My fiancee cheated on me

[whatcanitellyou]

I think you did the right thing. You sound like a great catch and many great women will appreciate you.

[drifter777]

The relationship is over.

There is only so much you can take. She lied 2 days ago and she has lied continuously. She even lied to her mother. If only she had not lied continuously...

 

We had everything planned out. We will wait for 2 years until my graduation, then we will get married, we will never let the honeymoon die, have some children and live happily ever after until death do us apart…white picket fence and all. 4 years of relationship died within 3 days.

What you wrote here really touched me. I remember what it's like to have everything you planned and worked for just tossed away by a cheater. But here's the thing: you are minimizing the damage to your psyche and self-esteem by ending things right now. The strength of character you are showing is something to be proud of. Her mother is mortified by the actions of her daughter and wants to hide it from the world. But your sister knows and if one person knows then it will quickly become common knowledge - but you know that.

 

You might feel that some of this uproar and cancelled plans are your fault. Its not your fault. The relationship didn't die - she killed it. Over the next few days & weeks you are going to miss all the good things about your eX BUT don't torture yourself as if things were so wonderful before the cheating. Be realistic when you remember your past with her. Even without this cheating, everything wasn't as perfect as you want to remember now.

 

I'm so glad you came to this forum to share with us your horrible, traumatic ordeal. Most of us know the pain your feeling right now and we all wish you the very best. Continue posting here as you go through all of the stages of grief over this because we can help.

[star gaze]

It’s a rant.

 

She wrote a long mail to me. I was going to just delete it, but then morbid curiosity got better of me. The letter offered me nothing new.

 

It has been 4 days of the heart wrenching pain and I’m somewhat able to stop myself from thinking ‘ I gotta tell (my ex-fiancée) this…’ whenever something interesting happens around me and then remember and suffer the agonizing and paralyzing hurt. It’s okay. It’s the part of process and I can get over the hurt one day at a time. I know this. Anyways, she wrote that it was the worst thing she ever did or would ever do, that she learned her lesson and that she knows the traps, and would never fall down again; that she loves me-she just compartmentalized it for a few weeks, that it was not my fault, it was the stress from her studies and friend’s influence…. yada yada. Well okay, it was stress, it was childhood trauma, and it was because her cat died when she was child…. it was ISIS, it was green house effect, it was ebola… it was everything but her fault. Do the cheaters have some kind of handbook? The letter was full of Mills n Boon tragedy stuff.

You can’t just take the vacation from relationship once the bloom is off the rose. Really smart people can have zero common sense.

 

I didn’t reply and don’t intend to.

 

Trotter asked about the counselling. Even my ex-fiancee’s mother implied that relationship is bound to have ups and downs and plead to my mental strength and my love to give her (ex-fiancee) second chance. I may be strong, but I’m not that strong to take this utter disrespect and disdain in stride. I’m just a common guy who is devastated and sad. What can counsellor do? I’m not questioning their significance (one of my friend is counsellor), but I don’t need third party perspectives…I got that from my friends and families and this forum. I’m a voracious reader, I read and digested dozens of books on relationships, and applied them when possible to my own. All relationships are leaps of faith, gamble; I fell down, I lost. I may have to remain single for years, but that’s my cross to bear.

 

Thank you Drifter777, Donnivain, Chi TownD, Friskyone4u, Ruby, Martaldn, seekingpeaceinlove, Dragon fly7, Darren Steez and everybody else. Whenever, I have this intense urge to call her and forget about this mess and live like nothing ever happened, I come back to you people’s post and yank myself out of this nonsense dream.

[aliveagain]

Star Gaze, she had the affair for one reason, she wanted to. He wasn't what he represented to her so she came running back to you. She doesn't get to decide anything about your relationship anymore, that right ended when she decided to date the other man. Wasn't she with him a month before she started sleeping with him? That wasn't a drunk one night stand, she was in a relationship with him so it wasn't a mistake. Do not let her tears or her mothers influence sway you. Remember, had she not been caught cheating she would still be banging this guy. You owe her nothing, show her the same respect she showed you.

[troubadour]

Star Gaze, don't forget to get the ring back.

[veggirl]

You did the right thing, Star. She will live to regret her CHOICES to cheat, you will eventually be happy you left her. You are too young to put up with a lying, cheating girl. There's no reason to.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Star gaze, I have followed your story with interest and after my initial response which was based on what you had posted initially, I am glad that my response was appropriate considering the way things have further been revealed in the case.

