When it rains it pours

[scorpiogirl]

I still maintain that what Venus has with this man is rare.

 

I don't personally know many couples who both, mutually, fell absolutely head over heels for one another and had 10/10 chemistry with amazing compatability.

 

I know two couples who have what venus has and with a financially responsible emotionally healthy man.

 

There is actually an entire website and dating guru, Evan Marc Katz, who stresseds that the amazing chemistry and the 10/10 compatability rarely ever happens simultaneously.

 

I don't personally think the average woman should hold out for the full package. I have it all besides a financially very stable man. Despite some hurdles associated with it, we are very happy despite not " having it all" on paper ( in this case we lack two well paid secure incomes). But you don't see us wanting to call it quits until we are both " financially stable ".

 

 

That's YOUR relationship. Why would you want someone else to live with a man who seems to be really irresponsible with money?

Enough with this stupid chemistry argument. It's childish. Chemistry goes out the window when you can't pay your bills and you really have to live in a cardboard box.

[Leigh 87]

That's YOUR relationship. Why would you want someone else to live with a man who seems to be really irresponsible with money?

Enough with this stupid chemistry argument. It's childish. Chemistry goes out the window when you can't pay your bills and you really have to live in a cardboard box.

 

 

 

Oh. I did mention that being so poor that you were destitute and unable to put food on the table would be a deal breaker.

 

 

I too would loose the chemistry factor and intense feelings of love if my boyfriend could not afford food and was satisfied with always being broke and never changed.

 

 

My bf has still been financially independent for his entire adult life with no help from parents. He is not struggling to feed himself and afford nice birthday gifts for me even - we just don't go out much and have no rainy day savings. So no way would I date a man who cannot put food on the table but would give a guy a CHANCE to learn how to save more money because of course, lack of savings CAN made food and shelter become unavailable if he cannot pay the bills to an emergency that he has not saved for.

 

 

I cannot dismiss a guy immediately for not being good at saving if he is a hard worker, has been financially independent his entire adult life, treats me like gold and makes me laugh/happy. PROVIDING he makes real effort to learn to start saving more.

 

 

So no. I do not advocate sticking with a perpetually broke guy in the name of chemistry. My guy is not actually broke, he aspires to have a comfortable life and he is a very hard worker who has managed to support himself financially without any parental help for his entire adult life - so I am giving my own bf the benefit of the doubt and seeing whether he can learn to save me before calling it quits.

 

 

I like nice things and a man who can treat me - so I most certainly would not be okay in Venus's circumstances if I wanted both children AND a comfortable lifestyle - yet I would at least give him a CHANCE to shape up. What she has is rare - the connection. I can feel it from her writing.

 

 

All I am suggesting is that she at least gives him a chance to demonstrate that he can learn to save more money for rainy days before she commits to marriage and children with him. Or even continues for that matter.

[clia]

I don't personally think the average woman should hold out for the full package. I have it all besides a financially very stable man. Despite some hurdles associated with it, we are very happy despite not " having it all" on paper ( in this case we lack two well paid secure incomes). But you don't see us wanting to call it quits until we are both " financially stable ".

 

While you may have to settle for a man who isn't financially stable due to your own financial instability, Venus doesn't have to do that. I think most women consider financial instability to be a pretty big deal breaker, particularly when they are successful and responsible, like Venus. Financial incompatibility can lead to huge problems and resentment. Your position may be different since your parents are around to give you money and houses.

 

Venus, I agree with BluEyeL's comments above, unless you are already leaning toward ending things. I really think you are hitting the point where you need to be around him on a day to day basis, when he is living life normally. Would it be possible for you to take a sabbatical from your job to move out there for 1-3 months to try things out? Also, how do you feel about his daughter living with you?

[Leigh 87]

While you may have to settle for a man who isn't financially stable due to your own financial instability, Venus doesn't have to do that. I think most women consider financial instability to be a pretty big deal breaker, particularly when they are successful and responsible, like Venus. Financial incompatibility can lead to huge problems and resentment. Your position may be different since your parents are around to give you money and houses.

 

Venus, I agree with BluEyeL's comments above, unless you are already leaning toward ending things. I really think you are hitting the point where you need to be around him on a day to day basis, when he is living life normally. Would it be possible for you to take a sabbatical from your job to move out there for 1-3 months to try things out? Also, how do you feel about his daughter living with you?

 

 

I had the option of dating financially stable men though. I chose the man I felt the most strongly about emotionally spiritually and physically - not the men who were more financially stable yet who I felt lesser feelings towards. So far I have always had food on the table and nice gifts on special occasions (he supports me as I am not intellectually able to work full time during my med degree without failing) and despite my penchant for nice things, such as world travel and dresses, I actually happier with a guy who is more financially mediocre than I was whilst dating the financially well off men who offered me the trimmings of a lavish life of luxury.

