When it rains it pours

July 26, 2015

Actually, most relationship experts agree that MOST relationships don't begin with sparks or intense chemistry. Most experts state that a strong mutual spark initially followed by butterflies is rarely how most married couples start out.

I'm sure these people are happy.

However, my definition of settling that applies to me, personally, isn't settling by most other people standard.

Most people are happy to date someone who doesn't overwhelm them with a spark initially. A person who they don't exactly get all excited about hearing from again . And despite the less than intense chemistry and fireworks initially, they get to know each other..they don't exactly fall hard or become smitten, but the second is still great even though they bypassed the infatuation stage. Things are good. Great even, but they don't feel crazy in love or madly I love. There was no ripping each others clothes worthy chemistry. Just a nice person who they felt, screw it, with so many flakes and jerks I am going to give this decent seeming person a go DESPITE not feeling the butterflies. Sure, passion builds but it's never the same as those people who we feel the spark with and who feel fall MADLY for from the start.

To me, even having a second or third date with a man who I don't share amazing sparks with and look super forward to his texts, is settling. The warmer and fuzzier less intense chemistry without the butterflies just won't cut it. At least not for me.

What I want, very very few people find in a relationship. ........

I want the initial spark. I want my future man to think I'm gorgeous instantly rather than having to grow into finding me attractive...... I want to go away from the date feeling super excited about whether or not he'll text me. I want naturally intense chemistry from the outset that makes us want to rip each others clothes off... I want to grin like an idiot just from thinking of them. I want the infatuation. The super lusty beginning.

A " well I am nearly 30 so I better forget about the sparks and level of lust and intense emotions I felt for the men I truly yearned for. ...better date the guy who doesn't make me cringe and I could work my way towards great ( but never mind blowing) sex with".

That just won't do. Not for me.

Again, I think you're very misinformed about the kind of relationships you think other people have. I've never dated a guy whose texts I wasn't excited to receive and I don't know anyone who has.

I have a scenario that I'd like your opinion on. My first love. There was absolutely no attraction on my end the first time I met him (he was actually dating an acquaintance of mine). We hung out in a group and became friends, started messaging online and hung out occasionally. He and the acquaintance broke up. Over time we hung out more often, and got very close. There must've been some build up that I didn't notice, but all of the sudden it seemed, the sexual chemistry was incredibly intense. Passionate kissing in a hidden corner at parents houses became a thing we did. The emotional spark was unbelievable, constant chatting, laughing and connecting. We started dating and he wrote me love letters, poems, sent roses to my house regularly. We were madly in love. This relationship didn't work out probably because we were 17. But in your eyes this would've been a settling relationship? Because there wasn't an immediate spark?

July 26, 2015

The above, I think is a very important realization for you. Adjusting what you view as settling from qualities in a man to qualities in a relationship. If you know what you're looking for in a relationship, the rest should become easier. If you're not getting it, you move on. Much more efficient!

While there's nothing wrong with what you're attracted to, the fact that those qualities you find attractive have nothing to do with someone being a good relationship partner will make it more difficult to find that long term partner you're hoping for. But I agree, there's likely nothing you can do to change it. Some women are just lucky in that the qualities that get them excited are the same qualities that make a man a good long term mate.

As I mentioned above, this is because the qualities that attract you are not relationship type qualities. You're attractors happen to be superficial for the most part, and because of that you get really excited very early on in the dating process - sometimes before you've even gone out on one date! This actually seems to be a common theme with other women on LS who are attracted to similar qualities. They invest very early in the process.

Women who are attracted to relationship type qualities will tend to remain "neutral" at the beginning dating stages, until the man exhibits those relationship type qualities at which point they'll start to get more excited. The nice guy that didn't excite you, would likely be a guy that would excite another woman (over time), and that woman will have a much easier time finding a meaningful relationship.

But again - such is life. You're attracted to what you're attracted to.

I agree, Venus. There's nothing wrong with being attracted to a borderline cocky alpha male, but those generally aren't the types that make good long term partners. I'm naturally attracted to smart, kinda nerdy, silly types and I'm glad for that, as they tend to be the kind of guys who want long term commitment.

July 26, 2015

The above, I think is a very important realization for you. Adjusting what you view as settling from qualities in a man to qualities in a relationship. If you know what you're looking for in a relationship, the rest should become easier. If you're not getting it, you move on. Much more efficient!

Exactly. I think I have learned this lesson the hard way and I finally see the difference.

While there's nothing wrong with what you're attracted to, the fact that those qualities you find attractive have nothing to do with someone being a good relationship partner will make it more difficult to find that long term partner you're hoping for. But I agree, there's likely nothing you can do to change it. Some women are just lucky in that the qualities that get them excited are the same qualities that make a man a good long term mate.

Yes, that is right. I think the qualities that I HAVE found attractive OBVIOUSLY don't translate over into relationship material. Sometimes the two go hand in hand but very rarely. Maybe it was just a matter of time for me to make this connection, but now I do.

As I mentioned above, this is because the qualities that attract you are not relationship type qualities. You're attractors happen to be superficial for the most part, and because of that you get really excited very early on in the dating process - sometimes before you've even gone out on one date! This actually seems to be a common theme with other women on LS who are attracted to similar qualities. They invest very early in the process.

I absolutely have done this... before giving it time to see the 'follow through'. I get excited about a prospect if he has all the superficial qualities I am looking for, maybe it's because I HOPE that the other qualities will follow.

Women who are attracted to relationship type qualities will tend to remain "neutral" at the beginning dating stages, until the man exhibits those relationship type qualities at which point they'll start to get more excited.

Wow, this really hit home. I know, seems silly. But clearly all this time I may have WANTED a relationship, but I wasn't as attracted to 'relationship type qualities' as you say. The idea about feeling 'neutral' is foreign to me... but now, so much different. Unfortunately I had to go through so many disappointments with men I liked initially because I wasn't neutral and invested my hopes into it too soon.

Now, being cynical and withdrawn from dating, I approach it so much differently now, or at least I think I do. I don't want to go into it with distrust, or trust, just neutrality until time and actions show the true colors. I feel like I've removed all my feelings of attachment to this idea of a relationship. Maybe that's the step I was missing before.

I agree, Venus. There's nothing wrong with being attracted to a borderline cocky alpha male, but those generally aren't the types that make good long term partners. I'm naturally attracted to smart, kinda nerdy, silly types and I'm glad for that, as they tend to be the kind of guys who want long term commitment.

Yeah, I also find myself attracted to those guys too. There's no black and white when it comes to attraction. I just know it when I see it!

On another note, I actually heard from that guy I went out with last week who didn't respond to my text I sent the other day. He texted me yesterday in response (days later) and my initial reaction was to say "WTF" literally out loud. This has happened to me before where time goes by and I hear from someone I went out with. My thought is that he was out of commission for work and couldn't respond at the time. I have no clue. But he didn't need to contact me. I seriously figured that he wasn't interested anymore and therefore didn't respond to me asking how his week was going. But he did. And he gave a one line response and that was it. Seriously, WTF. I didn't respond because it didn't warrant a response. If he'd like to talk to me again he can do that. But I just as soon figure he's another one gone with the wind. We had met online and I have since deleted all my accounts so if he's on there looking for my profile and our messages he will see I'm not interested in that **** anymore. I'd like to hear more from him and it's only been a week since our first date, but he's not making any effort to secure another date with me, other than a few texts following our date, so I'm just giving up on it.

I went out for dinner and a couple drinks with friends last night. We went to a bar after dinner and I was approached by several guys throughout the night. I talked to them as though I was 100% neutral, I had no agenda. I wasn't out HOPING to meet someone, I didn't try at all. I was just 'present'. Someone actually asked for my number and I told him no, I'm not interested in dating right now. I feel this anger and cynicism towards dating, although I DO want a relationship. I just don't believe anyone anymore. I am so bloody fed up with men asking for my number and seeming interested and then no follow through. So I stopped caring!! I stopped looking!!! I stopped getting excited without proof that I could trust someone's intentions. And I feel completely free.

July 26, 2015

Again, I think you're very misinformed about the kind of relationships you think other people have. I've never dated a guy whose texts I wasn't excited to receive and I don't know anyone who has.

