WW's this is some of the damage you have caused. A rant.

[revelations]

*note*

I write this from the perspective as a BH myself. I can have empathy with a BW, however I cannot know exactly how she feels. Men and women suffer hurt in different ways by a WS. I am posting this not do disrespect any BW out their. This is simply a rant for the WW's to read if they chose to. Anyone responding please understand that this is in no way intended to describe what all BH's feel, go through or how they will or should react. This is simply some of the things I went through and how I reacted to the situation.

 

 

 

WW’s you may have told us or we may have discovered your affair or ONS. Right now we are in shock, the woman that we thought has loved us so much has just hurt us beyond belief. You have just died to us, not the kind of death that we mourn because we will miss you. The woman that we loved and the person we thought you were has just died. You stand in front of us and we do not know who you are. To us we see a beautiful woman that turned into a monster before our very eyes. We ask what we have done to you to deserve this. We ask ourselves why you hate us so much. You have just destroyed our world right now and our entire past life that we had enjoyed with you. We can no longer look back on the happy times during the marriage with joy. We have been crushed and it was because of your selfish actions.

 

You may wish to stay with us WW’s or wish to leave. You leaving may be easier on us BH’s, staying will definitely add confusion. We question why you are staying. We question what other hurt you will inflict upon us. We see a wife that has mislead us, blinding us to what a malicious woman you can actually be. We question if the A is over or do you intend to continue it or start another. We question how this OM was able to win your affections from us. We question why you have chosen to come back to us. Is it the financial security? Is it because we have been together so long? Is it because of the children? Is it simply that you were dumped? We have a million questions and very few if not any answers to these questions. None of the answers you will provide us will comfort us. None of the answers you will give us can we believe. You have broken our trust in you, how can we believe anything you say to us?

 

We wonder if the OM’s arms that he held you with are better than ours. We wonder if the kisses you shared were more passionate. We wonder if your OM was well-endowed. We wonder why you felt more sexually free with your OM and not with us. When we try and make love to you we see you making love to the OM. We wonder if you made the same noises with the OM or did you make different noises. Sometimes we are not able to rise to the occasion or go soft in the middle of our love making. We feel like a failure in every sense of the word. We cannot stimulate you like your OM did nor do we have a desire to do so. We wonder what the looks in your eyes were when the OM was so deep inside of you. We wonder what happed that you thought was cute or funny with your OM. We wonder what pillow talk you had with the OM was. We wonder if you compared us to the OM and how often we fell short. We wonder if you and the OM had a laugh at our expense. When we do make love to you we wonder if you’re thinking of the OM. We wonder if you miss the OM touch or the sex you shared with him. We may ask you about some of these things, others we may not. Some things we might not wish to know about, others we may regret getting an answer to.

 

A BH now sees himself in a different light. We are now depressed, we may be on prescription drugs to help us cope with the depression. We get tremors in our hands from these drugs. These drugs may cause us to be impotent or not be able to ejaculate. We wonder how we could have been so easily fooled by you and curse ourselves for allowing it. We lose interest in things that use to bring us joy. We no longer see another happy couple with fondness. Instead we feel sorry for that man, wondering when he too will be destroyed by her. In short we have a different perspective of not just you, but the whole world around us. WW’s you have changed us to our very core. These changes are not good ones that better us as a man. These changes you have made to your men cause us to harden our hearts. These are changes that affect how we see our WW’s and any woman we see. You have destroyed us for other women and not in a good way. You did not destroy us by giving us love that no other woman can. You did not destroy us with your skills in the bedroom. You destroyed us because we now wonder when the new woman will cheat on us. If we leave you then you use a family court system to ruin us financially. Making it difficult for us to recover from the hurt you caused. Crushing the very core of who we are is not good enough for you, so you choose to do this financially as well.

