Why does exOW keep showing up?

[Artie Lang]

i suggest you.inform her husband of her past "indescretion." this will deter her from further trying to revive the affair by having another set of eyes on her.

 

 

see, without any consequences, she pretty much has nothing to lose.

 

 

 

 

plus, her husband has a right to know. wouldn't you like to know if the circumstances were reversed?

[whichwayisup]

Whichwayisup, they don't sit next to each other at the conference. They sit very far appart and my H aims for out of vision field as well. It is the only time they are at the same place or event since Dday. She has tried to contact my husband since Dday. During the first month, she kept trying to meet up with him, and was calling him from strange numbers at the office so I wouldn't know, then, 8 weeks after the official break-up/no contact request, she tried to talk to him at the conference and he walked away to tell me right away, then a week later, she sent him an email which he showed me as well. Haven't heard from her since then. I guess it could have been worse.

 

If she makes contact again, you must tell her husband. That will put the final nail in with real NC.

[Redheaded Mistress]

I don't see where the competition is. She is saying if the MOW brings her H it would give her the impression that she has moved on.

 

That's not what she said though... She said she wants OW to be as happy in her marriage as she is in hers. She's made the comparison and assumed that she's coming out on top. Who's to say the OW isn't as happier or happier in her marriage than the OP is? Maybe she's sitting in the conference saying "Dear God, I'm so glad I reinvested in this marriage and my husband and I are great... Look at my poor ex. His wife still babysits him at these things... 2 years and she still doesn't trust him. I wish he could feel as happy with her as he is with me."

 

That is totally normal, she didn't tell the MOWs H or invade their life at all, she just wants her out of their life.

 

Which is why the choice to voluntarily go to a place where her husband had a sex-filled weekend with her and will still see her as a co-attendee is ever more baffling.

 

That's not competition, they have worked hard to repair the damage and want to move on, she's actually being kind and wanting the MOW to move on too. Plus there is no competition the A is over and her H is with her not the MOW.

 

She's not being kind in wanting the OW to move on... I get the feeling there's lingering insecurity there, which I think she even admitted. She wants the closure of knowing the OW has invested elsewhere and doesn't have to worry about her husband with her anymore. If there was no feeling of competition, if there was no insecurity, the OW could show up to the convention every year naked and she and her husband wouldn't care. She'd have faith that he'd do the right thing. Here, it seems like she would feel better if she knew the door was locked on the OW's side too so that if the husband were to slip up, at least she has the security of knowing the OW would say no to what he says yes in.

 

It just seems like she is so focused on not wanting to change her life because she shouldn't have to, but she's paying the price of that because her husband is still having contact with the OW which would otherwise be avoided.

 

Thinking back to my affair, if I were to pretend that my husband didn't leave his wife and instead dumped me and went back to her, darn straight I'd go to that conference every year. He can erase the relationship for the wife, but he can't for me. I know what he said, what promises he made, and I want to give him a good, long look at what he's missing. And every year he walks through that door for a conference where we had a weekend of passion, one he could skip just as easily as attend, one he knows that I'll be at, darn straight I'd think it's because he's there to see me. I'd think "he can pull one on his wife, but he can't pull one on me. He still wants me, regardless of who's bed he calls home." And her waiting just outside the conference room door would be all the validation I need that what I think is right... She could wait for him anywhere... The hotel room, a restaurant... Nope, she waits right here. She knows too. He chose her, but he wants me. I'd view myself as the big ol' winner of this situation. I've got my life, he has his wife waiting for him on the other side of the door because rounding the corner on 3 years later, she (and he) still both know I'm a presence in his mind.

 

And I think that the OP even asking this question addresses passively that this is a fear of hers too.

Edited November 3, 2014 by Redheaded Mistress

[Redheaded Mistress]

It's possible if his name pops up on another list of attendees at a new venue - she could also sign up for that one too.

 

Can he register under an alias name?

 

... Or maybe they could just deal with the issue at that point with honesty and transparency, which he said he'd do, solving the problem once and for all... Have husband shoot off an email that BCC's his wife that says "I left that conference to get away from you and now you're at the conference I switched to. Go to another one, don't go at all, but just knock it off or I'll tell your husband."

