When it rains it pours

[venusishername]

I find it interesting that in your opening post you mention not having much experience with only two failed LTR's. However, based on various posts I've read, the amount of sexual partners seems to be increasing. You even had a FWB?

 

Well yes, after I no longer had boyfriends, between the ages of 27 and 31, the number of partners has increased compared to when I was in LTR's for a total of 8 years! Wouldn't it be expected that if you are single that you tend to sleep with more people than you would if you were not single? I know some people don't believe in sex unless you're in a relationship.

And no, where did I say I had a "FWB"? (God I hate that word, it makes me cringe). It was the posters who have labeled my recent relationships as "FWB" because those men never became and never were my boyfriends.

 

But my point is that there's more to men than their sex drive. Maybe some of these guys didn't feel a click with your personality.

I agree. I don't think it's all about sex either. Like the girl you were seeing, it was great but not long term compatibility for whatever reasons you came to. At least you had the courtesy to be honest with her and I wish men had done that with me. Thanks for your insights, I appreciate it.

Edited February 25, 2015 by venusishername

[fitnessfan365]

It is hard experiencing what you should have earlier in life when you're older. You want to explore and discover more about yourself where other people are wanting to settle down. That's why it's hard to be in a successful LTR until you have fully discovered yourself and done some trial and error.

 

It's funny because I had two GF's when I was younger. Then didn't date at all for 7 YEARS. Focused on work, school, etc.. But since I've always loved communication and male/female interaction I took a lot of time to read books, watch videos, and just talk to women in general. So then starting five years I was finally ready to focus on my social life again. It was a complete 180. My mom always teases me about being such a ladies man now when I was basically a monk before...LOL However, having a "making up for lost time" mentality does make it difficult to find longer term compatibility.

[Timshel]

I assume these are rhetorical questions

But I'll answer because I'm trying to put this behind me.

 

If he calls, I think his purpose (as it's always been) will be to spend time with a woman he finds pretty and attractive and sexy, for good company and hopefully more great sex. I can't say I'd blame the guy either, because that would be appealing to me too.

 

No, I don't think he would answer with the full truth. If I had the chance to call him out on it, I think what he'd say is that he's been busy and wasn't sure if I was really interested in him because I often declined his invites and he didn't hear from me after Vday either. Which is and could be PARTLY true. I don't think that's a lie. But he certainly wouldn't tell me the whole truth which is this:

 

But the fact is if he really did want to get to know me, he wouldn't let it drop. If he was busy, (which I totally understand is possible for us adults with careers and studies to juggle), then he would plan in advance or at least keep in touch. I have to just assume that R (just like A) did really like me, they just didn't want to put in the effort.

 

Thank you for answering Venus. The questions are not rhetorical because I do not know the answer. What I think from your thread and what you know living your life are not mutually exclusive. Internet questions by nature can't be rhetorical.

You are concerned about why this boy has not been consistent in behavior towards you. You have been making lots of allowances though you are hurting and confused.

 

If you do not know where you stand, beautiful Venus, you stand No Where.

 

Yes, he's a boy. A man would not find himself in this thread.

[Eighty_nine]

 

If he calls, I think his purpose (as it's always been) will be to spend time with a woman he finds pretty and attractive and sexy, for good company and hopefully more great sex. I can't say I'd blame the guy either, because that would be appealing to me too.

 

? You've said things like this before. What's your point? Yes, he wants sex and a good time with a woman he finds attractive. It doesn't mean anything. It doesn't make him relationship minded at all. You saying this sounds like you're trying to rationalize seeing him if he contacts you.

[venusishername]

? You've said things like this before. What's your point? Yes, he wants sex and a good time with a woman he finds attractive. It doesn't mean anything. It doesn't make him relationship minded at all. You saying this sounds like you're trying to rationalize seeing him if he contacts you.

 

I don't have a point. I was just answering the question that Timshel asked in his post.

If he does contact me, yes, the reason I stated above would be the reason WHY he would contact me. I didn't mean it to be any kind of rationalization to see him. My last sentence is me admitting that if the tables were turned, it would be tempting to spend time with a man I find attractive for good company and sex too. If that's all I wanted, then YES, I would see him. But I want more (as you know)!

That is why I have settled for less, because I gave in to the temptation I guess and thought 'this is better than nothing'. I have no intention to see him again, Lissvarna.

You know, I can't help but think sometimes that these guys ARE or could be relationship minded, they just don't want a relationship with ME. That's a harder pill to swallow than they just aren't 'relationship minded'. But it could be a combo of both.

Edited February 26, 2015 by venusishername

[Leigh 87]

Venus,

 

The exact same things happen to me with men.

 

But just remember: NONE of us on here read R's actions as genuine interest. Yet you did.

 

What is the common denominator? Us all thinking one thing, and you thinking the other - and you end up being wrong?

 

I know it seems like " well, we don't know what it was LIKE, in real life"

 

Right? Wrong. All you have to do is type out HOW a man "acted". And it is clear as day that he wasn't falling for you on a deeper level besides sex and company. They are really attracted, they think I am funny and interesting to spend time with but they don't like my personality enough or click with me enough on a personal level. R may very well be relationship minded! Not ALL men who pull this cr@p are out to play the field - they just genuinely probably didn't click with your personality enough to warrant any kind of emotional investment.

 

You DO NOT have to overlook men you are sexually attracted to. Many people were sexually attracted to their partners from the date one. Many people do feel sufficient spark and excitement about COMPATIBLE partners. However, depending on your time line, it just takes a lot LONGER to find both the sexual attraction and the naturally hot chemistry - with someone who is very compatible. It will take you another few years to find that but it is VERY possible!

 

You want a relationship in the next couple of years? Then yeah, you will have to go on dates with men you're not attracted to initially, and find a compatible guy who you're not sexually into for the first few dates but who you GROW to feel more excited about; this sort of union is never as passionate or exciting as the instant attraction types but it works well for most people.

 

If you do find that killer combo - strong sexual attraction and compatibility - it takes a lot of time to find, years sometimes a decade, but you also have to go about it very differently to how you have been thus far. You have to get to know them before too early sex AND you have to treat them like nothing at first - you CANNOT afford to get excited about men you first meet, since most of them will turn out to either, A, disappear, or B, not working out and having the decency to tell you as such.

 

This method works for me! It has helped me greatly since my last threads..... I no longer let myself get excited about men I first meet and whom I feel a exciting type of connection with. Case in point, Venus - one guy has been visiting my work for months just to chat to me. He finally got the courage to ask for my number. He texted me, and confessed that " you really knock my socks of Leigh 87, I can't even put a proper sentence together. I don't do flings and I put my heart and soul into the person I focus my attention on"

 

Guess what? After he professed his "interest" in me, (he literally said " I am very interested in you, can I take you out for a date? He said he was happy to drive two hours to MY town...... ) and he has since disappeared. I texted once to see how he was. He answered. I replied. I haven't heard from him since and I will never text him since his ACTIONS have shown that no, he doesn't find me worthy of dating and putting actual effort into.

 

Therefore, much like with R - his sweet words were sex related and he outright lied about not "doing flings". And guess what? I just didn't care when I never heard from him again. I have been disappeared on and had guys pretend to like me for sex so many times now that I just do not get excited or happy about new men I happen to encounter. Their flattery means nothing. Zilch. IT RARELY amounts to more than a passing " oh she is hot, I'd bang her" thing for these men.