 

As any of us BH’s know we are not totally helpless. Sure the WW's have law enforcement, lawyers, family courts, and a bunch of other resources on their side. WW’s you may even claim to be the victim and get attention that way. BH’s are now getting wise to what you are doing and have done. We know that we cannot win a battle in court against you. We know that the public at large thinks of us as worthless and disposable. However we do know that even as a BH we are worth something. We have value and we spread this word to other BH’s. We have a very powerful tool to use against the self-entitled WW or the future WW. We can simply abstain from you. Yes that is right, if we do not date you then no more free dinner for you. You can no longer say we came on too strong. If we are not getting into relationship or marrying you then you have no one there with you. You cannot cheat on us because we are not there. You cannot complain to us about whatever thing that you wanted. You cannot collect alimony or child support from us, we are no longer there. WW’s we are no longer there for you to abuse us and use us.

 

BH’s may have current child support or alimony to pay, however we will not fall into the same trap again. Our perspective is different now and we are no longer going to pursue you. Instead we will focus on ourselves and try to recover from the damage that you so gleefully caused. We will rediscover our hobbies and even find new ones. We will exercise and improve our health. We will read books or take a class to improve our knowledge. We will take an active interest in our friends and enjoy BBQ’s and fishing trips with them. When we chose to be with another woman, she will be younger than you and much prettier. We will not be trapped by her, instead only enjoying a night or two with her. We will start a new life for ourselves and enjoy it. WW’s please enjoy your cats, wine and anti-depressants. The world will become a lonely place for you.

[EverySunset]

You're hurting so much. As a many timed over BW (by the same very cruel man) I feel exactly where you are coming from..

 

But whatever you do, don't let your WS ruin your outlook on life. Love. Even cats. (personally I never liked cats either but I digress)

 

It will take a long time to get back to a good place in your head and with yourself. And when you do, just breathe life back in. It's ok to mature or feel wiser, but don't shut wonderful out because you've been burned. Don't let her continue to control you that way.

 

You have every right to stay yourself, and get back to yourself, but don't let her rob you of your joy. Resolve not to let it make you bitter. I have to work at that at least a little every day.

 

Some days are harder than others. But none are as hard as the easiest day with him. I'm grateful to be done, even if he had to cheat on me... now at least, I am rid of him.

 

hang in there..

[harrybrown]

excellent post. Did you share this with your WW?

 

What did she say?

[revelations]

Thanks everysunset for your kind words. However it has nothing to do with shutting out the world. Instead it has to do with being honest about the situation. I know myself that I can actually be a very nice guy. This is always seen as a target of opportunity that women such as this look for.

 

Instead I do focus on improving myself in different ways. I understand what my strengths and weakness is are. I act and respond accordingly to protect myself. I find it funny you should say something about cats. Myself I was never a cat person. However my friend that I live with has a few of them. One you would think was mine. The little follows me around like a lost puppy dog. So of course animals can provide you many hours of love and entertainment.

 

I will say that I can in no way understand the pain that you have felt or reacted in the same way you did. Remember that it is not just the plumbing that is different between men and women. Certain things that is important to you may not be important to me. For example it maybe important for you to find another love and to live and grow old with him. To me this is not of much if any importance, if anything it can side track what I do consider to be important. I had to notice that being single has made for a lot more joy in my life. I have noticed that the joy tends to leave the longer I am in a relationship with a woman. Since my view on life is that I need to enjoy the rest of it, I keep my distance.

 

You take care everysunset and I hope that you find what you are looking for.

[revelations]

Oh hell no harry, I would never give her any more ammo nor do I even talk with her. LOL

[Furious]

The married other woman in my situation cheated many times on her husband. Sadly, for him it made no difference in regard to alimony and having to give up half of his net worth. He told me he was shutting his heart down and will never trust again. It was so sad to hear this from him.

 

I have empathy how a hard working and loyal man who is betrayed and pays the price regardless, feels jaded and may not ever trust again.

 

It's a shame that many good women out there are penalized for the transgressions of some women.

 

I hope that you don't give up on love...that you have the courage to love again.

 

Being cheated on is terrible, but allowing that experience to destroy the possibility of finding love again is even worse.

 

I hope with time you find love again and that one day you find the happiness you deserve.

[txgrl]

I'm an xww.

 

I'm extremely sorry .... I hope you find a wonderful , honest , loyal woman who completely changes your view .

[revelations]

txgrl

 

Even if I did there would be nothing in the world that could make me believe it.

 

Thankfully I have too much respect for myself to even have to worry about it.

