When it rains it pours

[Erdbeere]

I just want to jump in here again with another two cents.

 

I think delving into the idea of attachment theory would be useful to you. When I read up on it, it really helped illuminate why I was having a hard time getting into anything serious, relationship-wise. I was dating a lot, but I noticed that the guys I REALLY liked all fell into the category of "unavailable" in one form or another. One guy wasn't over his failed marriage (though he said he was), one admitted to being too lazy to pursue a relationship, one was depressed bohemian type who was WAY avoidant, one was on drugs, etc.

 

I came to realize that I, too, am a bit avoidant, a bit detached, a bit of an insecure attachment person, and that's why I was attracting these types of guys, and FELT attracted to them. They all, eerily, reminded me of my dad in one way or another. That's not a bad thing—according to the attachment theory books, about half the population have attachment issues, and as you get older (I'm 34), finding suitable partners who aren't also insecure attachers gets harder and harder, but I digress.

 

Being an insecure attacher doesn't mean you're incapable of having a relationship; being an anxious/avoidant person doesn't make it impossible, either. It does make it more difficult, but if you're aware of the issue, you'll more easily see your own self-sabotage-y patterns and actions.

 

My bf is younger (31), so that helps, but he's not the most secure attachment person, either. And why would he be? There's no way I'd jump from having a FWB situation with a drug user to a completely healthy relationship with a secure attacher overnight. It hasn't been so easy to connect with my bf, but we keep working on it, and four months in, I feel much more at ease around him, and confident in our relationship, but it took a while. I was LUCKY enough to find someone with perhaps a similar issue, and we could grow gradually closer together.

 

ALSO, I'm sure you know this, but I just want to remind you that even if you were in a relationship, it wouldn't necessarily translate to life happiness. I understand your feelings of loneliness, and "why am I the only one who's still single?," I've had those same frustrations and fears, but NO romantic relationship will ever cure you of your loneliness or secure your happiness. If anything, letting someone so closely into your life is an invitation to struggle and strife.

 

I'm not saying romance is bad—it's great—but it's fleeting, and once it fades you're left with having to learn how to mesh your life with someone else's, a lot of negotiating, a lot of sacrifice, a lot of compromise, a lot of misunderstandings, and a lot of mismatched expectations. I mean, I love spending time with my bf, but even last night, we were out with a friend of his, and one the drive back to my bf's place, I was so not in the mood to be out with them. I wanted to be in bed, or laying on the couch watching Netflix, or reading a good book. I miss my singlehood sometimes, and it's a struggle to learn how to balance the two.

 

I want to give you lots of kudos for sharing part of your story. We can all benefit from the effort you made. Thank you.

[Erdbeere]

I'm not trying to be argumentative, (and I know it won't change your opinion) but I really want this point to be understood (not just by you but in general, because I feel like it's super helpful to women).... I've known multiple instances of this, but I'll share about one guy friend in particular. He wants a relationship, truly (and has had a couple serious ones). He's good looking, tall, makes very decent money. He's had a lot of sexual partners. One of his major struggles is when he sleeps with women early on, EVEN those he's interested in, EVEN though he does want a relationship, his interest inadvertently starts to diminish. Not immediately... but he starts to feel a slow fade of feelings. He vents to me about this and has said he feels like he's lost a lot of good potential-relationships because attraction diminished for him after early sex. He's dating someone now and specifically making sure they're not alone together because he likes her and doesn't want this to happen. (Also, he's always a bit flirtatious with me and our friendship is still very much in tact likely because I declined his attempts at sex, haha).

 

He may be a more "extreme" case. And it's not a hard and fast rule... as you pointed out, relationships do come from early-on sex. But it's definitely something to keep in mind.

 

Don't we have to hope men with this outdated mentality are dying out slowly? Lots of younger men couldn't care less, which is refresing and progressive. Don't we have to put pressure on the regressive-minded men to modernise, or be shunned by women?

[Erdbeere]

I have had men who were really not into texting or calling.. As in, they told me and their long term friends told me " yeah, he isn't into texting or calling girls, he is into casual sort of dating"

 

The "non texter" I saw not long ago still called and texted me daily even though it was not really his "thing". Because he was interested and really liked me at the time.

 

Men who are excited about meeting you don't just go 24 hours without contacting you. Not in 2015.

 

Even the guy travelling the world, who I only met once, messaged me on facebook daily...

 

Men don't go a day or days without contacting you if they were excited about meeting you and they felt you were relationship minded.

 

^^^ world travel guy - I didn't sleep with him. We were at a hostel. It could have easily happened.

 

Looking back, he said " I am glad we didn't give in and sleep together"

 

I wouldn't personally continue talking to R UNLESS it was a clearly defined, no strings FWB type deal.

 

You will possibly catch feelings and then wonder why you wouldn't see the "signs" that he just wasn't that into you.

 

Not only do I disagree that sending text messages all-day, everyday is indicative of feelings, I think it's unhealthy. Unless people are living together, chatting every couple of days with voices is a decent amount of contact. People need time apart, and time to rest and think over things. This board is wrong on the relevance of text messages. They are incidental. Nothing meaningful and serious should ever be conveyed with text messages. We should all be suspicious of ourselves and others labouring over endless text messages, or the lack thereof.

[Eighty_nine]

Don't we have to hope men with this outdated mentality are dying out slowly? Lots of younger men couldn't care less, which is refresing and progressive. Don't we have to put pressure on the regressive-minded men to modernise, or be shunned by women?

 

It's not an outdated mentality. It's biological-- men prefer a bit of a chase and are more likely to be relationship minded when it takes some effort. It's also emotionally and physically safer for all involved wait a bit to sleep with a new partner. But let's not get into an argument that hijacks this thread.

[Erdbeere]

It's not an outdated mentality. It's biological-- men prefer a bit of a chase and are more likely to be relationship minded when it takes some effort. It's also emotionally and physically safer for all involved wait a bit to sleep with a new partner. But let's not get into an argument that hijacks this thread.

 

I don't ever encounter this attitude in men in their 20's and early 30's. I'm sure it's perpetuated in certain cultures, but can't ever remember even hearing a conversation on this topic amongst young people.

[Eighty_nine]

I don't ever encounter this attitude in men in their 20's and early 30's. I'm sure it's perpetuated in certain cultures, but can't ever remember even hearing a conversation on this topic amongst young people.

 

It's not something most men are consciously aware of. Like I said, it's a biologically driven kind of thing. You can say it's outdated, antifeminist, etc., but if you look back at human history it makes a ton of sense. Men are hunters and respond to a bit of a challenge. But I don't think women should withhold sex to get men to like them; I think all parties should wait until they know a bit about the other person before sleeping with them. Seems like common sense to me.

Edited February 8, 2016 by lissvarna

[Erdbeere]

It's not something most men are consciously aware of. Like I said, it's a biologically driven kind of thing. You can say it's outdated, antifeminist, etc., but if you look back at human history it makes a ton of sense. Men are hunters and respond to a bit of a challenge. But I don't think women should withhold sex to get men to like them; I think all parties should wait until they know a bit about the other person before sleeping with them. Seems like common sense to me.

 

Well, the point of evolution is to get rid of things that are surplus to requirement. There's no benefit for humanity at large in having men with this mentality. I suggest we shun the remaining ones en masse, and focus on the upcoming generations having a fairer cognitive function.

