Separation from 5 years married [Update: Separated 3 months]

[Braven86]

Good evening all, firstly I would like to apologize for any typos using my phone. I come here to day to vent and possibly receive criticism or helping words. My wife and I have had an interesting 5 years ups and downs. However recently my wife has moved out. We got married at a young age she was 20 and I 23. We've always had communication issues I prefer to fix things as they happen and she prefers to pretend they never did as we all know that doesn't work. I admit to being pushy and trying to force communication we've tried councilors etc to no avail. She has had a kid from a previous relationship she had her when she was 16. I'll start where things got bad approximately 6 months ago she said she was stressed and overwhelmed so in addition to me working AD military I literally did all the cleaning of the house with 2 kids one 7 and one 3 is a decent amount of work. My wife occasionally cooked dinner and did dishes and the rest of the time did school work and not much else. She says she feels she's outgrown the relationship. shes recently communicated she would like to date me, but she wants to be selfish for a little while and figure herself out. She's made new friends while at school young and to be blunt not good influences basically she feels she wants to be a teenager and live the life she hasn't had a chance to. While I'm here hurt trying to make things work she has just checked out. I don't understand how someone can be so cold and selfish and abandon their adult responsibilities. I know I should move on , but I can't shake the feel I ng of wanting to save her from herself. She admits she has issues from her past she wants to send the oldest to her mother's and keep our youngest home. Its just heartbreaking hearing the kids say why did mommy leave. She basically comes to our house as she pleases and leaves without saying a word. I'm hurt confused and just plain unhappy with the lack of trying. Is all she needs time to be a kid? Either way it sucks. Any words of wisdom insight criticism are welcomed. All this hurt is very fresh and exhausting.

 

I would also like to add I would like to keep the older child here even though it isn't biologically mine. I feel to be honest her mother didnt do a good job a raising her and I don't want said child to have to be subjected to the same thing. But my wife insists that she go so she can better deal with her personal issues.

 

Second edit she moved out last week to an apartment but comes over to watch the kids while I work.

Edited November 7, 2014 by Braven86

[lizzi30]

Hi there,

 

really sorry to hear that you are having such a hard time.

I can say I know exactly what you are going through- I too have been married for 5 years and last week we ended our relationship due to my husbands sexual needs.

 

When I read your post I could identify that your wife is obviously not happy with the relationship and if she has grown out of the marriage then wouldn't you want her to be happy....that's where I am at the moment although I'm devastated I am unwilling to engage in activities that husband had a need to do as a lifestyle but now after speaking about separating I look back and see he just wasn't happy and if anything I would want him to be.

 

I think you should just concentrate on the children and if you want the oldest child with you then fight for that.....you have been looking after the children a lot and obviously have a secure bond and relationship with them......one thing I would say is have some boundaries with your wife ....don't let her walk in and out as she pleases .....if any thing you and the children need consistency to avoid any confusion.......get times and dates when she is coming around this also will help you prepare for the visits and interactions too.

 

You don't need to protect her from herself...she is an adult and has made a decision that she no longer wants you as her husband so although you may love and care for her still she may be the kind of individual that may take advantage of you and that's not fair to you either.

 

Main thing....focus on the kids.....the least this affects them the better it is in this whole scenario....it sounds like you really have your head screwed on about this area.......things will get easier or at least that's what I keep telling myself!

[Braven86]

I guess im just having a hard time coming to terms with this. She said she wanted to date but I wasn't ok with the greyness. I think she just wanted to keep me at arms distance until she figured out what she wanted. That is the thing I do want her to be happy I was fine with her hanging out with her girlfriends and having her personal time.

Edited November 7, 2014 by Braven86

[lizzi30]

okay but you can't just hang around and not move on yourself waiting for your wife to decide what she wants in life regards relationships.....if she needs to clear her head and sort out her personal problems then she should do that but not keep you dangling on a string until she is ready ....cut ties except for kids and then if she really wants you back after her thinking time then she come running otherwise it wasn't meant to happen was it?

 

If sounds like she is giving an excuse to start having relationships with other people and yet still having u there whenever she decides to drift back over ........that's not fair to you at all....you deserve better than that rubbish!

[Braven86]

I texted her and asked if we could set some boundaries for this separation. Still could use some insight.

[Mr. Lucky]

G I know I should move on , but I can't shake the feel I ng of wanting to save her from herself.

 

How ??? By locking her in the basement? Chaining her to the bedpost?

 

The only person you can control is you. Set your boundaries, focus on your kids and prioritize those actions that benefit you in the long run. Recite the Serenity Prayer several times a day .