[lovinDKT3]

I accept and fully understand the damage my A has done. DKT once told me it was like a forrest fire that wipes out all the weak and damaged trees. Those that grow in the ashes are strong. The problem is it also took out some strong trees that stood the test of time.

 

In him I see both, in so many areas he is a much better man. Stronger then before, more honest about his feelings more engaged as a father. On the other hand some great stuff is no longer there. His trust, his belief in me and the other women he was involved with.

 

Oddly, I have questioned if he would have been better off with one of those women. For those that followed our story knows there was one woman that even I thought was a perfect match for him (work girl). Selfishly I can say I'm happy it didn't work out. However when I think of his happiness I wonder, had she been involved with DKT pre A. With the open and trusting DKT they would have had a wonderful relationship and marriage. Did I take that away? Did I make it impossible for him to forge new relationships? Did I kill that part of him that would allow people to get close?

 

Maybe he settled for me, when he could have been so much happier with her, a woman who hasn't cheated on him, one that he had no reason to doubt. He has given me a second chance, but those questions are ones I will have to live with. Watching him now playing video games with the kids and that look of pure joy on his face. Only to see that joy turn to content when he looks at me, the look that replaced the one that looked much like the one he has with the kids right now.

 

OP I get what I've done, I wonder would it be easier to let him go not for me, I want him more then anything, but does he want me more then anything? I don't deserve him, and he deserves better.

 

I'm sorry for your pain, and I hope you can once again find love. Remember all women didn't cheat on you, it was only one. There are lots of great women out there. I just wish I had stayed one.

[revelations]

Lovin,

Truthfully it has been a majority of the women I have been in a relationship that have cheated on me. However only one wife. I try not to keep making the same mistakes over and over again.

 

However you do know that I have posted on your thread. I gave you credit that I do not recall ever giving a WW before. That is because you did put in a lot of hard work. You will never actually be able to make it up to DKT3 for as long as you live. However you can make a daily amends to him. By compensating him daily, in small ways and in large ways, it does help to ease the pain.

 

In all honesty you probably did change him. Like my ex did to me, you have probably robbed him of that ability to trust again. Is what is important is that you understand that and never do that again. You make attempts to bring joy into his life in other ways. Like I said, you are actually the only WW on here that I would have given a second chance to. Coming from me that is saying something. My hope is that you don't make me eat my words on giving you such a complement.

[aussietigerwolf]

txgrl

 

Even if I did there would be nothing in the world that could make me believe it.

 

Thankfully I have too much respect for myself to even have to worry about it.

 

If that is you feel then never date again. No one deserves to be condemned for anothers sin.

[revelations]

Funny thing happened to me earlier today before I posted this, however I was still writing it. There is a lady that I had met up for a few dates with and talked a lot with on the phone. In the middle of writing I decided to give her a call and say "Hi" and see if we could enjoy a laugh or two. What happened is a guy answers her phone. The conversation goes like this.

 

Me:

Hello suzi.

 

Him:

Who is this?

 

Me:

This is revelations I was looking for suzi?

 

Him:

Suzi is in the shower, I will tell her you called.

 

Me:

Is this her nephew?

 

Him:

No, this is a friend.

 

*click*... He hangs up..

 

Now we did not have any agreement about not dating others and such. Hell the only thing I asked was that she is honest with me. I sent a couple of texts to her, nothing nasty or anything like that. Just asking what is up. Funny thing is that I have yet to receive a call back or even a text.

 

This is a woman that had been claiming to want to be with me, wanting to live together, etc. However she can not even handle being honest with me. I guess that she did not want me to date others while she did. Yes I know maybe he really is just a friend. Well if that is the case then she probably would have at least text me by now. No word from her and it has been over 8hrs now. I may never know the actual truth, however it is of little concern to me.

 

So I ask you, if it is not okay to "No one deserves to be condemned for anothers sin." then is it okay to call bullsh*t were I see it? I have no need to condemn a woman for another woman's sins. They usually expose their sins themselves quite well..

[Hope Shimmers]

Funny thing happened to me earlier today before I posted this, however I was still writing it. There is a lady that I had met up for a few dates with and talked a lot with on the phone. In the middle of writing I decided to give her a call and say "Hi" and see if we could enjoy a laugh or two. What happened is a guy answers her phone. The conversation goes like this.

