When it rains it pours

[No_Go]

Another thought that I have - the concerns will be EXACTLY the same if he proposed marriage and set a wedding date. They stll could figure out they're incompatible and need to cancel the wedding.

 

I also find it striking Venus is saving for a car and not for relocation, which should be N1 priority if she wan't to marry this guy.

 

The alternative is clear. She goes back to the dating carousel and finds someone local. Timeline - starting dating de novo with best success puts her in her current position of a serious relationship by end of 2017 (that's even very optimistic). Wedding/pregnancy - not before end of 2018 in this scenario. And zero guarantee that the imaginary Mr New will be richer (which here is he main concern from everything written... ). I still can't understand why an educated woman with a masters degree etc can't step up and become the breadwinner in the couple if her bf is really in a worse financial situation than her (sounds like they're about equal).

 

Here is what I see through all the posts: Venus wants marriage with a man who is better off financially, she'll be willing and happy to have a supporting but not primary role in bread winning. She likes this guy but he doesn't fit the aforementioned description that she and her peers expect. She may reconsider if and only if this guy offer a marital commitment though because the peer-pressure for a husband in general is higher than for having a wealthy husband...

 

 

From your last post you have an indefinable amount of reasons why you cannot go find a job and find a place in NO and actually never can unless you get married to him.

 

What strikes me the most though is that you said you are saving for a car.

If this relocation was a serious prospect then surely you would be saving to relocate?

 

Your lease is up next month and you seem to be putting that as some kind of deadline on things. You can actually alleviate that entirely yourself and agree to a new lease or a shorter lease some place in CA and then see how the relationship pans out instead of putting the relationship under pressure (and yourself also) by October and the end of the lease being the make or break time.

Relationships and leases are different things and if you value the relationship then a lease is just a technicality - Heck! 6 months of a new lease could give you time to find a new job, save for that relocation, get to know him better and prepare for moving if you decide to do so.

Edited September 14, 2016 by No_Go

[Sometymeswhy]

Venus, it seems like you have been working in an environment with successful professional men for quite some time without any success dating them. Why is that? I'm thinking that these young men have many options, especially in Southern California where there is a sense that one can always do better...there are different ways to live your life and the striver mentality is not a long term guarantee for happiness. We understand this as we age.

 

The older we get the harder is is to find everything we are looking for. There are fewer perfect guys around and our tastes are becoming more refined. Those of us who got married in our mid 20's threw caution to the wind and married someone we thought had a lot of potential. We went for it with a "two of us against the world" approach. There's lots of time to take risks and seek out happiness and career satisfaction.

 

Now you are still very young but have had several years to hone in on your dreams. They are becoming more and more specific with time. Unless you love him unconditionally you are setting yourself up for disappointment with all of your requirements. He has already established his way of life and will not dramatically change.

 

What to do? If you truly love this man I think you are taking the right steps in researching job opportunities and analyzing the logistics of the move. Keep going with that. However if there is a nagging feeling deep down that you are settling and may grow to resent him down the road then why not open yourself up to dating in your own city? Step up your efforts to meet someone else. There are websites designed for successful people.

 

Btw I think your idea of going to law school is excellent. It would open up many doors for you. Plus you would not be relying on some guy to provide all of your happiness. This has put too much pressure on the men you are with. Going from an administrative position to a professional position will raise your standard of living on your own and up your status in the dating world.

[venusishername]

- your post above seems mostly similar to the posts you've made before, same issues and concerns your still having... Seems like you're going in circles again...

 

- one big thing I don't understand is why are you not willing to take a month leave without pay at work? Why is that a big deal? I wouldn't want to quit a job I loved over being away for a month either, that seems too extreme. Your job sounds stable and I take it you're a paralegal or something similar, why is leave so out of the question?

 

- I also think you're letting your past affect ur future too much. Living with your bf for a month a totally feasible, it's not permanent and much more practical than renting your own place if you wanna save money. That way also has the added bonus of spending more time with him n getting to know him deeper than living apart.

 

- other options I see for you may not be ones you'd even consider, 1) is having a baby with your bf now, that will force him to make a decision whether to come to you or 2) tell your bf it is too hard and consider opening yourself up to options locally. That might also force him to step up. 3) break up and start dating again locally, it's not too late, honestly if you meet the right person you can be married and pregnant within a year!

That's right, it feels like nothing has changed much except we are more invested.

You are right, I know I'm letting my past influence me a lot here. It's really hard not to, considering last time I left CA for someone who wasn't offering me anything but half his bed was a very naïve and foolish move on my part.

 

 

I am shocked and appalled by your suggestion to intentionally get pregnant to trap him to make a decision. I don't want to be a single mom. I'm not desperate to have a child. I was sure I have been very clear about that. I want to get MARRIED, and then have a family, be it one child, two, or none. Having a child is completely secondary to me, I would far rather be married. He knows that and he agrees with me that he would rather we be married first before having a child. I COULD leave this relationship and be open to dating in my own city, in the wild hopes that I could possibly meet someone, fall in love, get married, and have a child within a year, but we all know that's pretty unlikely considering my track record. I honestly think it is easier for some people to find relationships and have those things. Maybe it comes easy for you, but it doesn't come easy for me. Remember I was single for 4 years before I met my current boyfriend. No one could understand why because they think I'm smart, beautiful and have a lot to offer. I can't tell you why it didn't work out with guys I met in my own city. So I stopped looking. And then my bf found me in another city. Go figure.

 

Also- the reason why it's a big deal to take a leave at my job is- because that is my employer's rule. I could take 2 weeks unpaid leave, that's it. I could ASK for a month off, but they would not allow this. I already know it. Particularly if they knew I wasn't sure I'd come back, are you kidding? I could take two weeks unpaid leave, but what good would that do? I would have to have a dang good reason, and one of those reasons for taking a leave would be to potentially relocate. They're not going to go for that. I'm not taking a leave. I'm staying, or quitting.

From your last post you have an indefinable amount of reasons why you cannot go find a job and find a place in NO and actually never can unless you get married to him.

 

What strikes me the most though is that you said you are saving for a car.

If this relocation was a serious prospect then surely you would be saving to relocate?

 

Your lease is up next month and you seem to be putting that as some kind of deadline on things. You can actually alleviate that entirely yourself and agree to a new lease or a shorter lease some place in CA and then see how the relationship pans out instead of putting the relationship under pressure (and yourself also) by October and the end of the lease being the make or break time.

Relationships and leases are different things and if you value the relationship then a lease is just a technicality - Heck! 6 months of a new lease could give you time to find a new job, save for that relocation, get to know him better and prepare for moving if you decide to do so.

Your comment about saving for the car has been taken out of context. The reason that I have all along been putting money aside (or trying to) for a new car someday, down payment, etc. is because that had nothing to do with my boyfriend, potentially relocating, etc. Basically, I have been attempting to put money away for a period of time now, with the intention of buying those things some day. Now, I have spent much of my savings on these trips and travel with him, so basically I haven't got very far. I haven't put my focus into saving to relocate yet, which is why I said I have been saving for a car, down payment, etc.

 

The rest of your post really makes me feel better, and I think you're right. There's no need to put this deadline of October on the table. I guess my big concern is that nothing has really changed, no real, actual concrete progress has been made to close the distance, no saving together, no saving separately towards a relocation, only talk about it. In the beginning I thought there was a chance that he would move here, because he talked about it. He doesn't follow through on that so I consider that a lost cause. It also makes me doubt his commitment and seriousness, that he would mention it but not do anything about it. I guess all he's willing to offer me right now is to live with him and to help support me as much as he possibly was able to, with no strings attached, only talk about the future.

