NJ123 Posted November 21, 2014 Share Posted November 21, 2014 Well, depending oh how tall she is... ha. good one. Link to post Share on other sites
OwMyEyeball Posted November 21, 2014 Share Posted November 21, 2014 Very interesting. And that is the path that I see myself going down. Even when I had friends that I regularly spent time with, I was still obsessing about trying to get into a relationship. That was something that the guys frequently gave me a hard time about. Though once I'm actually in a relationship, I'm completely relaxed and just enjoy life. I'm sure somebody here noticed that I pretty much stopped posting here when I was in my relationship. That was because I wasn't obsessing about it at all. I was just living in the moment. Yeah I tried to be a good boyfriend but I wasn't at her beck and call trying to do everything I could to keep her happy. I'm far too easy going for that. That's pretty much like the saying, "It takes money to make money." People are more attractive to others when they are happy and satisfied. But if one requires a partner to be happy and satisfied, they aren't going to be attractive. And so they never become attractive and never get that partner. The loop goes on forever. Again we come to the false belief that one requires a romantic relationship to feel fulfillment and joy in their hearts. But I can't claim to know your heart. I know only mine. And my experience has been that through going out into this world and trying out new activities I have stumbled across several worth making into hobbies; even habits, and that when I take the time and diligence to practice them - sometimes this requires work and effort! - I come out a happier and more satisfied man. Sometimes I even make a good friend. Those types of relationships are precious for their own reasons. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr Scorpio Posted November 21, 2014 Share Posted November 21, 2014 How do you know what to develop? You have to find out what you are good at. Few people can just decide that they want to do some random thing and master it. I disagree. Very few people are naturally gifted at playing an instrument. Most people grind through it. I can stand out as a musician because I made the decision that I wanted to be good at it. I'm no master, but I could stand out. But I'm not so sure that you even need to stand out. For all your troubles you're persistent in the hunt. You don't have problem with initial contact, and that is what standing out helps provide. Rather, you're problem seems to be with reeling them in. To that end, perhaps consider thinking of the issue as less you needing to stand out and more you needing to cultivate a more interesting version of yourself. Sure, someone who is really good at something is going to stand out. But are they going to be enjoyable to be around? Not necessarily. But someone who has a well-rounded life consisting of fun and interesting things? At this point we know that you enjoy (1) video games and (2) salsa dancing. That isn't a lot to work with for women who might notice you. Don't worry about "standing out", "mastering things" or "being good". Is someone who enjoys white-water rafting "good" at it? Or someone who likes attending wine tasting events and live jazz? Are they skilled in that area? Camping? Reading about history? Hitting antique shops? Museums? Seeing independent films at the local theater that only plays independent films? Trying out micro-breweries? Spending time on the water? Binge watching dramas on Netflix? Grilling w/ friends? Going to concerts and sporting events? Playing with pets? Road-trips? Amusement parks? Bonfires? Exercise? Hunting down obscure records at the local record store? Hitting up local ethnic festivals and trying the unique food? Going out and trying the cool local restaurants that use crazy ingredients? Playing board games? Ok.. I guess someone could be bad at board games. But who cares if your bad at something? Just make it some sort of drinking game and everyone has fun. But if a woman knew you were into even half of the above, you might come across as a hell of a lot more interesting than "video games and salsa". your portfolio! 14 Link to post Share on other sites
Phoe Posted November 21, 2014 Share Posted November 21, 2014 There were a bunch of women on this site alone that admitted to me that they wouldn't date a shorter guy period with no exceptions. And there are a bunch of women on this site alone who would date, have dated, and ARE CURRENTLY dating shorter guys. Does that mean nothing? 10 Link to post Share on other sites
NJ123 Posted November 21, 2014 Share Posted November 21, 2014 And there are a bunch of women on this site alone who would date, have dated, and ARE CURRENTLY dating shorter guys. Does that mean nothing? I know that, but I was just saying that it's possible that those 2 particular women he was trying to get with might strictly prefer taller men that's all. And even somedude's lady friend admitted herself that she only prefers taller guys. So why wouldn't it be possible that these other 2 women feel the same way? I don't understand why everyone is getting so angry about me asking a legitimate question. Link to post Share on other sites