 

If he's openly and honestly dealing with this like it is claimed he is, this should be no big deal, and it'll solve the problem directly as opposed to hoping it'll just go away or being passive aggressive about it.

Edited November 3, 2014 by Redheaded Mistress

[Lady2163]

... Or maybe they could just deal with the issue at that point with honesty and transparency, which he said he'd do, solving the problem once and for all... Have husband shoot off an email that BCC's his wife that says "I left that conference to get away from you and now you're at the conference I switched to. Go to another one, don't go at all, but just knock it off or I'll tell your husband."

 

If he's openly and honestly dealing with this like it is claimed he is, this should be no big deal, and it'll solve the problem directly as opposed to hoping it'll just go away or being passive aggressive about it.

 

That's a good point.

[Miss Clavel]

haven't read the entire thread, my ADD kicked in, however...

 

i would go to the conference and when she comes out, before she does a 180 i would pull her into the nearest ladies room/broom closet and talk to her.

 

because it's seems hinky to me that she keeps coming around with no encouragement??

 

it's seems odd to me that any one of the three of you would want to keep visiting the scene of the crime.

 

get her alone, hear her out so you can make a judgement call and then put paid to this mess...unless.

[velvette]

Some OW just will not go away. Trying to understand her is futile imo because if you wouldn't do the things she does, its really hard to fathom.

 

More than likely, she is looking for any opportunity to get back in contact with your H.

 

I would focus on what you want to do as well as your H. If you want to go to the conference and can ignore her then do so.

 

If going will bother you to the point that its interfering with your M and reconciliation then don't.

 

If you don't go, dont be surprised if she contacts to "make sure he's ok since she didn't see him in attendance." It really doesn't matter what you do, sounds like she's the type of person who will make up some other reason for contact if this one doesn't work.

 

She is likely not happy in her marriage and still looking for a backup/exit plan with your H at the top of her list. If she were happy, she probably would not be putting herself in a place that she knows is basically your H territory rather than hers.

 

Having an OW like this, I finally confronted her myself and told her H who already knew about the A that she was in contact again.

[Khy89]

I think your husband could do more to close the doors of communication. That's just it. Yes he is no longer intiating contact with her but he hasn't closed the doors. Why hasn't he changed his phone number or email? Like you say just because he blocked her specifc number or account doesn't mean she can't make another one. Also your husband being so quick to show you everything she sends him....is kinda fishy. yea I know it feels like he is putting in a real effort but honestly for how long? Until it all calms down?

Why does the OW show up or continue to try and contact him? Because he allows it. You only know what he tells you. You have no idea for a 100% FACT he is not still conmmunicating with her.

The bigger question is WHY do you continue to go somewhere that your husband betrayed you and broke all his vows over an entire weekedn?? Why subject yourself to that? Why when it isn't even fun or special anymore? It does seem as though you want to "one up" the OW but honestly you're putting your marriage in the path of trouble because you allow your husband to continue seeing her and reliving all those feelings...men are visual so why would you want to him to continuing see her?? I bet any money when he does he thinks about that weekend...which is counterproductive to your marriage.

Edited November 3, 2014 by Khy89

[velvette]

I think your husband could do more to close the doors of communication. That's just it. Yes he is no longer intiating contact with her but he hasn't closed the doors. Why hasn't he changed his phone number or email? Like you say just because he blocked her specifc number or account doesn't mean she can't make another one. Also your husband being so quick to show you everything she sends him....is kinda fishy. yea I know it feels like he is putting in a real effort but honestly for how long? Until it all calms down?

Why does the OW show up or continue to try and contact him? Because he allows it. You only know what he tells you. You have no idea for a 100% FACT he is not still conmmunicating with her.

The bigger question is WHY do you continue to go somewhere that your husband betrayed you and broke all his vows over an entire weekedn?? Why subject yourself to that? Why when it isn't even fun or special anymore? It does seem as though you want to "one up" the OW but honestly you're putting your marriage in the path of trouble because you allow your husband to continue seeing her and reliving all those feelings...men are visual so why would you want to him to continuing see her?? I bet any money when he does he thinks about that weekend...which is counterproductive to your marriage.

