twosadthings Posted November 18, 2014 Share Posted November 18, 2014 I don't think that a person can ever "get over it". It would take a lobotomy to never have it come up in your mind at varying points for the rest of your life. Perhaps the only way to truly get over it is to get over her. Measure the pros and cons of staying with her and do the same for being without her. See if the pros out weigh the cons and hope that they will help you deal with low spots that will inevitably happen. A truly remorseful spouse is the paramount ingredient for remaining married to a betrayer. Think and chose carefully, Twosadthings 2 Link to post Share on other sites
dichotomy Posted November 18, 2014 Share Posted November 18, 2014 Measure the pros and cons of staying with her and do the same for being without her. See if the pros out weigh the cons and hope that they will help you deal with low spots that will inevitably happen. Yep - thats it. And you should update and rerun that spreadsheet from time to time. Link to post Share on other sites
firemanq Posted November 18, 2014 Share Posted November 18, 2014 I get the booby prize. I knew she lied and cheated on me during the marriage, for 18 years. We supposedly were working on reconciliation, when she moved 80 miles away and took the kids. Almost immediately she moved FF in with her and my kids. True to form, she also cheated on FF, often staying out all night. I did not feel any sympathy for FF. One morning I woke up and knew I was done. I pulled off my ring and tossed it in the trash can. I called my lawyer and told him I was off my ass and for him to get me free. My attitude changed, I looked forward to each new day and when she called, I hung up unless it was about the kids. Now I am with a lady who loves me for me. We have 25 + years together, and are enjoying getting old together. I claim her daughter as my daughter, her grandkids are my grandkids. Life is good. And the evil bitch, I am indifferent to her. Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted November 18, 2014 Share Posted November 18, 2014 A truly remorseful spouse is the paramount ingredient for remaining married to a betrayer. This ^^^ is what I was thinking. Much of whether or not the BS can forgive has to do with whether or not the WS deserves to be forgiven. Personally, I see infidelity as a sign of a personal problem within the wayward. It's a sign of a broken person who used a really crappy coping mechanism. While it was not an accident, for some it is a horribly regrettable mistake and for those willing to do what it takes to recover, I see it as a forgivable offense. I think the real trick is trying to figure out which kind of wayward you have on your hands. Any wayward can do temporary damage control when their marriage, family, reputation, and career are on the line. Any wayward can lie out of self-preservation and feign true remorse when it's really just true regret over being caught. It took me eight months to determine that my wife was still lying. And while I might have been able to forgive an affair, I could not reconcile with someone who was actively lying to my face. Thus, I believe pretty intently about continuing to investigate for a prolonged period after Dday. For those waywards who are truly remorseful, the opportunity to prove themselves will be well-received. And when you investigate and find nothing, you both win. I see nothing wrong with granting a second chance and making sure they earn it. I also see nothing wrong with those who immediately choose divorce. And I also empthize with those who (after some time) realize that they just will never be able to forgive and subsequently decide to divorce. In order to successfully reconcile, while the wayward must be truly remorseful, the betrayed must also be truly forgiving. It's a tall order for both people and frankly, I think it's quite rare. To circle back around, I agree with twosadthings that true remorse is the first and paramount requirement. So how long your decision takes has a lot to do with how long it takes for you to be convinced that your wayward is truly remorseful. Personally, I think one or two months is way too short a period to make that assessment - I was still heavily doubting my wife at six months and wouldn't doubt that it could have taken years to feel secure again. Sadly, too many BHs (like myself) try to put the cart before the horse by forgiving before true remorse is established. Drifter refers to this as "cheap forgiveness" and I think he's right. IMHO, true remorse is established by "consistent actions over time." There is no way to rush it. Fast is slow and slow is fast. Many BSs discover that they don't have the patience for this discovery process to play out. I think that's fair. Other find that they cannot forgive even if the wayward is truly remorseful. I think that's fair, too. Many simply don't know and decide to keep investing time in hopes that the wayward's true remorse will become evident and think about their potential ability to forgive in the meantime. And in a lengthy marriage, perhaps investing another 12 months or so to allow the process to play out is worth it. I think that's also fair. How long will it take? It depends on her AND it depends on you. Making it will require success on the part of both parties (true remorse and true forgiveness); divorcing will require the failure of only one of you. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Friskyone4u Posted November 18, 2014 Share Posted November 18, 2014 As you can see, it is different for everyone since no two situations are identical and no two people are identical. However, I think if you do some research you will find that the percentage of successful reconciliation in much less where the female cheats on her husband. I believe the main reason for that is because women are more emotionally involved with the OM , many times before the sex starts, and they have a much harder time detaching from OM. Thus, the constant reference to the so Called "fog". With men as WS, once the sex stops the affair usually ends. You do not read on this or any other forum too many instances where men who are caught cheating are willing to break up their marriages with no sex involved any more. The "fog" with women makes NC a more difficult process as well. You say she is doing everything right. What exactly does that entail.? If you choose to stay, you must accept that while you will still be married to her but get it out of your head that the relationship will be the same. She killed the old marriage and the new one will not be exactly the same. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
TheBladeRunner Posted November 18, 2014 Share Posted November 18, 2014 I filed within 3 days to secure a custody agreement with my daughter. You cheat, you're out! End of story. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
