My fiancee cheated on me

[Trotters]

It's not just visible in this forum, it's visible all around you in real life relationships. How many cheaters actually do regret, how many cheaters ever give away more than the one time they were caught, and not the many times before (and after)?

 

Not all here have been through divorce and heartbreak themselves - me, for example. I've only once gone for the "reconciliation"-vote in a thread. Kids have a big influence on decisions like staying together or not, it affects their whole life after all, their entire childhood, which makes it all the sadder that people who claim to love their children actually go the route to endanger it at all.

 

But why set star gaze up for experiences like this? He has not yet taken up big responsibilities like that, and there's no reason at all to encourage him to stay with someone like his ex.

 

 

I agree, I just thought there may be some remote possibility that if they did get married & had children she may settle down especially as she/they would have more responsibilities, and not cheat again. My thoughts were if they had kids she would come to her senses & grow up/mature. Just way I was thinking of the future situation.

[HereNorThere]

I agree, I just thought there may be some remote possibility that if they did get married & had children she may settle down especially as she/they would have more responsibilities, and not cheat again. My thoughts were if they had kids she would come to her senses & grow up/mature. Just way I was thinking of the future situation.

 

Actually, a woman's chances for infidelity actually go up quite a bit (temporarily) after the birth of her first child. Changes in the focus of the relationship, post-partum depression, hormonal changes, psychical appearance changes and many other factors play a role in this.

 

A relationship should be at its peak performance when embarking on the journey of having children. For most couples, it puts a strain on their relationship instead of solidifying it. Plus, it's NEVER wise to have a child with someone you know is irresponsible. That makes you irresponsible.

[elaine567]

I agree, I just thought there may be some remote possibility that if they did get married & had children she may settle down especially as she/they would have more responsibilities, and not cheat again. My thoughts were if they had kids she would come to her senses & grow up/mature. Just way I was thinking of the future situation.

 

But that is a big gamble for the OP to take.

Most people tend at some point to show us exactly who they are, but "love" and the excitement of new relationships makes us blind, we do not want to see our loved and chosen one in a bad light, so we ignore and we excuse.

So many in failed relationships, regret that they did not take action, when looking back, it was glaringly obvious, why it was never going to work.

 

In this case, the fiancee has showed up spectacularly who she really is, to ignore that or to gloss over or to assume she will gain responsibility with advancing years is IMO a recipe for disaster, due to two things.

One she may indeed be a serial cheater or may even chose to continue this relationship secretly, and two, there is a loss of trust here, a loss of trust that will not just disappear and that is not a great way to start a long term relationship.

[Trotters]

I think that considering this as having either a YES/NO answer is oversimplifying it. Also, I think that people who use that "better to break up and be happy for the kids" line are sometimes trying to justify themselves. This is a complex issue without obvious answers, and there's a whole spectrum of considerations that go into it. That's why, when there are NOT kids, it seems like such a less complicated decision to consider.

 

 

In my case, I went through it myself. My wife cheated on me 7 or 8 years after we were together (and about 3 after we married.) I wanted to "fix it", to get back to the way things were, but I didn't recognize at the time just how much this broke things, and we "fixed" it by just moving on and ignoring it - trying to pretend like things were like they were before.

 

Ultimately, another 10 years and 2 kids later, things finally came apart for good. With the exception of my children, whom I couldn't imagine my life without, I wish I had taken a much stronger stance at that first incident of cheating, possibly even to the degree of ending the relationship.

 

So that's where my own firm position comes from: the experience of not having taken a firm position, and regretting it later.

 

The act of cheating is so nasty, so anti-social, so selfish and thoughtless, that I can understand and support someone who decides that this is a deal-breaker and that they don't want to move forward with the relationship. And especially if kids are not involved, I wouldn't badger anyone who made that choice with "you should stick it out and work on things...", unless they really felt strongly that way themselves.

 

I also agree with HereNorThere's point that cheating is as much an indicator of one's character and personality as it is an isolated event or a simple mistake. Being able to look at it this way "back then" might have helped me come to a different decision about how I would move forward in my own life.

 

 

Did you feel "used"?. I don't mean to pry just wondering from what you told me/us.