 

What I find intriguing is that you are doing a PhD (what subject?) whereas your ex-fiancee was a medical student. The two fields are completely unrelated as yours is probably an academic field or maybe research oriented whereas the medical field is people oriented, in that doctors deal with patients. Moreover I feel that your ex had greater empathy with fellow students of her medical school including her affair partner than with you, at least as far as professional interests were concerned. She would have been spending much more time with them by necessity than she could possibly have been able to do with you. This must have been a major factor for her her getting involved with her affair partner. How did the two of you meet? Were you childhood friends(Sorry if you mentioned it before and I missed it)? Whatever the reasons for her to have got involved with this fellow you are best rid of her because in future years she would be thrown into the company of fellow doctors more and more and considering the rigid routines that doctors have to adhere to, you would have, perforce, to see less of her than her medical colleagues. I remember reading about a similar case of a couple where the husband was a professor or school teacher and the wife was a doctor in this very forum. Well you guessed it, the wife ended having an affair with a fellow doctor. The husband forgave her the first time but she followed up by having another affair with another doctor and she then had other affairs as far as I can remember. Finally the husband divorced her and she was quite nonchalant about it. The point of my rambling is that you have done the right thing by breaking off your engagement with your ex and you will, in future years be thankful for your wise decision! Cheers.

[BeholdtheMan]

in order to appease her, I told her maybe we can try again after my graduation

 

Please don't. You're young...no need to waste life by staying with a cheater AND a liar. Consider yourself lucky you found out before marriage.

 

Think of this as an opportunity to meet and sleep with new women.

 

Even my ex-fiancee’s mother implied that relationship is bound to have ups and downs and plead to my mental strength and my love to give her (ex-fiancee) second chance. I may be strong, but I’m not that strong to take this utter disrespect and disdain in stride.

 

On the contrary, you're strong to walk away from a cheater. Her mother loves her and she's pleading with you out of love for her daughter.

 

Right now it's time for you to protect your best interests, and it's very obvious that sticking with a cheater is NOT in your best interests

[elaine567]

But I was like a son to her family. I took care of her father when he had an accident. I like cooking, so her mother and I experimented so much. I was their unofficial handyman, babysitter, football coach, chaperone, tuition provider etc rolled into one.

 

You are like the son in law from heaven, no wonder the family are grieving, but all those good things you can bring to another relationship, and a partner that will appreciate them.

 

Just a Guy made a very good point, the medical profession is hard, it is emotionally taxing and it throws people together for long periods of time. Doctors tend to suss out those who share their experiences for emotional support, and sometimes that does lead to affairs.

 

You have made the correct decision, and will make a nicer girl very happy, I am sure.

[prekopsian]

Hello Star Gaze

 

You're doing exactly the right thing. Find someone whose core values mirror your own. You can, and you will. Best of luck.

 

P.

[SycamoreCircle]

"Compartmentalized." My ex used that word. I think it's some kind of code for sociopaths. It means what I've done doesn't have to be dealt with or I can do whatever I like, it doesn't affect who I am. Hogwash!

 

Consider this: this blow to her(losing you) can possibly be the catalyst for REAL change in her. Maybe if she finds herself in another healthy relationship down the road, she'll think better. Would that have happened if you had taken her back? Probably not. Because she would have never suffered the consequences of her actions. If this is the case, it's an unfortunate paradox. We learn to love from the people we don't know how to love.

[harrybrown]

Glad for your decision.

 

I hope she used protection and did not have relations with him while she was with you.

 

She could have. I hope she did not give you an std.

 

So glad you are not married to her.

 

Good luck in the future.

[Trotters]

If she hadn't been caught & did get married, what would her reason for that be?.

 

 

Material possessions?, security? What other reasons could she have for marrying him?.

 

 

Hope youre okish?

[No Limit]

Thank God you found out before being all excited about your/some other guys' kid your then-wife would be pregnant with. And a lot more than just 4 years gone.

 

Take care. And don't rush into dating, get a clear head first.

It also has a good end, you now have the chance to find the woman with white-picket-fence-qualities again.

[redtail]

I didn’t reply and don’t intend to.

 

You're a good man Star Gaze! In the not so distant future, you'll be in a better place for having been strong, kept your boundaries and moved on to someone who will respect you!

 

Best of luck to you!

[whichwayisup]

\Anyways, she wrote that it was the worst thing she ever did or would ever do, that she learned her lesson and that she knows the traps, and would never fall down again; that she loves me-she just compartmentalized it for a few weeks, that it was not my fault, it was the stress from her studies and friend’s influence…. yada yada.

 

Talk about not owning her behaviour and choices. Of course would hurt to hear if she had said, I was lonely and stupidly got involved with someone, I was selfish, and did the worst thing to you. Or something along those lines, but she didn't. What crap.

 

 

 

I didn’t reply and don’t intend to.

 

Good.

Even my ex-fiancee’s mother implied that relationship is bound to have ups and downs and plead to my mental strength and my love to give her (ex-fiancee) second chance. I may be strong, but I’m not that strong to take this utter disrespect and disdain in stride.

