Just want to confirm my interpretation is correct

[SteveDC]

Thanks, Ronni.

 

I read over your post twice now, and I think I've finally realized that since my first post (and all of the subsequent posts) I've been putting blinders on. As you and others have said several times - there's nothing left. And there's probably not much I can do to change that. Everyone on this thread has been saying this all along, but your latest post...finally hit home. It hurts, but the truth does. And it's not until you can get over it, and move on, that you're going to keep moving, growing in life, etc.

 

I don't think the days matter anymore, and counting them is useless. NC, or not, what's the point? There isn't one. I lived without her, and her without me, for several years now, and just because I woke up one day and realized "man, I miss her, and I wonder if we can make something happen now that I've grown into the man she once wanted." As someone said, she's closed that chapter in her life, and doesn't think about it anymore. Heh, man I'm silly/stupid and apparently need to put my ego in check. If anything, I guess this was a good month long learning experience for me in that time is precious and you need to realize what's standing right in front of you when you have it, and if you love that person, hold real ****ing tight...because nothing in life is guaranteed.

 

Thanks for the accurate and honest replies. I doubt I'll be updating this thread anymore, as I need to let go of whatever I thought I could do for her...be for her, etc. I think it might be worth reaching out (phone, and in time) as you mentioned, but only to confirm what I already know. Regardless of how great I could've been to her, and made her life easier in time, I need to stop dreaming and...move on.

Edited November 2, 2014 by SteveDC

[SteveDC]

If you need some context, reading my first post would help. Long story short: I've recently been missing my ex (from four years ago) and told her how I felt. We went on a date, I pushed too hard, she pulled back. I then went NC, two weeks later she initiated, I responded, but now think I've probably screwed things up completely. Simply looking for confirmation at this point (noted at the end of this post in the question).

 

If you have the curiosity/energy/interest in knowing the back story (which started about 5 weeks ago), it's here (same link as above).

 

If you're up to speed, and want to give advice, here's where things are now. If not, it's possible to give some advice by simply focusing on the women calling me 'wonderful':

 

Last week, I texted her mid-week asking how she was doing (I went NC for two weeks, until she started hitting me up). Immediate response, and smiles and (haha's and fun joking) as we went back and forth for a bit (good conversation). Two days later, I had a legitimate question about something she was trying to get rid of (her old car, as she just bought a new one), so I asked via text. No response in 24 hours. I ask again (very simple question), the next day - no response. Two more days pass, I call, no response. I finally reply with this, exactly: "OK, I'm done." Steve = Idiot. Turns out, that whole week she had finals, and the old car she was trying to get rid of...was broken into (nice area), and her mom is sick again (it's basically terminal). Once I texted "OK, I'm done", I get a flood of texts back from her (it's been five days, and finally I hear back because...I pressed), as she explained the situation, how awful her week was, and that she was sorry for not getting back to me all week. Her close friend (which I'm still friends with), confirmed the whole story. At this point, I feel like a total a$$, because all of this went down, and all I cared about was how she was ignoring me all week.

 

Instead of responding to her flood of texts, I choose not to apologize/reply via text. Instead, the following day, I write a small note (attached to flowers) letting her know I was sorry she had an awful week, apologized for pushing these past several weeks, and explained in a very friendly tone, that as much as I loved seeing her and trying to be a part of her life again, I can't force a friendship that isn't there anymore, but if she ever needs anything (she's struggling a lot lately), I'll be there for her. I left the flowers/note for her at work (purposely didn't want to give them to her myself), and left. 10 minutes later, I get this exact text: "Steve!!, thank you )). You're so wonderful!!"

 

MY POINT/QUESTION: All of this to ask a simple question: "You're so Wonderful" = "You really are a great guy, but I'm glad you're backing off, and I have no intention of changing my mind". Correct?

 

I feel like a 31 year old child.

Edited November 10, 2014 by SteveDC

[SteveDC]

You put the ball in her court. It's now up to her. Just don't smother her if/when she contacts you again.

