My fiancee cheated on me

[SawtoothMars]

I think I have passed the point where I care whether she used protection or not (I don’t want to sound rude). I’m not going to reconcile with her. If I was already married, the scenario would have been different. I’m trying to develop nonchalance; when my thoughts drift to her, I try to think about future, or go to game arcade or do things to make myself busy. My work has been affected for last few days and I plan to remedy that. It still hurts like hell, especially when I’m alone, like while jogging. I read so many posts here, and that doesn’t help. So many people are suffering faith worse than mine; so many relationships shattered because of selfishness of one partner – and the WS even have audacity to claim that they still love BS. May be, they even do in their own selfish, confused way but I can’t empathize with them. I’m very afraid of my next relationship. I can only control myself- be self-sufficient and strong enough to say, “have a good life, now f**king leave me alone” if similar tragedy strikes again. It’s very disheartening and scary, the prospect of future relationship. Will be as trusting? Or racked with suspicion?

I’m just venting.

Anyways, in one of her rambling mail that I got today, she is threatening to come here. This may be her way of eliciting some response from me. She can come here, or go mountaineering, I cannot stop her. I could not stop her from creating this whole mess, anyway. I don’t have any obligation to meet her. One thing is confusing me: shouldn’t she be pining for her AP? Why don’t she leave me alone? I have stopped reading her mails from this day onward.

 

Apathy takes time... don't try to force it.

 

Instead use your anger to cut the emotional ties in your heart. I don't think she expected this reaction from you. There is a chance she was out cheating because she felt you were too weak and powerless to break it off with her. Some women don't consider consequences... but given the timeline here... I think she began cheating way before you left. I think she had her eye on this guy for a while.

 

Cut your ties and heal. As a successful intelligent man there will always be plenty of women who are very interested in you! Take your time to get over this.... but please do not take her back. If you really live in S. Korea... very few women cheat compared to some place like the U.S., where it's like 50% or more.

[JS84]

 

Anyways, in one of her rambling mail that I got today, she is threatening to come here. This may be her way of eliciting some response from me. She can come here, or go mountaineering, I cannot stop her. I could not stop her from creating this whole mess, anyway. I don’t have any obligation to meet her. One thing is confusing me: shouldn’t she be pining for her AP? Why don’t she leave me alone? I have stopped reading her mails from this day onward.

 

Chances are he was a fling she had no intentions of being with long-term. She just thought she could have her fun without getting caught like the vast majority of cheaters. I doubt she ever planned on leaving you (at least not at this point).

 

Like someone else also said, women respond to strong action. Also women want what they can't have or aren't supposed to have. If you had gone to her crying, begging to work on the relationship and for her to stop cheating, etc chances are she would have dumped you. But you took correct action from the start: exposure, ending the relationship, no contact with gf, etc.

 

 

And yes I would also stop reading her mail. Like everyone else I think you made the right call. It's sad people make such bad life altering decisions and then never seem to grasp the consequences of their actions until they're kicking them upside the head.

[star gaze]

DKT3: You were right. The distance is good thing for me as I’m sure it would have been very difficult to think clearly if she were with me while confessing. I might have strongly considered taking her back, what with waterworks and family and all. Yes, I’m planning to limit face to face. My parents’, her parents’ and my apartments are quite nearby, so I’m planning to stay at my friend’s, near my university. Thank you.

 

HereNorThere: Thank you, no more emails, learned the lesson. May be unconsciously I was looking for some grand gesture; some magic words in those emails that would make this mess go away. I realize this now. About AP, I don’t know. In her first fake confession, she told me that they started flirting and texting as soon as I left the country, but I don’t believe that. I think it was a lot longer than that and that it was deliberately planned. She knew I would be out of the country like 4-5 months ago. I think you are right. She was a disposable conquest, he used and threw her. It may not even be her first time. Ughh! I go to seminars and conferences 3-4 times every year! I don’t want to think about that.