 

 

Believe me it is rare, what Venus has. For over ten years I found a lot of men who were into me who were either; financially sound and great on paper but who I lacked the spark for, or; men who I had a spark with but it was either genuinely the wrong time or we were not compatible enough outside the spark.

 

 

Even when I was financially stable in late teens and early 20's, not even as a pretty and very young woman could I get it ALL in the one package/the one man despite the fact I was at the age and social standing where I had a lot of options (and all women have loads of options).

 

 

I can relate to venus because I had the option too of dating financially stable men yet I just gravitated more towards my current partner who is financially not poor or broke but without savings at his age.

 

 

Having DATED financially stable men, with nice personalities and who I DID find attractive and shared some chemistry with - I have met one man every ten or so years. Twice in my life - that I truly had the deep spiritual, emotional, physical AND intellectual connection with AND with the 10/10 fireworks.

 

 

I am telling you it is rare what Venus has and to not just throw it away because of ONE bad trait he has. At least give him a CHANCE to make improvements!

 

 

It is not, in my opinion, all that likely that she will find what she has AND great financial stability on top of it IN TIME for kids - she will no doubt find it again and get he full package - but perhaps but within the next few years.

 

 

I would rather be with someone I truly click with and have something special with - and who can make small changes and be more financially responsible - than have to take a shot at winning the relationship lotto; the 10/10 chemistry and 10/10 compatibility with a 6 figure income.

 

 

I am in no way advocating that she stays with him if he has major deal breakers and ends up having no money whatsoever the majority of the time as well as NEVER acquiring ANY savings whatsoever. He should of course show Venus that he is capable.

 

 

My own bf tried this out. He managed to save thousands in the span of 2 months - just by trying harder.

[introverted1]

Being able to come up with $200 in an emergency is pretty basic. Even my student kids with part-time jobs have $200 available on their credit cards. If this guy doesn't, it suggests he's got maxed-out card balances, which is another concern.

 

Also a concern is that he regularly parks places where he will be ticketed/towed/booted. In my town, you only get booted if you have a bunch of outstanding, unpaid tickets. A brief google search suggests it's the same in NOLA, so it's not just a one-off but a pattern of getting and then not paying tickets.

 

I think Venus is right to be concerned about these issues.

 

If you don't want to walk away then lay it out on the line. Say you're committed to making it work but only if he's equally committed. Get the cold hard numbers of all his debts, not just his credit card. Insist on financial counseling. Talk to a professional and set concrete, realistic savings goals. Be willing to sacrifice your fancy date nights and personal luxuries until you meet them. Show him you're in this for the long haul by sacrificing whatever you can to get him on good footing again. If he can't or won't do just as much if not more then you walk away.

 

This sounds like the best idea. He needs to acknowledge that he has a problem and agree to take steps to remedy it. Without that, this will just be a never-ending cycle (until/unless they break up).

[Popsicle]

I think you should cut loose of this and get with someone local.

[No_Go]

I don't know Leigh.... I understand that exception for great chemistry, being physical, emotional or intellectual (I had that once for 31 years, I know what you're talking about!), is sometimes possible especially if you're young and romantic.... But my life experiences though me otherwise.

 

My BF is making a tag bit close to six figures and so do I... And STILL we have tons of fights about money and are FAR from being stable. The mere fact we both don't own real estate yet and he's lagging behind with his retirement account make me wake up in cold sweat every so often.

 

So now imagine a 42 year old dude that can't pay $200. We're not talking thousands, just a money that will equate to one doctors visit out of plan, or (probably) a visit of a plumber to fix the clogged sink. I'd be freaking out in the place of OP. And add they're long distance ...

 

Romance quickly gets ugly when there are bills involved.

 

I had the option of dating financially stable men though. I chose the man I felt the most strongly about emotionally spiritually and physically - not the men who were more financially stable yet who I felt lesser feelings towards. So far I have always had food on the table and nice gifts on special occasions (he supports me as I am not intellectually able to work full time during my med degree without failing) and despite my penchant for nice things, such as world travel and dresses, I actually happier with a guy who is more financially mediocre than I was whilst dating the financially well off men who offered me the trimmings of a lavish life of luxury.

 

 

Believe me it is rare, what Venus has. For over ten years I found a lot of men who were into me who were either; financially sound and great on paper but who I lacked the spark for, or; men who I had a spark with but it was either genuinely the wrong time or we were not compatible enough outside the spark.

