When it rains it pours

[trolloperative]

My posts of very good advice went poof so this will be my last on this thread just to answer your question.

 

Your previous, local relationships didn't work out because you jumped in the sack too early, consistent first night-ers / sending the wrong message, remember? Then you gave up on online dating so weren't meeting anyone. Essentially you gave up.

 

Perhaps keep getting to know this guy while dating others locally? If he can't move to you (finance, kids) and it's certainly too early for you to move there the relationship can't move forward.

 

Good luck.

[venusishername]

I would usually agree, except this guy has proven himself to be severely irresponsible, and Venus wouldn't be "providing for herself"; she's potentially going to be living with him, in his house, and relying on him financially at least a little while she finds a new job, and they do apparently have plans for children in the future.

 

Of course love, respect and commitment are most important. Those are fundamental. This guy has demonstrated those values, which is why I don't question them at all. But responsibility and stability matter too, and when someone maxes out their credit cards and gets their car booted repeatedly, it raises doubts about their ability to provide. The only reason we keep talking about his finances is because they are consistently a problem.

I totally agree with everything you are saying. So what do I do now?

He's a good man, and he's proven to fulfill many fundamental requirements that I am looking for as far as values and character. That is so damn hard to find. I saw he posted a picture on Facebook tonight that he took his son out for dinner and a movie. He always says how proud he is of his son. It's really endearing to see that. He's a good father, and just a good person. I've dated so many guys who have it all on paper but are arrogant and shallow. He would never be that way.

 

So where do I go from here, with this information...? Lana, you're right, the main reason why we keep talking about finances is because he seems to have some major issues with finances. I don't know the extent of it either. So what do I do? Continue or reconsider continuing?

He may not always be by the books responsible and financially unstable, maybe there are just times that this is the case. Maybe since he's been a bachelor for most of his adult life and his ex wife sounds like she was also similar, maybe he just needs some guidance or a good example in that respect. Maybe he never really had that as an adult.

I don't doubt he will be hard working and do his best. He can make decent money, it's not about the amount he makes, I realize that.

 

I'm not going to date others locally. There's no way in hell I would want him to date others locally. If either one of us wanted to date other people, I wouldn't be in this relationship, and neither would he. I don't do that. So it's not an option. Plus, I can't be sleeping with him and talking about the future if I'm going out with other guys. It's called morals.

Again, nothing upsets me more than when people tell me to just date in my own city. As if that's somehow a certainty. I rarely get approached as it is, if I do, they don't make a move, or I'm not interested, or they're not interested, most often the men I have met don't pursue anything or have any balls. If they do ask me out it doesn't last past one date, or in the past I have slept with men early because I wasn't looking or ready for anything serious. So it ended there. So, to say that I have all these opportunities that I could be taking here is bull****.

I don't believe in online dating. I hated it and I never want to do it again. I hated dating. I don't even put myself in situations anymore where I could meet men, except for my yoga studio, or if I go out to dinner with a girlfriend. I don't go out bar hopping anymore, I don't go to clubs, my friends are all married with one or two kids. My life now isn't really conducive to meeting men. So to date in my own city seemed pointless.

I went to New Orleans and my boyfriend approached me, asked me to dance, never let me out of his sight, called me on the phone, picked me up to take me on a day date, and never stopped contacting me every single day since then, over 6 months ago. In my mind, he surpasses every other man I've ever dated because of his actions and consistency. It makes me not want to look anymore. Because no one I have ever met in my own city, has ever pursued me the way he has. Why waste my time on anyone else?

 

Anyway, I just wonder whether I can sacrifice or work with these things about him. I

I don't know. Is it something I have to weigh against everything else.

 

I realize that the relationship can't progress if eventually we don't come together in the same city. It's at a standstill right now because I'm in a lease until October anyway, he's got to have a better financial footing to come here, which he is working on (but I don't think he really wants to move to CA anyway for various reasons including his kids), so he can't just pick up and move here now, I refuse to move in with him unless we're engaged, I don't feel comfortable moving there and getting my own place yet, which I can't do until October anyway... so as it stands, we have to be long distance now, and all we can do or focus on is the next time we can be together, which he is planning. It's like that's the best we can do right now, so that's what we're doing.

 

I have learned that it's really difficult to get to know someone and actually be INVOLVED on a day to day basis when you're across the country. I can see why LDRs don't typically work out. I am very surprised our relationship has lasted this long. But we have believed so far that it is worth it, and we continue to put in the effort and nurture it. We've even hit some tough spots lately and had to rely only on communication to get through those tough spots. I feel as if our relationship has stalled because I would like it to be more in depth, but it can't be because of the distance. I've explained this in detail, here and to him.

 

So, what do I do. That is a question and a rhetorical question. With the information I have, the long distance, the long waiting, the not having a concrete date when we will see each other again just yet (although I know he will make one soon because he has before a couple times now), it might be a month from now, or more, I hope not. But then again, what can I do?

 

Do I give this a chance and embrace the opportunity, or do I give up because of the things about him I've learned and the difficulty and loneliness?

There's no one else I'm interested in, in fact, I don't WANT to be out there again. It seems so silly to me to walk away from someone who is offering his love to me, and making so much effort, and is such a good man, and who cherishes me.

Sometimes it feels so hard. I wonder what it would be like if we were day to day, non-long distance... I just don't know, and I won't know anytime soon.

Edited May 8, 2016 by venusishername

[lana-banana]

If you aren't going to move down there you are out of options. While your moving there would be a major hassle, his moving to you is a flat-out impossibility (his daughter still lives with him, he doesn't have the resources or job to support a move). I think if you believe he might be the one, and it sounds like you do, then he's worth the risk. But you've decided you don't want to move now, so you must spend six more months in limbo before you can even determine if you can make it in the long term.

 

An extra six months isn't much in the course of a relationship, but it's a pretty long while to spend sitting around when you still have major questions about your future, and you are the one who keeps saying you don't have time to waste. I don't know what else to tell you.

[idoltree]

Hi Venus,

 

Just checking in on 'ya. It seems you're doing okay. I see you're getting called out on saying one thing, then denying you said that thing in the next breath. It's like you let your emotions control you, rather than the other way around. Huh.

 

I'm seeing some tremendous maturity growth in you. I am concerned at how insecure you seem to be in your own decisions.

 

A few things that I want to comment on:

 

You are a commitmentphobe, like it or not. It doesn't have to look like the version of a swinging bachelor seeking out one night stands but not relationships. You can be one and still long for a relationship. It's just that you sabotage anything that might have staying power, because you're scared of being tied down.

 

I believe your fear of commitment is a major reason you're so back and forth with your stance on this relationship. One day, you're so in love and if you accidentally get pregnant then it's "meant to be". The next, you're looking for his flaws and focused on them and wondering if that means it's not "meant to be". .. What?

 

Finances. I feel like if you're having sex without birth control, then you're at a place in your relationship where you can have a frank discussion about them. You seem really afraid of this topic, yet also stuck on it.

 

To give you some perspective, my BF has a lot of savings. He owns our home. Late in life, he left corporate-world to seek out something that he actually liked doing. Now he's in the trades, like your guy, and he's happy. Work is intermittent. Pay even more so. He pays bills using an overdraft line of credit, which he then replenishes when he gets paid. He doesn't like to dip into his savings to pay bills. All of this while he's got retirement all set, doesn't have a mortgage, and pays off his credit card every month. The man is on Medicaid for his health insurance, for pete's sake.

 

Me, I'd been single for a few years before I met him. We live somewhere with a high cost of living. I was in my 30s and didn't want to have to have roommates, so I was living paycheck to paycheck. A few unforeseen circumstances have meant that I've got some credit card debt that I am still trying to pay off. I'm living paycheck to paycheck, but I bring home significantly more than my BF does.

 

He's financially secure. I'm not. To outsiders, it looks like the opposite. You'd never know the truth unless you spoke to us!

 

Until you talk to your guy, you are just making assumptions about what his situation is. Plus, his situation is not fixed. If you make it clear that finances are important to you, perhaps you could work something out where you manage them and that both of you speak and agree before either of you makes a purchase over $____.

 

You look to the men you date to save you. You think that a relationship should be this all-encompassing thing that wraps you up and keeps you safe. In some ways, you want your lover to also be a father to you.

 

Good relationships are not like that, Venus. The real lasting relationships have moments of joy, and an safe undercurrent of mutual love and affection, but they challenge you. They make you face your fears and grow as a person. None of them are perfect and without challenge, because they are all comprised of human beings, with flaws. Sometimes he's going to secretly think you look awful. Sometimes he's going to say something thoughtless that hurts your feelings. Sometimes he's going to get on your nerves and you will wish you had alone time. Sometimes you're going to kick him really hard when you're half-asleep at 2:49am because he's doing that thing where he scratches you with his toenails in that way that he thinks is super funny and that you hate more than anything. (That last one is from experience. Ahem.)

 

And you're going to work through it and come out on the other side as big fans of one another. This is what a relationship looks like, warts and all. There are no fairy tales. There is warmth, comfort, hot sex, and affection. And there are two human beings who are not perfect.

 

Stop looking to him to save you. He can't. No one can. You're stuck with you, so you better start believing in yourself and working to let go of your tendencies that don't help you (Hint: anxiety, self-doubt, catastrophic thinking, etc.) There are no shortcuts to being at peace with yourself; you tend to look to men to do it for you.