I have a scenario that I'd like your opinion on. My first love. There was absolutely no attraction on my end the first time I met him (he was actually dating an acquaintance of mine). We hung out in a group and became friends, started messaging online and hung out occasionally. He and the acquaintance broke up. Over time we hung out more often, and got very close. There must've been some build up that I didn't notice, but all of the sudden it seemed, the sexual chemistry was incredibly intense. Passionate kissing in a hidden corner at parents houses became a thing we did. The emotional spark was unbelievable, constant chatting, laughing and connecting. We started dating and he wrote me love letters, poems, sent roses to my house regularly. We were madly in love. This relationship didn't work out probably because we were 17. But in your eyes this would've been a settling relationship? Because there wasn't an immediate spark?

No it wasn't settling. He gave you butterflies and made your heart skip a beat.

I don't work that way though. I either feel intense chemistry at the start or it never grows for me.

I have dated and encountered many men and the attraction has never grown even when I gave men a chance, the men I wasn't initially attracted to that is.

absence of innate and natural intense chemistry from the get go has never manifested later down the track.

And also. .. I would never settle for a guy who didn't think I was gorgeous initially... why should a girl with a nice smile like myself settle for a guy who was meh about me to begin with ?

July 26, 2015

^Men don't date women they're not attracted to. They'll have sex with them but they don't date them. If a man wants a date or a second date (without immediately trying to get sex), he's attracted.

July 27, 2015

I'm with Leigh- it's either there in the beginning for me or never. It doesn't have to mean 'crazy' chemistry- just the 'connection', mentally and physically. You either have both, one, or neither.

When you have both, I think that's what you mean by 'attraction' and is most likely to lead to more dates with that person. You said if a man ( or woman for that matter) wants to date you without sex as factor, that is attraction.

So any idea, if that's the case- like with my last date... Since he didn't try for sex - well i mean, other than the kissing- and then talked about a specific date for next time; continued to contact me after...

If that's 'attraction' and let's say he did want to date me... Why no follow through?

I could see someone who was just interested in sex not following through if I didn't go there. That's happened before and that makes sense.

Feeling a mental and physical attraction to someone who does not follow through does not make sense. I'm still bummed about it. I wish I would've heard more from him.

August 6, 2015

I think I'm getting closer. I hope so!

After my last date, I hit a low point for a couple days, vowed to take myself off the market and started to think that I'd be alone forever, so stop fighting it and just embrace being single for the rest of my life.

I snapped out of that. I think there are a host of reasons as to why I keep getting disappointed, and it was most likely just a matter of time before I was able to see it, and in fact get so tired of it that I had no other choice than to shift the way I've been going about things. Maybe just a coming of age. When I was younger, I had the time to waste and not care about getting involved with the bad boys who treated me like ****.

Once I got out of those relationships, I had to take some time off in noncommittal and casual encounters... that's all I wanted and all I felt safe with. No one could hurt me that way.

In time, that noncommittal got old and I tired of it. I wanted something more but kept going for the unavailable ones because it triggered something within me that I hadn't grown out of yet.

I met a handful of 'good guys' along the way.... and most of the time I ended it with them because I wasn't ready for that kind of closeness. Plus, I didn't think I really deserved it and I admit, I mistrusted their genuineness. I admit, the thought crossed my mind before that if they knew me on a deeper level, they wouldn't like me anyway. So I'm didn't allow it to get to that point. But then looking back on it; all the people, men and women, who know me very well... they like me. Some love me. Some don't. But the ones who do, are my greatest allies and think very highly of me, despite all my ****-ups and skeletons in the closet.

Reflecting on it, I've had plenty of opportunities to have a relationship. I just didn't let it get to that point with the good guys who wanted to be with me. Meanwhile, the bad boys used me for their own selfish motives, or it just didn't connect with someone I went out with.

I am 31 years old, and ALL but one of my girlfriends and female family members are married, nearly married, and/or having one or two children. Now they're all buying homes and moving out of town.

I sure do feel left out. BUT- I remind myself I've had that opportunity myself, actually twice. I was almost married before. I've had the opportunity to have children with someone I loved at the time. I didn't do those things back in my twenties because I knew I was with the wrong men. I'd be 31 and divorced, not happily married with my kids and a nice house.

Now, I'm on my own and it sucks on Sundays, and the holidays, and you know, when you just want to come home to someone. Especially after working hard and just not wanting to be alone at the end of the day. I've had to rely on myself though. I do enjoy my independence. But, I've had to seek out my comfort in myself, sometimes I've leaned on alcohol, the attention of men that is fleeting and superficial, went through my casual sex period.

I've been through it all in my mind- WHY, WHY am I continually getting disappointed, growing more and more jaded and mistrusting....

I've come up with the following reasons, that are not all necessarily STILL true, but have been a common thread throughout the years recently:

1. There was a time that I led with sex. Thinking that's the best I can offer because I'm ****ed up at the core and at least I have that going for me and validation feels good and I'm lonely and human and have sexual needs. It's so easy. But then if that's all you're offering and all you see yourself as, so will others. Then I started seeing my casual guys end up looking for and/or finding a girlfriend. It made me realize that I want that too. So, I stopped doing that. Maybe it was just a phase, but it has passed.

Bad news is I haven't had sex in many months now and I definitely don't like that at all. I'm just not willing to get that intimate with someone again until I know I can trust that he's not going to disappear on me. I also don't want to be seen as easy either; I'm actually a good girl and want to be taken seriously. Some guys won't judge you or run away after early sex- I'm just not willing to take that risk anymore. I used to and it didn't work out well for me.

2. I am attracted to the 'bad boys' who are fantastic short term ego boosters and fulfill a hormonal and primal desire in me- that roller coaster of hormones and emotions. But my last long term relationship was the epitome of the agony and the ecstasy that comes along with a brooding bad boy. He actually turned out to be a criminal. So, the drama and insecurity and 'on edge' feeling I've been seeking isn't healthy for the long term.

Now, I'm more attracted to someone who possesses 'relationship'-type qualities, as Weezy said earlier. Took me about 10 years or so to get there, but I'm there now. While I may still find myself attracted to bad boy personality traits, the hard to reach, hard to read, unavailable and runaway types.... I'm just not going to date them. I can admire from afar and know I just don't want to go there.

3. Some people you just aren't going to click with, even if they are good guys, and you do have a more substantial connection. And that's unfortunate, but acceptable. I had that with A, the one I dated for awhile last year during the holidays. Great guy, just not the connection.

4. I was not ready or WISE enough to be CAPABLE of being in an adult relationship until I learned all these things the hard way, by experience. So no matter who gave me what advice, the only thing that it would really take was time for me to learn it myself and grow up.

5. There are plenty of nice men who are AVAILABLE and interested in something substantial and actually getting to know a woman, respecting her time and her as a person. Someone who is ok with and who wants to build on a friendship as opposed to anything physical.

I'm finally ready for that guy. FINALLY!!!

I realized that if I want a husband, (WHICH I DO! I always have).. I need to ONLY ONLY focus on the men who are ALREADY husband material. The good guys. There can be excitement and adventure in a 'nice guy'- I think that is what I have been so attracted to in the past. the rebel, the irreverent and cocky guy who is kind of... dangerous and hard to hold on to. Always leaving you on the edge of your seat. It's addicting because the highs are SO GOOD, but the lows are SO LOW.

Speaking from many years of experience, those burn the hottest and the fastest. And they have caused me an ocean of tears.

The most pure I have felt, the most innocent and beautiful, throughout my adult life... has been with the nice boys, now the men, who wanted to take me out to lunch or coffee. The ones who wanted to spend our time together walking on the beach and talking, not putting the moves on and expecting anything physical. The ones who didn't try for that and never pushed. The ones who never made me feel uncertain or insecure, wondering if I'd hear from him or when I'd see him again. The ones who never made me feel like I was the lucky one to be with them, it was the other way around.

I heard a song on the radio when I was feeling really disillusioned a couple weeks ago, and it brought me back to the way I used to feel with my first boyfriend in high school. It actually made me cry. It was 'our song'. And he made me feel pure and innocent and worthy, and special. We were friends for a long time before dating. He was my 'first'. We used to spend most of our time platonically, having coffee or just talking. Sex wasn't part of it until later. Even after it was, we still had a good relationship and actually remained friends after we broke up. He always would speak highly of me to others and I think had a place in his heart for me for a long time, as I did him.