[Darren Steez]

WHAT!!? 11 times? Sheesh.

 

Seriously even if you did forgive her, chances are she would do it again in the future. I don't buy this wanting to screw before settling down stuff at all.

 

What's to stop someone then screwing around after settling down? Justifications can be used to fit any scenario rather than the painful truth. I was attracted and I wanted to bang.

 

Anyway you've done right by dumping her. Good luck

[drifter777]

Family pressure would be a horrible reason to "take her back". They are telling you "who cares about you and your well being". They are ashamed of your Ex and want you to sacrifice your life for their pride's sake.

 

You are making progress and on the right track to recovery. Not dating for a year or so is also a good plan. Stay strong!

[elaine567]

You miss my point.

The OP's fiancee was obviously "irresistible" to the OM.

Tact.

[bubbaganoosh]

Star Gaze. Got to tell you that your handling this well and I got a feeling that your going to come out of this alright.

 

The one this you have to do right now is think WHAT IS BEST FOR YOU, not what's best for you and her. She showed you her hand and now that you saw it, what you need to do is continue on with improving yourself and moving on.

 

If it was me, I would tell her, that you don't want to here from her any longer and if need be, block her phone number from your phone. I would also let all the people who are her surrogates in this calling you and putting in good words for her to cease and desist because you don't want to here their opinions or suggestions and you can do this in a way and make it polite but firm because the more these people keep contacting you, the harder it will be to move on.

 

Concentrate on your career and your life and you'll find the right girl in time. Good luck

[HereNorThere]

I just want to let star gaze know that he didn't waste 4 years of his life. You were alive, enjoying yourself, losing your virginity and yes, even the things that were said by her were true....then.

 

On a long enough time scale, ALL relationships come to end. Our relationships with people, human's relationships with the earth, the earth's relationship with the sun, time's relationship with space and eventually the Universe's relationship with its own existence.

 

Be grateful that you had your brief moment and first taste of love, even if it was a little bitter sweet. You learned so much from this and now you get to take what you've learned and start a better, stronger relationship with someone who will treat you well. You didn't have this capacity before and I PROMISE you, your life will be better and more fulfilling because you know more about yourself and human behavior.

 

Till this day, I am still grateful from what I learned in previous relationships regardless of how they ended. Maybe the next girl will give you the gift of more emotional intelligence or maybe the next one will show you a mind blowing sexual experience that you didn't know existed. Those are things that happened to me, so I know they can happen to you.

[BeholdtheMan]

I might even have taken her back, as whole family and friend would have descended upon me like avalanche.

 

Hmm...on me, that has the opposite effect.

 

The more third parties try to persuade me to sacrifice my principles, the less likely I am to do what they want

[aliveagain]

You made the right choice. They always minimize, it's always worse than what they tell you, they almost never use protection specially if they have had sex multiple times. She would never have confessed if she wasn't caught cheating. She is poor wife material. You dodged a bullet friend.

[Trotters]

You made the right choice. They always minimize, it's always worse than what they tell you, they almost never use protection specially if they have had sex multiple times. She would never have confessed if she wasn't caught cheating. She is poor wife material. You dodged a bullet friend.

 

Why dont they use protection?

[aliveagain]

Why dont they use protection?

 

 

The exchange of body fluids is part of the rush. My ex's affair child is proof in my situation. There were days when O/M and I probably had sex with her on the same day without knowing.

[oldshirt]

Why dont they use protection?

 

Using protection is responsible and displays forethought and preparation and requires restraint.

 

Affairs are the very embodiment of irresponsibility, impulsiveness and lack of restraint. and the battle cry of all cheaters is, "...it just happened!" Impulsiveness and lack of planning is part of their justification (even though it's a lie as they intentionally move forward at every step of a long, multi step process)

[BeholdtheMan]

I’m also no slouch in the look’s department (if I may say so);

 

This is good to hear. This means that 1. you have confidence and 2. you're good-looking (if what you say is true)

 

If you're a confident, good-looking man, you have options. You're not some desperate schmuck clinging to his cheating fiance.