 

Me:

Hello suzi.

 

Him:

Who is this?

 

Me:

This is revelations I was looking for suzi?

 

Him:

Suzi is in the shower, I will tell her you called.

 

Me:

Is this her nephew?

 

Him:

No, this is a friend.

 

*click*... He hangs up..

 

Now we did not have any agreement about not dating others and such. Hell the only thing I asked was that she is honest with me. I sent a couple of texts to her, nothing nasty or anything like that. Just asking what is up. Funny thing is that I have yet to receive a call back or even a text.

 

This is a woman that had been claiming to want to be with me, wanting to live together, etc. However she can not even handle being honest with me. I guess that she did not want me to date others while she did. Yes I know maybe he really is just a friend. Well if that is the case then she probably would have at least text me by now. No word from her and it has been over 8hrs now. I may never know the actual truth, however it is of little concern to me.

 

So I ask you, if it is not okay to "No one deserves to be condemned for anothers sin." then is it okay to call bullsh*t were I see it? I have no need to condemn a woman for another woman's sins. They usually expose their sins themselves quite well..

 

I'm confused... you said you dated her a couple of times and talked on the phone, but later in the same post you said she claimed to want to live with you, etc. So how did you leave it? That seems like a huge jump for just casual dating/talking. It also makes all the difference as to whether it's acceptable for her to be dating other people.

 

I'm sorry for your pain and your bad experience, but I think you need help. I hope that you find counseling.

[DKT3]

Wow, do I get this, as do most BS's. Its really hard to trust after this. I even doubted my youngest when lovin's A came to light. I'm ashamed but also not that I secretly had her DNA tested. It was so close how could I not?

 

Lovin we'll talk later about your post. ISYTL

[waterwoman]

Hi revelations,

 

I don't think the comparisons that take place after an affair are all that different between BH and BW. That's a kicker for either sex.

 

"I have noticed that the joy tends to leave the longer I am in a relationship with a woman"

 

The above quote doesn't surprise me at all. In facr I am surprised that you are surprised TBH. I have always assumed that that is the default position for most people. The longer a relationship continues the less excitement and novelty there is, the more it becomes a matter of duty and responsiblity. The 'joy' may be more fleeting and less frequent and you have to also find it in other areas of your ife. You sacrifice the 'joy' for contentment and stability - if you have a history of being betrayed by women I am guessing you don't trust the feeling of stability and contentment. I am sorry you have come to the conclusions that you have but I can understand why. I wish you all the best x.

[revelations]

DKT3,

Do not be ashamed of doing that. If anything lovin should have been first to suggest it. If it is that close then lovin owes it to you, that is part of rebuilding the trust. It is things like that I suggest that lovin volunteer to do when she knows about it and you ask for it when she does not. When you ask lovin about something she should be giving you an honest answer and if possible providing proof. I don't want to sound mean or anything, however lovin's job should be giving you what you need to know she is being honest with you. I am sure that you two are working on that with each other.

 

I have been impressed with lovin and how she has been handling things. With a lot of hard work and a little luck maybe you guys might be able to look back on this like a bad dream. It is my bet that lovin has hurt herself more than she thought was possible. Since she will probably read this I want her to know that I believe she can make amends to you DKT3. Seeing a WW such as lovin it gives me hope. It shows me their is some good in them and I believe that lovin is fighting to become that good person again.

[DKT3]

She never thought about DNA tests because she had all the pieces to the puzzle. She knew 100% there was no chance because they never slept together until well after the birth. My issue was I could trust or believe a freaking word coming out of her mouth at that time.

[road]

She never thought about DNA tests because she had all the pieces to the puzzle. She knew 100% there was no chance because they never slept together until well after the birth. My issue was I could trust or believe a freaking word coming out of her mouth at that time.

 

 

 

Who could believe anything but a DNA test.

[odinseye]

*note*

I write this from the perspective as a BH myself. I can have empathy with a BW, however I cannot know exactly how she feels. Men and women suffer hurt in different ways by a WS. I am posting this not do disrespect any BW out their. This is simply a rant for the WW's to read if they chose to. Anyone responding please understand that this is in no way intended to describe what all BH's feel, go through or how they will or should react. This is simply some of the things I went through and how I reacted to the situation.