 

When it comes to these types of OW, you cant totally block them out unless you go live on some remote island. Especially, A that started in the workplace or where there are mutual friends/acquaintances/coworkers who may not know about the A. There will always be someone who she can convince to give her the knew number/email with an innocent sounding explanation.

 

My H OW tried to indirectly contact my H by emailing one of his kids with "news" of his former workplace. They just don't quit and they will do things that most normal people would not do in order to make contact.

 

Theres nothing fishy about the OP's H telling her about OW contact if that's their agreement.

 

As for seeing OW rekindling feelings, you have no idea that's true.

[Khy89]

When it comes to these types of OW, you cant totally block them out unless you go live on some remote island. Especially, A that started in the workplace or where there are mutual friends/acquaintances/coworkers who may not know about the A. There will always be someone who she can convince to give her the knew number/email with an innocent sounding explanation.

 

My H OW tried to indirectly contact my H by emailing one of his kids with "news" of his former workplace. They just don't quit and they will do things that most normal people would not do in order to make contact.

 

Theres nothing fishy about the OP's H telling her about OW contact if that's their agreement.

 

As for seeing OW rekindling feelings, you have no idea that's true.

The eagerness to show seems a little fishy to ME and as far as the rekindling of feelings the OP has no idea whether thats true or not so WHY continue to test it out???? Maybe they don't have feelings...maybe they do but why test it to see??? Why even do that? I don't care if that place is special, her husband ruined that and didn't think it was special when he did what he did so why go there??? Please i need an answer on this because I'm confused

It isn't like they HAVE to go, her hubby actually seemed happier NOT to go which means it is the OP that wants to go and for why??? What that woman is doing in her marriage isn't OP's business...thinking about this woman is keeping her alive in their relationship.

Edited November 3, 2014 by Khy89
Side note

[Baby123]

We could assume that the married man and his wife go because it suits them.

 

 

The other woman goes because it suits her.

 

 

 

 

Just as you state your opinion, respectfully, mine is that there is nothing to suggest that what they are doing is all a pissing contest.

 

Well if you agree it's all opinion- then you agree you were wrong for calling me 'out of order' for having an opinion!!

[velvette]

The eagerness to show seems a little fishy to ME and as far as the rekindling of feelings the OP has no idea whether thats true or not so WHY continue to test it out???? Maybe they don't have feelings...maybe they do but why test it to see??? Why even do that? I don't care if that place is special, her husband ruined that and didn't think it was special when he did what he did so why go there??? Please i need an answer on this because I'm confused

It isn't like they HAVE to go, her hubby actually seemed happier NOT to go which means it is the OP that wants to go and for why??? What that woman is doing in her marriage isn't OP's business...thinking about this woman is keeping her alive in their relationship.

 

Pffft........not sure what you are confused about. Men don't think like that...special places....not special places....

 

There is nothing fishy about informing a wife who is reconciling with you that OW made contact. Its a normal part of reconciliation.

 

I suppose for some people the place would be ruined. But just as many people would reclaim it as their own.

 

Thinking about this woman is not keeping her alive in their relationship. This is just nutty OW thinking that she is special despite the fact that the relationship has been ended.

 

Lots of people have exes whether they are ex wives, girlfriends or affair partners. Maybe they are thought about from time to time when something triggers a thought about them. Doesn't mean they are special.

[Hope Shimmers]

Lots of people have exes whether they are ex wives, girlfriends or affair partners. Maybe they are thought about from time to time when something triggers a thought about them. Doesn't mean they are special.

 

And it doesn't mean they aren't.

 

The truth is that no one (not even you!) has any idea what the husband is thinking. I get that in your position it hurts a lot less for you to believe that the OW is never valued and only the wife matters after the A. Sorry, but it's not always true.

 

The best advice, OP, is that if this conference at this venue bothers you (and it clearly does... and it clearly should) then get your H to go to a different one. In my opinion he should have been jumping through hoops to do that anyway, but if that doesn't bother you (it would me) and you are confident that all is well, then solve this problem by just avoiding the conference. Simple.