 

No texting/calling multiple times after contact. If you send a text or call and she hasn't returned it in a normal amount of time, just wait longer.

 

Let her come to you.

 

I'm quoting you, STH, because since my original post, I went NC, and she did reach out about a week a half later. However:

 

- I didn't smother her after contact

- I actually left some conversations just out there, without texting too much at all

- I DID eventually send multiple texts (one simple text a day), when I hadn't heard anything back in 1-2 days. Come to find out in my latest post, she had all kinds of bad things happen, and that's why the silence. What hards for me, is that even during bad times, answering a simple text is pretty easy to do...which of course makes me think if she honestly wanted to talk, she would've. Truth hurts I guess.

 

Updated post

[Ronni_W]

Hey Steve,

While we're waiting for STH, can I dance?

But, before you say 'yes', be forewarned that I'm gonna step on your toes!

What's hard for me, is that even during bad times, answering a simple text is pretty easy to do...

That is an incredibly self-absorbed take on things. (Even when she's having it rough, she's still supposed to make you the centre of her universe...or at very least, make sure that you're feeling happy and safe and comfortable and secure???)

 

From your other thread...

MY POINT/QUESTION: All of this to ask a simple question: "You're so Wonderful" = "You really are a great guy, but I'm glad you're backing off, and I have no intention of changing my mind". Correct?

Not correct...unless she specifically tells you 'correct'.

 

In my view, it's highly unlikely that "You're so wonderful" had anything to do with anything else other than you were thoughtful enough to gift her a 'pick-me-up' bouquet of flowers. Friends do that for friends, and then the recipient acknowledges the giver's nice gesture with nice words to show appreciation.

 

She might have had it in mind that you were in the middle of your own stuff -- new job and moving cities -- so she could just have been being considerate of that (considerate of you), and decided not to trouble you with her crap. OR. If she tends to be self-reliant and independent, just wanted to deal with her own crap her own way and on her own. OR. Some other reason that has equally nothing to do with you, but that isn't in my brain at this time.

 

New item: Would you mind doing me a solid, and tell me how to do that link like you did it, to make it all neat and attractive (instead of just a URL cut-&-paste)? I know the instructs are on this site somewhere...but I don't know what term to search for . Thanks muchly.

[bolase]

Yes.

 

If she decides she wants more, and I don't think she will, it's up to her to chase you.

 

The flowers and note…well thats a very friendly thing to do and you're not really friends are you, bc you want more. So telling her 'if she needs anything she can contact you'….sure, but that isn't entirely honest. if she needs help, yes, but if she just needs to talk? You don't want to because you like her and don't want to be led on. I wouldn't have done that. Can you not just leave her be...

 

You gave it a go but she isn't in the same place as you. I'm glad for you that you had the balls to try, and now you know.

 

If you keep trying you'll just get hurt. If she contacts you saying hi etcetera with nothing meaningful, I would politely tell her that you came back for a second chance and if she's' ever in need to contact you, but it's a bit difficult for you to just be friends and bid her well etc.

[SteveDC]

But, before you say 'yes', be forewarned that I'm gonna step on your toes!

 

That is an incredibly self-absorbed take on things.

 

While I do agree with this on some level, I actually have enemies whom I text back and visa versa. I can't think of a single person in my life, whom when I text, they don't respond within 24 hours (unless something is very wrong). Regardless, while it could be self absorbed, if I was busy/no interested in talking, I simply text/tell that person that. Be brief, talk later. But nothing...is like...

 

Can you not just leave her be...

Of course, and that's why I went NC. She initiated recently, not me.

 

If you keep trying you'll just get hurt. If she contacts you saying hi etcetera with nothing meaningful, I would politely tell her that you came back for a second chance and if she's' ever in need to contact you, but it's a bit difficult for you to just be friends and bid her well etc.

