Sexless Marriage is common <in affairs>?

[Lernaean_Hydra]

I have a friend who has been married for about 8 years. They've gone through periods of extreme dry spells - spanning 3+ months at a time. These dry spells were of her own engineering as she would withhold sex as *punishment when he "misbehaved".

 

Even though she was my friend (and thus I kept my thoughts to myself) when she first began to confide they weren't having sex (during one of the aforementioned dry spells) I thought she was being a petty, selfish bitch. Now at that point he could've gone out and had an affair - and hell, maybe he did - but the more I looked at the situation, the more I began to see the picture in greater detail.

 

She would withhold sex from him because she was mad at him yes, but also, she just wasn't in the mood. Then again, I wouldn't be either if my spouse had:

 

1. gone out partying all night and forgotten to pick me up from my 3rd shift job.
   
2. spent the very last of our joint money on video games and electronics
   
3. in better times, loaned large sums of money to people without even discussing it with me.
   
4. ignored me for hours at a time and spent FULL DAYS in our den playing xbox. Never speaking a word to me from the time we woke up until the time he decided to climb into bed and try to "mount me" like a stag.
   
5. repeatedly lied about his drug and/or alcohol consumption.
   
6. "forgot" to pay important bills (out of sheer laziness) without telling me so things like our insurance lapsed or a utility was shut of.
   

I mean, would you be very excited about giving it up to a guy like that?

 

So, yes, their marriage has gone though some periods of relative "sexlessness" and sure, he could've found some sympathetic OW and told her all about the deadness of their bedroom. However, the sexlessness that existed there was never just because this horrible woman wanted to torture the poor, beleaguered soul she trapped into marriage.

[thefooloftheyear]

Every single person I know who has had an affair has been getting plenty at home...

 

The only time they have not been getting plenty at home is in situations where there are separated from their partner/ spouse with a view to the relationship ending.

 

A friend has recently discovered her husbands 4 year affair. Aparently twice a day on "bad days" wasn't enough and him telling her he loved her and being romantic means that he was in an emotionless marriage...

 

 

While I wont discount your personal experiences, I have found the opposite true..

 

There are many sexless marriages..Heck, some sexless marriages are actually better than those where there is regular sex...As long as both are on the same page...And its a common lie among many BS's that say they had no problems in the bedroom...They are just in denial...

 

The funny/ironic part is I know a few guys that have left their wives because they werent having sex anymore, blew up their whole lives, then wind up in the same situation once the honeymoon period ended with their gf/affair partner...well, at least there they can just move on without the mess...

 

TFY

[goodyblue]

It's mind boggling that it took 12 years of no intimacy and you in the wings for him to leave her. Yes, I agree, your situation is extreme.

 

You say you've had LTR's that were not sexless and yet they ended. Isn't it ironic in a sense to be focused on lack of sex as a reason for a failed marriage, when many LTR's fail for many complicated reasons beyond sex.

 

A plethora of other reasons which i will not go into. But i must say, in the affair and evdn now, the focus was not sex, but intimacy.

[goodyblue]

From what I have read and what people on this forum have said, no one can make you stay married. Its still possible to get a divorce even if your spouse refuses to divorce you, but its a longer process. Maybe this is different in your state, but if your guy wanted to divorce his ex so badly, he should have just filed even if she refused instead of cheating and dragging out the marriage for that long. How long were you OW for?

 

People stay.cor all sorts of reasons. For my guy it was about.the fact that his ex began drinking excessively and he knew that in his conservative state she would get the children. He stayed and did most of the parenting.

 

Our affair was about a year, a little less. And it only began when the kids were adults as we have been friends for 20 years. He planned his exit. His ex discovered the A and he admitted everything and left.

[Got it]

Every single person I know who has had an affair has been getting plenty at home...

 

The only time they have not been getting plenty at home is in situations where there are separated from their partner/ spouse with a view to the relationship ending.

 

A friend has recently discovered her husbands 4 year affair. Aparently twice a day on "bad days" wasn't enough and him telling her he loved her and being romantic means that he was in an emotionless marriage...

 

Who has time for sex twice a day as a "bad day"? I never understand this with people. Do they not work? Have a hobby? Do anything else?