 

If you two were married, lives entwined with kids and many years together, then yes, I'd suggest counseling too, for the kids sake to give it your best and work together (and for her to do counseling to fix herself) but that isn't the case at all.

 

Sorry for your pain and for the loss of the life you two could have had together that she ruined by being selfish and not fully committed.

[Friskyone4u]

StarGaze

Hang in there buddy. Do not weaken. You made the right decision and yes it might hurt a little for a while. Most in her position always say it was the worst decision of her life. Too bad for her.

She lied, cheated , and when caught lied some more.! Again , if she had not been seen, she would still be banging this guy as I write this. Don't forget that.

And you need to make sure her relatives respect your decision . Tell her mother she needs to teach her daughter some morals instead of trying to talk you into marrying her cheating daughter

[Darren Steez]

Well done lad. It does hurt but it's literally a no pain no gain scenario and one you will get over.

 

For me excuses are all well and good but she did the dude twice, to me that a goodbye and see you later.

 

Maybe you've done her a favor, hopefully she won't disrespect the next guy she's with.

[HereNorThere]

STAR GAZE! STAR GAZE! STAR GAZE!

 

Man. I gotta give you credit. You da man, star gaze! This is one of the most important lessons you'll ever learn in life, sometimes you have to use the power of logic to overcome your emotions and that's what you're doing here!

 

I'm going to be honest with you, there may be more pain to come. A lot of times, the initial shock gives you a bit of numbness, but eventually the loneliness and obsessive thoughts will kick in. Love is a drug and make no mistake about it, you will go through withdrawals.

 

Don't relapse, stay strong, don't rationalize or justify her behavior. After all, that's what she did to create this mess.

 

Sometimes you have to run towards the pain to get it over with. You are stronger and smarter than nearly anyone else who posts here. Godspeed, Star Gaze.

 

Hope to see some of your post on the dating advice section soon. Not too soon, but maybe 2015, you can get out there and get you a super cutie! Rooting for you!

[HereNorThere]

Ive read everyones replies but how come no one suggested counselling or trying to fix things? I understand lies, trust, disrespect etc but still??? If they love each other is it not worth working on it?

 

The honest answer to your question is that cheating isn't so much an act, it's a personality trait or type. Sure, there are drunken ONS and some other momentary impulse control things but for the most part, the selfishness and lack of empathy these people portray isn't something that is "curable." Star Gaze's crazy ex fit that personality profile to a T. In the end, everything revolved around her. She is always the victim even when she is the perpetrator.

 

Most psychiatrist do not believe that personality disorders are curable. Manageable at best, maybe, but not curable. If you don't have kids with this type of person there's really no reason to stay around and live the type of life that this person has to offer you. It's better to cut his losses and find someone without so many red flags while he still has a chance at a better life.

 

P.S. - Star Gaze! Star Gaze!

[Trotters]

The honest answer to your question is that cheating isn't so much an act, it's a personality trait or type. Sure, there are drunken ONS and some other momentary impulse control things but for the most part, the selfishness and lack of empathy these people portray isn't something that is "curable." Star Gaze's crazy ex fit that personality profile to a T. In the end, everything revolved around her. She is always the victim even when she is the perpetrator.

 

Most psychiatrist do not believe that personality disorders are curable. Manageable at best, maybe, but not curable. If you don't have kids with this type of person there's really no reason to stay around and live the type of life that this person has to offer you. It's better to cut his losses and find someone without so many red flags while he still has a chance at a better life.

 

P.S. - Star Gaze! Star Gaze!

 

 

Oh I agree he is an inspiration to us all & I admire him & everyones replies on here. It just crossed my mind that not many people suggested they try & fix it???. What difference does kids make?. I know some people say kids take priority, but wont kids pick up on these things as they get older?. Some people say its better to break up & kids be happy than having two parents unhappy but under same roof?. Im addicted to this thread its very educational.

 

 

So people really do feel strongly about cheating, divorce etc. Is this from peoples experience on here or just people saying what they think they should do but not actually going through it themselves

?

[Trimmer]

Oh I agree he is an inspiration to us all & I admire him & everyones replies on here. It just crossed my mind that not many people suggested they try & fix it???. What difference does kids make?. I know some people say kids take priority, but wont kids pick up on these things as they get older?... Some people say its better to break up & kids be happy than having two parents unhappy but under same roof?

I think that considering this as having either a YES/NO answer is oversimplifying it. Also, I think that people who use that "better to break up and be happy for the kids" line are sometimes trying to justify themselves. This is a complex issue without obvious answers, and there's a whole spectrum of considerations that go into it. That's why, when there are NOT kids, it seems like such a less complicated decision to consider.

 

So people really do feel strongly about cheating, divorce etc. Is this from peoples experience on here or just people saying what they think they should do but not actually going through it themselves ?