I definitely think this is sound advice, however (and I honestly feel this way), I don't know what i want with her. I didn't walk back into her life and say "I want to be your boyfriend again, let's date!". I explained it was more of the close friendship we had before and after we broke up. That's all I'm looking for now. It used to be so easy to be close with her, in fact, she was always initiating everything. Time passes, I have regrets of being cold to her, come back, and now she's cold (or so it feels that way). I very much explained to her, that "being a part of her life again", wasn't something I've thought out in detail, just that I want to (especially now that we're living close again).

 

-----

 

Solid for Ronni: in order to make that link, simply highlight the text you want to link, click the blue link button (should be fifth button from the left), and enter the URL you want the link to go to when someone clicks in. Let me know if that helps?

[SoThatHappened]

Steve,

 

You backing off obviously worked. The ball was in her court, and she ended up contacting you.

 

Again, this is sort of a different situation than the usual dumper/dumpee.

 

It sounds like she's been going through a rough patch in her life. You were thoughtful to give her flowers and a note. You're both obviously still civil toward each other and care about each other.

 

However, as you may have figured out, it may be time for you to take a step back and tell her a couple things that leaves the ball in her court again:

 

#1 You can't be friends. Not because you don't care about her, it's actually the opposite; you care deeply for her and can't be a friend on the sidelines while she lives her life and potentially dates other people. Stress that it's not because you DON'T want her in your like, it's because you DO want her as more than a friend.

 

#2 You don't want to push yourself on her and possibly push her away. So, you tell her you will leave her alone and you can be alone to assess feelings.

 

Then go as low contact as you can until she says she wants you back.

 

I know it's not ideal, and this is only my advice. I don't know you, her, or the situation more than what you've posted on here.

 

I will tell you this:

 

The first time with my last ex lasted 2 months. Things were absolutely great. Then out of the blue, she dropped me for an ex that lived in her same town (I was an hour away).

 

I begged, pleaded, etc. When that didn't work, I told her that I just can't lose her even if were were just going to be friends, if that's all I could have with her (dumb, I know, but it was a short whirlwind relationship and I absolutely adored this girl).

 

So, she was cool about keeping in touch. We texted a few times a day, and she even called me 2 or 3 times within the first couple weeks. It hurt me to go from romantic texting to:

 

Her: I heard there was a wreck in your neck of the woods. I hope you made it to work OK.

Me: Nope, I'm safe. Thanks for checking though.

Her: OK good. Have a good week.

 

I'd get things like that from her for weeks... just keeping tabs on me basically. Then I just couldn't do it anymore, so I went into the "I don't care anymore" mode with her. She'd text, I'd take forever to respond, and it was very short and cold when I eventually did respond.

 

Example:

 

After 2 days of me not texting her (the longest it had been for us), I got this:

 

Her: It sucks that we can't talk as much anymore. It's weird to not talk to you for so long

Me: Yep, sucks.

 

Then I went silent again after her reply. Guess what? Two weeks later, she's begging for me back.

 

I didn't do this to get her back (even though I wanted her back), I just did it to show her I'm not a lovesick little puppy waiting by the phone for any text from her. It showed her I could take it or leave it at that point.

 

Point is, NC or even LC is the best shot at getting her back. You've laid everything out on the table. Your job is done. You can't keep pushing her to accept your offer. You have to wait for her counter-offer if that ever comes.

[Ronni_W]

Solid for Ronni: in order to make that link, simply highlight the text you want to link, click the blue link button (should be fifth button from the left), and enter the URL you want the link to go to when someone clicks in. Let me know if that helps?

Hey Steve.

Sorry...no...I didn't understand those instructs . (Fifth button to the left of what? <LOL>. And, what if it's an external link that I want to add?)

 

...however (and I honestly feel this way), I don't know what i want with her. I didn't walk back into her life and say "I want to be your boyfriend again, let's date!". I explained it was more of the close friendship we had before and after we broke up. That's all I'm looking for now

Steve, maybe a good idea to first figure out - get REAL clear on - what you want with her?