 

Even if I wanted to, I literally would not have time to have sex twice a day unless they are just quickies. That is insanity.

 

You don't know anyway who isn't getting a lot of sex? That is mind boggling to me. In my first marriage, we didn't have sex in the first six months of marriage, didn't dawn on us for the first 3-4 and prior to marriage and afterwards averaged about 1x a quarter. And he could not/would not have sex two days in a row after our first year together (at 18 years old). Just wasn't interested.

[Tayken]

Yes, I existed in one for quite a while, so I know they happen.

 

 

As the saying goes, only fools rush in. The problem is we get infatuated with someone, and then later realize that things aren't always going to be honky dory...kid(s) will arrive, expenses, work etc and people start to drift.

 

Besides...we get sick banging the same person after a while, so people just end up becoming lodgers.

[dichotomy]

Sexless marriage - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

 

 

I am in what I would classify as a low sex marriage. Low in quanity and quality. It has been a gradual decline since the wedding. I would say we are at 20 times a year but with some wide swings up and down from time to time.

 

I can only say prior to this long down turn I was "affair proof"- now I am not. Its a difficult road to be on and the risk for me straying is now present.

Edited November 13, 2014 by dichotomy

[AmyBamy]

My whole point was simply that, sexless marriages are common - from what I know, more common than not. I'm talking absolutely NO sex - although I can see low sex ones qualifying. Not to mention, the quality of the sex - for instance, if someone is just "doing their duty" then it may as well be no sex bc that is not creating or deepening intimacy in any way, and possibly lessening it actually.

 

I'm not placing blame on any one side. I'm simply stating, if you enter into a marriage and don't think that sexual intimacy is an important part of that, you are sadly mistaken and already on the road to breaking your OWN vows and inferred promises (of having a sexual relationship with your spouse).

 

As far as I'm concerned, once you break your vows, the other person is not held to their either. Period. Just because not having sexual intimacy with your spouse isn't a "crime" since people don't like to talk about these things, doesn't make it any less harmful or cruel or deceiving as having an affair. They are equal infractions.

 

Two wrongs don't make a right, but if one person throws their vows out the window - then the other person should not continue to be held to their vows. If you break the vows, don't cry when you partner doesn't hold theirs up either. (and yes, I realize sickness and such, and that is a different story, this is simply spouses refusing to maintain an ENTIRE adult relationship with their spouse - they want the second income, the help with the bills, the children and the house and the white picket fence, but only want to be responsible for part of the relationship? Selfish af.)

[AmyBamy]

My whole point was simply that, sexless marriages are common - from what I know, more common than not. I'm talking absolutely NO sex - although I can see low sex ones qualifying. Not to mention, the quality of the sex - for instance, if someone is just "doing their duty" then it may as well be no sex bc that is not creating or deepening intimacy in any way, and possibly lessening it actually.

 

I'm not placing blame on any one side. I'm simply stating, if you enter into a marriage and don't think that sexual intimacy is an important part of that, you are sadly mistaken and already on the road to breaking your OWN vows and inferred promises (of having a sexual relationship with your spouse).

 

As far as I'm concerned, once you break your vows, the other person is not held to their either. Period. Just because not having sexual intimacy with your spouse isn't a "crime" since people don't like to talk about these things, doesn't make it any less harmful or cruel or deceiving as having an affair. They are equal infractions.

 

Two wrongs don't make a right, but if one person throws their vows out the window - then the other person should not continue to be held to their vows. If you break the vows, don't cry when you partner doesn't hold theirs up either. (and yes, I realize sickness and such, and that is a different story, this is simply spouses refusing to maintain an ENTIRE adult relationship with their spouse - they want the second income, the help with the bills, the children and the house and the white picket fence, but only want to be responsible for part of the relationship? Selfish af.)

 

And ps - the FIRST person to break their vows is not exempt from divorcing either. Why don't they? Certainly it's not for the house, the kids, the families, religion, society, etc., is it? Why do they want the continued benefits of a marriage without a real marriage? They are just as able to divorce if they don't want to actually have a marriage. Why are they given a free pass to be a selfish pos?

[CrystalCastles]

People stay.cor all sorts of reasons. For my guy it was about.the fact that his ex began drinking excessively and he knew that in his conservative state she would get the children. He stayed and did most of the parenting.

