oldshirt Posted November 1, 2014 Share Posted November 1, 2014 No. My H doesn't know. But I totally understand your point & appreciate your input. He may not know about it but he is still suffering from the effects of having your attentions and energies directed elsewhere. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Man Mountain Makino Posted November 1, 2014 Share Posted November 1, 2014 I've had an on-line EA with my AP (who is single ) for about 10 months, and now my AP and I know it is best that we should end the relationship due to our guilts and shame. He is supportive of me that I should go back to my husband. Logically, I know the best thing to do is NC. But both my AP (now ex) & I just couldn't cut all ties because we still treasure this emotional connection between us. I had been trying to do the NC for 3 rounds (during this past 3 months) already. But each time, within 2 to 4 days, we are back in chatting (via texts & calls) again. My ideal plan is perhaps we can do NC until I am fully (emotionally 100%) getting back to my marriage & my husband. After that, my ex-AP and I can be like a sister/brother type of relationship in the future. I have no siblings & I have always had wanted a brother figure in my life. Does any of you have any success story that your Ex-AP can be a sibling figure, while you are still going strong in your marriage? All my instincts say this is a terrible idea. Link to post Share on other sites
badkarma2013 Posted November 1, 2014 Share Posted November 1, 2014 No. My H doesn't know. But I totally understand your point & appreciate your input. TELL YOUR HUSBAND...And then tell us all here..How that worked out for YOU.. Link to post Share on other sites
Author PinkJade Posted November 1, 2014 Author Share Posted November 1, 2014 He may not know about it but he is still suffering from the effects of having your attentions and energies directed elsewhere. Yes. That's why I feel terribly guilty and broke up many times during the A. Like Be_Strong said earlier. I'm thinking way ahead of myself (posting this thread question). I agree with everyone here that my focus now should be reconnecting w/ my H. Again, thanks for pointing out the pains I've caused to my husband & my marriage. I knew & I know even more now Link to post Share on other sites
HermioneG Posted November 1, 2014 Share Posted November 1, 2014 Yes. That's why I feel terribly guilty and broke up many times during the A. Like Be_Strong said earlier. I'm thinking way ahead of myself (posting this thread question). I agree with everyone here that my focus now should be reconnecting w/ my H. Again, thanks for pointing out the pains I've caused to my husband & my marriage. I knew & I know even more now Actually/ I think your energy should be in individual counseling to figure out why you allowed yourself to make these choices. Until you fix you, you cannot repair your relationship . Link to post Share on other sites
whatatangledweb Posted November 1, 2014 Share Posted November 1, 2014 If you are still talking to your AP then you are still in an emotional affair. You staying friends with him will be a slap in your husband's face. When you are married you don't die alone. I'm confused about that part. If you were single I would get it. Do you feel your "friendship" with the AP is more important than your marriage? You really can't have a sister/brother relationship with someone you have had an affair with. It would have crossed that line. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
harrybrown Posted November 1, 2014 Share Posted November 1, 2014 Would you like your H to be honest with you and keep his vows? Treat your H the way you would like to be treated. Give him honesty, keep your vows. If you can't stick with NC with the POSOM, then divorce your H. Do not keep him as a backup plan. Give him the truth, let him have an EA like you if his self-esteem is not totally destroyed by your EA. Link to post Share on other sites
thummper Posted November 1, 2014 Share Posted November 1, 2014 Got it. Totally understand your points. But, you're going to ignore everything everyone has said aren't you? You'll find a way to maintain your "friendship" with this other guy anyway regardless of any future consequences. You must not have a lot of respect for your hubby if it's so easy to hit it off romantically with someone else. Poor guy. With you focusing most of your attention on this *sigh* wonderful other man, perhaps your husband is feeling a little lonely, too. He's the one I feel badly about because it sounds like he only has a part-time wife. Link to post Share on other sites