Anela Posted November 21, 2014 Share Posted November 21, 2014 To that end, perhaps consider thinking of the issue as less you needing to stand out and more you needing to cultivate a more interesting version of yourself. This was what I came back to point out. I don't think you need to be exceptional at anything, just broaden your horizons. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Rejected Rosebud Posted November 21, 2014 Share Posted November 21, 2014 I'm afraid that being "well rounded" isn't going to be good enough. The last thing I want to do is be a 45 year old guy working on in a good career, having group of friends that I do activities with that I enjoy, and coming home to an empty house which stays empty. That's the future I see for myself if I don't figure out what it takes to have women be interested in me. I don't want to hurt your feelings but you are on a track now to being that 45 year old guy in the empty house WITHOUT the friends, career, and activities. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Teknoe Posted November 21, 2014 Share Posted November 21, 2014 One thing many people seem to overlook is SD is wired a certain way, and has grown way too accustomed to his lonely lifestyle. We tell him make friends, but the idea either exhausts him, frightens him or he is completely meh toward it. Either way, it's a strong feeling and isn't likely to change just because a dozen internet strangers tells him to "just make friends." SD is who he is, and no combination or string of "magic words" is going to make it suddenly click for him. He's going to have to journey through this on his own. Advice we see as natural, common and obvious, he may (and probably does) have a serious anxiety of. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
lollipopspot Posted November 21, 2014 Share Posted November 21, 2014 I don't understand why everyone is getting so angry about me asking a legitimate question. Because a lot of people here have spent a lot of time picking SD up off the floor where he's been crumpled in a "short guys are victims and will never get a girlfriend" heap. We all have things that make us undesirable to a certain percentage of the population. It does no good for him to attribute his general lack of success to something he has little control over. He needs to focus on the things he does have control over. Some of the guys who have tried to help SD are his same height. Some of the females (myself included) have dated someone his height. So his height is not the thing that has kept him struggling and dateless. He doesn't need any more suggestion that it is, because it's not true. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Emilia Posted November 21, 2014 Share Posted November 21, 2014 I don't understand why everyone is getting so angry about me asking a legitimate question. Because that assertion has been doing the rounds here for years for insecure guys to hide behind stature rather than deal with the real issues in their lives (personality, character, etc). 7 Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted November 21, 2014 Share Posted November 21, 2014 That's the same exact thing. How do you know what to develop? You have to find out what you are good at. Few people can just decide that they want to do some random thing and master it. It usually develops from interests. Do you have absolutely no interest in the people and world around you, other than dating young women? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
sillyanswer Posted November 21, 2014 Share Posted November 21, 2014 I'm afraid that being "well rounded" isn't going to be good enough. The last thing I want to do is be a 45 year old guy working on in a good career, having group of friends that I do activities with that I enjoy, and coming home to an empty house which stays empty. That's the future I see for myself if I don't figure out what it takes to have women be interested in me. Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
sillyanswer Posted November 21, 2014 Share Posted November 21, 2014 Very interesting. And that is the path that I see myself going down. Even when I had friends that I regularly spent time with, I was still obsessing about trying to get into a relationship. That was something that the guys frequently gave me a hard time about. Though once I'm actually in a relationship, I'm completely relaxed and just enjoy life. I'm sure somebody here noticed that I pretty much stopped posting here when I was in my relationship. That was because I wasn't obsessing about it at all. I was just living in the moment. Yeah I tried to be a good boyfriend but I wasn't at her beck and call trying to do everything I could to keep her happy. I'm far too easy going for that. This anxiety you get when you're not in a relationship... perhaps consider talking to a doctor about it. Obsessing isn't healthy. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