 

 

 

WW’s you may have told us or we may have discovered your affair or ONS. Right now we are in shock, the woman that we thought has loved us so much has just hurt us beyond belief. You have just died to us, not the kind of death that we mourn because we will miss you. The woman that we loved and the person we thought you were has just died. You stand in front of us and we do not know who you are. To us we see a beautiful woman that turned into a monster before our very eyes. We ask what we have done to you to deserve this. We ask ourselves why you hate us so much. You have just destroyed our world right now and our entire past life that we had enjoyed with you. We can no longer look back on the happy times during the marriage with joy. We have been crushed and it was because of your selfish actions.

 

You may wish to stay with us WW’s or wish to leave. You leaving may be easier on us BH’s, staying will definitely add confusion. We question why you are staying. We question what other hurt you will inflict upon us. We see a wife that has mislead us, blinding us to what a malicious woman you can actually be. We question if the A is over or do you intend to continue it or start another. We question how this OM was able to win your affections from us. We question why you have chosen to come back to us. Is it the financial security? Is it because we have been together so long? Is it because of the children? Is it simply that you were dumped? We have a million questions and very few if not any answers to these questions. None of the answers you will provide us will comfort us. None of the answers you will give us can we believe. You have broken our trust in you, how can we believe anything you say to us?

 

We wonder if the OM’s arms that he held you with are better than ours. We wonder if the kisses you shared were more passionate. We wonder if your OM was well-endowed. We wonder why you felt more sexually free with your OM and not with us. When we try and make love to you we see you making love to the OM. We wonder if you made the same noises with the OM or did you make different noises. Sometimes we are not able to rise to the occasion or go soft in the middle of our love making. We feel like a failure in every sense of the word. We cannot stimulate you like your OM did nor do we have a desire to do so. We wonder what the looks in your eyes were when the OM was so deep inside of you. We wonder what happed that you thought was cute or funny with your OM. We wonder what pillow talk you had with the OM was. We wonder if you compared us to the OM and how often we fell short. We wonder if you and the OM had a laugh at our expense. When we do make love to you we wonder if you’re thinking of the OM. We wonder if you miss the OM touch or the sex you shared with him. We may ask you about some of these things, others we may not. Some things we might not wish to know about, others we may regret getting an answer to.

 

A BH now sees himself in a different light. We are now depressed, we may be on prescription drugs to help us cope with the depression. We get tremors in our hands from these drugs. These drugs may cause us to be impotent or not be able to ejaculate. We wonder how we could have been so easily fooled by you and curse ourselves for allowing it. We lose interest in things that use to bring us joy. We no longer see another happy couple with fondness. Instead we feel sorry for that man, wondering when he too will be destroyed by her. In short we have a different perspective of not just you, but the whole world around us. WW’s you have changed us to our very core. These changes are not good ones that better us as a man. These changes you have made to your men cause us to harden our hearts. These are changes that affect how we see our WW’s and any woman we see. You have destroyed us for other women and not in a good way. You did not destroy us by giving us love that no other woman can. You did not destroy us with your skills in the bedroom. You destroyed us because we now wonder when the new woman will cheat on us. If we leave you then you use a family court system to ruin us financially. Making it difficult for us to recover from the hurt you caused. Crushing the very core of who we are is not good enough for you, so you choose to do this financially as well.

 

As any of us BH’s know we are not totally helpless. Sure the WW's have law enforcement, lawyers, family courts, and a bunch of other resources on their side. WW’s you may even claim to be the victim and get attention that way. BH’s are now getting wise to what you are doing and have done. We know that we cannot win a battle in court against you. We know that the public at large thinks of us as worthless and disposable. However we do know that even as a BH we are worth something. We have value and we spread this word to other BH’s. We have a very powerful tool to use against the self-entitled WW or the future WW. We can simply abstain from you. Yes that is right, if we do not date you then no more free dinner for you. You can no longer say we came on too strong. If we are not getting into relationship or marrying you then you have no one there with you. You cannot cheat on us because we are not there. You cannot complain to us about whatever thing that you wanted. You cannot collect alimony or child support from us, we are no longer there. WW’s we are no longer there for you to abuse us and use us.