He does say things like he wants to talk about and plan for the future, but talk is talk. It seems we aren't ready for real action.

Although I agree with your analysis, I find 1) and 2) downright dangerous.Especially manipulating him with a baby - remember this man had 2 kids and NEVER married the mother, was never constant part of their life while they grew up. History will repeat - this in not a man to be conned into things.

Yeah, this seriously upsets me, the suggestion and also the fact that he had two kids and he never married the mother and wasn't a constant part of the kids' lives. He's definitely there for them now and is very close with his son, etc. but I am scared ****less that I could end up in the same boat.

And I would NEVER intentionally get pregnant to con him.

If I were you, I'd never ever move there with no job for so many reasons. Him 'supporting' you, even with food IS playing house. You are just dating, don't put the horse in front of the cartridge. Second - going there without a job will make him your sole source of social interaction - I bet you'd hate each other before you know it because of this social isolation and pressure. Third - you are still talking about a test drive (subletting for a month etc). If you are to go for it - do it 100% in, or don't do it at all - I bet he can read your hesitation and that's contagious.

 

I don't see how you can have a baby within next year even if you engage tomorrow - there still will be 6 months minimum to a wedding - plan realistically. I also don't see why your life will be doomed if you live and work in NO - obviously you can date others there if this relationship fails, find other jobs there etc. I'm saying it from the position of someone who has done the moving (2x to different countries). And if you want fine life - what's wrong with you being the main breadwinner?? He is supporting his daily expenses, it's not like he'll be dependent on you. And btw - the house is his inheritance, right? I wouldn't worry about a downpayment if so - you can live there indefinitely (maybe save for renovations).

 

Just send 5-10 resumes and see the response. You don't know before doing it. I think that's the next step if you want marriage, not ring dreaming.

I disagree with your timeline, (you are worse than me with the timelines!!) because we really can't predict these things. Wouldn't that be nice if we could!! I was very sure I'd be married with three kids and a white picket fence at 25! HA!!

But it doesn't hurt to send out a couple resumes. I'm going to do that this weekend.

I don't know that he is legally going to inherit his father's house; the way he has phrased it to me is that he pays the rent on it and maintains the entire property, and basically has taken it over. To me that means he is the caretaker and pays the rent and bills. He may actually legally inherit the place, I am not sure. He never told me the fine print.

I agree with you on one thing.... If I go there, it is all in or nothing. It would seem untrue to do it half-assed. That's what one of my best friends told me too, all or nothing. I agree there. No subletting. That's more pressure. I'm not ready, and I'm not sure yet.

 

There are going to be loads of "what ifs" in a scenario like this. I don't blame you one bit for being hesitant to take the plunge. There is no way in hell that I would do it, if I were in your shoes.

 

That said, if you are going to make all of these sacrifices and take all of this risk, your boyfriend needs to also have some skin in the game. In my view, he needs to contribute financially to this undertaking in a substantial way, not just buying food. The two of you need to sit down and figure out a savings plan to accumulate the $3-5000 you will need to go out there. (I personally don't think 2-3000 is enough.). Both of you need to be saving toward it, not just you. And I totally agree that you need your own place. I also think you should not solely rely on him for transport. Is there decent public transport in New Orleans?

 

I'm also a bit alarmed by you subletting your current place when it's not allowed and having to rely on your roommate to agree to let you sublet. (I wouldn't agree to that if I were your roommate.). Have you told her this might be the plan so she can make an informed decision about whether or not to renew the lease with you?

 

Finally...at worst it costs you inconvenience and money. You will eventually find a job and a place to live and work things out. You can always go back to CA. You just need to figure out if it's worth all that to try and find out if this is the right guy for you. Honestly, you don't sound convinced at all that it's worth it.

My current roommate is moving out in two weeks. I need to find a new person to sign on another year with me on October 1. So if I were to leave, or attempt to sublet, I would have to clear it with someone I don't know is my roommate yet.

I'm not convinced that it is worth all of that either. I could stay here and change nothing, and stay safe, or actually find out and deal with it. I do love NOLA, and I even looked at gyms, and yoga studios online today there.

 

Another thought that I have - the concerns will be EXACTLY the same if he proposed marriage and set a wedding date. They stll could figure out they're incompatible and need to cancel the wedding.

 

I also find it striking Venus is saving for a car and not for relocation, which should be N1 priority if she wan't to marry this guy.

 

The alternative is clear. She goes back to the dating carousel and finds someone local. Timeline - starting dating de novo with best success puts her in her current position of a serious relationship by end of 2017 (that's even very optimistic). Wedding/pregnancy - not before end of 2018 in this scenario. And zero guarantee that the imaginary Mr New will be richer (which here is he main concern from everything written... ). I still can't understand why an educated woman with a masters degree etc can't step up and become the breadwinner in the couple if her bf is really in a worse financial situation than her (sounds like they're about equal).

 

Here is what I see through all the posts: Venus wants marriage with a man who is better off financially, she'll be willing and happy to have a supporting but not primary role in bread winning. She likes this guy but he doesn't fit the aforementioned description that she and her peers expect. She may reconsider if and only if this guy offer a marital commitment though because the peer-pressure for a husband in general is higher than for having a wealthy husband...

I realize that we could get engaged, hell, even get married and realize we aren't compatible. But I need some real ACTION on his part, be that saving up with me to help my relocation costs, and/or making a real commitment like a marriage proposal. I don't want to play house. I am really putting my foot down here. I realize that it would be real easy if I just packed up and moved in with him to ease into living there and finding work.

See above about the saving for a car. I am basically just saving money for a large expense. Now this has come up so I can choose to save for that now.

I do want marriage and I was hoping to find someone in my own city of course and who had a good financial backing so I wouldn't have to worry so much about money and whether he has outstanding parking tickets that cause him to get a boot on his car.

 

Venus, it seems like you have been working in an environment with successful professional men for quite some time without any success dating them. Why is that? I'm thinking that these young men have many options, especially in Southern California where there is a sense that one can always do better...there are different ways to live your life and the striver mentality is not a long term guarantee for happiness. We understand this as we age.

 

The older we get the harder is is to find everything we are looking for. There are fewer perfect guys around and our tastes are becoming more refined. Those of us who got married in our mid 20's threw caution to the wind and married someone we thought had a lot of potential. We went for it with a "two of us against the world" approach. There's lots of time to take risks and seek out happiness and career satisfaction.

 

Now you are still very young but have had several years to hone in on your dreams. They are becoming more and more specific with time. Unless you love him unconditionally you are setting yourself up for disappointment with all of your requirements. He has already established his way of life and will not dramatically change.

 

What to do? If you truly love this man I think you are taking the right steps in researching job opportunities and analyzing the logistics of the move. Keep going with that. However if there is a nagging feeling deep down that you are settling and may grow to resent him down the road then why not open yourself up to dating in your own city? Step up your efforts to meet someone else. There are websites designed for successful people.

 

Btw I think your idea of going to law school is excellent. It would open up many doors for you. Plus you would not be relying on some guy to provide all of your happiness. This has put too much pressure on the men you are with. Going from an administrative position to a professional position will raise your standard of living on your own and up your status in the dating world.