 

No Limit: Thank you. There’s nothing to be said and whatever she says would be, most probably, lies to show her in favorable light. You are right. Nowadays, it is becoming so much difficult for me to realize simple, logical and reasonable things in my mind.

I have to erase and relearn so many things about relationship and people.

 

Drifter777: Thank you. About AP and I being Plan B, I actually wrote what you said in my last post but deleted it. From reading WS’s post in this forum, I found that mostly they pine and cry for their AP after the affair ends, and I was thinking why is she not doing that? So, either it was just sexual fling with no emotional attachment (I don’t believe this, IMO very few people, especially women can do this) or she is still seeing him in the side and affair has not ended.

 

Trotters: The other night of her fake confession, she was telling me she would do anything to regain my trust, so I specifically asked her, “Tell me what you would do exactly to regain my trust? Gimme the list”, she just stammered and told me nothing. I asked her repeatedly for honesty. Repeatedly. So what she did was lied to me, lied to her mother and my sister time and again. So many things in her mails still don’t match, which means she is still lying. If our relationship was that bad, she could have told me and I would have busted my ass to mitigate that. She may well learn her lesson and be good girl from now on, but the hurt is so much and memories have dirtied so much that I cringe even remembering her. If she is genuinely sorry, she will not repeat the same thing with next partner.

 

Chi townD: lol. But she may even. From what I heard, she was so hysterical that she did not attend classes for first 2 days.

 

SawtoothMars: Thank you.

Here, in S. Korea too cheating is prevalent (may be not as much as US), especially when we join service. That’s why I did not make girlfriend before being conscripted (but I didn’t have to, I joined masters, so I just had to compulsorily work in the industry that government chose for me). However, marital cheating is less (or so I think). But the thing is, beneath this veneer of normalcy, so much f**ked up things must be going on.

 

JS84: Thank you. You are right. She said the same thing in the mails that it was just fling and that she did not think of consequences. Duh! She did not think that I could get hurt? She thought that I was so lovesick that she can tread all over me? Why don’t the cheaters think of the worst case and long term scenarios? Well, you play, you pay.

[Trimmer]

I said this earlier in the thread now im just talking hypothetically but someone said she has to earn his right to trust her again. I know waterworks isn't enough but maybe she is trying to earn his trust back?.

 

 

Unless he gives her a chance or talks to her he may never know. Could he lose out again when there maybe a remote chance?. Maybe she is genuine now shes realised?

Realized what? Could you spell it out in specific detail, please?

[Trotters]

Realized what? Could you spell it out in specific detail, please?

 

Meaning do you think she even knew who or what she wanted in the first place?. She had her reasons for wanting both men but now has lost both.

[Trimmer]

Maybe she is genuine now shes realised?.

 

Meaning do you think she even knew who or what she wanted in the first place?. She had her reasons for wanting both men but now has lost both.

OK, so you're saying that after becoming his fiancée - which represents a willing commitment to share your life monogamously with a particular person - she needed the experience of carrying on a secret relationship, including multiple incidents of sexual intercourse, in order to "realize what she wanted in the first place?"

 

I'm sorry, but sometimes you break something to a degree that it's not worth fixing, and I grant the OP the right to make that decision in this case.

 

"Realizing what she wants" was what was supposed to happen when she agreed to be married. And if she became unsure, then it was her partner with whom she should have been working out those issues.

 

"Realizing what she wants" isn't enough - by itself - for someone to be a worthy partner. I need a partner to get to that point through an honorable path that reflects her character, and I'm sorry, but cheating on me breaks that.

 

Also, you suggest that she arrived at "realizing what she wants" because "She had her reasons for wanting both men but now has lost both." Really? She now realizes what she wants mostly because she was faced with losing both, and therefore had to choose? So the OP has the proud, confident knowledge that he came out with at least 51% of the vote, after she had the chance to go test someone else out for a while?

 

I don't think I would find that very genuine at all.

