How long does it take a wayward wife to get "over it"?

[HereNorThere]

****Mine got over it when the OM left me pics on a hard drive of her engaged in sex acts she swore she would never do AND never DID WITH ME...AND I SHOWED THEM TO HER FAMILY AND 60 DAYS LATER I FILED FOR D....

 

She got over it then...I promise you!

 

Sadly, I think every BS should get a hard drive full of pics like that. Sometimes it takes seeing the truth with your own eyes to fully grasps what happened.

 

Sorry he did that, but man, you handled it like a champ. I'd high five you if I could!

[No Limit]

Sadly, I think every BS should get a hard drive full of pics like that.

 

Indeed. Pictures, videos, audio tapes, anything that gets BS out of their denial system.

[revelations]

Your post -first para - was written to infer that ALL OW/OM react in that way. That's what I was referring to as untrue. And as for "leaving the plantation", I get that but your reference to escorts was a little distasteful. Perhaps there was a better way for the plantation message to have been made!

 

My first post was to infer that all women I have been with or even just been friends with act that way. I however cannot state that for all women on earth since I have not even met nor talked to all women on earth. So I can only speak for the ones that I have encountered.

 

I also stand by my point on escorts. There is nothing wrong about wanting to get laid, that is not a man/woman thing at all. Simply put most all humans want to get laid and or be held by the opposite sex. The fact remains that escorts are far safer and cheaper in the long run that with traditional dating and marriage anymore. It is always best to travel were prostitution is legal, besides you can combine your vacation with getting laid. However the fact remains would you rather pay $1,000 for a night with a beautiful woman or pay a $1,000 a month for the rest of your life to a woman that no longer loves you? Some people will risk paying that $1,000 a month (mind you that is just a round number I picked, alimony can be a lot higher or lower) and for them it is an acceptable risk. Other people like me find that risk to be too great. However you also have a lot of people, mainly men that I am talking about that fail to look at marriage as it should be looked at which is a business contract. A business contract that is very bias against men leaving them to work to pay for another person's lifestyle.

 

Often times I am called a misogynist on here simply for stating fact and pointing out the truth. Misogyny is hating women simply because of their gender. It has nothing to do with pointing out that a gender can and will take advantage of laws that allow them to enslave another person. If I was to state that an ex wife should have to grant sex to her ex husband three times a week some would call that misogyny and they would be wrong. If they said I was a sexist pig, then they would be more on target. However all would say that my request is simply silly or unreasonable. So how is forcing a man to pay alimony simply because he was married to his ex wife nothing short of slavery. When they were together they enjoyed what each other offered, money, sex, companionship, love, etc. However once separated then normally the man is demanded to maintain this ex wife in a lifestyle that she is use to without compensation. Anytime these laws for alimony have been challenged they were shot down. Simply put the main choice and power any man has is to simply say "NO" to marriage. Once a man makes that choice to say "No" to marriage he has just denied a woman the opportunity to enslave him at a later time. If that same man says "NO" to dating or sex with that woman then he has denied her the free goodies that come with dating. Even more important he has denied her the opportunity of getting pregnant and collecting hidden alimony in the form of child support.

 

Simply put I just put the message out there to other men that they do have a choice. I make statements on the risks verses the rewards which I use to try and show their is a better way of life without the risk of loosing everything. I understand that I can lead a horse to water but I cannot force that horse to drink. I am simply leading men to that water, if they choose to drink then great. If not then at least I can say that I tried. Often times people on here will try to use the misogyny cry as a means of misdirection from the real message. The truth is by saying "NO" to women it is a very powerful form of passive resistance to the current state on the laws of marriage, child support and domestic violence laws. We may not be able to change the current laws on these matters, however we can remove ourselves from areas where these laws apply. By doing this we have rendered the laws useless and ineffective. Women will then have to rely on themselves instead of using marriage as their retirement plan. Myself I am use to the different forms of shaming language that is used against me and most of the time find it humorous. The simple fact remains that while others are trying to shame me I am laughing myself all the way into my retirement. I can do this today simply because I understand the laws and human nature which is to take advantage of such laws. My only regret was that I did not learn this lesson sooner than I did. However I am grateful that I did learn this lesson before it was too late. I could have ended up like so many other men that have to work the rest of their lives with no way to retire. I could have ended up like many other men that are forced to live in their cars or sleeping on a friends couch because they are unable to pay both alimony and rent. I could have ended up in jail that has happened to so many men simply because they lost their jobs and were unable to keep up with the alimony payments. So my message has nothing to do with putting down or hating women at all. My message is to simply try and help men from falling pray to women and the misandric laws.

