PegNosePete Posted February 5, 2015 Share Posted February 5, 2015 Dude WTF? Why are you acting like a total doormat? She has a new boyfriend yet you are expecting her to commit to you and her family? Seriously? Dude she has left you. She will not be coming back. You need to have some self respect and stop this ship. I am not surprised she reacts with anger. She has shown you exactly what she thinks of you but you still come lapping back to her begging and grovelling like a puppy dog. I would be angry too if I'd moved on but my ex wouldn't leave me alone. Link to post Share on other sites
chew123 Posted February 5, 2015 Share Posted February 5, 2015 Braven, I am in very similar situation, except that dday was in September for me. Once my wife told me she had a bf I began the divorce process. Did I want to , no. But I really had no choice and unfortunately neither do you. Once I accepted it was over things began to get a little better for me. Do I feel great, no. Am I over being dumped after being together for 35 years, of course not. But I am moving forward and divorce will be final very soon. I actually can't wait for it to be completed so I don't have to see her ever again, except for stuff related to our grown son. You need to face facts, file for divorce. You don't want to be anyone's plan b. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Braven86 Posted February 5, 2015 Author Share Posted February 5, 2015 (edited) Thanks for giving it to me straight I just want to deny what's right in front of me. I just don't know how a person could abandon their family. I guess there's dead beat mom's too she wants too live in the moment and that's not really possible with my career and our son. I guess I do need to find my self respect and realize I deserve more than this. I thought the marriage was worth fighting for , but meh I guess it's not. Edited February 5, 2015 by Braven86 Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted February 6, 2015 Share Posted February 6, 2015 Fighting for a marriage only works if both parties want it to work. She clearly doesn't want the marriage, and nothing you do will convince her otherwise. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
KBarletta Posted February 6, 2015 Share Posted February 6, 2015 I feel like she just wants to escape and keep me as a back up plan just incase it fails. Should I stop showing her I care and just accept the situation for what it is? Bleh Unfortunately, you have no choice but to accept the situation. As PNP said, it takes two people to work on a marriage. You only have one. So your only choice is to let her go. Most likely the reason she has responded with anger is because you were not letting her go when she said that was what she wanted. The best choice for you at this point is to cut contact with her except on matters concerning your children, take care of yourself and your kids as best you can. Focus on that, and try to heal from this heartbreak. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Braven86 Posted February 6, 2015 Author Share Posted February 6, 2015 It seems right now she wants all the positives/ stability of marriage/ but the fun of a kid free relationship. It's screwed up but it is what it is. Classic cake and eat it too scenario. I really hope she doesn't try to fight me for custody then it might get ugly. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Braven86 Posted February 10, 2015 Author Share Posted February 10, 2015 I always feel like there's something left unsaid closure is hard for me to find. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
KBarletta Posted February 10, 2015 Share Posted February 10, 2015 I always feel like there's something left unsaid closure is hard for me to find. If you're looking for closure from some source other than yourself, you're always going to feel like there's something left unsaid. Pay less attention to what she says and more attention to what she does. Also, the fact is, unless you are both 100 percent committed to your marriage, it's not going to work, and you're wasting your time trying. And she's shown that she's got one foot out the door. That's a recipe for heartbreak for you. My advice is to stop looking for closure from your wife and work on finding it inside yourself. Forgive yourself for everything that has happened and begin to heal and move on. That's how you find closure. Link to post Share on other sites
Chi townD Posted February 10, 2015 Share Posted February 10, 2015 It seems right now she wants all the positives/ stability of marriage/ but the fun of a kid free relationship. It's screwed up but it is what it is. Classic cake and eat it too scenario. I really hope she doesn't try to fight me for custody then it might get ugly. Then prepare yourself! Document everything and prove to the courts you're already the custodial parent. If you can establish that to the courts, they'll be less apt to change that since it's already established and it's what the kids are used to. SO, document when she leaves and how long she's been gone. If she left the house and is living somewhere else. Document the date she left and how often she comes by to see the kids. DO NOT TELL HER YOU'RE DOING THIS! That will change her patterns and you would be screwing yourself in family courts where they already usually favor the mother in cases of divorce. Collect all of this data and give it to your lawyer. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ralfgarnett Posted February 10, 2015 Share Posted February 10, 2015 All this talk of acceptance is fine but its not that easy, in a way I wish I could accept but I cant because deep down inside I still love her with all my heart and it really wouldn't take too much time for me to be madly head over heels in love with her all over again in fact I probably still am, so go easy on OP he is hurting as we all have and are, remember its not that easy to move on if it was we would all be doing it. Link to post Share on other sites
LifeNomad Posted February 11, 2015 Share Posted February 11, 2015 (edited) bro FORGET her, go minimal contact strictly about your kids only and that's it, no longer friends, no "how are you", "how you been" NOTHING. let her live on her own. it wont get any easier until you start the process. Set a schedule to see your kids, and when you go see your kids, you BE A KID! meaning, you laugh with them, joke with them, sing with them or dance with them in the car, play with them, get on the playground, go down the slides, its so much fun when you can be a kid with your kids. your not the first, your not the last, your not alone, and your kids will be fine. they are stronger than you think. *EDIT I don't mean to be rude I know it hurts, I did it, was 13 yrs in relationship, 3 kids, she left I cried etc and 3 months later I finally can say I was able to move on, but you gotta start soon, asap, like now, like today. I have a friend who had been separated for over a year, long before I got separated, and hes barely starting this process, I was able to start it and get thru it much faster and all thru that time he was still friends, hanging out with her, taking her places, being her doormat, and now barely hes going thru it, and it hurts him too, but its the only way to go thru it. In the meantime focus on yourself, heck get a tattoo! the best thing you can do is start exercising and eating better, give yourself 3-4 months of daily 30 min at least exercise and change your diet for the better, also meet women, you are not bound anymore to anyone, so make profiles on dating sites like plentyoffish, tinder, or whatever, who knows, you could meet someone there that will change your life for the better. Edited February 11, 2015 by LifeNomad Link to post Share on other sites