 

Our affair was about a year, a little less. And it only began when the kids were adults as we have been friends for 20 years. He planned his exit. His ex discovered the A and he admitted everything and left.

 

Huh, whatever state that is, it must suck to live there if the person who can get sole custody of the kids is someone with a history of alcohol abuse!

 

How did it all work out? I hope he didn't lose custody.

[truncated]

My whole point was simply that, sexless marriages are common - from what I know, more common than not. I'm talking absolutely NO sex - although I can see low sex ones qualifying. Not to mention, the quality of the sex - for instance, if someone is just "doing their duty" then it may as well be no sex bc that is not creating or deepening intimacy in any way, and possibly lessening it actually.

 

I'm not placing blame on any one side. I'm simply stating, if you enter into a marriage and don't think that sexual intimacy is an important part of that, you are sadly mistaken and already on the road to breaking your OWN vows and inferred promises (of having a sexual relationship with your spouse).

 

As far as I'm concerned, once you break your vows, the other person is not held to their either. Period. Just because not having sexual intimacy with your spouse isn't a "crime" since people don't like to talk about these things, doesn't make it any less harmful or cruel or deceiving as having an affair. They are equal infractions.

 

Two wrongs don't make a right, but if one person throws their vows out the window - then the other person should not continue to be held to their vows. If you break the vows, don't cry when you partner doesn't hold theirs up either. (and yes, I realize sickness and such, and that is a different story, this is simply spouses refusing to maintain an ENTIRE adult relationship with their spouse - they want the second income, the help with the bills, the children and the house and the white picket fence, but only want to be responsible for part of the relationship? Selfish af.)

 

 

Why does it have to be the perosn with the lower sex drive who doesn't value intimacy? There are cases where one spouse wants to have sex as often as possible, but there's zero intimacy involved. How do you think that makes their spouse feel?

 

You are being very disingenious in your post. You say you place no blame on either side, yet clealry, you do. You take the person with the lower desire for sex, and palce that low desire in isolation from anything the higher desiring spouse may/may not be doing to help build that in the other person. It sounds like the feelings of an other woman trying to place blame by getting in through the back door what she can't get in through the front.

 

If you think BS deserve to be cheated on, then say so. Clealry. if you are an other woman ( I don't know if you are, but if you are) the you are really saying that your mm's bs deserved it, but are trying to rationlize it so he doesn't look so bad.

Edited November 13, 2014 by truncated

[ascendotum]

I was in a sexless marriage for 8 years. 6 of them completely sexless.

 

I didn't cheat, tempted though I was. Instead, we split.

 

IMO, being sexless isn't reason to cheat. It's and excuse.

 

Grow a pair (male or female) and leave if it's that important to you.

 

Apart from you breaking your wedding vows to your wife, what does it matter if you have an affair on the sly. I am assuming you do it discretely and don't change your behavior towards your wife or maybe even quite possibly you are happier & nicer because you are spicing up your life.

 

You can stay a married couple and enjoy the other aspects of your relationship and her personality, but also get greater fulfillment with the OW. You stayed on for quite a while without sex so there was love and some merit in your partnership I assume. Your wife shouldn't care if you are with another woman for a few hours a week since she didn't give two hoots about sex when you are at home. There is no burden on her now. I know cheating is not right but also not caring about the needs of your spouse is not either. I know having a priority in making your partner happy is not a wedding vow though and for better or worse can include no sex.

 

I know some people here say there is not order of merit when it comes to cheating, but I do. I agree you are better off finding a better relationship, but for many with kids & mortgage & businesses its just not so simple. I realize people will say if they want it badly enough they can make it happen, but its human nature to take the easy way if you can. If 3 hrs a week with another woman/man helps preserve the other 165 hrs with your wife & family life then some will definitely consider it a mertiable option. A lot of OW/OM will hear it as the reason and in some cases it will be BS but in lot it will be true as there are quite a lot of LTRs with once a month or less sex in them.

Edited November 13, 2014 by ascendotum

[goodyblue]

Huh, whatever state that is, it must suck to live there if the person who can get sole custody of the kids is someone with a history of alcohol abuse!

 

How did it all work out? I hope he didn't lose custody.