 

I would advise detaching as quickly as possible. It's tough I know...but just think of how luck you are. You found out. Some guys (and gals) never find out about their cheating partners/fiances/spouses. YOU FOUND OUT! Congratulations.

 

You have dodged that bullet, avoided marriage with a cheater! I say again CONGRATULATIONS. You're also free to date any woman you want now! Double fist pump! You have to look on the bright side and power through your pain. Don't let it drag you down. You actually have a lot to look forward to

[HereNorThere]

Why dont they use protection?

 

I don't think it's so much of a thrill factor as it just the normal. Most people in long term relationships don't use or keep condoms, so it's not really on their mind. Single people are used to using them and having them on hand, so it just feels more natural (no pun intended.)

[star gaze]

I think I have passed the point where I care whether she used protection or not (I don’t want to sound rude). I’m not going to reconcile with her. If I was already married, the scenario would have been different. I’m trying to develop nonchalance; when my thoughts drift to her, I try to think about future, or go to game arcade or do things to make myself busy. My work has been affected for last few days and I plan to remedy that. It still hurts like hell, especially when I’m alone, like while jogging. I read so many posts here, and that doesn’t help. So many people are suffering faith worse than mine; so many relationships shattered because of selfishness of one partner – and the WS even have audacity to claim that they still love BS. May be, they even do in their own selfish, confused way but I can’t empathize with them. I’m very afraid of my next relationship. I can only control myself- be self-sufficient and strong enough to say, “have a good life, now f**king leave me alone” if similar tragedy strikes again. It’s very disheartening and scary, the prospect of future relationship. Will be as trusting? Or racked with suspicion?

I’m just venting.

 

Anyways, in one of her rambling mail that I got today, she is threatening to come here. This may be her way of eliciting some response from me. She can come here, or go mountaineering, I cannot stop her. I could not stop her from creating this whole mess, anyway. I don’t have any obligation to meet her. One thing is confusing me: shouldn’t she be pining for her AP? Why don’t she leave me alone? I have stopped reading her mails from this day onward.

[DKT3]

I think I have passed the point where I care whether she used protection or not (I don’t want to sound rude). I’m not going to reconcile with her. If I was already married, the scenario would have been different. I’m trying to develop nonchalance; when my thoughts drift to her, I try to think about future, or go to game arcade or do things to make myself busy. My work has been affected for last few days and I plan to remedy that. It still hurts like hell, especially when I’m alone, like while jogging. I read so many posts here, and that doesn’t help. So many people are suffering faith worse than mine; so many relationships shattered because of selfishness of one partner – and the WS even have audacity to claim that they still love BS. May be, they even do in their own selfish, confused way but I can’t empathize with them. I’m very afraid of my next relationship. I can only control myself- be self-sufficient and strong enough to say, “have a good life, now f**king leave me alone” if similar tragedy strikes again. It’s very disheartening and scary, the prospect of future relationship. Will be as trusting? Or racked with suspicion?

I’m just venting.

 

Anyways, in one of her rambling mail that I got today, she is threatening to come here. This may be her way of eliciting some response from me. She can come here, or go mountaineering, I cannot stop her. I could not stop her from creating this whole mess, anyway. I don’t have any obligation to meet her. One thing is confusing me: shouldn’t she be pining for her AP? Why don’t she leave me alone? I have stopped reading her mails from this day onward.

 

Women respond to strong actions, these has never been any clearer then right here in your situation.

 

She isn't pining for the AP because she has lost control of you, this has changed her focus.

 

Don't spend much time thinking about future relationships and what impact this will have on them. Take your time and get over this one.

 

A word of wisdom, when I told you the distance is a great position, seeing her will still chip away at the stance you've taken. When she turns on the waterworks it will get to you, that part that has been her protector, her shield will want to help her. Limit face to face as much as you can.