[dragon_fly_7]

Honestly, you're doing the right thing Star gaze. Every time I see a post about someone taking back a cheater (even when being married with kids) or thinking about working it out, I definitely think he/she is now settling for less. Here is the reason why.

 

Because by taking back the cheater, how lower can you lower your standards and deal-breakers by then if they already disrespected you in the most disgusting way posible???

 

Basically, when someone takes back a cheater....might as well call yourself a person without standards because nothing on your ''Will not accept list'' will compare to what they did.

Edited November 20, 2014 by dragon_fly_7

[elaine567]

Anyone can say that if their partner cheats there will be NO reconciliations. Many go into relationships with the notion that cheating is a deal breaker.

"if you cheat you are dead to me" is the mantra.

Many cheating spouses know that, but they cheat anyway.

 

When a BS despite saying previously that cheating is the dealbreaker, ends up reconciling with the cheater anyway, the cheater then knows they are in a position of power over the BS.

That can be a big problem, because the BS has to swallow their pride, enter negotiations and lay themselves bare and vulnerable to the cheater, in order to save their marriage.

For some, the total injustice of that situation forces them understandably to just walk away.

[Trotters]

Anyone can say that if their partner cheats there will be NO reconciliations. Many go into relationships with the notion that cheating is a deal breaker.

"if you cheat you are dead to me" is the mantra.

Many cheating spouses know that, but they cheat anyway.

 

When a BS despite saying previously that cheating is the dealbreaker, ends up reconciling with the cheater anyway, the cheater then knows they are in a position of power over the BS.

That can be a big problem, because the BS has to swallow their pride, enter negotiations and lay themselves bare and vulnerable to the cheater, in order to save their marriage.

For some, the total injustice of that situation forces them understandably to just walk away.

 

 

That's a good & valid point. However, why doesn't the BS lay down the law, hence making the cheater vulnerable?. I hear what youre saying though.

[Trimmer]

That's a good & valid point. However, why doesn't the BS lay down the law, hence making the cheater vulnerable?. I hear what youre saying though.

I don't intend this in a mean way, and I want to say it as gently as possible, but I think your approach to this whole situation is naive.

 

Your suggestions come too late. "Maybe now she realizes what she really wanted." Sorry, too late that she did it by cheating and being forced to choose between them, when faced with losing them both. She irreparably damaged the relationship by doing so.

 

"Why doesn't the BS lay down the law and make the cheater vulnerable?" The "law" is understood by partners everywhere when they agree to be exclusive - in its simple and most unambiguous form: you don't f**k other people. Really, can there really be any misunderstanding about this?

 

So the law was already laid down, and it was willfully broken, and covered up with lies. So I'm sorry, but "laying down the law" at this point in the process would be akin to the cycle of letting something bad go by, and saying "OK, but this time, I really really super-duper mean it for sure!" It has no teeth.

 

"Laying down the law" in this way doesn't make the cheater vulnerable; it empowers her, because it teaches her that she can get away with it. She should have known that she would make herself vulnerable by cheating and breaking "the law" the first time. The fact that she didn't is the deal-breaker.

[elaine567]

That's a good & valid point. However, why doesn't the BS lay down the law, hence making the cheater vulnerable?. I hear what youre saying though.

 

The BS DID lay down the law originally, " if you cheat you are out", but when the cheater cheats, the in love BS then takes that law back and attempts to reconcile.

By doing that they show their soft spot and it shows that their laws and deal-breakers are not to be taken seriously, as the consequences outlined for breaking that law are not followed up on.

 

So when the BS lays down the law again "you must stop contact immediately, else you are out", then the WS may not take that as being something set in stone, either.

 

The WS is only really vulnerable if they truly want to continue with the marriage.

Some I guess, are not really that committed, else why did they cheat in the first place?

And some I guess, want an out anyway and the BS "laying down the law" is immaterial, they do what they want anyway, and if it ends the marriage, then so be it.