 

P.S. Misandry is the hatred of men.

[fellini]

I don't think a timeline is what matters here.

 

Really it depends on the kind of A, the attachments, how they grew etc. Like any relationship. Relationships that began as long drawn out EAs then finally moved into PA's got caught versus finished with the affair etc., all these matter.

 

What is absolutely true, is that your question has merit, in that you are asking something that implies what many here don't want to address, or believe it matters: The BS must heal. The WS must heal, The AP must heal. The families must heal. Everyone is affected by an A.

 

Any discourse which implies that people who have As are sick and need no time to "get over" what they have done because they are bad people are living an illusion. The feelings that are shared in an A are, in spite of their fantasy basis, none the less real, and need to be dealt with. I think you will find a section in Glass where she discusses how you need to address the "falling out of love" aspect of the WS in her book, Not Just Friends.

 

Be open with your S about how you are aware that she needs to get through her "addiction", because if she feels it is not safe to let you see her grieving her loss, then she might, as my WS did, continue to compartmentalize and simply push those emotions aside while she addressed my needs. This meant delaying for 8 months her lingering obsessive feelings for the AP and found herself conducting what is called Narcissistic hovering about 7 months into NC. She should be displaying her grief to you so that you know she is purging herself of the thoughts of him in her head. She too has triggers, has intrusions. Hers are as real. To deny this is to stick our heads in the sand and say, "its only and all about ME!"

 

 

 

I know I've seen 3 to 5 years quoted for the BS, but what about the WS?

 

Does it take just as long?

 

Assuming they want to reconcile what is their pain like compared to the BS?

Edited November 21, 2014 by fellini

[dreamingoftigers]

The other obvious option is to do as my husband has done: find a hard-working woman who will consistently make more than he does, so in the event of separation and divorce, I will be providing him with the balloon payment and alimony, if decreed.

 

Furthermore, he will have a good run at at least partial custody despite a history of addiction and usership. Why? Because he will fight tooth and nail for it. Regardless of the impact it may have on our daughter. And the courts are now much more sympathetic to a man who will request custody, whether he is at all qualified or capable.

 

The same laws that "promoted the female retirement scheme" as you may call it, have now been brought back to bear in an obvious way. As women were making advances legally, women were also becoming more educated and taking on more bread-winning jobs. So then, it is transitioning to it being solely about income levels and not "Gender." Which should be an obvious.

 

In my marriage, I have always produced, worked and dedicated myself to it. In return I have been refused sex, respect, companionship, stability and been chatteled to my investment.

 

You can choose to make it a whining wail about women and the evil that they do. I see that as only a justification to ignore reality and treat women as "less than" and "users" while also justifying your own want to have escorts in place of more long-term relationships. You don't owe anyone that explanation. If it agrees with your own personal values, you don't need to be a "victim of womankind."

 

My marriage has been the *****s for lack of a better term. I don't apply that universally to all men, even though there have been many many ridiculous examples in my own life that I can see lacking basic kindness, courtesy, respect and loyalty for almost anyone, but especially their mates.

 

It isn't a function of gender. It is a function of being a decent human being.... or not. Perhaps it is time most people consider what is between a person's ears instead of their legs before judging them.

 

My first post was to infer that all women I have been with or even just been friends with act that way. I however cannot state that for all women on earth since I have not even met nor talked to all women on earth. So I can only speak for the ones that I have encountered.

