Having trouble trying to disengage

[evanescentworld]

... and the fact that she is lying to others about the situation, and prevaricating so much, is further evidence.

 

SHE is the one causing and engineering this break-up.

If you were the "culprit" she would have no qualms about dropping you in it and telling everyone you want a separation/divorce. But because she knows this is ending - and she's the one ending it - she's hiding behind lies, to save her face.

I think you have every right not only to file for divorce - and honestly, hard as it is, you really MUST - but you need to be honest with people and tell them that you and your wife are separating.

 

Why should you play along with her subterfuge? Why should she expect you to fall in with her deceiving others?

 

I don't like lies.

And I certainly refuse, myself, to get roped into lies, by agreeing to lie for someone else, simply because it's to suit them.

 

Sorry, but that's not fair.

[AffairsRBad]

... and the fact that she is lying to others about the situation, and prevaricating so much, is further evidence.

 

SHE is the one causing and engineering this break-up.

If you were the "culprit" she would have no qualms about dropping you in it and telling everyone you want a separation/divorce. But because she knows this is ending - and she's the one ending it - she's hiding behind lies, to save her face.

I think you have every right not only to file for divorce - and honestly, hard as it is, you really MUST - but you need to be honest with people and tell them that you and your wife are separating.

 

Why should you play along with her subterfuge? Why should she expect you to fall in with her deceiving others?

 

I don't like lies.

And I certainly refuse, myself, to get roped into lies, by agreeing to lie for someone else, simply because it's to suit them.

 

Sorry, but that's not fair.

 

Listen to these advice. EvanescentWorld is very wise on these matters. I know how hard it is to realize life as you knew it has ended. It ended in reality a long time before this, and while we would have loved to turn back time and try to fix it, the thing that had to be corrected is many times before anyone can possibly realize it.

 

In terms of how you conducted yourself, my opinion, as I did this myself, is you ended up to appear needy of her in front of her. I'm convinced that the best thing really a guy can do when their wife is contemplating separation/divorce is to change themselves for the better and unapologetically express themselves without showing their neediness. We live and learn I suppose.

 

For your daughter, you most certainly have the right to be a parent to your daughter. She nor her parents have any right to deprive you of this, only you can deprive yourself of it by your actions (if you engage in inappropriate behavior for children) or by choosing to give up the right yourself. As you have done neither, you have and should insist on a change to the custody that is fair, regardless of what your wife unilaterally tried to impose on you. If she tries to say that your daughter is with her 1/3 of the time, with her parents 1/3 of the time, and with you 1/3 of the time, this is NOT fair to you. She effectively has her daughter 2/3 of the time, where part of that she chose to leave with her parents. Until the court decides otherwise, you should take the default is your daughter be with you 1/2 the time and with her 1/2 the time. If either of you choose to leave your daughter in the care of family, etc. they can do so on their time only.

[beach]

File for divorce so she gets the firm idea that she can't you with your emotions/good nature any further.

 

Make that decision for her but more importantly FOR YOURSELF.

 

You shouldn't have to beg someone to love you, it's disgraceful.

 

And that way she can figure out where to move to come January.

[Verte]

I am having similar issues with my wife. She wants to leave me and we have 3 kids etc. Try reading the book - why dads leave (Meryn G. Callander). Very good book. We have been seeing a counsellor on line and made some big inroads but it comes down to not having been there earlier and being absent. Good luck! We have worked out what the problem is but too late.

[wannaworkitout]

Thanks for all the advice and support you guys. It is very very clear what I must do now. I should have the money for the lawyer sometime next week.

 

I'll post and update once i've filled.

[evanescentworld]

Please know that no matter where the 'fault' lies, I send both you and your wife, and child, my best wishes for a positive outcome, no matter what that may be.

Remember to engage matters with a clear, unemotive head; but never lose heart.

You obviously care a great deal, so don't lose sight of your compassion, and don't let animosity shadow your goodness.

[wannaworkitout]

Spoke to my wife and we are talking tonight to work out a 50/50 parenting plan for our D6. I told her that we need to agree on a plan by this Friday. I'm going to meet with my MC later this week to try and work out a few issues prior to seeking legal help. I need to make sure my head is clear and my heart is in the right place. I had my D6 last night and she wants her and mom to move back into the house but I don't think that's what mom wants. I'm so torn and it hurts sooo bad. I need to just man-up and do what I know in my heart is the right thing to do. Sigh

[evanescentworld]

I think you need to explain to your daughter that, sadly mommy and daddy can't be together any more, because mom isn't happy, but you love her very much, (your daughter) and so does mommy, and you both just need to work things out so that she is happy and contented, wherever she is (D6, that is....)

 

She's of an age when she still needs to be spoken to in the simplest of ways, but she is both is receptive AND perceptive, and understands bad feeling and upset emotions.

Hold it together when you're with her. Shower her with affection and never, ever speak badly or negatively of your wife to her. (I don't think you would, anyway, but sometimes, hurt phraseology slips out... and we phrase things in a way which may well reflect our true feelings on the matter, but may impact negatively on others....)

