOT have had any physical contact with the OM. As I have mentioned, I was getting bored with the texting and chatting junk by then, AND (believe it or not) there was a part of me that really was starting to think WTF am I doing this for?! So I would like to believe that it would have ended with that, I would have refocused my energy on my marriage, and nobody would have gotten hurt.

 

 

Unfortunately, things turned out the way they did ... and this is probably selfish of me... but I am glad that I did get caught "in the act" (or as close to it as possible) because I DO know that if we somehow hadn't been discovered that night, I would not have been able to live with that secret. If anything I wish that I had gotten caught in the chatting phase (although I think I wanted to get caught then - I was not and am not very good at being secretive!).

[ChickenFlower]

I guess I am just wondering if you really understand the damage you did by doing this with your husband's best friend? This is so damaging on multiple levels that I am unable to truly explain it. The knife could not have been pushed any deeper into your husband knowing it was with his best friend. I am sure your husband has been thinking anybody but not him.

 

I wish you luck and believe that you truly have an amazing husband to forgive something like this. I do hope you truly appreciate what kind of man he is and how much he must love you to endure this. I hope you never forget it again.

 

I wish I could find the right words to express how much I do know the damage I did, and how truly remorseful I am. I guess that I am just not a good writer. I do know. I really do. And I do know how incredibly lucky I am to have such an amazing husband. I let him know as much as humanly possible.

 

 

Thank you for the good wishes.

[SawtoothMars]

Unfortunately, things turned out the way they did ... and this is probably selfish of me... but I am glad that I did get caught "in the act" (or as close to it as possible) because I DO know that if we somehow hadn't been discovered that night, I would not have been able to live with that secret. If anything I wish that I had gotten caught in the chatting phase (although I think I wanted to get caught then - I was not and am not very good at being secretive!).

 

Actually given the state of your marriage at the time... I would be willing to bet that had you not been caught this likely would have developed into a longer term affair.

 

I still think that cheating is a symptom of an intimacy problem. It is unfortunate that you took this road because it destroys intimacy. It is near impossible to feel close to someone who betrayed you.

 

That said... I do wish you luck. Any chance you may be able to get your husband to watch porn with you? I've never floated the idea before... but then I've never seen a situation where it couldn't cause more damage. Perhaps it may arouse some feelings...?...? I still don't understand why he wasn't interested in sex.

[JustJoe]

Actually given the state of your marriage at the time... I would be willing to bet that had you not been caught this likely would have developed into a longer term affair.

 

I still think that cheating is a symptom of an intimacy problem. It is unfortunate that you took this road because it destroys intimacy. It is near impossible to feel close to someone who betrayed you.

 

That said... I do wish you luck. Any chance you may be able to get your husband to watch porn with you? I've never floated the idea before... but then I've never seen a situation where it couldn't cause more damage. Perhaps it may arouse some feelings...?...? I still don't understand why he wasn't interested in sex.

This is a really bad idea, at this point. If the OP and her H watched porn together, she would be frustrated, and he would trigger. A lose, lose proposition. Because her H would not be thinking that he and the OP were doing it, he would be thinking that the OP and om were doing it.

[revelations]

Okay ChickenFlower what your in is a real mess and what you did was a very cruel thing to do to your husband. However your on here to find out what you can do to make things better between you and your husband and how you can help him. I read a post on here that asked you if you think you could forgive your husband for cheating on you. You stated that you could as long as it was just sex and no love was involved, I.E. an affair. For men the exact opposite is true, it is the sex that is very difficult to forgive or get over. You might think of it this way, it is like the difference between being stabbed with a 2 inch or 6 inch knife. Both will hurt, however that 6 inch knife will leave a more deeper and painful wound which will take a lot longer to heal. For you that 6 inch knife is your husband falling in love with another woman. For your husband that 6 inch knife is you having sex with another man. So if you have a fear of your husband falling in love with another woman, then your husband is now living through the fear of you having sex with another man.

 

Now my above paragraph reread it several times and let that sink in. I want you to have a true understanding on just how bad you have hurt your husband. I wrote a rant awhile back, you may want to read it. These are some of the things your husband is probably going through, here is the link. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/475966-ww-s-some-damage-you-have-caused-rant

So how do you think you should go about making amends to your husband? Notice that I did not say help him get over it or anything like that. First off let's put your money where your mouth is, right now it is time to take some action. Some people here like myself would say he should leave you, so give him that chance. Get a post nuptial agreement written up that states you agree to no alimony should you to divorce for any reason. You should also state in that agreement that he gets the house, car, etc. anything that he has been paying for or bought. Doing this is the first step in showing your husband that you understand you did something very cruel to him and are willing to pay the price.