 

I also stand by my point on escorts. There is nothing wrong about wanting to get laid, that is not a man/woman thing at all. Simply put most all humans want to get laid and or be held by the opposite sex. The fact remains that escorts are far safer and cheaper in the long run that with traditional dating and marriage anymore. It is always best to travel were prostitution is legal, besides you can combine your vacation with getting laid. However the fact remains would you rather pay $1,000 for a night with a beautiful woman or pay a $1,000 a month for the rest of your life to a woman that no longer loves you? Some people will risk paying that $1,000 a month (mind you that is just a round number I picked, alimony can be a lot higher or lower) and for them it is an acceptable risk. Other people like me find that risk to be too great. However you also have a lot of people, mainly men that I am talking about that fail to look at marriage as it should be looked at which is a business contract. A business contract that is very bias against men leaving them to work to pay for another person's lifestyle.

 

Often times I am called a misogynist on here simply for stating fact and pointing out the truth. Misogyny is hating women simply because of their gender. It has nothing to do with pointing out that a gender can and will take advantage of laws that allow them to enslave another person. If I was to state that an ex wife should have to grant sex to her ex husband three times a week some would call that misogyny and they would be wrong. If they said I was a sexist pig, then they would be more on target. However all would say that my request is simply silly or unreasonable. So how is forcing a man to pay alimony simply because he was married to his ex wife nothing short of slavery. When they were together they enjoyed what each other offered, money, sex, companionship, love, etc. However once separated then normally the man is demanded to maintain this ex wife in a lifestyle that she is use to without compensation. Anytime these laws for alimony have been challenged they were shot down. Simply put the main choice and power any man has is to simply say "NO" to marriage. Once a man makes that choice to say "No" to marriage he has just denied a woman the opportunity to enslave him at a later time. If that same man says "NO" to dating or sex with that woman then he has denied her the free goodies that come with dating. Even more important he has denied her the opportunity of getting pregnant and collecting hidden alimony in the form of child support.

 

Simply put I just put the message out there to other men that they do have a choice. I make statements on the risks verses the rewards which I use to try and show their is a better way of life without the risk of loosing everything. I understand that I can lead a horse to water but I cannot force that horse to drink. I am simply leading men to that water, if they choose to drink then great. If not then at least I can say that I tried. Often times people on here will try to use the misogyny cry as a means of misdirection from the real message. The truth is by saying "NO" to women it is a very powerful form of passive resistance to the current state on the laws of marriage, child support and domestic violence laws. We may not be able to change the current laws on these matters, however we can remove ourselves from areas where these laws apply. By doing this we have rendered the laws useless and ineffective. Women will then have to rely on themselves instead of using marriage as their retirement plan. Myself I am use to the different forms of shaming language that is used against me and most of the time find it humorous. The simple fact remains that while others are trying to shame me I am laughing myself all the way into my retirement. I can do this today simply because I understand the laws and human nature which is to take advantage of such laws. My only regret was that I did not learn this lesson sooner than I did. However I am grateful that I did learn this lesson before it was too late. I could have ended up like so many other men that have to work the rest of their lives with no way to retire. I could have ended up like many other men that are forced to live in their cars or sleeping on a friends couch because they are unable to pay both alimony and rent. I could have ended up in jail that has happened to so many men simply because they lost their jobs and were unable to keep up with the alimony payments. So my message has nothing to do with putting down or hating women at all. My message is to simply try and help men from falling pray to women and the misandric laws.

 

P.S. Misandry is the hatred of men.