Now that I'm not in high school anymore... I still want to have that kind of innocent connection with someone again. That's my goal now!

I think in the past four years I've been single- when I finally was interested in actually dating and having a relationship with someone (which was only really within the past year or so)... I approached dating as if it was maybe a little forced, or with a lot of expectations. I find that was more common with men I met online as opposed to in person, which have been equal in number. But I know in particular with me there have been a couple guys I've gone out with that I got overly excited about way too soon because I thought he fit this 'criteria' that I think I need or deserve or something... and that 'pressure' I put on it may have actually interfered with some things actually developing naturally. Note I did not say 'chase'. I didn't chase anyone. I think what I mean to say is that I've been approaching it with very little patience and a lot of expectations.

If I just go into it with a carefree and open attitude, but clear in my ACTIONS, not just words as to what I am looking for... I'll have far less angst in my romantic life and won't be so lonely. I can focus more on actually creating a connection with someone rather than trying to secure the man of my dreams (before it's too late and my eggs dry up and I get wrinkled and old and then no one will want to marry me!)

Sometimes, I think fatalistically.

I reactivated one of my dating profiles.. just one. I'm still hoping for that chance encounter at the coffee shop or the deli during lunch break, but either way, I'm open.

I put in my profile very explicitly what I'm looking for, just to avoid any of the past disappointments with the guys I've met on there, even just recently. I was unapologetic about it and clearly stated that I'm looking for someone who lives here, who is available and interested in possibly more than one date. (I started to feel like just companionship at dinner for traveling or otherwise unavailable men on some of these dates )

I wrote that I think it's important to be friends first. (This weeds out the guys who are trolling or hoping for sex on the first date... which so many I've met are).

What do you know, I still get a lot of matches and messages. There are men out there who want the same thing I do. I'm going to meet with one of them next week.

I've heard men say things before meeting that would indicate that they are looking for something more substantial... but then they're not really that available or they just said that to win me over...

I guess it does always go back to actions. So I'm not getting excited about anyone I meet anymore, or before I meet him. I've done that so many times, and I've been disappointed every time.

That's all for now. Feeling like I turned a new leaf and much more grounded.

August 6, 2015

Wow Venus. That's really an amazing post and really deep introspection. It must be really hard to deal with some of that stuff, but I'm so glad you did it.

Keep in mind, like anything, it won't be easy. You'll maybe slip up here and there (hopefully in your thoughts and not your actions), but don't get discouraged and stay on course. Keep walking the walk, so to speak.

Best of luck!

PS: There will be men that will still fall in love with you even when you're old and wrinkled! Because you're you!

August 9, 2015

I wanted to bump this and also reply here for the first time, because I found this thread a few weeks ago and spent several hours reading it and it was such an eye opener to me too. I saw so much of myself in you and at times it was easier to see - reading about another person - where I had gone wrong as well.

I even copied one quote for myself to remind me (and sorry, I forget who said it) to keep myself in check; the story of my life:

Venus. Reality check - this daydreaming about guys is a problem for you. It's become an escape, an addiction, a way for you to temporarily exit the stress of your own life and dream of a time when you'll finally be happy.

SO TRUE! Must. Stop. Doing. This.

And bravo at your last post! This also rang really true with me:

Note I did not say 'chase'. I didn't chase anyone. I think what I mean to say is that I've been approaching it with very little patience and a lot of expectations.

Anyway, I'm glad you've had this epiphany and seem to have put things in perspective. I know it's almost impossible to take advice from others when you're just not ready to hear it yet. So I hope that you're ready now and when you feel youself slipping again, just read your last post again.

Best of luck to you and keep us posted on how everything is going!

August 31, 2015

I don't have any update in particular, but I did start talking with someone online several weeks ago. We actually had a date made and planned, a day date, which I thought was nice... and I had to cancel it at the last minute due to getting sick! But we've still been talking several times a week and I'm excited about it!

It seems like the timing has never really aligned to finally meet, although he keeps asking! (which over three weeks plus is a good sign!)

I can tell he's one of the sweet ones with good intentions.. just in the things he says and the dates he has come up with.

I think the 'type' of guy I'm attracted to NOW is much different than what I was after in the past. I guess it just took growing up and getting over that period in my life.

I still had/have(?) some unresolved regret about my last relationship not working out. I haven't found someone who makes me feel the way he used to. I thought he was "the one". I wanted to marry him at one point, for years... and we had something special, good times, bad times. But we had a lot of passion, and that's very important to me, and I want that with a new relationship.

I saw A (the fireman) today, and I looked back on it fondly, the two months we dated. He was a sweetheart, and he liked me.. he just wasn't really interested in anything more than what it was; I think he just wasn't at the 'level' that I need, in many ways. And that's ok. I still saw him and thought, 'Cool, I'm glad I had the time we spent because I enjoyed it'. I don't have regrets.

What I do have regrets about is my failed relationship with the guy I wanted to marry five years ago. He didn't want to marry me, but he loved me. Even if he did, he wouldn't be the right guy for me and I wouldn't still be married to him.

Lately, I've been looking back and thinking- I've had several opportunities to have another relationship. Over the years, even over the past 10 years, I've had marriage proposals (first boyfriend), second one was a long time best guy friend (now engaged)... the bottom line is that I realized it's not that I'm not worthy of it; there's nothing wrong with me, I'm no different from any other woman I know who has her husband and family. I just haven't met the right guy! If I did, I would have that too. And... it hasn't been the right time. Because I was half the woman I am now then, and not even close to being mature or complete enough to be in a healthy relationship.

So, although I'm lonely a lot, rarely date these days but meet men who are interested or attracted, I'm more picky now than ever. I don't waste my time on someone just because he shows interest. I know how fleeting and superficial that can be.

Like the guy I've been talking to for weeks now, and who keeps asking me out...that just seems so much more legitimate and trustworthy even though we still haven't met (my unavailability). I'm sure it will be very soon. I'm making sure to let him know that I'm still interested, even if I couldn't make the dates he has suggested.... so he keeps reaching out and trying! Which I appreciate.

I also am certain that I've had a lot of walls up and haven't been 'real' with the men I have met and been involved with. I just listened to a song that made me think about that. I know why I've done it too. I've been very cynical and mistrusting since my betrayal and abuse by my ex. It was so traumatic, I hate to say it, but he held a space in my heart and mind all along. Not in a good way, but I just had a lot of anger and also compared other men to him. That's why I haven't moved on. I wasn't available. So I sought out and was attracted to men who were also not available in the way deep down I wanted. That's why so many disappointments.

It's hard to let down the walls and be vulnerable and put yourself out there to get hurt. So it was easier for me to have superficial relationships. This is all so simple in hindsight.

Now that I am almost 100% ready for something REAL again... I still have one thing let go from the past, my regret. It's been keeping a space for it in my heart, and no wonder I haven't let anyone new in. I'm not sure how I can do that, but maybe just a matter of meeting someone trustworthy and with sincere intentions, who genuinely wants to get to know me, faults and all. I'm a handful sometimes, but I am a good woman.

I also think maybe I've needed all these experiences to realize and be 100% confident my worth. I've been treated like dirt by half the men I've dated in my life. The other half (or third) have been good guys who genuinely respected me and thought I was special and they treated me very well. For whatever reasons, I didn't find them the right person, or it just fizzled out. It makes sense that you can't love anyone else until you love yourself, and I didn't. I've definitely hardened and the things I used to gloss over and tolerate would NEVER fly with me these days.

My ex put me in a position where I had to stand up for myself over and over. It was the hardest thing I've ever done but in fact the best thing I've ever become. He bullied me and was manipulative and cruel, psychological and verbal abuse to such a level I hope no one ever has to experience. I didn't really know how strong I was until I was tested. Many of my friends told me that they always thought I was a really strong woman; I never knew that about myself until then. My point is, I have ZERO tolerance these days for BS and fakers, thank God. Getting better. Now if someone pulls one on me, I'm not so naïve. Sometimes I think I have been a little too 'hard', too 'cold', and that's why no one has made it into my heart.. because I've got so many walls around it.