AlwaysGrowing Posted November 1, 2014 Share Posted November 1, 2014 Yes. That's why I feel terribly guilty and broke up many times during the A. Like Be_Strong said earlier. I'm thinking way ahead of myself (posting this thread question). I agree with everyone here that my focus now should be reconnecting w/ my H. Again, thanks for pointing out the pains I've caused to my husband & my marriage. I knew & I know even more now It might be helpful to ask FWS on guidance on how to reconnect and help you unravel the affair thought processes you used. Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted November 1, 2014 Share Posted November 1, 2014 Ask your husband, if he wants your ex AP around? Or are you going to keep your new "brother' a secret, just like you kept the EA secret? See where this is leading? Perhaps it would be better if you would spend more time repairing your marriage, instead of trying to find excuses to keep the AP in your life. Perfect answer! Ask permission from your Hubs. He can say yes or no. But you will need to explain the extent of your "friendship" with this "brotherly type". All in all, it's not fair to the guy even if your H says yes... As he needs the distance from you emotionally to find room for an available woman. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted November 1, 2014 Share Posted November 1, 2014 I've had an on-line EA with my AP (who is single ) for about 10 months, and now my AP and I know it is best that we should end the relationship due to our guilts and shame. He is supportive of me that I should go back to my husband. Logically, I know the best thing to do is NC. But both my AP (now ex) & I just couldn't cut all ties because we still treasure this emotional connection between us. I had been trying to do the NC for 3 rounds (during this past 3 months) already. But each time, within 2 to 4 days, we are back in chatting (via texts & calls) again. My ideal plan is perhaps we can do NC until I am fully (emotionally 100%) getting back to my marriage & my husband. After that, my ex-AP and I can be like a sister/brother type of relationship in the future. I have no siblings & I have always had wanted a brother figure in my life. Does any of you have any success story that your Ex-AP can be a sibling figure, while you are still going strong in your marriage? You're fooling yourself and actually being really selfish too. How unfair to your husband. To try to keep a friendship, bro/sis thing with your exAP! NO way will you ever think/feel of him as 'just' a brother. And, it's still an emotional affair and I doubt your husband would be pleased to know the man you had an affair with is still in your life! End it and go total NC. Put your husband first. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted November 1, 2014 Share Posted November 1, 2014 Thank you JustJoe for your quick response. I know I have been struggling with the same questions you posted here. My ex-AP & I know we won't cross the line in the future. The relationship between us will be strictly platonic. Now he also understand we need to be strictly NC until I emotionally (full 100%) getting back to my H. It is not I'm trying to keep my AP around. It is just being a single child growing up I've always feel very lonely. And my husband doesn't want children. I just don't want someday to die alone. Yes you are trying to keep him around, in the future. Find women friends if you're lonely. Get busy and do fun hobbies that will bring your passion out. You don't need your exAP, he's in the past and it should stay that way. Bolded in italics - DO NOT think so far into the future. That's not a reason to have kids, so you won't die alone. You'll have your H by your side, friends and other family (you have any cousins?). Look, if you really want kids, then divorce your husband. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted November 1, 2014 Share Posted November 1, 2014 "You say you don't want to die alone hence this I is your excuse to continue a relationship with someone you have never met and say you never intend to meet. Can you see how ridiculous this sounds?" - Anne1707 I might sound a bit innocent, but please don't shred on me. Both my ex-AP and I have agreed we will ONLY meet after I fully reconcile my feeling with my husband. I know my priority now is getting back to my H. That's why I broke off this Affair & my ex supports me in this too. Our EA was 10 months. So perhaps it takes the same amount of time for NC, or longer, like 1 year, 2 years, however long it takes for me to be 100% getting back emotionally strong w/ my husband. Does your husband know of your affair? If yes, which I doubt, NO way will he allow you to continue anything with your exOM. Doesn't matter if your exAP supports you in that decision, what about your H? Does he support this? Get some counseling to help you cope with your fears of dying and being alone. Life is too short to worry about stuff like that. Link to post Share on other sites