[flowergirl14]

Back to the original question when does the ws get over it? I was also curious about this . 2 years after the A ended (It ended before I found out) and 1 year after D day, I think rather know he thinks about her. I recently saw on FB that he was trying to look at her profile. The last time he did this was the spring of 2013. Obviously, he' s curious in the least. I have also read many of the posts in the om ow section of this forum and its quite common for the ws to recontact their ap over and over. Sometimes there are multiple ddays. So to say they get over their ap? Eventually maybe or maybe they get their spouse believing that things are great and go ahead and contact the other person again. I know being cynical isnt great but its a heck of a lot more realistic than believing these lying cheating spouses. Sorry but rarely do all the lies and secrets come out. I could ask my h if he thinks about her and of course he'd say no. Yah right!

[revelations]

The other obvious option is to do as my husband has done: find a hard-working woman who will consistently make more than he does, so in the event of separation and divorce, I will be providing him with the balloon payment and alimony, if decreed.

 

Furthermore, he will have a good run at at least partial custody despite a history of addiction and usership. Why? Because he will fight tooth and nail for it. Regardless of the impact it may have on our daughter. And the courts are now much more sympathetic to a man who will request custody, whether he is at all qualified or capable.

 

The same laws that "promoted the female retirement scheme" as you may call it, have now been brought back to bear in an obvious way. As women were making advances legally, women were also becoming more educated and taking on more bread-winning jobs. So then, it is transitioning to it being solely about income levels and not "Gender." Which should be an obvious.

 

In my marriage, I have always produced, worked and dedicated myself to it. In return I have been refused sex, respect, companionship, stability and been chatteled to my investment.

 

You can choose to make it a whining wail about women and the evil that they do. I see that as only a justification to ignore reality and treat women as "less than" and "users" while also justifying your own want to have escorts in place of more long-term relationships. You don't owe anyone that explanation. If it agrees with your own personal values, you don't need to be a "victim of womankind."

 

My marriage has been the *****s for lack of a better term. I don't apply that universally to all men, even though there have been many many ridiculous examples in my own life that I can see lacking basic kindness, courtesy, respect and loyalty for almost anyone, but especially their mates.

 

It isn't a function of gender. It is a function of being a decent human being.... or not. Perhaps it is time most people consider what is between a person's ears instead of their legs before judging them.

 

I have know a few women (as friends) that in the past 20 years either got no child support and in one case had to pay alimony to her ex husband. These cases do happen and are rare from what I have seen. With the family courts they really do look at the color of green verses the gender. So most of the family courts decisions are based on what will cause conflict and has the highest chance of bringing in revenue over the long term. Most of the time the way they do this is to award judgement to the wife and enslave the husband. When I was going through my child support cases I had seen the judge countless times stating that my ex would not let me see the child even with orders. The judge would simply tell the mother to let me see the kid and the case would be dismissed. After a number of months of this and still not being able to see the kid, the mother then requested for an increase in child support. This increase was awarded to her based on the fact that she had the kid full time and I had not seen him. So the end result of her not letting me see my kid was she got a raise in child support. Oh and I had witnesses to the fact that I attempted to pick up the child and had gone to the police station with the court orders. The police refused to help me with this problem, the courts would not enforce a visitation order. However they were happy to take my money, at times all of my money.

 

I do agree with you in that it is best to find a woman that is hard working and will pull her share. I can actually do that short term and be very effective with that. My problem is that when she changes I am usually unable to see that change and unable to guard against it. I don't preach about the "evils of women" instead I point out how they take advantage of a system that is bias. Humans by nature are opportunistic and if given an advantage will use it for all it is worth. I simply point out where this importunity is being exploited and how to avoid it. If someone continues to want to take risks by getting married that is up to them. I simply spread a message to the man that feels something is painfully wrong and looking for a solution to it. For myself I have found that my best solution to the game is not to play it at all.

[Friskyone4u]

It will take her as long to get over her OM as long as you are willing to allow her to continue to be selfish as she has already been. You are not the Chester mane if she is sad she needs to suck it up and tough ****.!

If you continue to allow her to moap around feeling sorry for herself and worry mot about him than you are in a false R

And if you are silly enough to listen to this crap like " can't I stay friends with him" or I can't do NC" or " I need my privacy" , then you will be in limbo for a long time and have a very good chance of it happening again.!