 

I think that you are on to something when you realized that you are letting disappointments from your past control how you act in the present day. It's not fair to hold this man responsible for things he didn't do. Yes, those guys in the past lived with you but didn't want to marry you. The problem wasn't living with these men, it was the men themselves. They weren't right for you, but you were too young to have that perspective.

 

How would you feel if your current guy had a history of being cheated on, so he was paranoid and needed to know every step of your day? You'd feel unfairly targeted by standards that don't fit who you are. Aren't you doing the same to him with regard to living together? It's fine to have a boundary like "I need to be engaged to live together" as long as it's coming from a place of confidence. Yours is coming from a place of anxiety, fear, and reactivity. So, with that perspective, does your rule keep you safe or does it hurt you?

 

You know, many many pages back you admitted that you likely have issues regarding feeling abandoned by your father. I feel rather disheartened that you turn to him for advice and take it so seriously. You likely do not have an emotionally healthy relationship with your dad. You're 32 and looking to him for approval of your choices. Do you not think that's a little strange? I don't think your dad is a trusted resource, not because there's anything wrong with him, but because you are still acting submissive to him out of your abandonment fears.

 

Speaking of abandonment fears, you also view your relationship through them. You know what, Venus? Even if this guy cheated on you and left you, you'd be okay. You'd love again. You'd laugh again. You'd go on to have a great life. Everything about him has shown that he cares for you and thinks you're special. If he's dumb enough to mess that up, then he's not worth your time. Have some confidence in yourself and your worth... but don't go overboard and become entitled.

 

No one can tell you what to do. You're getting advice coming from different places, likely because people are all different and have different values. Do what is right for you. If you are making decisions from a place of confidence and stretching a little past your comfort zone, then they are the right ones.

 

I've said it before, and I'll say it again. Both of you tend to idealize one another and look to the Honeymoon Period as if it were real. I see that you're coming out of it, and having to deal with real life problems. You, in particular, are using it as a reason to think that you should walk away, because your expectations are entirely out of whack (a.k.a. sabotaging commitmentphobe). The problems you're experiencing now are not out of the realm of something that can be solved together. Maybe you need to be a little more trusting, a little more patient, and a little more willing to let go of your "rules."

 

If it were up to me, I'd do one of two things:

 

• Stay as you are, but stop torturing yourself with the back and forths. Give yourself permission to see where this goes and don't feel like you have to know right now. You don't. If you spend a ton of time in this relationship and you still don't know, then you'll have a decision to make. That's all. There is no need to panic. See how things are in 6 months, and enjoy those 6 months.
  

 

• Move to NOLA and get your own place so you can have a non-LDR where you're getting to know one another, warts and all. Say that you're going on an adventure for 6 months and see what happens. Maybe you'll love it. Maybe you'll hate it. It could be either. But you'll grow as a person because you'll be taking a risk. Maybe this guy is your guy. If he's not, maybe your real guy is in NOLA. Life can be funny sometimes. Take a risk and go figure it out.
  

[venusishername]

I haven't written for a bit because I've been sitting on my thoughts since my last emotional incident a week or so ago. I stopped thinking about the moving in, moving there, all these things in the future, six months from now, etc. I decided to just stay put, slow down, and focus on our next visit. Being that we are long distance, that's pretty important. And on that note, now the time is planned, the vacation time approved, the plane tickets being discussed, the RSVP to the wedding as his date has been made. He's coming here first to get me and spend a few days here, then we are off deep into romantic Mexico for his family member's wedding.

I'm so excited. It's our first real vacation together (outside of each others' cities)! It's the last week of June, through the 4th of July holiday.

Seems a long time from now, but now we can start counting down the days. That always helps for me.

 

 

So, I decided to chill the **** out and slow down. I don't need to worry about moving right now. I actually decided that I don't feel comfortable with the idea, and I'm just going to stay put here and let some more time pass. I'm actually pretty firm in that I don't want to be the one to take this huge risk by moving there and getting my own place. I was talking to a close girlfriend about it, who is married. She and I have similar values about marriage. She understands that I don't feel comfortable making a move like that just for a boyfriend, I would do it for marriage. That's where I stand on it. So I decided to slow down, and take the pressure off. I don't need to worry myself about trying to close the distance right now.

I believe it will happen naturally, if that is the case. To be honest, I feel that there is something to be said for him being the one to make the big moves. I'm not saying actually move. I'm talking about making the moves to progress the relationship, which he has been doing since day one. So I'm pretty confident that if he wants to take it to the next level, he will find a way to do that, even though he may see me getting cold feet, or holding back.

In any case, I'm feeling quite at peace with my decision to slow down and enjoy this time.

 

You are a commitmentphobe, like it or not. It doesn't have to look like the version of a swinging bachelor seeking out one night stands but not relationships. You can be one and still long for a relationship. It's just that you sabotage anything that might have staying power, because you're scared of being tied down. I believe your fear of commitment is a major reason you're so back and forth with your stance on this relationship. One day, you're so in love and if you accidentally get pregnant then it's "meant to be". The next, you're looking for his flaws and focused on them and wondering if that means it's not "meant to be". .. What?

I am so happy to hear from you again, Idoltree! I have missed you. Thank you so much for all of this. I love the way you write, and the way you talk to me reminds me of the way my cousin/like a sister counsels me. You (and some of the other posters here) are the reason I continue coming back to LoveShack.

You are right. I never thought of myself as a commitment phobe, but I think that appeared over the past couple years, and certainly has flared up in this relationship. Sometimes I find myself totally flustered thinking, "' I don't know how to act!" I DO love him, but I am scared, and I do get critical and tend to focus on his flaws. Then he disarms me every time, which is why I go back and forth.

Finances. I feel like if you're having sex without birth control, then you're at a place in your relationship where you can have a frank discussion about them. You seem really afraid of this topic, yet also stuck on it.

Yes, of course. I think that I have mentioned being separated by such a great distance, it's very hard to know the day to day, or even really gbe able to talk about it as naturally and easily as if you were in the same city, seeing each other all the time. This is no excuse.

We have of course had conversations about non-superficial things, of course. It's not as if we haven't. In fact, lately, we've been talking more about work, benefits, retirement funds, our opinions on disciplining children, the importance of marriage and family unit, what if I became pregnant (he seems starry-eyed about that idea), how if he moved here, his work prospects, and vice versa, finances, etc.

So, maybe it just takes time to feel more comfortable discussing these things? I think that could be. I am not afraid of it. It's in the works.

 

Until you talk to your guy, you are just making assumptions about what his situation is. Plus, his situation is not fixed. If you make it clear that finances are important to you, perhaps you could work something out where you manage them and that both of you speak and agree before either of you makes a purchase over $____.

You are right. I have already made it clear that finances are important to me. I think I would definitely be the one managing things in the relationship. I like to manage !

He often has applauded me for being so organized and good with management, that is part of my work anyway.. so he likes to ask me for my advice and help with things that require planning, organization, and management. So yeah. I think I would be the one holding the purse strings for sure.

He even listens to my advice about how to get through to his daughter. He didn't ask, but I hear him moaning about it, I make kind suggestions and offer my opinion, what I "think" he should do to make it better. He told me that he highly values my opinion and honors my advice. That I am right, he thinks he should do these things I suggest. I thought that was pretty cool. I surprised myself.

 

You look to the men you date to save you. You think that a relationship should be this all-encompassing thing that wraps you up and keeps you safe. In some ways, you want your lover to also be a father to you.

Look to them to save me from WHAT? I wonder what it is I am looking for. I can see that I want some 'fatherly' qualities in a lover. I can see that. I thought that was like a biological, primal thing, no? Don't all women want a man who will protect them and keep them safe, or who is willing and able to, I should say? Someone who will stand up for them and defend their honor and all that.

 

Sometimes you're going to kick him really hard when you're half-asleep at 2:49am because he's doing that thing where he scratches you with his toenails in that way that he thinks is super funny and that you hate more than anything. (That last one is from experience. Ahem.)

OMG I'm dying picturing this.:lmao::lmao::lmao:

I totally get it!! I know what you mean. Sometimes my guy says things that make me think "WTF? Oh no he didn't actually just say that out loud. Yup, he just did." Once he came in to the bathroom and sat on the toilet with the door open while I was putting my makeup on at the sink and I was absolutely appalled and embarrassed and ran out. He laughed and said I would have to get used to this closeness. The last time I went to New Orleans to see him, he was trying to make our first night sleeping together again after 6 weeks this buildup of slow and romantic lovemaking. I was horny and he was teasing me and he wasn't moving inside of me because he was trying to enjoy the moment and 'ohh, this is so romantic...' and I was so frustrated and turned on that I gave him a little slap on the jaw and told him to ** me and shut up. He thought that was the cutest thing ever. But he was driving me crazy at the time with his romance BS.

I know what you mean. It's about all the real stuff like this. I look forward to more of these moments with him.

 

Stop looking to him to save you. He can't. No one can. You're stuck with you, so you better start believing in yourself and working to let go of your tendencies that don't help you (Hint: anxiety, self-doubt, catastrophic thinking, etc.) There are no shortcuts to being at peace with yourself; you tend to look to men to do it for you.

What am I looking to him to save me from? I wonder.

But you are right in what you say. I do need to have more confidence in myself.

It's fine to have a boundary like "I need to be engaged to live together" as long as it's coming from a place of confidence. Yours is coming from a place of anxiety, fear, and reactivity. So, with that perspective, does your rule keep you safe or does it hurt you?