 

Happens every day. Things are good. He was pretty unhappy until he left but concentrated on the kids. We have been together for some time now and things are really good. Although his ex is pretty miserable, but that is her choice.

[Tayken]

Sexless marriage - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

 

 

I am in what I would classify as a low sex marriage. Low in quanity and quality. It has been a gradual decline since the wedding. I would say we are at 20 times a year but with some wide swings up and down from time to time.

 

I can only say prior to this long down turn I was "affair proof"- now I am not. Its a difficult road to be on and the risk for me straying is now present.

 

 

A lot of married folks out there and those currently in dating relationship are probably at this quota or less.....due to the initial infatuation having worn off.

 

Additionally, just because two people are in bed exchanging bodily fluids, doesn't mean that it is mind blowing sex. It does go down hill once you get married and have kids, and most end up living together as room mates / brother and sister.

 

So why bother with relationships? There is obviously something in it for one person more than the other. Single moms for example are in it for ulterior motives contrary to what they may claim.

[truncated]

Apart from you breaking your wedding vows to your wife, what does it matter if you have an affair on the sly. I am assuming you do it discretely and don't change your behavior towards your wife or maybe even quite possibly you are happier & nicer because you are spicing up your life.

 

You can stay a married couple and enjoy the other aspects of your relationship and her personality, but also get greater fulfillment with the OW. You stayed on for quite a while without sex so there was love and some merit in your partnership I assume. Your wife shouldn't care if you are with another woman for a few hours a week since she didn't give two hoots about sex when you are at home. There is no burden on her now. I know cheating is not right but also not caring about the needs of your spouse is not either. I know having a priority in making your partner happy is not a wedding vow though and for better or worse can include no sex.

 

I know some people here say there is not order of merit when it comes to cheating, but I do. I agree you are better off finding a better relationship, but for many with kids & mortgage & businesses its just not so simple. I realize people will say if they want it badly enough they can make it happen, but its human nature to take the easy way if you can. If 3 hrs a week with another woman/man helps preserve the other 165 hrs with your wife & family life then some will definitely consider it a mertiable option. A lot of OW/OM will hear it as the reason and in some cases it will be BS but in lot it will be true as there are quite a lot of LTRs with once a month or less sex in them.

 

Again, you take the situation in isolation, without digging any deeper than " no sex..he should feel fine about cheating".

 

( I don't reference this to the perosn you quoted, as I don't know their situation This is more general terms).

 

 

There are often many factors that go into why someone doesn't want sex. I'll give the example from my own life. It's extreme, but it will illustrate my point.

 

When our child became ill, it was all I could think about. My whole being was caught up in trying to find some way to make her better. We tried our best, but we coudln't.i

 

After that, I was numb inside. Sex was simply of the table, and it was for several months. It had nothing to do with not loving my husband or blaming him or anything like that. I was just running onautopilot, and still had our other children to help through it.

 

By your logic, and the logic of a heck of a lot of other men and women, if my huband had had an affair to get sex, he should have felt fine about it.

 

Fortuneately, he didn't. If he had, I couldn;t have stayed with him, no matter what. I would have viewed it as incredibly cruel. I would mch rather have gotten divorced.

 

It's easy to say " wifey doesn't want sex, so hubby should be okay with cheating" without knowing the circumstances behind it. It's also easy to say it's better for th kids of hubby cheats. All I can say to that is when my duaghter was in the hospital, I saw lots of children who's parets had thought the same thing...at least, until their secret got out. Kids aren't stupid.

[AmyBamy]

Why does it have to be the perosn with the lower sex drive who doesn't value intimacy? There are cases where one spouse wants to have sex as often as possible, but there's zero intimacy involved. How do you think that makes their spouse feel?

 

You are being very disingenious in your post. You say you place no blame on either side, yet clealry, you do. You take the person with the lower desire for sex, and palce that low desire in isolation from anything the higher desiring spouse may/may not be doing to help build that in the other person. It sounds like the feelings of an other woman trying to place blame by getting in through the back door what she can't get in through the front.

 

If you think BS deserve to be cheated on, then say so. Clealry. if you are an other woman ( I don't know if you are, but if you are) the you are really saying that your mm's bs deserved it, but are trying to rationlize it so he doesn't look so bad.