[venusishername]

Venus, I find, your " love conquers all belief " quite courageous.. I can tell you are starting to part with your old dreams of the nice house, ring, staying home with the children etc.. I'm glad you keep updating because the road you are taking is one that I rejected at your age ( I went for love + the so called privileged life) it may be premature but if you and he do move forward, have you thought about keeping your finances separate? Maybe if you are saving for your own retirement and future it may calm some of your fears about his money management. Also if you marry, make sure about the laws in that state, as I've heard in certain parts of the country, the father and the new wife are jointly responsible for child support of the child from the previous marriage. I'm not sure but this could mean, you paying for their college education etc.. Just FYI something to research.

 

Thank you! I think I am starting to part with the old ideas that I had or the type of guy I was 'supposed' to end up with. My mom reminded me that the best father and man I've ever known (my grandpa) was also not sophisticated or very educated, or had much money. But he had the core values that are important. I am seeing that with my guy.

I think it is premature to be thinking about what you mentioned.

No, I haven't thought about joint banking accounts yet. Also- his children are over 18 now, so there would be no issue of child support, and once again he did not have these kids with his ex wife. I'm not worried about the child support issue. I'm nowhere close to marrying him, so I haven't thought that far. Also, I do have my own career, insurance, 401k, etc. So I'm good for myself. Not thinking about combining these things any time in the foreseeable future.

 

Venus, you have shown more maturity and growth in the last few months than in the other fifty-plus pages of this thread combined. If that isn't proof this guy is good for you then I don't know what is.

 

Thank you, Lana. I totally agree with you. I feel quite a weight lifted. I used to be very insecure and now even though I have my fears, I am much more confident in my ability to trust in myself. That makes me much more capable of being in a real relationship. I used to be very easily influenced and affected by what other people wanted or thought about me. I think he is good for me too.

 

That, plus your not having a credit card at age 32, does make you pretty dependent upon someone else for any major life purchases. It's not a big deal so long as you're aware that's the situation you're in. Before you plan a future with someone you need to be realistic about what that future together might look like.

Ok... well the credit card thing is something I'm taking care of. And I have a near perfect credit score because I have been establishing good credit for the past decade. Honestly, I think I can handle this on my own. Combining incomes and credit is not in my mind yet. Also- the area where I live is one of the most expensive in the country. I know one or two married couples who own their property here... and half of them got the down payment from their family. It is extremely difficult to buy property in this area, actually in my entire state. It's not abnormal for people in my age group into their 40s here to rent. I don't compare myself to those in other parts of the country. If I were to move there, it would be MUCH more affordable and feasible. The cost of living is so high here it's really depressing, actually. But the income is so much better here. I've been losing sleep over the past week thinking about these things... and what it will be like with him, if I would consider moving, what would it take, what would it take for him to be here, where would we live? What about if I got pregnant.. I can't be here alone. I got 4 hours of sleep last night.

I texted him this morning asking to let me know when he was free to talk. He called soon after and I told him my concerns about things. He was very quick to reassure me and make me calm down. More about that later...

 

You can't have illusions that this guy will "take care" of you and make things right just because he has old-fashioned values. When values meet reality, reality wins every time. You have a steady job and regular source of income; he doesn't. You aren't broke; he is. So you're already thinking about marriage and children? Not only will you be a working mother, you may well be the breadwinner for the majority or entirety of your relationship, especially if he moves to your area. There's nothing wrong with any of that, but there's also nothing wrong with deciding that it isn't for you.

 

Not necessarily. I think you over-exaggerate a bit.. .. I'm not in the most secure financial situation myself. But I do have an education and a good career, so I'm never worried about finding work or having a job. I'm extremely hard working and ambitious and I am responsible but I sure don't have a great grasp on savings or that much of any nest egg so to speak. He seems to be extremely hard working which is number one to me, he does have a good income when he works contracts, but he's not a day in and day out 8-5 p.m. for all 12 months out of the year like I am.... and like someone else here said.. it seems to have worked out for him all this time, so who am I to judge or compare??

I'm not going to live in a mansion with a huge diamond if I stay with him, I do know that. I won't be a stay at home mom and housewife for the rest of my life. I won't be the breadwinner either, I wouldn't be ok with that at all. I just don't see that being the case. I know I can take care of myself, so I'm less likely to worry about his situation. I wouldn't tolerate laziness or not working, etc....

Here's the thing. I already know my life with him would not be plush, luxe, or well-off. There would be financial struggles, but I don't think it would be too much of a struggle to make me want out. Then again, I am 4 months in and I haven't seen him on a day to day basis either. I may learn I don't want to sign up for that lifestyle. I have to get to know him more, and that's what I'm doing.

 

Never mind that your situation is tailor-made for the sponge, available at your local CVS for about $20: the idea is appealing? Coping with your first pregnancy, unmarried and alone, while simultaneously juggling the stress of moving and finding new careers to start your lives together with a child neither of you can even remotely afford? What in the world are you smoking?

I did look at the sponge. Listen. I'm not saying I'm against birth control. We have discussed this at length since we met. We are taking PRECAUTIONS that are not fool-proof (aka pulling out and condoms). I do not like the idea of taking the pill when we are not having regular sex. However, we seem to be having regular sex now, whereas in November I had no idea if this relationship would ever make it.

Yes, the IDEA is very appealing to me and I think to most people, including him to think of having a child with someone you are in love with. I know that he wants more children with the right person. I want to have children also with the right person, and I don't have 10 more years to **** around not taking the opportunity to be with someone who wants the same things I do.

The thought of getting knocked up on one of our rendezvous and being here alone and pregnant is absolutely terrifying to me. I told him that this morning. He was so calm and reassuring, he really made me feel better. He said I don't need to worry any more about that. He will take care of it. If I want to take the pill, I can, if I don't want to, that's ok too. He will do his part, he said. We can prevent pregnancy in whatever way I feel comfortable with. I already know that he wouldn't ditch me and I would never be alone if I happened to get pregnant. I'm pretty confident that he would bend over backwards to be with me if that was the case.

 

Anyway.. I'm sticking with pulling out and condoms for the time being. I don't like the idea of taking the pill anymore. I took it for almost 10 years and although it does prevent pregnancy, I don't feel comfortable taking the hormones anymore because I feel it screws up your body and cycle. Last time I took it I bled for over a week. And as long as we are both understanding about how we feel about it, I think it's ok. But yes, the thought of me being out here alone and pregnant was keeping me up all night lately.

 

He's already talking about months from now and making plans together. I'm not worried about him walking away from me. Actually, I'm not worried about that at all. I am being smart and doing what I feel comfortable with; I think communicating about it is the best thing we are doing. We only have sex 3-5 days out of every 6 weeks now.. it can't be that risky if we're taking other precautions. Yes... pregnancy has been my greatest 'fear' in this. Not the being pregnant part,but being apart and being pregnant. Being a single mom. Doing it alone. I can't think of anything I fear more, actually.

I had an opportunity to have a child with my last boyfriend. He didn't want me to keep it. He didn't want to lose his freedom, and he didn't want to stay with me for the long term. He was a ****ing coward and I loathe him sometimes thinking about his attitude about it. I was 25. I am saddened by that loss, but I know that I made the right choice because I would be a single mother. I told myself then I would never let that happen to me again.