 

I really didn't care about the last guy who disappeared and I won't care at all when the next guy lies to me in order to get sex.

 

Namely, I don't sleep with them now. I hold off until they plan and INITIATE the first few dates and they ACT like they want to date me. SO when they disappear, I really haven't invested anything emotionally. Because I don't sleep with them. I keep it to text and let them arrange dates - and when they don't... they just aint that into me so who cares? The right guy will be into me and that is all that counts.

 

Yes it is frustrating when you think hey, I am attractive, I am awesome and I don't understand WHY these men don't WANT ME.

 

Well, simple answer is: they loved your body but they didn't love your soul. They just weren't into your personality despite finding you attractive enough to ***** and I am sure most of them found you to be pleasant to be around.

 

Not everyone will be into us just because we are slim/attractive and interesting to a lot of men!

 

Personalities have to click!

 

I have had a guy who was VERY attracted to me and who liked my superficial personality! He was SO excited about getting to know me! Guess what? When he got to know me better, he decided our personalities weren't a match. Despite thinking I was way above his league! He thought I was a fun and cool person on a basic level too! It IS NOTHING to do with you not being good enough! But God do I know all about feeling let down by men, and the resulting blow to your ego and self esteem can be awful. It is easy to get down and say " well WHY NOT ME, I am HOT AND HAVE A GREAT PERSONALITY WTF !>!>#*^!("

You have to click with a man for him to fall for you. You didn't truly click with these men; your personalities weren't an ideal fit. Yet I am sure they found you good enough to date, hypothetically.

 

I am sure if a girl had come by by with the right personality and she looked identical to you - they would have JUMPED at the chance to date her!

 

Most men expect you to read in between the lines, Venus. They aren't going to throw you out of bed after sex, they will turn over and cuddle you. They will text you on the occasion to warm you up to coming over for sex. They will enjoy having a few conversations with you. NONE of these men have ever indicated they were truly interested in dating you though, although to you, you jumped on any little sign even though other women on this thread never ONCE would have taken these "signs" as genuine interest.

 

You have to think hard; why do me and other women on this thread NOT take these guys actions ac genuine interest (when men act this way towards us, we know they only view us as sex and company). And yet YOU genuinely thought there was a chance these men could have been into you for more than a sex and fun thing?

 

None of us on here mistake actions that YOUR guys have exhibited towards you, as actual interest in us.

 

I think because I am busy with a full time podiatry degree - that I have no interest or urgency to date - and therefore it is easy for me to just not give a darn about men and dating and the outcome of new love interest that seem to arise often for me. Men asking me out and coming across keen only to want one thing. Perhaps you should give up on love for now and realise that hey, it doesn't happen for everyone and you need to be content alone (if you're not you will SETTLE into the wrong relationship) BUT it likely WILL happen for you, love will, but just not on your time line! I strongly urge you to rid yourself of the need to date. Put yourself out there in public, sure, you won't meet men sitting at home on the weekends. But why not focus on meeting new friends?

 

Why not busy yourself with new group activities or hobbies? Take a night class and learn another language? Do you ever meet new genuine friends? OR do you stick to the same group?

 

Next time you get asked out, which I feel should happen for you in real life and not via online dating.... By all means say YES if you feel sufficiently attracted. But DO NOT get toooo happy or excited about men! They WILL, way more of the than not, be after sex or they won't want a relationship with you. Yes men turn down the hottest women who they don't feel match their personalities.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Good luck,

 

I want love too but I have stopped looking for it and I am nearly at peace with the fact that hey, it may not happen for me (since I could never be with someone I had mediocre chemistry with). I no longer get excited when a guy I feel.. "excited about" comes along. I acknowledge that my brain and hormones are excited, which is what I need in a mate- but that is ALL it is. I don't ever expect them to even talk to me again after they ask for my number.

[chimpanA-2-chimpanZ]

Aren't you in a relationship, btw? How can you speak in generalities about dating sites if you don't currently use them? I've used Match, OKC, and Tinder within the past year or so. OKC to me is the creepiest of the bunch. I've never gotten so many weirdos from across the U.S. looking for a penpal.

 

I used to use dating sites all the time, and yes, I got tons of weirdos on OKC too, but I also had tons of great dates. Its best feature is its sheer volume. My (male) friend likened it to a buffet. There are so many people and it's so customizable you can really pick and choose whatever you like, or keep going back to your favorite people. It's probably the best way to meet new people who are actually relationship-minded. Besides, the weirdos are easily blocked.

 

I'll tell you what I have been told, in particular by Chimpan-z about a page or two back who says that I must ask someone I have been out with around date one or two, "what are you looking for?"

 

You do not have to literally ask everything the other person is looking for, but if their intentions aren't clear then you can at least be clear about yours. For example, I don't have sex without having the STD talk, establishing exclusivity and being clear that I want a committed relationship. It's worked out for me 100% of the time (I have always had at least 3-month relationships with these people). Am I just amazingly lucky? No, it's because I'm discerning about my choice in men and I don't compromise what I want.

 

I also think that it's good to be up front early if there are things that are absolute, no-compromise dealbreakers. One of my male friends was married too young and has no desire to marry ever again, even though he wants a lifetime companion, and he's always clear about that in the first few dates. I try to be relatively open about my health issues, because I've encountered more than one man who really wanted to have his own biological children and just didn't want a woman with fertility problems. That's their decision and I respect it.

 

You have gotten plenty of contradictory advice on this forum, in no small part because we're all different ages and at different stages in life, with different experiences as well. Don't you think it's notable that the one thing we can agree on is that these guys just aren't into you?

 

You know, I can't help but think sometimes that these guys ARE or could be relationship minded, they just don't want a relationship with ME. That's a harder pill to swallow than they just aren't 'relationship minded'. But it could be a combo of both.

 

But haven't you felt that way about men before? Haven't you been on a few dates with guys who were sweet, smart, sexy, and very committed, but you knew in the back of your mind they just weren't the ones for you? Haven't you had a friend or known someone who would never commit and swore up and down he'd never get married until one day, ta-da, he's engaged to someone he's only dated for a year? Sometimes we don't know what we want until we meet the right person. It's natural.

 

Based on your descriptions I think that B and R are not looking for long-term relationships, while A and Maverick probably are. Of course that's just my assessment and it ultimately doesn't matter, because all of them for whatever silly reasons decided they didn't want a relationship with you. Who knows why? That's on them, not you. It's not like you're shoving away Prince Charming. Things have generally been awkward and lukewarm with these guys so it's not surprising that they petered out.

 

Make two lists---one of what you want in a partner, the other what you need in a partner. You can accept compromises in the first, but not the second. Don't twist yourself in knots trying to get some schmuck to call you back, just delete his number and move on. I mean, you're giving this guy more than a week to do the bare minimum and acknowledge your existence. Come on! Stand up for yourself and don't entertain any of that "but I was sooo busy" nonsense.

[Leigh 87]

Venus,

 

Remember that most men do tend to settle down if they meet the right woman. However, I have encountered two who had genuine mental problems. Once disappeared from me after a month came back and did it again soon after. Two years later he apologised; he is still single and it turns out he is a total head case and has no hope of dating anytime soon. The other guy has mental problems and thank gosh he ended things after the first week; he is still single and working through his immense psychological problems.