Well, I have other reasons for not wanting to live together. A really big one is that I am confident in my own life that I have made for myself in my home and that I am comfortable with. I wouldn't give that up so easily, or be willing to share it so easily. I protect my independence. Another main reason is that I would have to move across the country, not just down the street. That's a much bigger commitment or risk in my mind. Aside from the fact that I believe living together before knowing for sure that you want to marry someone is downright foolish, especially at my age. I wouldn't even DATE someone that I couldn't see myself marrying anymore. I didn't get to this point until I was over 30.

I think that ultimately... maybe my commitment phobia kicking in....

I'm fiercely protective of my independence, and maybe closed off in some ways, stuck in my ways, I like to keep my own bubble in my own space. I'm very cautious to share that or show that to someone. So I would need a very secure and safe, reliable, committed situation with someone in order to feel comfortable enough to share it. Also, I only have my experiences to rely on. Why would I live with a boyfriend again, after I lived with two previously, for years, who never wanted to marry me? Why would I do that? It's just plain stupid. I just don't feel comfortable living with him before we both know that we want to marry each other. It's too much of a risk that I just don't feel comfortable with, among these other things I've mentioned.

 

You know, many many pages back you admitted that you likely have issues regarding feeling abandoned by your father. I feel rather disheartened that you turn to him for advice and take it so seriously. You likely do not have an emotionally healthy relationship with your dad. You're 32 and looking to him for approval of your choices. Do you not think that's a little strange? I don't think your dad is a trusted resource, not because there's anything wrong with him, but because you are still acting submissive to him out of your abandonment fears.

Hm. Do I not think that's a little strange....?I guess I figure that as a father he does have my best interests in mind, and will tell me if he thinks I'm doing something that is against my best interest.

I guess I can see your correlation to if I felt abandoned, then why would I turn to him for advice? Well, I don't think that feeling disappointed or abandoned has anything to do with the fact that he wants the best for me.

Maybe sometimes I still need my parents' approval. I ask for my mom's advice too, and I usually take it.

 

Speaking of abandonment fears, you also view your relationship through them. You know what, Venus? Even if this guy cheated on you and left you, you'd be okay. You'd love again. You'd laugh again. You'd go on to have a great life. Everything about him has shown that he cares for you and thinks you're special. If he's dumb enough to mess that up, then he's not worth your time. Have some confidence in yourself and your worth... but don't go overboard and become entitled.

It's funny you say this, because at the outset of this relationship, I was having doubts about whether I could trust him, or if he was sincere, or if he was saying this to all the women he met while they were in New Orleans on vacation. I started thinking something really unfamiliar to me... and it was "I don't care". It felt so strange the first time I thought it.

But it was like, yeah, I would be sad and disappointed, but I really don't care if he's doing that, or could do it, or will do it. I hope not of course, but I am very confident that I would be just fine on the other side. I'd probably be better. Because I'm stronger than I thought I used to be.

It's very COMFORTING to tell myself that I'm OK. Let's just assume the worst, I get duped, hurt, betrayed, whatever. I'm going to be ok, that is why I really don't care much about what other people do or say. I think that's called growing up. !

 

If you are making decisions from a place of confidence and stretching a little past your comfort zone, then they are the right ones.

Yes, I see. The great thing about him is that he pushes me in a way to still feel comfortable while getting out of my comfort zone. I think it had to take someone special.

 

If it were up to me, I'd do one of two things: Stay as you are, but stop torturing yourself with the back and forths. Give yourself permission to see where this goes and don't feel like you have to know right now. You don't. If you spend a ton of time in this relationship and you still don't know, then you'll have a decision to make. That's all. There is no need to panic. See how things are in 6 months, and enjoy those 6 months.

That's exactly what I'm going to do.

[lana-banana]

Venus, I'm so proud of you. I know that sounds condescending but it's true! You have grown so much since you began this thread and I think this relationship, roadblocks and red flags aside, has been great for you. You seem much more level-headed these days. Even when you do flip back and forth it's far less dramatic than it used to be. You should feel confident and happy in the person you've become. You are going to be okay no matter what happens in this relationship, city, whatever. You're going to be great!

 

In fact, lately, we've been talking more about work, benefits, retirement funds, our opinions on disciplining children, the importance of marriage and family unit, what if I became pregnant (he seems starry-eyed about that idea), how if he moved here, his work prospects, and vice versa, finances, etc.

 

I know this is a highly personal decision and you've articulated your stance before but please use the sponge or VCF at least until you guys are living together. Whatever anxiety you feel now would be amplified exponentially if you were pregnant. You shouldn't have to experience that without him at your side. I don't think you want to, either. Could you imagine going to your first (first several, most likely) doctors' appointments alone?

 

Look to them to save me from WHAT? I wonder what it is I am looking for. I can see that I want some 'fatherly' qualities in a lover. I can see that. I thought that was like a biological, primal thing, no? Don't all women want a man who will protect them and keep them safe, or who is willing and able to, I should say? Someone who will stand up for them and defend their honor and all that.

 

I don't. At the least I don't think about a man's ability to protect me and keep me safe (yet again, from what?) as a trait I desire. I also can't think about the last time my honor was impugned. My ideal man is a partner, not a knight. Maybe the answer is in your own feelings of helplessness about the world around you? What are you afraid of, what do you doubt your ability to handle?

 

Interestingly, my boyfriend actually is able to protect me from something in my life, so to speak, and while I put a great value on his doing so...it's not essential. I think it speaks very highly on him that he can and he does, but it's certainly not something I'd expect from anyone.

[Eighty_nine]

Venus, I hate to be a negative Nancy but I wonder if after your next visit you'll be right back to this anxious place. It sounds like you need engagement in order to consider moving to New Orleans. Do you think these visits will eventually be enough that you can both be confident in getting engaged, before actually living in the same city and seeing each other regularly?

[venusishername]

Venus, I hate to be a negative Nancy but I wonder if after your next visit you'll be right back to this anxious place. It sounds like you need engagement in order to consider moving to New Orleans. Do you think these visits will eventually be enough that you can both be confident in getting engaged, before actually living in the same city and seeing each other regularly?

To answer your first point, the anxiety comes in and out in waves. I've had a tough past couple of days this week where I feel very needy and lonely, feeling very frustrated with not being able to communicate with him in the way that I want to, as often as I want to. He's been busy with work and life so just over the past week he hasn't been as available, or I don't hear from him as much. We never miss a day without speaking or at least some texting. My point is, there are ups and downs.

 

 

In the beginning of this relationship, I used to have a much easier time with the long distance. Now that I have invested so much, my feelings have grown, and I'm opening my heart again it's really starting to wear on me. I have needs and sometimes I feel lonely and disconnected from him. That comes with the long distance. It's par for the course. Sometimes I feel insecure or feel jealous, my mind goes off in directions out of fear and insecurity. The distance is very hard. And it will be as long as we are separated.

The good thing is that we do communicate very well and we are there for each other. The talks we have are really all we have sometimes, so we have to make them quality. I feel like he really does understand me, he's very patient with me too. I really need that.

Last night I called him in the middle of the night because I hadn't heard from him to say good night. We talked for an hour at 4 a.m. his time. I just needed to talk to him. I had a moment where I was feeling sad and lonely, and craving his attention. I told him I didn't want to show my weakness by being needy and wanting his attention. But that I can't help it, sometimes this is really hard on me and I'm not going to pretend everything is ok when it's not. He understands and he validates my feelings, good or bad.

We both experience these feelings, which I think brings us closer together.

I feel the longing and pain of the absence is really strengthening my love for him. As scary as that is... to think that my love is growing... it is true.

 

 

Sometimes thoughts go through my mind like, "I can't do this", or "I don't think I'm cut out for this long distance", or whatever other thoughts... sometimes I want to run away from these feelings. (My commitment phobia that Idoltree pointed out is evident sometimes). I get nervous and afraid of the real stuff, as much as I desire it.

 

 

I can't say how I will feel after this next visit, Lissvarna. I know that I will feel up and down though, as always. I'm not going to look too far ahead though. I will of course long for a time that we can live in the same city, because that would alleviate a lot of the pain I feel sometimes.

 

 

Yes, you are right... at this time, an engagement is the only thing that would get me to move to New Orleans. And yes, I think that despite what people might think... it is not 'too soon' or 'too little time spent' to know if we want to get married. People have done it in far less time and far fewer face to face time than we have. Clearly we have something special, otherwise we would not have still continued dating exclusively from across the country. So to answer your question, I don't see why not a couple more visits would be enough for us to know whether or not we wanted to get married. It may not happen that way, but we've already been talking about it, he still talks about me moving in with him and how he wants me to be with him there, how he has always wanted a woman like me who is xyz, he still talks about our future child/ren. We already know we are looking for the same thing, that is what we talked about early on. So I think we would be as confident as we possibly could be, if it comes to that. Even my married friends told me they still had some doubts or they weren't 100% sure. You can never REALLY know. It's a risk, right? You just make the best effort you can and follow your heart.

I was with my ex for years, lived with him and all. I didn't know him to be capable of what he turned out to be. You can never REALLY know someone. Plus, people grow apart. I'd be confident enough to know that I am willing to take an educated leap of faith. I think I'm getting pretty close to that point, actually.

 

But we are still getting to know, we are going through these trials and tough times, like lately, the honeymoon and hearts and flowers is starting to wear off a bit, the real us is coming to the surface, faults, flaws and all, insecurities too. It takes tome to grow. There is no need to rush, although sometimes I get impatient, I know that is not a good idea.