 

 

Even when I was financially stable in late teens and early 20's, not even as a pretty and very young woman could I get it ALL in the one package/the one man despite the fact I was at the age and social standing where I had a lot of options (and all women have loads of options).

 

 

I can relate to venus because I had the option too of dating financially stable men yet I just gravitated more towards my current partner who is financially not poor or broke but without savings at his age.

 

 

Having DATED financially stable men, with nice personalities and who I DID find attractive and shared some chemistry with - I have met one man every ten or so years. Twice in my life - that I truly had the deep spiritual, emotional, physical AND intellectual connection with AND with the 10/10 fireworks.

 

 

I am telling you it is rare what Venus has and to not just throw it away because of ONE bad trait he has. At least give him a CHANCE to make improvements!

 

 

It is not, in my opinion, all that likely that she will find what she has AND great financial stability on top of it IN TIME for kids - she will no doubt find it again and get he full package - but perhaps but within the next few years.

 

 

I would rather be with someone I truly click with and have something special with - and who can make small changes and be more financially responsible - than have to take a shot at winning the relationship lotto; the 10/10 chemistry and 10/10 compatibility with a 6 figure income.

 

 

I am in no way advocating that she stays with him if he has major deal breakers and ends up having no money whatsoever the majority of the time as well as NEVER acquiring ANY savings whatsoever. He should of course show Venus that he is capable.

 

 

My own bf tried this out. He managed to save thousands in the span of 2 months - just by trying harder.

[introverted1]

So now imagine a 42 year old dude that can't pay $200. We're not talking thousands, just a money that will equate to one doctors visit out of plan, or (probably) a visit of a plumber to fix the clogged sink. I'd be freaking out in the place of OP. And add they're long distance ...

 

Romance quickly gets ugly when there are bills involved.

 

Yea, and there's nothing like worrying about how to get to work when the car's in impound and there's no money to get it out to kill your sex buzz.

 

Compatibility is needed on multiple fronts, not just sexual. Sure, if you're just casually dating, perhaps sexual compatibility takes front seat. But if you are looking for someone to build/spend your life with, you need other things in addition to sexual compatibility... Compatible attitudes about finance and spending is huge.

[venusishername]

I think you should cut loose of this and get with someone local.

 

Never had much luck with that, Popsicle.

[venusishername]

I appreciate all of your comments. Thank you, BlueEye and Lissvarna for your voices of reason. I think you are right about not being able to judge this from a distance. I think that is adding to my frustration. I can't sublease my place. I can't take a sabbatical from my job. I would have to start over if I left here.

I would not be willing to move across the country and give up my good stable job and nice condo on the beach as it stands now. I need more information. Besides, I am locked in for 6 more months on a lease. No subleasing allowed. If I were to leave here, I'm leaving this job and my place behind.

 

 

This morning, I straight up asked him (via text): "what's up with the parking tickets and the boot?"

He promptly responded that he paid it and took care of the issue. He said he had 2 unpaid tickets, that's why the boot, and he took care of it. Well, ok. What can I say about that? It happens. We all get parking citations. Most of us pay them. Some of us don't, then we get caught and have to pay more.

 

 

I think I (and we) don't have all the information to conclude that he can't afford $200 in an emergency. It sounds like he got it figured out, and it worked out. I do not know that he doesn't have a couple hundred spare dollars to get his car out of tow. If that happened to me, I would be in a crunch too. It's a pain in the ass to spend $200 on something like that, to anyone. Some people make enough money to not bother them too much. It would affect me, personally, as it affected him.

 

 

I just don't have all the info. All I see for certain and the hard facts is that he has repeated parking citations and he didn't pay them, then gets a boot on his car.

 

 

Chemistry is great and all, but as an educated and responsible woman with a decent career, I need my boyfriend, husband, and father of my child to be consistent and responsible as well.

I don't care if my man is blue collar, if he had steady income and paid his taxes and bills on time, I would be content and feel secure.

My bf told me last night that he turned down one of his side job offers because the pay was way too low. When he quoted the number, I was surprised to hear the amount. It was more than I thought, and about what I make per hour. So maybe I don't have all the details and really can't jump to any conclusions about his financial situation.

 

 

Chemistry and romance is great. But that doesn't pay the bills either.

 

 

I'm really torn you guys. I really don't know. I asked him what I did, and I have to believe what he said. But now what.?

[lilmissjava]

I have been buried in this thread for the past two days, reading nothing but this. I had always wondered what it was about, and now that I know..