 

They were the only two men who had legit reasons for not wanting a relationship with me; ALL the other men, and God knows there are a LOT of them:lmao:, just didn't want a relationship with ME.

 

Also, not all men are focused on finding her though and they don't realise until this woman comes along. Hence "not relationship minded" can hold true for many men, yet they are not shut off to it, either. I have met many such men.

 

Chances are, if R and A and M had stayed with you, lets just say they were really wanting a relationship so they picked you because you were attractive and you could talk on a basic level. You would, 100%, have discovered for yourself that hey, actually, A and N and R just WEREN'T compatible! Even if these guys had given you the chance, YOU would have discovered that something was " missing". The true connection wasn't there EVEN though you are hot and amazing.

 

You are actually lucky that these men knew early on that you just weren't their cup of tea relationship wise! I know I feel grateful for the men who left me early on; some disappeared. Two of them are still single - and have mental problems and one of them apologised for disappearing and I was glad he did as such; it would never have worked with him due to the person he is. Wouldn't you rather these guys fizzle out rather than thinking " OK, Venus is a catch, I better give things a real shot"...Only to have them or YOU leave them once you realised you just didn't click on a deep level? What these guys have done is a blessing in disguise.... they left sooner rather than dragging things on and having to bow out later, when you were more invested.

 

They may have genuinely tried to give it a go! Or, maybe they knew from the outset after your first date that sex was the deepest it would ever get with the two of you. I do think some of these men gave it a real shot, realised you weren't for them, and they wanted to be polite rather than directly levelling with you! I think A sounded interested at first! I don't think he was in it for sex from day one, but as things progressed it was soon apparent to him that it couldn't go much deeper beneath the sexual surface, and that he didn't gel with you on a deep enough level to continue seeing you.

 

Good luck gorgeous girl, I am in the same boat as you and I know I will find someone awesome eventually, just not on my watch so I am letting go and I really, really enjoy being alive! No need for constant dates and waiting for some guy to light up your phone, it is an addiction to some like us, we need to break free and be truly free for the RIGHT guy to come into our lives.

[venusishername]

All you have to do is type out HOW a man "acted". And it is clear as day that he wasn't falling for you on a deeper level besides sex and company. R may very well be relationship minded! Not ALL men who pull this cr@p are out to play the field - they just genuinely probably didn't click with your personality enough to warrant any kind of emotional investment.

I know. You know what?! I didn't fall for him either on a deeper level besides sex and company. I think both of us went into it the same with an open mind (although I can't speculate). If I had to bet on it, I would say that just from what I gathered, R is/could be relationship minded, he just probably wasn't at the moment and/or just wasn't with me. Tbh, I felt that we really did click personality-wise, but obviously that wasn't enough. The sexual attraction was off the charts and that fueled the 'interest level' along on my end for sure, and I'm sure his too. But from the start, I was very lukewarm about R. My gf noticed it.

However, the good thing I can take from R is that he was the most affectionate man I have ever been with. It was wonderful. The sex was very hot and passionate and we clicked very well in that physical capacity. That's what I want and need! But as it turns out that's all he could give. When I left the next morning after V-day, I asked him to coffee and he declined because of xyz. I had to be somewhere that afternoon, but I KNOW a man who was really into me would have asked to see me again right then and there, or called me later when he was done. I see that for whatever reason, a blessing in disguise... he chose not to. Probably did me a favor, despite how wonderful the other 'things' were. I never did ask him what he was looking for, although he did ask me. I'm sure I'll never know.

You want a relationship in the next couple of years?

Oh god, Leigh, kill me now. I want a relationship NOW, not in a few years!

You have to get to know them before too early sex AND you have to treat them like nothing at first

I am 100% convinced now that early sex is too risky and I don't have time to risk anymore like I did when I was 19-23 years old when I got into my first (and only) real relationships. They just happened to work out.

My best friend used to be a lot like me as far as dating and not being careful and cautious. She met her future husband and was thrilled about him, but she delayed sex for the first time in her life, and even asked me my advice about how to go about waiting and get to know him first. She was cautious and vulnerable coming out of a bad relationship. But the thing with her is that she is very relationship minded and put a real effort into meeting men. In the beginning when she met her now-hubby, she never put herself in situations with him that would lend to sex, he would drive long distances to see her and take her on great dates, he would call, did all the 'right' things for a significant period of time. He stuck around, and we all learned what a great guy he was, and she chose him, not the other way around!

Within a year they were engaged. Their marriage isn't perfect, but she got her man and I am proud of her for being so resolved in what she wanted. She deserves it, and she's got what she set out for.

Therefore, much like with R - his sweet words were sex related and he outright lied about not "doing flings". And guess what? I just didn't care when I never heard from him again. I have been disappeared on and had guys pretend to like me for sex so many times now that I just do not get excited or happy about new men I happen to encounter. Their flattery means nothing. Zilch. IT RARELY amounts to more than a passing " oh she is hot, I'd bang her" thing for these men.

I think you may be a tad cynical here, but I agree with you about the sweet words and flattery. Pair the flattery and sweet words with an attractive man who is showering you with affection and daily contact, and you really want to believe those words. I also thought that since R was so damn persistent that 'hey, maybe I should give him a chance....he seems much more into me than most of the guys I've encountered lately! Why not? He's really cute. I'll take the risk. He makes me feel incredibly sexy and desirable and I would love to go out for sushi, or sit in a Jacuzzi and drink wine with him. Sure beats sitting at home moping!' Add fantastic sex into the mix and this girl was a goner. I turned into a pile of mush with his words, arms, and his, well...you know! The sex goggles went on. It was a great high, but fleeting.

 

 

The high ended permanently when he said no to my coffee invite as he walked me out. I think I realized then and there that I sure do like amazing sex, but I also like having coffee with the man I just had amazing sex with. And he didn't want that.

 

You have to click with a man for him to fall for you. You didn't truly click with these men; your personalities weren't an ideal fit. Yet I am sure they found you good enough to date

Apparently so! And vice versa. I can't think of one situation with any of these recent guys where I thought, 'damn, he was perfect for me. He was my dream man.' Nope! Over the 1-2 months time with each, I learned as well that it wasn't a good fit. With A, for physical reasons and his level of maturity; with R... not sure yet but soon hindsight will be 20/20. All along I felt with him a very powerful hot sexual attraction and good company, but I was never convinced he was the kind of guy I'd see myself with in the long run. I was hoping it would develop and 'fit'. It just never did.

 

Perhaps you should give up on love for now and realise that hey, it doesn't happen for everyone and you need to be content alone (if you're not you will SETTLE into the wrong relationship) BUT it likely WILL happen for you, love will, but just not on your time line! I strongly urge you to rid yourself of the need to date. Put yourself out there in public, sure, you won't meet men sitting at home on the weekends. But why not focus on meeting new friends?

Why not busy yourself with new group activities or hobbies? Take a night class and learn another language? Do you ever meet new genuine friends? OR do you stick to the same group?

I think that's what I've been attempting to start doing now (holding off on love/dating). I find myself looking forward to my 'me' time lately, which is cool!