thefooloftheyear Posted November 21, 2014 Share Posted November 21, 2014 I'm afraid that being "well rounded" isn't going to be good enough. The last thing I want to do is be a 45 year old guy working on in a good career, having group of friends that I do activities with that I enjoy, and coming home to an empty house which stays empty. That's the future I see for myself if I don't figure out what it takes to have women be interested in me. Ugh..... Women have no control over what you do with your life...And if you are giving them that much control, you are in serious trouble..YOU make your life...They DONT... Think about it this way.... The percentage of marriages that end in divorce is now well over 50%.,,Of the remaining, probably 40% are staying together for kids, money, whatever.. Non married relationships(I dont know the stats) are likely way worse in terms of long term viability... Its a horrible mindset that makes you think this makes or breaks you....And you are compounding your problem by picking a group of girls that are indecisive, immature, impetuous, flaky, fliighty, etc....and hoping THEY will lead you to the path of righteousness and balance...forget it...Its like chasing a rainbow or tying a bloody side of beef to your ass and walking through the lions den...You are(and have been) going to get knocked down... If you cant see how ffcked up this is, then you will be spinning your wheels forever.. TFY 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted November 21, 2014 Share Posted November 21, 2014 (edited) The last thing I want to do is be a 45 year old guy working on in a good career, having group of friends that I do activities with that I enjoy, and coming home to an empty house which stays empty. I would have thought that the REAL last thing you would want to do is to be a 45 yo guy with zero career, zero friends, zero hobbies, and coming home after a day of panhandling to your spot on the sidewalk (which would likely also be empty). Putting more effort into your career not only increases your prospects but also helps YOU. You have no idea how difficult it is to succeed in that aspect. For most people it's harder than finding a girl to date (though I agree that finding someone compatible for a lasting relationship is equally hard, but lets not put the cart before the horse here). Plus, your dating track record has actually been better than your career record. I've said this before, I'm sure, but your concern for your future is entirely in the wrong place. Edited November 21, 2014 by Elswyth 8 Link to post Share on other sites
DrReplyInRhymes Posted November 21, 2014 Share Posted November 21, 2014 (edited) At this point we know that you enjoy (1) video games and (2) salsa dancing. That isn't a lot to work with for women who might notice you. Don't worry about "standing out", "mastering things" or "being good". Is someone who enjoys white-water rafting "good" at it? Or someone who likes attending wine tasting events and live jazz? Are they skilled in that area? Camping? Reading about history? Hitting antique shops? Museums? Seeing independent films at the local theater that only plays independent films? Trying out micro-breweries? Spending time on the water? Binge watching dramas on Netflix? Grilling w/ friends? Going to concerts and sporting events? Playing with pets? Road-trips? Amusement parks? Bonfires? Exercise? Hunting down obscure records at the local record store? Hitting up local ethnic festivals and trying the unique food? Going out and trying the cool local restaurants that use crazy ingredients? Playing board games? Ok.. I guess someone could be bad at board games. But who cares if your bad at something? Just make it some sort of drinking game and everyone has fun. But if a woman knew you were into even half of the above, you might come across as a hell of a lot more interesting than "video games and salsa". your portfolio! This post is absolutely golden, there is no other on this site. There is so much depth and truth to it, much to my delight! Mr Scorpio has literally given you to the keys to Pandora's box, A treasure map to follow, with instructions and building blocks. This man, from his response, is trying to help you somedude And your own thinking process has your awesomeness subdued. However, this specific post has resonated so deeply with me I've actually cut and paste that list, and I'm planning on following it to a T. Am I in a relationship right now, much like you my friend? No is the answer, but it won't be the end. I've also been called boring, although how much of that is true? I'm sure she was just mad at the fact that I cut her loose. I wish I could plaster this post for all to see, It's so amazing, its got everything you need. It's a literally a roadmap in the art of becoming actualized, boiled down to words understood and are completely factualized. I can't praise this enough, its one of the most powerful posts I've seen, In my drunken stupor last night, I stumbled across that and it made me serene. I couldn't reply, not in the state that I was in, But I remembered to come back and thank you for this recipe to "win". It's members like you that I give absolute respect. It's a post that is deep and easy to understand, not something to neglect. It's members like you that make this forum a place of awe, And to somedude, I hope this post is your metaphorical coup de grace. Edited November 21, 2014 by DrReplyInRhymes It's pronounced ko͞o də ˈɡräs 10 Link to post Share on other sites