 

The advice given here is plenty, on all subjects ranging from dating, dealing with breakups, emotional trauma, ghosting, fading, sex, and more. Everyone has their own beliefs and values. What may work for some, may not work for others. There is no cookie cutter approach to dating and relationships, it all boils down to compatibility on many levels to even get to the relationship stage. After that, the real work begins. Sustaining that compatibility to make it or break it.

 

I read through the issues with A, Maverick and R, with communication from others thrown into the mix. Everyone was right though, if a man is interested, he will do everything he can to make sure you know he is interested. None of them didn't. People are more accessible these days as we live in a social media world that is unprecedented in our history of existence. We live in such an impersonal world now, it's sad really.

 

Venus, I read how the struggle was real when you were so intent in over-investing early in the dating process and deciding that having sex early on was the key to an enduring/long lasting relationship. While that's true for others, this obviously wasn't the case. It was exciting to know that you continued to work at finding that relationship and not giving up, but essentially putting all your eggs in one basket with guys that could just about tell you what you want to hear just to get sex. It does happen, and it will continue to happen because a hook-up culture is what society has evolved into these days.

 

The advice given here sometimes took weeks or months to get through to you, but I can appreciate that when you're in it, you can't be objective about the issues that you are concerned about, you can only bring awareness to it and let others help you distinguish what you can do to help you through it.

 

Your current relationship isn't the relationship of anyone else here, but yours. Several posters have guided you through the toughest aspects of your personal life and now you need advice or input on your current dilemma. I do not know enough about ADHD to make an informed opinion and I may be wrong when I say that these things can and do contribute to stressors in a relationship, along with your financial concerns. That's when the real work at a relationship starts.

 

I know you have only been "together" for a short while (6 months give or take). I believe that four personal visits is just not enough time to be able to place all your bets on a secure future with this man, as well as the thought that the rose coloured glasses are still on, and will be until you spend every day and night with him and you begin to see what you can and can't live with. Is it possible to take an extended vacation in his city to honestly see just how compatible you two are?

 

Each of those personal visits were the both of you on your best behaviour, in the lovey dovey stage, while others in a more conventional relationship will have already learned to deal with each others faults and quirks and misgivings and have made heads or tails of their relationship status. You still have yet to do that.

 

Your boyfriend isn't the perfect man, he just needs to be perfect for YOU, and it shouldn't be this hard but it is what it is and you have to work with what you are given.

 

Be open to anything and don't make decisions in haste simply because someone tells you something that you are longing for. Be open to the possibility of him not turning out to be who you thought he was because I am most certain that you will find this out once you spend a greater amount of time with him.

 

Anyway, I do wish you the best of luck with everything, and I am so glad you received the help you did here. I have received the same and we are all better people because of it.

 

Yourself included.

 

[introverted1]

I think java has some good insights.

 

I also wonder how much your own anxiety colors what you report to us here For instance, this latest parking/boot/tow issue surfaced when you said

 

Well- things have taken a bit of a turn. Gosh, this is hard.

 

<snip>

A couple months ago, he told me his car was towed and he had to ask the friend he was with to spot him some money at the towyard to get it out because he was short.

 

This is what led several of us to comment on his apparently financial straits, in which he doesn't have enough money on hand (or available on a credit card) to deal with a relatively inexpensive emergency. Yes, $200 (or whatever it costs to get a car out of a tow yard) is an annoyance and an inconvenience and I don't think anyone is saying that they'd just fork over $200 the way they would $20, but to have to borrow it is something else.

 

Anyway, you then said

 

 

I think I (and we) don't have all the information to conclude that he can't afford $200 in an emergency. It sounds like he got it figured out, and it worked out. I do not know that he doesn't have a couple hundred spare dollars to get his car out of tow. If that happened to me, I would be in a crunch too. It's a pain in the ass to spend $200 on something like that, to anyone. Some people make enough money to not bother them too much. It would affect me, personally, as it affected him.

 

This is just one example, but the sense I get is that you toggle from catastrophising problems to denying/minimising them, when reality is probably somewhere in the middle.

 

If you really love this guy and see a future with him, then this is a problem you and he both need to acknowledge and address. It's not insurmountable, but it will take effort. It's great that you have clear boundaries about what it would take for you to move to NOLA, but what about other boundaries, like your position on finances? This has been a recurring theme/concern for you and it's a valid one, imo. You've already accepted that you may not be in a financial position to stay home with your child. Ok. But before you give up your dreams of being with this guy, maybe it is worth having a real heart-to-heart about this issue. Not as an ultimatum, but as two people who love each other, working together to solve a problem. Because if you can't do that, what do you have?

[lana-banana]

I need more information.