I'm getting into some hobbies and taking care of my health. I very rarely sit at home and am out often enough to meet people. I think I figure if I don't TRY to date, then I'm missing out on something. Know what I mean? But I'm kind of forcing myself out of that habit for the time being. I think it really is about finding the right fit at the right time and I need to kept introspecting for now.

 

You do not have to literally ask everything the other person is looking for, but if their intentions aren't clear then you can at least be clear about yours. For example, I don't have sex without having the STD talk, establishing exclusivity and being clear that I want a committed relationship. It's worked out for me 100% of the time (I have always had at least 3-month relationships with these people). Am I just amazingly lucky? No, it's because I'm discerning about my choice in men and I don't compromise what I want.

Thank you. I think my experience with A and R, I did do that: meaning although their intentions weren't clear, I was clear about mine.

I did not have that talk with A and R before sex, only after. I dunno, both of them volunteered the information that they weren't seeing anyone else, so I guess I took that as 'establishing exclusivity'. But that was after sex, not before. Still, I think we will always have varied opinions on this subject....(see below)

 

You have gotten plenty of contradictory advice on this forum, in no small part because we're all different ages and at different stages in life, with different experiences as well. Don't you think it's notable that the one thing we can agree on is that these guys just aren't into you?

Sure. I can see that. It just isn't very pleasant to admit and I think they are fools

But haven't you felt that way about men before? Haven't you been on a few dates with guys who were sweet, smart, sexy, and very committed, but you knew in the back of your mind they just weren't the ones for you? Sometimes we don't know what we want until we meet the right person. It's natural.

 

Totally! You know, I felt kind of that way about R, like I mentioned and my gf noticed. But yes, I have felt that way in the past though, and I always thought... dang, it's too bad, because he's really great! It just isn't a good fit. And I love that, we don't know what we want until we meet the right person. How corny and cliché it is, and true.

Based on your descriptions I think that B and R are not looking for long-term relationships, while A and Maverick probably are.

Ok, this is an interesting point, although at this point meaningless. I have to agree with you fully as far as B, because he straight up told me so, as clear as he could possibly be. And I respect that he was honest with me about that. I made the mistake of sleeping with him ANYWAY. I totally own that and I set myself up for hurt 100%. I liked him A LOT, he just wasn't on the same page as I was.

A and M said they were looking for something substantial, and R never told me and I never asked. I DO believe that A was looking for something real because I got to know him and he was just a 'real' kind of guy. I think Leigh is right, that it just didn't gel on a deeper level and that's why it ended. Maverick, no idea because it never progressed because he was rude and flaked out on me and I lost interest. The good news is I was never physical with him besides a kiss at the car, so it was much easier to let it go without the sex goggles on.

R... I think he generally IS relationship minded, or does want to be in a relationship at some point, but just isn't in place for it right now, or unable to give more than the bare minimum so he keeps it light and casual with every woman he dates. I don't know. More likely than not, we just didn't gel on a deeper level either. If we did, we'd still be seeing each other and falling in love at close to two months in. That didn't happen.

So I can wrack my brain and be pissed thinking he was just in it to get laid and fed me pretty words to get sex, or I can find peace and closure in it in that we just weren't a good fit. Or as Chimp likes to call it, we were "just not that into" each other!

Which is why I see the great benefit in WAITING until you are clear or more certain that you are a good fit before sex enters the picture. I get it now.

Edited February 26, 2015 by venusishername

[Leigh 87]

Venus,

 

Just be patient and enjoy living.

 

It takes most people years to find a suitable partner; you and I also need the strong sexual attraction component to a relationship, and so that takes several years for most women to find.

 

It'll take you a very long time to find a man who you have the great sexual chemistry with as you did with R, and who is also into you on a deeper level; and who you feel the same way about. In the meanwhile, I think you need to evaluate how badly you NEED to date, and how much you NEED a relationship. Realistically, it won't happen for either of us for a good while, so we may as well learn to become comfortable and secure as single females.

 

It is hard. Sometimes I think " gosh it would be nice to have someone to feel crazy in love with right now; someone to go home to after a long day of lectures and work, and lay next to and cuddle while we watch DVD'S, followed by hot sex" These things are great and they happen to some people but love isn't for everyone. Not every one finds it, hence why many people tend to settle for less than what they want.

 

I get asked " why are you still single". Short answer? The men I have it hot for chemistry wise and sexually speaking - haven't been compatible; and the compatible guys don't get me excited or thrilled at the idea of dating them due to lack of sexual attraction.

 

If you wanted a relationship tomorrow, you could likely find one if you went for a guy who you found to be compatible yet who you lacked a sexual spark for. Now, most people ARE in these type of relationship, where they seek compatible individuals with the ideal qualities in a mate, and THEN they factor in chemistry as an AFTER thought - they CREATE chemistry once they find a great fit who is honourable, reliable and loves them for them. If you are anything like me, which I gather you are in terms of your preference for good chemistry, then sorry to say, but it is going to take us years... possibly several years to a decade, to find a man who we feel hot for and have that intense sexual desire for, and who we are ALSO compatible with long term.

 

I have taken the route of remaining single until my 40's or possibly 50's. And I am coming to terms with that. Because it suits me better than settling down with a man who may be my "best friend" but who I lack passion for in the bedroom due to not having the raw ingredients: naturally intense chemistry and attraction. On the other hand, you REALLY seem to want a family and marriage and you don't want to wait another 10 years for the whole package; passion AND comfort. So you have to choose comfort and create passion after you find the guy who is amazingly compatible with you.

 

If you want a relationship, go for men you're not sexually attracted to at first.

 

Do not go for the men who excite you.

 

GO for the men who are amazing people yet who don't cause you to light up when their texts lights up your phone.

 

Always remember - the men we feel excited about and who's texts we anxiously look forward to - they never end up being the guys who fall for us.

 

Only a tiiiiiiiny portion of women actually end up with the man who they WANT to receive a text from; it is always, for MOST women, the men who we are indifferent about to begin with that end up being our life partners.

 

You need to accept being single for a very long time, as I am doing, OR you need to throw the immediate sexual attraction out the window and go for men who are wonderful people yet who you don't feel like bedding for the first month or two, until their personality well and truly wins you over. It will never be as intense or passionate as your R's and B's....But if you want a long term relationship and a family, THIS is the path you need to take.

 

You will find someone quickly this way and you will have the immense comfort of being able to come home from work, throw your pyjamas on and cuddle your guy in bed while you watch DVD's. You will look back to the excitement and passion you felt with R and B, and you will not trade it for a second for the safe and secure man you have chosen, who you still have good sex with just not explosive. You will think about how amazing it feels for a guy to adore you and cherish you. And again - it is not like you won't like the sex. Sex with a compassionate style of partner that is based on friendship and comfort rather than passion, can still be GREAT sex! It is just not explosive like the men we have strong chemistry with yet who will never want to date us seriously.

 

Stop going after guys who make you excited. Forget the R's and M's and A's of this world please, if you are serious about a relationship. I am not serious about a relationship and I am letting the notion of finding someone go since it isn't likely that I will get strong chemistry and compatibility. There are heaps of guys who would love a relationship with you/us, but we just aren't attracted to them. But they are the ones who will adore you and actually be into you and want something long term!