This fog nonsense is a crutch that they fall back on. Either sh wants you or OM,

And give her about 30 minutes to decide. Otherwise you are PLan B.

You do not keep feeding a drug addict drugs. You don't let WW wallow in pity for missing OM

[dichotomy]

It is a well known fact that many a WW recover their marriage and yet do not show remorse for the affair.

 

To get to a point we did for her to apologize and express some modest regret over what she did to me (and others before me) was for her a major step. As I said - regret/shame/accountability is not her strong suit - she lives for today. Two female therapist have helped her grow some on this.

 

Now if we could only get views on sex and marriage and love worked out, I might find some peace. The marriage therapy will resume soon "getting over this" part of her past.

[road]

To get to a point we did for her to apologize and express some modest regret over what she did to me (and others before me) was for her a major step. As I said - regret/shame/accountability is not her strong suit - she lives for today. Two female therapist have helped her grow some on this.

 

Now if we could only get views on sex and marriage and love worked out, I might find some peace. The marriage therapy will resume soon "getting over this" part of her past.

 

 

 

How long from D day did it take for this to happen?

[elaine567]

Any discourse which implies that people who have As are sick and need no time to "get over" what they have done because they are bad people are living an illusion. The feelings that are shared in an A are, in spite of their fantasy basis, none the less real, and need to be dealt with.

 

Agreed. There is a lot of understandable anger gets flung about, a need for revenge and a revelling in punishment too, but the Affair is a fact. It happened. It cannot be rubbed out in an instant.

Something in the marriage went awry and forcing the WS eat to eat gruel and wear a hair shirt, as some would have them do, is not going to solve anything. It may provide some fleeting satisfaction, but there needs to be a forensic examination as to why any long term partner would end up cheating in the first place.

There are always two in a marriage, an affair is often a symptom and unless the core issue gets looked at and solved, then that reconciled marriage is going nowhere.

[Bartlett67]

I think if she has any fond thoughts about an AP, she should be tossed in that General direction with no backward glance from you. I know that if my H ever hints at missing the bitch, then he can have her. I'll be DONE. A sorry day that will be for him, too, because she's no prize anyone would covet.

[dichotomy]

How long from D day did it take for this to happen?

 

 

from D day/NC - 4 years to basic change in view. By 5th year it got better - but still modest regret/change in view. In both cases it took female therapists selected by me... to shake her out of the fog and get some basic accountability. I can remember the look in those female therapist eyes when she tried to minimize it and wave it off when it first came up. My wife saw the look from them as well - and thats when her wall cracked... and "getting over it" started for real.

 

FYI - it is complicated to explain the story but simply it was a hidden EA continuation with a married man she had been a mistress to for years before me. She could not let go. It might sound simple to say "just an EA" but it was a messed up relationship she had with this older MM (and others) and holding on to this - while trying to start a new life with me.

 

Lastly we have been (and are still) battling her formally "high libido days" with OM and many other men just before me - and her continuous withdraw from that sexual interest passion with me as her good husband. We return for another round of therapy soon to continue to work on this issue. The female therapist seems perplexed.

Edited November 23, 2014 by dichotomy

[elaine567]

from D day/NC - 4 years to basic change in view. By 5th year it got better - but still modest regret/change in view. In both cases it took female therapists selected by me... to shake her out of the fog and get some basic accountability. I can remember the look in those female therapist eyes when she tried to minimize it and wave it off when it first came up. My wife saw the look from them as well - and thats when her wall cracked... and "getting over it" started for real.

 

FYI - it is complicated to explain the story but simply it was a hidden EA continuation with a married man she had been a mistress to for years before me. She could not let go. It might sound simple to say "just an EA" but it was a messed up relationship she had with this older MM (and others) and holding on to this - while trying to start a new life with me.

 

Lastly we have been (and are still) battling her formally "high libido days" with OM and many other men just before me - and her continuous withdraw from that sexual interest passion with me as her good husband. We return for another round of therapy soon to continue to work on this issue. The female therapist seems perplexed.