 

Have you pushed for MC? it might give you a forum to work on both the problems in your relationship and her individual issues. Stay strong and keep posting...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Braven86]

MC? Sorry not fimiliar with that acronym. I plan to continue posting. I asked to talk and set boundaries and expectations and she said I have nothing to say. So apprently she's willing to do whatever to get away and just do what she wants. It's quite hurtful to me , but I will try to stay NC as much as possible until she decides she's ready to talk.

[Braven86]

Well she came by yesterday to get the rest of her stuff, I work night shift so I sleep during the day I awake to an unknown man in my house so of course I get angry she didn't even have the respect to text me she's coming over with people I don't know. I eventually cooled down. I realize our relationship has always been like this and she has never really been respectful of other people and more often than not thinks just about herself. I am struggling with the emotions of being alone and abandoned by the person I wanted to have a family with. I also started talking to an old girlfriend I'm not interested in making it a relationship just validating myself that I could still be wanted. I feel quite worthless . I always tried to listen to my ex even though she didn't notice. I guess that's all for today I'm going to go spend some time with my kids. I hope everyone else is having a good day.

[oldshirt]

Does she have any drug/alcohol abuse in her past? Any mental illness?

 

She just doesn't sound right. This is not how normal, healthy women with an ounce of sanity and responsibility act.

 

Did you grow up in an environment t of chemical dependency or mental illness? You seem way to accepting and enabling of her behavior?

[oldshirt]

....anyway, I think your first order of business her is to get a lawyer ASAP and start circling your wagons to protect your assets, properties and children. She is unstable, irresponsible and dangerous. There is no telling what she may do at any moment.

 

You could come home from work tomorrow and find her gone with the kids sitting there unified and in yesterday's clothes with no idea where their mother is.

 

You could come home and find all of them gone with no note and no forwarding address and finds out later there are living with some dude in an apartment over a downtown furniture store. ......and that dude may not be someone you want around kids if you know what I mean.

 

This gal is a dud and she probably can't be fixed. Your marriage probably can't be fixed and likely shouldn't be fixed.

 

Your number 1 priority at the moment is to protect yourself and your kids because there is no telling what she'll do, but it's a good bet it won't be anything good.

[Braven86]

By no means have I enabled her I let her know time and time again this isn't how adults act your ignoring all your responsibilities and expect me to be happy and want to please you. My father used alcohol and drugs I was around it when I visited him. I have lingering suspicion that she has some mental health problems she wants to send her oldest away because she reminds her of her mistakes. She says it's to better herself but I feel it's more selfish behavior. I also think she was mentally abused as a child her step father also did drugs but was around her constantly. She told me she had the oldest so she could have a loving family but that didn't work out. She does not use drugs she drinks occasionally I employed her to be seen by a psychologist and possibly take medication hiwevery she just thinks it's our relationship and not her actions I feel she has a hard time taking responsibilities for her actions and says I constantly blame her when in reality I just want her to realize her actions and the effect they have on other people.

Edited November 8, 2014 by Braven86

[Mr. Lucky]

MC? Sorry not fimiliar with that acronym. I plan to continue posting. I asked to talk and set boundaries and expectations and she said I have nothing to say. So apprently she's willing to do whatever to get away and just do what she wants. It's quite hurtful to me , but I will try to stay NC as much as possible until she decides she's ready to talk.

 

MC is marriage counseling, at best a hail mary attempt to save your marriage. Take care of yourself and your kids, all you can do right now. Seems like you're on the right track...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Braven86]

Oh, yes we've tried councilors but she doesn't like them. I asked her to find one she likes but , she didnt. I think all our hail Mary's are over and this is it, I expect her to wake up and face reality soon. But when that time comes I don't think I'll be receptive.

[Braven86]

Little update we went to a chaplain and I poured my heart out and she poured hers. The truth is we both have issues that got us here. Right now I basically have been trying to show her I care while she seems super conflicted. It hurts me trying to show I care and her being Stone cold. She usually likes to avoid any type of talking so if I try she says just get over me. She also said she isn't sure she wants me to completely get over her. I think for my own wellbeing though I need to move on and start worrying about myself and not her or what could have been. I guess I just need that extra push to really let go. Love sucks. In the process of showing I truly care it just pushes her away more. Fml.

[Mr. Lucky]

In the process of showing I truly care it just pushes her away more. Fml.

 

So stop showing.

 

As you've figured out, it's counter-productive to cling to a spouse intent on leaving.