Any other way really isn't fair on her; and does no good for your own mind and heart, either.

 

How you (re)acted recently, when she didn't answer you in your preferred/desired/expected time-frame, suggests that you do have some plenty expectations...which would arise from what you want from her. So, if you're not acknowledging that (to yourself), then you will perceive many of her actions in the same was as if she is keep letting you down...even though even you are not clear on the 'how' of how she's doing that.

 

If that makes any sense at all.

 

Hugs. And thanks for helping with that 'link-thing'. Don't worry about it, though.

[SteveDC]

Thanks Ronni, and definitely appreciate the insight.

 

Let's try this link thing again. So, if you type some text, and want to link that text:

 

1. Highlight the text that you want to hyperlink with your mouse

2. When you're writing your comment, look up at the toolbar (Bold icon, Italic Icon, Underline Icon, etc.) and look for the blue globe looking thing with the chain link. It's to the left of the chain link icon with the red X.

3. If you click that, a dialog will popup, giving you an option to enter a URL (can be relative or offsite).

4. paste in the URL you want, and click OK.

 

Hopefully that helps?

 

I have a new (stupid, but curious) question, I'll ask after posting this.

[SteveDC]

Steve,

 

You backing off obviously worked. The ball was in her court, and she ended up contacting you.

 

Again, this is sort of a different situation than the usual dumper/dumpee.

 

It sounds like she's been going through a rough patch in her life. You were thoughtful to give her flowers and a note. You're both obviously still civil toward each other and care about each other.

 

However, as you may have figured out, it may be time for you to take a step back and tell her a couple things that leaves the ball in her court again:

 

#1 You can't be friends. Not because you don't care about her, it's actually the opposite; you care deeply for her and can't be a friend on the sidelines while she lives her life and potentially dates other people. Stress that it's not because you DON'T want her in your like, it's because you DO want her as more than a friend.

 

#2 You don't want to push yourself on her and possibly push her away. So, you tell her you will leave her alone and you can be alone to assess feelings.

 

Then go as low contact as you can until she says she wants you back.

 

STH, good advice all around bro. Thanks for this.

 

You're right, in that this isn't the usual dumper/dumpee story, since:

1) We've been broken up for almost four years

2) We both decided it was best that we end it, and just go back to being best friends (I know this might sound SUPER weird, but I swear, it was like we were brother and sister. Always finishing each others thoughts and sentences, having families that had so many things in common, yet both us from two different parts of the world (Me - American, Her - Ukrainian)

3) Even after the breakup, we were still intimate for a while, but I eventually ended that and I would just look out for her from time to time. Back then, I was still the drinker, and as much as she wanted me back, she couldn't tolerate that. Obviously now, the booze are a part of the past.

 

She definitely has been going through a rough patch in her life, in fact, one thing I haven't mentioned until now, is that she was actually engaged this past year, and ended it with the guy. Long story short, once I officially stopped paying attention to her about 1.5 years ago, she always had this guy on the side who was MADLY in love with her, but super patient in that she never liked him, but he was always there to help when her and I would fight, or she would have problems that I didn't give enough attention to. Point being, when I was gone, he took over as the guy in her life to be there for her when she needed someone. Earlier this year, they ended up starting a romantic relationship, and within months (keep in mind, she's known him for almost 7 years), he proposed to her. She said yes, and within 2 months, she totally broke it off. I remember clearly talking to her about this recently (before I did the ol' "I miss you, and want to be a part of your life", blah blah). She told me that once I walked out of her life for good, she felt like she was now "losing time", as in, she wanted a family, husband, etc. and she had no one to start that with. At the time when he asked her, she was basically like "f it", I have no one else, and he's a really good guy, why not, so she said yes to the proposal. Well, VERY quickly after, she realized she made a huge mistake, and broke it off. Imagine this poor guy, who's been in love with her since day one (even before I came along), FINALLY gets the girl he's always wanted, and shortly after, she ends it. She ended this engagement with him about 5 months ago back July. The reason I bring this up, is because when I walked back in her life (2 months ago), and she said "I just can't be in a relationship with ANYONE at all right now", I think she's just totally exhausted with men, and even me, isn't going to work right now. I'm not trying to make myself feel better, I'm just adding to the fact that yes...she's having a rough life right now.

