Ruby Slippers Posted November 12, 2014 Posted November 12, 2014 You have a bright future ahead of you - but not with this cheater. I agree with the advice to expose the cheating to her family and yours, break the engagement, and end the relationship. It's great that you put a lot of good energy into maintaining a healthy, happy relationship. In the future, a woman who loves you and is not a cheater will really value your commitment. The only silver lining here is that you found out before getting married what kind of person she is. It would have been much worse if you'd found this out after years together and a couple of kids. Now you are free to get out and find a woman worthy of your love. 2
drifter777 Posted November 13, 2014 Posted November 13, 2014 star gaze: Pretty much all of us are advising you to end the relationship with this woman because we all have experience with cheating. Listen to us. The engagement period is a dress-rehearsal for marriage. Your sister busted her and then she "confessed". She cheated - what more do you need to know? Yes, it is painful and you will be lonely and think you will never find another girl you can love again. But you are a smart boy and I hope you will realize that you have a long life ahead of you and this ugly chapter is just a lesson to be learned. Move forward and don't look back. 3
SycamoreCircle Posted November 13, 2014 Posted November 13, 2014 People who do this sort of stuff---do they eventually mature? Or do they meet a person who stays one step ahead of them at all times? Do they just keep flitting from one fractured relationship to the next? Is it healthy relationship to fractured relationship to more fractured to dysfunctional to abusive? Baffling...
road Posted November 13, 2014 Posted November 13, 2014 Dump her. Infidelity forums are filled with BH's that were cheated on by their GF yet married her. Only years later have her cheat again.
Author star gaze Posted November 13, 2014 Author Posted November 13, 2014 I hear you all. After she called yesterday evening, sniffing and crying, I actually did all nighter reading many posts in this forum. It was a very eye-opening and illuminating night, I must say. Sorry, I could not respond yester-night. My feelings were all over the place. As most of you guys said, it was a blessing in disguise that I found it before the wedding and reconciliation has statistics against me. I am a little bit calm today and am able to think things a little more clearly. As many posters said (whom I want to say heartfelt thank you), a) she was still trying to sidetrack the talk about the identity of her affair partner; it’s not that I can’t ferret out his name; actually I think I would do that, b) the supposed honesty and confession was bogus, her preemptive tact to come clean before I find dirt on her from other sources, c) her withholding the information on where and why; I actually got some inkling of whys from yester-night’s conversation. She seems to be in panic mode as the enormity of her disgusting behavior is dawning on her, or so I like to hope. She told her mother to whom I have a very good relationship. Her mother will call me tonight. She also told my sister that it was a mistake when my sister confronted her. You don’t make the same mistake twice as Trimmer said. I told my sister not to talk with her again, pretend she is a stranger. DKT3 is right; I think I actually am in good spot, after few days I will be able to clearly think about the fate of this relationship without interfering families and friends. I asked my fiancée not to call me again and not to overflow my inboxes with platitudes, rather I will call her when my head is in clear place and I have thought things thoroughly. To tell you the truth, this relationship is doomed, tainted; my loss of 4 years and huge emotional investment, my loss of naivety and easy trust. It has been 2 days of excruciating pain. While talking with her yesterday evening, I remembered her indignant face about 4 years ago when I had a talk with her about fidelity and that infidelity and dishonesty is deal breaker to me. At that time, she actually implied that it will more likely be me, if ever these things happened, as I’m a male and all male are known to have uncontrollable urges. She took her words back next day. Sorry, I am just ranting. I am giving myself few days to calm myself. Her mother will call tonight. 4
Author star gaze Posted November 13, 2014 Author Posted November 13, 2014 aliveagain "sweeping this under the rug.....She started cheating from the moment you left, obviously there was something happening before you left...she's still test driving him....you are no longer her only sexual partner.... imagine how she will act when the pressures of children, finances and the newness of the relationship take their toll on her. " You are so right; these things are galling me. How can she take upon the day-to-day grind and little nuances of married life? Even if we reconciled happily, after few years I may come to resent her for sampling other sexual partners. Trustedthenbusted "I won't tell you what to do. I will only tell you that this will NEVER go away. It will NEVER not have happened. You will NEVER go more than a few days without thinking about it, and you will NEVER go out of town again without being at least a little bit worried." So true. God! this kinda life will be awful. This lack of trust