I read somewhere that a healthy, mature man is not going to do everything he can to 'break down the walls'.. he's not going to want to go to the door of the house with snow blocking the entrance and bars on the window. He's going to knock on the door of the house with drawn curtains and the smell of cookies wafting through. You can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar, so to speak. I need to open my heart. It's scary. I'm getting closer, maybe completely there now.

So, I don't feel sorry for myself anymore, or left out, or different, or unworthy. I've had plenty of opportunities. I was never single before the past four years. I wouldn't be the person I am now had I not gone through all this, so I have no regrets about that. I think my regret lies in the fact that I truly believed and wanted to marry that guy, I wanted it to work out. He still has been the only guy who has made me feel that GOOD, that passion.. but then the flip side was so bad... it's hard to reconcile those 'split' feelings.

October 19, 2015

Hello LoveShack,

It's been a long time. I think I might even close this thread because I feel completely new. I have a new 'love story' to begin another thread now!

I think I have finally realized that I am truly ready to be open and available for a real, substantial relationship. I think everything before this moment was premature. I truly believe I was not ready.

Therefore, I wasted time (or gained wisdom) by dating men who weren't really into me, and/or weren't available themselves.

It took going on one last online date to know that what I am seeking is not something I could find behind a dating site. There are some great guys out there, that's for sure. But I got tired of sifting through the 90% of the losers who just wanted to get laid to find the 'good guy' who I may not even end up being attracted to or compatible with. So I deleted my profiles for good. Over the past 2 months, I was chatting with 2 men from online. I met with one, who was definitely a decent guy, seemed genuine, but after a month of chatting, we met and there was zero spark.

Had a great 'spark' with the last date I went on, we built it up for over a week, there was definitely chemistry, but he put the moves on me and it was clear all he was looking for with me was sex. So when I said no, he didn't feel like putting more effort into dating me, and I never heard from him again.

A week after that date, I went to New Orleans. I met someone there who opened my heart. There is a chance we will never see each other again, but even if that's the case, I have changed on the inside. I realize when I met him, that my heart's been closed off for a long time. I also was only meeting guys who weren't into me that much. Or, I met guys who WERE into me but I wasn't into them. Either way, it just wasn't meshing.

Now I can see the difference and it's as clear as day. It could not be more clear, actually.

Long story short, I met a local guy while out on vacation. NOLA is about a 4-5 hour flight from where I live. He approached me dancing at a live music venue, and we danced and talked for the rest of the evening. He wouldn't let me out of his sight. We kissed on the Mississippi River and he got me safely back to my door.

The next morning he called me, YES, CALLED LIKE ON THE TELEPHONE (!)and said he would like to do xyz today with me, what time will I be ready and he will pick me up. I had some family obligations, but I was able to spend a couple wonderful hours with him touring around his city. It was magic. I felt so free and alive around him. He was a gentleman, but was very clear that he was interested in me and was attracted to me. He was affectionate, kind, and was treating me to little trinkets at the flea market and he'd pick flowers for me along the walk. We had an incredibly high sexual attraction but even for the first 'date' it just seemed natural and easy. I felt myself. His personality was so attractive to me... I've been waiting and wondering if I'd ever meet someone so alive and expressive.

That man is the most expressive person I've ever met. And he's probably one of the most romantic too. I had ZERO doubt in my mind that he was interested in me... and that's how it should be, dammit!!

He wanted to continue the date... but I had to spend time with friends for dinner... and he was waiting for me to be available afterwards, which I was. He once again called me on the phone, came to pick me up, and we continued our tour of New Orleans, now at night.

We went through gorgeous hotel lobbies, walked around the downtown area, stopped for a drink. It was late but I felt so full of life and so open with him, I didn't want to say goodbye. Not only did I feel a strong physical attraction to him, which was very mutual... I noticed that just the 'cues' he was giving me were different than the men I've been dating lately. It was hard to put my finger on... but I think the most telling was that he was very obvious and very expressive verbally as to wanting to get to know me, how he felt, what he desired. Ha! If only all men could be that way.... it is wonderful. I realized, I'm the kind of person who needs to be hit over the head with a 2x4 to trust that a man is interested in me. And he is.

We made out on the steps of my hotel. He walked me up every flight of stairs, unable to say goodbye. We kissed passionately and talked for HOURS. There was some touching and passion in the moment, and much as I wanted him to spend the night, I said goodbye at the door. I never thought I'd see or hear from him again.

I got on my flight the next day and my phone was dead the entire time. I got home and listened to a long voicemail he had left, saying he loved spending time with me, thank you for letting him take me out, just checking to see if I got on my flight ok, and that he would really like to keep in touch; that he hoped to hear back from me.

I texted back and said let's talk again tomorrow. That was last week and not a day has gone by since we have not talked. In fact, he calls me often and we've had 1-2 hour phone conversations. He will text me and tell me he's missing me, how he's thinking of me. How he wants us to spend more time sharing and getting to know each other. And then he follows through with that by calling and taking the time to do just that.

He tells me he's going to do all he can as soon as he can to get out here and see me before anyone else can sweep me off my feet. How he is honored to have met me and to be given a chance. How each day that we talk more he feels closer to me and his desire and heart is growing for me.

We talk about our families, work, hopes, dreams, desires, and intentions. What we are both looking for in a relationship. We talk about our past relationship hurts and disappointments. We talk about the simple, every day things too. He even taught me some breathing techniques last night as we both were in bed and drifted off to sleep while on the phone.

He'll call me and leave a message that is so sweet. 'I just wanted you to know I'm thinking about you. I hope to hear back from you.' He'll text me things like 'sending you love. I want you to know that I am so grateful to have the chance to get to know you and that you are adored.' I know that seems forward but this guy is so full of heart and soul I have to believe he is true. He seems to be such a transparent person.

I am falling for him and I really do believe he is genuine. But I'm waiting until he puts his money where his mouth is by seeing me again in person. I've never done a long distance, but I told him let's just take it one day at a time and get to know. I expect NOTHING out of this. I would like it very much. I would like to see him ASAP and I gave the invitation for him to come to me. I think he will, he was asking how long that flight took me from NOLA.

It's still so hard for me to trust and be open, but in this case, I have no choice. He has opened my heart and I am ready for love now. He makes me feel like I WANT to open my heart. If it's not with him, and the distance ends this feeling, I know for certain that now I am receptive to someone who is ALL IN. I will never waste my time with someone half-assed about his feelings for me ever again.

I think that is the biggest indication and best piece of advice I can give... if you're not 100% sure a man is interested in you, he's probably not. Give your time and open your heart to the ones who make it clear as day and follow through with their word, consistently. Thank God I can see the difference now.

Maybe a new thread for my long distance {hopefully not so long} love interest. I'm very happy and going to enjoy it for what it is.

October 20, 2015

Just wanted to say congrats!

I've also found love at last and you're so right; when a guy is into you there are NO doubts.

October 24, 2015

Congrats to you too, Leigh! I knew it wasn't a matter of settling for someone we had no 'sparks' for, am I right?

It makes me nervous to be getting more 'involved' and falling in love with someone again. I haven't known him very long at all and we only had a short time together while I was on vacation. But I think that's all it took. I have no idea where this will go or how long it will last. My mantra is '24 hours at a time'.

But there hasn't been one day in the past 2 weeks now that he isn't making it 100%, no, 1000% clear, that he is interested. It's like all I have to do is be receptive, and he gives me no choice but to be. I think it takes the right person to open your heart. I know for sure mine was closed off and therefore I was wasting time on men who weren't that interested. When I came across someone who was, I wasn't interested and it obviously was for the best. But in this case, when we met it was immediate connection, physically, emotionally, mentally. And what is actually great about this relationship is that the physical is being delayed, so we are working on the emotional and mental connection, nurturing that instead of jumping into sex. If we were together that would be happening, so probably an indication to keep it as 'slow' as possible!

I have to gush... he will say things like 'I want you to know that you are adored.... whatever I have to do to let you know I'm committing to this... all these feelings are overwhelming...You are so special to me... I need to get to you asap before someone else sweeps you off your feet... you deserve to be cherished and adored...