 

I think both #1 and #2 are great points, and options. I definitely went with #2 with what I said in the card to her. It was very kind, very loving, but also very much "I'm here if you need me, but I'm not reaching out anymore"...and I haven't.

 

One more thing to come....

[SteveDC]

Since this thread is still open, and I've already spilled everything out regarding her and me, something recently (last night), just happened, which I KNOW is super silly to mention...but...I'm confused.

 

My silly question:

So...she doesn't use Facebook much anymore (or so I thought). I use Facebook all the time, and post all kinds of fun stuff as life goes on. Because I know she's not active anymore, I feel safe posting random musings about my life, even if it might be about her. Keep in mind, I haven't posted anything about her in a long time, but I came across a very simple, yet deadly accurate quote (it's exactly how I feel about her and this whole situation) I found when lost on the interwebs, and decided to post the image for the heck of it.

 

Here it is

 

It was OBVIOUSLY about her, and my "real friends" whom I'm friends with on Facebook knew exactly what it meant. She would also know it's 100% about her.

 

I post it...an hour later, she "Liked" it.

1. I had NO intention of her seeing it

2. Why "Like" something that's clearly about you, and how I feel?

 

I'm assuming a simple "Like" is just a "Like"? Or is she happy that the quote clearly says "You're a different person now, peace out", and she's happy I'm moving on? Or, is she coming around to me (missing me as well), in a her own, yet carefully slow, way?

 

I'm sure I'm reading way too far into a Facebook Like, but it's clear I was going NC, and everytime I try and step away for good...she does something (even that small), to keep my attention!

Edited November 17, 2014 by SteveDC

[Ronni_W]

Let's try this link thing again. ... Hopefully that helps?

Do you mean like this? Did I do it??? (Yeah...I think I did! ) THANKS, Steve.

 

My silly question:

I post it...an hour later, she "Liked" it.

1. I had NO intention of her seeing it

2. Why "Like" something that's clearly about you, and how I feel?

I think...it's highly likely that she meant you to know that she's happy that you are understanding that this is a different phase in each of your lives. It could also, IN ADDITION to that, suggest that sometimes she gets caught up in a kind of 'melancholy' about various other stages that she's been through - childhood, college, marriage, other romances - not just ONE phase.

I mean, who does NOT get caught like that, sometimes?

 

So. You could take it has her sharing her own feelings about her own life, as well as letting you know that she knows how that feeling feels. We could call it compassion or commiseration.

I would refrain from any thinking along the lines that it might mean, "Or, is she coming around to me (missing me as well), in a her own, yet carefully slow, way?"

It just would not be wise to jump to any hope or conclusion even close to that.

 

I'm sure I'm reading way too far into a Facebook Like, but it's clear I was going NC, and everytime I try and step away for good...she does something (even that small), to keep my attention!

Steve, if you want it to be clear TO HER that you are going NC and want to step away for good, then you must tell her that directly or at minimum 'unfriend' her, then block and delete every other way that she has to contact you.

 

Unless there is some other way that you've already made it "clear" TO HER, that you are going NC and stepping away for good? If not, such clarity is only in your vision and head, but not yet in hers.

[SteveDC]

Thanks, Ronni. You're a rockstar. You got the linking working, too!! Nice job

 

I think...it's highly likely that she meant you to know that she's happy that you are understanding that this is a different phase in each of your lives.