 

I think this relationship has great potential, but I don't want to be in a position a couple months in, living in different cities, with no idea when or if we can come together, and feeling lonely and vulnerable.

Edited February 9, 2016 by venusishername

[lana-banana]

Hey Venus,

 

Hope you're on your way if you aren't there already, and having a lovely time. He lives in New Orleans, yes? Or is that just where you met? To be honest I'm really jealous. We have discussed moving to New Orleans because we're completely in love with the food, music and arts scene there, but we can't quite get over the "under sea level" part. (I obviously don't mind getting flood insurance for my first house, I just don't want to have to use it so soon!) Please tell us everywhere you go to eat and drink! Go have a Sazerac at Sazerac! And get drinks at LOA!

 

You shouldn't worry about things like moving, careers, or pregnancies just yet. I only mentioned the pregnancy issue in my last post since you mentioned you like the idea and that you weren't using condoms. I'm glad to hear that you are. Trust me, if you feel weird comparing yourself to your friends now, you don't want to be pregnant and unmarried while your long-distance boyfriend tries to upend his life to be with you! Just let these things go one day at a time.

 

I think this guy has been very impressive in dealing with you thus far. I'm especially happy that he goes to such lengths to reassure you when you worry! My only real concerns are his finances, and I'm just a stranger on the Internet with incomplete information. It does seem like a major issue that he is maxing out credit cards just to spend a couple hundred bucks every few months. If you want to evaluate this guy for the long-term, you should get a better idea of what his financial picture is. How long does he go between jobs? What are his debts like? What about his credit score? All of these things will have a significant role in deciding where you would live, with whom, and when.

 

We have all shared so much about ourselves since this thread started. I know your man has some surprises in store for you, but what do you have planned for him? Since we're saving up for our engagement and luxury vacation in September, we're trying to keep things simple. He's cooking steak and making a dessert with my favorite cookies, I'm fixing the sides, and we're opening a bottle of this from my last trip to Napa. And we're watching a documentary about steak, because we're nerds. (Also flowers, new lingerie, etc., but I'm really excited for the documentary too!)

 

I hope this Valentine's Day brings you all the romance, excitement, and---most of all!---intimacy that you desire. You've earned it. No matter what happens with this guy, I hope you remind yourself that a respectful, loving partner is the absolute least you deserve.

[Eighty_nine]

Would love an update about your Vday, Venus!

[venusishername]

I made it back late last night. It was a great weekend. I have a lot to reflect on, and that is good.

 

He lives in New Orleans, yes? Or is that just where you met? To be honest I'm really jealous. We have discussed moving to New Orleans because we're completely in love with the food, music and arts scene there, but we can't quite get over the "under sea level" part. (I obviously don't mind getting flood insurance for my first house, I just don't want to have to use it so soon!) Please tell us everywhere you go to eat and drink! Go have a Sazerac at Sazerac! And get drinks at LOA!

Yes, he lives in NOLA. I real local, born and raised. You should hear his accent!!

I've never heard anything like it. It's one of my favorite things about him. We did a lot of the touristy type things and went to some great local spots. I was happy to do anything with him to explore the city. He tried to cram in as much as possible in the short time I was there. I had a few requests of where I wanted to go in particular, but it was the things we stumbled upon that turned out to be the best parts of the trip. New Orleans is my favorite city that I've been to in the States. Haven't been to New York yet, but I would guess New Orleans is right up there in terms of culture and liveliness. It's an amazing place. I especially love the people, and the food of course! I would also consider living there.

 

On that note... we did have a conversation about things like that. I found an opportune moment while we were stuck in traffic coming out of the French Quarter to tell him what has been on my mind. I had asked him just casually starting a conversation, 'so, where do you see your life a year from now?' (I was just curious).. and he said, "A year from now is Valentine's Day. So I would like to be spending it with you." I thought that was a really good answer, so I continued on. I told him that I had mentioned before what it is I'm looking for, in general, and I know that we are still getting to know each other and we are seeing more things come about as far as how we interact, etc. I simply reiterated that I'm looking for a serious future in my life right now. I just turned 32, I want to have kids and get married sometime in the near future and not waste time in a dead end relationship. I asked him if he was interested in getting married again and he said 'yes, for the right reasons to the right person.' I already know how he feels about having more kids. I said that I am not about rushing anything, but I would like to let him know that is something I am thinking about, and if for some reason we discover that this isn't going in that direction,then I just don't want to waste my time and I hope we can be honest about that with each other.

He said he could see those things with me (the marrying and having kids part), but he doesn't want to rush things, and we are still getting to know. I know that he also has had past disappointments from his relationships and especially divorce, so he's taking the time. And I totally agree with him that we need to do that. I really just wanted to tell him how I felt; maybe this was something I wanted to say before, and it had built up with him. I needed to be clear. Now he knows. He said, 'you give me something to think about.' (I took that to mean not that he's not sure, but it's something that he needs to reflect on, to take in). It was a good conversation and I'm happy with it. There was nothing that he said that indicated that he wasn't interested in the same things I am. He actually said very clearly that he wanted the same things I do, so I'm confident we are on the same page. I am also more confident in myself than ever; I trust that I will know if it's not going anywhere, or we differ down the line.. I won't hang around hoping it will get better. I won't make the same mistake again. I don't have time to waste anymore.

 

You shouldn't worry about things like moving, careers, or pregnancies just yet. I only mentioned the pregnancy issue in my last post since you mentioned you like the idea and that you weren't using condoms. I'm glad to hear that you are. Trust me, if you feel weird comparing yourself to your friends now, you don't want to be pregnant and unmarried while your long-distance boyfriend tries to upend his life to be with you! Just let these things go one day at a time.

I realize that now. I like the idea of having a baby with a man I love and being his wife. Just something I always did want; I just never found the right guy before. We discussed the pulling out method at length. That's what we did and we both understand that it isn't foolproof. I realize that there is a chance that I could become pregnant. We both know the risk associated with not using protection. He's a father so he knows how easy it is to happen! If that did happen to me, it wouldn't be the end of the world. I could handle it and I know he'd be by my side. But yes, all those things are one day at a time.

 

I think this guy has been very impressive in dealing with you thus far. I'm especially happy that he goes to such lengths to reassure you when you worry! My only real concerns are his finances, and I'm just a stranger on the Internet with incomplete information. It does seem like a major issue that he is maxing out credit cards just to spend a couple hundred bucks every few months. If you want to evaluate this guy for the long-term, you should get a better idea of what his financial picture is. How long does he go between jobs? What are his debts like? What about his credit score? All of these things will have a significant role in deciding where you would live, with whom, and when.

 

Yes, his financial irresponsibility is troubling and is a red flag for me. I see that when he has money, he spends it carelessly. He spent way too much on me and all the things we did all weekend. He said he was just trying to impress me. I thought that was so sweet, but I told him that I don't need him to spend lots of money that he can't afford on me. I also realize that just because someone is frivolous and living above their means sometimes that it has no reflection on their character at all. He's just not good with his money. He spends too much and saves too little. I know that he's not lazy, he's a very hard worker and very motivated... but he's careless with money. That translates to a lot of financial lows. The highs are great, but there's going to be a flip side. I don't know his credit score or debts. My guess is that he doesn't have much to offer me in terms of financial security.