ralfgarnett Posted February 11, 2015 Share Posted February 11, 2015 bro FORGET her, go minimal contact strictly about your kids only and that's it, no longer friends, no "how are you", "how you been" NOTHING. let her live on her own. it wont get any easier until you start the process. Set a schedule to see your kids, and when you go see your kids, you BE A KID! meaning, you laugh with them, joke with them, sing with them or dance with them in the car, play with them, get on the playground, go down the slides, its so much fun when you can be a kid with your kids. your not the first, your not the last, your not alone, and your kids will be fine. they are stronger than you think. *EDIT I don't mean to be rude I know it hurts, I did it, was 13 yrs in relationship, 3 kids, she left I cried etc and 3 months later I finally can say I was able to move on, but you gotta start soon, asap, like now, like today. I have a friend who had been separated for over a year, long before I got separated, and hes barely starting this process, I was able to start it and get thru it much faster and all thru that time he was still friends, hanging out with her, taking her places, being her doormat, and now barely hes going thru it, and it hurts him too, but its the only way to go thru it. In the meantime focus on yourself, heck get a tattoo! the best thing you can do is start exercising and eating better, give yourself 3-4 months of daily 30 min at least exercise and change your diet for the better, also meet women, you are not bound anymore to anyone, so make profiles on dating sites like plentyoffish, tinder, or whatever, who knows, you could meet someone there that will change your life for the better. We are all different a cope with things in different ways he cant just forget her if he could he would we all would but its not that simple, bravo for you that you were so upbeat but not everyone is like that, I was very much as you are 20 years ago but now I am wiser and less upfront, life sucks now as with OP I too miss my wife and my former life I feel old at 50 y/o now. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Braven86 Posted February 11, 2015 Author Share Posted February 11, 2015 I'm 28 attractive and I've been talking to lady's I guess the biggest hindrance has been me trying to be cordial with her. I just find it hard to give up on someone. I know it's for the better though in the short time shes been away I've met people who seem to have a lot better personality. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted February 11, 2015 Share Posted February 11, 2015 I'm 28 attractive and I've been talking to lady's If you've only been separated since November I'd avoid getting involved too quickly in a new relationship. Still some drama going on with the woman who's still your wife, don't want to put someone else in the middle... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted February 11, 2015 Share Posted February 11, 2015 Get the divorce over before dating anyone new. Get it filed so she sees reality - and ask for 100% custody of the child since she doesn't intend to parent. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Braven86 Posted February 12, 2015 Author Share Posted February 12, 2015 Your right I've been 100% upfront with the people I've talked too and let them know the full situation and they still talk to me. she put me in a financial pinch since she left for child care since she isn't reliable I hAve to find a babysitter. She agreed to 50 50 custody with me the primary/custodial parent. I plan on seeing a lawyer this week or next week to get the fine print information on custody because that's really the only thing I care about. It just angers me I told her I was going to take our son to Lego land and she said she wanted to go then retracted and said maybe. Aka if I don't find better plans sure So selfish. Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted February 12, 2015 Share Posted February 12, 2015 Well I posted in here back in November when my wife first left. It's been quite a confusing road. I've opened up my eyes to some of my flaws and experienced genuine change. Throughout the whole seperation there were periods of hot and cold where she would be open to me and times where she was distant. Right now I feel like I'm at a crossroads she won't commit to me or our family, she has a boyfriend she visits quite frequently and rarely spends any time with the family. When I ask should I give up all hope/ let go of hope she responds with anger. I asked her what can I do different and she just ignores me. why does she respond with hostility and anger? I feel like she just wants to escape and keep me as a back up plan just incase it fails. Should I stop showing her I care and just accept the situation for what it is? Bleh A little backstory married 6 years 2 kids one from previous relationship I'm getting divorce papers drawn up and she agrees to me having custodial rights of our son together. Her child from previous relationship is with her mother. She moved out in November and has a steady boyfriend. What's to save? You said it perfectly, your her back up. Why are you waiting for someone who makes bad decisions to decide your future for you? Do the paperwork, time to take the garbage to the curb. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Braven86 Posted February 13, 2015 Author Share Posted February 13, 2015 Thanks all I didn't want to accept the situation, but it appears I must. Link to post Share on other sites
kenmore Posted February 15, 2015 Share Posted February 15, 2015 Thanks all I didn't want to accept the situation, but it appears I must. Just because people here say accept it doesn't mean you must. What you must do is what's in your heart. If you didn't want to accept it then don't. If it comes to it, then you will because you will not have a choice anymore but it hasn't been that long for you yet. Accept it when your heart tells you to and not a second earlier. Ken Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted February 15, 2015 Share Posted February 15, 2015 Thanks all I didn't want to accept the situation, but it appears I must. You mustn't do anything, but I and a lot of others with more experience in this forum strongly suggest you do to take as little damage as possible in the future - and to protect your child. It's not a necessity to get the ball rolling with lawyers etc. But it's going to have a large impact on your future because in all this time you've been waiting for something you have no choice over - as in her magically loving you and her child again and growing up in a matter of seconds - she's automatically kept the upper hand because courts just work this way. If you wouldn't play the good dog who does what she wants she'd get custody just to "punish" you and you end up frustrated, hopeless with a kid living with God knows who else ending up completely neglected. There are plenty of divorce horror stories. Forums like LoveShack are just trying to lead people away from these terrible outcomes. Link to post Share on other sites
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