[velvette]

And it doesn't mean they aren't.

 

The truth is that no one (not even you!) has any idea what the husband is thinking. I get that in your position it hurts a lot less for you to believe that the OW is never valued and only the wife matters after the A. Sorry, but it's not always true.

 

The best advice, OP, is that if this conference at this venue bothers you (and it clearly does... and it clearly should) then get your H to go to a different one. In my opinion he should have been jumping through hoops to do that anyway, but if that doesn't bother you (it would me) and you are confident that all is well, then solve this problem by just avoiding the conference. Simple.

 

It doesn't hurt or not hurt me to think one way or the other.

 

The simple truth is that many men end affairs and don't have another thought for the OW. As in its over ...fini. Just like with other relationships. Sometimes people are just done.

 

From what the OP has posted it sounds like that is the case. I know it was with my H.

 

And more than likely the OW's stalkerish behavior only cements that. Men don't like that kind of behavior. Who would? Just because someone may have been valued while the relationship was happening, doesn't mean they are valued after the relationship.

 

So, like I said before, the OP should do what she wants to do with regard to the conference.

[Hope Shimmers]

It doesn't hurt or not hurt me to think one way or the other.

 

Based on your posts, I think otherwise. Ever heard the phrase "The lady doth protest too much, methinks"?

 

But it's exactly why I presented the other half/possibility of what you stated earlier.

Edited November 4, 2014 by Hope Shimmers

[velvette]

Based on your posts, I think otherwise. Ever heard the phrase "The lady doth protest too much, methinks"?

 

But it's exactly why I presented the other half/possibility of what you stated earlier.

 

Not sure what posts you are referring to, but you can think what you want. Personally, I think you are projecting hurt from your situation onto me. I am happily reconciled with my H for many years.

 

The possibility you presented exists. There are always exceptions, but I don't think they apply based on what the OP has posted.

 

If her H and his exOW have something going on on the down low, I highly doubt they would be arranging to attend this conference together knowing that his W will be there. That makes absolutely no sense.

 

Finally, I know from experience that men value women who value themselves. They don't value women who are willing to settle for OW status indefinitely or women who chase them and stalk them. And, this is especially true in the case of married OW imo.

 

If he valued the MOW, he would be with her. He's not. So really, how much could he value her?

[Poppy47]

It is NOT human possible to forget the xAP. The human brain has a memory and everything is stored there.

 

It would be simplistic to think that the memory is erased because the A is over.

 

We can never know ( Fortunately in some cases) what another person is thinking.

 

I cannot understand why the husband would take his wife to the conference, knowing full well that the xOW would be present. He must be really insensitive, or not care about his wife and reconciling. What an idiot!

 

Poppy

[GypsumSatellite]

Reasons why an exOW might show up at a PD conference even after NC:

 

She attends for PD.

She likes the venue.

She is building up her immunity towards seeing your H and yourself at the conference.

She likes the seminars.

She likes the food.

Her company asks her to go to that specific conference.

 

 

It could be anything. What I pick up on in your post, though, is that you actually check the accepted emails for her name? And then you still attend. And your H still attends. Even with the overall feeling of "Ugh, exOW..." circulating in the air?

 

It just sucks. You're unwittingly putting yourself in awkward central by checking to see if she's there, fretting over where she sits, eyeballing if she'll see you greet your husband... you can solve all that. Act like she's invisible. Act like she's a stranger. If she's never dared to approach you at this conference and maybe did a 180 spin when she saw you once before... maybe she was not looking to cause a scene at all? Maybe she saw you both and mentally said "Um, maybe I should peace out of here..." maybe she's in her own therapy and recovery and is trying to move on as well?

 

Maybe give her the benefit of the doubt? Like, maybe she's getting on her with her life and isn't out to cause any trouble? Reconcile that she might just be there because it's a convenient and affordable option for her, too?

[velvette]

It is NOT human possible to forget the xAP. The human brain has a memory and everything is stored there.

 

It would be simplistic to think that the memory is erased because the A is over.