will kill me, and we both are students and we will have to spend a lot of time away from each other until we graduate and have steady job. Elaine567 "There is no need to sit down and answer her nightly calls" Thank you. I will not be taking her calls anymore. Her mother will call me tonight and because I respect her, I will take her call. Trotter "What about it being a "mistake"?. She may never do it again & learnt her lesson?" I don't categorize it as mistake. I know her (obviously not as much as I thought). But, I know one thing for sure, she had weighed pros and cons for having him against having me, and somewhere I came short. She is that kind of person. It just didn't happen. There was a deliberate plan, and she meticulously executed it. It happened when I am abroad, and the emotional affair started conveniently when I left, paint a very bleak condition that it was pre-mediated and she was "test-driving" him and it started before I left as aliveagain said. Thank you drifter777, Ruby, SycamoreCircle, donnivain and everybody else. I am keeping your suggestion in my mind and other things that I know to make decision. I am heavily inclined towards farewell to this relationship but I'm also dreading the stir it will cause in my community after I return. I actually asked my professor if I can wrap up my training a week earlier. 2
SawtoothMars Posted November 13, 2014 Posted November 13, 2014 While talking with her yesterday evening, I remembered her indignant face about 4 years ago when I had a talk with her about fidelity and that infidelity and dishonesty is deal breaker to me. At that time, she actually implied that it will more likely be me, if ever these things happened, as I’m a male and all male are known to have uncontrollable urges. She took her words back next day. Sorry, I am just ranting. I am giving myself few days to calm myself. Her mother will call tonight. Just so you are aware in the future... people who are high risk cheaters often respond just like this. They also tend to be less trusting of their partners. 1
BeholdtheMan Posted November 13, 2014 Posted November 13, 2014 She refused to tell me about him and told me that we will discuss in detail what and how it happened once I return. she will do anything to regain my trust How about telling you the details now? She doesn't get to set the rules. Frankly, I wouldn't even bother. You are young and have a promising future. Don't waste it on a cheater 3
Trotters Posted November 13, 2014 Posted November 13, 2014 Hey, hope youre okish?. Keep us updated how youre doing. wERE here for you anytime you wanna moan.
lolablue17 Posted November 13, 2014 Posted November 13, 2014 You are soon about to be under a massive attack by her and her family and friends. They will all try to twist the reality and blur things, causing you to doubt about simple facts, like, to know if a day is really a day or a night is really a night, or "does the sun really shine every morning". They will challenge the basic logic of the human mind. You appears to be a very intelligent man, with strong integrity. Dont let them! She will cheat again every time you will be away. her needs for male attention will only grow during life and marriage. When she has to raise kids, she will not like her new body after pregnancy, you wont have too much free time because you'll have to provide your family. Imagine how lonely she'll feel and how strong will her need to boost her ego and self esteem be. She'll definitely need other male attention. And the dilemma will be very easy - Because the line was already crossed long ago. Because she learned that if she cheats, you forgive her... it happened before. So, to cheat again its not a big deal. Just imagine... I was simply describing your possible future with her... I think you know it's over. 1
Friskyone4u Posted November 13, 2014 Posted November 13, 2014 Star Gaze Do not worry about the ramifications in your community. This is about your life and hope fully you are going to not let her relatives or friends influence you. They do not have to climb into bed with a woman who was obviously involved in a flirting emotional affair before you left, and who repeatedly had sex with another man. She did NOT confess. She got caught by being seen by someone you knew. She gets no credit at all for being honest. Next time you leave for school you really believe you mind will not be racing on what she is going to do. That will effect your school and future if you are not careful. How do you walk down the aisle and say vows with someone who did NOT make a drunken mistake ( not that that would have bee excusable), but who on multiple occaisions ( you really do not know how many, she is a liar) cheated on you. Knowing you would spend time apart you told her your feelings clearly on infidelity. Stop all the analysis of why . If you read these forums you will see how many cheaters repeat their habit, especially if they have no consequences, and marrying her is certainly no consequence, but rather a reward. You have you sister good advice telling her to have no more conversation. Tell her mother politely that you are not marrying her daughter and do not let her sell you a bill of goods on how sorry her daughter is. Her daughter does not have her moral compass straight. You do not want to have great in laws and a cheating wife As others have said find yourself a worthy partner and one that will not act like this 1