His words are so expressive, it's moving fast and we are falling... I'm so ****ed up for thinking he's putting on an act. I don't know him and for all I know he says these things to all the women he likes. I mean, the fact that we talk for an hour or more on the phone pretty much every night, and he consistently texts me throughout the day is a really good indication of his interest. But my insecurities are coming out I guess. I think 'he can't possibly be falling in love with me like he says he is.. I'm not that great and he probably does this to every woman he's attracted to. I'm starting to waver in my self-confidence in myself that I worked so hard to build back up.

For some reason deep down I feel a mistrust...although he is gushing with emotion and desire for me, and is a gentleman and totally willing to put his efforts into a relationship with me! I think the distance makes me have doubts. He has said he never thought he'd be in a long distance relationship, he tried one briefly but it didn't work out. I think my fear is that I could be just one of many women he pulls this on. I mean, it happens, right? But then he'll send me photos that we took together, or he sends pics of his day to day activities, or a link to a sweet heartwarming video, or just be the most romantic and sweet man I've ever met in my life... and then I think, 'this can't be for real'. The attention he gives me is more than I've experienced in many years. Hell, I didn't even feel this much with my last boyfriend in the beginning.

However, I am surprisingly at ease though about this. I think what it is that I don't feel INSECURE ABOUT WHETHER OR NOT HE LIKES ME. Therefore, no anxiety. But I still have major butterflies!

As I said, I take it day by day and I have zero expectations. Of course I would love to be with him and think ahead about the future. We have talked about the next time we see each other... he is definitely talking about coming out here... I think there is a good chance that he will be. And obviously I would go back there and visit him; we've even talked about where else he would like to take me, other places. All this and we never even slept together. 24 hours extended date turned into hours and hours of telephone conversations, longing, and falling in love. I think it really could be real. I wonder what is holding me back? I am pretty sure that it is fear.

But I will say this: he has (almost) completely disarmed my heart. I have been able to open up more to him than any man I've dated in years. For some reason he makes me feel open and that it is safe to do so, because I know he does appreciate me and treats me with respect and care. Nurturing is a good word. Even a simple gesture of a nightly phone call, or a couple texts throughout the day to let me know he's thinking about me and cares about me. That is what ultimately proves to me that he is being sincere and it is safe to be open. Even if he does end up hurting me or disappointing me, or disappearing, god forbid... I know I would be ok.

There have been days that I kind of felt like all this was too much, too fast... but I realize he never has tried to push anything or overstep any boundaries. He has made it known that he wants me and wants to dedicate the time, but also allows me come to him when I'm ready and on my own time. Wow, what a concept. He doesn't exhibit any signs of jealousy or being demanding or obsessive about communicating with me or disrespecting my time. I'm just on high alert for red flags of controlling behavior and jealousy because that's been my past so I know it. To be honest, the one thing that does raise a yellow flag is that he asked me to be his 'girlfriend' pretty much immediately. I didn't say yes or no, I said one day at a time for now.. but seriously nobody has ever asked me that before except my last boyfriend, and it took him months. Maybe it is true that sometimes you just 'know'? If you have the connection you are searching for, even when you didn't know what you wanted or needed, it hits you like a ton of bricks. He's over 10 years older than me, so I kind of give him more credit and trust that he knows what it is he's looking for.

Ultimately, this is such a beautiful feeling for sure and as we communicate to each other, we want it to grow and continue. There has been no mention of exclusivity... but well...he refers to me as his 'girlfriend', so... ?!

And I know that he would NOT want me to be with any other guy... so... I think that we are?! I mean, we haven't slept together so how can we be exclusive? How does this work? Is it supposed to be this simple? I hope so.

Edited October 24, 2015 by venusishername

October 24, 2015

I wonder what is holding me back? I am pretty sure that it is fear.

...

How does this work? Is it supposed to be this simple? I hope so.

Yes, it should be that simple when things are right and feelings are mutual.

Admittedly, I don't understand LDRs.. for me they are just penpals but I guess the distance is a good way to slow down the physical. Have you done a background check to make sure he is who he says he is, isn't married, a criminal, etc.?

Perhaps you should make a timeline for yourself as to how you'd like things to progress. You don't want a skype buddy, right?

October 24, 2015

Congratulations, Venus! I hope this brings you all the happiness and bliss you've wanted for so long. In my experience, long-distance relationships are more likely to work out when both parties are 30 or older, if only because people have become more patient, committed and knowledgeable about what they want. My former boss met someone fifteen hours away and they managed a long-distance relationship for more than a year before she finally moved to be with him. They're married now.

I am somewhat surprised that you're involved with someone more than ten years older than you, if only because I thought you wanted kids and all, but maybe you're considering alternatives? Anyway, asking you to be a girlfriend immediately doesn't seem like a red flag to me; it just seems like he's serious about his intentions. I would be more concerned about the two bigger potential red flags for any LDR: any signs of a con man or a guy having an affair. It doesn't look like you have reason to be concerned about either of those.

Many congratulations!

October 27, 2015

Congratulations, Venus! I hope this brings you all the happiness and bliss you've wanted for so long. In my experience, long-distance relationships are more likely to work out when both parties are 30 or older, if only because people have become more patient, committed and knowledgeable about what they want. My former boss met someone fifteen hours away and they managed a long-distance relationship for more than a year before she finally moved to be with him. They're married now.

I am somewhat surprised that you're involved with someone more than ten years older than you, if only because I thought you wanted kids and all, but maybe you're considering alternatives? Anyway, asking you to be a girlfriend immediately doesn't seem like a red flag to me; it just seems like he's serious about his intentions. I would be more concerned about the two bigger potential red flags for any LDR: any signs of a con man or a guy having an affair. It doesn't look like you have reason to be concerned about either of those.

Many congratulations!

Thank you. I believe in love and I know that a man who is serious will move mountains to be with the woman he loves. I think so far that this one isn't willing to let me go so easily. We will see what he does. I want to believe he is sincere... but until he does follow through with actions of actually being with me physically, I can't help but feel guarded and with no expectations either. The anxiety has started to kick in just a little bit. Not so much though.

As for your comment about being surprised that I am getting involved with someone more than 10 years older than me... I really always preferred older men anyway, and I do want children. But as I get older, marriage is the thing most important to me and not necessarily with children. Of course I would want to have children with my husband, but its not a requirement. I think that I would be ok not having my own, not because I just happened to meet someone who is older, but its just something I've been thinking about as I get older myself. He has asked me if I want kids. I didn't ask him... he already has young adult children, actually, so maybe I assumed he didn't want more... or I felt it too soon to ask.

Each day that goes by, though... we are getting closer and closer. At first I was skeptical and had no expectations of this going anywhere. But each day that goes by I feel that a relationship is truly developing and we are discovering we are compatible in many ways. Just knowing him has enriched me very much just in this short time. It's amazing. I truly think it was timing. I went on one final online date and then a week later I went on vacation and it changed my heart forever. New Orleans was a magical place.

He refers to me his 'girlfriend'. We will talk for hours most nights, but if we can't and are busy, we are still in consistent but not overbearing contact throughout the day. One thing I especially love is the greeting in the morning, and his signing off before bed, telling me sweet dreams, you are adored, sending my love, you are in my thoughts, I miss you, and can't wait to talk to you again. So simple, so clear.

I am grateful and open to this man because he makes it SO EASY to open up my heart. Now I am very very certain he is very interested in me. I didn't really believe it too much at first. I thought he probably thought of me as just another tourist passing through, ships in the night. We did kiss the first night we met, and the next day after our extended date, we were physical with touching and making out but didn't go too far. I had the opportunity to sleep with him... and of course I wanted to.... but when I left him at the door after a 3 hour goodbye, I thought that was probably the last time I'd ever see or hear from him again. Only because that happens to me a lot. So I felt good about not letting him in to stay with me. But he was different than most of the guys I've been even giving a second thought to. Maybe he's that elusive character of the olden days, what they used to call... a gentleman.

He has consistently pursued me and has been EXPRESSIVE about his intentions and his feelings for me since the first 15 minutes of meeting.

