When it rains it pours

November 16, 2015

I agree with all of the above. However, this guy is at least 42, and most people that age (especially those on their second marriages) know themselves and what they're looking for. I don't think it's uncommon for them to fall quickly and settle into a new relationship or even a marriage in a matter of months. That part doesn't bother me. But this does:

He said 'how many other guys are you talking to like you talk to me?' 'who are these guy friends of yours? Are they 'friends' or just friends?

If you're in an exclusive relationship the answer is obviously zero, right? It's normal to perhaps feel uncomfortable with one of your SO's friends or exes, but not to distrust all their friends of the opposite sex. That sounds worryingly insecure on his part.

I think you mentioned that he has grown (or nearly grown) kids. Does he want more? If not, would you be okay with that? Really really okay with that? This is one you can't go back on, and if you change your mind after a few years, that won't be a good thing (I think you said you're 31.)

This is a very significant question. He may not want to raise any more children, and assuming he does, you will be looking at adoption, fostering, or sperm donors (it's pretty risky for men to go forward with kids after 40). However, if you're fine with it, that's all that matters. I am living proof that not every woman of reproductive age is obsessed with having children.

November 16, 2015

Echoing lissvarna. Lots of good stuff, but the "I love you"s make me cautious.

I know. It makes me cautious too. Even he and I have said 'this is kinda crazy' that we are saying that so soon, it seems fast. I know it's probably not REAL love. Its infatuation and feeling that rush of romance. I do know that its a feeling LIKE love and strong affection. Maybe 'love' is not the right word. Not being able to express how we feel in anything other than words makes it challenging. Soon enough. And I know that the feelings must develop in time. I know that love doesn't happen in 6 weeks. I think its our way of expressing our feelings for each other in the best way we know how.

As for "we're boyfriend/girlfriend, but we've never talked about whether we're exclusive", um, I think that exclusivity is part of the default definition? Unless you've both discussed that it's an open relationship, the whole "hey, I know we're in a relationship but are you seeing anyone else?" discussion seems a bit silly. At the same time, you shouldn't be left wondering.

Yeah, ok. You are right about it should be common knowledge. I realize this is my defenses coming out. I guess its been so ****ing long since I've been in an actual relationship that I am rusty. I don't want to ASSUME anything... particularly because this is a long distance relationship. I am very clear that he does not want me with anyone else, but maybe its my past that makes me think this way and have doubts. My ex and I were together for 2 years, then we had a separation for a couple months due to a long distance commitment. We talked for hours every day and we still loved each other. To my knowledge we were still 'together'. But I found out after we finally split up he slept with someone else during that separation.

So I can't help but assume that if my ex did that, and we were already in an actual established relationship, that someone new that I barely know and who I've never even slept with, would do the same, or not feel any 'ties' to me. Like no commitment yet. I guess its yet to be seen.

So- before we sleep together... I know I would feel better to know what the EXPECTATIONS are. Damn, I became jaded.

What's up with him chiding you about your guy friends and you wondering about what he's up to, but neither of you able to talk to one another honestly? Make a commitment to communicate. With a long distance relationship, if you can't communicate your thoughts and worries, you've got nothin' sustainable. Ask him so that you can put your mind at ease.

He says the same thing about the most important thing being communication. I'm not sure why he asked that one time about my guy friends. I think he has a healthy dose of jealousy and its not something that sends up a red flag for me. It hasn't come up since so I don't think its a legitimate concern anymore. I give him the benefit of the doubt that he feels insecure sometimes as I have. I don't hold it against him because its kinda unsettling to get involved with someone new not knowing if they might hurt you.

I do hope that his visit goes well. I see that you're shocked that he bought a ticket and are already reeling at this small evidence of commitment, and are fighting off the urge to bolt somehow. (Commitmentphobe Venus at work.) Stop it. Become okay with uncertainty, Venus. Give this a real chance by becoming okay with the fact that you don't know what will happen. You might hurt him, he might hurt you, or you might go on to be really happy together. I know that you can't get to the latter without taking risks, so take one.

Thank you for this. Sometimes I find (found) myself thinking- 'how could he possibly like me enough to do something like this?'. What I realize is that he is WILLING and INTERESTED in me and pursuing a serious and substantial relationship with me. And I feel the same. We are both receptive and willing to it and we want to explore where this will lead. That's where its at this moment in time.