 

I did say what I mean, you are the one attempting to infer some hidden meaning in my very clear words. If the couple agrees to no sex, that is one thing. If one person has no sex drive, and the other a high one - then the person with no is the one breaking the vows bc they are not participating with their sole sexual partner when both know that the expectations are t here when married. Don't have a ton of sex while dating, then none once married, and you won't have that problem. I am a former BW and a former OW (second, after being a BW). Again, I say what I mean - why don't you?

[AmyBamy]

I did say what I mean, you are the one attempting to infer some hidden meaning in my very clear words. If the couple agrees to no sex, that is one thing. If one person has no sex drive, and the other a high one - then the person with no is the one breaking the vows bc they are not participating with their sole sexual partner when both know that the expectations are t here when married. Don't have a ton of sex while dating, then none once married, and you won't have that problem. I am a former BW and a former OW (second, after being a BW). Again, I say what I mean - why don't you?

 

And ps - his ex wife verified everything he said. Said she is asexual and has been her whole life, but had sex with him bc she wanted children. Said she could go the rest of her life without having sex with anyone. She broke her vows, then he broke his. Turnabout is fair play. In their situation, she DID deserve what she got - her free financial ride ended, finally, considering she wasn't adding anything to the relationship. My ex husband stopped having sex with me, not vice versa. It can go either way. I didn't like that my ex had an affair, but I understood why he did - he and I were not a good fit in any other way than sexually really. So, he became too frustrated with me, decided not to have sex with me, and broke his vows. I can't help it if my boyfriend and I are the ones that were in the "right" in our relationships, lol. As far as making him sound "better" - whatever. On this board? Are you kidding? People here will tear him apart bc he was once a WS even if he became the current ****ing Pope, lol.

[Sub]

As far as I'm concerned, once you break your vows, the other person is not held to their either. Period. Just because not having sexual intimacy with your spouse isn't a "crime" since people don't like to talk about these things, doesn't make it any less harmful or cruel or deceiving as having an affair. They are equal infractions.

 

Not really. As many have asked: how do you quantify/qualify a "sexless" M, or a M without intimacy? If a married person has sex outside of the M, it's cut and dry. They broke a vow and cheated. But who decides what is or isn't enough intimacy in a M? I've never heard "I promise to have sex with you ___times per week" in someone's marriage vows. I'm not arguing that the disappearance of intimacy doesn't occur. But it's a false equivalency to compare it to an A.

[Toodaloo]

Who has time for sex twice a day as a "bad day"? I never understand this with people. Do they not work? Have a hobby? Do anything else?

 

Even if I wanted to, I literally would not have time to have sex twice a day unless they are just quickies. That is insanity.

 

Believe me when you have a partner with a high sex drive you find the time...

 

In one of my relationships 2 was a very bad day... a bad day was 3 or 4... Lunch didn't consist of much food though

 

This is one of those ambiguous questions as each couple is very different. However as I say before the partners of the people I know who have had affairs have been more than happy to partake in regular "joinings"!

 

Personally I don't think affairs are caused by a lack of sex, I think they are caused by other issues which can, in some cases, also cause a lack of sex... not being in love with your spouse any more, feeling disconnected or under valued, wanting some excitement and the list goes on.

[hotpotato]

I feel like the op is asuming that the sexless marriage is caused by the bs. I feel like she is assuming the bs is doling out the pity sex.

 

Ha!

 

Its moot whether or not the bs wants sex since ws does not want to have sex with bs anyway. It happens more than you think. Its very taboo for a wife to say,"My hubby would rather screw someone else."

 

I had to beg my exbf for sex. He was cheating, and he was giving me pity sex. One of the signs of cheating is a spouse whose sex drive disappears.

 

Then again, what ws will make himself look bad by admitting he ugnores his partner?

[truncated]

I did say what I mean, you are the one attempting to infer some hidden meaning in my very clear words. If the couple agrees to no sex, that is one thing. If one person has no sex drive, and the other a high one - then the person with no is the one breaking the vows bc they are not participating with their sole sexual partner when both know that the expectations are t here when married. Don't have a ton of sex while dating, then none once married, and you won't have that problem. I am a former BW and a former OW (second, after being a BW). Again, I say what I mean - why don't you?

