I'm about go take that leap into being the OW

[whichwayisup]

It's really not up to him or anyone to "make you feel" a certain way.

 

That is your own perception. The perception of yourself. You can get a professional to help you change that outlook.

 

I agree with this, but being rejected by one's own husband probably doesn't feel very nice. Though with that said, she can let him know what she needs from him, the love, the care, the compliments.

 

Your H needs help too, whatever his addiction is, he has to work through his issues as well.

 

You can't compare an addiction vs choosing to have an affair.

[Got it]

Also, if you feel that someone is out of line, you can report their post to a mod. It is labeled "alert".

 

Many use it as you will have people cross the line. Sorry about that.

[Sub]

He cares for me and I love that he's stuck with me. He just has a tough time doing the affection thing. Or making me feel sexy. I feel invisible.

 

I don't want to divorce or leave him... I just don't want to feel like a deformed troll anymore

 

Have you talked with him about these things, specifically? I understand that you shouldn't necessarily HAVE to. But given everything that's gone on in each of your lives, I think you need to first make him aware of your feelings about this. Not your feelings about the guy who wants to make you his side-piece. Your feelings about the way your H makes you feel, or not feel.

[whichwayisup]

Oh lord....... You know..... I never thought of that. High school kids can be so damn mean. When the gossips at their work find out. My son and his best friend could lose out on a friendship. Kids would talk. Kids would shun my son. Because everyone would find out. It's a small duty station.

 

Now you're thinking about it all, this is good. Your choices aren't just about you, they do affect your whole family unit.

 

Really get help, both you and your husband should try marriage counseling. This man you married, once loved deeply, enough to have children with him. Don't you want that man back?

 

Life has had it's challenges and you both have had health issues, sadly and it's affected your marriage. Fix things, it's better to do that than to wander outside of your marriage and cause more stress, more problems.

[Islandwhitewave]

Okay. So breath. You haven't crossed the point of no return. And there is no ticking clock on this. Why not give yourself some time and really sit with yourself. It is so hard when the hormones are raising, I am sure you are thinking that you almost died, that you guys have had this and that issues, that you never do anything for yourself and this is your ONE selfish moment. This one time that is just for you! Sound similar?

 

But you know, you can't unring the bell. So talk to a therapist. See why you are here and what it means; what is the driving motivation.

 

And sometimes just making it "public" helps to clear some of the romantic cobwebs away. Cuz it sounds so nice and shiny and lovely in your head, right? :laugh:

 

The best way, I have learned, to help prevent this is to start making it public to your spouse. I am not sure if you are there yet but the more you lay bare to him, the more it helps give you his reaction/feelings to take into the equation and may actually lead to a better bonding moment for you two.

 

But first, I really think talking to a professional about everything you have gone through would be greatly beneficial. Give yourself 4 months. Try and figure out if this is what you want but investing in therapy, your spouse, maybe even marital counseling, before pulling this trigger. So if you do it, assume you have pulled the death blow to the marriage. And think about the marriage after the affair and what your thoughts, expectations, and aspirations are for it.

 

 

 

If I could message you that would be great. There was a near fatal point. In 2008. I had a severe infection that landed me in the hospital... I returned home to find out my husband was immersed in his addiction. It nearly destroyed us. That was HIS screw up.

 

But no, we haven't crossed that threshold , the MM and I. Besides naughty pictures and naughty texts. A couple stolen kisses..... No then further than that....

 

And you're right. It could possibly be the death blow to my marriage. It would cause issues with my oldest, middle son, and my youngest son at school.... They would all get teased and bullied. My military wives are awful. I'm thinking of the far reaching effects here besides just our family's inner circle. Jeezus.

 

I'm just tired of feeing ignored and undesirable and unwanted. My husband loves me, but I'm not shown or treated as a desirable attractive woman to him. I could wear make up and lingerie and he wouldn't notice. It's heartbreaking.

[whichwayisup]

Originally Posted by Islandwhitewave

No, I need the therapy desperately. It'll help with getting past my feelings that I'm undesirable and that I look deformed. I have scars everywhere. And it's such a hang up. It's so hard to ok at myself naked , but when another man says hey you look sexy... It's intoxicating. When my husband has been giving me very little attention for years... He cares for me and I love that he's stuck with me. He just has a tough time doing the affection thing. Or making me feel sexy. I feel invisible.