 

 

 

I'm not sure why it didn't work out with the professional men in my field. Isn't that the million dollar question!?!

I would consider going to law school in New Orleans, because I could live for a lot less money there and not be paying so much in rent to live in CA.

I could also lean on him for some support financially (I think) if I were to do that. He said he would like to help me in any way he can.

Edited September 15, 2016 by venusishername

[lil_missy]

I didn't mean that you should con him into moving by having a baby at all. That was communicated poorly by me. For some reason I thought you really wanted a baby and was suggesting asking him to be a sperm donor sort of lol. Coz the way I see it there is an age limit on having a biological child, but there is no age limit on finding love and getting married so I personally would be less concerned with the latter. But that's imposing my own ideas and priorities on you I'm sorry. I won't mention that again.

 

Curious about the idea of going back to law school, doesn't that cost a lot? Like 40k a year or something? Do you wanna do that when you guys are already struggling to afford everything that you want? Not dissing the value of investing in education but still not everyone can afford law school...

[No_Go]

Yay for the resumes! Here YOU are showing action (the same way how you wait for action from him, he may do the same for you). Because you say you are making all sacrifices but for now - it has been just talk.

 

Basically just talk and dreaming... Like going back to school - with your debt and desire to have a kid very soon - it is a far fetched ungrounded dream. My friendly suggestion is to evaluate the reality in reality's term for this relationship and in general and go from there. E.g. figure out his house situation - much more important than his words he'll support you (with money that he doesn't have:P). Figure out if he really wants more kids (saying he's 'open to it' is not informative). Figure out do you want marriage or symbols(ring/wedding) - for speedy marriage maybe if you go without a ring and wedding, just elope, you can uber-fast track it.

 

Nothing is catastrophic in your situation - just evaluate it and take action!

Edited September 15, 2016 by No_Go

[clia]

It honestly seems like you are trying to convince yourself to do this because you are worried it's your "last chance" (so to speak). But on some level, you know there are issues looming and likely won't work out; hence, your hesitation.

 

I've thought about your situation, and it just seems like after a year together (even long distance), plans to close the distance should be more concrete. Instead, you are about to sign another year lease that gives you very little flexibility. I mean, when your lease is up in two weeks, you could've put your stuff in storage and gone to LA. You could've gotten a room/AirBnb somewhere and waited tables until you found a job. Worst case, you could move in with your boyfriend. It's really not as complicated as you are making it out to be, if you truly want to be together and want to give it a shot.

[No_Go]

Just a note on the lease issue: it is not a big deal at all - IME landlords give flexibility IF you find them replacement tenants. E.g. in my personal experience:

 

1) I had to move for a job to another city: found a guy to sublease from me , landlord agreed

2) I broke up with an ex: landlord agreed to break the lease and write a new one for the replacement tenants that I found

3) I wanted to keep flexibility once - asked my landlord of an year to switch to month-to-month (i.e. tenant at will) and he agreed

 

All three variants worked just fine. Landlords are acutely aware that people switch jobs and start/leave relationships. It is a problem only if you don't want to put any effort in finding tenants.

 

Also the idea for a temporary job like waitress etc it's great - then the job down time can be close to zero.

 

The only LTR-from-the-start that I've seen working - they were punctual about visits twice a month for 1 year, then she got a job interview (and got pregnant in the same time haha) and moved to him at about the 1.5 year mark. But at 1 year their plans were very concrete - she made the necessary moves. They married I think around the 3 year mark. She was older then venus (36-37 or so when the started dating, married at 39-40).

 

 

It honestly seems like you are trying to convince yourself to do this because you are worried it's your "last chance" (so to speak). But on some level, you know there are issues looming and likely won't work out; hence, your hesitation.

 

I've thought about your situation, and it just seems like after a year together (even long distance), plans to close the distance should be more concrete. Instead, you are about to sign another year lease that gives you very little flexibility. I mean, when your lease is up in two weeks, you could've put your stuff in storage and gone to LA. You could've gotten a room/AirBnb somewhere and waited tables until you found a job. Worst case, you could move in with your boyfriend. It's really not as complicated as you are making it out to be, if you truly want to be together and want to give it a shot.

[venusishername]

I didn't mean that you should con him into moving by having a baby at all. That was communicated poorly by me. For some reason I thought you really wanted a baby and was suggesting asking him to be a sperm donor sort of lol. Coz the way I see it there is an age limit on having a biological child, but there is no age limit on finding love and getting married so I personally would be less concerned with the latter. But that's imposing my own ideas and priorities on you I'm sorry. I won't mention that again.

 

Curious about the idea of going back to law school, doesn't that cost a lot? Like 40k a year or something? Do you wanna do that when you guys are already struggling to afford everything that you want? Not dissing the value of investing in education but still not everyone can afford law school...

Yeah, you had it all wrong. I'm not looking for a sperm donor. If I wanted to get knocked up I'd have plenty of opportunity for that and am not interested in being a single mom.

 

I would take loans, which is how I could afford to go to university for my BA. Law school is very expensive, it requires scholarships, grants, financial aid, loans, etc. It was just a thought. I would probably be more likely to do it if I was living with him, able to not have to spend so much money to live (like I do now), and was in a position where I wasn't forced to work full time to support my lifestyle, as I am now.

 

Yay for the resumes! Here YOU are showing action (the same way how you wait for action from him, he may do the same for you). Because you say you are making all sacrifices but for now - it has been just talk.

 

Basically just talk and dreaming... Like going back to school - with your debt and desire to have a kid very soon - it is a far fetched ungrounded dream. My friendly suggestion is to evaluate the reality in reality's term for this relationship and in general and go from there. E.g. figure out his house situation - much more important than his words he'll support you (with money that he doesn't have:P). Figure out if he really wants more kids (saying he's 'open to it' is not informative). Figure out do you want marriage or symbols(ring/wedding) - for speedy marriage maybe if you go without a ring and wedding, just elope, you can uber-fast track it.

 

Nothing is catastrophic in your situation - just evaluate it and take action!

I agree with you, nothing is catastrophic. I'm making it more complicated than it needs to be. I'm looking into short term rentals there, will send out a couple resumes soon, just for the hell of it, maybe I can talk to someone at one of the firms I apply to for some guidance, etc. My bf and I are really getting to know each other and talking about many things that would come down to the wire as far as every day living together, etc. I don't see why there needs to be a big rush to make this all happen in under a year's time.

 

It honestly seems like you are trying to convince yourself to do this because you are worried it's your "last chance" (so to speak). But on some level, you know there are issues looming and likely won't work out; hence, your hesitation.

 

I've thought about your situation, and it just seems like after a year together (even long distance), plans to close the distance should be more concrete. Instead, you are about to sign another year lease that gives you very little flexibility. I mean, when your lease is up in two weeks, you could've put your stuff in storage and gone to LA. You could've gotten a room/AirBnb somewhere and waited tables until you found a job. Worst case, you could move in with your boyfriend. It's really not as complicated as you are making it out to be, if you truly want to be together and want to give it a shot.

Yes, you are right I could have ended my lease now and moved there, but it is a HUGE decision for me, and I have some hesitations, but there are things I am not sure I am making a bigger deal than they need to be, or they are legitimate concerns. I think I may be a lot closer to making a move now than I was last month, months ago, etc. I don't feel under/about one year as a long distance relationship is enough time to be 100% ready to quit your job, move out of the place you love, and move across the country. At least not for me.