 

Now other action that you can take. So let's remember this, you got to have sex with another man and your husband is basically paying the price for the fun you had. You need to pay a price for the fun you had and lessen the price your husband is paying. For starters MC and IC are expensive and I am not sure in your case who is paying for this. However if your husband is paying for these counselors then what you are having him do is about the same as asking your husband to pay for the hotel room that your banging the OM in. So if you need to get a job and pay for 100% of any MC or IC that your husband is seeing. Truthfully you should also be paying an hourly rate to your husband for seeing these counselors. However your the one who made this mess so you should be the one to pay any bill that is a part of the mess you made. We all know that marriage is never a 50/50 thing, however in the case of cheating you need to allow your husband to lean on you 100% if he chooses to.

 

Remember in your husbands mind he is number 2 to you and always will be. You were not dating two men and he simply lost out. You chose to hurt him in the worst possible way that can be done by a wife which is choosing another man over him. Now later on he may say that he does not feel this way, however let me tell you that it will pop up in his mind for the rest of the time he is with you. 30 years from now your husband will still think of the night you showed him that he is number 2 to you. So you might say that your major job in the marriage now is to always be convincing your husband that you want him (never say you chose him, that implies that he was competing with the OM), that he is sexy to you and that you are grateful for the second chance he has given you that you do not deserve. The best way I can put it is to make a daily amends to him for as long as you are married to him.

 

What are some of the ways you can do this? Well somethings are simple, from having dinner on the table for him when he gets home to getting him another beer before he even has to ask for it. Other things require more work on your part. You should know your husband by now and you should also know what is important to him. If your husband likes cars they you may want to consider saving and buying him his dream car. If your husband likes to travel, save your money and send him on his dream trip. If sex is a big thing for your husband then you may want to find out what is naughty fantasy is and make it come true for him, at least once. These are just some of the things you can do to help ease the pain your husband is in. However something really important to do is when you see he is feeling down. Simply walk up to him and tell him how truly sorry you are that you did this to him. Be sincere about it, nothing is more insulting than a hollow apology.

 

Now on to sex since you said something about it. Don't expect or demand a damn thing from him, be grateful he does not puke when looking at you. You could have been with a thousand men before your husband, however the one OM that you were with during your marriage leaves you contaminated in your husbands mind. The longest I lasted with an ex that I knew cheated on me was just over a month. Mind you this was just a girlfriend that cheated on me. She was a very sexy woman, however once she confessed to cheating she lost all of that beauty to me. During the rest of the time I was with her I was unable to get it up even with a crane. In my mind she was full of the OM's DNA and the sight of her nude made me sick to my stomach. You may be waiting weeks, months, even years before sex gets back to being somewhat normal with your husband. Remember every man is different on this. You may have had hysterical bonding sex for a short time only for it to die down to nothing. You may have tried to have sex with your husband only find your husband was unable to preform or it ending up in a fight. If this goes on for a long time I would suggest you get and pay for a sex counselor for your husband. If his problem is bad enough they may suggest a sex surrogate him. Remember that your husband does not believe most if not everything you say to him. So even though you may tell your husband he is the best in bed, biggest, etc he may not believe it. The thing a sex counselor and surrogate does is to help him restore his sexual self-esteem in ways that you can no longer do. Remember that your husband can have sex with any random woman and it will be easier for him to believe she enjoyed herself than to believe you saying the same thing.

 