Maintain femininity and let him be the man in the relationship. He's there to take action, you're there to be receptive to his action. Do not screw up this power dynamic on his first visit to you by trying to be in control. Be vulnerable and have some fun with him.

I will. He makes it easy for me to just be receptive and feminine. I don't feel the need to cling or be in control. So cool

Again, keep your wits about you while also knowing that when you get triggered by a guy who likes you, you get hyper-critical of him and sabotage yourself. You don't do that with guys who keep you uncertain, and guys who keep you uncertain aren't good prospects. Here's one who knows he wants you, so your job is not to find a reason that it won't work as a way to keep yourself safe. You have to just find your courage, go with the flow and avoid overthinking.

You are right. I've noticed that about myself too. I met someone a couple weeks ago who was really interested in me, or seemed interested.. and he was coming on strong and was very clear. I became overly critical and defensive and he more or less ran away. So- with New Orleans man, I find it easier to NOT be so critical... only because I don't want to sabotage it. Its very good for me to recognize that trigger though. I even talked to my girlfriend about this same topic.

I'd say that you're both really into one another, things seem promising, and some things to find out/talk about on this visit are:

Is the sexual connection good?
Are either of you going to freak out when you come down from the honeymoon period and discover you're (gasp!) dating an actual flawed human being?
Would the two of you be able to close the distance in a reasonable length of time?
Another thing to think about are your long term goals/values:

I think you mentioned that he has grown (or nearly grown) kids. Does he want more? If not, would you be okay with that? Really really okay with that? This is one you can't go back on, and if you change your mind after a few years, that won't be a good thing (I think you said you're 31.)

Also, does this mean that you'd have to move near him so he can stay near his kids? If so, would you be okay with that?

Well, I think all of these topics need exploration and discussion. I have NOT yet asked him if he wants more children. He did ask me if I want kids. His children are grown, but young adults.

Being very honest with myself, I would like to have children with the man I marry (not without marriage first). Marriage is much more important to me than having children. If I marry in the next 5 years, I would like to have children with my husband. If not, I would be more than happy to adopt children or have children 'in law'.

I agree with all of the above. However, this guy is at least 42, and most people that age (especially those on their second marriages) know themselves and what they're looking for. I don't think it's uncommon for them to fall quickly and settle into a new relationship or even a marriage in a matter of months. That part doesn't bother me. But this does:

If you're in an exclusive relationship the answer is obviously zero, right? It's normal to perhaps feel uncomfortable with one of your SO's friends or exes, but not to distrust all their friends of the opposite sex. That sounds worryingly insecure on his part.

This is a very significant question. He may not want to raise any more children, and assuming he does, you will be looking at adoption, fostering, or sperm donors (it's pretty risky for men to go forward with kids after 40). However, if you're fine with it, that's all that matters. I am living proof that not every woman of reproductive age is obsessed with having children.

I agree with what you say about his age being a factor in knowing exactly what he wants. At this point, and for me too.... time is of the essence. So it does not worry me that this seems to be accelerating faster than it would if I was with a man 10 years younger. He's been there, done that.

I also agree that it showed insecurity on his part when he asked me that question. But that was the only time so far. I don't see that he made it as a generalization. I feel its very normal in the beginning of a relationship to wonder about members of the opposite sex in your love interest's life.

9 MORE DAYS!!!! (If he doesn't come sooner !)

Edited November 16, 2015 by venusishername

November 16, 2015

I know that love doesn't happen in 6 weeks. I think its our way of expressing our feelings for each other in the best way we know how.

*record scratch*

*car squealing on brakes*

*glass shattering on floor*

You were together how long before he said "I love you"? Please don't say six weeks. Please, please, please don't say six weeks. Please.

November 16, 2015

*record scratch*
*car squealing on brakes*
*glass shattering on floor*

You were together how long before he said "I love you"? Please don't say six weeks. Please, please, please don't say six weeks. Please.

My friends bf and her fell really fast within two months. They said they loved each after about 6 weeks maybe a tad less.

They are still together years later.

Some people fall really fast for each other.....