 

Productive courses include moving on with your life, pursuing health and happiness and showing personal growth. You'll be amazed at the message that sends to all, her included...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Braven86]

Lol @ psychology of relationships I stopped saying I love you etc. Today after talking to our son she told me she loved me. Interesting I still don't thing everything is better because we both have things we have to fix. I let her know the other day that I feel she just wanted too see if the grass was greener. Thanks for the input I'm continuing focusing on myself and bettering myself for all others in a similar situation focus on yourself and shortcomings in the end that's all you can do. There are ups and downs but such is life.

[Braven86]

Another update. I think it was jealously I left on a trip without her. She said the only way she feels we can start a new is by seeing other people and getting a divorce aND see where it goes I was open to dating other people but I've been on dates and felt chemistry not that it's a bad thing but I truly feel as if it is just a distraction. I dunno we are going to talk tommorrow. We were just going to try dating and getting to know eachother again. Everything is so wishy-washy with distractions.

[Mr. Lucky]

She said the only way she feels we can start a new is by seeing other people and getting a divorce aND see where it goes

 

If I ever get truly sick, hope she's not my Doctor. "We're going to cure your illness by letting you die and seeing if you're happier in the afterlife".

 

You know her proposed course of action makes no sense, right ???

 

Mr. Lucky

[Braven86]

Did some more talking we are waiting until tax returns to discuss divorce she is dating other men, I think I'm going to use the 180 as much as possible considering there is a child involved.

[Chi townD]

Sorry dude. But, she wants to sleep around and have a back up plan (you) to watch the kids while she has a night life and brings dudes back home to her apartment. She is one bat sh*t crazy chick. I mean, she had the balls to bring one of these guys over to your place to get her stuff?!?!? Brass ones right there!

 

 

You need to start the divorce. It pains me to think that she still gets the benefits that comes with being married to a military dude. Get a divorce, get her off of your Tricare, get her privileges to the exchange and commissary revoked. Get her out of your DEERS and make her ID invalid. AND DO NOT FORGET TO GET HER OFF OF YOUR SGLI!!! Name your parents and your kid your beneficiaries. And update your will. You can change your will and your SGLI right now. You don't need a divorce for that.

 

 

You need to start protecting you and your kid right now.

[Braven86]

I don't know why it's so hard to move on even though the writing on the wall is crystal clear.

[Braven86]

Holy damn. She came over and talked told me she slept with another man, I don't know if she was trying to make me jealous or what but I was suprisingly calm. She told me she regretted it. This just fills me with anger I try to keep a civil relationship since my son is involved, but I now feel totally repulsed by her.

[BlueIris]

I read your first post and from that alone, it is clear that you feel contempt toward your wife, do not respect her, and you are defensive and must feel superior and in control. Look up Gottman’s Four Riders of the Apocalypse of Marriage and you might see that the prognosis isn’t good, even based solely on the way you view her and talk about her.

 

You might as well proceed to divorce, but unless she can be proven to have abused or neglected the children, you will have to share custody. I didn't see whether you adopted her child from a previous relationship, so you'd better talk to a local lawyer if you want to establish parental rights and be granted primary custody (since you're better than she and her mother are, after all).

 

It would be best for your kids if you go to therapy to address your lack of respect for their mom and your need to protect yourself and make yourself look superior. It will do them great damage.

 

Also, don’t “fight” for anything. Be reasonable. Show some discipline. Google the APA study of the psychological effect of conflict on children and you will not fight, if you care about your children more than winning some pyrrhic victory.

http://www.apa.org/about/gr/issues/cyf/divorce.aspx

Edited December 6, 2014 by BlueIris
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[Braven86]

I guess I can see what your saying my feelings for her weren't like this early in the marriage I guess the selfishness of both of us deteriorateD the relationship over time.

[Braven86]

Well I posted in here back in November when my wife first left. It's been quite a confusing road. I've opened up my eyes to some of my flaws and experienced genuine change. Throughout the whole seperation there were periods of hot and cold where she would be open to me and times where she was distant. Right now I feel like I'm at a crossroads she won't commit to me or our family, she has a boyfriend she visits quite frequently and rarely spends any time with the family. When I ask should I give up all hope/ let go of hope she responds with anger. I asked her what can I do different and she just ignores me. why does she respond with hostility and anger?

I feel like she just wants to escape and keep me as a back up plan just incase it fails. Should I stop showing her I care and just accept the situation for what it is? Bleh

 

A little backstory married 6 years 2 kids one from previous relationship I'm getting divorce papers drawn up and she agrees to me having custodial rights of our son together. Her child from previous relationship is with her mother.

Edited February 5, 2015 by Braven86