 

If it has taken >4 years for her to accept "basic accountability" are you in fact flogging a dead horse?

Is her accepting "accountability" really essential to your relationship as it is now?

[DKT3]

from D day/NC - 4 years to basic change in view. By 5th year it got better - but still modest regret/change in view. In both cases it took female therapists selected by me... to shake her out of the fog and get some basic accountability. I can remember the look in those female therapist eyes when she tried to minimize it and wave it off when it first came up. My wife saw the look from them as well - and thats when her wall cracked... and "getting over it" started for real.

 

FYI - it is complicated to explain the story but simply it was a hidden EA continuation with a married man she had been a mistress to for years before me. She could not let go. It might sound simple to say "just an EA" but it was a messed up relationship she had with this older MM (and others) and holding on to this - while trying to start a new life with me.

 

Lastly we have been (and are still) battling her formally "high libido days" with OM and many other men just before me - and her continuous withdraw from that sexual interest passion with me as her good husband. We return for another round of therapy soon to continue to work on this issue. The female therapist seems perplexed.

 

Wow, I just don't understand how you continue in this marriage. I actually get your wife from what you've wrote about her. I think she has a hard time showing you that side of her (sexually) because what you think of her matters to her. With the others she was free to explore because what they thought didn't matter.

 

For me she hasn't moved the needle enough.

 

In my situation, she would never confirm her affair, and it was really over before I knew about it. So I don't know how long it took her to get over it. I do know that after 14 months she was served and her whole attitude changed on that day, for me at that time it was too little too late.

[dichotomy]

If it has taken >4 years for her to accept "basic accountability" are you in fact flogging a dead horse?

Is her accepting "accountability" really essential to your relationship as it is now?

 

Not quite dead horse - more like flogging and dragging a dehydrated donkey to a clear stream 10 miles away... and shoving hits head down and forcing it to drink.

 

I got all the accountability I am going to get - it was enough to continue on. I have had her mom and my late father express amazement I accomplished this feat.

 

But What I need now is for our sex life to return to reasonable level. That clear stream is another 10 miles off and we got about 4-5 miles so far.

[dichotomy]

Wow, I just don't understand how you continue in this marriage. I actually get your wife from what you've wrote about her. I think she has a hard time showing you that side of her (sexually) because what you think of her matters to her. With the others she was free to explore because what they thought didn't matter.

 

For me she hasn't moved the needle enough.

 

In my situation, she would never confirm her affair, and it was really over before I knew about it. So I don't know how long it took her to get over it. I do know that after 14 months she was served and her whole attitude changed on that day, for me at that time it was too little too late.

 

 

No she has not.

 

I think you got some of it.

 

She was also out to prove something - find something - during these 4 years of wildness. She had not acted this way for the bulk of her life - until her life went off the cliff. Many of the men she was with were players and had other FB's on going as well - so did she. It was a culture she was in at the time including her new best GF. All of her old friends had been tossed to the side during this period/phase in her life. She was free and applauded to act the way she did.

 

I knew "a little" of her past (not mistress stuff) before I married her - but everyone has some past by this age. It was not till we married that it all came out - including OM/MM being in the picture, her lack of regret over being a mistress, and much more. I decided to stay - because I was newly married and made a commitment, she went NC with that life, and most importantly was willing to give me something I desperately wanted - a child. I was out of time and options for this- having a child with me was more complicated than you could understand. I still stay now (with a low sex marriage) because of this. The price has been high.

 

DKT3 - I admire how you handled your marriage, divorce, short single life, and remarriage. You did it right and I see a good future for you and your once again wife. Your both standing on higher and equal ground with appreciation for each other and what it takes.

 

Since for now divorce means a worse option for me - I stay and drag the donkey more miles to the next river - hoping she drinks enough of that and the needle moves enough.

 

So this WW wins the award for how long and how much to get over it.

Edited November 23, 2014 by dichotomy

[DKT3]

No she has not.