November 17, 2015

*record scratch*
*car squealing on brakes*
*glass shattering on floor*

You were together how long before he said "I love you"? Please don't say six weeks. Please, please, please don't say six weeks. Please.

Actually, we met a little over 5 weeks ago. He also asked me to be his girlfriend the day after we met. I think he's just a passionate guy who really likes me a lot. Maybe a little naïve. Maybe old fashioned. You know, the kind that picks up the phone and makes an actual phone call, and comes to pick you up in his car and take you on a date, and who plucks flowers on a walk for you. It's romance. It may not be love, but its romance.

I'll tell you one thing, though. He may be moving fast, but he's been 100% consistent and has pursued me every single day since we met. I can't say that about any other guy I've dated. Like, ever. So- I give him a chance.

I know its not really "LOVE". I realize (and feel the same way myself) that we're just caught up in the romance and excitement of it. The word 'love' may be misgiven and not the 'correct' expression. I'm pretty sure I know what he means. I don't think that he's a stalker or a sociopath if that's what you're getting at.

My ex stalked, harassed, and was verbally abusive with me for 3 years after our breakup. He also vandalized my car twice during that time. When he gets out of jail someday I'll still wonder if he will bother me. He didn't say I love you until months after we met. I don't see any correlation, so this doesn't cause a red flag to go up.

Hell, even if he did turn out to be a crazy person like my ex, I could handle it. !

I'm gonna take the plunge, guys.

Edited November 17, 2015 by venusishername

November 17, 2015

There are a lot of ways to tell someone at the beginning of a relationship that you're infatuated: "I'm so smitten with you", "I'm crazy about you", "I'm really falling for you", "I adore you", "you're amazing", etc. My boyfriend and I said all these things and more, and we still tell each other those things sixteen months later. When he did finally say "I love you" at seven months it was still an incredible moment.

No one in this thread wants you to have a happy ending more than I do. Hell, I'm the captain of Team Venus. And obviously there's no correlation between how long someone chooses to say "I love you" and their mental suitability for a relationship. But saying that after five weeks, especially in a long-distance situation, seems extreme. It almost comes off like an attempt to force true intimacy. Please just keep your eyes open.

November 17, 2015

There are a lot of ways to tell someone at the beginning of a relationship that you're infatuated: "I'm so smitten with you", "I'm crazy about you", "I'm really falling for you", "I adore you", "you're amazing", etc. My boyfriend and I said all these things and more, and we still tell each other those things sixteen months later. When he did finally say "I love you" at seven months it was still an incredible moment.

No one in this thread wants you to have a happy ending more than I do. Hell, I'm the captain of Team Venus. And obviously there's no correlation between how long someone chooses to say "I love you" and their mental suitability for a relationship. But saying that after five weeks, especially in a long-distance situation, seems extreme. It almost comes off like an attempt to force true intimacy. Please just keep your eyes open.

An attempt to 'force true intimacy'?

How is this possible and what do you mean?

I admit I am having some doubts as to whether he is genuine. I can't help but shake the insecurity that he says and does this with all the girls.

Although he recounted in thorough detail the night we met and the following day we spent together. He didn't miss one detail about the short time we spent in New Orleans. It was lovely to hear his impressions and how he felt about me. It is clear that he respects me highly. I am grateful and it makes me trust him more. The romance is just overwhelming. The feelings are growing, mutually. I think the absence has made our hearts grow fonder- no doubt.

I want to just feel freely. I am keeping my eyes open and observing. I'm asking him questions, gauging his character daily. So far- I am not worried. I'm so in love and can't wait to see him next week. Having such a hard time concentrating.

November 17, 2015

are u a virgin?

You're joking, right? Clearly you haven't read the thread !

November 17, 2015

Good luck! Let's see what happens AFTER you sleep together.

November 18, 2015

An attempt to 'force true intimacy'?
How is this possible and what do you mean?

True love is something that happens between two people over a length of time, after you've learned to tolerate each other in hard times and shared at least one stonily silent car ride after a heated conversation. You can't rush the kind of bond. It takes time---maybe not years, but it does take time. When someone says it too soon, the other person may feel pressured to respond in kind, so you've effectively forced a sense of intimacy rather than let it develop naturally.

I'm not trying to rain on your parade, and I don't think you're doing it all wrong either. Just be careful. Just son's let anyone pressure you or talk you into anything.