 

On the other hand... he offers me 100% emotional security and respect. THAT is what I know he can offer me. THAT is what I know I'll never need to worry about with him. He'll stand behind me and behind his word. I know that what he does have to offer me is respect, love, and care. He would bend over backward to make sure I was happy. He treats me with adoration, and I know I can trust him. I need to work on trusting him more, because that was something that came up during this visit. I also need to open up more and learn how to be in a relationship again. A healthy one.

 

I need to choose my battles. This, among some other things that surfaced this weekend (nothing bad, just things that came up for the first time), is what I need to reflect upon. This relationship makes me dig deep into my own weaknesses and wounds too. It's been a very good thing, and I am very happy to have this experience. He's really opened my heart.

 

I hope this Valentine's Day brings you all the romance, excitement, and---most of all!---intimacy that you desire. You've earned it. No matter what happens with this guy, I hope you remind yourself that a respectful, loving partner is the absolute least you deserve.

 

Thank you. Hope you had a great Valentine's Day too.

There is so much romance, excitement, and intimacy, and it has always been growing. We were more intimate this time than the times before, emotionally. Therefore, the sex was above and beyond how great it was last time... I didn't think it could be any better but it was. It's the best. We have a very special chemistry between us and we do love each other. I'll have to write more later. I still need to process everything.

Edited February 17, 2016 by venusishername

[BluEyeL]

Glad it went well and I hope you pan to meet again not too long from now .

[Eighty_nine]

I had asked him just casually starting a conversation, 'so, where do you see your life a year from now?' (I was just curious).. and he said, "A year from now is Valentine's Day. So I would like to be spending it with you." I thought that was a really good answer, so I continued on.

 

I think that was a good way for you to ask and that he provided a good answer. It's not realistic to get into the details now, nor is it to skip getting to know one another solidly. But he's saying that he hopes it works out and that you continue on the path you're on.

 

Also, NOLA is the best city in the US. I've been to most of them (still have to check out Portland and Seattle) Nothing compares! It has culture that's comparable to Europe and places in the world that are frankly, more interesting than most US cities. I'm even tossing around Nola for the name of my baby (don't know if it's a girl yet but have a hunch it is, and I actually liked the name before I ever visited New Orleans or knew of its association, but it's just an extra reason to like it). I'm jealous that your boyfriend is from New Orleans, lol. Although mine is from the San Francisco area and that's a close US second for me

Edited February 17, 2016 by lissvarna

[venusishername]

I think that was a good way for you to ask and that he provided a good answer. It's not realistic to get into the details now, nor is it to skip getting to know one another solidly. But he's saying that he hopes it works out and that you continue on the path you're on.

 

Also, NOLA is the best city in the US. I've been to most of them (still have to check out Portland and Seattle) Nothing compares! It has culture that's comparable to Europe and places in the world that are frankly, more interesting than most US cities. I'm even tossing around Nola for the name of my baby (don't know if it's a girl yet but have a hunch it is, and I actually liked the name before I ever visited New Orleans or knew of its association, but it's just an extra reason to like it). I'm jealous that your boyfriend is from New Orleans, lol. Although mine is from the San Francisco area and that's a close US second for me

 

Yes, you're right about not worrying about the details just yet. Although it's hard for me not to want to think about those details. We are still getting to know, as this last visit provided us with another 'level' of that, we even had our first argument(!) - even those yellow flags I mentioned in the beginning are more apparent.... yet I feel even more in love with him now, and I know the feeling is mutual. Our feelings grew after this last time. Even the sex was better and I didn't think that was possible. And yes, I was happy with the way that conversation went, and I think we are for sure on the same page with what we want out of this. I can see a long term future with him. We have some 'bumps' that came up (I'll get into that).. but at the end of the day, we are closer than ever.

 

And yes, I agree, NOLA is far more exciting than any other city in the US I've been to! San Francisco is my second favorite too ! New Orleans is very European. I'm lucky that my boyfriend is from New Orleans too, he's got a lot of soul and I've experienced a lot of different things as far as the culture because of him. He's the real deal! And.. did I mention how much I love his accent?! Just letting my mind wander here... I would like to get married there...

I'm so happy for you, by the way... congratulations on your pregnancy!!

I think Nola is a really adorable name.

 

Just wanted to get some thoughts out. As of today, I'm feeling very secure in this. He's never let me down so far, so when I start getting worried or anxious, now I know I can talk to him and he makes me feel better. He's totally reassuring and positive, he seems to know exactly what to say to calm me down, which is saying a lot!! And I think I have the same effect on him; he's been all wound up and I've been pretty good at being a voice of reason and he's even taken my advice, often asks for my opinion. He has a daughter who is giving him trouble and I find myself counseling him with that. It makes me happy to do that because I see that he's trying really hard.

 

Speaking of trying really hard... he's also been trying really hard with me/this! After I got home the other day, he called to check in on me, told me that now he realizes even more that he doesn't want to lose me because I'm so special. That he wants to make me happy and will do whatever it takes!! And you know what, I have to believe him.

That has been my struggle. I need to work on trusting him more.

 

This trust issue came up on during our visit. I've been so cool and collected about never letting him see me sweat or insecure all this time. I think once we were together I let those feelings out. I never once asked him about other women or demanded to know 'who was in that picture', stuff like that. It came out this time. My insecurity came out, and he saw it, but his reaction is what made me secure. Now I know I don't need to worry. I think maybe I just needed to communicate about it. I told him, I don't know what you're doing over here, I'm across the country, I'd never know if you were seeing someone else, why is some other woman's picture in your phone, etc. Ugh. I had a weak moment. He said 'haven't I introduced you to my family, haven't I talked to you every single day, haven't I come to see you twice, haven't I SHOWN you that I'm in love with you,', etc., and then it was ok. He was reassuring and didn't think I was a freak show for losing my composure and showing a little jealousy. Instead he pulled me into his lap and said, 'don't be getting crazy on me now"

 

We had a chance to see how our personalities mesh, and CLASH sometimes. We are similar in our negative qualities as well as many of our positive qualities. I think we butted heads a couple times because we are both ridiculously impatient and have a lot of energy. He has hyperactive energy about 75% of the time, and it's a lot. I have a lot of energy too, but I'm not hyper. He can be like a cannonball sometimes, it's like trying to tame a tiger. He's unstoppable, I even saw him get mad. I think he has mild ADD of sorts. Anyway, he was trying to cram in all this stuff for us to do during the three short days I was there. He was kind of rushing me and just getting all worked up and I wanted to take a little time getting ready for the night, like doing my hair, for example. He was climbing the walls, said he had to go pick up his son across town, he didn't want to drive all the way back into the city, I said I'd be ready at 7, I need to be ready at 7. He was working me up so much, we were getting into it. I was saying, 'just wait for me, why are you in such a rush, etc.' At one point, I found myself naked, throwing a sock at him across the room. That was our first argument.

He left to go give his son a ride while I showered, he came back, sat down and waited for me for a couple minutes. He was still on edge when he got back and I could tell he was just preoccupied. Anyway I was calmly doing my hair and I told him I don't want to be around him when he's acting like that, that I'm sorry we got into it but there's no need to get all worked up about doing all these things at once. I don't want to be rushing all over the place, there's nothing to worry about, stop worrying about entertaining me and taking care of everybody else. Chill out.

