Wife stresses about money - ALL THE TIME

[marriedagain]

Beach - If she does not change I have to leave. It is not healthy for me or my children. I've tried so much. I know others say I can give up more. I just don't think I will ever have this woman's support for anything if I am measured by my paycheck.

 

I feel lied to.

[beach]

She's controlling, manipulative and not honest.

 

Is that the marriage you wish to live with?

[marriedagain]

newmoon - I think you are right - but she says the exact opposite. She says all the "right" things. That's why I told her yesterday - your actions are not aligned with your words.

[smackie9]

I agree with the poster at the beginning of this thread....it's not the money. The money is a symptom, not the issue. She's a doctor and they are the worse patients and to suggest she get counseling is blasphemy. BUT if you want this marriage to work, you can't be afraid to communicate, and push her to get help.

[marriedagain]

beach - I'm realizing all those things. There's a reason why she was single until 44. I just did not see it. I'm a blind fool.

 

Perhaps I will just be very blunt with her. "Do you want out because of this money issue? If you do, now is the time to say it, if you don't this behavior needs to stop. If not I need to take care of my kids because this household is very unhealthy". Not only that but these moods happen every time the kids are here.

 

I know this was a big adjustment for her but common - she's 45 not 25! She knew darn well what she was getting into. That's what ticks me off so much.

[marriedagain]

smackie9 - I tried that yesterday. I just said - "Is there some help you can get?" Her immediate reply - "I'm not taking a pill, everyone always says to take a pill."

 

Which leads me to believe someone else has raised this before.

[smackie9]

smackie9 - I tried that yesterday. I just said - "Is there some help you can get?" Her immediate reply - "I'm not taking a pill, everyone always says to take a pill."

 

Which leads me to believe someone else has raised this before.

 

It would be in your best interest to educate yourself, possibly make an appointment with a doctor that specializes in this field (a good one) and seek out your options. Then get counseling for yourself first, then make arrangements for you both. You can't let her get away with ignoring your pleas. If this doesn't work, then the only alternative would be a legal separation.

[newmoon]

beach - I'm realizing all those things. There's a reason why she was single until 44. I just did not see it. I'm a blind fool.

 

Perhaps I will just be very blunt with her. "Do you want out because of this money issue? If you do, now is the time to say it, if you don't this behavior needs to stop. If not I need to take care of my kids because this household is very unhealthy". Not only that but these moods happen every time the kids are here.

 

I know this was a big adjustment for her but common - she's 45 not 25! She knew darn well what she was getting into. That's what ticks me off so much.

 

don't be too harsh on her. as a woman gets more educated and has a lot of money her prospects for marriage decline dramatically. not because she isn't marriageable, but because it is very hard to find a mate who can be equal in education and earnings. in any case, maybe you want to just ask her what the core problem is? it seems like it could be the debts she is accumulating since marriage. the house, the repairs, the potential school costs, etc. as a single woman she didn't have to deal with all that stuff. plus she has the 145 in school loans. and stress from work. maybe you just want to alleviate her fears? tell her that the repairs can wait, your trip can wait, etc. i bet she'll perk up. i am also kinda laughing at some of the posts her - people being 'sick' that you make so much. the way you make more is by not spending carelessly what you have, and it seems your wife falls into that category to some extent. just talk it out though,she isn't being juvenile, she is adjusting to new things and options (like a joint account for household expenses, special retirement account just for her, etc.) might make her feel better. lots of couples separate the finances for this very reason.

[smackie9]

BTW your first mistake is putting the responsibility onto her to get help....obviously it's just easier to say no. You need to make this a joint effort, that is why I suggest educating yourself first, and some counseling on how to approach her and support her in getting help. You have to be the one to take action.

[amaysngrace]

I think you are right that there was a reason she was never married before and I think it's because she doesn't like the idea of "ours" very much.

 

And she could be pissy seeing your kids knowing her time for that isn't likely to happen. So kids are not an "ours" thing...they are just a "yours" thing.

 

Buy her a cat.

[marriedagain]

amaysngrace - she is not motherly AT ALL. Not once ounce of her ever wanted to be a mother but she said she'd be ok with my kids who are a bit older.

[beach]

beach - I'm realizing all those things. There's a reason why she was single until 44. I just did not see it. I'm a blind fool.

 

Perhaps I will just be very blunt with her. "Do you want out because of this money issue? If you do, now is the time to say it, if you don't this behavior needs to stop. If not I need to take care of my kids because this household is very unhealthy". Not only that but these moods happen every time the kids are here.

 

I know this was a big adjustment for her but common - she's 45 not 25! She knew darn well what she was getting into. That's what ticks me off so much.

 

Better to approach it from another angle:

 

If it stays this way this is what I AM CHOOSING TO DO.