November 18, 2015

I feel like I'm being such a negative nancy, Venus, but the "love" stuff at this point is worrying. A lot of men come out super strong & burn out. You just can't be in love without spending more in-person time together. Romantic stuff is overwhelmingly wonderful and what a great experience this has been for you. But the romance has to be followed up by long term commitment as well... to me, it's the combination of the two that equals love. There's lots of positive stuff going on here; just keep an open mind and enjoy spending time with him, then see where you feel it's leading after that.

Yep, you nailed it. I didn't want to be the first to say it! Instead of the Op's post reading like the first whisperings of a mature relationship, it reads like a trip to an amusement park. It's been said and proven that these connections that start out explosively rarely turn into anything serious; all these love proclamations are nothing more than "projection" on both their parts. It's not love until you have been with them day in and day out and the initial 6 month to year honeymoon period has worn off and you still even like each other! The fact that the OP is already planning to have sex when they see other on Thanksgiving without even stopping to consider why he isn't taking her to meet these relatives he has in her city is questionable. He is so in love yet doesn't want to have his love, meet these relatives?

November 18, 2015

I agree with all of the above. However, this guy is at least 42, and most people that age (especially those on their second marriages) know themselves and what they're looking for. I don't think it's uncommon for them to fall quickly and settle into a new relationship or even a marriage in a matter of months. That part doesn't bother me. But this does:

If you're in an exclusive relationship the answer is obviously zero, right? It's normal to perhaps feel uncomfortable with one of your SO's friends or exes, but not to distrust all their friends of the opposite sex. That sounds worryingly insecure on his part.

This is a very significant question. He may not want to raise any more children, and assuming he does, you will be looking at adoption, fostering, or sperm donors (it's pretty risky for men to go forward with kids after 40). However, if you're fine with it, that's all that matters. I am living proof that not every woman of reproductive age is obsessed with having children.

There's genetic testing and IVF, please don't state things about fertility and risks without citing specific medical journals. That's just fear mongering, no one can say for instance what unequivocally causes autism, it's speculative at this point. The reason we have had such an increase in Autism is because the Autism range has been widen to include many kids that wouldn't have been considered autistic years ago. One in 6 dads in the US are over 40 and that's first time dads, the average age of a first time dad is 32 in the US and most families have more than one. Of course I can understand your view point because you are child free by choice, but not everyone wants to be.

http://Http://www.cbs.nl/en-GB/menu/themas/bevolking/publicaties/artikelen/archief/2011/2011-3478-wm.htm

November 18, 2015

There's genetic testing and IVF, please don't state things about fertility and risks without citing specific medical journals. That's just fear mongering, no one can say for instance what unequivocally causes autism, it's speculative at this point. The reason we have had such an increase in Autism is because the Autism range has been widen to include many kids that wouldn't have been considered autistic years ago. One in 6 dads in the US are over 40 and that's first time dads, the average age of a first time dad is 32 in the US and most families have more than one. Of course I can understand your view point because you are child free by choice, but not everyone wants to be.

http://Http://www.cbs.nl/en-GB/menu/themas/bevolking/publicaties/artikelen/archief/2011/2011-3478-wm.htm

When did I say anything about autism? (Although I'll let the NYT contribute - http://mobile.nytimes.com/2012/08/23/health/fathers-age-is-linked-to-risk-of-autism-and-schizophrenia.html) You're right that the average age of parents in the US is increasing, and of course there are other options available, but someone in their 40s simply has different considerations than someone in their early 20s, especially when they've already raised two grown children. It's not a big deal, it's just one of those things you discuss early on to be sure everyone's on the same page. Venus is in the somewhat unenviable position of having said "I love you" without having determined their compatibility on that issue.

November 18, 2015

Good luck! Let's see what happens AFTER you sleep together.

Thanks, BlueEye! I'm so glad I didn't sleep with him when I was there. I didn't want to risk never seeing him again because I liked him so much. Maybe a lot of people don't understand that mindset but I've been disappointed so many times, I wasn't willing to take that risk.

On that note- he said that because I didn't let that happen, he could see that I wanted something substantial and was willing to hold out for that. And that's what he wanted too, even though we both wanted to. In the end, it has benefited me to wait. Now he's coming here. ! I didn't have to do anything but let him come to me.

