Author LukeRBetts Posted November 23, 2014 Author Share Posted November 23, 2014 Why is doing this so soon? Introducing a guy to your kids. That's extremely selfish and cruel of her to do to them. They are newly adjusting to this separation and to have a new 'friend' forced upon them is WRONG. Shame on her to not consider their feelings. She should be waiting AT LEAST a year, if not more! You two aren't even officially divorced and she's putting this on them? Again, SHAME on her. Focus that anger into a punching bag at the gym. Love your kids and just enjoy and cherish the time you have when you're with them. They aren't stupid, they know what's what and your ex is hanging herself in their eyes. i keep asking myself the same question, but its not worth asking, she isnt the woman i love.... shes someone else now.... i dont understand what shes doing or why shes doing it, and if i do try to understand i will just loose it all together, and i dont want to go there..... its out of my hands....i want to do something about it...but if i do, ill only hurt the relationship with my kids....so its best that i suck it up and work through it. I hate this pain.... but i keep telling myself that i have to deal with it for the kids sake...and my relationship with them....because more than anything i want to be there dad. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted November 23, 2014 Share Posted November 23, 2014 i keep asking myself the same question, but its not worth asking, she isnt the woman i love.... shes someone else now.... i dont understand what shes doing or why shes doing it, and if i do try to understand i will just loose it all together, and i dont want to go there..... its out of my hands....i want to do something about it...but if i do, ill only hurt the relationship with my kids....so its best that i suck it up and work through it. I hate this pain.... but i keep telling myself that i have to deal with it for the kids sake...and my relationship with them....because more than anything i want to be there dad. Your kids have the right to NOT be around this guy and they can and should speak up to their mom, tell her they don't want to meet or hang out with her 'new boyfriend'. How old are your kids? Link to post Share on other sites
Author LukeRBetts Posted November 28, 2014 Author Share Posted November 28, 2014 well guys i caved..... i couldnt take the pain so i went to her.... she was upset as well.....not because of our marriage but someone else. But we talked ..... and she told me everything she been doing.... i was gutted shocked and discusted. the things this woman has been doing i would have never thought a person like her would ever do..... wow...i cried i begged her to stop..... i emtionally vomited everywere.....................................................but it wont stop her...i know that. I came to realise what everyone on here says, this only makes the situation worse. But after ripping myself apart with what shes been up too.... i truely felt phyically sick, i have no respect for this woman now.... i cant love someone i dont respect and i cant go back to someone who does what shes doing. I realised my worth and my worth to our children. So im still hurting, and yeah back to square one..... but this time i think the hope is gone....that i know the future doesnt have her in it..... Its time to live for me. Link to post Share on other sites
LifesontheUp Posted November 28, 2014 Share Posted November 28, 2014 Its time to live for me. You need to keep this as your mantra. You cannot control her, but you can control yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
DSP Posted December 1, 2014 Share Posted December 1, 2014 Luke it's time to regroup. You did what you thought was right at the time. Do not regret it. If you didn't go to her and ask why it would eat at you for ever. It wasn't what you wanted to hear, but it was what you needed to know. It's over. You have closure now. You are lucky. Pray you don't have to deal with parental alienation. Start reading up on it now. You are going to have to hear how freaking awesome the new guy is and it's going to tear your soul in half. Learn about parallel parenting not just co parenting. Walk away... just grab your child by the hand, smile and walk away. Keep working on you in every way. You are going to have to pull yourself back together not just for you or your children, but the next soul that will cross your path and make you better. This is far from over you have more tough times ahead. Take solace in knowing you can have closure now. You now know it's over for good. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LukeRBetts Posted December 3, 2014 Author Share Posted December 3, 2014 Thanks DSP, yeah i expect tough times ahead....and the emotional rollercoaster is full on atm......but my head has an easier time of over ruling what my heart wants....and it wants her, But i know it isnt right and that its just me feeling lost and insercure and wanting comfort back in my life..... and my life wont be comfortable for some time yet unfortunatly.... but it is what it is and trying to work on my, but i guess rebuilding is a slow process at first..... im working out loosing weight, phyically i havnt looked this good since i was in my early 20s....hopefully the rest will catch up soon Cheers all.... this place has been a place to find strength when i didnt think i had it.