 

I don't want to divorce or leave him... I just don't want to feel like a deformed troll anymore

 

See you view yourself one way but women who have had cancer and have scars are courageous and strong, beautiful women. Your H can tell you 100x that he finds you sexy, beautiful and hot! Until you yourself believe it, nobody else can make you feel good about yourself until YOU love YOURSELF.

Fact!!

You view yourself as troll...View yourself as a survivor, a fighter, a warrior, a hot and sexy MILF! Scars you have are part of you and you need to accept that. Your H loves you but needs a 2x4 across the head to see that you need his affection, words and in actions. TALK TO HIM about this. Tell him "you're THIS close" to have an affair and he better wake up.

 

Also, it goes both ways, you both have to work hard to make your marriage better. Do nice things for one another, not just him to make you feel good. Go on dates, give flowers (both ways) etc..

[Dontfindme]

If I could message you that would be great. There was a near fatal point. In 2008. I had a severe infection that landed me in the hospital... I returned home to find out my husband was immersed in his addiction. It nearly destroyed us. That was HIS screw up.

 

But no, we haven't crossed that threshold , the MM and I. Besides naughty pictures and naughty texts. A couple stolen kisses..... No then further than that....

 

And you're right. It could possibly be the death blow to my marriage. It would cause issues with my oldest, middle son, and my youngest son at school.... They would all get teased and bullied. My military wives are awful. I'm thinking of the far reaching effects here besides just our family's inner circle. Jeezus.

 

I'm just tired of feeing ignored and undesirable and unwanted. My husband loves me, but I'm not shown or treated as a desirable attractive woman to him. I could wear make up and lingerie and he wouldn't notice. It's heartbreaking.

 

I think your situation resonates with me so much because my dad, too, had cancer. As if that excuses ANYTHING.

 

If you really think that is a valid excuse, I am telling you from the perspective of a kid - that it isn't. Betrayal trumps all.

 

Anyway, I think I was fairly rude in my previous post, and I do apologize for my outburst.

[Islandwhitewave]

Seems like you have made up your mind - so have fun.

 

I just found out yesterday that my dad had an affair, so f*ck that guy. 25 years worth of respect gone. I'm sure your kids will love hearing about your little rendezvous, because you are such a deformed troll. I'm rolling my eyes at your lame excuses.

 

Boohoo.cry me a river. Sorry your dad had a little romp. This isn't about your dad. Open your eyes and read sweetheart, if that's too much work for you, might want to dry your eyes a little more and stop sniveling. K?

[Decisiontomake]

I haven't read through all the latest postings on this thread BUT it's not about the logistics - who knows what, open marriages etc - it's about the fact that YOUR emotions are going to get involved. Period. Then you cause yourself a hurt of pain, regardless of the somewhat sterile logistics involved here, that are simply not worth it. Please do yourself a favor and don't start what will become a freight train.

[Got it]

If I could message you that would be great. There was a near fatal point. In 2008. I had a severe infection that landed me in the hospital... I returned home to find out my husband was immersed in his addiction. It nearly destroyed us. That was HIS screw up.

 

But no, we haven't crossed that threshold , the MM and I. Besides naughty pictures and naughty texts. A couple stolen kisses..... No then further than that....

 

And you're right. It could possibly be the death blow to my marriage. It would cause issues with my oldest, middle son, and my youngest son at school.... They would all get teased and bullied. My military wives are awful. I'm thinking of the far reaching effects here besides just our family's inner circle. Jeezus.

 

I'm just tired of feeing ignored and undesirable and unwanted. My husband loves me, but I'm not shown or treated as a desirable attractive woman to him. I could wear make up and lingerie and he wouldn't notice. It's heartbreaking.

 

Okay, focus on that. It is a very reasonable and needed expectation of a husband. And it is hard to have a husband not want you. I understand, my ex didn't have much of a sex drive so there was little lust for me. But if you aren't done with your marriage then focus on this right now, be vulnerable and discuss this with him. Discuss this with a therapist. This is a lot for you both to handle, and since he has had addiction issues and gotten help, his coping mechanisms aren't necessarily healthy either. So you both need some emotional TLC. And you have the right to have this in your marriage.