I know that the best thing to do is wait and see what happens after we sleep together. I'm SURE that will make things progress in a different way.

November 18, 2015

Yep, you nailed it. I didn't want to be the first to say it! Instead of the Op's post reading like the first whisperings of a mature relationship, it reads like a trip to an amusement park. It's been said and proven that these connections that start out explosively rarely turn into anything serious; all these love proclamations are nothing more than "projection" on both their parts. It's not love until you have been with them day in and day out and the initial 6 month to year honeymoon period has worn off and you still even like each other! The fact that the OP is already planning to have sex when they see other on Thanksgiving without even stopping to consider why he isn't taking her to meet these relatives he has in her city is questionable. He is so in love yet doesn't want to have his love, meet these relatives?

I am meeting his relatives.

November 18, 2015

When did I say anything about autism? (Although I'll let the NYT contribute - http://mobile.nytimes.com/2012/08/23/health/fathers-age-is-linked-to-risk-of-autism-and-schizophrenia.html) You're right that the average age of parents in the US is increasing, and of course there are other options available, but someone in their 40s simply has different considerations than someone in their early 20s, especially when they've already raised two grown children. It's not a big deal, it's just one of those things you discuss early on to be sure everyone's on the same page. Venus is in the somewhat unenviable position of having said "I love you" without having determined their compatibility on that issue.

By the way- we have already discussed our compatibility on that issue.

I'm going to say again - 'love' has not been the right word and maybe we have misused it. We're IN LOVE.

I am really struggling with trying to find reasons to mistrust him as it is.

I know that is unhealthy and I'm not interested in nitpicking and sabotaging this budding relationship.

I'm confident that I'll KNOW if something isn't 'right', or whatever.

I'm going to give it a chance... Without reservation or criticism.

Edited November 18, 2015 by venusishername

November 23, 2015

Is today when he's coming into town, Venus?

November 24, 2015

Is today when he's coming into town, Venus?

I just logged on because I'm starting to get really nervous/excited!

No- he's coming in late Wednesday night, but to a different county to stay with family that night. I won't see him until Thanksgiving evening. I will be driving to close by where he is to be with my family on Thanksgiving and will arrange to meet each other once I am free. I'm getting an early start with family so I can get to him asap!

I'm really nervous. It's not picture perfect.. our first night won't be in the honeymoon suite of a nice hotel or anything, to be honest I don't know where exactly we'll be staying that night yet. I do know we won't be able to be alone for a couple hours though because I'm meeting him with his family. But- I know I'm in good hands with him wherever we go and he's made me feel very welcomed to join his family. We will have our alone time. We're planning a trip down the coast with picnics and exploring, so he can see my hometown this time. I can't wait to experience it with him.

I can't really expect anything at all out of this. I wish I could know what to expect when we spend time together. We only spent less than 24 hours in person together in New Orleans. BUT- the time we have spent talking on the phone and getting to know each other since then has been daily- I mean, daily, always consistent. So, I feel confident that we will still feel that 'connection' as we did then, even more now that we've gotten to know each other in the past 6 weeks.

He talks often about the future, our future plans to make vacations together, and my next trip to New Orleans. I'm kind of thinking maybe for Mardi Gras, which happens to be right before Valentine's Day too. I like to think about those things, but I hold myself back until I see how this trip goes.

I did ask him about whether or not he wants more kids for the first time about a week ago. He does, with the right person. He is clear about my feelings on it as well. He knows I'm looking for a relationship that will lead to marriage and I'd like to have kids, but kids only if I was married. I also told him I don't live with men I date. (I used to and I'm never, ever doing that again. Next time I live with a man, he's going to be my husband). So- I have been very straightforward and I feel good about that!

Idoltree asked about relocation. I'm open to it, but I think from the way he's been talking, he's interested in checking it out here. I'm not even 'there' yet.

Anyway.. three more days. I have a lot to prepare for. I'm so excited.

Edited November 24, 2015 by venusishername

November 24, 2015

Venus, I am very excited for you. I think I'm one of the toughest here urging women not to waste time on the wrong men, but in your case, I think all is good at this point and I hope this works out. I see a lot of good signs and I also think this weekend may be a make or break for your budding relationship.