 

BH’s may have current child support or alimony to pay, however we will not fall into the same trap again. Our perspective is different now and we are no longer going to pursue you. Instead we will focus on ourselves and try to recover from the damage that you so gleefully caused. We will rediscover our hobbies and even find new ones. We will exercise and improve our health. We will read books or take a class to improve our knowledge. We will take an active interest in our friends and enjoy BBQ’s and fishing trips with them. When we chose to be with another woman, she will be younger than you and much prettier. We will not be trapped by her, instead only enjoying a night or two with her. We will start a new life for ourselves and enjoy it. WW’s please enjoy your cats, wine and anti-depressants. The world will become a lonely place for you.

Even though my situation is different than yours I have the same symptoms. I can't get healthy again. I allowed myself to get so down I acquired MRSA in my spine, It has destroyed my immune system. There isn't anything I really like anymore, I did not divorce my wife, She thinks I am keeping her here to observe how I destroy the men she was with during our marriage, she says every time I do something to a past lover it tears her heart out. I said its a good thing its not your liver.

[Betrayed&Stayed]

I'm an xww.

 

I'm extremely sorry .... I hope you find a wonderful , honest , loyal woman who completely changes your view .

 

That's the problem. Us BH's THOUGHT we did find a wonderful, honest, loyal woman when we married our wives.

 

I'm still married to my WW, but I am cynical when it comes to love and marriage /vows. I went to wedding the other week (I'm at the point that I can go to weddings again), and the only thing I could feel was "Yeah, enjoy the marital bliss now before one of you cheats".

 

OP, great post.

Edited May 8, 2014 by Betrayed&Stayed

[txgrl]

I have no comment,no answer . Like Lovin, I lost my way and am trying very hard to find my way back.

[lovinDKT3]

I have no comment,no answer . Like Lovin, I lost my way and am trying very hard to find my way back.

 

I want to send you a pm but I don't know how.

[txgrl]

That's because you are bit an established member yet . I think it takes a month and a certain number if posts to become one . Maybe you can ask the moderators to let you become one or use DK's account , if you guys share the passwords etc . I noticed he's an established member .

 

I'd love to be able to help by answering any questions .

 

Stay strong, girl. And you too DK!

[drifter777]

Good rant - I hope you felt better after writing it.

 

I understand that your view of women has been destroyed and vowing never to commit again is smart for any BH. I mean, why put yourself out there when you don't have to? You can get sex and companionship from any woman - you don't have to even like her. That said, I do wonder why your self-esteem seems to still be so crushed when you DIDN'T just stay around and be unhappily married. You had the good sense to recognize that you would never be able to accept what she did and the courage to do something about it and divorce her. Personal healing will take more time and staying out of any relationships with women is a smart thing to do. Just do what you believe is best for you and you'll end up fine.

[revelations]

I'm confused... you said you dated her a couple of times and talked on the phone, but later in the same post you said she claimed to want to live with you, etc. So how did you leave it? That seems like a huge jump for just casual dating/talking. It also makes all the difference as to whether it's acceptable for her to be dating other people.

 

I'm sorry for your pain and your bad experience, but I think you need help. I hope that you find counseling.

 

 

We had only dated a couple of times and mostly talked on the phone for a couple of months. We were mostly on the phone because I was away from town most of this time on business. We were not exclusive, however she wanted to be exclusive. She was talking about wanting to live together at this time. The only thing I asked of her was to be honest with me. To me what she was talking about was a bit soon. However I took the wait and see approach on it. She was incapable of being honest like I asked. Of course I have stated that I did not hear back from her. However I have not tried to call her since either.

 

Maybe I could have explain things better in the post you are referring to however I thought I was pretty clear. If you think that I in need of help because I ask someone to be honest or because I will make sure their words match their actions than so be it. This however is actually a lot of the problem I run into in trying to even date. I have a difficult time finding a woman that can be honest or loyal. Now I do not see wanting honesty or loyalty as a character flaw the way some women may see it. Hope if you feel that you do not need to be honest with men then perhaps you should be seeking help.