Some of the things I say here may seem kind of rough or even mean. I am simply pointing out what is going on and ways that may help combat it. Truthfully if I was talking to your husband that was asking advice I would tell him to leave you. Staying with a woman that has cheated is a bad investment. It is nothing but long term depression, anger, fear and self-esteem problems. However if he is sticking around this long you do have a shot. So start thinking of the situation like this, what would you want your husband to do if you caught him in a long term affair were he was in love with the other woman and you are going to stay with him? Swap out things like cards, flowers, jewelry for things that interest him. However how would you want your husband to show he cares or that he is remorseful and wants to make it right with you? Once you can gain the view from your husbands perspective then start doing those things. Of course adjust it a little to your husband. If you see he is upset and thinking about the sex you had with the other man he may want you to comfort him. However don't be surprised if he just snaps at you and tells you to get away from him. Either way honor his decision and needs at that time. For about the next three to five years consider yourself working overtime in your marriage to simply keep it together. Also know that he may just up and walk out on you at anytime that he feels it is not worth it. It may be 15 years from now and everything seems to be going great in your marriage and he just says "screw it" and leaves you. He has every right to do that and the best thing you can do in that case is to say "I don't blame you" and let him leave. I don't know what your husband has to say about all of this, I am only reading your side of the story. However in your case being very honest and open with him should be automatic with you from now on. Making sure that your husband is not paying for IC and MC or any other counselors is another major thing you should be doing. Like I said if need be you get a job or two to pay for it. Make sure that your husband knows of these jobs and why you are doing it and also approves of it. Friends of the opposite sex are no longer for you. Girls night out or something like that is no longer for you. Anything you do without your husband is only because he knows ahead of time, approves of it and can check up on you before, during and after is how you live from now on with your husband. Yes it is a lot to do and it is giving up a lot of freedom. However you want to stay with your husband and you are the one that hurt him in a very cruel and life changing way. You need to know that you did not just change your husbands perspective of you. You may have changed his perspective about all women, even destroying relationships he could have had with other women. You might say that you have ruined your husband for other women and not in a good way. You may not be perfect with all of this stuff, however just as long as you keep trying to improve that is the main thing.

[Akheron]

".... guy professing to be his best friend was really just a jealous little piece of crud who purposefully was trying to destroy a thing of beauty....."

 

 

Stop it. IMO when you resort to belittling the OM, especially in front of your husband, this only makes matters worse. These types of comments may make you feel better by minimizing your part, but it only makes your husband ask himself, "well, if he was such a crud, then why did you spread your legs for him".

 

Second, by minimizing your part, you shift blame away from yourself and eventually you will no longer accept any responsibility. Let me remind you of a few things you said (I'm paraphrasing):

 

"Husband not interested in sex"

 

"I think about sex. ALL. THE. TIME."

 

"Husband went upstairs to bed. I stayed. Drank alot more. Ended up in bed with OM"

 

All of these comments, when put together, show without a doubt that you had planned this and used alcohol as an excuse. I'm almost certain that even if alcohol had not been involved, you still would have done this after your husband went to bed because this was a calculated move. From the texting to the sex. Also, based on your comments about telling the husband about it, I am also certain that if you hadn't been caught, you would have continued this affair. Until you can be truly honest with yourself can the real healing start. I don't mean to be so cold in my words, but you need to hear (read) this. And not just from your husband.

[DKT3]

I wish I could find the right words to express how much I do know the damage I did, and how truly remorseful I am. I guess that I am just not a good writer. I do know. I really do. And I do know how incredibly lucky I am to have such an amazing husband. I let him know as much as humanly possible.

 

 

Thank you for the good wishes.

 

Its not about being a good writer, its that you seem to not "get it". I understand that you think you do, but its pretty clear your not.

 

You set the stage by not accepting responsibility (no sex), then the affair which you claim you never intended (don't believe). If you didn't intend it, it would have never happened. Finally you blast OM/bestfriend for being less then a friend. Funnt thing is, if you were a better wife you would have told your husband he wasn't a good friend the first time he crossed the line. Instead, you engaged and worse then that you continued to allow your husband to think he was a good friend.

 

Own your sh$t, YOU did this. You broke your vows, you made a fool of you husband. You don't get that, which is why your coming off the way you are, it has nothing to do with your writing skills, its your mindset.

 

Your husband lack of interest in sex could be many things, job pressure, pressure from you to have sex all the time, maybe from rejection of something he likes sexually or low T. None of which were addressed by banging his "bestfriend" only made it more difficult. And now your asking about pushing him? Yeah, your not even close to getting it.

[jbrent890]

DKT3 hit the nail on the head. You really do need to start owning what you did. I know you feel bad about, but deep down you did intend for the sex to happen. I think you felt that you owed it to your OM for the attention he was giving you. Whether you seriously planned on ending it or not is only something you know. But deep down I think you need to admit that you were going to have sex with him first before you did. I glad you are on here trying to figure out how to fix this problem, but I think you need to be a little more honest with yourself. Alcohol or no alcohol, you were going to have sex with him.

[aliveagain]

The things going through your husbands mind right now are, can I ever trust her again, does she really love me if she can do something so horrific to me, how can I ever feel safe again?