We decided to make a plan about what we were doing and just work together. We had a rough couple hours, but at the end of it, we came out as a team. (I realize how important that is as a couple). We proceeded to have the best night ever.

We even went back to the place where we met!! The band was playing this sexy blues music and he and I both are pretty good dancers I must say, and we were close to magic out there. It was incredible. I'll never forget that night. Even the little spat made us only more passionate in the end.

We were out on the dance floor, he's so sexual and strong and I guess obviously we have this palpable sexual chemistry, dancing is how we met and it was really great to go back to it. I wish someone got that on video. It was pretty hot. Think Dirty Dancing

 

Speaking of dirty dancing... like I said I thought the sex couldn't be any better, but this time was above and beyond what it was before. I think we had sex like upward of 5 times every 24 hours that I was there. I think it averaged out to probably every couple waking hours. Damn! He's the best, and we both agreed that was the best ever. Holy smokes.

 

There were a few things he said to me that really got me in the gut.

I think it made me realize that he's the right guy for me. Let me explain:

Valentine's Day. Bless his heart, he tried so hard to impress me all weekend, (which he did) but as a man with a big heart but lacking in common sense, he failed to make reservations at the restaurant that he's been talking about for weeks. He didn't think reservations were necessary, but they were. I was really disappointed when we got there to have to leave, but he immediately came up with another plan (not as nice of a place), and I tried to slap on a smile and show how disappointed I was. I was really looking forward to that restaurant. Anyway, I began to chastise him for not making reservations, it is the busiest night of the year for restaurants, I was really looking forward to it. The other place he took me to wasn't quite the romantic dinner I was hoping. We started getting heated again, but what he said to me shook me to the core and I shut up for good.

He looked me dead in the eye and said, "THIS is what I'm offering you. Haven't I done everything you've asked for this weekend, I'm trying to impress you. I am offering you THIS. I am trying to show my love to you, and I want you to LET ME GIVE IT TO YOU. OH my god, I wish every man in my entire life had ever said that to me. He's the only one who had the balls to do it and put me in my place. I shut up and let him lead. He's good at it. I'm no doormat, and as he could see this time, I'm VERY hard-headed and also full of energy... he and I both have to 'tame' each other a little. It's about compromise. I also need to learn to trust his decisions more. That's something that came up that I regret not having more patience with. I attempted to apologize to him after the fact, but he wouldn't take it. He said the only thing I have to apologize for is stealing his heart.

 

Valentine's Day turned out to be a great night after the dinner we had impromptu. We went to the Monteleone Carousel bar and met another couple that we hopped around with for a little bit. Eventually he and I ended up on Bourbon Street and got a drink and an appetizer by ourselves.. then we went home. Our Valentine's Day wasn't the one on one romantic dinner for hours holding hands over candlelight. But we've had times like that and we'll have more.

 

Love with him is full of emotion and passion. It's what I wanted. He'll never bore me, which is hard to find. Most men I've met bore me to death. He keeps me on my toes, and he brings out a lot of passion in me too. Plus he knows how to disarm me, AND he can put me in my place. Phhft. I never found anyone like THAT before. I think that's what I've been missing.

 

Something else he did that showed me that he is right for me:

I ordered a sandwich to go at a coffee shop on the way to the airport. We were having coffee and my sandwich came out and the bread wasn't toasted and the eggs were cold. We didn't have a lot of time, and I was kind of annoyed by the service anyway, so I took a bite, put it down and said 'I can't eat this' and just drank my coffee. I said I'll just eat at the airport. He touched the cold sandwich, picked up my plate and walked up to the counter and asked kindly that they make me a new, hot sandwich. I said that wasn't necessary, but he did it anyway. When he came back with my hot sandwich, he said 'here you go, my princess' and I couldn't believe it. I don't think I've ever met someone as strong as he is. And kind too.

 

He is terrible with money. Very frivolous when he has it and spends it faster than he makes it. A life with him would be full of financial ups and downs. He can't offer me financial security. But I know exactly what he is offering me emotionally, and that's far more than anything I've ever experienced. I feel very safe with him. I CAN trust him, I just need to open up more and trust him more. I think I just need to be reminded sometimes that I can trust him (I told him that by the way).

I know he would ALWAYS have my back. I know I could always count on him. He fixes problems, and fast! He takes the lead but also listens to what I say and values my opinions and feelings greatly. I woke up in the middle of the night restless, I said I think I am still hungry, maybe I could just use a piece of toast, and he came back with toast and OJ without even a gripe. I had even said I would go do it, but he jumped out of bed and brought it to me. Geez. He loves me.

 

Now what? We're totally screwed

[SleeplessIn]

...(lot of great stuff snipped for saving space) .....

He is terrible with money. Very frivolous when he has it and spends it faster than he makes it. A life with him would be full of financial ups and downs. He can't offer me financial security. But I know exactly what he is offering me emotionally, and that's far more than anything I've ever experienced. I feel very safe with him. I CAN trust him, I just need to open up more and trust him more. I think I just need to be reminded sometimes that I can trust him (I told him that by the way).

 

I rarely post but have a thought for you here. If all continues to progress well and you two end up married, you will have the right to have an equal hand in addressing finances. You can set up a budget for the both of you. There are people who just are not good at that type of organization and he may be one of them and if you're good at it then that is a skill that you are bringing to the marriage.

 

Also, if and when the two of you reach the point of discussing money stuff (which could occur sooner in your relationship, doesn't have to wait until a marriage), and if he says he's not a good manager, you could ask what kinds of problems does he run up against and offer your insights as to what may help with that.

 

Sometimes simple things can make a noticeable difference in finances, such as always shopping with a grocery list to avoid impulse purchases ... alloting a set amount per month for "personal spending allowance" and don't go over that amount ... emptying one's pocket change into a "penny bank" at the end of every day. And so on.

[venusishername]

I rarely post but have a thought for you here. If all continues to progress well and you two end up married, you will have the right to have an equal hand in addressing finances. You can set up a budget for the both of you. There are people who just are not good at that type of organization and he may be one of them and if you're good at it then that is a skill that you are bringing to the marriage.

 

Also, if and when the two of you reach the point of discussing money stuff (which could occur sooner in your relationship, doesn't have to wait until a marriage), and if he says he's not a good manager, you could ask what kinds of problems does he run up against and offer your insights as to what may help with that.

 

Sometimes simple things can make a noticeable difference in finances, such as always shopping with a grocery list to avoid impulse purchases ... alloting a set amount per month for "personal spending allowance" and don't go over that amount ... emptying one's pocket change into a "penny bank" at the end of every day. And so on.

That is a good point. FOr the time being, his money situation isn't my business. However, I am evaluating his financial security because I am in fact looking for a husband. And if this continues... I want to be sure my partner is going to hold his own weight. I don't ever want to be in a situation again where my guy is asking me to borrow money, is lazy, is home while I'm out working, etc. I just had a bad experience in the past and I know money is the top reason couples fight, break up, divorce, etc. I just don't want it to be a lifelong struggle. He's never going to be rich. He can't offer me a big house or expensive things. But... I don't want a rich man who doesn't make me feel secure and safe. I'd rather be with a poor man who loves me. But.. I've said this before... I would like the CHOICE to stay home for a period of time when I have kids. I want to have a husband who can support us for that period of time. I'm not asking for the rest of my life. I'll never be a housewife. I just don't want to worry about where the income is coming from. I don't think that's too much to ask.