 

I think you got some of it.

 

She was also out to prove something - find something - during these 4 years of wildness. She had not acted this way for the bulk of her life - until her life went off the cliff.

 

I knew "a little" of her past (not mistress stuff) before I married her - but everyone has some past by this age. It was not till we married that it all came out - including OM/MM being in the picture, her lack of regret over being a mistress, and much more. I decided to stay - because I was newly married and made a commitment, she went NC with that life, and most importantly was willing to give me something I desperately wanted (a child). I was output of time and options for this- having a child with me was complicated more that you could understand. I still stay now (with a low sex marriage) because of this.

 

I admire how you handled your marriage, short single life, and remarriage -DKT3. You did it right and I see a good future for you and your once again wife.

 

Since for now divorce means a worse option for me - I stay and drag the horse more miles to the next river - hoping the needle moves more.

 

I didn't sit down a write a plan on it, it mostly sucked, painful lonely and sad. I now have the advantage of having been through it. I had the same fears as most BS's, not wanting my kids around other men, not wanting her with other men, not sure what my life would look like without her. She just didn't do enough, and I felt like I had no other options. Even at that point it took me almost a year to get beyond my fears.

[Steen719]

The other obvious option is to do as my husband has done: find a hard-working woman who will consistently make more than he does, so in the event of separation and divorce, I will be providing him with the balloon payment and alimony, if decreed.

 

Furthermore, he will have a good run at at least partial custody despite a history of addiction and usership. Why? Because he will fight tooth and nail for it. Regardless of the impact it may have on our daughter. And the courts are now much more sympathetic to a man who will request custody, whether he is at all qualified or capable.

 

The same laws that "promoted the female retirement scheme" as you may call it, have now been brought back to bear in an obvious way. As women were making advances legally, women were also becoming more educated and taking on more bread-winning jobs. So then, it is transitioning to it being solely about income levels and not "Gender." Which should be an obvious.

 

In my marriage, I have always produced, worked and dedicated myself to it. In return I have been refused sex, respect, companionship, stability and been chatteled to my investment.

 

You can choose to make it a whining wail about women and the evil that they do. I see that as only a justification to ignore reality and treat women as "less than" and "users" while also justifying your own want to have escorts in place of more long-term relationships. You don't owe anyone that explanation. If it agrees with your own personal values, you don't need to be a "victim of womankind."

 

My marriage has been the *****s for lack of a better term. I don't apply that universally to all men, even though there have been many many ridiculous examples in my own life that I can see lacking basic kindness, courtesy, respect and loyalty for almost anyone, but especially their mates.

 

It isn't a function of gender. It is a function of being a decent human being.... or not. Perhaps it is time most people consider what is between a person's ears instead of their legs before judging them.

 

I agree with DOT on this and I think there are examples to be found from both sides. I was in a similar situation. My XH cheated on me 8 years into the marriage; we reconciled (I rug swept) and life went on. My son was only 7 and I thought this was the right thing to do. That isn't the point, though. I worked hard all though our marriage and had a house when I met him. He had nothing. He got an education and worked as an RN. He became ill, had to have a transplant, I worked as much as I could, refinanced the house, tried to help my son as much as I could pay for college and he had the transplant and we came home. Within 6 months, he was cheating on me AGAIN with another old girlfriend. I divorced him. He wanted alimony and part of my retirement; he wanted me to pay more than he did for the house while he actively dated someone else, he all but forgot his son and if I had not had the leverage of providing insurance for him under temporary continuing coverage, I would have been in a fight for all of this. I did not have to pay, except for the insurance, but only because he needed the insurance. The house in in foreclosure and he has been living there for free. He didn't help with any expenses for my son to finish college or move across country for his first professional job. NOT ONE PENNY. He has a young girlfriend living in the house with him and she has a young child. Maybe he can keep this one. I don't care about the girlfriend, but he only texts my son, doesn't even call him on his birthday.