 

If you want an A or R or M to work out long term - relax and accept that you will be single for a loooooong time!

Edited February 26, 2015 by Leigh 87

[chimpanA-2-chimpanZ]

I disagree with almost every word of the above.

 

It'll take you a very long time to find a man who you have the great sexual chemistry with as you did with R, and who is also into you on a deeper level; and who you feel the same way about.

 

Balderdash. She could crash her car into a guardrail tomorrow and fall headlong in love with the insurance adjuster. Or meet a sexy guy in the canned vegetables aisle at the store. Or the post office, the mall, etc. Part of what makes love so exciting is its unpredictability.

 

If you wanted a relationship tomorrow, you could likely find one if you went for a guy who you found to be compatible yet who you lacked a sexual spark for. Now, most people ARE in these type of relationship, where they seek compatible individuals with the ideal qualities in a mate, and THEN they factor in chemistry as an AFTER thought - they CREATE chemistry once they find a great fit who is honourable, reliable and loves them for them. If you are anything like me, which I gather you are in terms of your preference for good chemistry, then sorry to say, but it is going to take us years... possibly several years to a decade, to find a man who we feel hot for and have that intense sexual desire for, and who we are ALSO compatible with long term.

 

Leigh, you seem to have this notion that the vast majority of people in relationships have "settled" for their partners, that they gave up passion in favor for stability, that people who get married and have happy relationships don't have real chemistry, and so forth. It's absolutely false.

 

I have taken the route of remaining single until my 40's or possibly 50's. And I am coming to terms with that. Because it suits me better than settling down with a man who may be my "best friend" but who I lack passion for in the bedroom due to not having the raw ingredients: naturally intense chemistry and attraction. On the other hand, you REALLY seem to want a family and marriage and you don't want to wait another 10 years for the whole package; passion AND comfort. So you have to choose comfort and create passion after you find the guy who is amazingly compatible with you.

 

Why is it so hard to believe that many people marry someone with whom they share great love and intense sexual chemistry? You come off as incredibly condescending towards people in relationships. "Oh, I'm still single because my standards are JUST SO HIGH, I'm sorry no man can ever meet them, it must be nice that you settled for less than I would." I don't think you actually believe this. Your threads definitely suggest otherwise.

 

Always remember - the men we feel excited about and who's texts we anxiously look forward to - they never end up being the guys who fall for us.

 

Balderdash again. I'm in my late 20s and have had three long-term relationships (including the current one) with men whose texts still excite me every time. I've spoken to friends about this and I'm not an anomaly, either.

 

Only a tiiiiiiiny portion of women actually end up with the man who they WANT to receive a text from; it is always, for MOST women, the men who we are indifferent about to begin with that end up being our life partners.

 

Do you have statistics for this? Yeah, I didn't think so. It honestly sounds like you're trying to make yourself feel better about your situation by telling yourself that women in stable relationships aren't happy and don't get to experience great chemistry. Your advice to Venus is to tell her to settle for less than what she wants because you seem to think strong sexual compatibility and emotional stability are mutually exclusive concepts. They aren't.

 

Sex with a compassionate style of partner that is based on friendship and comfort rather than passion, can still be GREAT sex! It is just not explosive like the men we have strong chemistry with yet who will never want to date us seriously.

 

Why do you keep perpetuating this notion that strong sexual chemistry can't exist between two people who also love and respect each other in a mature adult way? My current boyfriend is a compassionate, supportive partner and the sex is f-ing mindblowing, thank you very much. It's a miracle we haven't been evicted. I understand that isn't always the case but you make it sound like it's practically unheard of, which just isn't true.

 

If you want an A or R or M to work out long term - relax and accept that you will be single for a loooooong time!

 

This just reads like a passive-aggressive taunt. Not nice.

 

Venus, it's true that you shouldn't be putting such a high priority on sexual attraction, but you don't have to forgo the possibility of incredible sex with Mr. Right. I hope you understand now that it's worth spending a little more time with someone beforehand. You will have plenty of chances and plenty of opportunities, so long as you stay smart about the process and don't give up even after a string of horrible first dates (which is inevitable). And don't ever give up hope on the universe. If you had told me a year ago that I would be here with this man I would've laughed until I choked, then called him up so he could laugh until he choked...yet here we are and couldn't be happier. If it can happen to a dweeb like me it can definitely happen to you.

[Leigh 87]

I am trying to be realistic.

 

I wish I could find a guy who's texts excite me and who I feel intense chemistry with AND who I felt a special connection with from the get go.

 

I just assume that intense passion AND comfort are very rare.

 

Most relationship experts agree it is passion or comfort - you settle for a 7 on the chemistry scale in favour of comfort, or you get your intense chemistry and explosive sex, but the relationship is more rocky.

 

Believe me, I wish I could get what my friend has; they felt hyper attracted from moment one, were head over heels and fell fast. They were BOTH into each other from the start. They didn't need to shop around since they were the only people on each others minds.

 

I am realistic though and presume that most relationships don't start with much of a spark or a bang; you get to know someone who is good for you and THEN you develop chemistry second.

 

I AM holding out for what you have. Times 1000. I know I will get it and Venus will, too. It just takes MORE time to get the intense attraction and sexual chemistry AND great compatibility.

 

And that is what everyone on here says in my threads; they you are not supposed to pick the people you're really into at first, and you pick people who are good for you and grow chemistry after the fact.

 

No one on here claims to have felt sparks right away. They all say it grew, and they went for a partner who was good for them. Chemistry grew over time, and it wasn't he intense type but rather, a slow and gradual burn that started slower than some of the other people they had met...

 

Venus is like me in that she goes for men she feels great excitement and attraction towards.

 

I was just trying to tell her that this doesn't happen often, and to hold tight for a few years unless she REALLY wants a relationship and therefore will have to NOT settle, but rather, do things differently.

 

I don't think people settle. Most people don't need to end up with that person that lit their fire like no other. Most people don't need to end up with a person they were infatuated with.

 

It is hard to find it all; great passion and a genuine, pure love with the right person you can build a life with!

 

It takes a lot of time for even attractive women like Venus and I.

 

She is getting antsy albeit she is trying to live and LOVE her own life in the process.

 

I was merely outlining her options; wait longer for both great attraction, infatuation, excitement AND compatibility... or perhaps find someone very compatible and try to build a different, less intense chemistry with a more reliable partner who adores her.

 

I am hanging out for both passion and true comfort.

 

I am fine with waiting the ten or so years it will take me. I don't think Venus is willing to wait years so I am outlining her options in love and relationships. Wait longer for another R who works out, or make the most of a more compatible guy but ditch the need for the intense chemistry and attraction.

[Eighty_nine]

I am trying to be realistic.

 

I wish I could find a guy who's texts excite me and who I feel intense chemistry with AND who I felt a special connection with from the get go.

 

I just assume that intense passion AND comfort are very rare.

 

Most relationship experts agree it is passion or comfort - you settle for a 7 on the chemistry scale in favour of comfort, or you get your intense chemistry and explosive sex, but the relationship is more rocky.

 

Believe me, I wish I could get what my friend has; they felt hyper attracted from moment one, were head over heels and fell fast. They were BOTH into each other from the start. They didn't need to shop around since they were the only people on each others minds.