[HereNorThere]

I think I have passed the point where I care whether she used protection or not (I don’t want to sound rude). I’m not going to reconcile with her. If I was already married, the scenario would have been different. I’m trying to develop nonchalance; when my thoughts drift to her, I try to think about future, or go to game arcade or do things to make myself busy. My work has been affected for last few days and I plan to remedy that. It still hurts like hell, especially when I’m alone, like while jogging. I read so many posts here, and that doesn’t help. So many people are suffering faith worse than mine; so many relationships shattered because of selfishness of one partner – and the WS even have audacity to claim that they still love BS. May be, they even do in their own selfish, confused way but I can’t empathize with them. I’m very afraid of my next relationship. I can only control myself- be self-sufficient and strong enough to say, “have a good life, now f**king leave me alone” if similar tragedy strikes again. It’s very disheartening and scary, the prospect of future relationship. Will be as trusting? Or racked with suspicion?

I’m just venting.

 

Anyways, in one of her rambling mail that I got today, she is threatening to come here. This may be her way of eliciting some response from me. She can come here, or go mountaineering, I cannot stop her. I could not stop her from creating this whole mess, anyway. I don’t have any obligation to meet her. One thing is confusing me: shouldn’t she be pining for her AP? Why don’t she leave me alone? I have stopped reading her mails from this day onward.

 

It sounds like you're on the right path. Stay strong and don't let her emotionally manipulate you.

 

Maybe it's time to set up and email rule that automagically deletes or marks her messages a spam. It's too distracting, plus, who wants their stomach to drop every time they open their account?

 

You asked, "shouldn't she be pining for her ap?" but you're assuming he was a good guy who treated her well. Chances are she got "pumped and dumped." You already know he isn't a good guy with high standards if he was willing to settle for your leftovers. I'm sure he just got in and out really quick and dumped her ass and now she's left with nothing.

 

Chances are she didn't choose because he was better. A big percentage of people on here actually cheat down because they started taking their partner for granted. He was just there and she's a selfish opportunist. If it wasn't him, it would have been someone else. And who's to say it hasn't been? She got caught this time, but that doesn't mean it was the first time.

[No Limit]

I think it is time you stop reacting to her attempts at contacting you. There's nothing left to be said. And with her being a serial cheater it doesn't matter what she says anymore, it's not like you can take her word for real anyway. Might as well spend the time writing letters for Santa.

[drifter777]

...

One thing is confusing me: shouldn’t she be pining for her AP? Why don’t she leave me alone? I have stopped reading her mails from this day onward.

It is confusing to you because you are still stunned over what she has done to you. Here's the thing: you don't know that she's not "managing" her AP while trying to "manage" you. Remember, her choice was to have you both. Each of you, individually, are plan B. Her plan A was to marry you for security and companionship and use this AP (maybe others in the future) for passionate, nasty sex.

 

Good choice to stop reading her emails. They are all just her desperate attempt to control you, get you back, and then continue her relationship with you & AP. That would be her dream outcome to all of this.

[Trotters]

I said this earlier in the thread now im just talking hypothetically but someone said she has to earn his right to trust her again. I know waterworks isn't enough but maybe she is trying to earn his trust back?.

 

 

Unless he gives her a chance or talks to her he may never know. Could he lose out again when there maybe a remote chance?. Maybe she is genuine now shes realised?.

 

 

Just saying.

[No Limit]

I said this earlier in the thread now im just talking hypothetically but someone said she has to earn his right to trust her again. I know waterworks isn't enough but maybe she is trying to earn his trust back?.

 

 

Unless he gives her a chance or talks to her he may never know. Could he lose out again when there maybe a remote chance?. Maybe she is genuine now shes realised?.

 

 

Just saying.

 

Nobody needs a wife like that. Especially when nothing is signed yet and all parties can spare the amount of time, pain and money that will go to waste if he'd take her back.

[HereNorThere]

I said this earlier in the thread now im just talking hypothetically but someone said she has to earn his right to trust her again. I know waterworks isn't enough but maybe she is trying to earn his trust back?.

 

 

Unless he gives her a chance or talks to her he may never know. Could he lose out again when there maybe a remote chance?. Maybe she is genuine now shes realised?.

 

 

Just saying.

 

 

Could Michael Jackson have earned enough trust back from you to babysit your kids?

[Chi townD]

Her threatening to come to where you are? While she's in the middle of med school? Yeah....sure. And pigs are flying right now.