 

I think I (and we) don't have all the information to conclude that he can't afford $200 in an emergency.

 

I just don't have all the info. All I see for certain and the hard facts is that he has repeated parking citations and he didn't pay them, then gets a boot on his car.

 

So maybe I don't have all the details and really can't jump to any conclusions about his financial situation.

 

But now what.?

 

Remember a few pages back when I was stressing the importance of having all the information before making any decisions? I think you need to sit down as soon as possible and talk it out. Print out your bank statements. Go through all your debts. I know it doesn't sound very romantic, but my boyfriend and I had The Finances Talk when we decided to get married and it was a good exercise in team problem solving. (We also had some cheese, charcuterie and wine to make it seem less like a slog. I highly recommend something similar.) If you really do want to be with this guy in the long term, then this is just one of many challenges you'll face together. You might as well start learning how to work as a unit on everyday problems.

 

Your alternative is to keep shrugging and saying "I just don't have enough information!" every time something like this happens. introverted1 is absolutely right that you swing wildly between seeing everything as a disaster or a triviality. This is a big deal, but it's not insurmountable if you're both committed to fixing your problems and making it work. You just gotta do the work.

Edited April 21, 2016 by lana-banana

[venusishername]

Remember a few pages back when I was stressing the importance of having all the information before making any decisions? I think you need to sit down as soon as possible and talk it out. Print out your bank statements. Go through all your debts. I know it doesn't sound very romantic, but my boyfriend and I had The Finances Talk when we decided to get married and it was a good exercise in team problem solving. (We also had some cheese, charcuterie and wine to make it seem less like a slog. I highly recommend something similar.) If you really do want to be with this guy in the long term, then this is just one of many challenges you'll face together. You might as well start learning how to work as a unit on everyday problems.

 

Your alternative is to keep shrugging and saying "I just don't have enough information!" every time something like this happens. introverted1 is absolutely right that you swing wildly between seeing everything as a disaster or a triviality. This is a big deal, but it's not insurmountable if you're both committed to fixing your problems and making it work. You just gotta do the work.

I totally agree with you. I think this is the 'hard stuff' that comes along with any relationship. I am committed to making it work, but I also need him to meet me halfway. I will do my best to approach this as a team effort as best we can being across the country from each other.

This is where I am starting to feel the strain/disconnect of the long distance. When the real stuff kicks in.

 

 

This is just one example, but the sense I get is that you toggle from catastrophising problems to denying/minimising them, when reality is probably somewhere in the middle.

 

If you really love this guy and see a future with him, then this is a problem you and he both need to acknowledge and address. It's not insurmountable, but it will take effort. It's great that you have clear boundaries about what it would take for you to move to NOLA, but what about other boundaries, like your position on finances? This has been a recurring theme/concern for you and it's a valid one, imo. You've already accepted that you may not be in a financial position to stay home with your child. Ok. But before you give up your dreams of being with this guy, maybe it is worth having a real heart-to-heart about this issue. Not as an ultimatum, but as two people who love each other, working together to solve a problem. Because if you can't do that, what do you have?

 

 

I could not agree with you more. I think the best thing I can do as of today to alleviate my concerns is to let him know (as I have) that it concerns me. We are not in a position to discuss finances in the detail that Lana suggested, because we're not moving in together any time soon. I am still on the fence about whether I WOULD want to move to New Orleans. As it stands now, I've begun to have some serious doubts about doing that.

I think a heart to heart is needed. I already know he's going to be busy this weekend, so maybe I'll catch him tonight and just let him know how I've been feeling.

 

 

Also- he mentioned last night about coming out here to see me in June. That seems like such a long time from now. I feel such a strain and distance since I left last week. I feel like I don't really understand his life on a day to day basis, and vice versa. I told him that, and he said that of course we know each other on a day to day basis, we share so much with each other.

 

 

I'm feeling so out of the loop

[lil_missy]

Hi Venus,

 

I was in a similar situation to you now, it's really hard and this is how I dealt with it.

 

My fiance has not been responsible with his money his whole life and the extent of it only became clear to me as we got to know eachother more and after he proposed to me and I said yes.

 

At first he told me he had about 40k saving, and told me he made 100k salary so I just believed everything he said. But some things didn't add up as he drove a pretty run down old car and doesn't own any significant assets or anything, doesn't have a credit card.

 

After he proposed to me my parents were very suspicious about his financial situation and demanded that I ask to his pay slips and bank accounts and everything. At first I didn't want to coz i trusted him and didn't want to offend him by asking, eventually I asked and the truth came out. His supposed 40k savings is apparently managed by his mom and she doesn't have the amount on hand and used it. So it's basically an I owe you from his mom that he may never get back. I was super upset as I planned for us to put in a deposit for a house together and he can't cough up his half. Now we can't buy a place for another 2 years at least.