Author star gaze Posted November 13, 2014 Author Posted November 13, 2014 The relationship is over. There is only so much you can take. She lied 2 days ago and she has lied continuously. She even lied to her mother. If only she had not lied continuously... Thank you everybody for their voice of reason. My phone is not stopping ringing for whole day today. I talked with my parents, with my sister and even with the brother of my ex-fiancee. For the whole day today, I was thinking about whys, but then I have to stop myself as I found that I was making excuses for HER. Now, I know the guy, the sleazeball. And, as I should have figured out already, it was not twice but many many times that my EX-fiancee slept with him. Anyway, the numbers are not important, the thing is she was lying out of her a** even while confessing. This is so sick. Until 3 days ago, it looked so simple. We had everything planned out. We will wait for 2 years until my graduation, then we will get married, we will never let the honeymoon die, have some children and live happily ever after until death do us apart…white picket fence and all. 4 years of relationship died within 3 days. Lolablue17 and Friskyone4u: Thank you. That was what I was afraid of. But I was like a son to her family. I took care of her father when he had an accident. I like cooking, so her mother and I experimented so much. I was their unofficial handyman, babysitter, football coach, chaperone, tuition provider etc rolled into one. When her mom called me, I told her that this relationship cannot work and when she started crying, in order to appease her, I told her maybe we can try again after my graduation. I’m afraid I used same wordings as some of LS people provided me in this forum. She did try to say that my ex-fiancee is so sorry, so remorseful, that she has stopped attending classes etc. I told her about the lies. She was so speechless.I also told her that I don’t want any interference in my life, however good intentioned, from her family members and friends regarding my ex-fiancee. She assured me and asked me not to tell anybody about the reason of break up, but my lil sister and her minxes of friend know, so I don’t think it can be hidden. She’s like a sweet old matriarch of the family. I talked with my fiancée as well, and wished her good life ahead. I was planning to write an email, but decided to provide her the same courtesy when she called me to ‘confess’ about her infidelity. It’s one of the darkest part of my life, and I am so far away from my family and friends. Thank you all the people here. 5
d0nnivain Posted November 13, 2014 Posted November 13, 2014 It sounds like you are making the best decision & for all the right reasons. Good luck. 1
Chi townD Posted November 13, 2014 Posted November 13, 2014 Dude, think about this. You were supposed to marry her. She was cheating on you with no intention of telling you. She was calculated enough to meet her lover far away from the where she lives to decrease the chances of running into someone that would recognize her. That's not a "mistake", that was a planned out choice. Fortunately for you, the odds weren't in her favor. She was ready to stand at the altar and profess her love and fidelity to you in front of friends, family and God when she already proven to herself that she can't. Yet, she was going to do just that! Your marriage would have been a lie. I mean, think about it. She would have been up there swearing her undying love and devotion to you all the while just a few months earlier she was in bed screwing some other guy she didn't promise herself to. She broke the promise. You don't owe her anything anymore. And if she still says that it was a mistake. Okay, it was a mistake. But, that's a mistake that she has to live with because you don't!
Friskyone4u Posted November 13, 2014 Posted November 13, 2014 Star Gaze Good luck to you. It might not seem like it right now but you have dodged a major bullet that could have ruined your life. Fortunately , it appears you did not just accept the only two times explanation and somehow got yourself more truth from somewhere. Please continue to insist that there is no communication from her family and friends or mother. Apparently you shocked her mother who had obviously also been lied to. Others reading this can learn something. Even though you are young you have absolutely been strong and firm in your beliefs and that trait will make you a success in whatever you do in life. You did not allow your hurt to let you get manipulated by sex or affection into a marriage based on deceit. Imagine how you would have felt a few months or years from now when you found out the real truth One last thing. You called the other guy a sleazeball. Might be true, but not too many young college guys will refuse sex from a girl on moral grounds. This is 100% on you ex fiancé. She made the decision to have sex with him. He did not rape her or force himself on her. She then made the decision to keep doing it. And fortunately for you, they were brazen enough to walk around in public or your would have gone on your honeymoon with a wife who was in an active affair with another man Be done with her and do not look back 2
Ruby Slippers Posted November 13, 2014 Posted November 13, 2014 You're doing the right thing, and I'm sure you will go on to find love with someone as faithful as you.