I'm not going to date him long distance for years, but I think it's a good idea to just take one chunk of time at a time. I've always been telling myself that in this relationship. At first it was 24 hours at a time. Then it was one week at a time, then one month, now months at a time.

Now we have this long separation of 2.5 months (the longest so far), the next visit in the end of June, and our first vacation out of our respective cities together. That's next. This is what I am focusing on. This current long separation is very difficult and trying. He says this time is important too. And he's right. It's a test. I guess we have to go through this to get to the other side. It will strengthen the relationship or kill it.

Edited May 16, 2016 by venusishername

[No_Go]

You're putting yourself in a very precarious position. I apologize in advance that some of the statements may sound hurtful ... But just reading the bolded parts below makes me feel so uneasy:

 

I feel the longing and pain of the absence is really strengthening my love for him. As scary as that is... to think that my love is growing... it is true. You don't long the person, you long the fantasy about a person. Pain of absence follows from 'what ifs' - i.e. fantasy land. If you were together for months/years and THEN you become LTR due to circumstances, I get it. But her you don't really know the person, just his phone/text persona. How many times you met? If I calculate correctly - from end of Oct to end of June = 8 months, 2.5 separated now - so 5.5 months. The initial meet + a few visits. In 5.5. months. It's not much - enough to make a penpal, but I wouldn't even call it bf/gf yet. Do you even know his names? Date of birth? (I'm saying that based on bitter personal experience - a exBF-conman of mine used his MIDDLE name, his first name was super common and he told me about it afterwrds. He became 'trackable' - 30+ criminal offenses popped up on the search with his complete name...)

 

I don't see why not a couple more visits would be enough for us to know whether or not we wanted to get married. It may not happen that way, but we've already been talking about it, he still talks about me moving in with him and how he wants me to be with him there, how he has always wanted a woman like me who is xyz, he still talks about our future child/ren.

Nothing bad to fantasize, but knowing that it is exactly that right now - a fantasy. You both are NOT steps towards future - except the event in the end of June where he needs a +1. Children are completely off the cards for you two - again - no problem discussing it, but in reality - you don't live together, nor have the money to rise a child as of current. Of course, you could be discussing how to change that, so the child-goal is feasible in some forseeable future - but no of you is doing that as well. So marriage / kids is just the sweet talk that he knows you want to hear.

 

I'd be confident enough to know that I am willing to take an educated leap of faith. I think I'm getting pretty close to that point, actually. You effectively gave him a pass to manipulate you. As long as he sweet-talks you into marriage, you'd stick around. As long as he gives ytou a ring - you'd leave your entire life behind and move to him. Btw ring/proposal is a STEP towards marriage, and can be EASILY reversed. I just don't see how a ring will give you a security if you don't feel it beforehand.

 

Again, sorry if this sounds rough. I just think a more realistic look can actually help you to PROGRESS in this relationship, rather than hinder it.

[lana-banana]

Oh, Venus. I was so happy for you and then you flip-flopped right back again. You say there are ups and downs, but it looks more like left and rights to me. One day everything is amazing, the next day it's disastrous; one day you're willing to go with the flow and see how the relationship proceeds, and not even two days later you're saying you're perfectly ready to get engaged. You can't even stick to a story in the same post!

 

We both experience these feelings, which I think brings us closer together.

I feel the longing and pain of the absence is really strengthening my love for him. As scary as that is... to think that my love is growing... it is true.

 

While I don't agree completely with No_Go's more pessimistic view of the situation, I think she's absolutely right that absence doesn't strengthen your love when you've been long-distance the entire time. Right now it's just strengthening your imagination. You're fantasizing and romanticizing the whole thing rather than dealing with the reality of what being together is like.

 

Yes, you are right... at this time, an engagement is the only thing that would get me to move to New Orleans. And yes, I think that despite what people might think... it is not 'too soon' or 'too little time spent' to know if we want to get married. People have done it in far less time and far fewer face to face time than we have.

 

This is what's known as the appeal to precedent fallacy. People have had nine kids on a single salary too, but that doesn't make it a good idea. As for what "people might think"; Venus, you were the one saying you didn't have enough information and you needed more time to be sure! You said you weren't going to rush things, you couldn't rush things, and you definitely needed more time to be sure. Now you say you know you want to get married.

 

Are you really and truly ready to marry this guy, or do you just want a ring on it and figure that engagement is easier than moving down there and learning who he really is? Venus, while learning to work together as a couple is hard, learning to work together as a couple with his teenage daughter after you've gotten married is a hell of a lot harder.

 

Even my married friends told me they still had some doubts or they weren't 100% sure. You can never REALLY know. It's a risk, right? You just make the best effort you can and follow your heart.

 

Of course everyone has some doubts, but there's a difference between having doubts and not even knowing how you function as a couple on a daily basis.

 

I was with my ex for years, lived with him and all. I didn't know him to be capable of what he turned out to be. You can never REALLY know someone. Plus, people grow apart. I'd be confident enough to know that I am willing to take an educated leap of faith. I think I'm getting pretty close to that point, actually.

 

This sounds more like an attempt to convince us (and yourself) that you don't need to know more about him because you can never fully know someone anyway. With all due respect that's an absurd argument. How is it an "educated" leap of faith when you've chosen not to investigate him or his various red flags? Have you done a basic background check?

 

I don't think there's anything wrong with any individual elements of what you wrote. It's the contradictory combination thereof---we're ready to get married, it's not too soon, we don't need to rush, I can't really know him, we need more time, I'm still getting to know him, I want to get engaged---that suggests underneath your "at peace" facade, you're really all over the place about this. It might be a good idea to spend some of this time apart to meditate and see where your heart truly lies.

Edited May 16, 2016 by lana-banana

[venusishername]

How many times you met? If I calculate correctly - from end of Oct to end of June = 8 months, 2.5 separated now - so 5.5 months. The initial meet + a few visits. In 5.5. months. It's not much - enough to make a penpal, but I wouldn't even call it bf/gf yet. Do you even know his names? Date of birth? (I'm saying that based on bitter personal experience - a exBF-conman of mine used his MIDDLE name, his first name was super common and he told me about it afterwrds. He became 'trackable' - 30+ criminal offenses popped up on the search with his complete name...)

It's hard not to take your post as very harsh, but just to clear it up:

 

We met in October, and have spent now 5 visits spanning 2-7 days together each time and have spent hours talking on the phone basically every day since we met 7 months ago. I realize this is not a great deal of time compared to the normal relationships in the same city, but I can't see how our relationship and connection can be devalued because of that and it's not fair to generalize either.

He asked me to be his girlfriend pretty much right after our first date. He refers to me as his girlfriend to family, friends, me, etc. We both established really early on that we are not seeing anyone else, and don't want to. I would consider that to be the very definition of boyfriend/girlfriend. Plus we are having sex, and have been for months now, and we're not sleeping with anyone else. To say we are only "enough to be penpals' is ****ing absurd and very rude.

 

Nothing about this relationship is conventional, I don't disagree with you there. Although we have always been and started out long distance, let me tell you, I didn't think it would last this long, nor did I think we would fall in love like this, or it would develop into what it has. And yes, I know his names and date of birth.

I'm sorry that happened to you. I've been through the ringer myself with an ex who I knew day in and day out and even lived with. He turned out to be a criminal and now has a pretty nasty record. So I sure feel duped myself by that guy. This all happened AFTER I ended the relationship, so imagine my betrayal!! This all happened after I thought I knew him very, very well.

 

 

I did a simple background check on my guy tonight (need to be sure to cancel the subscription) because I feel like that was a huge waste. Nothing it pulled up was contradictory or was anything surprising, because he has been honest from the start. He had an arrest that showed up on there that happened when he was a teenager that he told me about early on. He's not a bank robber or sex offender, and his name, birthday, family members, and addresses, email addresses, education, work history... are all completely consistent with what he has told me and what I have seen on my own internet and social media searching. So that's done with.

 

You both are NOT steps towards future - except the event in the end of June where he needs a +1. Children are completely off the cards for you two - again - no problem discussing it, but in reality - you don't live together, nor have the money to rise a child as of current. Of course, you could be discussing how to change that, so the child-goal is feasible in some forseeable future - but no of you is doing that as well. So marriage / kids is just the sweet talk that he knows you want to hear.

Not steps towards future. How so? How are we any different than any other couple 7 months in, other than being long distance? I think he and I have had more substantial and serious talks and plans for the future than any other boyfriend I've had in my past, and we saw each other most days of the week when we weren't living together.

 

I really don't feel he sees me as just needing a "+1". He doesn't have to spend the money to travel all the way out here to where I live, then take me with him to a wedding out of the country, then return with me back to my city, or for that matter, bring me around his entire family. People don't do that if they just need a +1. He doesn't need a +1. He doesn't have to go to this wedding at all. But he wants to see me, and he wants to use this event as a nice vacation for us. So he's been working his tail off and saving and getting the finances in order to do that. That's a lot of effort just to have a date to a wedding. I wouldn't do that. Would you?

 

We don't have the money to raise a child. Huh. I know people with far less incomes than we do that have children, although I'm not saying you should have 4 kids when you're both under 30 and be a housewife like my cousin, totally dependent on her husband and happy as a clam having that life. I'm not and not going to be that kind of woman. In our situation, I think it would definitely be possible. I realize it's not cheap to raise a child. But it's certainly not out of the realm of possibility for us. That's ridiculous to say, considering we have dual incomes.