 

His income it turns out is not as high as he told me, first it's including super not excluding super and also his company promised him a 100k salary which includes a raise which hasn't been given to him yet.

 

Obviously I felt lied to and very upset. But I know he did not deliberately lie to me as he is not financially savvy at all and spends all of his income every month.

 

It was a hard decision but since then I have decided to forgive him and move forward with our relationship. We have opened a joint account and now I manage all his expenses for him and he is happy that I'm helping his budget.

 

So my point is the same as Lana banana, you need ask his financial details and see proof documents not just hear it from his mouth.

 

I know you guys are not engaged and not living together. That makes the situation diff. But what alternative do u have? Do u really want to just hope for the best and hang in this relationship that may not go anywhere once he does propose say 1 year down the track then you realise his true financial situation is not acceptable to you?

[lana-banana]

I don't think you need to wait until you're discussing marriage to have that conversation. Given that you've already had at least one serious financial talk already, you are well within your rights to bring it up again. Say something like "Look, X, I'm concerned we aren't saving enough money like we planned. The next time you visit can we sit down and go over all our earnings and debts? I love you, and I want to help however I can."

 

It might sound kinda weird but this guy has been very understanding so far. If he's offended or evasive then you may have a real problem, but I don't think he will be. I think he'll be happy to sit down and talk things through with you.

 

We don't always have the luxury of waiting for the "right" moment for these things. I had to talk to my boyfriend three weeks after we started dating about a genital herpes scare. That horribly awkward but unexpectedly mature conversation helped us bond. And now, sometimes when I'm sulking and upset he'll remind me "it's not as bad as the time you thought you had herpes, right?"

[Rejected Rosebud]

 

I don't personally know many couples who both, mutually, fell absolutely head over heels for one another and had 10/10 chemistry with amazing compatability.

 

That's because I'm pretty sure you actually have NO idea about what "10/10 chemistry" and "amazing compatibility" actually are like in the context of a successful relationship between grown ups! And please please please don't tell me about your friend who gets showered with gifts and "spoilt" because of the EARTHSHATTERING CHEMISTRY. That is funny but I've heard about it way too much by now and it doesn't have anything to do with this poster's serious concerns.

[Rejected Rosebud]

 

I don't personally think the average woman should hold out for the full package. I have it all besides a financially very stable man. Despite some hurdles associated with it, we are very happy despite not " having it all" on paper ( in this case we lack two well paid secure incomes). But you don't see us wanting to call it quits until we are both " financially stable ".

Leigh with all due respect you AND your boyfriend are living for free in your parents' home, you expect your parents to buy you your own home, and you say over and over again on here that you don't have any financial responsibilities of your own. Any money either of you earn evidently goes to "spoiling" you.

 

Your situation is more like kids dating in school except you guys get to live together.

 

It's not analogous to the way people who are financially 100% responsible for themselves live. People who are trying to build a career and a financial life, save up to buy a home, save money, maybe support children and plan for their futures as well, NEED to find partners who are on the same page as they are with these things. This is actually a HUGE part of compatibility.

[Leigh 87]

Leigh with all due respect you AND your boyfriend are living for free in your parents' home, you expect your parents to buy you your own home, and you say over and over again on here that you don't have any financial responsibilities of your own. Any money either of you earn evidently goes to "spoiling" you.

 

Your situation is more like kids dating in school except you guys get to live together.

 

It's not analogous to the way people who are financially 100% responsible for themselves live. People who are trying to build a career and a financial life, save up to buy a home, save money, maybe support children and plan for their futures as well, NEED to find partners who are on the same page as they are with these things. This is actually a HUGE part of compatibility.

 

 

1) my bf has been financially independent since age 16. No help whatsoever. Family is poor in Ukraine.

 

2) he pays rent at my parents albeit less than he would pay for his own place; he cannot afford removalists, bond and 2 weeks rent WHILE he pays full rent. And my parents are nice people and offered him discount rent temporally.

 

3) I am currently in a normal, adult situation myself; studying full time and working part time.

Plenty of adults in my degree do not work full time in a " successful " career. Hence why they are at college mostly. To better themselves and become successful. And they all mostly have loving partners who don't mind their " financial situations".

 

Not being successful as it stands doesn't mean it's permanent.