normal person Posted November 21, 2014 Share Posted November 21, 2014 That's the same exact thing. How do you know what to develop? You have to find out what you are good at. Few people can just decide that they want to do some random thing and master it. Do something you enjoy, and be happy about doing it. Let it be something that makes you outwardly better and more appealing (like salsa dancing), and not something totally insular that wastes time and removes you from reality (like video games, television, or the internet). Link to post Share on other sites
GemmaUK Posted November 21, 2014 Share Posted November 21, 2014 I have to be honest about something here... Normal Person's post led me to it.. It's something my friends and I have discussed on occasions. If a man goes to dance classes then we have had a vibe whether they attend because they like dancing and are interested in it or that they only attend to meet women. Having gone to a Salsa class myself and knowing a friend who still goes to that class it is glaringly obvious the guys who are there out of interest in the activity and those who are there out of wanting to meet someone. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
rester Posted November 21, 2014 Share Posted November 21, 2014 I have to be honest about something here... Normal Person's post led me to it.. It's something my friends and I have discussed on occasions. If a man goes to dance classes then we have had a vibe whether they attend because they like dancing and are interested in it or that they only attend to meet women. Having gone to a Salsa class myself and knowing a friend who still goes to that class it is glaringly obvious the guys who are there out of interest in the activity and those who are there out of wanting to meet someone. I've been told by women that do yoga that it's the same in yoga classes. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
GemmaUK Posted November 21, 2014 Share Posted November 21, 2014 I've been told by women that do yoga that it's the same in yoga classes. I do yoga. haven't been to many classes though but those I did attend and guys were there.. yes it is the same! Link to post Share on other sites
Rejected Rosebud Posted November 21, 2014 Share Posted November 21, 2014 Yes to the yoga thing, and I really resent it too. The guy in my yoga class isn't even trying with the yoga and it's creepy how he leers and tries to talk to the women, yoga is an internal kind of thing and that is intrusive. At least social dancing is SOCIAL! I guess this is off topic though Link to post Share on other sites
Author somedude81 Posted November 21, 2014 Author Share Posted November 21, 2014 I have to be honest about something here... Normal Person's post led me to it.. It's something my friends and I have discussed on occasions. If a man goes to dance classes then we have had a vibe whether they attend because they like dancing and are interested in it or that they only attend to meet women. Having gone to a Salsa class myself and knowing a friend who still goes to that class it is glaringly obvious the guys who are there out of interest in the activity and those who are there out of wanting to meet someone. The dancing is totally something I do for fun. But it's also something I do to meet women. What I really want is a girlfriend who loves to go out dancing. I want to have a regular partner and we become better dancers together. Plus dancing with a girl I like is an awesome experience. Link to post Share on other sites
OwMyEyeball Posted November 21, 2014 Share Posted November 21, 2014 The dancing is totally something I do for fun. But it's also something I do to meet women. What I really want is a girlfriend who loves to go out dancing. I want to have a regular partner and we become better dancers together. Plus dancing with a girl I like is an awesome experience. Here's a good gauge for genuine passion: Would you continue dancing if you had no opportunity to meet women? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Rejected Rosebud Posted November 21, 2014 Share Posted November 21, 2014 What I really want is a girlfriend who loves to go out dancing. I want to have a regular partner and we become better dancers together. Plus dancing with a girl I like is an awesome experience. Maybe you could join a social dancing club or studio outside of school so you can meet other adults with the same interest! Link to post Share on other sites
Author somedude81 Posted November 21, 2014 Author Share Posted November 21, 2014 Here's a good gauge for genuine passion: Would you continue dancing if you had no opportunity to meet women? Why is that a good gauge for genuine passion? Why not a question such as: Would you continue dancing if you meet a woman? Link to post Share on other sites
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