 

Anyway, my point is getting screwed in divorce isn't just for men. It is equal opportunity.

 

Oh, and by the way, I worked two jobs for all these years since all of this to help my son with college expenses and keep his loans at a minimum. My brother helped him move and my son paid him back in 4 months.

 

There are many wonderful men out there who end up on the wrong end of the stick and there are many wonderful women who do, too. I agree with DOT - let's look at whats between their ears.

[jnel921]

It's been over 17 years since my first H's A and over 2 Years since my 2nd H's A.

 

I have not "gotten over it".

 

I think with time, it hurts less. You can move on and it not be a factor in every decision you make.

 

The A's themselves have long lasting effects. Every situation is unique. In the case of my first M. We D and my kids didn't grow up with both their biological parents in the home. My exH and I had a very strained relationship that included order of protections, limited visitation with his kids, and him just making bad choices before considering his kids. The memories of his betrayal is vivid in my mind to this very day. He never changed his spots.

 

With my second M. We are together and things are better. Although the biggest hurt is that my H knew why my First M ended and it surprised me that he went there too. I still sometimes feel like WTF??? The memory of his betrayal is still there. I may think of it every now and then. But it does hurt less. Only because my H has done the work. He wants me and his family. He shows me this everyday. I have no doubt in my mind that he is being sincere. I am grateful for that. Which is the biggest reason why I chose to R with him.

 

There is a big difference. But I will never get "over it." I can only get past it...and forge ahead like many other BS here who are trying.

 

Good Luck to you.

[fellini]

Well if you are going to use the "addiction" analogy, we should be very clear about the reality:

 

You cannot ask a cocaine addict (affair addict) coming down off her high to prove to you she is a heroine (LTR addict) addict instead. When people are coming out of addiction in an affair they have to pass through detox. Detox does not take "all of 30 minutes" not for an affair addiction nor for a cocaine addiction.

 

If you tell a cocaine addict - clean up your act now, you have 30 minutes or we divorce.... well you have set impossible goals on your own interests. Although a self righteous BS could adopt the position "I didn't bring this upon me", and be perfectly correct in saying that, a BS who truly wishes reconciliation is going to have to swallow a huge pill: her addiction to her AP is real and needs treatment as well.

 

In fact I called my WS on this after a month: Where is your grief for the AP? If I don't see it, then you are either hiding it, or you are not allowing yourself to feel it. And surely this contributes to how a WS, after months of "remorse" ends up back in the saddle with the same AP. Choosing to stay in a marriage and reconcile means having to live with our own trauma, and witness the detox of the affair in our WS. Not an easy task by any means.

 

 

It will take her as long to get over her OM as long as you are willing to allow her to continue to be selfish as she has already been. You are not the Chester mane if she is sad she needs to suck it up and tough ****.!

If you continue to allow her to moap around feeling sorry for herself and worry mot about him than you are in a false R

And if you are silly enough to listen to this crap like " can't I stay friends with him" or I can't do NC" or " I need my privacy" , then you will be in limbo for a long time and have a very good chance of it happening again.!

This fog nonsense is a crutch that they fall back on. Either sh wants you or OM,

And give her about 30 minutes to decide. Otherwise you are PLan B.

You do not keep feeding a drug addict drugs. You don't let WW wallow in pity for missing OM

[Rainbowlove]

I'm 367 days out of my affair. It's been a very rocky year. One filled with intense grief for all the hurt I've caused to others (though I know I did not act alone). I would describe this year as "the manic" year. Every day is filled with different emotions. At times, I've felt completely insane because life is stripped down to pure raw emotions and as the wayward spouse, we sit in the **** storm we created.

 

I hope the next 365 days are less manic and more stable. My partner and I are in recovery. We have 20 years together and a young child. I wake up everyday grateful for 2nd chances. I now live life in the moment - one day at a time.

 

Getting over it for me means finding self-forgiveness somewhere down the road. I'm not there yet. That much I know.

Edited November 27, 2014 by Rainbowlove