 

Not all adults have their crap together and own real estate and are ready to support children by a certain age. And it doesn't make us less worthy of dating. I have personally had men just as hot and successful as my degree holder professional friends. Men who were actually into me not just for sex.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The OPS bf isn't worth throwing back simply because he lacks ONE.... ONE criteria.

[Leigh 87]

Leigh with all due respect you AND your boyfriend are living for free in your parents' home, you expect your parents to buy you your own home, and you say over and over again on here that you don't have any financial responsibilities of your own. Any money either of you earn evidently goes to "spoiling" you.

 

Your situation is more like kids dating in school except you guys get to live together.

 

It's not analogous to the way people who are financially 100% responsible for themselves live. People who are trying to build a career and a financial life, save up to buy a home, save money, maybe support children and plan for their futures as well, NEED to find partners who are on the same page as they are with these things. This is actually a HUGE part of compatibility.

 

Oh. And I had several financially well off men want a legit relationship with me despite the fact I will take another 2 years to be financially stable due to my medical based degree.

 

Not all people take issue with a partner having less money than them.

 

Being unsuccessful financiallydoesn't mean a person lacks aspiration and are never going to change.

 

I believe her bf loves her enough to make changes.

Edited April 22, 2016 by Leigh 87

[venusishername]

It's not analogous to the way people who are financially 100% responsible for themselves live. People who are trying to build a career and a financial life, save up to buy a home, save money, maybe support children and plan for their futures as well, NEED to find partners who are on the same page as they are with these things. This is actually a HUGE part of compatibility.

 

It really is. This is exactly what I'm talking about.

I'm not talking about getting spoiled or wined and dined. I'm talking about the day to day stuff like a regular paycheck and responsible spending habits. The amount of money is not important compared to the consistency and responsibility I require.

 

 

I don't want to be living on the edge financially. If I 'join forces' with someone as my partner, I need him to be solid as a rock in terms of dependability. Maybe I can't have the total package. I could settle for someone white collar, good income, but I may not be as attracted to him or treated as well. I don't know that, but being at my age, I can't be too picky anymore either.

There's a fine line. It is especially hard in this situation BECAUSE of the distance, because I feel such a strain in the day to day aspects of a relationship. I wonder if this is where LDRs start to come apart.

 

 

I didn't have a chance to have a heart to heart with him last night, and he's pretty busy this weekend working, etc. So I really can't talk about these 'serious' things like money and my concerns about xyz. There's too much distance, and not enough closeness to do that. He's making effort to contact me on a daily basis, and let me know that he loves me.

But this is the first time in our relationship that I really notice the effects of the separation.

 

 

I feel that it has come to a breaking point for me. Either move forward or not. Either commit to make it work, or not. Without having a heart to heart with him, I can't make any movement forward or back.

[Rejected Rosebud]

1) my bf has been financially independent since age 16. No help whatsoever. Family is poor in Ukraine.

 

2) he pays rent at my parents albeit less than he would pay for his own place; he cannot afford removalists, bond and 2 weeks rent WHILE he pays full rent. And my parents are nice people and offered him discount rent temporally.

 

3) I am currently in a normal, adult situation myself; studying full time and working part time.

Plenty of adults in my degree do not work full time in a " successful " career. Hence why they are at college mostly. To better themselves and become successful. And they all mostly have loving partners who don't mind their " financial situations".

 

 

None of this makes any difference in relationship to the OP's circumstances. Your situation and your feelings about the unimportance of being financially self sufficient, along with all the EARTHSHATTERING things, are fine for you and teenagers -but not for people who are forging their ways in the world without being supported by their parents.

 

Please don't go on and on about "plenty of adults" blah blah blah blah. Even if you're all in your 30's, you are functioning like adolescents. I'm not judging - I see it is working great for you and your boyfriend, but you really have zero ground to be advising people who are taking care of themselves financially and planning their futures.

 

It's not related to the OP's situation.

[introverted1]

 

3) I am currently in a normal, adult situation myself; studying full time and working part time.

 

Actually, many people would argue that being an adult means being self-supporting.

 

 

I believe her bf loves her enough to make changes.

 

STOP! This isn't some silly "love test" -- if he loves her enough he will [fill in the blank]. And honestly, it isn't healthy to change for someone else. Yes, sometimes other people can point out changes it would be beneficial to make, but people should make changes based on their own readiness/desire. Otherwise, they are not likely to last. Hopefully, Venus and her guy can work this out in a way where they both are happy with the outcome but, if they can't, it isn't necessarily a reflection of his love for her.

 

None of this makes any difference in relationship to the OP's circumstances. Your situation and your feelings about the unimportance of being financially self sufficient, along with all the EARTHSHATTERING things, are fine for you and teenagers -but not for people who are forging their ways in the world without being supported by their parents.