However, you are right about me having a hand in it if it gets to that level. So, for the time being... I'm more concerned about the money saved and spent on our visits across and around the country... as long as we are both working towards being together... I am happy with that for now.

 

 

On another note...

I have a lot of thoughts running through my head. We've talked every day since I left, and I've had my ups and downs. Sometimes I feel very secure, sometimes I feel like I want to cling to him, sometimes I get anxious.

 

 

I have no idea the details of when we will see each other again. I don't know if it's next month, the month after, there or here... but we are talking about it. He's talking about the rest of this year, the places we can go. I admire his passion and excitement about these trips, but realistically, it's not feasible. So- we talk about making money, saving money. He does know how to have a good time without spending money, that's for sure.

I haven't heard from him tonight and it's late... but I know he's with a friend visiting, out I'm sure. I was out last night and missed his call, we kept playing phone tag and I saw he returned my call super late. At least he always 'shows up'. There hasn't been a time yet that he hasn't come through and been there for me. Which is why I feel I can or should trust him. He has yet to disappoint me. He does what he says he's going to do. Phhft I have rarely met a man with the integrity he has. That's a lot to offer.

 

 

And speaking of what he's offering, that's my view going forward in this. It's not about me worrying about proving MYSELF to win him over or keep him, in my mind, it's all about 'what can/is he offering me?' Clearly, if you've followed this entire thread, you know that I didn't have that attitude with other men. I was seeking validation. I seek validation with him but I am above and beyond more confident and secure than I used to be. Also, he makes me feel confident and reaffirms my value. I was treated badly by some men I gave too much time to before. When I told him a story about an ex who left me at a concert once because we got in a fight, his reaction was 'WTF, what a sick jerk. I would NEVER do that to you. How dare he?!' THIS is what I wanted, I wanted someone ballsy enough to have my back without question. I wanted someone to protect me if I needed it, someone I could trust to not run away. He's offering me that. He's offering me the basic emotional pillars that I require. That is very important, and not something I'm willing to walk away from.

 

 

However, he's not offering me anything more than that right now. He's not proposing marriage. He's not asking me to move there, or making any moves to come here... for now it's all talk. But, as he's explained to me, these things take time. We do need to let it grow.

 

 

I have an internal time frame for this... I'm pretty certain if this continues that by October it will be make or break time. I'm not willing to wait around and do this long distance thing at that point. If no moves are being made and no light at the end of the tunnel by then, I just can't. I know that if men are kind of on the fence and need to get off, there's an easy solution to that. I don't intend to be manipulative, but I've already told him my 'rules'.. he can take it or leave it. I'm pretty sure he's not going to let me get away from him so easily.. He's already told me just recently too that he doesn't want to lose me, I'm too special to him. (!) I need to remember that every time I have doubts, or worries. This long distance gets to me. But he reminds me often that he's always 'with' me.

I think we have something very special, obviously.

 

 

I was beginning to wonder if I'd ever fall in love again. I got to a point where I just resigned myself to being alone. Then he barreled in, unexpected. I know this sounds corny, but I have kind of a fascination with Elizabeth Taylor and Richard Burton. I'm an old soul, for being in my early thirties... I was born in the wrong era. Anyway.. I've read a lot about their relationship and seen all their movies together. I always wanted a love like that. I wanted a man with his passion and excitement, and their connection. It made me sad to think I might have to settle for a boring guy who didn't give me butterflies (like some people on here suggested I do). I knew I couldn't settle. I knew it might be a wait, and a challenge... but I wasn't willing to sacrifice that passion. And I found it with him. Last weekend we could see the passion in both negative and positive... but at the end of the day we still want this. Like I said, we have something special.

[Leigh 87]

If you want to have the luxury of staying home with kids then sorry but he won't allow for that.

 

I am Aussie but here you need your partner on at LEAST 100k a year in order to get the luxury of staying home with baby.

 

Does he have the capacity to earn the equivalent of TWO full time incomes albeit two LOW full time incomes?

 

My boyfriend is on about 50k AUD year. He supports me whilst I study full time. He can BARELY AFFORD to support JUST US much less a baby! He is on a slightly less than average income. I am starting a weekend job soon to make it less tight.

 

Without kids, we have a comfortable lifestyles. He can afford to treat me to a dinner or a date oncea week. Or instead of a date he sometimes treats me to a bag or a dress. If we want to eat somewhere fancy he saves for a month just for the one fancy date.

 

Bring kids into the mix with a non high income earner and it would be very trying for a woman who likes the finer things in life. Heck, even if you did go back to work... even TWO average incomes would be very tight.......In fact, I know new parents on two incomes. Both average. They still cannot afford non essentials most weeks. Kids are more expensive than any non parent can prepare for according to them........

 

You need to seriously start saving for your future children if you want the rare luxury of being able to stay at home for even a year or two of your future hypothetical babies life.

 

I know how you feel sorta; my darling will never be rich either. And nor will I as a fledgling podiatrists until 5 to 10 years after graduating when I own my own practice........

 

But without kids we can, together, afford a comfortable life SANS kids. You have to factor in that without a high income, you will have to sacrifice ALL lf the finer things in life IF you opt to start a family. Even if you BOTH work. Unless you have a high income yourself. But if you can't even afford weekend trips to see him I'd venture to gueee you're on a fairly average income.

 

Just think about this long and hard. You described yourself as someone that has a penchant for the finer things in life. You may have to do some mental preparation if you eventually want a life and family with a guy who isn't a good income earner.

 

Money is a killer. But if you truly work despite the less than desirable income, as my bf and I seem to then at least be prepared and informed of what you're getting yourself into.

[Els]

1. That time apart will break the connection; one of us will meet someone else and find it easier or more to our liking to just get involved with someone in our own city, whom we can actually go on dates with and sleep with regularly, rather than waiting 4-6 weeks or more, having a long distance relationship. A LDR is only romantic in the beginning. After that, it takes a toll and you end up wanting more. At least I do.

 

It's normal for people in a genuine, long term LDR to feel like the distance is taking a toll on them - I wouldn't necessarily take this to mean that the R is doomed. As long as they are planning to close the distance. Which brings me to...

 

2. That he has no intention of ever making this a non-long distance relationship and just likes the idea of having a girl in *my state* that he can come visit when he decides to come here. (I don't know why I'm so cynical).

 

Have the two of you talked about this?

 

3. His financial security worries me. He is certainly not lazy *whew! that would be a dealbreaker for sure* but from what I've seen, he doesn't make much money to begin with, and he maxxed out a credit card when he was here for the trip

 

This would concern me. The issue isn't that he's not rich, the issue is that he can't seem to spend within his means. To me, someone who's earning $20k a year but not accruing any debt and spending sensibly, is totally fine. Whereas someone who's earning more than that but constantly accruing credit card debt is not. Do you feel that way too? If you do then this would be a pretty big red flag and worthy of reconsideration.

 

Sorry if I missed anything, and I do hope this works out for you!