I think you're probably right about this. I think the hardest part about agreeing with you, and me realizing this is probably what it was, is that if we interpret it that way, it's just further confirmation that she has no interest in me being in her life anymore. After all of these posts, comments/replies, and advice from others, I'm STILL shocked that she didn't accept me with open arms (NOT - let's get back together, but more of, I'm so glad you're not too busy for me anymore, Steve) Hell, all of our small talk over the past year prior to me opening up to her was so suggestive to me that if/when I moved back into town, we would probably start hanging out again.

 

So. You could take it has her sharing her own feelings about her own life, as well as letting you know that she knows how that feeling feels. We could call it compassion or commiseration.

I was actually hoping that even though it might very well be her liking my post, and her being happy to see I'm understanding how things are, I was hoping she didn't 'Like' it because she felt that away about someone else entirely, and her 'Like', had nothing at all to do with me. But whatev. Selfish I guess.

 

Steve, if you want it to be clear TO HER that you are going NC and want to step away for good, then you must tell her that directly or at minimum 'unfriend' her, then block and delete every other way that she has to contact you.

Apparently after all I've read, I must have the NC approach completely wrong. My understanding (at least the way I was approaching it), was that I don't initiate a single thing. No contacting her at all, but instead, if anything at all would work out, she would have to initiate. However, completely blocking her from contacting me at all..that seems a bit harsh? My concern there is not "if she can't get in touch with me, then we def have zero chance", but more of, if I block her entirely, it'll confirm to her that her not being in my life is too hard for me, and so I have to never see/speak to her ever again to get over any emotions I might still have. I guess I just think that's a little harsh, considering it's not like we just broke up and I'm going NC. I simply tried to walk back into her life, pushed too hard, then she pulled back. Once I went NC, she started reaching out a bit.

 

Anyway, I tried burying this thread a couple weeks ago when I realized although very sad, perhaps I'm just wasting my time putting any thought into any of this at all. Oh well... life goes on.

[Ronni_W]

Hey Steve.

Yes, I saw where you wanted the thread to die, and I did respect that. But then you resurrected it , and I took the opportunity to ask/learn about that pretty links-thing. My bad, perhaps.

And now...you've asked a question, so I don't want to just leave you hanging, either. (It's my own psychology-crap, that feels doing so would just be rude. I working on it! <lol>.)

In any case, so. I'm going to answer this one, but please just ignore any need to respond on my account.

 

I think the hardest part about agreeing with you, and me realizing this is probably what it was, is that if we interpret it that way, it's just further confirmation that she has no interest in me being in her life anymore.

I don't think that's accurate. I think she's been fairly clear and honest and direct in telling you that she DOES want you in her life, only NOT in the way that you want to be in her life; not in the role that you want play in her life.

 

Likely she could/did also envision "hanging out" with you...but only occasionally or even fairly infrequently. I think it's just that your vision and her vision were more different than the same, while still having mutual elements.

 

Her 'like' could have been BOTH, about you AND not at all about you. We don't know. We ought not guess or assume, because either way, we don't know. But. It's not really "selfish" to have wanted it to be about you, exclusively. Well...not "selfish" at all. Something else. Hopeful, perhaps?

 

(The question that you asked about NC/blocking her.)

Your understanding of NC is generally the same as mine. But what's different in your case is that you're dealing with a person who has NO IDEA that she's done anything "wrong" or to deserve her friendship being rejected and/or cut-off by you.

 

I really only meant that you need to let her know, one way or some other, that you do feel "wronged" in some way or another and, for that reason, you need (or want, or want to try) to go NC. She doesn't know, was my only point.

 

Blocking and deleting and unfriending her, yes, while harsh, would be ONE way for you to let her know. But. If you don't let her know, clearly and directly, whether through an honest conversation or something else, then she WILL keep 'liking' your stuff, and contacting you, and stuff. Because you haven't told her that you DON'T want that kind of stuff right now, because you're dealing with your own stuff, right now.

 

And I promise...that's all. If you want something else, then specifically put 'Ronni' somewhere in your post .

I do, in any and every case, though, Steve, wish you all the happiness, success and peace that you deserve. Many hugs.