 

Please don't go on and on about "plenty of adults" blah blah blah blah. Even if you're all in your 30's, you are functioning like adolescents. I'm not judging - I see it is working great for you and your boyfriend, but you really have zero ground to be advising people who are taking care of themselves financially and planning their futures.

 

It's not related to the OP's situation.

 

Could not agree more. Adulthood is not measured in years but in maturity and responsibility, imo.

[Timshel]

It really is. This is exactly what I'm talking about.

I'm not talking about getting spoiled or wined and dined. I'm talking about the day to day stuff like a regular paycheck and responsible spending habits. The amount of money is not important compared to the consistency and responsibility I require.

 

 

I don't want to be living on the edge financially. If I 'join forces' with someone as my partner, I need him to be solid as a rock in terms of dependability. Maybe I can't have the total package. I could settle for someone white collar, good income, but I may not be as attracted to him or treated as well. I don't know that, but being at my age, I can't be too picky anymore either.

There's a fine line. It is especially hard in this situation BECAUSE of the distance, because I feel such a strain in the day to day aspects of a relationship. I wonder if this is where LDRs start to come apart.

 

I didn't have a chance to have a heart to heart with him last night, and he's pretty busy this weekend working, etc. So I really can't talk about these 'serious' things like money and my concerns about xyz. There's too much distance, and not enough closeness to do that. He's making effort to contact me on a daily basis, and let me know that he loves me.

But this is the first time in our relationship that I really notice the effects of the separation.

 

 

I feel that it has come to a breaking point for me. Either move forward or not. Either commit to make it work, or not. Without having a heart to heart with him, I can't make any movement forward or back.

 

Venus, reading your thread these thoughts come to mind....you have been enjoying falling into and being in love with a man who you also feel is in love with you. Now the reality of a long distance relationship is settling in and a realistic concern for logistics.

Will this relationship work while there is space between the mundane and essential day to day love and what currently exists with sporadic shared space and responsibilities?

 

For some, a long distance relationship does work and there is no arbiter of the quality/tenacity of such a relationship....equally, all LDR circumstances are unique.

 

Perhaps consider a more casual relationship for the time being....slowing down the momentum and enjoying the romance, travel and new passion.

 

You have mentioned your desire for marriage and children. If this is your priority in this relationship....one of you will need to move and be close to the other long enough and in a more traditional circumstance to establish consistency, shared values and prolonged compatibility.

 

I think the questions that you are asking now can only be answered either by time in a continued LDR or being engaged in a relationship that is not demarcated by geography.

Otherwise, this feels rushed and is stressing you out, it seems.

[venusishername]

Venus, reading your thread these thoughts come to mind....you have been enjoying falling into and being in love with a man who you also feel is in love with you. Now the reality of a long distance relationship is settling in and a realistic concern for logistics.

Will this relationship work while there is space between the mundane and essential day to day love and what currently exists with sporadic shared space and responsibilities?

 

For some, a long distance relationship does work and there is no arbiter of the quality/tenacity of such a relationship....equally, all LDR circumstances are unique.

 

Perhaps consider a more casual relationship for the time being....slowing down the momentum and enjoying the romance, travel and new passion.

 

You have mentioned your desire for marriage and children. If this is your priority in this relationship....one of you will need to move and be close to the other long enough and in a more traditional circumstance to establish consistency, shared values and prolonged compatibility.

 

I think the questions that you are asking now can only be answered either by time in a continued LDR or being engaged in a relationship that is not demarcated by geography.

Otherwise, this feels rushed and is stressing you out, it seems.

 

Thank you! That is exactly how I feel.

Yes, I am eager for marriage and starting a family. The fact that this is long distance is causing me a lot of stress and anxiety. It's hard for me to approach it casually because I want something serious. I know he does too. That's the thing that makes it hard.

You are right though. These questions can only be answered in time, no matter if there is geographical distance or not.

 

 

He mentioned this morning that he was planning on getting out to see me as soon as possible. Maybe a weekend elopement. ! I think he meant 'elope' as in vacation, not marriage.

 

 

I find that in the time following our visits, there is a brief period of feeling in limbo, when we have not solidified the next visit. It is during this time that I feel the most anxiety and am the most sensitive to things that come up, or am most critical, or vulnerable.

 

 

Sometimes I'm not sure how to approach being in a real relationship. It's been so long for me, and in the past I never had healthy long terms anyway, so I don't really have a good basis for knowing what to do.

 

 

I feel very alone, removed, and far away from achieving my goal of marriage and family. While I see all my friends having it, it seems out of my reach.