He might be the most expressive man I've ever met. Not to mention incredibly romantic. I did something today that made me feel really good and I have to share. I wrote him a letter, an old fashioned letter! instead of a birthday card. I sent a small gift along with it and went to the post office to drop it off today. Those small romantic gestures mean so much, and its one thing I've been aching to give and to receive for many years now. I even put the cherry on top with a spray of perfume on the paper and sealed it with a kiss of red lipstick. So corny. But he makes me feel gushy and he reminds me that romance is so important. He will send me links to songs that he hears and thinks of me, or will send me pictures of him with his family, the simple thoughtful things that we want to share with each other are increasing more and more each day. I never feel insecure about whether or not he is serious. Never a doubt that he cares. I never think twice about sending a text hello, and I don't wait twice as long to text back as he took to respond to me the time before, no damn games. Just honesty and expression. I'm never going to do that other **** again. Life is too short and that's not good enough for me.

The one thing that does concern me about this is the distance, and not being able to 'feed' the relationship in the ways that we want to. The long term picture with him does not yet cross my mind. We had a talk last night about an uncomfortable topic, but we were honest. He has been insinuating that he wouldn't want me to give my attention to any other guy, that he feels he already has a lot of competition now, but will be more and more because my heart is opening up and I'm also getting into great shape from lifestyle changes and training for marathon that now he thinks I'm going to be even MORE beautiful and attractive... and the competition will increase So... he said 'I'm going to have to come to you as soon as I possibly can before anyone else sweeps you off your feet.'! 'I'll do whatever I have to do to let you know every day how much I want you and make you feel adored.!' So sweet. Well, beyond sweet. That's romance!

Last night, I told him that if in the future, either one of us happens to meet someone in our own city that we want to pursue something with, whether it be physically, emotionally, both... than I would like us to tell each other that. Because I only date one person and I give my 100% undivided attention and effort to nurturing that one relationship. If I happened to meet someone else who swayed these feelings, I would tell him and if vice versa, I couldn't continue with him if he was devoting attention elsewhere. He thanked me for saying that, and said he agreed. He's the one who asked me to be his girlfriend, I just felt the need to be clear about what I feel that means. He apparently is on the same page with me about that, so I'm glad I said it. I don't know.. maybe my mind just goes there because I assume men are players and hounds and driven by sex. I mean, we aren't sleeping together so what if he meets some hot sexy woman in his own city and it would be easier than feeding this with me?! Well... I suppose it could go both ways. He could very well have the exact fears, which are realistic and reasonable fears to have.

He knows that he's at the 'top of my list' as far as prospects.... and for some reason that seems to only motivate him more. He knows, and now I'm beginning to realize... that I'm a catch. I'm worthy, I'm special on the inside. I deserve to be treated with respect and romanced, and listened to intently, and feel comfortable opening up and sharing small parts of my day.

And- best of all... and I told him this... that I am very much attracted to the fact that he is AVAILABLE and willing to put in the efforts and communication and intentions to have a real, substantial relationship. I told him about how I was attracted to men who weren't available in my life because I really wasn't either. Once I saw the difference in my limited interaction with him, and at the same time I was at a point where I was fully ready to be open again...I changed the way I view romantic relationships. And now I am READY. I am so ready!! I knew it would take the right person too. And so far, I think he has the potential to open my heart even more.

I got good news this morning. He said he is planning to come to see me during Thanksgiving, but doesn't have the exact date and time yet. The first couple days after we met he casually mentioned 'maybe' coming out to my state after Christmas. Seems he has moved up the timeline because he just can't wait that long. He asked my schedule that Thanksgiving week and when I'd be off work so he can plan. Asked how the weather is out here and would it be nice at that time too? That's only a couple weeks away. And I can only imagine if and when those tickets are booked that the buildup would be off the charts in the weeks prior to his visit.. because we already are building it up every day.

I'll post updates once I hear the dates he will be coming. I hope he does follow through. I think it will be so much better when we do finally get to be together again. The physical part has been delayed but we've had this opportunity to become emotionally 'intimate' first. He has said that its almost better that we have the distance now so to keep the physical part on the back burner. That's what I needed. I needed a man who was mature enough and into me enough to even say that out loud. I can only imagine how incredible it will be to be physically intimate after the emotional and mental part has been nurtured.

Edited October 27, 2015 by venusishername

October 29, 2015

I've literally spent hours and hours reading this entire thread. I seriously deserve a medal of some kind

Anyway, i'd like to commend you for all of the work you've put into re-evaluating yourself. I, too, have gone through that (and will again at some point), and it takes a lot of courage to be able to take a good hard look at yourself. Kudos! You've definitely come a long way!

I'm really excited to hear how things go with this new guy

October 30, 2015

Thank you, Erica. I enjoy writing and posting here has been a great learning experience for me. It's been a year's worth in this thread!!

I feel insecurities sometimes about this new relationship. We had such a short time together in person, its hard for me to trust sometimes that is enough to sustain the time and distance. In place of the physical contact and spending time together as a 'normal' relationship would develop, we are connecting emotionally and practicing being verbal and expressive in that way instead. Which is a very good thing, but nothing can take the place of physical time together either. He makes me feel better about it by saying that we are spending and sharing time together by talking and sharing, opening up.

Sometimes when I feel that sinking feeling like its falling off, the distance is too much to sustain this enough time to make it to Thanksgiving when he plans to visit... he will reach out and make me see that its not. He will let me know I am on his mind and that he's thinking of me. It's rare that we don't have a phone conversation at the end of each day. I knew he was out last night at a costume party and I felt really lonely and missed him and New Orleans very much. What if he met/will meet some other woman in his city, who is available and present physically? I have the same opportunity here and he knows that. At the end of the day though, he contacts me... at least he has been.... it just makes me nervous. I don't want this to end. I can see how a long distance could just well, 'fizzle' out. He had one before and told me that's what happened. They just stopped talking as much, then not at all. Right now he only is TALKING about coming here, nothing has been booked. Plus, Thanksgiving is a month from now. A lot could change in a month.

I try to remind myself to still take it only one day at a time.. maybe a couple days at a time would be ok though. It's been only 3 weeks since we met, and well... started dating.

Today I'm feeling as if I'm not sure if we can make it until we see each other again. Not that I don't want to.. its just that I don't know if he will feel the same. The emotional connection is there. We had a taste of the physical connection, and fortunately we have something deeper than just that.

All I can do is continue being open, continuing the contact on my part, not freaking out and getting anxious if I don't hear from him for half a day, or don't get a 'good morning' text. I just want to make it until our first rendezvous. I think if we can be physically together again it will solidify.

November 2, 2015

Just checking up on you, Venus. I'm so pleased to hear of these developments.

You're doing so well. Keep letting him pursue you. Keep being feminine. Believe it's possible that someone can be available and adore you.

I think a long distance relationship, where you haven't yet gotten too physical, is the best freaking thing that could ever happen to you. It's meant that you need to operate differently - slow down and get to know the man instead of getting to know the penis. (Sorry!) This is exactly how you communicate value and that he's got to work to introduce you to his special friend.

Have you done background checks and all of that? I think it will be fine, but you only spent a couple of days with him and he can pretty much pretend to be anyone he wants to be because of that. Check him out, just to be safe.

I think that you're feeling nervous about his visit and feeling doubts because that's how you feel safest. You are most comfortable in uncertainty about a man's intentions with you. At first, with this guy, you were sucked up in the chemicals and hormones, and you liked the attention. Now that you're feeling sure about his feelings about you, it's causing you to start retreating inward and looking for problems that aren't necessarily there. Don't do that. It's a very bad habit of yours. Keep believing and keep sticking your neck out. Yes, you could get hurt, but you could also never have this opportunity. I think the latter is much worse.

Venus, let yourself have this. Relax. Don't worry and get in a tizzy. What is going to happen is going to happen, and that is a beautiful thing. Every time you catch yourself worrying, redirect your thoughts.

And even if, for some reason, things don't work out with this guy, there is another one out there. It sounds like getting out of your town was key. You've said you live on the water/in a beach town, and I'm guessing the type of men that live near you are all similar in a way that makes them incompatible for what you're looking for.

You left some old patterns behind, but now you're showing signs of bringing up some more. Don't do it. Be emotionally vulnerable to whatever happens. You can't find deep soulful love and stay safe. It's time to let go. All of your defenses that you have to protect yourself have done anything but.

Great job, Venus.

November 4, 2015

You're doing so well. Keep letting him pursue you. Keep being feminine. Believe it's possible that someone can be available and adore you.