 

You also need to remember, your both in the same marriage, your the only unfaithful one, why? The first two items are items that will need time because as a cheater, very little that comes out of your mouth is believable to him right now, you have more than proven that to him by your emotional than physical affair. You probably told him you loved him all the while deep into your affair, you fooled him then so what's different now other than being caught? He has no way of knowing if he is your plan "B" because again he can't believe anything coming out of your mouth. Texting and chatty junk as you put it is one thing but staying up drunk with the guy your having an emotional affair with is something else, it would sound very planned to your husband. Please tell me you have been tested for STD's? Your husband definitely see's your hook up with his best friend as a well planned and executed event. He feels like the fool that was played by the person that says she loves him and every time he thinks about the events of the evening he feels more stupid because he blindly trusted you. As a betrayed male spouse I can tell you all he thinks about for allowing you that trust is you gliding O/M into you, your legs wrapped around his butt, well you get the picture. To him right now, trust equals that picture.

 

Actions are the only thing he can believe from you. You do whatever it takes to make yourself believable if you want to save your marriage including giving up all your independence until he tells you to stop. You will never get that picture out of his mind, in time it may hurt less but that picture is as permanent as his vision of you in your wedding dress. You need to build up more action things that outweigh your infidelity. Feeling safe with you will be his biggest challenge, that's the deal breaker. My suggestion to you if you are serious about staying with your husband is to have a lawyer draft up a post nuptial agreement giving him at least 80% of everything you have together if you divorce because of a new infidelity. That shows you mean business, it's on paper and defendable. You can tell him you'll never cheat again but that's not believable because you already did even though you vowed not too when you married him.

 

Please take my advice and ask a lawyer to draft something up, it will cut through years of pain and uncertainty. Infidelity didn't just taint that weekend, it tainted every good memory he had of you and his best friend.

[Akheron]

I reread my previous post to you and realized I left some important statements out.

It is strikingly obvious to me that sex is one of your core values. It is an integral part of what defines you, via self esteem, self gratification, and self worth. Therefore when your H turns your advances away, it effects you on a much deeper level. It's like a gut punch to your core being. And this gets to the very core of why you betrayed your husband with his best friend. You wanted to hurt him. You wanted to hurt him as badly or even worse than the hurt you felt when spurned. Furthermore, you did it in your own home with him ther because you wanted to get caught. You wanted him to walk in on you so that you could see his face and the immediate pain that he felt. Again, until you can admit this to yourself can can the healing begin.

[No Limit]

Hmmmm ... I do honestly believe I could get over this. Probably much easier than him. There was no love involved with what I did, and that would be the kicker for me. If he was to have an affair and there was LOVE, then I wouldn't be able to forgive.

 

Put that to the test then. Give your husband a "free pass".

[road]

Put that to the test then. Give your husband a "free pass".

 

 

 

RA's do not help. They just add to the problems.

[Akheron]

RA's do not help. They just add to the problems.

 

True. But this brings up a valid point. OP, how would you react if your H had sex with your best friend in your home while you were in the next room? Of course your imaginary pain from envisioning this is only a small fraction of the pain that your H has been feeling from having it actually happen. For two years.

[Akheron]

Well, apparently the OP has lost interest in this thread, but I hope you, especially your H, at least read this one.

 

In your first thread you stated that your H's first marriage ended in divorce because his first wife cheated on him. So he's now dealing with TWO cheating wives. My question is this. Did your H suffer from lack of intimacy in his first marriage as well or did this manifest itself afterwards. This is important to know. I would highly recommend that either you, your H, or both see a sex counselor. You have to address this because right now your core values do not match. Your H either truly is not interested in sex, or there are some deep rooted issues that need to be adressed. If its not tended to, I fear that your infidelity will happen again.

[thummper]

You are absolutely entitled to feel that way and if that's what worked for you I am truly happy for you .... perhaps I am arrogant (AND my husband as well as we do both believe this) but our marriage IS special, and it is SO worth fighting for.

 

Not trying to insult you, CF, but I am curious. If your marriage is so "special", why did you feel the need to get involved in the chatting/flirting with this other man in the first place?

[petee]

I have one question for you. Did you use protection? If you did, then whilst your betrayal was bad it isn't the worst. If you didn't then I think it;s going to fester as you gave everything you had to this bloke. You, as a lady, may not see the difference, but if it happened to me I'd need to know,; there's bad and then there is dire.

You seem to have a grip here, you husband seems willing......time will tell but I think you can do it, for what 'petee's little input is worth.