 

But if you don't get it, is this a marriage you want to stay in? It is okay to divorce, it really is. But try and exhaust every avenue before you do anything so you know, for your own piece of mind and self compass, that you did everything you could. You can't be the only one to do the heavy lifting but unfortunately someone needs to start the process. It isn't fair but let it be you. Jump in first and say "I am fighting for this marriage" "I am fighting for myself". And more the loss you have endured and allow yourself time to see the new you and the amazing aspects from the old and the new.

[whichwayisup]

I mentioned this earlier, not sure if you saw it, but what about talking to your husband about an open marriage? Would you be okay with him being with other women?

[Islandwhitewave]

I think your situation resonates with me so much because my dad, too, had cancer. As if that excuses ANYTHING.

 

If you really think that is a valid excuse, I am telling you from the perspective of a kid - that it isn't. Betrayal trumps all.

 

Anyway, I think I was fairly rude in my previous post, and I do apologize for my outburst.

 

Then I apologize about mine. I kinda retaliated with a bit of flair in mine. Very very sorry. I can't can cut people down pretty badly.

[beach]

Boohoo.cry me a river. Sorry your dad had a little romp. This isn't about your dad. Open your eyes and read sweetheart, if that's too much work for you, might want to dry your eyes a little more and stop sniveling. K?

 

Oh my... Show some compassion to the poster trying to show you another angle to your situation.

 

 

I'd hate to think this would be your response to your H when he finds out.

[Got it]

Oh my... Show some compassion to the poster trying to show you another angle to your situation.

 

 

I'd hate to think this would be your response to your H when he finds out.

 

Stop. The poster was EXCEEDINGLY rude and insulting. Calling someone a deformed troll is inexcusable and how about showing the OP some compassion for what she went through!?!

 

It is two way street.

[CarrieT]

If I could message you that would be great.

You have to be here a month and have something like 50+ posts to obtain those privileges.

 

And as for people ticking you off, you are giving as well as receiving. Many who are calling you on things are people who have - and have NOT - survived affairs and hate to see the genesis of one starting when there is a possibility to help stop it. They will do so by offering their own experiences and pain, so please don't diminish the message the way you did with "Dontfindme."

 

We are here to help you, if you let us.

[Islandwhitewave]

Okay. That makes perfect sense! Of COURSE you want to be desired. Of course you are going to struggle seeing yourself as a woman now. This is very common, and you are not alone. Honey, I am sure you have been dealing with depression, anxiety, and a loss of direction with everything. Your world has been flipped upside down. This is going to knock the strongest person on their heels. Be kind to yourself.

 

But talk to someone. I would say, talk them, and then bring him in. He may be afraid to touch you, afraid of having almost lost you, afraid that this is a powder keg waiting to blow up.

 

But, honey, you have to start forgiving and loving yourself first. No one else can do this for you. This guy can't make you be less afraid of your body. Maybe in the moment but those thoughts will be there. You have to work through that.

 

There are so many books out there on this. I will look up a few for you and maybe that will help you. There are online support groups for this as well that might be really helpful to join.

 

I am really sorry for everything and I can imagine how alone you feel. But you aren't alone. I don't think the affair is going to give you what you are looking for but a coping mechanism to try and get someone to say you are lovely, sexy, and loveable.

 

But you need to say that to yourself. Can you?

 

Jeezus this made me burst into tears. You struck a chord. I look at the scars, I feel the pain every day I have to go back in for more testing on my left breast for possible cancer again , then this man comes out and offered support and started calling me sexy and it was intoxicating and like a moth to a flame I wanted it. I needed the attention.

 

I couldn't even get naked in front of my husband for years. I was so disgusted. My right breast was removed. I had it reconstructed. I have I large hip scar , scars on my abdomen from cysts that form from sutures popping out. They're hideous. For someone to say I'm sexy... It was something I needed so much for so many years that I didn't get from my husband. He just failed to *see* me as a woman but a sickly thing that needed 24 hour care that was going to break.

[Islandwhitewave]

Oh my... Show some compassion to the poster trying to show you another angle to your situation.