Just a note on the lease issue: it is not a big deal at all - IME landlords give flexibility IF you find them replacement tenants.

 

Also the idea for a temporary job like waitress etc it's great - then the job down time can be close to zero.

I know a lot about renting and leases. Leases are very easily broken. I've done it before and I don't see that signing on another year lease binds me to staying in the same place. I would be obligated to pay in the event that he couldn't find a replacement, that is all it means.

Yeah, I could find work as a cocktail waitress or something, sure. But then I'd have no insurance, health benefits, etc. That's risky, given the fact that I could become pregnant if I'm sleeping with him all the time. Plus we're not married so I wouldn't be under his health insurance that I just learned he doesn't have unless he's on a union contract.

 

What to do? If you truly love this man I think you are taking the right steps in researching job opportunities and analyzing the logistics of the move. Keep going with that. However if there is a nagging feeling deep down that you are settling and may grow to resent him down the road then why not open yourself up to dating in your own city? Step up your efforts to meet someone else. There are websites designed for successful people.

 

I do love him but your comment has really resonated with me. I think you pinned it down, I have a nagging feeling that I COULD grow to resent him down the road, although I am not SURE that would happen, of course. How could I possibly predict that??

I grew to resent my ex 'down the road', after 4 years of dating. I didn't resent him until he showed his true colors and became a deadbeat entitled drunk loser who started asking me to borrow money. I have such strong feelings about that situation, it is hard NOT to project that onto my current bf.... how can I know if in the future I 'might' resent him?

My concerns are that he doesn't 'appear' to plan ahead for long term goals, spends money frivolously but seems to get by fine and supports himself and pays for many of his kids' expenses, etc. My biggest worry is that 'down the road' I will be carrying the financial burden and responsibilities of a daily life and having a child. I think you are right about my nagging doubt that I may grow to resent him, but is it just a doubt, or something that I'm speculating?

I'm not sure if I can possibly predict any of that. Can I?

[No_Go]

Venus - it is striking that you're talking about 'becoming pregnant' if you go there - you are 30smething, you must know how to protect yourself! If you don't use birth control - you can get pregnant even in your sporadic visits which is the last thing that you want from all you wrote...

 

Assuming this is a no-issue - you can self insure while haven't your intermediate job. Your BF can do it as well for himself, and when you get your permanent job there - you can just cover him as well on your insurance (after you marry him).

 

I still do think this relationship can be worth pursuing but with the condition that you take actions closing the distance (whenever ready) and come to terms that you may need to be the primary bread winner in your family (which is ok, again personal example: 3 of my friends let their husbands be SAHDs and they did splendidly).

[venusishername]

It honestly seems like you are trying to convince yourself to do this because you are worried it's your "last chance" (so to speak). But on some level, you know there are issues looming and likely won't work out; hence, your hesitation.

 

Clia, maybe so. I do love him, there is no doubt. But I wonder what issues there are looming that would make me hesitate. I wonder if I'm only speculating and fearful, taking baggage and hurt from my last relationship, or I am already foreseeing incompatibilities as far as lifestyle, habits, etc.

I thought that habits and lifestyle/goals could be tackled and improved upon as a couple, for example the money budgeting and planning, etc.

 

I see where you may have a point, (I don't consider this my 'last chance' but I realize I can't have a laundry list of requirements for a man anymore. He has so many qualities that I AM looking for. He's not perfect, but I'm not sure the 'issues' are things that can't be overcome.

What do you think are the issues that I "you know there are issues looming and likely won't work out; hence, your hesitation"? Can you explain?

[venusishername]

Venus - it is striking that you're talking about 'becoming pregnant' if you go there - you are 30smething, you must know how to protect yourself! If you don't use birth control - you can get pregnant even in your sporadic visits which is the last thing that you want from all you wrote...

 

Assuming this is a no-issue - you can self insure while haven't your intermediate job. Your BF can do it as well for himself, and when you get your permanent job there - you can just cover him as well on your insurance (after you marry him).

 

I still do think this relationship can be worth pursuing but with the condition that you take actions closing the distance (whenever ready) and come to terms that you may need to be the primary bread winner in your family (which is ok, again personal example: 3 of my friends let their husbands be SAHDs and they did splendidly).

 

I'm not ok with being the primary breadwinner, and I am not ok with my man being a stay at home dad. That is not what I want for my life. I am ok with working at least part time, if not full time, if I have a child. There is no way in hell that the man I am with is not going to work and pull his weight. That is not what I want at all, quite the opposite. I don't see how choosing to pursue this relationship would mean I am "coming to terms with being the primary breadwinner". I actually had that discussion with him the other day and he is well aware my views on that.

We did also discuss insurance and though I would not be covered on his unless we marry, if I do work full time I may get better insurance. You're right about self-insuring, good point. Just kind of a scary thought to think of giving up my health benefits at my job.

 

As far as preventing pregnancy, we are doing a 'natural' birth control, and to be honest, I would be ok with having a child at this point if it happened. I'm not doing anything to protect against it as far as hormonal birth control because we are only together for a short time and infrequently. I know it only takes once, of course. I guess I've been preventing pregnancy for so long and have been pregnant before and choose to terminate it, that if it happens naturally, I would be ready to deal with the consequences of that. If we lived in the same city and were sleeping together all the time I would consider a non-hormonal birth control.

Edited September 15, 2016 by venusishername

[Sometymeswhy]

That nagging feeling is discomfort that comes when your habits and nature clashes with his. Do you love him enough right now to overlook this? Please don't expect him to change. He won't. You are a planner, he lives on the edge. Now if you were head over your heels in love you may be willing to overlook this and make changes yourself...at best come to the middle.

 

In the meantime, a short term lease will give you time and flexibility.

 

Incidentally, would your employer cover cost of law school? Or your new employer if you move. Something to consider. Companies used to do this back when I was in the corporate world. I'd like to see you focus on a new goal while bettering yourself and not giving so much headspace to this marriage/children conundrum. Sometimes the answers reveal themselves when we are focused on other things.

[anna121]

Long-time lurker on your thread.

 

I recommend you be much more proactive about birth control. I don't mean to be harsh, but it's a little breath-taking that you would be so nonchalant about getting pregnant with a guy about whom you go round and round the mulberry bush (in your head) re: whether he is dependable and fiscally responsible. Especially since you are not interested in being a single mom.

[No_Go]

You say you're ok with having a child if it happens but in the same time - you're not ok with being a single mom. Does this mean you're convinced he'll take responsibility and marry you if it happens? If not - step up birth control (30s come with hormonal changes so natural planning is not great, copperT though - no hormones & super high protection;))

 

Considering your educational degrees, I think you'd out-earn your guy any time, and he also has a lot of extra expenses with his kids and property. That's why I said you will likely be the primary bread winner if you marry him (i.e. you'd gain more disposable income)...

If you're not ok with it as you said, what options do you see if you are to stay together? I guess him getting a specialization/degree that will help him earn more, but is he open to that? I get the feeling that is no because he's happy and context with his lifestyle. Or maybe renting out part of his property (you said you don't want subletters / AirBnB guests though). Am I missing something?

 

 

I'm not ok with being the primary breadwinner, and I am not ok with my man being a stay at home dad. That is not what I want for my life. I am ok with working at least part time, if not full time, if I have a child. There is no way in hell that the man I am with is not going to work and pull his weight. That is not what I want at all, quite the opposite. I don't see how choosing to pursue this relationship would mean I am "coming to terms with being the primary breadwinner". I actually had that discussion with him the other day and he is well aware my views on that.