Try Posted November 1, 2014 Share Posted November 1, 2014 Logically, I know the best thing to do is NC. But both my AP (now ex) & I just couldn't cut all ties because we still treasure this emotional connection between us. That fact that you both "still treasure this emotional connection between" the two of you, is why it is still an ongoing emotional affair (EA), and why you "Logically" "know the best thing to do is NC". I have close ties to my siblings and do not have an "emotional connection" with them like what you describe between you and your affair partner, and do you know why? Because what you feel for your affair partner is not what people feel towards siblings. End the EA, and tell your husband about your EA, and he will tell your affair partner where to go. Link to post Share on other sites
Spectre Posted November 2, 2014 Share Posted November 2, 2014 (edited) I find this deeply disturbing to be honest. You had ROMANTIC feelings at one point here. It will never ever ever be like a brother sister relationship. I can't believe I have to even explain that, but I guess I do. If you feel brothers and sisters act that way then..well, you were told WRONG. I am sorry, you really need to choose either your husband or this other guy. But you honestly have to be crazy to think that after you and your hubby patch things up you can suddenly start hanging out with this guy again. Your husband would have to literally be the man with the least respect for himself in the ENTIRE WORLD. I am talking about literally calling the Guinness Book of World Records just to record the miniscule amount of respect this man would have for himself. In fact, I flat out do not think such a man is even possible. I think a hybrid of Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny is more likely to exist then a man who would be okay with this. Unless you are just planning on hiding it from your husband, but then..who hides a sibling from their husband, am I right? So you shouldn't even be thinking about hiding it so silly me, obviously this guy who is like a brother to you now..ahh, silly stupid me for ever thinking you'd keep something like that from your husband, right? Dumb for me to even ask so I will just go on assuming your plan was to keep your husband informed of this, to which yeah he will not be cool with it. So..yep. Edited November 2, 2014 by Spectre 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Spectre Posted November 3, 2014 Share Posted November 3, 2014 I love how she thinks she sounds innocent. No sweety..you don't. There are words for how you sound, a LOT of them, and I'd probably get banned for just typing half of them. You don't need to merely leave your H, you need a reality check of the strongest order. Or explain to me in WHAT context you sound innocent? Link to post Share on other sites
Miss Clavel Posted November 3, 2014 Share Posted November 3, 2014 Thank you JustJoe for your quick response. I know I have been struggling with the same questions you posted here. My ex-AP & I know we won't cross the line in the future. The relationship between us will be strictly platonic. Now he also understand we need to be strictly NC until I emotionally (full 100%) getting back to my H. It is not I'm trying to keep my AP around. It is just being a single child growing up I've always feel very lonely. And my husband doesn't want children. I just don't want someday to die alone. well, if he's all you got against dying alone, you need to meet some new people and make some other friends. unless your husband doesn't mind? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted November 5, 2014 Share Posted November 5, 2014 My ideal plan is perhaps we can do NC until I am fully (emotionally 100%) getting back to my marriage & my husband. After that, my ex-AP and I can be like a sister/brother type of relationship in the future. I have no siblings & I have always had wanted a brother figure in my life. Does any of you have any success story that your Ex-AP can be a sibling figure, while you are still going strong in your marriage? Contact with the AP will prevent your marriage ever getting repaired. This is why NC must be for life. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author PinkJade Posted November 24, 2014 Author Share Posted November 24, 2014 Thank you for the comments here. They are definitely my wakeup calls. Im NC w/ ex-AP now. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Man Mountain Makino Posted November 24, 2014 Share Posted November 24, 2014 Logically, I know the best thing to do is NC. But both my AP (now ex) & I just couldn't cut all ties because we still treasure this emotional connection between us. I had been trying to do the NC for 3 rounds (during this past 3 months) already. But each time, within 2 to 4 days, we are back in chatting (via texts & calls) again. Honestly, I think this is very immature. How does having him around help stabilize and improve your marriage? Answer: it doesn't. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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