[Els]

My boyfriend is on about 50k AUD year. He supports me whilst I study full time. He can BARELY AFFORD to support JUST US much less a baby

 

My SO and I have lived on a lot less than that just fine, and we were in a city with an average cost of living that is similar to yours. Even now when our total income exceeds $50k, we spend less than that. It really depends on the kind of lifestyle you need/want. Plenty of students make do on $12k a year per person. Yes, in the city.

[Leigh 87]

My SO and I have lived on a lot less than that just fine, and we were in a city with an average cost of living that is similar to yours. Even now when our total income exceeds $50k, we spend less than that. It really depends on the kind of lifestyle you need/want. Plenty of students make do on $12k a year per person. Yes, in the city.

 

When I graduate we will be on 120 K a year combined. That's not enough for a child and a comfortable lifestyle.

 

Venus has said that she likes the finer things in life and that she would also want to stay at home with baby. To add to the mix: she said she can't rely on him financially and he us frivolous and terrible at managing his money.

 

They have something special, no doubt about it. I also have something special with my boyfriend who is on a low ish income and isn't great at saving. And while you CAN get through financial hardships, I am just offering Venus some words of warning: money can be a labido killer. Be careful. Expect fights. Expert to emerge stronger or end it.

 

I mean. ..she wants kids. My bf and I went through terrigle arguments regarding money ( me being in college full time on a meagre 12 K a year and him supporting me on a 50K meagre anual wage). If we battled so hard due to tight finances and for the fact he can't afford date nights out often, I can only imagine how hard it could potentially be for venus if they eventually bought a child into the mix.

 

She is at an age where she needs to really think this through!

[lana-banana]

I think this could be the guy for you, really and truly. The more you talk about him the more I like him, and it seems like your passions are perfectly suited. I just want to say that because I'm not trying to come off as negative here. I am more convinced than ever that you've found an amazing guy. It's just that you should temper your expectations a little.

 

For one, I really think you should let go of the "choice to stay home" thing. He doesn't have a regular work schedule or even a regular work plan, and he has no savings to fall back on. What if you're a week away from delivering and his work dries up? I know he's not lazy (which is SO important) and he would do everything he can for you, but he simply may not have work sometimes. He can't guarantee that he'll have a steady job with a reliable income when your child comes. There will probably be periods when you're the breadwinner and times when he is; he might stay at home with your child for a while, then maybe you can. Lots of couples go back and forth that way. And it's not the worst thing in the world, not by a long shot.

 

Bless his heart, he tried so hard to impress me all weekend, (which he did) but as a man with a big heart but lacking in common sense, he failed to make reservations at the restaurant that he's been talking about for weeks. He didn't think reservations were necessary, but they were. I was really disappointed when we got there to have to leave, but he immediately came up with another plan (not as nice of a place), and I tried to slap on a smile and show how disappointed I was. I was really looking forward to that restaurant. Anyway, I began to chastise him for not making reservations, it is the busiest night of the year for restaurants, I was really looking forward to it. The other place he took me to wasn't quite the romantic dinner I was hoping. We started getting heated again, but what he said to me shook me to the core and I shut up for good.

He looked me dead in the eye and said, "THIS is what I'm offering you. Haven't I done everything you've asked for this weekend, I'm trying to impress you. I am offering you THIS. I am trying to show my love to you, and I want you to LET ME GIVE IT TO YOU. OH my god, I wish every man in my entire life had ever said that to me. He's the only one who had the balls to do it and put me in my place. I shut up and let him lead.

 

I would not have found this romantic or sexy at all. I need someone who plans ahead, whether it's Valentine's Day or paying bills. Furthermore, I would much rather stay at home than waste money we don't have. Such serious financial irresponsibility, combined with a total lack of planning, would have really killed the mood for me. I don't need the VIP table with the expensive wine (not that it hurts!), but I do need to know that we have enough money to pay the bills, cover for emergencies, and enjoy a nice out from time to time. But he's right. This, for better or worse, is what he's offering you.

[venusishername]

I think this could be the guy for you, really and truly. The more you talk about him the more I like him, and it seems like your passions are perfectly suited. I just want to say that because I'm not trying to come off as negative here. I am more convinced than ever that you've found an amazing guy. It's just that you should temper your expectations a little.

 

For one, I really think you should let go of the "choice to stay home" thing. He doesn't have a regular work schedule or even a regular work plan, and he has no savings to fall back on. What if you're a week away from delivering and his work dries up? I know he's not lazy (which is SO important) and he would do everything he can for you, but he simply may not have work sometimes. He can't guarantee that he'll have a steady job with a reliable income when your child comes. There will probably be periods when you're the breadwinner and times when he is; he might stay at home with your child for a while, then maybe you can. Lots of couples go back and forth that way. And it's not the worst thing in the world, not by a long shot.

I would not have found this romantic or sexy at all. I need someone who plans ahead, whether it's Valentine's Day or paying bills. Furthermore, I would much rather stay at home than waste money we don't have. Such serious financial irresponsibility, combined with a total lack of planning, would have really killed the mood for me. I don't need the VIP table with the expensive wine (not that it hurts!), but I do need to know that we have enough money to pay the bills, cover for emergencies, and enjoy a nice out from time to time. But he's right. This, for better or worse, is what he's offering you.

 

 

Wow, that's saying a lot that you would say that you think he's the right guy for me. I feel the same but I do worry about these things.

 

 

I agree with what you said about planning ahead. Big time. He does plan ahead and has a good idea about things but doesn't take other things into account I've noticed... like the fact that it's Valentine's Day and is crowded, or that he already spent the money, etc. I never said I found it romantic or sexy. ! Yeah, I don't like that, Lana.

 

 

He may be the 'right' guy for me, and he sure does offer me love, he's just very disorganized and not good with money, and doesn't make a lot of money.

 

 

Here's the thing. Someone else recently mentioned it about money organization not being a strong suit and when married, or in serious relationship, you can have a hand in management of that. I know my mom for example handled the money when she was married to my dad. He was also a big spender but he made good money when he spent it. In any case, in the beginning of their marriage, they had nothing. The entire time they were married she was in charge of money management because she's responsible and organized. He really isn't too good at that. So, I can see where there can be cooperation and room for improvement.

 

But- this financial irresponsibility IS a big red flag to me. When I met my last boyfriend... many years ago now... he exhibited similar frivolous spending that struck a chord with me. In the end, he turned out to be lazy, asking to borrow money, not working, etc. We did a lot of nice things when we could. But we always fought about money. If I stay with this guy... there may be ups and downs. He may be 'broke' sometimes, and that's forgiveable. He may have money to spend like he did on Valentine's Day. It seems as if it's never going to be stable though. He's never going to offer me what the white collar professional men could offer me; that's who I thought I'd end up with because that's what's around me on a daily basis.

 

 

I have a lot to think about.

[lana-banana]

Here's the thing. Someone else recently mentioned it about money organization not being a strong suit and when married, or in serious relationship, you can have a hand in management of that. I know my mom for example handled the money when she was married to my dad. He was also a big spender but he made good money when he spent it. In any case, in the beginning of their marriage, they had nothing. The entire time they were married she was in charge of money management because she's responsible and organized. He really isn't too good at that. So, I can see where there can be cooperation and room for improvement.