We did also discuss insurance and though I would not be covered on his unless we marry, if I do work full time I may get better insurance. You're right about self-insuring, good point. Just kind of a scary thought to think of giving up my health benefits at my job.

 

As far as preventing pregnancy, we are doing a 'natural' birth control, and to be honest, I would be ok with having a child at this point if it happened. I'm not doing anything to protect against it as far as hormonal birth control because we are only together for a short time and infrequently. I know it only takes once, of course. I guess I've been preventing pregnancy for so long and have been pregnant before and choose to terminate it, that if it happens naturally, I would be ready to deal with the consequences of that. If we lived in the same city and were sleeping together all the time I would consider a non-hormonal birth control.

Edited September 15, 2016 by No_Go

[venusishername]

You say you're ok with having a child if it happens but in the same time - you're not ok with being a single mom. Does this mean you're convinced he'll take responsibility and marry you if it happens? If not - step up birth control (30s come with hormonal changes so natural planning is not great, copperT though - no hormones & super high protection;))

 

Considering your educational degrees, I think you'd out-earn your guy any time, and he also has a lot of extra expenses with his kids and property. That's why I said you will likely be the primary bread winner if you marry him (i.e. you'd gain more disposable income)...

If you're not ok with it as you said, what options do you see if you are to stay together? I guess him getting a specialization/degree that will help him earn more, but is he open to that? I get the feeling that is no because he's happy and context with his lifestyle. Or maybe renting out part of his property (you said you don't want subletters / AirBnB guests though). Am I missing something?

 

I'm not convinced with all my heart and soul that he would step up because he didn't do this with two kids before, albeit 21+ years ago and he wasn't in love with the woman like he is me. However, I am pretty sure that he would do his very best to make it work and support me, if that happened before we were married. I'm firmly against IUDs if that is what a Copper T is. I really don't want to talk about birth control again, it has been re-hashed here a lot. I don't want to be a single mom but at the rate things are going I know he loves me a lot and would want to have a 'family' together, considering that we get along and want to make this work, which I think we do.

 

Also just to clarify, I don't have more than a Bachelor's Degree. If I did go to law school that would be my graduate degree.

No, I don't think he would go back and get any advanced training, he seems perfectly content with his life, career choice, and lifestyle choices. I realize that I can't change that. He's not like me in many ways, and I may never find someone who is compatible with me in every way, a mirror image, it just won't happen. Maybe a little difference is a good thing. He teaches me to not take life so seriously.

I'm against the Airbnb for privacy reasons mainly, but if the push came to shove and in worst case scenario I guess I would be flexible, but I would strongly prefer that his own income cover those expenses.

[venusishername]

That nagging feeling is discomfort that comes when your habits and nature clashes with his. Do you love him enough right now to overlook this? Please don't expect him to change. He won't. You are a planner, he lives on the edge. Now if you were head over your heels in love you may be willing to overlook this and make changes yourself...at best come to the middle.

 

In the meantime, a short term lease will give you time and flexibility.

 

Incidentally, would your employer cover cost of law school? Or your new employer if you move. Something to consider. Companies used to do this back when I was in the corporate world. I'd like to see you focus on a new goal while bettering yourself and not giving so much headspace to this marriage/children conundrum. Sometimes the answers reveal themselves when we are focused on other things.

THANK YOU. Your posts are really helping me see things objectively and reasonably, without any emotional charge. I really appreciate the way you are able to say things in a way that I can understand and can make sense. For some reason many other posts here keep me spinning, but yours seem to help ground and focus me.

 

You are right- that nagging feeling is JUST THAT.. my discomfort about our difference in many lifestyle habits and nature. That's what it is, you nailed it, thank you. I don't expect or would want my man to be a mirror image of me, but I guess I'm confronted if whether our differences in habits and nature CAN be compatible, that is exactly why I hesitate. It seems impossible to predict whether you will be compatible for life, my take is if you accept each others' differences, and if the differences aren't bringing the other person down (in the extreme example of just ending up with a person that is downright not good for you, or hindering your happiness and progress, abusive, lazy, irresponsible, etc.).

 

Short term lease in Louisiana is totally feasible, is that what you mean?. I looked into it last night and found some good options.

 

No, my employer would not help with cost of law school. I have never heard of a company in this age (at least in my area) that does this. I wonder if this may be a thing of the past?

 

I really like your idea of focusing on what is best for my future, rather than putting so much pressure on the relationship. I still want to be closer to him and I'm fed up with the long distance, and don't want him to give up on me because I'm not making any action to come there when he's offering a place to live. I still think he needs to put more stock (money, time, effort) into my relocation if I were to leave CA. He is offering again and again his place to live, which is a nice offer, but I don't want to play house. This time period after spending time together is always difficult. I am feeling the separation and want to be more connected to him, not knowing yet how long it will be until our next visit, and what will have changed by then.

[No_Go]

Ah sorry I got confused - when you mentioned going back to school after breaking up with your ex, I though you meant graduate degree. And copperT is an IUD indeed, I start following the thread late so I wasn't aware this was discussed.

 

Btw regarding law school - in this day and age companies still do cover law school of employees. E.g. that's a practice for most law firms dealing with patent law: they hire a person with a science/tech/medical degree, and after an year - send them to law school on the expense of the company. Check it up if interested.

 

Look forward to reading for developments with applications & rental searches - I think that's a smart first step.

[Sometymeswhy]

THANK YOU. Your posts are really helping me see things objectively and reasonably, without any emotional charge. I really appreciate the way you are able to say things in a way that I can understand and can make sense. For some reason many other posts here keep me spinning, but yours seem to help ground and focus me.

 

You are right- that nagging feeling is JUST THAT.. my discomfort about our difference in many lifestyle habits and nature. That's what it is, you nailed it, thank you. I don't expect or would want my man to be a mirror image of me, but I guess I'm confronted if whether our differences in habits and nature CAN be compatible, that is exactly why I hesitate. It seems impossible to predict whether you will be compatible for life, my take is if you accept each others' differences, and if the differences aren't bringing the other person down (in the extreme example of just ending up with a person that is downright not good for you, or hindering your happiness and progress, abusive, lazy, irresponsible, etc.).

 

Short term lease in Louisiana is totally feasible, is that what you mean?. I looked into it last night and found some good options.

 

No, my employer would not help with cost of law school. I have never heard of a company in this age (at least in my area) that does this. I wonder if this may be a thing of the past?

 

I really like your idea of focusing on what is best for my future, rather than putting so much pressure on the relationship. I still want to be closer to him and I'm fed up with the long distance, and don't want him to give up on me because I'm not making any action to come there when he's offering a place to live. I still think he needs to put more stock (money, time, effort) into my relocation if I were to leave CA. He is offering again and again his place to live, which is a nice offer, but I don't want to play house. This time period after spending time together is always difficult. I am feeling the separation and want to be more connected to him, not knowing yet how long it will be until our next visit, and what will have changed by then.

 

Venus, I was thinking short term lease in California, but yes if you move to NO find a furnished short term rental. Perhaps during your two week leave of absence. This is if you decide to give it a go. Beforehand communicate to him how you expect him to help so you don't feel it's all on you.

 

Have you determined whether you are happier with him in your life than without?