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author LukeRBetts Posted December 26, 2014 Author Share Posted December 26, 2014 well i just sat here an re read my thoughts and you comments thus far. You people are truley amazing and i appreciate the support to no end. Time heals, and man i still got hell of a long way to go, but im not cripplied by it any more.... is there still....the hurt and sorrow.... but its not longer slowing me down. I have struggled with the NC...and amit to blowing it on several occasions...but i know were i stand...and im starting to know who i am now. The kids are all doing well.... we all had christmas together yesterday as we both thought this being the first xmas seperated that we would both make it about the kids, it work...was strained at time..but for the most part we got through it ok and the kids had a great day....Next yet will be different though. So now time on sit and think about new years resolutions and what i want from next year Merry Christamas and happy new year to you all Luke 2 Link to post Share on other sites
DSP Posted December 26, 2014 Share Posted December 26, 2014 Merry Christmas to you Luke. Time to make next year a better one. Link to post Share on other sites
bubbaganoosh Posted December 26, 2014 Share Posted December 26, 2014 (edited) well the day as come, i was warned, and ive been waiting. My ex is introducing my kids to a "freind". Not much i can do about it or say, i want to go and punch the guy in the face and tell him to F@#k off.....but it wont change anything, will make me look like the bad guy in my kids eyes, so i gotta suck it up and get past it . OOO i cant wait till all this crap doesnt affect me anymore. Luke OK Luke. I know what your dealing with when it comes to the kids and Moms "Friend". I had to learn the hard way with wife #1 and paid a price for it but when wife #2 decided to step out of the marriage and it ended I realizes something and that was that we all come into this world with one mother and one father. It doesn't matter if your wife takes up with Jesus Christ himself, the kids know who their father is and you don't need to remind them of it, they know that your dad and this bum that mom dragged in isn't. Wife#2 boyfriend came up to me and told me that he wouldn't interfere with me and my daughter and try to take over. My reply to him was he can't. She's mine and always will be mine and that he should try acting more like a man and worry about his own children and his wife. I didn't sweat it because I had a good relationship with my kid and it was going to take a hell of a lot more that some ass wipe to drive a wedge between us. Stop sweating it. They know who dad is. Edited December 26, 2014 by bubbaganoosh Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted December 26, 2014 Share Posted December 26, 2014 It's okay to be sad and to take babysteps forward - but you will heal. Don't worry about the kids. They know who their real father is. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LukeRBetts Posted August 10, 2015 Author Share Posted August 10, 2015 well its been awhile since i posted, so i thought id do an update. I sat back for nearly a year after we seperated, praying and wishing for her to come back. Never really got the NC down pat. Talked to her.... even had sex with her every now and then. I really missed the intamacy. But she was still playing the feild and i still had my rose coloured glasses on....only seeing the good side of her. Well the day came..... she started a relationship with a guy.... didnt really know him well enough..... he was about to move in. Then she found out he was an ice addict, she broke it off with him. Then the games started. He threatened her, and threatened to come around to my place and take the kids and all sorts of stuff. I confronted him, he went to water...dont think he realised how big i am LOL. Anyway this enraged me....1 she had told her BF were i lived.... and she had put my kids in danger dating ****heads like this......told her she need to make sure she knows a person before getting our kids involved. Any way this rattled her..... she asked me to move in. I was over the moon...my prayers have been answered.......all i was hoping for. Well its wasnt....i moved back in...was great for a few weeks.....but everytime she was on her phone or anything i asked what she was doing.... who was she talking too.....i couldnt trust her. She was still talking to some of the guys she had slept with.....but they were only "freinds" now. Then about 4 weeks in......she went distant again. I asked whats up.... she let slip that she thinks she is in love with someone else...and didnt realise it till now. So she went and stayed with a freind for 5 days ....to work things out. Anyway she came back....said it was me she wanted. But again the trust thing....a week later i asked her the question.....did she sleep with that guy when she stayed at her freinds place..... she wouldnt give me a straight answer. Found out several days later she did sleep with him....But her excuse was...she had to....to know if it was meant to be or not. I still stayed. She still talked to other guys.....i put up with it.... But i couldnt sleep well.... i poured everything into rebuilding....But i wasnt happy.....i hurt more living with her than when i wasnt living with her. Then my daughter was sick.... i was sitting in the ER at 2 am.... she was home drunk...and proceeded to rip into me through text.....saying stuff like she should have never hitched her wagon to an idiot.... .....just destroyed me to be honest. That was it....that was the moment i broke...i couldnt keep destroying myself to try and get her to love me....she wont.....she has no respect for me. A week later i moved out...im on my own again...i feel peace. Its not really closure on our marriage..... but i know i would never