I think a long distance relationship, where you haven't yet gotten too physical, is the best freaking thing that could ever happen to you. It's meant that you need to operate differently - slow down and get to know the man instead of getting to know the penis. (Sorry!) This is exactly how you communicate value and that he's got to work to introduce you to his special friend.

Have you done background checks and all of that? I think it will be fine, but you only spent a couple of days with him and he can pretty much pretend to be anyone he wants to be because of that. Check him out, just to be safe.

I think that you're feeling nervous about his visit and feeling doubts because that's how you feel safest. You are most comfortable in uncertainty about a man's intentions with you. At first, with this guy, you were sucked up in the chemicals and hormones, and you liked the attention. Now that you're feeling sure about his feelings about you, it's causing you to start retreating inward and looking for problems that aren't necessarily there. Don't do that. It's a very bad habit of yours. Keep believing and keep sticking your neck out. Yes, you could get hurt, but you could also never have this opportunity. I think the latter is much worse.

Venus, let yourself have this. Relax. Don't worry and get in a tizzy. What is going to happen is going to happen, and that is a beautiful thing. Every time you catch yourself worrying, redirect your thoughts.

And even if, for some reason, things don't work out with this guy, there is another one out there. It sounds like getting out of your town was key. You've said you live on the water/in a beach town, and I'm guessing the type of men that live near you are all similar in a way that makes them incompatible for what you're looking for.

You left some old patterns behind, but now you're showing signs of bringing up some more. Don't do it. Be emotionally vulnerable to whatever happens. You can't find deep soulful love and stay safe. It's time to let go. All of your defenses that you have to protect yourself have done anything but.

Great job, Venus.

Wow, thank you Idoltree! I know you have seen me through some rough spots and I appreciate your words very much. If YOU think I'm doing well, I must be

I agree with you, I just have to keep being receptive, keep being feminine. I never feel uncertain about this man's feelings for me (although sometimes I feel a little creeping doubt and fear)- so all I have ever had to do over the past almost 4 weeks now is just BE OPEN. That's it. What's better is that he makes me feel safe doing that and so far, he's been the first one in years that made me feel that way.

A long distance relationship sucks, but for the time being we are just reveling in the romance of it. He's bringing out the true romantic in me and he is also very passionate, so all this longing is adding to the romance factor. We did mess around a little bit physically, although no sex. I certainly had the opportunity to sleep with him that last night in New Orleans. I wanted to. But I remember thinking.... I don't want to sleep with this guy and never see him again. I'd rather not sleep with him and maybe see him again. Let's just say I was very pleasantly surprised when I got that phone call the next day asking me to call him when I got back home. The rest is history.

On your comment about it being the best freaking thing for me ... I think it is good too. Even he says it's making him be more communicative and expressive verbally, emotionally. And it is me too. We already KNOW we have physical chemistry. This distance makes us work on the 'heart' part And yes, that is JUST what I needed.

Guys, I am in love with him. Falling in love, in love. We are falling in love, we are in love. He told me last night that he loves me more and more every day. ! I can't remember the last time I heard that from someone. 8 years?! Ok, trying to keep my excitement in check.

As to your comment about the area where I live being an issue with the kind of men I meet... well, I live in a locale that is notorious for being superficial. So to get down to something real and honest... I had to do something different. I had to go out of my comfort zone. Now I can't WAIT to go back to NOLA and visit. Hell, I'd go with him waiting for me there or not. But I hope I have him then because he's one of my favorite parts of that city.

I started to 'worry' a little bit over the past few days. It was Halloween the other night and I felt lonely at the end of it, going home alone. I'll write more later but all I have to say is.. he's there. If he's not available at that moment, he will get right back to me. He will text, he will call, he has never once NOT let me know that he is serious and interested. I have no reason to doubt him because he has yet to disappoint or hurt me. He tells me that he will be waiting to hear from me, when I'm ready. Even tonight, he waits for me. Asks that I call him once I'm all settled in and ready for bed, so we can both be in bed and talk then. It's his birthday.

I know that I need to get a handle on my emotions. In the beginning I was taking it one day at a time. Now it's a week at a time. I know that I need to be open, take this risk, just continue on growing, accepting, giving. Ultimately, I know that the old habits have got to go. I think I just had to grow up to be able to let go of them. I think also meeting a mature man and not a boy makes a HUGE difference.

I have NOT done background checks. Any recommendation?

A new development.... he is for certain making plans to fly here over Thanksgiving holiday. He told me last night that he is planning to book his tickets this week. He has family in my state and will be seeing them first, but then we can meet and drive to my city for the rest of the holiday weekend. Then we talked about all the things we want to do together. That's a few weeks away now, which makes me nervous... I think what if something happens between now and then and he won't come? What if he meets someone else or loses interest in me?! Then I'll be built up for 6 weeks for nothing. And then I bring myself back to being open, and taking a risk... and knowing no matter what.. I'm going to be just fine.

I can only gain from this experience, no matter what happens. He's opened up my heart, or started to open it....slowly. For that, I am so very grateful.

November 6, 2015

Well...

I'm doing my very best to stay calm. Its so hard to do when the emotions are so high. I still am having a very hard time trusting that he is genuine. A nagging thought that keeps running through my mind is that he's screwing around with other women, meanwhile keeping me on the hook in another state so he can come 'see' me when he comes here. I have no clue what he's doing in New Orleans. We haven't had any 'exclusivity' talk. I just assumed that's what's implied by 'girlfriend'/'relationship'. Maybe I should ask????

He's already made it clear to me that he doesn't like the idea of me giving my attention to other guys. He said 'how many other guys are you talking to like you talk to me?' 'who are these guy friends of yours? Are they 'friends' or just friends? I never asked him the same. How will I know? We aren't sleeping together.. yet.. so for all I know he's having this emotional romantic relationship with me and getting the physical part elsewhere since I'm not there. Is it crazy for me to think this or is this a legitimate concern? Should I assume we are NOT exclusive until we are sleeping together? How does this work. Long distance relationships aren't so cut and dry, are they.

On another note, he's really showing me that he cares about me, he's even begun to say 'I love you' over the past few days'. I can't bring myself to say it yet, although the feelings I have sure do feel like falling in love. Guys, not ONE day has gone by that we haven't communicated since I left that city. It's been almost a month. A month! We spent a staggered 24 hours together. It's just almost unfathomable that it could be growing like this. I guess I have a hard time believing its true. Its been the most romantic relationship I've had. Sometimes the emotions are too scary and I want to retreat and give up.

The things he says just fill my heart to the brim. I have to believe him because I really want to open my heart. But then again I don't want to get hurt and disappointed, ghosted, betrayed, abused, cheated on, all those things. At the end of the day though, I KNOW I'm going to be ok... even IF that happens again with him. With someone new.

We exchange a lot of pictures throughout the day of ourselves and what we are doing, things we want to share, songs, poems, etc. This morning I sent him a poem that I felt applied to how I was feeling. It was really beautiful. It was about a broken lonely heart that was now filled with romance, to have a chance at love again. He responded in a message that was written like a love letter. He was just as moved by it as I was... and said he felt the same.. now I have given him a chance to feel love again when he used to fear it, and he is inspired to be there for me now. Please let him know what I need and expect from him. (!) How can I doubt him when he says to me that I am in his thoughts and heart? How can I doubt his feelings and intentions to follow through and actually come out here to see me when he says that 'don't worry... I'll be making love to you soon enough...'

What's the harm in giving this a chance? The worst that could happen is that he never comes and doesn't follow through on his word. That he disappears and tapers off. But to me, it seems like its only growing (which totally surprised me considering our short time together). He seems to be highly motivated to get to me, to continue pursuing me. Something is driving him. I guess its his feelings for me. I almost feel I have the upper hand because we are NOT physically together. I know myself and if I was sleeping with him, I'd be a total goner. For that reason, I'm glad we have the separation for this short time.

Do you suggest I approach the subject of exclusivity? He seemed to show a little jealousy recently, just a healthy dose. I just can't stop wondering if he's involved with other women. Maybe its a bad habit of mine to think that a guy will lose interest if you're not giving him sex. Ugh.