 

Also your dilemma is helpful to us readers too. For example I always tell my daughter who lives in NYC that she needs to find a rich guy to live the kind of lifestyle she wants there. She eye rolls those comments. But when I read that your parents told you to marry a doctor I see how that comes off. One needs to be self reliant above all. My advancing years and experience taught me to seek out my own happiness as others cannot provide it long term.

 

When your friends kids are older those stay at home moms will be bored and itching to renter the job market and reclaim control over their lives. Don't assume they are happier because their husband provide everything.

[venusishername]

Venus, I was thinking short term lease in California, but yes if you move to NO find a furnished short term rental. Perhaps during your two week leave of absence. This is if you decide to give it a go. Beforehand communicate to him how you expect him to help so you don't feel it's all on you.

 

Have you determined whether you are happier with him in your life than without?

 

Also your dilemma is helpful to us readers too. For example I always tell my daughter who lives in NYC that she needs to find a rich guy to live the kind of lifestyle she wants there. She eye rolls those comments. But when I read that your parents told you to marry a doctor I see how that comes off. One needs to be self reliant above all. My advancing years and experience taught me to seek out my own happiness as others cannot provide it long term.

 

When your friends kids are older those stay at home moms will be bored and itching to renter the job market and reclaim control over their lives. Don't assume they are happier because their husband provide everything.

I don't want to leave my current place in CA for a short term rental because the prices are soaring right now. I need to stay put, unless I am permanently relocating.

 

I like what you said about the stay at home moms being bored, etc. I know a woman who was a pampered housewife and now divorced, 50+ and back in the work place. It seems a struggle for her. I'm pretty independent, more so than many of the women I know, so I think it's easier for me to handle myself rather than rely on anyone else. More on that later.

 

Ironically, yesterday my bf mentioned that he would be willing to help me with the cost of moving out there, like paying for the UHaul. I think he can read me too well sometimes. I told him I've been considering looking at short term rentals there, furnished places, and I also was thinking about sending some resumes out. He gave me his friend's number who has a brother at a big firm there so I could reach out. He sent me a couple websites of prominent law firms there. He's really serious about getting me out there. He still thinks it's foolish for me to rent my own place, but I keep telling him I don't want to play house, and I don't think we should live together unless we know we want to get married. I told him I appreciate the offer, but I'm not going to change my mind. He keeps trying to seduce me...

 

Maybe he's realizing, and after this last romantic time together, that he needs to take some action to have me close to him. He has been dropping the word 'wife' recently, and last night he sent a text in response to a photo I sent , "you're so beautiful... can't wait to make you my wife". Wow.

He said something similar today. He's thinking about it a lot, I can tell.

 

I kind of have a gut feeling it might happen in the near future. I think this last time we spent together seemed to seal the deal in many ways.

 

As it stands today, I am renewing my lease (can get out if needed), and talking to people in NO and sending out some resumes soon, also browsing Craigslist for some short term furnished apartments there *(very affordable compared to CA!!)

[lana-banana]

I got back this morning and wrote an incredibly long post that I'll put on ice for now. This update doesn't sound good. Doesn't it bother you at all that he keeps using the marriage talk in conjunction with getting you out there? Moreover, how can you be comfortable with a proposal from someone when you still have serious questions about your basic long-term compatibility (not to mention finances)?

[No_Go]

Moreover, how can you be comfortable with a proposal from someone when you still have serious questions about your basic long-term compatibility (not to mention finances)?

 

^ That's the million dollar question - all the described insecurities go to rest when he mentions words like 'wife' or 'ring'. Emphasize on words. If he was a manipulator, he'd grab some ring and make Venus spin around him. That's the scary part.

 

Otherwise it is great that he is making real strides in helping Venus to get there like giving her contacts for jobs and offering to help with the cost of the moving truck. Here is the dichotomy in his behavior: when he's convinced in something (e.g. her moving to LA) - he takes actions. When he's not (e.g he moving to LA, getting married) - he just talks and talks strategically in the points of hesitation. I think just by inspecting his patterns of talk/action it is easy to predict where he stands.

[venusishername]

I got back this morning and wrote an incredibly long post that I'll put on ice for now. This update doesn't sound good. Doesn't it bother you at all that he keeps using the marriage talk in conjunction with getting you out there? Moreover, how can you be comfortable with a proposal from someone when you still have serious questions about your basic long-term compatibility (not to mention finances)?

I was looking forward to reading your long post, welcome back!!

I thought you might mention this again.

Well, I think that he genuinely loves me, and he genuinely wants me to be with him. During our time together it didn't seem that he was insincere about his desires and wanting to plan for the future. I don't see this as a bad thing, I think he realizes that he needs to offer me a real commitment before I move to be with him. I don't see that as 'not good', I see that as he realizes that he needs to offer me more to have me in his life. I don't feel it is manipulative or insincere, I think he is true. Doesn't it follow naturally that if you're in love with someone, the more time you spend together, that you start thinking and talking about the next step? He knows that I'm looking to get married and don't want to waste my time dating someone who doesn't see that in the future. He was talking about this before I told him my thoughts about looking into work there, etc. I don't feel it is in conjunction with moving there, we had discussions like this in every day interactions for a couple months now. I'm trying to understand why you would say this is not good. He realizes he needs to step it up and can't get a free ride by me being his live in girlfriend, let alone move across the country, without offering me more commitment. I'm just not seeing how this is a bad thing. I'm not going anywhere until he takes some action.

 

 

As far as the compatibility- I mean, we've been through pages and pages here about how financial behaviors and budgeting and saving money together can be achieved together as a team. Even differences in personality. Yes, I have some reservations, I'm not discounting that. But from all I've learned and posted, and read here, I can choose to be ok with it and we can try our best to make it work together, or I can choose not to. I can't say for certain that we are going to be totally compatible on every level every way, but I mean, I've kind of come to the realization (with the help of many posters here) that these kind of things can be tackled together, and we could do our very best to make it work. In the event that in the long run we find out we just can't be compatible and it is too taxing, or it makes us unhappy, then I guess you can just allow the chips fall sometimes, if you're willing to take the risk and do the hard work of working together to make it work the best you can. It has been discussed at length here. And I've come to the point now where although I do have unanswered questions, and feel a little unease and uncertainty about whether we could be LONG term compatible, I feel that isn't doing me a whole lot of good anymore. If there is something that I don't like, or would like him to do, and if I expressed if something was important to me, I think he would do his best to make me happy and work together as a couple. I think his core values are in align with mine, although we have differences in personality sometimes and lifestyle, it is clear we have a special connection and we love each other. I'm not sure I could pin it all on uncertainty, I just feel that it is a choice to either do your best to make it work, or not.

^ That's the million dollar question - all the described insecurities go to rest when he mentions words like 'wife' or 'ring'. Emphasize on words. If he was a manipulator, he'd grab some ring and make Venus spin around him. That's the scary part.

 

Otherwise it is great that he is making real strides in helping Venus to get there like giving her contacts for jobs and offering to help with the cost of the moving truck. Here is the dichotomy in his behavior: when he's convinced in something (e.g. her moving to LA) - he takes actions. When he's not (e.g he moving to LA, getting married) - he just talks and talks strategically in the points of hesitation. I think just by inspecting his patterns of talk/action it is easy to predict where he stands.

 

I don't think he is a manipulator. I know that he really loves me. I don't see why wanting to marry me would be a manipulation tactic. Do you think he wants to continue this long distance and string me along? No. I know he doesn't. He's thinking about the future too. We had an amazing time together this last time and I feel he is genuine. I feel all of this is natural.