 

IF this doesn't change about our relationship this is what I plan to take action on.

 

 

That way, IF/WHEN she doesn't change the DO what you stated.

 

Have YOUR plan.

 

IF/WHEN she responds well by changing the. Reward her good behavior/changes by encouraging new behavior. Could be something she loves or wants from you.

 

I do think it is part of the reason she's been single so long. What did she say ended her prior relationships? How did she earn money in her years before she became a dr? How much was she earning then?

[marriedagain]

Beach - all good questions.

 

Relationships she ended because they wanted commitment from her and she wanted to focus on her career. She did not have any relationship for 6 years before she met me.

 

Money - well, she worked as a waitress in college. She took a while to get through undergrad. It took her 10 years to get through medical school and residency. I'm quite certain the way she got through was "daddy". She says he didn't pay for her schooling but he says otherwise.

 

The first new car she bought was 2.5 years ago. This is the first house she bought and just 4 years ago was the first time she bought a new set of furniture.

 

I understand the fears because she may not have had much growing up (neither did I) but she made good money for several years.

 

I disagree with some posters - this is about money. It is her security and now she feels like she's losing it regardless of my comments. My disappointment is that there is no us an I've realized there never will be or it will be a long time before there is an "us".

[beach]

Ok. So IF there's a plan for HER to have HER security she needs to state what that might look like FOR HER peace of mind.

 

Let's say she puts aside X amount of money each month that is ONLY hers. An amount she can feel SAFE with.

 

If that means that you and your kids have to give up some of your things then that's the plan. If that means selling the house and buying something for half the money then so be it.

 

Private school? Nope - you and your exW should be paying that if it is to continue and is your priority. Kids can get a good education at public school and go to catechism for free if you think it's important and can't afford it yourself.

 

Start offering compromises. See IF that helps her attitude. If it doesn't then nothing is going to help her change her perspective.

 

If it's that your kids are around at times and she resents THEM then you need to divorce her. No kids should be subjected to an angry spouse every time they wants to feel safe and protected at home.

 

You are their DAD. Make decisions in the best interest of you and your kids. If she's not willing to change her attitude and behavior then she needs to leave.

 

That would include selling the house and dividing any assets. End of story.

 

Present it to her as a non negotiable situation. Did you write your list yet? Get busy mapping out your conversation that you will hold her to. Actions are what you need - not empty promises!

 

If she intends to continue as a spoiled brat then allow her to leave and act that way all by herself.

 

 

And I don't believe her relationships ended because the men wanted a commitment. That doesn't explain how she was participating in that relationship that lead to them ending. It's not enough info to see what she was doing within the relationship. Have you ever asked her Dad why her relationships ended or how the looked when she dated certain ones?

Edited November 2, 2014 by beach

[whichwayisup]

She wants you to be the breadwinner and make tons of money so you pay for everything and she has 'her' money which she can invest and spend on herself. Yup, this IS about the money. Deep down she may be resentful that you pay alimony to your ex, child support etc..

 

 

 

4. To amaysngrace's point I bluntly asked her how she values me. She gave me a weird look. I then asked her if the value I add is based on the money I make - blank stare. AHA! She recovered and said no but I think I nailed it (thanks amaysngrace).

 

This issue isn't going away any time soon. It might be the thing that ruins your marriage, that and her being passive agressive. her communication skills really suck for a woman her age and she's immature too.

 

 

Aside from that - consequences - I'm not threatening to leave - that's not me. But, I will tell her simply if she treats me as if not even around, and value me for money, then I will may do the same. I will also expect (not ask) that she buck up and behave differently for my kids. They didn't go through a hellish divorce then fall in love with this woman just to see this on a daily basis. It has been since Tuesday for God's sake!

 

Just curious, did your marriage end before you two met or was she the cause of the divorce?

 

She seems not interested at all when it comes to your kids. Hello, you're a package deal! Nobody expects her to stand up and take the total role of step mom but she can damn well be present and BE in their lives, spend time with them, talk to them, joke around and bond as a family unit. Seems she's done none of that.

[marriedagain]

Beach - thanks.

 

So not to nit pick - but I've already given up everything EXCEPT the kids' education. Seriously - I agreed to sock away 30% of the income. The trip to everest is only IF I have the means. I don't buy things for myself because I agreed to the 30% savings rule. I recognize this because after my divorce and her late start to work we need to catch up.

 

I get my kids are my responsibility so If I cannot cover my house expenses then the kids go public. I'm ok with that. Kids will struggle but I know public is fine.

 

I don't really have a relationship with her dad. She does not either. None of the relationships she had were approved of by her dad and she kept her marriage to me a secret until 3 weeks after the wedding.

[beach]

Beach - thanks.