 

You effectively gave him a pass to manipulate you. As long as he sweet-talks you into marriage, you'd stick around. As long as he gives ytou a ring - you'd leave your entire life behind and move to him. Btw ring/proposal is a STEP towards marriage, and can be EASILY reversed. I just don't see how a ring will give you a security if you don't feel it beforehand.

I'm trying really hard to bite my tongue here. How can ANYONE then feel totally secure, ring or not? Are you implying that he is saying this to string me along? I already know that talk is just talk. He's just talking now. I'm not going to wait around just because he tells me these things, but I really do believe he has good intentions and is sincere. So I don't mistrust him.

 

I don't feel he is sweet talking me into anything. He's not manipulative. Although he knows what I am looking for in my life, he would be very cruel to use that as a manipulation tactic, and I do not see that he is doing that. He's just not that kind of person. I find him to be too honest.

And if he just wanted to keep me around, why would he go to all this effort? Don't you think if he didn't want me and want what I do that he would have dropped me a long time ago for someone in his own city who is available every day to date him in person? He's got an easy out. But he doesn't want it.

 

What a ring would do is give me the security that he is serious about making a serious commitment and is seriously wanting to build a life with me that includes marriage and a family. If he gave me a ring, I would not be leaving my "entire life behind". You make it sound like he'd be coercing or manipulating me into this kind of submission. He's doing nothing like that. If he asked me to marry him it would be because he wanted to, not because he's trying to trick me or 'keep' me.

 

You are right about one thing in your post, that a ring would not give me a magical blanket of blind security. Other than proving that he is serious about me.

What I feel insecure about is not knowing him on a day to day, in and out, face to face relationship. That's where my insecurity and hesitation lies. I realize that can't be remedied based on circumstances and my boundaries right now, so as it stands today, we just have to be long distance and therefore I can't really know him on a face to face daily basis.

Oh, Venus. I was so happy for you and then you flip-flopped right back again. You say there are ups and downs, but it looks more like left and rights to me. One day everything is amazing, the next day it's disastrous; one day you're willing to go with the flow and see how the relationship proceeds, and not even two days later you're saying you're perfectly ready to get engaged. You can't even stick to a story in the same post!

 

There's nothing disastrous about anything. I feel emotional at times, that's all. The distance really gets to me, as it would be expected. I think it is the wisest and most practical decision I can possibly make is to go with the flow for now and just focus on the very present. Because that's all that I have other than our next visit, and talking about the future.

 

I was only responding to Lissvarna's post, where she asked if I felt after a couple more visits did I think we would be 'sure' or convinced that we wanted to get married. I was just trying to answer that.

I still feel the same way as before, I am calm in that I am letting the time unfold things as it will. As you know,it takes time to get to know someone, and we are. Maybe it's happening a little slower than what is considered or thought of to be "normal". I'm not flip-flopping, I do feel it's important not to rush, I can see a lot of value in the time spent, even in the separation, we have already experienced many ups and downs and are opening our hearts more. I really do think this is important. So I took all the pressure off myself and stopped worrying about moving there, all the talk about moving in with him. I stopped worrying about 6 months from now, and instead am focusing on the present. Seriously. That hasn't changed.

 

What I said was that I feel like I am getting closer to being more sure that I want to marry him. I don't see anything wrong with realizing that it's a good idea not to rush, but then at the same time feel more confident in time that you would be willing to take that leap. Isn't that normal? I'm sorry, what am I missing here? I really don't know how it could be SO much different or better or based in any more reality compared to someone who lived here that I was dating either.

 

The thing is, our relationship is what it is. It's not ideal, it's not conventional. But no one else knows it or can make judgments either. It's not fair to say that just because of these circumstances that it's no less valid or real or believable than a relationship where we were dating and seeing each other a couple times a week in the same city.

 

While I don't agree completely with No_Go's more pessimistic view of the situation, I think she's absolutely right that absence doesn't strengthen your love when you've been long-distance the entire time.

Uh huh. Well then, what exactly is the absence doing? Is it making us create and imagine a fantasy when we have seen much of the good and the bad already? Is it deteriorating our connection? No. Who are you to say the absence isn't strengthening it? I don't feel that is fair.

Look. Let's say we lived in the same city. Do you think we would be more or less in love and it would be based in reality MORE if we were dating conventionally?

IT ISN'T THE CASE THAT WE ARE IN THE SAME CITY. I have accepted this, and it sucks. Neither one of us wanted to be in a long distance relationship, but hey, 6+ months has just gone by and we are still going strong, hell, I think even stronger. That's certainly saying something. It doesn't reek of superficiality or penpal status to me. Clearly there is something there that is substantial.

 

Of course everyone has some doubts, but there's a difference between having doubts and not even knowing how you function as a couple on a daily basis.

I know. It really friggin sucks. But again, we are not in the same city. We knew that getting into this. He has tried to find a solution to that problem by asking me to move in with him, which I won't do. Then I thought I could move there and get my own place, but then I realized I'm not quite ready to do that anyway right this moment, and then I realized I need more of a serious commitment (like engagement) to consider moving across the country. Which is where I stand today, and will continue to.

Let's say he proposed. I wouldn't be able to move there for 6 months anyway. So in reality, that is neither here nor there, so why worry about it?? It's not happening. He's not proposing. He's just talking now. But from what I have seen he is a man of his word, so if he talks about something, or says something, he does it, or does his very best to follow through on it as soon as he is possibly able to. So it is a possibility that will happen. If it does, yes, I would be much more confident and feel much more secure in moving across the country to be with this man in the same city.

 

But for right now...the situation is what it is and I am CHOOSING to stay in it. Even though it's not ideal, even though it's hard sometimes, even though I do not want to be in a long distance relationship for many reasons. But I am CHOOSING to do this, so I am holding myself accountable for all the ups and downs that come along with the long distance. But we ARE learning how we are functioning on a daily basis because we COMMUNICATE. And the distance and absence actually is a very good test of the strength of the relationship.

Look, it has crossed my mind several times to just back out because sometimes this is too hard, I get lonely, I get emotional, I don't feel secure or I feel jealousy or neediness, not being able to see, touch, or talk to him whenever I want. It sucks that we can't spend these day to day together in the flesh.

 

But I am accepting that this is what it is for now. He is too. We both know that we don't want this to be permanent. That is more than I would have expected this relationship to become when it started. I was totally skeptical if I'd ever hear or see from him again. So I don't see why I should back out now, just because it isn't easy, or it isn't ideal. We are talking about the future and we have been for some time. For various reasons, I don't want to give up. Therefore, I have to hold myself accountable for that choice. It's not easy. I'm going to have moments of feeling lonely, vulnerable, needy, insecure, sad, feeling desperate to close the distance. This is where you might see me 'going left and right'. It's ****ing hard, Lana.

And then I'm reminded that it's more important to pace it, slow down, and enjoy this time and get to know, take the time, plan these trips, plan ahead, work together, open up to each other. It isn't too soon to feel more sure. There is no timeline that is right.

 

How is it an "educated" leap of faith when you've chosen not to investigate him or his various red flags? Have you done a basic background check?

I did tonight, so now you don't have to ask me anymore!

What other investigation is needed other than me asking direct questions as I have been and trying to get the best possible picture of his life and who he is? Am I supposed to sit down with a laundry list of interrogations? No. I think these types of discoveries as you will can only unfold with conversations, time, and getting to know someone. Just because we live far apart doesn't mean I would be getting to know the details of his life any less than I would if I lived there.

It might be a good idea to spend some of this time apart to meditate and see where your heart truly lies.

Yeah. You're right there. I think I need to take a break from overanalyzing my relationship. It's too tiring and I'd just rather be at peace with it and my decisions.

Edited May 17, 2016 by venusishername

[Eighty_nine]

^ I don't think you're going to find an answer regarding your own feelings. I think you will waffle between confident/sure and nervous/insecure. I think that's always a part of the beginning of relationships. But since you're LD, it's going to be that way for awhile for you. I don't think that's necessarily a good thing, or necessarily a bad thing... It's just how it is. It's probably unreasonable to expect you'll feel one way about it all of the time. But that's why eventually making decisions here might be difficult.

[venusishername]

I have a couple of new developments. He booked his tickets to come here and we will be together finally the last week of June, then heading off for a wedding with his family for a little weekend getaway too.

It's a long separation this time, longer than all the others.

 

I feel like our relationship has hit a new level lately. There's been some serious talks. I feel we are really becoming a team. It's a good feeling, and I like this next level of closeness that's happened between us. I feel like it's become a partnership.

 

I have my ups and downs, as far as feeling lonely, sometimes maybe a little needy or insecure, but nothing is catastrophic or terrible and I'm feeling a lot more secure than I was before.

 

I don't want to continue having a long distance relationship permanently, but I really do see this becoming more and more serious and more intertwined as a team effort, so I am less worried about whether it will progress, because it clearly already has.

He asks my opinions and advice, and respects and values that. Recently we have asked each other pointed questions about money, income, debt, taxes, his previous marriage, how he felt about when he had his children when he was very young.

 

 

I feel he is stepping up his game lately. He makes a lot of effort. I think we handle the tough things that have come up as well as simply planning this vacation together in a mature, collaborative way and have a great team approach to resolving things and working together. That's a great feeling and is so important. I feel we are a good match in that way.

 

 

Now. My concerns that I've mentioned before still stand. I can see that those issues will have to be a joint effort in this relationship. I know I can take care of myself, but I don't want to hitch myself to someone who's going into a financial ditch either. He needs some serious money management.