 

I still have insecurities and unknown answers. But I can let them cripple me and hold me back or I can choose to go all in and we can do our best.

 

I can kinda sorta of see how you would draw the correlation between him taking 'action' when I talk about my thoughts to look into jobs there, etc. But what action is he taking? He's still just talking. He hasn't actually DONE anything yet about that other than send me some information to look into work in LA. Same as talking about getting married. The actions that have been made are his multiple trips here to be with me, take me on vacation, pay for the majority of my trips to see him, introduce me to his friends and family, spend time getting to know mine, spend time every day communicating with me and getting to know me, time, effort, dedication, committing to a monogamous relationship, etc. I mean, that says a lot, I give him a lot of credit so far for the actions he has made.

 

 

I'm trying to understand how what truly feels like a natural progression towards a higher level of commitment could possibly be a bad thing or a stalling tactic, is that what you are implying? It's not being forced. I told him I'd be open to looking for work there, etc and getting my own place, etc. I haven't done anything about it to take real action either. I feel that we are both just TALKING about things, but I feel we are getting closer to taking some real action. I didn't expect any big actions in less than a year.

 

As far as the words 'wife' and 'ring'- he's been letting those things slip for a couple months now, the straightforward 'wife' comment just happened to be yesterday. He even said something to my mom when they met something about a ring. I don't see how thinking seriously about marriage is something to be cynical about. If he proposed I would be happy, nervous, yes, but happy. I wouldn't "spin around a ring". I do love him. I wouldn't be doing this if I didn't.

 

I think what you are trying to say is, correct me if I'm wrong, is that he knows that I'm interested in getting married in the future and he wants to be with me, so he uses that 'bait' as a lure to get me to him. And so when I talk about looking at jobs and thinking about getting my own place there, he springs into trying to help me to get there? When actually making a real commitment (marriage), he hesitates to pull out all the stops. I mean, ok. So he's not ready to make that commitment yet. Is that bad?

With all the insecurities I've had, I have also hesitated to make a commitment like moving there. So aren't we in the same boat? What am I missing here? Is he being manipulative by talking about it? I don't really think so. I think he's genuine. Maybe I'm missing your point?

 

Also- as a final note, I'm not sure why many people don't understand that a real commitment from him is what I really want (and need) to make any life changing moves. I feel that my friends and family are all behind me on that, and very emphatically so. I realize a marriage proposal isn't the key to all happiness and a lifetime of compatibility and bliss. Why is it wrong that I want someone to really step up and take action for me? I've chased men before and given them a 'free pass' so to speak. I don't want to do that again. If he makes a big action like that, it would show where he stood. I know that talking about it amounts to little, but talking about it like this is far more than I've had with previous long term boyfriends. So I give it some weight.

I know that he wants a marriage too and wants to have a partner, just like I do.

Edited September 17, 2016 by venusishername

[No_Go]

First off - I (and I believe the rest of the people) don't imply that wanting to get married is wrong. I'm close to your age and I perfectly see why you want it, heck I want the same for myself. However - you continue saying things like 'I don't want to move to NO just to figure out we're incompatible'. If you really think so - marriage with this man shouldn't be your goal. You should be looking into different people.

 

You say, correct me if I'm wrong, I'm willing to work through our incompatibilities but if and only if he proposes marriage. Why is that? You put an enormous pressure for something that I'd think of more of a validation gesture (I mean if he proposes before you move - he validates your fears and that's about it. You don't even know if it is a good idea to marry each other).

 

Here I don't know how to say it mildly but... Although I'm confident you love each other, you do manipulate each other:

1) you with witholding actions unless he proposes (i.e.forcing him to propose on your timeline).

2) he with luring you with words that you want to hear like 'wife' or 'ring' (I.e. Making sure you move to him on his timeline).

 

If you get these manipulation tactics away, you could have work a plan that fits both. The obvious one is you moving there and setting a timeline by which you expect proposal (realistic one that works for him as well - e.g. 6 months after dating locally). Heck you can even help him with the ring savings and expenses! But so far, you both act immature imho, playing on each other insecurities. Stop that, stop catastrophizing (moving to NO is NOT a life-changing drama, people move all the time), and start planning as a team. Then I'm sure the relationship will move on a next level:)

Edited September 17, 2016 by No_Go

[lana-banana]

I was looking forward to reading your long post, welcome back!!

 

Thank you! I'll table it for now, though, to deal with this latest development. It worries me because I realize you're never actually going to have your own place out there. He's going to propose, or keep dropping the hints about it that placate you, before you've determined whether you guys can function as a normal long-term couple. How is that right? The respectful thing to do would be to let you move out there into your own place, without ever staying with him at all (long-distance apartment shopping isn't fun but is certainly doable), and then propose AFTER you've spent at least six months as a healthy couple in the same city. As it is he's not actually resolving any of your doubts about compatibility and certainty. He's just going to propose so you won't move into your own place. That doesn't seem natural or romantic to me at all.

 

Don't get me wrong, I don't think he's being devious. I am sure he loves you and wants to be with you. That's all well and good. But I do think he is very aware that as soon as he says "marriage" or "wife" you immediately back off.

 

Do you remember all the many, many concerns you expressed over just the last few pages---concerns that magically disappeared as soon as he said "wife"? Let me recap:

 

What if I go to all that trouble...and my boyfriend and I aren't compatible, I realize he's not the guy for me

My bf and I are really getting to know each other

it is a HUGE decision for me, and I have some hesitations

I have a nagging feeling that I COULD grow to resent him down the road

My concerns are that he doesn't 'appear' to plan ahead for long term goals, spends money frivolously but seems to get by fine

I'm not convinced with all my heart and soul that he would step up because he didn't do this with two kids before

Sure, I would love to have met someone I connected with and fell in love with here in my own city. Yes, I would have loved to find a rich lawyer in my building and never have to worry about money or financial security.

Take it from a newly engaged person: that is not how you should be talking about your life partner! There's nothing wrong with having doubts about your relationship, but if you're going to have doubts then you shouldn't be talking about proposing! And it's terrible to pretend all of those doubts have gone away just because he started hinting at a greater commitment. Venus, I want nothing more to be blissfully happy for you in every way. You deserve it, so much more than just about anyone I know. But it is really hard to be encouraged by everything that's happening when you keep swinging back and forth so rapidly. Edited September 18, 2016 by lana-banana

[venusishername]

I just spent half an hour quoting and responding to your posts and my stupid computer shut down. I guess another thing I need to add to my list of things to save for is a new laptop. #$#^&!!

 

 

I am not saying that I don't want to move there "just to find out we are incompatible". I am saying that (call it needing an act of validation if you must), but I need action on his part (not words) to show me that he is seriously committed to making a real effort to doing this, if I am to take a big leap (and yes, it is a big move for me).. I need him to meet me halfway by also taking some actions himself.