 

if you wnat to bring up marriage vows, pehaps you shoul focus more on the "for better or worse" area. Not your strong suit, I guess.

 

You are convieiently taodancing around the question asked, and not just by me. WHY does the prson not want sex? Saying " oh, his wife didn't want sex, she broke her marraige vows, what a sh@tty wife she is, so he's fair game for me!" .

 

Is she still "neglecting her vows " if:

 

- he cheated on her and she found it hard to be intimate with him again

 

-she has issues with the way he performed in bed, tried to talk to him, she was ignored, and after years of that she just gave up

 

- she's pregnant/ill/ has a physical issue and can't have sex

 

-he's abusive, treats her like crap, is always out wit the boys/ sleping with other women and after years of that, she's gotten to a point where she just stopped caring

 

- he let himself go physicaly, and has become a slob and has bad BO and refuses to do any thing about it

 

-he's too busy, except when he feels like it, then she's expected to be rarin' to go, who cares if it takes her a little bit of time to get in the mood

 

-he spends most of his time online looking at porn (addiction)

 

- there is some sort of sexual act that she doesn't like, and he knew that before they got married and was fine with that. Turns out,he still wants it, pressures her to do it, wich makes her feel resentful. They are still haing sex, but not particulr thing he wnats, so to him that equates to zero sex

 

- or (gasp) he's lying, and they are having sex and it's good sex, but he just wants a little something on the side

 

Of course, it benefits the other man/woamn to believe there's no sex and to paint the wife or husband in a bad light because of it. After all, unless she is totally devoid of a conscience, she'd feel too guilty about the affair to enjoy it. Far better to rationalize that the bs deserves to be chetaed on, and that the WS is perfectly justified. After all, if the only reson he cheated is because his fridgid wife refused him sex, then since he and the ow are intimate, thehn he won't have cause to ever cheat on her, should they get together on a permanent basis.

 

But here's the kicker. That ws has learned something by cheating. they've learned that during times when they , for whatever reason, aren't feeling satisfied, it's easier to go find anoher ow than to remin faithful and fix the problem.

The same scenarios could apply for wives treating their husbands poorly too

Since you brought it up, why did your hsuabnd have an affair? Were you denying him sex? If so, why?

 

 

As for what I;m ea;lly trying to say, it's that I have a very short fuse for people who feel entitled to hurt someone else, someone they've never met, someone who did nothing to them. WHile I've never been a bs, there were times when my husband and I didn't have sex for a few months, but he didn't cheat ( and yes, I know that for a fact, as we were with each other 24/7 during that time) and if you dared to say to me that I was "neglecting my marraige vows", then that's quite callous

[truncated]

And ps - his ex wife verified everything he said. Said she is asexual and has been her whole life, but had sex with him bc she wanted children. Said she could go the rest of her life without having sex with anyone. She broke her vows, then he broke his. Turnabout is fair play. In their situation, she DID deserve what she got - her free financial ride ended, finally, considering she wasn't adding anything to the relationship. My ex husband stopped having sex with me, not vice versa. It can go either way. I didn't like that my ex had an affair, but I understood why he did - he and I were not a good fit in any other way than sexually really. So, he became too frustrated with me, decided not to have sex with me, and broke his vows. I can't help it if my boyfriend and I are the ones that were in the "right" in our relationships, lol. As far as making him sound "better" - whatever. On this board? Are you kidding? People here will tear him apart bc he was once a WS even if he became the current ****ing Pope, lol.

 

Uh huh, and he married this horrible asexual woman because?

 

No one is trying to minimize how hurtful it can be when a spouse doens;t wnat to have sex. What they are saying is that there are ways of handlng it that are 100% better than having an affair. as for the notin that he didn;t wnat to divorce and break up is family, there's zero logic to that. He doesn;t wnat to break up his children's home, yet he's doing something that puts their stabel home life at great risk? If he's hat worried, he could ask for a divorce, ask for an open marriage, if those don't work, he can get a divorce whether his wife likes it or not.

 

If the home life is abusive, then he darn well ought to get his kids out of there, and spend his time worrying about that instead of planning how not to get caught in his affair.