 

We can never know ( Fortunately in some cases) what another person is thinking.

 

I cannot understand why the husband would take his wife to the conference, knowing full well that the xOW would be present. He must be really insensitive, or not care about his wife and reconciling. What an idiot!

 

Poppy

 

Its true we don't forget; however, I don't understand why so many OW think that they hold some special place in memory.

 

I would wager that most OW are no more remembered than any other former partner once the relationship is over. We all have former partners. We remember them from time to time.

 

So what? Doesn't mean really anything.

[meandmycats]

Well if you agree it's all opinion- then you agree you were wrong for calling me 'out of order' for having an opinion!!

I don't think so. I haven't deliberately accused the poster of competing with the other woman have I? No.

 

 

Carry on..............

[meandmycats]

The general consensus is that the husband is a bit of a knob for not considering his wife enough to change the venue.

 

 

Find somewhere else to go to the conference and save all the aggro for goodness sake!

[Khy89]

Not sure what posts you are referring to, but you can think what you want. Personally, I think you are projecting hurt from your situation onto me. I am happily reconciled with my H for many years.

 

The possibility you presented exists. There are always exceptions, but I don't think they apply based on what the OP has posted.

 

If her H and his exOW have something going on on the down low, I highly doubt they would be arranging to attend this conference together knowing that his W will be there. That makes absolutely no sense.

 

Finally, I know from experience that men value women who value themselves. They don't value women who are willing to settle for OW status indefinitely or women who chase them and stalk them. And, this is especially true in the case of married OW imo.

 

If he valued the MOW, he would be with her. He's not. So really, how much could he value her?

 

The fact he had an affair right under his wife's nose says loud and clear he didn't value her OR respect her. Men also value women who leave their lying, cheating behinds instead of being a doormat. Do you see how that works? The husband is the only one smelling like roses while BOTH women look like fools...

 

I think it makes you feel better to think your husband doesn't think of his exOW but it is not humanly possible for you to know that 100%.

[velvette]

The fact he had an affair right under his wife's nose says loud and clear he didn't value her OR respect her. Men also value women who leave their lying, cheating behinds instead of being a doormat. Do you see how that works? The husband is the only one smelling like roses while BOTH women look like fools...

 

I think it makes you feel better to think your husband doesn't think of his exOW but it is not humanly possible for you to know that 100%.

 

Agreed, during the A he didn't value his W or probably himself. I don't agree both women look like fools because of his behavior. That's on him. OW seems to be in this case making a fool of herself by continuing to pursue him and showing up at this conference to make contact.

 

How you came to the bolded conclusion is a mystery. I already said we all think about former partners from time to time. So what? It doesn't matter what OP H is thinking about unless he is planning to restart his A. It matters what he does. And, according to the OP he is working hard to reconcile his M.

[Khy89]

Agreed, during the A he didn't value his W or probably himself. I don't agree both women look like fools because of his behavior. That's on him. OW seems to be in this case making a fool of herself by continuing to pursue him and showing up at this conference to make contact.

 

How you came to the bolded conclusion is a mystery. I already said we all think about former partners from time to time. So what? It doesn't matter what OP H is thinking about unless he is planning to restart his A. It matters what he does. And, according to the OP he is working hard to reconcile his M.

Not really. I came to that conclusion because you stress so much that a H doesn't care about the OW one bit after the affair has ended...seemed kinda personal...just my opinion.

 

But back to the question at hand...obviously it bothers the OP so much that this woman shows up that she came here to ask about it...it BOTHERS her...so why does she continue to go? I have yet to see a real legit reason for this. and honestly I'm young so I would like to understand why a woman would want to continue see her husband's ex lover at the place where it happened. You stated earlier that men don't think of places as special but that's not what i said, I said OP thinks its special for some reason and its not special anymore after what he did...

[Khy89]

Its true we don't forget; however, I don't understand why so many OW think that they hold some special place in memory.

 

I would wager that most OW are no more remembered than any other former partner once the relationship is over. We all have former partners. We remember them from time to time.

 

So what? Doesn't mean really anything.

Because sometimes they do...just like sometimes they don't.