flowergirl14 Posted November 22, 2014 Share Posted November 22, 2014 You could give two people the exact set of circumstances and they would make different decisions. There is no right or wrong decision its a personal one. However, a year out and I am feeling much better after my husbands A. I' m not over it. I'm still suspicious and I still consider divorce quite a bit. However, a lot of the emotional components have eased up. I'm not crying, or angry. I'm more in an objective place. A far cry from a year ago. I don' t know wether you have kids but I think they would rather have both there parents together unless there is a lot of fighting going on at home. I'm going to give reconciliation my all. If or when I decide to divorce I 'd like to think my attitude will be the glass half full one. No i didnt waste time on my ws rather i fought for a 20 year marriage and kept my household intact for however long. If you are truly miserable after a year then get out. It wont be time wasted. Rather time to make sure you are making a sound decision for yourself. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
xAkulax Posted November 23, 2014 Share Posted November 23, 2014 Time is irrelevant. She will probably do everything right for a time, just to try and keep her marriage intact. However, her affair gives you insight into her character. You have to ask yourself if you still want to be married to a woman that you obviously cannot trust to remain faithful. My now ex wife cheated on me, and I had no desire for reconciliation. I have since found a great girl, that I enjoy being with, that I can actually trust. This is a very accurate statement the wayward spouse upon the discovery of the affair is in full-blown survival mode and will do everything they have to do to ensure the survivability of their marriage an the subsequent benefits that come with it whenever I read a betrayed spouse talk about there WS "doing all the right things" I always ask myself are you sure there actions or sincere or merely out of desperation. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
LifesontheUp Posted November 23, 2014 Share Posted November 23, 2014 This is a very accurate statement the wayward spouse upon the discovery of the affair is in full-blown survival mode and will do everything they have to do to ensure the survivability of their marriage an the subsequent benefits that come with it whenever I read a betrayed spouse talk about there WS "doing all the right things" I always ask myself are you sure there actions or sincere or merely out of desperation. Yep, I also wondered about the sincerity of his actions. Turned out he was sincere, but I didn't want his sincerity just him signing on the dotted line to finalise our divorce. Even all these years later he still tells me it was the worse period of his life and he blew every chance he had to stay with me. While it took me 6 months to decide on a divorce. I can attest that life does move on afterwards and can be better Link to post Share on other sites
Friskyone4u Posted November 23, 2014 Share Posted November 23, 2014 One question is why is she doing all the right things??? Did you catch her or did she confess?? If you caught her it would probably still be going on. Did you expose to OM wife if there was one?? If not, why not? Questions could go on and on but only you can decide if you can get past it. If her OM dumped her because you caught them she could be doing everything right because now she is afraid . And she may be trying to buy you off with sex. Don't fall for it. Everyone's situation is entirely different . Just do not reconcile to avoid divorce unless you can get through this . You will not have any guarantees she will not do it again and you will not have your old marriage back. You must accept that. And if your other posts indicating she is still mourning him are correct as long as that goes on you are not in R Link to post Share on other sites
Trotters Posted November 25, 2014 Share Posted November 25, 2014 Just out of interest, ive read many posts suggesting couples counselling, marriage counselling etc after infidelity. However has anyone experienced this actually working & the marriage being better?. I know everyone is different & that's why im asking because ive read some people suggesting it & others saying things like the trust has gone what would a counsellor do?. For me if the trust has gone, only I/we can get it back. A counsellor cant make me trust him/her again, they will listen & give suggestions but its down to the individual at the end of the day. Link to post Share on other sites
jm2013 Posted November 25, 2014 Share Posted November 25, 2014 Just out of interest, ive read many posts suggesting couples counselling, marriage counselling etc after infidelity. However has anyone experienced this actually working & the marriage being better?. I know everyone is different & that's why im asking because ive read some people suggesting it & others saying things like the trust has gone what would a counsellor do?. For me if the trust has gone, only I/we can get it back. A counsellor cant make me trust him/her again, they will listen & give suggestions but its down to the individual at the end of the day. I guess it depends on how you view your marriage. We go to counseling and they help make sense if your internal struggles. It feels good to dump it all out and make sense of it. I'm not even sure if there can be 100% trust rebuilt into the marriage. For example, let's say you reconcile and 10 years later your wife starts going to girls nights out with co workers etc. Would you revisit those old thoughts? Would you start questioning things all over again? The whole point is to try and rebuild trust after such a disastrous event. Do I trust my wife with some things? Absolutely. I trust she will do certain things every day. Do I trust she'll be committed to only me for the rest of our lives? Hell no. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Trotters Posted November 25, 2014 Share Posted November 25, 2014 Do I trust she'll be committed to only me for the rest of our lives? Hell no. Why?, has she cheated on you, or is that just a general thought? Link to post Share on other sites
jm2013 Posted November 25, 2014 Share Posted November 25, 2014 Do I trust she'll be committed to only me for the rest of our lives? Hell no. Why?, has she cheated on you, or is that just a general thought? Yes, she has. Link to post Share on other sites
Trotters Posted November 27, 2014 Share Posted November 27, 2014 Why?, has she cheated on you, or is that just a general thought? Yes, she has. Sorry to pry, but if you aren't sure she still wont stay committed then why did you choose to stay?. Link to post Share on other sites
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