 

Hahaha, in my relationship I'm the keeper of the "everyday" purse. I handle groceries, cleaning supplies, and other things because otherwise my boyfriend gets carried away. We also have a policy where we tell each other about all our purchases, whether they're five or five hundred dollars. It keeps us accountable.

 

Your situation is somewhat different in that your guy is significantly older, has a family, doesn't have a stable paycheck, appears to have a low income and yet still spends irresponsibly. You don't know how much debt he has, how much of it is delinquent, what his credit score is, any of that. I get that the fine details may not be your business right now, but you should try to find out when you can. It's not good that you can already tell he has serious issues with money and he's making no attempt whatsoever to address them. Has he even paid off his credit card from the last visit?

 

You know he can offer you passionate dancing and hot sex, but what about stability and security? I don't think this guy would sponge off of you but I think there may be quite a few times throughout your relationship when you'll have to do the heavy lifting.

[Leigh 87]

I also think this could be the guy for you....

 

Like me though, the financial side of things need tweeking.

 

All I can say is this: true chemistry and passion cannot be manipulated or changed. It's there or its not.

 

True compatability on most fronts and mutual respect admiration and base level compatability and "clicking cannot be feigned.

 

Money? Being more responsible? Forging long term goals and planning and discussing ways to improve or come to terms with finances? Very dooable!!

 

I talked to my partner about my wants, needs and desires. Regarding money. There I said it. It's such a potentially dirty and distasteful topic and men get VERY turned off by women who have additional needs and expectations above what they naturally put forth. ......

 

My partner agreed that he also wanted a comfortable lifestyle, and a children lifestyle. As I do. Be explained that he has a great skillset and experience level and I have seen how easily he gets jobs ( when he was a full time casual, he finished a contract and was in a new job the following day. He is now full time permanent).

So we basically agreed with the type of lifestyle we wanted. He is going to get paid decently within 2 to 5 years. As will I. We are both on the same page regarding finances despite his currently low wage. We have the same desires for the future money wise.

 

Your boyfriend needs to manage money better. Anyone can do it. And you need to be wiling to save and even take a weekend job at a cocktail bar or something prior to baby.

 

True love trumps all else. Although no decent woman wants a hapless unmotivated dude with no aspirations for a bright life with a nice comfortable house in a decent neighbourhood without drive bys.

 

Sounds like he just needs to save more ( so no weekly date nights! But romance is still essential in non monetary ways!) And be willing to take an extra job or go without essentials in the lead up to baby. Be prepared to have to go back to work when baby is months old and know that half to 75% of your wage will go towards daycare. .....

 

Babies are super hard. Even if your hubby works a 100k or higher job and you're afforded the rare luxury of staying at home..... you will still be sleep deprived dealing with poo and vomit 24/7. And you won't have non essentials with joint 100k or less and a stay at home parent.

So you can imagine that in going for true love, which you definitely sound like you have, you also cannot " have it all" ( a decent earning partner that affords you stay at home mum privileges, for instance!).

 

Just be prepared to be separated from the baby months in, just so you can work full time which most of your full time wage will go to childcare. Any additional income left over after child care costsqill go to the babies expenses. .......

 

I tell all wannabe mums to please consider their partners finances. .... it IS very dooable but just know that, much like lack of chemistry and passion is a sacrifice some women male in order to get the wealthy boyfriend that afrords them babies and a comfortablestay at home mum lifestyle. ..... YOUR situation is ALSO about making a sacrifice! Going to work months after the babh will suck! And you will have nothing to show for it, it will ALL go to baby! You will no longer work for yourself: you will work solely to support the baby with only the very bare minimums for yourself!

 

I advocate going after a soul mate. I did and he's poor atm. But I am not having kids and his situation is likely. ..very likely to go up. Plus I'll have a graduate podiatrist salary! With no kids, a non well off partner isn't much of a sacrifice. Lol I mean even now he afrords Pandora charms for my Pandora bracelet for 30 bucks a pop every time we go to the shops!

 

Having kids with this man WILL try your patience and make you a tad resentful at times due to how hard it'll be due to his lack of resources. But I believe you could have what it takes to solider on. Many women make your decision and end up growing old with their less than wealthy partners.

 

Good luck and so happy that we both found true love and happiness.

[Leigh 87]

This may be hard to hear.

 

But my bf is low ish income and spends irresponsibly. All his 200 disposable income per week he spends taking me on a date or treating me to a dress or Pandora charm or getting his dog washed.

 

I have decided that I want savings for a rainy day and future travel. We have both seen a lot of the world and are travel enthusiasts.

 

That means that, if we want a more stable man, we are gunna have to just demand that they DO NOT spend money on us on a weekly basis! In my case, we live together, so I am going to soon have a discussion with my bf and tell him to limit spoiling me with date nights or ANYTHING at all, to once a month.

 

I am going to force him to only do date nights at home with cheap groceries. Because I want to know that we will have potential vet and doctor bills covered.

 

I love the finer things in life and I quite honestly LOVE being spoilt and pampered by a guy. It's the number 1 love language for me.... men who split bills and who aren't innately EXTREMELY generous, aren't for me.......

 

So in choosing love, embrace the sacrifices and try your hardest to not harbour any resentment. I did and it almost ruined us and this js without kids in the equation!

 

A man can still spoil you and treat you and make you feel like a princess on the cheap! If he spends irresponsibly then you need to voice your distaste!

 

Also...my bf puts me in line when I am unreasonable too. I think it's really important to not be a doormatto a woman due to strong chemistry and sexual attraction. Remember what is and isn't unreasonable when it comes to cash.

 

My friend's bf is on 100k and she's soon to be on 65 ishK. While my bf is a 50k guy and me a student. At first the fact they go wine tasting and out for romantic dates at fancy restaurant EVERY week and she also gets taken out for breakfast every single day by him. He spends 700 t0 1200 for her birthdays and xmas gifts and affords valentine's and anniversary very expensive dinners and gifts.

 

Where he can't afford tl even take me out each week. I learnt thatI could be just as happy as my friend and ber affluent life of luxury. It's about how mucha guy spoils youirrespective of money. And in commensurate to my guys income he def spoils me just as much as my friends banker boyfriend. ...

 

The differenceis that each week my bf treats me to a 30 dollar Pandora charm, pays full rent for us both and petrol and gets some groceries for us both which I chuck in some for. My friends bf spends hundreds a week on her because he has a higher income yet I no l longer feel resentful because my own bf literally does as much as he can for me! Eveey bit of extra cash he spends spoiling me. He is an angel. .......

 

With financial issues you have to accept that even if he does become more responsible, you will still likely feel envy towards your friends who got to stay at home with their kids while you were forced back into work leaving your 4 month old with strangers at day care that you had to work full time just to cover the cost of. .......

 

I think you may struggle if he has no aspirations to improve his financial situation. A low income and kids make for a pretty miserable life for girls like us who prefer date nights at nice restaurants and the nicer things in life. ....... you probably won't be able to even afford mascara and slme make up, if you're in two average to low incomes and have kids! Much less sexy date nights ( Who wants to go out if you can't afford make up!?).

 

Just be prepared for the sacrifices you're about to make going forward with this man. I got through it with my guy and remind myself of how special and lucky a deep soul connection is. I remind myself of how much be spoils me with what he has.