Lana, you would be proud of me, I told him today that I think we should be talking about money, this is the reason so many couples fight and/or get divorced. He gets flustered and overwhelmed when it comes to talking money, but I told him this is important that we talk about it and share the details. The fact that we have to travel to see each other and spend large amounts of money all at once is just the way it is now, and it's a financial strain that comes with the long distance. That's why it's good to take the opportunity to save as much as possible, even continue putting money aside separately (but together) for these visits. I even mentioned financial counseling... because if I'm going to continue with him, we are going to need it. I think every couple should, actually.

And you know what he said? "You are right". He says that a lot. I can tell that he trusts my judgment. So I think because I'm a conscientious person, albeit I don't make a lot of money and don't have a lot of savings, I'm pretty darn responsible and I know I have that aspect under control.

He needs guidance with that.

I can't marry and have a child with a man who I can't be sure can carry his own weight. I don't want to ever have to shoulder his burden financially. I don't aspire to be a stay at home mom and a housewife, I'll have my own career and I'll be just fine. I just need him to be my equal in that respect. I won't accept any less.

 

 

Maybe if I approach it in a mindset of a team effort, this can be successful

I know of many women who are in charge of the finances in their marriage, because they are good at it. I'm good at organizing, managing, and he isn't. He's good at a lot of things that I'm not, so I think it could work. Give and take, right?

 

 

I would like him to be more financially sound than he is currently before I think about marrying him and moving to New Orleans. Therefore, I believe that will take a little time and working together as we have been. So, I'm not in a rush. I'm really not. I'm not going to waste time, but I think we need to work together first.

 

 

He's got a big heart, he's a good man with integrity, he loves me, and he is a good father. He means what he says and does what he says he will do. He's consistent, respectful, and has put a hell of a lot of effort into this relationship. We've always been long distance, and that sure as hell takes work and commitment.

I'm not worried about whether he will propose and rushing into marriage, I'm more concerned with working together to make it work. We have to do that part first, right? If we're going to do it right.

I talked with him today on FaceTime while we coordinated the flight information and times, and his son came over for a bit, so I talked with him too. They spend a lot of time together and that's so nice for me to see. We were talking about middle names and his son asked me mine, and he repeated my name and added their last name to it. I thought that was so sweet. Like he's been thinking about it, or his dad mentioned it to him or something. Anyway, that was nice to hear. Makes me realize that I'm pretty deep in this now.

 

 

And it is a choice I am making, just the fact of choosing to stay in a long distance relationship, or choosing to give him my heart, time and attention and commitment.

I can choose to continue and accept all, good and bad, or I can choose not to. But I feel that if I ask him something, or if I tell him what I want, he does what he has to do to meet my expectations. So I'm not sure if I should worry about him falling short of that.

We even talked about pregnancy today. I told him I don't want to get pregnant on one of our visits while we're living in different states because that would be just awful for me, and I just don't want to be in that situation at all. I told him that scares the hell out of me.

So for that reason, I'm just going to have to use a temporary form of birth control like the sponge that Lana suggested, and not rely on the pulling out and rhythm method, because that's how a lot of women have unplanned pregnancies. I don't want to **** it up again.

I want to do it right this time. I want to use my head more than my heart like I used to before.

 

 

I feel like this relationship has been a great test for me as a woman, not a girl anymore. I realize I hold a lot more power and control than I used to give myself credit for.

 

 

I still haven't and won't change my mind about moving to New Orleans. I won't get my own place there to give it a trial run and get to know him on a day to day basis. The only way I'm leaving here is if we're getting married. Period. He is welcome to come out here, get his own place, get a job out here, but I just don't see him leaving his kids and his business contacts and network behind. He continues to talk about me moving in with him. I tell my friends I think he's trying to get me to go there, which he is. But I won't go so easily.

 

 

I'm planning to renew my lease here in October, and go about my life here as I have been all along. But that's 5 months from now. I feel secure in what I have made for myself, and I want to hold on to that as long as I possibly can. But in the meantime, I am perfectly content with continuing to let this develop, and grow closer. No more panicking and obsessing.

[BluEyeL]

Good luck Venus!

 

The only thing that worries me is that you said that you would like him to be financially sound before getting married. Coming from not so great to sound may take years and you are long distance . So it sounds difficult to achieve

[No_Go]

OP you sound much more confident and grounded this time.

 

For the financial stuff:

- getting his credit in shape is not so hard, my BF got his from mid 600s to ~720 in about 6 months. So I'd say you can get a fix on that in 6-12 months

- is his debt significant? He probably can consolidate his credit card debt with a low interest loan. Obviously less going out etc until he pays it off will make the process faster

- I got the impression that his job is good so no issues here

 

Birth control: sponge/vcf + pull out sound good. Just sponge/vcf: 1/5 chance for pregnancy

 

Good luck - look forward to reading about the next visit

[venusishername]

Nothing new except the tickets are booked and we are getting down to the final few weeks! I really can't wait to see him. He coincidentally just landed a long contract job which is good and I am relieved that came back around. I was getting concerned with the recent sporadic work that he really couldn't afford to take this trip. But now it looks like everything is getting back on track and will be fine. I am relieved. I am also happy that he will be on a strict schedule again and waking up very early, going to bed very early, his job is physically demanding so he's happy to hunker down at home at night and rest. So that means we can be on the same/similar schedule. That was something that kind of worried me... like his work and my work schedule.. I would prefer my guy to work the same hours as I do, especially long distance... so we're not up late losing sleep (guilty) or not able to take the call when at home and settled. So now it looks like it will be that way and I'm happy about that.

 

He mentioned recently about how he appreciates that he found a woman like me who is responsible, organized, and good at taking care of planning and keeping everything on track. Because he's scatterbrained and well... very free-spirited. He said he always went after the wild free spirit women because he thought at the time it would be more interesting. But he kept picking the same kind of woman and it never worked out. So now he realizes that he needs someone like me and that he's never had a relationship like this before, and he is very grateful to have found me and how he needs me.

 

That made me feel good in light of what I've been talking bout lately, as far as the money management and things like that. We've had a chance to work together as far as planning this trip and he really does yield to my judgment, I have to say. I can tell he trusts me. But then sometimes I get flustered and I have some severe anxiety problems (as you all know) and he's quick to take charge and make a rational, calm decision, or simply re-center me and reassure me by finding a solution. That's what I need. As free bird as he is, he's also really good about staying calm and being very centered and rational. I like that. I need help in that way sometimes.

 

I feel sometimes we are a lot alike, but in many ways, are quite the opposite. We don't live in the same city, but I can already tell with these day to day interactions that there is a really good balance.

 

I am content in the fact that I am just going to stay put where I live for now, I plan on renewing my lease here. He knows that, and hasn't asked me about moving in with him lately, because he knows I won't do that. I'm just going to enjoy this time. I do think (and I may be wrong) that he does intend to propose. I kind of have a feeling. Maybe I'm wrong, I don't know. He's talked about it, although I realize many people just TALK about it, but that's never happened with any other guy I've dated. I know he's a family man, and he loves his kids with his whole heart, and takes his relationships seriously. I could tell from the beginning that he's one of those guys that wants a long term, serious, monogamous, devoted relationship. I dated so many other guys that weren't even close to that, or they weren't ready.

He's said before that he didn't do it right with the women he was with before, the ex wife... he just wants that family unit, just like I do. Neither one of us has ever had that, although he had kids, he never had that real family unit. We both know how important that is and we both want it.

 

 

I have no reason to think he isn't serious about me, and I know he knows what I want, and how I don't want to make the same mistakes as I have in my past relationships. I guess I just fear spending a long time with someone who has no intention of having that with me. It happened to me in the past. He could say all these things just to keep me on the line, other men have been guilty of doing that, right? All talk, no action...

 

 

I know I said I would wait it out and not stress about how are we going to close this distance, how can we make it move forward faster...but it is in the back of my mind... how can we make this come together, if we don't know that we want to get married, or aren't 'ready' or whatever it takes...

I've decided to stay put here and revisit the issue in a couple months.

 

What will be different then? I don't know. We could be in exactly the same predicament then, and it will not have progressed.

Sometimes I feel impatient and want to plan ahead so that I don't waste time, but I realize that I have to let the time pass so we can develop the relationship as we have been and get to know each other better. I am already in really deep and invested now, I can't back out of fear of wasting time. I have to trust in myself more, and know that I will know when the right time is, or when to move forward.

 

The other day he was musing about the future, something like... "soon we can make this come together and live together, and really get settled in, and then we can make up for all this lost time."

That said to me so much about how strongly he feels about this. It goes deeper than just longing. He's starting to visualize the future with me. Ha- I know it sounds silly, but for me it's been mostly just TRYING to picture it... he already IS picturing it.

 

None of my ex boyfriends ever ever talked that way with me. The guys that I spent years with, living with, never talked about these things.

I guess I didn't either, much. That's why this relationship is different.

 

We were talking about his kids today and how he had them young and unplanned...I said something today about what would we do if I became pregnant and he paused, and said "I'd really rather we be married first." And I said me too, of course, and the reasons why. And he said that he knows and he wants to give me what I want. I think he might do it.

 

I just need to actually BE with him more for any of that to happen. Problem solved. Still in love, still keeping my eyes open, enjoying this new level we are on now.

I still can't believe sometimes we have made this work long distance for this long. Goes to show, you never know when love will find you and what form it will take.