put myself through that again for anyone. So its as close to closure as possible. A freind of my told me to google Narsissim.....i did that and i was blown away.....how didnt i see it. And knowing about it gave me answers to alot of questions i couldnt find answers too. So to all you people out there that are wishing to get back with cheating spouses.....becareful what you wish for..... are you really willing to give that last bit of your dignty away. Once there gone....theres no going back.....i learnt the hard way 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted August 11, 2015 Share Posted August 11, 2015 Once there gone....theres no going back.....i learnt the hard way Since the lesson cost you so much, hope there's substantial resolve behind your decision. Someone as self-destructive as she is will eventually circle back to you again, looking for money, companionship, a place to stay...and more. Are you strong enough to say no ??? Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted August 11, 2015 Share Posted August 11, 2015 Why would you think that those 18 years are thrown away? They still happened and they weren't thrown away. They were still part of the experience called your life, and they were good, yes? It's just that now you will embark on a new direction in the same life. Just something new and different but it's still your life. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted August 11, 2015 Share Posted August 11, 2015 And I just want to know how looking at porn on a little tiny phone screen is even enjoyable? Link to post Share on other sites
Author LukeRBetts Posted August 11, 2015 Author Share Posted August 11, 2015 Since the lesson cost you so much, hope there's substantial resolve behind your decision. Someone as self-destructive as she is will eventually circle back to you again, looking for money, companionship, a place to stay...and more. Are you strong enough to say no ??? Mr. Lucky Yes.... after the 2nd round of getting walked all over i have been left with alot of resentment and anger....i have seen her for who she truely is... Link to post Share on other sites
Majormisstep Posted August 11, 2015 Share Posted August 11, 2015 Why would you think that those 18 years are thrown away? They still happened and they weren't thrown away. They were still part of the experience called your life, and they were good, yes? It's just that now you will embark on a new direction in the same life. Just something new and different but it's still your life. Popsicle, will you be my life coach?? Geez, I needed to hear that. What great advice. Luke, one thing I've learned in my years on this planet...people and circumstances change. And it is out of our control. You probably made mistakes in your M and (obviously) so did she. Maybe she one day she will realize her errors and how she hurt you, maybe not. But for now you have no choice but to move forward with your life and in the meantime, stop being the welcome mat for her. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted August 11, 2015 Share Posted August 11, 2015 Just read your update. Sorry I missed it before. I dont get the sense that you're done with her. All she has to do is be sweet to you and turn on the charm and you'll be right back, but that would be a mistake, IMO. she's no good for you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LukeRBetts Posted August 28, 2015 Author Share Posted August 28, 2015 well just another update...... ive gone full No contact, blocked her number and told her to email if she had anything to tell me about the kids.... So there is some peace there at the moment.... but having a low day today. I miss something.....its hard to work out what it is.... do i miss the life i dreamed i would have with her....do i miss the hope that she would all of a sudden snap out of it, or do i miss what we had.... the misery of being with her. I know im not going back......but who would have thought moving forward would be so hard.....its like the fabric between our lives is torn to shreds....but there is 1 or 2 threads holding on....not breaking. I go over all the hurt she has giving me.....all the misery, the manipulation and lies and cheating....and it destroys me.....not sure if its because she did this to me...or am i more angry at myself for putting up with it....the latter makes me feel very depressed, weak and worthless. This is just a rambling of whats going through my head as i type, tommorrow, or 3-4 hours from now ill be out of this funk im sure, but i guess these moment are important part of the process....greiving for a life that once was, never was, never will be. have a great day all Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted August 28, 2015 Share Posted August 28, 2015 The rest of your life is what you will make of it. Divorce her and move on. In the future remember women do not want or respect doormats. The sooner you realize that the better. Good luck Link to post Share on other sites