 

And of course some BSs are in no position of power anyway, whatever the WS does, eg. if they do not own the house, have little rights in the partnership, or the WS is the dominant partner, etc.

[Trotters]

The BS DID lay down the law originally, " if you cheat you are out", but when the cheater cheats, the in love BS then takes that law back and attempts to reconcile.

By doing that they show their soft spot and it shows that their laws and deal-breakers are not to be taken seriously, as the consequences outlined for breaking that law are not followed up on.

 

So when the BS lays down the law again "you must stop contact immediately, else you are out", then the WS may not take that as being something set in stone, either.

 

The WS is only really vulnerable if they truly want to continue with the marriage.

Some I guess, are not really that committed, else why did they cheat in the first place?

And some I guess, want an out anyway and the BS "laying down the law" is immaterial, they do what they want anyway, and if it ends the marriage, then so be it.

 

And of course some BSs are in no position of power anyway, whatever the WS does, eg. if they do not own the house, have little rights in the partnership, or the WS is the dominant partner, etc.

I like your way of thinking & I agree. The only reason for my questions is to try to get another perspective instead of all the "You cheat & youre out". Ive been on other websites I cant quite figure out the ratio but theres still a lot of people who say things like, "Consider what you will lose", Think of what made you fall in love with your H/W in the first place & try to get that back" etc.

 

 

Take a look at other peoples opinions & advice here...

https://uk.answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20141121164000AAOX24f

[elaine567]

Whether the BS wants to attempt reconciliation, depends on the circumstances of the cheating, if there is a drunken ONS and a very remorseful partner that is vastly different from recurrent drunken ONSs and a partner who then says when caught, "It was one of those things, like it or lump it."

ONSs are different from longer term affairs and a month long affair may be seen as OK by the BS, if the marriage was going through a rocky patch, but not if the marriage seemed to be going really well. Longer affairs may be tolerated if it was only for sex, but sometimes not if it involved love or a deeper affection.

A BS with three kids and a long marriage, may be more keen on reconciliation, than someone with a 1-2 year history and no kids.

Someone who has an entangled relationship, ie they work together have a business together, own property together, have dependent relatives, children etc. are more likely to want to work something out, than two single people sharing a rented flat, who can each walk out with a suitcase and never look back.

 

It also depends on the type of people involved some are pretty liberal and laid back, whilst others can hardly cope with their partner looking at someone of the opposite sex, nevermind a full blown affair.

[Friskyone4u]

StarGaze

Glad you are staying on track. She can travel to where you are but she cannot force you to have any interaction with her. You are correct. This was probably going on a lot longer than you know.

You do not need her and stay away from ber

[star gaze]

Hello everyone.

 

It’s just an update. I will be returning home tomorrow. This past month was grueling experience; I’m not out of the woods yet. I’m just living by nowadays. I don’t want to face my ex-fiancée so I changed my flight to another airport, from where I will take bus to my home town. Because of some circumstances, I will stay at my parent’s for about a month, but before that I will go to my apartment and pack all the things that belongs to ex and courier it to her house. My little sister already asked my ex-fiancee to take her things out of my apartment and she has already changed the door‘s password (number?). My best friend and my cousin told me that I should not be afraid of facing my ex-fiancee as it was not my fault and that I should be able to walk with my head held high. It’s not that I’m afraid of her; I just don’t like drama and I know my ex-fiancee is a pro at it. For about a week, I read many post here in LS and there are so many posts that are pretty f**ked up and disconcerting. I also realized that it’s very easy to cheat, I could have done it here and nobody in home would know. I also realized that I’m less trusting (not only of girls but of everybody) which I don’t like at all and I hope it will pass away. It’s a very bad feeling. Thank you everybody who helped me in this difficult time. I will post updates if any.

[lolablue17]

I wish you all the best in the world.

 

You handled the situation with a lot of inspiration, in a dignified way. I admire you for finding strength and sanity in this crazy situation!

 

Best...