martaldn Posted November 13, 2014 Posted November 13, 2014 U took the right decision. U deserve better than her and U have a whole new future waiting for you now. it will be hard but you will get to the other side eventually, stronger than before. take your time to heal and look after yourself best of luck
Trotters Posted November 13, 2014 Posted November 13, 2014 Ive read everyones replies but how come no one suggested counselling or trying to fix things? I understand lies, trust, disrespect etc but still??? If they love each other is it not worth working on it?
seekingpeaceinlove Posted November 13, 2014 Posted November 13, 2014 How can you fix things with someone who continues to lie? How can you fix things with someone who only confessed because she realized she had been caught? The trust is irrevocably broken. You made the right decision for yourself, OP. Hold your head up high and don't look back. QUOTE=Trotters;5998344]Ive read everyones replies but how come no one suggested counselling or trying to fix things? I understand lies, trust, disrespect etc but still??? If they love each other is it not worth working on it?
Trotters Posted November 13, 2014 Posted November 13, 2014 How can you fix things with someone who continues to lie? How can you fix things with someone who only confessed because she realized she had been caught? The trust is irrevocably broken. You made the right decision for yourself, OP. Hold your head up high and don't look back. QUOTE=Trotters;5998344]Ive read everyones replies but how come no one suggested counselling or trying to fix things? I understand lies, trust, disrespect etc but still??? If they love each other is it not worth working on it? Counselling & perseverance???. Just thought it might be worth a shot?. Do they really need to finish forever?. Second chance & all that?
dragon_fly_7 Posted November 13, 2014 Posted November 13, 2014 You're making the right decision by breaking off the engagement and relationship all together. She lost you by not only sleeping with someone else, but lying and only confessed because someone else would've told you if she didn't. No doubt that people make mistakes but those don't include developing an emotional affair, spending quality time with someone else, driving far away to meet them nor taking off your clothes and getting naked with someone else not once, nor twice but many times during a time frame while you're away. You clearly ditched a bullet there. If your sister's friend wouldn't have been there nor anyone else she knows, I'm willing to bet she would have kept going on with her affair and even go along with the wedding and continue lying to you for such a long time.
d0nnivain Posted November 13, 2014 Posted November 13, 2014 Counselling & perseverance???. Just thought it might be worth a shot?. Do they really need to finish forever?. Second chance & all that? They are long distance. They can't go to counseling because he will be away at school for two more years. Plus she is only sorry she got caught. She isn't sorry that she did it & most importantly she's still lying about it & failing to take responsibility for her own actions. If she was sincere & this was a single mistake, I think counseling could help him overcome the betrayal & learn to trust her again but she's done nothing to merit that level of forgiveness. 3
whichwayisup Posted November 13, 2014 Posted November 13, 2014 Ive read everyones replies but how come no one suggested counselling or trying to fix things? I understand lies, trust, disrespect etc but still??? If they love each other is it not worth working on it? You're not married to her yet. Why start your life off with a big fat lie, someone who knowingly planned and cheated on you. That didn't "just" happen. It's not like you two have kids, or house, or a real life built together yet. Could you ever fully trust her again? Really give that some thought. But, if you feel she's worthy of a chance, let her prove that to you. Let her earn it, don't just give it to her because you might be afraid to let her go.
SycamoreCircle Posted November 13, 2014 Posted November 13, 2014 How could someone who was knowingly lying recruit her mother on her behalf? If I were her mother, I'd be furious---"sort your own mess out, don't bring me into this!" 1
Darren Steez Posted November 13, 2014 Posted November 13, 2014 What you call a huge emotional investment I call a huge learning opportunity. Unfortunately for those who've been cheated on, it's a horrible lesson but one I learned from and used in my future relationships. What you call a huge emotional investment, you should call a huge financial and emotional escape. You won a lottery by finding out before marrying her. Her loss is someone else's gain. Good luck to you. 2
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