 

I like to tell people my story about how I gave up and threw in the towel on dating, how I got to that point of "screw it, I'm done looking, I am just going to enjoy being single and independent". Strangely enough, I couldn't find any connection in my own city, but I literally got out of town and he walked right in. He approached me, asked me to dance, asked for my phone number, called me on the phone, picked me up in his car, took me on a date, followed up after our date, and he's never stopped contacting me ever since. He has pursued me every step of the way. He has made a lot of effort to win me over, to hold my interest, stay communicative, be AVAILABLE, and never keep me guessing about whether he is interested. He makes it very clear.

 

When I read other posters stories on LS about 'should I text him?', 'Deciphering mixed signals', or otherwise half-assed dating efforts by men they are interested in... I have to shake my head. I used to be that way.

My guy has made it very clear from the very first night we met that all I have to do is be receptive and show him I am also interested. In fact, that's what he said kept him pursuing me in the beginning. This makes my job easy.

 

 

Now I just have to remember to stay patient and give this due time.

[Eighty_nine]

Anything new with this, Venus?

[venusishername]

Anything new with this, Venus?

Thanks for asking. There's not a whole lot new, but to be honest, lately I've been feeling that the long distance is starting to really wear on me.

 

Obviously, in many ways, my needs aren't being met as far as physical affection and sex, and the every day interaction face to face that I realize is very important. There are many times, like right now for instance, that I am feeling really lonely and I know that he's not available to me to talk about my day or just share my feelings. At the end of the day the other day, I came home alone after a nice Sunday, and felt lonelier than ever.

 

I can see why most people don't give LDRs much confidence. I had a bad case of the green eyed monster last week. I cracked. A few days before that, I got really upset that I didn't hear back from him the night before.

We did connect the next morning, but I was totally fired up that he didn't call me the before, even though we had talked earlier. I guess things that wouldn't normally bother me have been recently. Not sure if I can attribute that to the distance and my feeling of separation and loneliness... or if I'm just not getting what I need and this is my way of showing it.

 

After we smoothed it over after my upset of not hearing from him for one day, something else popped up. I follow him on FB, which is common, right? He is friends with this woman and she made a flirtatious comment to him and I saw a picture of the two of them. So because I follow him, I can see everything he likes, or if one of his friends comments or posts, pictures, etc. It's not as if I'm snooping, it's all out in the open for anyone to see. I took a picture of the picture, demanded that he tell me what the hell was going on, and if he wants to date other women, by all means do so but then I can't be in this relationship anymore, are we in a monogamous relationship or not, etc, etc. It looked to me on it's face that he was spending time with another woman, and she was blatantly flirting with him. He didn't respond to her comment. See this is why FB sucks. This is all petty ****. So now I unfollowed him on FB because I never want to get jealous like that again.

 

 

So he called at his earliest opportunity, I didn't answer because I was too angry to talk and I didn't want to talk to him like that anyway. He texted me instead. He was adamant that this person was not a threat, she was visiting (he occasionally does Airbnb) and he and his guy friend that I know were out touring NOLA one day, and the guy friend snapped a photo of my bf and this woman. He tried to make up some excuse at first for what her comment could have meant, but I said I didn't believe that was true. He admitted that "well, yes, what if she was flirting by her comment, so what? I'm not interested in other women, yes, we are in a monogamous relationship, I'm in love with you and only you, I've never tried longer and harder with anyone, Venus. I don't want you to be upset, there was nothing romantic between that person and me, plus she lives in Europe anyway, there is nothing to be concerned about, what can I do to make you feel more secure, you did this last time before we saw each other too, I can tell you are starting to crack and I don't want to see you upset like this, what can I do to make you feel more secure, I'm here, etc."

Since that day, I've had to retreat into myself quite a bit to save face. While there is nothing wrong with being honest with him about how it made me feel, I feel like I really made myself look bad by blowing up like that.

I truly don't feel in my heart that I have anything to really be jealous about... the real truth is, another woman, other people in general, sometimes women, get to spend time with him and have his personal attention and go out with him and I don't. He's a really warm, friendly person who literally will make friends with anyone. I told him that it made me feel really uncomfortable to see that picture (there was nothing weird about the picture) and her comment along with it. He told me he always tells people about me, and he's been talking about our next visit, and trip. I'm no secret, I guess. His comments and pictures are all over my FB, and he tags me in his photos, he posts pictures of us together, etc.

I guess he doesn't feel that spending time with other women is inappropriate, because in his mind, they are just friendly and there's no romantic involvement.

I wish I could say the same. Here I am, sitting here, and I very rarely ever interact with other men in a social atmosphere, and particularly one on one. Seeing that interaction with that foreign woman, it made me feel like maybe I was being duped, because he's out having these interactions with other women, and I close myself off to other men. I absolutely do have male friends, but I don't hang out with them one on one anymore that I am dating him, because I don't really feel it's appropriate because maybe one person might get the wrong idea, because that has happened to me with male friends. They want more than my friendship. Not always of course. But sometimes that has happened. So I hang out with men and women together, or just women. I just think that maybe he and I have different views on what is acceptable. Maybe I'm the one that's ****ed up and I should be more like he is in that way.

 

I asked him how he would feel if the tables were turned and he saw that comment, or saw a picture of me with some other guy?

He said he has felt jealousy before (in this relationship) but it's a matter of him trusting me, so it's not something that he feels he needs to really be worried about. He would be happy for me to have a male friend(s) I could talk to and trust (I do), but he would only feel jealousy if it started to take my time and attention away from him. Which hasn't been the case on my end. I thought about trying to make him just a little jealous (which is stupid, I know). He said in the heat of that little spat that he knows that "all these other guys" are fighting for my attention (HA!) so he has to do whatever it takes to make sure no one else steals me away from him. That is his motivation! Well- he can believe whatever he wants to believe, since that seems to be what has kept his pursuit. (I hardly ever get approached anymore). I know men do notice me, but none have pursued me like he has. The last guy that came onto me was a couple weeks after I met my bf in October. He seems to think I'm beating these men off with a stick. He can think that if he wants.

 

So maybe I've been closing myself off too much. I mean, I don't PUT myself in situations where I would be approached by men necessarily, or I don't go out bar hopping (neither does he much, he barely drinks). I go out with friends, but just a girlfriend or two, they all are married, engaged, or have a toddler with them, so it's not like we're out dressed up looking to meet men anymore. Been there, done that. Ugh. Sometimes I think why am I closing myself off to meeting men if he has no problem going out and socializing with women who may be interested in him?

I realize it can easily go both ways. I can think of men who are/would be interested in me if I went out and was hanging out with them.

In any case, he did his very best to reassure me and he didn't run away after I got ugly, so I guess that's where it stands. Next time I feel that way, I'm biting my tongue first and sitting on it before exploding.

 

He has been working crazy long hours (I am happy work is very busy for him lately) and we haven't been connecting every night lately. I texted him earlier and he was still working and he's been exhausted he says, hasn't been getting enough sleep, glad the money is good, just in time for our vacation, etc.

I really want to talk to him, but it doesn't look like he's gonna make it tonight. This is what I mean about my needs not being met. I want to at least just talk to him. I feel incredibly lonely. I just want to share my life and how I'm feeling. I don't want to feel alone anymore, if I'm in a relationship, I shouldn't feel lonely. He reminds me that, that I'm not alone, he's here, etc. I guess I need to hear his voice. And it hurts when I don't, and if I'm the one to reach out, and he doesn't respond until early the next morning. The time difference is also a bitch. 2 hours.

 

We do have a phone call every day, we text throughout the day, there have only been a handful of times that we haven't talked (a phone call) in 24 hours. Today is one of them. Very few. We will even take breaks together, like coffee breaks, or will check in once we get into bed, etc. to talk. Today just some texting.

 

 

It's not his fault, this isn't intentional, I'm just not getting the time and attention that I want. I realize this is why LDRs suck. I signed up for this, now that I'm in it, it really is getting hard on me.

I think that the long separation of two months is wearing me down.

I try to focus on our vacation and visit in a few weeks, to make me feel better. I try not to take any of this personally. I try not to feel needy and rely on myself above all.

But I am human, I am a woman, which is hard in of itself, I have hormonal swings, I have physical and emotional needs, and sometimes he is able to meet those needs, sometimes not. Sometimes he has exceeded them, sometimes he falls short, like tonight. Most people wouldn't want to be in a long distance relationship. It isn't for the faint of heart. Sometimes I've wondered if I have the guts for this.

 

A few days after my jealous rage, he mentioned me moving in with him again. How he could build this and that so I could have my own closet, and then all these things we would be doing in the house, we could have our privacy, he wouldn't do Airbnb at all anymore, he wants to be with only me "in his castle"...he knows how I feel about it so I just said oh, that sounds great, etc. Later I mentioned something like 'give me a ring tonight if you have a chance' and his reply was "If I give you a ring then will you live with me?" He says he keeps mentioning it because he wants me to know that I have options. Then we could be together every day, I could save money, he could have my cooking and all I would have to worry about is groceries, everything else he can cover, and he would help me get a new car, etc. He's trying to wear me down. It's not gonna work.

The more he does it, the more convinced I am that I'm not going anywhere. I told him last month that I reconsidered moving there and getting my own place, I think it would be best for me to just stay put.

I plan to renew my lease here in October.

 

I know that he's thinking about all these things, and he realizes I won't jump so easily and I'm pretty damn hard headed. I think that very soon, very soon... this relationship will hit a breaking point.