 

I am realistic though and presume that most relationships don't start with much of a spark or a bang; you get to know someone who is good for you and THEN you develop chemistry second.

 

I AM holding out for what you have. Times 1000. I know I will get it and Venus will, too. It just takes MORE time to get the intense attraction and sexual chemistry AND great compatibility.

 

And that is what everyone on here says in my threads; they you are not supposed to pick the people you're really into at first, and you pick people who are good for you and grow chemistry after the fact.

 

No one on here claims to have felt sparks right away. They all say it grew, and they went for a partner who was good for them. Chemistry grew over time, and it wasn't he intense type but rather, a slow and gradual burn that started slower than some of the other people they had met...

 

Venus is like me in that she goes for men she feels great excitement and attraction towards.

 

I was just trying to tell her that this doesn't happen often, and to hold tight for a few years unless she REALLY wants a relationship and therefore will have to NOT settle, but rather, do things differently.

 

I don't think people settle. Most people don't need to end up with that person that lit their fire like no other. Most people don't need to end up with a person they were infatuated with.

 

It is hard to find it all; great passion and a genuine, pure love with the right person you can build a life with!

 

It takes a lot of time for even attractive women like Venus and I.

 

She is getting antsy albeit she is trying to live and LOVE her own life in the process.

 

I was merely outlining her options; wait longer for both great attraction, infatuation, excitement AND compatibility... or perhaps find someone very compatible and try to build a different, less intense chemistry with a more reliable partner who adores her.

 

I am hanging out for both passion and true comfort.

 

I am fine with waiting the ten or so years it will take me. I don't think Venus is willing to wait years so I am outlining her options in love and relationships. Wait longer for another R who works out, or make the most of a more compatible guy but ditch the need for the intense chemistry and attraction.

 

You're suggesting the same thing you always do, that so many of us settle. Wrong wrong wrong. I have lotsssss of dating experience, I didn't feel an "intense chemistry" from my boyfriend on day 1. it developed- but it's not a 'gradual burn' it's intense chemistry, it's maybe-he's-the-love-of-my-life chemistry. I've been in love only one other time for sure, and he was my best friend first, for 6 months. I don't remember feeling any attraction to him the day we met. Once we realized the connection was there, our chemistry was explosive. The kind of intense and wonderful relationship we ended up having changed my whole life. I think you're totally and completely wrong in your theories.

 

Because actually, the two times I've been crazy in love- neither were intense chemistry from the start. but when those things happened with those people, it was super intense and wonderful WITH a level of comfort and true compatibility. It's insane to say that takes 10 years. If you're writing people off because it's not "immediate" you're missing out, big time.

 

I do feel Venus does that- chases cocky player types. I've had my fair share of that, and those guys are sooooo disappointing (in all ways) compared to the quieter more genuine, interesting men.

Edited February 26, 2015 by lissvarna

[losangelena]

Only a tiiiiiiiny portion of women actually end up with the man who they WANT to receive a text from; it is always, for MOST women, the men who we are indifferent about to begin with that end up being our life partners.

 

LOL, really?

 

This is ... patently false. And laughable. I don't know what you have against chemistry and passion that takes time to build.

 

I don't want to end up with a man I'm infatuated with from minute one. The first man who I felt that way about was textbook narcissist and sociopath who I let nearly ruin my life. The last man I felt that way about (we were kissing an hour after we met) was a drug-addict—clearly, neither one was decent relationship material.

 

Infatuation, by it's very nature, is temporary. Things like passion, connection and chemistry are things that SHOULD take time to build between two people who truly care for and love each other. You give your heart to someone who's earned your trust, someone who's loyal and in it for the right reasons. It's to be built and earned, not felt at the drop of a hat.

 

I did not feel that way with my current BF at first (and by "at first," I mean the first couple of dates), but over time (several weeks), as I got to know him better, the chemistry and passion has grown. I get a huge smile on my face whenever I hear from him. In fact, I look forward to the weeks/months/years in the future when I know my feelings and love for him will be even deeper than they are now.

[Eighty_nine]

LOL, really?

 

This is ... patently false. And laughable. I don't know what you have against chemistry and passion that takes time to build.

 

 

Agreed... somehow I missed that when I first read Leigh's posts. I get the "butterflies" feeling almost every time I get a text from my bf. You're something else with the assumptions Leigh, I really wonder where you're getting these ideas.

[BluEyeL]

LOL, really?

 

This is ... patently false. And laughable. I don't know what you have against chemistry and passion that takes time to build.

 

I don't want to end up with a man I'm infatuated with from minute one. The first man who I felt that way about was textbook narcissist and sociopath who I let nearly ruin my life. The last man I felt that way about (we were kissing an hour after we met) was a drug-addict—clearly, neither one was decent relationship material.

 

Infatuation, by it's very nature, is temporary. Things like passion, connection and chemistry are things that SHOULD take time to build between two people who truly care for and love each other. You give your heart to someone who's earned your trust, someone who's loyal and in it for the right reasons. It's to be built and earned, not felt at the drop of a hat.

 

I did not feel that way with my current BF at first (and by "at first," I mean the first couple of dates), but over time (several weeks), as I got to know him better, the chemistry and passion has grown. I get a huge smile on my face whenever I hear from him. In fact, I look forward to the weeks/months/years in the future when I know my feelings and love for him will be even deeper than they are now.

 

Similar for me. Now, while at work, I keep opening up a picture of us from time to time, look at it and feel so happy. I'm immensely grateful I found him. Nobody compares.

[Weezy1973]

Another important factor (although not really a solution in any way) is that both Venus and Leigh (and many other women on this forum) have the same problem and that is low self worth. That is they feel inherently unworthy of being loved.

 

The symptoms of this are pretty apparent. Primarily what they value in themselves is how desirable they are sexually. And both Venus and Leigh describe themselves as being a "good catch" in these terms. For both of them their looks and sex appeal (in their opinion) are why men should want to be with them long term.

 

And when low self worth is the core of the issue, they try to plug that hole. It is no wonder that both of them feel incredibly "attracted" to men that pursue them full on from the very beginning, without actually knowing anything about them. It's like a drug. The men are validating that V & L are desirable and then they get their "fix" of feeling worthy of love, although it is always fleeting. And then they have withdrawal symptoms where they crave that feeling again and again and try to justify their actions which results in circular thinking and is why us followers get more and more frustrated.

 

They have to break the cycle. Which is done by acting in ways that are conducive to achieving what they really want - a long term, intimate, monogamous relationship. And they have to act those ways regardless of how they feel - in fact, in spite of how they feel. Because how they feel is not useful, or conducive in any way, to getting into a meaningful, long term relationship.

 

But they will likely fight it. Like any addict.