Good luck, I'll keep my fingers crossed. Please update when you get the chance!

November 26, 2015

Venus, I am very excited for you. I think I'm one of the toughest here urging women not to waste time on the wrong men, but in your case, I think all is good at this point and I hope this works out. I see a lot of good signs and I also think this weekend may be a make or break for your budding relationship.

Good luck, I'll keep my fingers crossed. Please update when you get the chance!

Thank you! I really do hope so too. I'm getting a major case of cold feet. I've never been more nervous about seeing a guy as I am him. I've been on edge all day. He's on the plane as I type. He video messaged me while at the airport, said he would again when he got in and settled tonight.

I have zero doubt that he is interested, wants to be with me, we have the same goals and values, he makes me laugh like no other, the physical attraction is very strong and we have built a mental and emotional connection too over the past 6 freaking weeks through daily phone calls and texting. I know he thinks I'm very special, he's in love, he respects and thinks highly of me, he makes me feel positively motivated and inspired.

What I like about him is that he has always followed through on what he says, he's THERE for me, and he has never ever let up on his pursuit of me since the moment we met. I've never had to do any chasing, or ever had to wonder his intentions. He's given me no choice but to be pursued, and I really like it. That says it all to me right there. That is a very, very good start.

I know he is on a mission to get to me and that's the only reason he booked his ticket out here so soon. I don't think he could have waited any longer. I still can't believe this is happening. Maybe I'm putting too much pressure on it. I'm really trying not to expect anything beyond our time together. But he'll be here for 5 days!! There's a lot that will happen between us in that time.

My fear is that I'll see him and discover things I don't like, or won't tolerate, or he'll do something to rub me the wrong way. Good thing is that I'm not shy about voicing my opinion and I have no problem putting my foot down if need be. I guess sometimes I worry about men taking advantage of me. That's my fear coming out. I think that he never did and hasn't, so I can't project that onto him as though he would.

I am INCREDIBLY nervous about sleeping with him. I want to now, trust me, I wanted to very much in New Orleans. I feel like I'm a teenager about to lose my virginity or something He said its almost like we're about to go on our honeymoon, like we waited for our wedding night, that's how exciting it is. ! Both of us said we've never waited this long when dating someone.. well, for obvious reasons. There really is something to say about longing and romance, that's for sure. In our case, it ignited our brief initial attraction.

I never thought in a million years that I would go on vacation, free as a bird, to my new favorite city, and meet a local there who I'd fall in love with over the phone for 6 weeks and that he'd be coming here to be with me for Thanksgiving holiday. Still can't believe it.

I remember the night we were trying to say goodbye until 3 a.m. He was being respectful but we were all over each other caught up in passion, making out on every balcony landing. I felt so drained, in a good way, like somehow being with him took all of my energy. He made me feel dizzy and breathless, just completely open. I've never been kissed like that before. He was very clearly as into it as I was, and feeling as high as I was. I remember we were saying what I thought were sweet nothings... talking about seeing each other again. I told him that I wanted him to come to me. And now he is. Wow. He is a man who knows what he wants. There is NOTHING more attractive to me than that. I think we have a lot in common in that way.

He's wild and wacky, goofy and fun, the life of the party. Completely silly and bold. Just genuine. He's not educated or white collar, he's not well-off or sophisticated. I always thought I'd end up with a guy that was. When I think about it all I had to do was change my mindset and take the pressure off. I went out with the feeling of 'I'm going to embrace being single, instead of fighting it, and trying to find my next boyfriend on Tinder or Match.

November 27, 2015

Looking forward to an update!

November 30, 2015

The suspense is killing me!! I can't wait to hear how everything went!! :bunny:

December 1, 2015

Me too! Been following this latest chapter with great interest (and hope that it turns into something real like Venus wants). Come back and update us!

December 1, 2015

Sorry guys- the last thing I've wanted to do is log on. I just dropped him off at the airport an hour ago. I don't have time to post more until tonight, but I cried when we said goodbye if that gives any indication of how it went. More later. Sorry to hold you all in suspense!

December 1, 2015

Even my boyfriend wants to know how it went. Can't wait to hear, Venus! And happy Thanksgiving!

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