 

I'm once bitten, twice shy. I left CA for someone who more or less told me that he wanted me to be with him, after dating one year, and we were in the same city seeing each other most days and nights during that time. He kept asking me to move in with him and I said no. After a year of dating, he left CA, he offered nothing, no real commitment, he just went along with his own plans and life, with or without me, said I could come if I want, but he was going anyway. I left my job and place in CA and packed it all up to live with him. I grew to resent him because I sacrificed a lot, when he did very little. I basically followed him. I changed my life to be with him, to follow him. He didn't do anything but do what he was already going to do. For that, I believe he took me for granted, didn't feel he had to do much to keep me around, and our relationship failed ultimately, we never married, he never wanted to marry me, he just kept stringing me along, manipulating and never trying hard unless he thought he could lose me. I have a really bad taste in my mouth from that, you guys. I can see objectively from your point of view, that it just makes perfect sense to just go there, get my own place, date each other, give it 6 months or so time to be sure, etc... but I mean, I can't help but feel very cautious. I am guarded. I know that is because I had to learn the hard way. I survived, but it took a lot out of me, and I'm not willing to move out of CA again (from a place I love, at that), for a guy who doesn't have to make any actions but to sit pretty and go along with his life as he's doing. Hell, even he has admitted that. He told me he realizes I'd be sacrificing a lot, and he realizes that it is a big deal and he wants me to feel comfortable and that he is also willing to take some action too. Someone told me if I moved there, with no commitment, that it would be like he was getting "a free ride". I know that's kinda cynical, but after my last bad experience, I really can't help but agree. To repeat what you did before expecting a different result is not very smart. I realize this is a different man, one I hope is a better one than the last. But in order for me to feel more comfortable with a move like that, I need some action on his part, not just talk. Call it an act of validation, but I guess I do need some reassurance and something more than 'a trial' or what have you.

By the way, I'm not saying that I don't want to move there just to find out we are incompatible. I'm saying I don't feel comfortable moving there and uprooting my life for a guy who isn't willing to make some real efforts himself.

I agree that is doable to move there, get my own place, date each other, interact and evaluate in a sensible time frame like within the next several months to be as sure as we're going to be that we want to really go all in on this. That's fine. That's totally reasonable. I could do that. I guess as an outsider that seems very easy. But fear gets in the way. He has fears too.

 

 

No Go, I see what you mean about manipulating the insecurities. I knew that going into a new relationship (after 4 years of being single) that I needed a really patient man who would take the time and help me get through my fears and cautiousness that I was bringing from my past.

 

My heart of hearts is telling me that I should hold tight for now and allow some more time to pass to be more comfortable to make any life changes. I don't see anything wrong with looking into jobs there, or researching cost of a short term rental. It doesn't hurt. But I just can't help the way I feel. Once you've made a mistake before, you really hesitate to repeat similar behavior again, expecting a different result.

I don't think that wanting action from someone in a relationship to meet you in the middle is wrong. There can't be one person in a relationship doing all the heavy lifting. That's what happened to me before, and it seems very foolish for me to do it again. So I stay put. I talk about it, I'm open to it, we like to talk about the future lately... he wants me to be with him and I want to be with him too. Maybe we're both operating out of some insecurities, I can see that....

 

Lana, yes, you have pointed out that throughout the course of this thread that I have some uncertainties, etc. Those have not gone away, however I've kind of come to see that maybe I have dramatized and gone around the drain round and round over and over because I just overanalyze everything. I think I've made some things a bigger deal than they need to be. I do that. I also get caught in the 'drain' in my spinning thoughts, I do that a lot. Those things aren't gone. But they are mostly getting in my way at this point. I can choose to go forward and do this and figure things out or just keep circling. I mean, even some aspects of his personality cause me to question whether I could have the patience to live with him every day. But then he makes me laugh, he's loving and attentive and adoring, and the quirks just kind of don't seem to bother me as much. For example, occasionally he gets very energetic and likes to grab attention, and show off. It gets on my nerves sometimes. Sometimes he thinks he needs to entertain people and put on some kind of front. I know attention grabbers in my life and it's kind of annoying. But then you let them be, and appreciate them for their good qualities. And he has many. Just stuff like that. I question whether we could be compatible for things like that, because although I'm a social person, I don't like to draw attention to myself or put on a show. He used to be into acting, and he married an actress and comedian. So you get the idea. He likes to entertain people, not all the time, but a lot of time. It's a front, it's not him at the core, but it's a part of his personality in public. That's not me. I don't like to be in the spotlight. I'm reserved. Often I have to tell him when we're together that he doesn't need to worry about entertaining me or anyone else. Sometimes he thinks he needs to. And I'll tell you, it does get on my nerves. But it's not a bad personality trait, it's just who he is. I was just thinking about that tonight. Even his daughter mentioned that to me, how he likes to grab attention and she finds it annoying sometimes, and I said something like, "I know, I just let him be". It's like when he gets that way I just have to kind of laugh it off and let him be that way. He's not going to change. It's what makes him who he is. He likes to spend money on things I'd never spend my money on, or things I think are silly. But then again we all spend money on things the rest of us would find silly and frivolous. I have spent a lot of money on expensive perfumes and a gold watch, expensive sunglasses and purses, etc. Things that break and don't last. He spends like a bachelor because he is one and has been single for a long time. I'm kind of the same, just younger. I spend my money how I like, for me, to go out, to be social, etc. I don't have a husband and family to spend my time and money for. It's all me. I realize that he's kind of been the same, as a single guy. He goes out to eat all the time because he can't cook to save his life, and you can't survive on avocados, bananas and toast. So he spends a lot of money eating out. I mean, it's kind of stuff like that makes me question the spending habits. He's just living for himself. His kids are grown but I see he spends quite a bit on them too. But I mean, he makes it work. He works hard from what I see and he's doing well lately with a lot of new contracts so he's in a good spot. I can't judge him too harshly and I think I have. I take a look at my financial situation and I'm not doing so hot compared to some of my peers or people in my field. So who the hell am I to judge? I think if we put our heads together and worked together as a team, we could make it work.

 

I talked to a very close friend of mine today, I haven't seen her in awhile. She really helped me in a hard time of my life because she was very strong and had great boundaries and she helped me to be more like that.

I look up to her because she doesn't take any bull**** and she knows what she wants, and she has a lot of people's respect. I would like to think I could be more like her in many ways, and I think I've changed a lot for the better from the girl I used to be, partly because she was in my life.

I told her about my hesitations, and she said that you never really know for 100% sure, she also had her doubts and insecurities going into her marriage, but you just choose to go all in or not, you make it work, there are no guarantees, but you just have to take a leap and go for it sometimes if you feel there is a good chance. She is married for a couple years. Happily, I'm not sure anymore, but she admitted her doubts to me for the first time. They seemed perfect on the outside, but they aren't. She has also had her doubts.

 

She told me that when her husband (boyfriend at the time) asked her to move in with him, she told him that she needed a real commitment from him before she did that. I didn't know she did that, but she did. I told her I was in the same boat now, and she said I was right and to be very clear and hold firm to what I want. I can give a little, of course, but only if he's meeting me halfway. It wouldn't be right any other way.

 

I have looked up to her because I think she's a really strong woman with boundaries and she usually always gets what she wants in life. She didn't get that way by giving in to other people or getting manipulated or convinced into things. She's always held her own and I admire her for that. So I'd like to think I can be that kind of woman too. And I think I am. She helped me get away from my last bad relationship. She kept pushing me to be strong and made me really feel comfortable holding my own boundaries. So I respect her a lot, and trust her opinion.

 

I turned my phone off tonight because my bf is at a bachelor party and I wanted to tune out. He texted me throughout the early afternoon but I'm sure he's doing guy stuff now, whatever it is guys do. I know a lot of guys' friends like to take them to strip clubs for bachelor parties, that may happen tonight. Meh. He sent me a picture of them eating pizza. I wasn't going to bother him tonight. So I thought I'd write here.

I was glad to see my friend today.