 

 

I'd hate to think this would be your response to your H when he finds out.

 

I apologized to her. When she responded next, I apologized because she continued reading along the replies. I felt terrible

[whichwayisup]

Stop. The poster was EXCEEDINGLY rude and insulting. Calling someone a deformed troll is inexcusable and how about showing the OP some compassion for what she went through!?!

 

It is two way street.

 

The OP called herself a deformed troll...

 

I don't want to divorce or leave him... I just don't want to feel like a deformed troll anymore

[Islandwhitewave]

I mentioned this earlier, not sure if you saw it, but what about talking to your husband about an open marriage? Would you be okay with him being with other women?

 

I've considered this as well. I've thought about it.

[whichwayisup]

Jeezus this made me burst into tears. You struck a chord. I look at the scars, I feel the pain every day I have to go back in for more testing on my left breast for possible cancer again , then this man comes out and offered support and started calling me sexy and it was intoxicating and like a moth to a flame I wanted it. I needed the attention.

 

I couldn't even get naked in front of my husband for years. I was so disgusted. My right breast was removed. I had it reconstructed. I have I large hip scar , scars on my abdomen from cysts that form from sutures popping out. They're hideous. For someone to say I'm sexy... It was something I needed so much for so many years that I didn't get from my husband. He just failed to *see* me as a woman but a sickly thing that needed 24 hour care that was going to break.

 

My friend has been through what you've been through, scars and feels insecure. She got help, did counseling, and still is in the process of working on her self esteem.

 

Bolded - Then that dynamic of him being the care taker has to stop. Show him that you're a loving and beautiful woman that he needs to love and adore on all levels, not just in name.

[Friskyone4u]

Seems like you are paying a lot of lip service as to how you know how wrong this is but are determined you are going to do it anyway. You are now about to enter a alas Vegas crapshoot where you are betting the ranch that your husband will not leave you when you get caught, and you will. Your MM will also ruin his military career if this explodes but I guess that is ok with you too.

No one is judging you but you came to the forum for advice. I guess you expected everyone to tell you to have fun betraying your husband and family.

A better suggestion would be to get yourself a "super rabbit"!and fantasize all you want to. That way you might save your marriage and not blow up a few careers and families.

Or at least have the talk with your husband , tell him what you want , or need, and give him some respect so that all four of you are in on this project.

Cheating with his best friend is going to produce a much more devastating reaction when you are caught than a ONS. I guess you will probably find that out the hard way

[Islandwhitewave]

The OP called herself a deformed troll...

 

And the other poster and myself are cool... She realized she was rude, I felt like total poo from my own post after I saw her admit that her wording was a bit on the rude side.... We can let it go. I have no beef with her. I hope she can forgive me for letting fly some rude wording towards her. It happens.

[Islandwhitewave]

I'm just thinking right now. I need to do a lot of it. I'll be back with updates on day with or without contact. I need support so please help me with this. It's like an addiction to wanting the contact with this guy. I'll go to the other woman forum. Thanks all. You all gave me so much to think about.

[sunburned]

 

I'm on the cusp... I'm about to make that leap into being the OW.

 

Yeh! Come on in, the water is fine!

 

Join the party, it's worked out beautifully for all of us!!!:p

[DKT3]

Now, your opening up some.

 

Here is a thought, is it possible that you have transfered your dislike and uncomfort with your body on your husband? You say you haven't been able to get naked in front of him for years. To me this is yelling out loud. Then in come the MM, who you don't really care about. He finds you attractive, and since his opinion may not matter as much to you maybe the thought of being naked or sexual with him seems easier.

 

I think talking to your husband could help a great deal. Focus on how it makes you feel that he isn't being sexual with you or you don't feel desired. I guessing that he has picked up on you low comfort level about your body and doesn't push.

 

Also, maybe open marriage is something that interest you. Hell maybe it interest him as well. None of this will be known if you don't talk to him about it.

 

Lastly, having an affair isn't going to help or fix anything. It will just shift the issues and create a wider gap. Even if your husband were to never find out. You would know. It would create a distance as you became more emotionally involved. Remember the MM has nothing on the line in terms of his marriage, you on the other hand have everything on the line.