Whether I run away from it and give up, or he moves towards it. Whether he makes concrete actions to move towards it. Talk doesn't count. I mean, it says a lot that he's the one bringing all this up again and again. But talk is talk. I realize that he's in love with me and deeply cares and loves me. But what is he going to do about it is the issue....

He wants me to move in with him so we can close the distance, and he can get all the benefits of me living with him with no strings attached. This has happened to me before, and I refuse to budge on it.

 

I've even been thinking about insisting that we go to a financial counseling before we live together/get married. I've even been thinking lately too that an engagement wouldn't be enough to get me out there. I need a wedding date timeframe too. I don't want to get out there and have no plans for an actual wedding date. Then I'd find myself a year or two later, waiting. Not willing to risk it. It's going to take the jaws of life to get me out of CA.

 

So- a lot going on emotionally. There have been some big bumps lately. But we talk through it, all we have is communication. We don't get to touch or have make up sex, or like tonight, I can't tell him about my day.

I get jealous sometimes, and lately have felt insecure.

But I am retreating into myself and working on trusting myself more so that I have more confidence to continue on with the choice I've made to be committed to this and honor my feelings and love towards him.

I don't want to lose him. I guess I get scared sometimes, and don't trust in myself enough.

[No_Go]

It's normal to have some fights in a long-term relationship (yours is getting there - 9 months, right?), although the 'touring in NOLA' with this woman was sleeping in his home sounds fishy. I won't be happy if my BF had women staying over, AirBnB is a business I understand, but usually the host is not 'touring' the guest around.

 

Good that he has a more steady job now though. He's making strides towards stability.

 

Honestly IMO you're reaching a dead end with your lack of desire to move there. IMO it will be insane to even consider getting engaged without knowing him in person (spend at least 2-3 months in the same city seeing each other regularly, at very minimum), especially that you have concerns about money management and now fidelity. You'd have clarity on these topics in just weeks if you have face-time, on a regular basis. Now you're pretty much guessing.

[venusishername]

I realize that most Airbnb hosts don't tour but he has with some of his guests, male and female. That is nothing new, so the fact there was a woman or man/ people in the house that he happened to go out on the town with is nothing new.

I don't like the Airbnb thing for that reason. I haven't shared that with him.

He told me he wouldn't want to do it anymore if I were to move in.

 

I know that may be your opinion that it would be crazy to move in together and be engaged under these circumstances. In my opinion it would be far worse, crazy and foolish to move across the country, give up my place and job, for a boyfriend who is offering no real commitment.

 

Like I said, I feel this relationship is coming to a breaking point for me. I realize that my decision to not move across the country without an engagement may stall the relationship from moving forward.

Edited June 8, 2016 by venusishername

[clia]

 

A few days after my jealous rage, he mentioned me moving in with him again. How he could build this and that so I could have my own closet, and then all these things we would be doing in the house, we could have our privacy, he wouldn't do Airbnb at all anymore, he wants to be with only me "in his castle"...he knows how I feel about it so I just said oh, that sounds great, etc. Later I mentioned something like 'give me a ring tonight if you have a chance' and his reply was "If I give you a ring then will you live with me?" He says he keeps mentioning it because he wants me to know that I have options. Then we could be together every day, I could save money, he could have my cooking and all I would have to worry about is groceries, everything else he can cover, and he would help me get a new car, etc. He's trying to wear me down. It's not gonna work.

The more he does it, the more convinced I am that I'm not going anywhere. I told him last month that I reconsidered moving there and getting my own place, I think it would be best for me to just stay put.

I plan to renew my lease here in October.

 

I know that he's thinking about all these things, and he realizes I won't jump so easily and I'm pretty damn hard headed. I think that very soon, very soon... this relationship will hit a breaking point.

Whether I run away from it and give up, or he moves towards it. Whether he makes concrete actions to move towards it. Talk doesn't count. I mean, it says a lot that he's the one bringing all this up again and again. But talk is talk. I realize that he's in love with me and deeply cares and loves me. But what is he going to do about it is the issue....

He wants me to move in with him so we can close the distance, and he can get all the benefits of me living with him with no strings attached. This has happened to me before, and I refuse to budge on it.

 

I've even been thinking about insisting that we go to a financial counseling before we live together/get married. I've even been thinking lately too that an engagement wouldn't be enough to get me out there. I need a wedding date timeframe too. I don't want to get out there and have no plans for an actual wedding date. Then I'd find myself a year or two later, waiting. Not willing to risk it. It's going to take the jaws of life to get me out of CA.

 

So- a lot going on emotionally. There have been some big bumps lately. But we talk through it, all we have is communication. We don't get to touch or have make up sex, or like tonight, I can't tell him about my day.

I get jealous sometimes, and lately have felt insecure.

But I am retreating into myself and working on trusting myself more so that I have more confidence to continue on with the choice I've made to be committed to this and honor my feelings and love towards him.

I don't want to lose him. I guess I get scared sometimes, and don't trust in myself enough.

 

So, realistically, how do you see this playing out? How and when will you be able to close the distance?

 

You are planning to renew your lease (for another year?) one year into your relationship.

 

You don't want to move there unless you are at least engaged, possibly even with a wedding date set.

 

But how do you get engaged and set a wedding date without living in the same city for some period of time?

 

Is it realistically even feasible for him to move to you? Would he?

 

I just would hate to see you waste a lot of time on something that may not end up going anywhere. Something has to give. Either you need to move there or he needs to move to you or the two of you need to meet somewhere in the middle. You are already struggling with the distance. How do you think it will be in another year?

[No_Go]

The AirBnB in that case is not too bad, maybe the touring helps him to attract more clients.

 

I understand your fears for moving in another state without commitment, but what are your options:

- terminate the relationship and potentially lose a good mate + all the time wasted so far

- engage to a person that you don't know well (daily habits, money management, lifestyle compatibility) and skip potential red flags

- continue dating long-distance indefinitely (wasting ton of time if he/you bails)

 

How about he moving to your city? Is it completely out of the realm of possibilities? Even if it is just for a couple of months, I think this will be immensely helpful to get to know each other and make an informed decision how to proceed.

 

 

I realize that most Airbnb hosts don't tour but he has with some of his guests, male and female. That is nothing new, so the fact there was a woman or man/ people in the house that he happened to go out on the town with is nothing new.

I don't like the Airbnb thing for that reason. I haven't shared that with him.

He told me he wouldn't want to do it anymore if I were to move in.

 

I know that may be your opinion that it would be crazy to move in together and be engaged under these circumstances. In my opinion it would be far worse, crazy and foolish to move across the country, give up my place and job, for a boyfriend who is offering no real commitment.

 

Like I said, I feel this relationship is coming to a breaking point for me. I realize that my decision to not move across the country without an engagement may stall the relationship from moving forward.

[venusishername]

So, realistically, how do you see this playing out? How and when will you be able to close the distance?

 

You are planning to renew your lease (for another year?) one year into your relationship.

 

You don't want to move there unless you are at least engaged, possibly even with a wedding date set.

 

But how do you get engaged and set a wedding date without living in the same city for some period of time?

 

Is it realistically even feasible for him to move to you? Would he?

 

I just would hate to see you waste a lot of time on something that may not end up going anywhere. Something has to give. Either you need to move there or he needs to move to you or the two of you need to meet somewhere in the middle. You are already struggling with the distance. How do you think it will be in another year?

 

I would ALSO REALLY HATE to be wasting my time on something that's not going anywhere. As you can see that's my biggest fear. That's why I won't move there without a real commitment.

 

I am certainly not planning on being in this same situation (the distance) next year. That is not my intention by any means whatsoever.

My original thought was that I would give this one year time to see where things were/headed. We are at month 7-8 as of today.

 

What I am trying to say is that my intention is to go ahead and plan on renewing my lease (that's already a couple months off, so there is time to change the plan) rather than planning to move there and live with him, or getting my own place there.

 

I do think it is MORE feasible for me to move to him because he has two children who are not leaving Louisiana. However, the couple months thing is a possibility for him to come here, more than for me. Because he has contract work, and I don't... when he's off contract, he could come here and pick up some other contract to test out CA. I just don't see him really wanting to move here permanently. He has roots there. As I have roots here. I really do think that when it comes down to it, I would be the one moving.

 

But how do you get engaged and set a wedding date without living in the same city for some period of time? You ask a great question, clia, one that I am wondering myself. I don't have the answer. Maybe living in the same city really isn't a precursor to taking the leap. This is not a conventional relationship, so I'm not sure there are any rules that we can play by here.

 

As for the Airbnb, yes, I know for a fact that he gives tours and offers to take his guests out time permitting so that he gets higher ratings and more clients. Unfortunately for me, that includes women sometimes.

Edited June 8, 2016 by venusishername

[No_Go]

However, the couple months thing is a possibility for him to come here, more than for me. Because he has contract work, and I don't... when he's off contract, he could come here and pick up some other contract to test out CA. I just don't see him really wanting to move here permanently

 

From everything said that's your best bet IMO. It almost sounds perfect to me - he moves for a short-term contract to CA (in the summer), you both have time to see each other and evaluate the stability / direction of the relationship, and in the end of the contract he returns to LA - with or without you, depending of what you decide..

 

Good luck

[introverted1]

Venus, why are you so dead-set against moving to NOLA and getting your own place? It almost sounds as though you want the relationship to crash and burn.... either because you both decide that another year of LDR won't cut it or because you force him into a proposal (and wedding date) when neither of you have a clue what day-to-day with each other looks like.

 

Why?