[beach]

One of her complaints is that I didn't help out enough around the house and with our D6. The issue is SHE didn't communicate how she was feeling over the last 5-6 yrs and the resentment grew and grew. I sensed something was wrong but she would just get angry when I would ask her to talk about what was going on.

 

Yes, we women are good at playing the "I want you to be psychic so you instantly KNOW what's wrong, without asking" card.

 

I'm sorry, I still think you need to assert your ideas and make a stand.

And if she won't talk outside therapy, confront her. Ask her directly, what the heck is going on?

Because sadly, when women behave the way she's behaving, the horse has bolted, so closing the door is pointless. For the vast majority of women, this stage is the 'too little too late' time.

 

But she was telling him what she wanted from him for years and years and he didn't respect her enough to want to listen and change until she said it was over.

 

So she was communicating - you just weren't respectful.

 

I bet she got sick of it and thinks even if you change now you really won't have the change last for long term.

 

And at times, the resentment has just grown so large the marriage can't possibly recover from that much negativity.

 

Next relationship = when a woman suggests change = listen up and take action to change. If not, figure the relationship is dying a slow death!

[wannaworkitout]

I know that's what needs to be done.

 

I'm torn now about making the first move and getting a lawyer. One minute I go from feeling like things are going to work out to feeling like I just need to file and move on, then back again. I wish I could just make a decision and stick with it. I know she's struggling with her health at the moment and I feel horrible for wanting to file but she's not letting me be there for her.

[wannaworkitout]

But she was telling him what she wanted from him for years and years and he didn't respect her enough to want to listen and change until she said it was over.

 

So she was communicating - you just weren't respectful.

 

I bet she got sick of it and thinks even if you change now you really won't have the change last for long term.

 

And at times, the resentment has just grown so large the marriage can't possibly recover from that much negativity.

 

Next relationship = when a woman suggests change = listen up and take action to change. If not, figure the relationship is dying a slow death!

 

You're right she was communicating that she needed help. A few years after our D was born she turned off the sex tap and would get angry with me when I asked to talk about it. I would help out more around the house thinking that's what she needed. When I didn't see an improvement in our love life and she still refused to discuss it I would get angry and stop. This cycle went on for years and my resentment continued to grow. It was a vicious cycle that ended with her moving out.

 

We have both admitted we could have / should have done things differently / better. I just want the chance to show her that with communication and guidance we can both change the things that made the marriage fail.

 

I'm angry that she won't give us the chance.

[evanescentworld]

But she was telling him what she wanted from him for years and years and he didn't respect her enough to want to listen and change until she said it was over.

 

So she was communicating - you just weren't respectful.

I disagree. I think they're both "guilty" of very poor-quality communication. neither party communicated effectively, although a form of communication existed. Unfortunately, it resulted in a lose-lose situation...

 

I bet she got sick of it and thinks even if you change now you really won't have the change last for long term.

 

And at times, the resentment has just grown so large the marriage can't possibly recover from that much negativity.

I would agree with this, though, definitely.

It has been said, women try, and try and try, and nothing gets through or guys don't get it, then women give up, want out, they're sick and tired and exhausted of what they perceive has been their one-sided effort, and throw in the towel - and THEN guys up the ante, make the effort and want to change and salvage the relationship - all alas, too late.

[wannaworkitout]

I disagree. I think they're both "guilty" of very poor-quality communication. neither party communicated effectively, although a form of communication existed. Unfortunately, it resulted in a lose-lose situation...

 

 

I would agree with this, though, definitely.

It has been said, women try, and try and try, and nothing gets through or guys don't get it, then women give up, want out, they're sick and tired and exhausted of what they perceive has been their one-sided effort, and throw in the towel - and THEN guys up the ante, make the effort and want to change and salvage the relationship - all alas, too late.

 

Key word in your reply is "PERCEIVE".

[evanescentworld]

Key word in your reply is "PERCEIVE".

 

I know.

That's why I wrote it.

 

"We say, in Buddhism, "Perception is often Deception".

 

And that's down to ineffective communication and/or poor understanding.

[LifeNomad]

wannaworkitout

 

 

 

 

 

 

it hurts man, but that's the way it goes, remember your not alone. When my ex left to her moms she took our kids with her, and in the summer they would stay with me every other day, now that school started, I still go see them but they stay with her, and only on weekends with me. Every single time I was dropping them off they would ask if they could come home with me, and the little ones cried, it broke me every time, it gets better with time.

 

 

In the meantime, don't force it, don't force her to stay if she doesn't want to, if its going to happen its going to happen, give her space and time, if you need to talk to her do it strictly about your kid only, remember your not the first nor last to go thru what your going thru. Don't put all the blame on yourself either

[wannaworkitout]

Yep..it's over. We spoke last night and she told me she's going to get a lawyer and file for divorce. Should we hammer out the parenting plan prior to seeing the lawyers or wait? We haven't spoken about the house either. I purchased it prior to marriage and am still living in it. She moved in with her parents 6 weeks ago.

[evanescentworld]

I'd file first if I were you.

She's the one who wrecked the possibility of reconciliation.

So go ahead and do what you have to do. And file - officially - for joint custody.