[sagamore]

I don't have any advice for now. I just want to say, Venus, that I imagine you as the beautiful, lovable heroine in a romantic comedy - the girl who always falls for the wrong guy (to the sighs and collective head-slaps of the viewing audience) but, damnit, you just can't help but root for her! You want her to find the love she deserves! One of these days I hope all of us will have the pleasure of seeing you ride off into the sunset of love while the credits roll. In the meantime, I hope you'll keep posting so I can keep rooting for ya

[fitnessfan365]

I don't have any advice for now. I just want to say, Venus, that I imagine you as the beautiful, lovable heroine in a romantic comedy - the girl who always falls for the wrong guy (to the sighs and collective head-slaps of the viewing audience) but, damnit, you just can't help but root for her! You want her to find the love she deserves! One of these days I hope all of us will have the pleasure of seeing you ride off into the sunset of love while the credits roll. In the meantime, I hope you'll keep posting so I can keep rooting for ya

 

Yeah the problem with this though, is that no one ever wants to call the girl on the fact that SHE CHOSE THEM. If someone meets the wrong type of person here and there, it's to be expected because dating is a numbers game with trial and error. But if the bad choices are consistent, you have to stop blaming the "wrong guys" and focus on the woman who does the picking.

[Leigh 87]

I personally don't have low self worth. I think I'm an absolutely generous and lovely person.

 

I don't let men treat me like crap and I don't settle for crumbs.

 

My mind is my best asset I just happen to have sex appeal as well which has not helped me in selecting the right partner.

 

I need a guy to find me sexually attractive and pretty right away and that won't ever change. I don't date men who have to warm up to me attraction wise. The thing that HAS changed with me, is that I know the immediate attraction ONLY serves to get the ball rolling. The it'd purely about getting to know one another on an intimate personal level.I stay out of the bedroom now. I let my looks me the draw and my personality and the essence of who I am is what will dictate a man's actions..the ones who bail were only in it for sex. The ones who stick around and express rigour and passion surrounding getting to know me, SANS sex, are keepers.

 

I will always go for men who find me immediately attractive and who I feel the spark with. It's what I do after that matters. How we first MEET out partners has no bearing on the prognosis of the potential relationship.....

 

Venus just needs to slow down and make sure that I can shows a keen interest in getting to know her outside of the bedroom, because the sex is distorting the truth..the men are intended looks but not her as a woman and so they stick around and Venus gets excited about their texts and calls in the interim.

 

Some couples sleep together right away and get married sure. But Venus sleeping with men early on is only serving to confuse her..because when you sleep with men who just aren't that into you, you risk getting happy and excited by men who only find you hot and who have no inclinations of deep emotions ornate desire for a relationship with you.

 

No sex until exclusively is established would serve women like me and Venus well, because we won't get a false sense of what things could be like ; the men know from first sleeping with us how they feel. A man knows from first sleeping with a woman the sort of level of emotions that could be dormant and possible for her. A man knows what sleeping with a fwb versus a serious dating prospect both feel like.

 

We could have great chemistry with these men who sleep with us early and have a good date or two with them. Then we will assume they could be interested when they know all along they aren't that into us... And we would have known all along if they weren't that into us if we ad kept out of the bedroom and let them get to know us.

 

Early sex is giving Venus false hope..as these guys sure don't make much of an effort to get to know her outside of the bedroom.

[venusishername]

Another important factor (although not really a solution in any way) is that both Venus and Leigh (and many other women on this forum) have the same problem and that is low self worth. That is they feel inherently unworthy of being loved.

The symptoms of this are pretty apparent. Primarily what they value in themselves is how desirable they are sexually. And both Venus and Leigh describe themselves as being a "good catch" in these terms. For both of them their looks and sex appeal (in their opinion) are why men should want to be with them long term.

And when low self worth is the core of the issue, they try to plug that hole. It is no wonder that both of them feel incredibly "attracted" to men that pursue them full on from the very beginning, without actually knowing anything about them. It's like a drug. The men are validating that V & L are desirable and then they get their "fix" of feeling worthy of love, although it is always fleeting. And then they have withdrawal symptoms where they crave that feeling again and again and try to justify their actions which results in circular thinking and is why us followers get more and more frustrated.

They have to break the cycle. Which is done by acting in ways that are conducive to achieving what they really want - a long term, intimate, monogamous relationship. And they have to act those ways regardless of how they feel - in fact, in spite of how they feel. Because how they feel is not useful, or conducive in any way, to getting into a meaningful, long term relationship.

But they will likely fight it. Like any addict.

Weezy, you really do get to the core of the issue. One of my female family members (a mother figure to me) said my problem is that I 'lead with sex'... not that I'm easy, but like you said: that I see more of my 'worth' based on my sex appeal and attractiveness. Absolutely I feed on men's validation that (they think) I'm desirable and attractive and sexy. When it ends or delays, I crave more so the VALIDATION rather than the man himself who gave it to me. It's not a conscious choice. It just is. Like you said, it's an 'addiction'. Then I think out of anger, 'they just wanted to screw me'... but that's not necessarily true at all!! The problem is that I think that. It's low self esteem. I have generally good self esteem but it's certainly a weak point for me when it comes to men and sex. So, the best choice for me is to take sex off the table from now on and 'lead' with the other great qualities I possess.

It's hard not to be attracted to a certain type of person who fulfills that 'need', I will say that.

I don't have any advice for now. I just want to say, Venus, that I imagine you as the beautiful, lovable heroine in a romantic comedy - the girl who always falls for the wrong guy (to the sighs and collective head-slaps of the viewing audience) but, damnit, you just can't help but root for her! You want her to find the love she deserves! One of these days I hope all of us will have the pleasure of seeing you ride off into the sunset of love while the credits roll. In the meantime, I hope you'll keep posting so I can keep rooting for ya

Thank you sagamore, that is so sweet! I had an image of Reese Witherspoon, although I like to think of myself more of an Elizabeth Taylor type of woman

I have nothing to post for now as far as updates... because I'm not seeing or interested in seeing anyone right now. I'm not really actively trying to date, but I did reactivate another dating site (other than Tinder) just to look. I have to say, it's just as I remember: I get so many stupid messages and inappropriate sexual propositions, or messages from men I would never in a million years talk to. Never got that on Tinder, which is why I still prefer it.

Here's an example of some message I get on the other dating site: "I'd really love to *f* you in the a**", or "I don't usually ask people this, but is your profile real? You must be a model or actress lol" ; vs. Tinder: Hi there, how are you? You have a beautiful smile. How was your weekend?" Hmmm... which medium would you choose?!?

I still hate online dating, but I figure it's ok that I at least put myself out there. I haven't communicated with more than one person since I reactivated...who seemed totally great and said in his profile he was looking for a serious relationship. Never heard from him again.

 

I

Venus just needs to slow down and make sure that I can shows a keen interest in getting to know her outside of the bedroom, because the sex is distorting the truth..the men are intended looks but not her as a woman and so they stick around and Venus gets excited about their texts and calls in the interim.

Early sex is giving Venus false hope..as these guys sure don't make much of an effort to get to know her outside of the bedroom.

 

I think you're definitely overly generalizing this. Of course that's not the case with all the guys I've dated, don't be silly. With A, he was genuinely interested in spending time with me and getting to know me. I know that because we spent the majority of the time we dated on DATES and having coffee or walking to get ice cream or cooking dinner together.... NOT in bed.

With R, yes.. it became crystal clear when I left the morning after V day... and he didn't want to get coffee with me or plan ahead for the next time. Despite what he SAID the night before about how he wanted to spend more time with me and get to know me, 'when are you going to invite me to your place? I'd like to see it; I'd like to hear your music and try your baking, etc.' That's nice and all, but he never followed through. That proved to me that he didn't care much to get to know me outside of the bedroom. Maybe he thought he would like to do those things, but the conclusion I've come to is that he just didn't feel like making that effort, otherwise I'd still be seeing him.