 

So not to nit pick - but I've already given up everything EXCEPT the kids' education. Seriously - I agreed to sock away 30% of the income. The trip to everest is only IF I have the means. I don't buy things for myself because I agreed to the 30% savings rule. I recognize this because after my divorce and her late start to work we need to catch up.

 

I get my kids are my responsibility so If I cannot cover my house expenses then the kids go public. I'm ok with that. Kids will struggle but I know public is fine.

I don't really have a relationship with her dad. She does not either. None of the relationships she had were approved of by her dad and she kept her marriage to me a secret until 3 weeks after the wedding.

 

 

Are you serious? Why was that ok with you that you were a secret?

 

Did your R start as an affair? How long did you date?

[marriedagain]

whichwayisup - thanks for the comments. I have called her immature - not in an overly negative way, just that she has not lived much of life's experiences. I agree this may ruin my marriage. If I get divorced again I'm done with women. :-)

 

She was not the cause of my divorce. My wife of 13 years went thru a major midlife crisis, became a porn writer and got into bondage - cheated on me with God only knows how many men. But that is another story....

 

She's not interested in my kids at all. We had a blow up about 6 months into the marriage when I asked her why she does not want to spend more time with us? She went into one of these funks for three days as well.

 

I invite her to kid activities and if there is something in it for her she comes. Just yesterday I told her she did not have to come (I mean that) to stuff with them. Her answer - "Sometimes I have to do things I don't want to."

 

I think she's really struggling with losing her individuality - even though I've tried to make it as easy as possible for her. Funny thing - I don't ask for anything other than to spend time with me and the kids when they are here.

 

She just left to go run "errands". She won't have to see my kids for a week now.

 

Man - this is sad typing all this.

[marriedagain]

beach - no affair. I waited about a year after my divorce to start seeing people. She was the 4th woman I met. We dated for two years before getting married.

 

I was not a secret. He knew about me. He did not approve of me.

[beach]

beach - no affair. I waited about a year after my divorce to start seeing people. She was the 4th woman I met. We dated for two years before getting married.

 

I was not a secret. He knew about me. He did not approve of me.

 

Why didn't he approve of you?

[CarrieT]

OP, did you wife *ever* show any motherly feelings towards your children before you got married? Curious what her thoughts were on becoming a StepMom...

[beach]

Try this exercise:

 

Each and every time she acts mad about something and doesn't discuss it/resolve it for change to happen - whip out a painting or some sort of artistic outlet and stay with it until she manages to address the issue.

 

It will show you - and her - when she does this, how long she does it and will give her a clue that she has something that needs to be fixed. Unless she intends to watch you paint all day everyday...

 

In the mean time - paint away!!!

[marriedagain]

CarrieT - It is funny - she spent a bit of time with them. We would go on trips and we'd to things together - she'd go on waterslides and such. She picks them up from school on Tuesdays (usually, not all the time) - just realized - did I mention she only works 32 hrs/week. Granted the weeks she's on call she works more. I don't expect her to be a mom but she's not really even to stepmom level - other than being a bit of a pain cause we all have to eat healthy. Kids hate that.

 

Big test in a couple of weeks - my little one's 9th birthday party at the house. Something simple. We'll see if she sticks around. She's gone to others when they are at a place and last year she helped drive kids for my oldest' parties in the past. She hates crowds and loud kids.

 

beach - apparently her dad never approved of anyone.....so par for the course for me. I'm not much of a painter....any other ideas? Sports!!! I'll watch sports until she addresses the issue. She hates sports.

[Mount]

I am confused...your wife with earning ability is over $325K per year, a doctor, no kids, she can find any man she wants. She paid the downpayment of your current house.

 

Why she needs to be stuck with you? kids, potential job loss....kept criticizing her....

 

I am confused.

[marriedagain]

Mount?

 

Well for starters - I am a dashing fellow. LOL. Let's be clear - she CHOSE this.

 

So let's criticize me for a second when she met me - I was a single dad with a $150k income (increased a bit). She wanted someone who had a "good" heart, was going to be kind to her, all the softie issues which us single dads have to have.

 

We dated 2 years. Married for a bit over 1. So 3.25 years into the relationship, boom, my job gets eliminated. If I understand this correctly - your stance is that I'm a loser and because I have baggage (two kids), have lost my job (after dating, marriage and having a relationship in which vows were exchanged and "love" exists) and she made the downpaymenent therefore saying that I have nothing to my name she should just "walk away" from me and throw me (and the kids) to the curb.

 

To be fair - I love my wife - and would do anything for her. I am struggling with this new side of her that has reared its ugly head. If ultimately the woman tells me to hit the road because I make less than she does then I'm better off alone or being with someone else.

 

A person's worth is not valued by the since of his or her pocketbook.

 

Got it.....