November 11, 2015

Oh my. Things just went to a whole different level. Today he called me over the moon excited to announce that he booked his ticket and will be here in two weeks. I know he's been talking about it, but honestly I had this fear that it was just talk, and that I couldn't REALLY believe him until he booked his ticket. Apparently he just can't wait any more. He just has GOT to be with me. I could tell around Halloween time that he was getting frustrated with the distance. He can't stand it actually. Now I know he's not just feeding me words. I was so afraid that he was just all talk and he does this with all the girls. I was wrong. I know he's in love with me! And the feeling is so mutual.

I still can't believe it. We met in another city, and not a day has gone by for over a month that we have not been in contact. At first, I knew there was something there but never in a million years did I think this could grow or sustain as it has. He had told me that he's falling in love with me more and more every day. Lately its progressed to 'love', not 'in love'.

Now in less than 14 days he will be here. And we will be together finally Thanksgiving night. We are going to take a little trip down the coast. I don't want to build our 'first time' together up too much... I know that no matter where we are it will be so incredible. I am so ready to be with him.

It does seem to be moving 'fast' in many ways.. emotionally... but not physically. We talk about as difficult and unplanned as a long distance relationship is, in our case it has been better to delay the physical to achieve this emotional and mental foundation. If we were together, like we were in New Orleans, we'd be overpowered by the physical and would have been sleeping together long ago. Who knows, maybe wouldn't have ever gotten to the point that it has. What happened is that we fell in love before we will become completely physically intimate. Its a wonderful thing. Its so romantic and I love that he feels the passion and romance that I do too. I used to think I'd maybe have to settle for some 'nice' guy, equals boring, predictable, under the radar, meek, etc. His personality is everything I am attracted to. I knew I wouldn't have to make sacrifices for the personality traits I found attractive. What's different here is that he possesses the traits I innately am attracted to... which are positive qualities... and he is INTO me. He knows what he wants.

I also know what I want. I am very clear. And I think he and I are both at a point in our lives where we are fully ready to open up to love again, and it was just the right place at the right time. It was never about settling for the 'nice' guy who didn't give you that 'initial spark'. No way. He sets me on fire and has been that way since day one. We just have the emotional factor too plus the physical fire.

We've been spending and hour or more on the phone nearly every night, the contact has increased! Sharing our feelings for each other, discussing our fears and needs, learning more about each other, talking about the future, laughing, even having phone sex a couple times! And imagine that... we never even slept together either. So ironic how good it can feel without it. Of course it will be off the charts amazing and sensual sex when we finally do. It will be making love.. I know it will be. That's what he tells me it will be and I believe him. I can only imagine all the emotion that will be present when we do. It will be so amazing.

Speaking of sex, last night for the first time in a month.. I sent a topless pic.. just me in bed. We talked after that. He was so turned on by it that he texted me this morning to tell me he couldn't stop looking at me, how beautiful and sexy I am, how he MUST come to me, he must make love to me. !! I could sense his urgency lately and that's such a good sign. I could also sense some healthy jealousy too, concern about other men getting to me first. Both very good signs!

Now I KNOW, 100% that he's totally involved in this. He is in love and he's been on a mission to pursue me from the first night we met. He never, ever dropped it. We have even talked about me coming there for Valentine's Day. He asked me to come and I admit I've already looked at tickets. But he will likely be coming back out here for New Year's Eve anyway!! That was news today too.

I guess we just decided: this long distance sucks, its not what we planned or wanted, but what we are doing is making adult decisions to nurture this and do what we can to continue. We decided we want to continue. He seems to get ahead as far as the future more than I do.. I am more down to earth about expectations than he seems to be. I can sense his excitement and passion and it makes me feel so passionate and excited myself! God, finally. I wondered if I'd ever feel this way again. Falling in love is a terribly good drug. I am so happy. No more fears or doubts.

I'm going to take this risk because he has completely disarmed my heart

November 14, 2015

I feel like I'm being such a negative nancy, Venus, but the "love" stuff at this point is worrying. A lot of men come out super strong & burn out. You just can't be in love without spending more in-person time together. Romantic stuff is overwhelmingly wonderful and what a great experience this has been for you. But the romance has to be followed up by long term commitment as well... to me, it's the combination of the two that equals love. There's lots of positive stuff going on here; just keep an open mind and enjoy spending time with him, then see where you feel it's leading after that.

November 14, 2015

Enjoy venus.

I am living with my boyfriend even though it is just 3 months. We are also over the moon, overwhelmingly romantic lol.

I don't care what people think about it either. If it doesn't work it doesn't work. Whatever. This is living. We are.

November 15, 2015

Echoing lissvarna. Lots of good stuff, but the "I love you"s make me cautious.

At this stage, you're still in the honeymoon period, which is a hormonal soup that allows you to feel that this person is beyond your wildest dreams and it's meant to be, yadda yadda yadda. But it's really two people who don't know each other well yet projecting the image of their ideal partner onto the other person. We all do it. It's biological; we can't help it. It's nature's way of getting us to reproduce.

He's in the honeymoon period ("I love you") and you are too (poem about redemption for a broken heart.) While I think it's okay to enjoy it, I wonder how he can love you without knowing you. He loves who he thinks you are. How can you feel saved when you don't know him? There is tons of projecting going on here because you're both dating the version of one another that reside in your heads.

Enjoy it, just know that you're doing it. I do worry that if two people get too caught up in the honeymoon period (declaring love and salvation), there is bound to be disillusionment and/or a crash. I believe that is what lissvarna meant by a crash. If he thinks he loves you now, what happens when the honeymoon period comes to an end and he "meets" the real/flawed you? If you think he's saving you, what happens when you "meet" the real/flawed him?

Are you two going to keep your wits about you and understand the giddiness was just an illusion, and look forward to staying with the person you like alot but whom is also capable of disappointing you and pissing you off? Because that latter is about handling adversity with maturity, and understand that love is at first heady and chemical, and after that more realistic and companionate. This does not mean the physical connection has to die out. (Going strong at over 3 years with my guy and we still tear it up in the bedroom.) It does mean that you're suddenly in a relationship with a real person.

As for "we're boyfriend/girlfriend, but we've never talked about whether we're exclusive", um, I think that exclusivity is part of the default definition? Unless you've both discussed that it's an open relationship, the whole "hey, I know we're in a relationship but are you seeing anyone else?" discussion seems a bit silly. At the same time, you shouldn't be left wondering.

What's up with him chiding you about your guy friends and you wondering about what he's up to, but neither of you able to talk to one another honestly? Make a commitment to communicate. With a long distance relationship, if you can't communicate your thoughts and worries, you've got nothin' sustainable. Ask him so that you can put your mind at ease.

I do hope that his visit goes well. I see that you're shocked that he bought a ticket and are already reeling at this small evidence of commitment, and are fighting off the urge to bolt somehow. (Commitmentphobe Venus at work.) Stop it. Become okay with uncertainty, Venus. Give this a real chance by becoming okay with the fact that you don't know what will happen. You might hurt him, he might hurt you, or you might go on to be really happy together. I know that you can't get to the latter without taking risks, so take one.

Maintain femininity and let him be the man in the relationship. He's there to take action, you're there to be receptive to his action. Do not screw up this power dynamic on his first visit to you by trying to be in control. Be vulnerable and have some fun with him.

Again, keep your wits about you while also knowing that when you get triggered by a guy who likes you, you get hyper-critical of him and sabotage yourself. You don't do that with guys who keep you uncertain, and guys who keep you uncertain aren't good prospects. Here's one who knows he wants you, so your job is not to find a reason that it won't work as a way to keep yourself safe. You have to just find your courage, go with the flow and avoid overthinking.

I'd say that you're both really into one another, things seem promising, and some things to find out/talk about on this visit are:

Is the sexual connection good?
Are either of you going to freak out when you come down from the honeymoon period and discover you're (gasp!) dating an actual flawed human being?
Would the two of you be able to close the distance in a reasonable length of time?

Another thing to think about are your long term goals/values:

I think you mentioned that he has grown (or nearly grown) kids. Does he want more? If not, would you be okay with that? Really really okay with that? This is one you can't go back on, and if you change your mind after a few years, that won't be a good thing (I think you said you're 31.)

Also, does this mean that you'd have to move near him so he can stay near his kids? If so, would you be okay with that?

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