[Lernaean_Hydra]

I feel like it's rather naive and unbelievable that some people seem to automatically equate sex with intimacy. You can have sex several times a week and still have zero intimacy. There are a startling number of men who would be happy enough to climb atop their wives and rut around for a few minutes before rolling over and passing out, whether she's enjoyed herself or not. Yeah, sounds hot and sex doesn't? Didn't think so.

 

Few people enjoy being treated like a sex dispensary or repository and nothing else. Few people find it easy to feel arousal toward a partner who ignores them, disrespects them, takes them for granted, etc and even fewer are eager to continue having sex with someone who doesn't care about their needs/satisfaction or places no value on the non-sexual aspects of physical intimacy.

 

Since many of us understand a decrease in intimacy can lead to a decrease in sex - and vice versa, this is sort of a chicken and egg problem. However the solution is never to have an affair. Ever. It's just that simple. "As long as we keep screwing" is not in any vows I've ever heard, but there is "In sickness and in health" and "for better or for worse".

 

To make the claim that a wayward has "the right" to go out and cheat - or even more absurdly that they ought to do so in order to somehow "better" the marriage - is ridiculous. There are many reasons people don't want sex but I highly doubt the reasons are generally so cut and dried as "I just stopped valuing sex".

Edited November 14, 2014 by Lernaean_Hydra

[truncated]

I feel like it's rather naive and unbelievable that some people seem to automatically equate sex with intimacy. You can have sex several times a week and still have zero intimacy. There are a startling number of men who would be happy enough to climb atop their wives and rut around for a few minutes before rolling over and passing out, whether she's enjoyed herself or not. Yeah, sounds hot and sex doesn't? Didn't think so.

 

Few people enjoy being treated like a sex dispensary or repository and nothing else. Few people find it easy to feel arousal toward a partner who ignores them, disrespects them, takes them for granted, etc and even fewer are eager to continue having sex with someone who doesn't care about their needs/satisfaction or places no value on the non-sexual aspects of physical intimacy.

 

Since many of us understand a decrease in intimacy can lead to a decrease in sex - and vice versa, this is sort of a chicken and egg problem. However the solution is never to have an affair. Ever. It's just that simple. "As long as we keep screwing" is not in any vows I've ever heard, but there is "In sickness and in health" and "for better or for worse".

 

To make the claim that a wayward has "the right" to go out and cheat - or even more absurdly that they ought to do so in order to somehow "better" the marriage - is ridiculous. There are many reasons people don't want sex but I highly doubt the reasons are generally so cut and dried as "I just stopped valuing sex".

 

The chicken and egg analogy makes a lot of sense. When many couples get married, the sex is good, and they assume it always will be, but then life happens. for whatever reson, sex can beocme routine, especally if you remove the intimacy aspect from it. That can disappear for a lot of reaons, Often, it's cyclical. the perosn doens't feel intimate because of the sexual issues, and the sexual issues occur ebcause there's no sense of intimacy.

 

The thing is that these can be repaired, but that akes time, effort, undertanding and work, and many people are unwilling or unable to do that. For them it's easier to have an affair.

[ascendotum]

The chicken and egg analogy makes a lot of sense. When many couples get married, the sex is good, and they assume it always will be, but then life happens. for whatever reson, sex can beocme routine, especally if you remove the intimacy aspect from it. That can disappear for a lot of reaons, Often, it's cyclical. the perosn doens't feel intimate because of the sexual issues, and the sexual issues occur ebcause there's no sense of intimacy.

 

The thing is that these can be repaired, but that akes time, effort, undertanding and work, and many people are unwilling or unable to do that. For them it's easier to have an affair.

 

I fully agree with you. Both partners though have to be totally committed, not just the one who has a problem with lack of sex. Both need to see it as a problem and often that's not the case. If it festers too long it can be hard to turn it around as resentment builds up. Many relationships do have a expiration date, so its very important to choose wisely when getting married, though in some of my friends cases they complained they did but their partner became a different person. Its easier to just split up but not always so easy in a marriage. While you say the person cheating is threatening the stability of married life for the kids, the vast majority of cheaters, cheat on the sly with the mindset that they wont be caught -> If they don't get caught then no one gets upset and they get some happiness. If a divorce is going to be too painful for all then an approved open relationship would be good but often the other spouse is threatened by the change in status quo.