Here's the difference and it has nothing to do with early sex; it has to do with someone making the effort and interest in getting to know you outside the bedroom: my ex and I started off with the same hot sexual chemistry and early sex as I did with R. The morning after one of the early nights we spent together he asked me to dinner that same night. Always kept in touch. Told me he'd like us to meet for coffee, and be friends too; gave me his work email, personal email, address, and that I should get in touch with him. I didn't for awhile and he contacted me asking 'what happened? and Would you like to have drinks next week?" I can't compare every man to my ex, obviously... but simply: he chose to get to know me outside the bedroom, without sex as the factor for awhile, and it happened to ignite quickly. We fell in love during the time there was nothing physical happening between us and we focused on getting to know each other. It was very nice, and I'd like that again.

 

I deleted R's number last night and it felt great

I am SURE I will be running into him as we live in the same neighborhood.... and I still think in the back of my mind that maybe he has been out of commission and unavailable and he might resurface any day now. Or not.

 

There was a few days there that I really wanted to reach out and text him 'what happened?', and thought 'maybe I gave him mixed signals' (which is totally possible, I admit that).. but then I realized: Why would I chase someone who turned me down for coffee the morning after, and never made a plan to follow through, never contacted me again???

Even if he WAS confused as to how I felt, or in fact very busy, he would've not let the connection drop. I stand firm in that if a man really is into you, if you go quiet, he inquires and makes a point to connect. Actually, R did that at one point. But this last time he stopped.

 

So... I think I handled this last situation with class...it was very tempting to contact him but I think when (not if) we run into each other again, I will have some closure or get some 'answers' that way. It could go one of two ways: We talk, and he doesn't or he does ask to see me again. Just preparing for the inevitable that we bump into each other.

Weezy's point is correct on this one: seeing R right now and getting that validation that he DOES still want to see me would be very satisfying, even if I declined. The tempting factor is the hot sex and affection he gives so well, the 'high' I get from his lustful looks and the hand holding and arms around me. The sad truth is he could be anyone: I overlook the important stuff and hone in on the way a man makes me FEEL about myself, not the way I feel about HIM. That's why I referred to it as 'sex goggles'. It's been my drug of choice and I need to kick it if I don't want to spend the rest of my life single.

Edited February 27, 2015 by venusishername

[Leigh 87]

I'm glad you're so resilient.

 

I've personally given up on love. I don't believe I'll find someone who I have great sexual chemistry with and who is my best friend as well.

 

I hope love happens for you soon. I guess the perk of staying single is that's at least you avoid the potential to be hurt.

 

I am over going on copious amounts of dates every week when the same thing happens every time: the guys I'm attracted to sexually and I want to get to know are never into me.

 

My men that I date are honest though and they don't try to get sex...they make it known that they just aren't into me. They don't ask for a second date although the first dates are always fun and enjoyable.

 

I admire that you haven't given up Venus...

 

As for me? I guess I'm 28 and I feel that love simply isn't for me. It doesn't happen for everyone.

 

Date after date after date of men who are just never that into me wears thin. It makes me annoyed when a man I ma simply not sexually attracted to DOES give me the time of day... That is how I know that I just don't need a relationship that badly; I'd get into a relationship with one of the suitors who are all into me, and throw explosive sex out the window in favour of comfort and security since those guys do actually adore me.

 

 

Just take sex off the table and really think whether or not these men are what YOU want rather than hoping they will call YOU, bare in mind that you don't want venue.know yet how good of a man they are........

 

 

Good luck. And I'm out.

 

 

I won't be going on dates for me to speculate and offer up advice now.

[Eighty_nine]

Venus, it's not the medium. I got plenty of inappropriate messages on tindr and on Okc messages from guys I'd never be into, etc. none of that bothered me, I just ignored and responded to the ones who might be a fit. It didn't seem challenging to me- although I fell in love from an OLD site, so I'm a fan of them now where I was a skeptic before (I've always met the people I dated through work or friends). Leigh, don't be so negative. Dating sucks much of the time. You just have to stick it out.

[trolloperative]

The plan on Vday was for you to invite him to your place for dinner, baking, music but you didn't. Why?

 

Maybe I'm missing something.. haven't read the recent posts.

 

Also, Tinder (in the U.S.) is a hook-up app regardless of what's in their profiles, guys say anything to get what they want. You're better off on Match and putting in the work.

[Weezy1973]

One of my female family members (a mother figure to me) said my problem is that I 'lead with sex'... not that I'm easy, but like you said: that I see more of my 'worth' based on my sex appeal and attractiveness. Absolutely I feed on men's validation that (they think) I'm desirable and attractive and sexy. When it ends or delays, I crave more so the VALIDATION rather than the man himself who gave it to me. It's not a conscious choice. It just is. Like you said, it's an 'addiction'.

 

Venus, I'm so happy that you recognize this! This is a first step; the second step is to recognize your "warped" thinking. Warped thinking is very common with any addict. But as an example...

 

I want a relationship NOW, not in a few years!

 

 

That's you. In no uncertain terms, you want a relationship.

 

 

 

If he calls, I think his purpose (as it's always been) will be to spend time with a woman he finds pretty and attractive and sexy, for good company and hopefully more great sex.

 

 

This is also you. Please explain how being pretty, attractive, and sexy makes you good relationship material? Wouldn't you prefer to be with a man that waits to discover your core qualities (not the superficial ones you listed) before deciding he wants to have sex with you?

 

 

 

 

The sex was very hot and passionate and we clicked very well in that physical capacity. That's what I want and need!

 

 

The only way you would "need" this is if you were an addict. Like an alcoholic "needing" alcohol to go to a social event. Stop leading with sex.

 

 

 

Pair the flattery and sweet words with an attractive man who is showering you with affection and daily contact, and you really want to believe those words.

 

 

Like an addict...

 

 

 

 

You know, I can't help but think sometimes that these guys ARE or could be relationship minded, they just don't want a relationship with ME. That's a harder pill to swallow than they just aren't 'relationship minded'. But it could be a combo of both.

 

 

 

 

 

That's because you have low self worth. I you didn't, it wouldn't be a hard pill to swallow at all. You would just think, well we weren't a good match. End of story. Good that it ended.

 

It's low self esteem. I have generally good self esteem but it's certainly a weak point for me when it comes to men and sex.

 

It's actually not low self-esteem; it's low self-worth. You can have high self-esteem (like knowing you're attractive, sexy, pretty, fun, etc.) but still have low self-worth. Self-worth has to do with your core; not those superficial qualities. Our cores are very messy and flawed and real. It's the feeling that if somebody knew your core, they wouldn't love you, that is the issue. That's the reason you focus on the superficial.

 

It's hard not to be attracted to a certain type of person who fulfills that 'need', I will say that.

 

That's because you're an addict. It is hard. Addiction counsellors often burn out because kicking addictions is incredibly difficult and the "success" rate is very low.

 

The solution is not easy either. You're going to have to literally fight against your natural instincts. The men you're naturally drawn to are very unlikely to be the men that would make the best long term relationship partners. Such a hard thing to come to terms with.

 

Like trying to be at a social gathering without alcohol for the alcoholic....