RightThere Posted August 28, 2015 Share Posted August 28, 2015 I miss something.....its hard to work out what it is.... do i miss the life i dreamed i would have with her....do i miss the hope that she would all of a sudden snap out of it, or do i miss what we had.... the misery of being with her. I have been there my friend. It's really tough (maybe more as a guy) to let go of the image of what you thought you had or where it was all going to go. And it may take some time but once the ice bucket of reality is dumped on you, I've found it's like coming completely out of a dream state and everything around you become clear. The person you thought that you knew, it just the awful person everyone else was able to see. The life you had, was just a broken marriage that one person was trying to fix while the other kept tearing it down. The stark reality is the person you thought she was, is just a figment of your imagination. She never existed and no amount of hope or loving is going to create that person from the reality that exists infront of you. Hang in there because I know it does get better. I too have a child with my ex, so I cannot get that cancer completely out of my life. But I won't allow it to dictate my life to me anymore. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted August 29, 2015 Share Posted August 29, 2015 I know im not going back......but who would have thought moving forward would be so hard.....its like the fabric between our lives is torn to shreds....but there is 1 or 2 threads holding on....not breaking. One thing infidelity, separation and divorce remove from your life is certainty, the feeling of constants in your life that can be relied on. As I processed the ending of my marriage, I realized I didn't miss my wife, I missed the stability our relationship represented - the notion we'd grow old together and finish the journey we'd started. At one time, that seemed carved in stone. Having thought all those things were set, it's destabilizing to find yourself on your own. It takes time to create a new normal and figure out a way forward. Much of the work is done subconsciously and takes time and discipline. Opening yourself up to that which life brings you is the first step and happens at different speeds for different people. It's a process. Let it happen. lean on friends and family to get through it. Keep posting, many here have been through the same thing... Mr. Lucky 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LukeRBetts Posted August 29, 2015 Author Share Posted August 29, 2015 Thats pretty much it Mr Lucky. You kind have a roadmap of your life set out before you, but with the divorce the map dissapears and u lose your direction.... Link to post Share on other sites
SSJROMANCE Posted August 29, 2015 Share Posted August 29, 2015 Wait so she is PISSED off at you looking at porn yet she can go out during a separation and sleep with other guys? How does this compare? Yes you looked at porn and you bent over backwards to make things work. That wasn't good enough for her but instead of trying to heal she SLEEPS with other men? Sometime doesn't smell right. You lost her a long time ago and maybe this gave her an excuse to finally go through with something she had been thinking about for a long time. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LukeRBetts Posted June 26, 2016 Author Share Posted June 26, 2016 (edited) hey all, thought id come back and have a re read through my post, and basically give an update on my life 2 yrs on from when my ex left me. I re read most of my posts.... bought back alot of saddness, but life goes on and im am grateful for these forums, the support you all give is unbeleivable and really helped me through some dark times. You guys are angels. Well since my last post, life has changed.... some of it not so great, the lonely nights, the whole learning to date again... (wholey crap isnt internet dating a freaking nightmare). Anyway ive been dating, have alot of fun meeting new and interesting people.... had a relationship for about 4 months with a lovely lady... but we came to the conclusion we werent suited...and both went our own ways. Then i met another lady, and wow.... words cant describe how she just made my life explode with feelings i didnt know were there. But once bitten twice shy.....taking it easy and see were life takes it. Im happy now, happier than i have been for decades, its been a journey and learning to live again is an uplifting experience, it makes you look at all aspects of your life as you know there was something wrong with what you were doing before, weather it be your relationships, your finances, your socail skills, the list goes on. But you go back over all these, you change them and what comes out in the end is a better well rounded person who isnt reliant on another person to be you. To anyone reading this and is going through what i went through, all i can say is.....hold on to what you know deep down is the right thing.... your heart and your head will be telling you different....but if you know deep down that its over....it is. Alot of time and energy goes into fixing something that is broken, and doing so it eats at your dignity and self respect...dont let it happen to you, you just end up an empty and bitter person. One thing i learnt in all this is TRUST. Trust is the essence of love, with trust comes honesty, companionship, thoughtfulness, compromise all the things that make a healthy relationship..... its hard to get back once its been taken....but dont be scared to trust again.....just choose wisely who to trust. Again thank to all those who took the time out of there day to hear and help my through my journey, im eternally greatful and wish i could buy you all a beer, or a wine for the ladies......im greatful for where i am and the person who came out the otherside, and you guys helped me do that. Luke Edited June 26, 2016 by LukeRBetts Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted June 26, 2016 Share Posted June 26, 2016 How is your coparenting going with your ex? Trust will come back, but you have to really focus on not making the new woman pay for your exes crimes. She is t the one that broke your trust. Link to post Share on other sites
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