In my case, I went through it myself. My wife cheated on me 7 or 8 years after we were together (and about 3 after we married.) I wanted to "fix it", to get back to the way things were, but I didn't recognize at the time just how much this broke things, and we "fixed" it by just moving on and ignoring it - trying to pretend like things were like they were before.

 

Ultimately, another 10 years and 2 kids later, things finally came apart for good. With the exception of my children, whom I couldn't imagine my life without, I wish I had taken a much stronger stance at that first incident of cheating, possibly even to the degree of ending the relationship.

 

So that's where my own firm position comes from: the experience of not having taken a firm position, and regretting it later.

 

The act of cheating is so nasty, so anti-social, so selfish and thoughtless, that I can understand and support someone who decides that this is a deal-breaker and that they don't want to move forward with the relationship. And especially if kids are not involved, I wouldn't badger anyone who made that choice with "you should stick it out and work on things...", unless they really felt strongly that way themselves.

 

I also agree with HereNorThere's point that cheating is as much an indicator of one's character and personality as it is an isolated event or a simple mistake. Being able to look at it this way "back then" might have helped me come to a different decision about how I would move forward in my own life.

[No Limit]

So people really do feel strongly about cheating, divorce etc. Is this from peoples experience on here or just people saying what they think they should do but not actually going through it themselves

?

 

It's not just visible in this forum, it's visible all around you in real life relationships. How many cheaters actually do regret, how many cheaters ever give away more than the one time they were caught, and not the many times before (and after)?

 

Not all here have been through divorce and heartbreak themselves - me, for example. I've only once gone for the "reconciliation"-vote in a thread. Kids have a big influence on decisions like staying together or not, it affects their whole life after all, their entire childhood, which makes it all the sadder that people who claim to love their children actually go the route to endanger it at all.

 

But why set star gaze up for experiences like this? He has not yet taken up big responsibilities like that, and there's no reason at all to encourage him to stay with someone like his ex.

[Trotters]

I think that considering this as having either a YES/NO answer is oversimplifying it. Also, I think that people who use that "better to break up and be happy for the kids" line are sometimes trying to justify themselves. This is a complex issue without obvious answers, and there's a whole spectrum of considerations that go into it. That's why, when there are NOT kids, it seems like such a less complicated decision to consider.

 

 

In my case, I went through it myself. My wife cheated on me 7 or 8 years after we were together (and about 3 after we married.) I wanted to "fix it", to get back to the way things were, but I didn't recognize at the time just how much this broke things, and we "fixed" it by just moving on and ignoring it - trying to pretend like things were like they were before.

 

Ultimately, another 10 years and 2 kids later, things finally came apart for good. With the exception of my children, whom I couldn't imagine my life without, I wish I had taken a much stronger stance at that first incident of cheating, possibly even to the degree of ending the relationship.

 

So that's where my own firm position comes from: the experience of not having taken a firm position, and regretting it later.

 

The act of cheating is so nasty, so anti-social, so selfish and thoughtless, that I can understand and support someone who decides that this is a deal-breaker and that they don't want to move forward with the relationship. And especially if kids are not involved, I wouldn't badger anyone who made that choice with "you should stick it out and work on things...", unless they really felt strongly that way themselves.

 

I also agree with HereNorThere's point that cheating is as much an indicator of one's character and personality as it is an isolated event or a simple mistake. Being able to look at it this way "back then" might have helped me come to a different decision about how I would move forward in my own life.

 

 

Sorry to hear of your experience, but thanks for sharing I know it cant be easy talking about these things. However even though everyone is different it is obvious serial cheaters all have same thing in common. Selfish & no consideration for people they "claim" they so called "love".

[HereNorThere]

Oh I agree he is an inspiration to us all & I admire him & everyones replies on here. It just crossed my mind that not many people suggested they try & fix it???. What difference does kids make?. I know some people say kids take priority, but wont kids pick up on these things as they get older?. Some people say its better to break up & kids be happy than having two parents unhappy but under same roof?. Im addicted to this thread its very educational.

 

 

So people really do feel strongly about cheating, divorce etc. Is this from peoples experience on here or just people saying what they think they should do but not actually going through it themselves

?

 

A lot of times the kids tip the scales simply because the BS wants to protect their children from their crazy WS. They already know that their partner doesn't make good decisions or set a good example, so they want to be around, in the same household, so that the children have at least one stable parent they can count on.

 

I encourage you to read the posts made by the commenters to see whether or not they have personally experienced this sort of thing in their life. I usually always try to go back and read the posts of new members or members who make particularly interesting comments. After a while, you can pretty much guess who is BS/WS/OM/OW simply by their personality type, nature and outlook regarding situations. I like to guess and then read to see whether or I got it right. Sadly, I'm usually right on the money.