PinkElephants Posted October 31, 2014 Share Posted October 31, 2014 Everything sagamore said. I knew someone like this. It had nothing to do with how attractive his girlfriend was and he never tried to have sex; he was a broken person with no coping skills and he used other women to feel better even if it was just for a moment and even though he knew it was going to cause him grief later. He knew he'd get caught but he believed she loved him too much to leave so he'd do what he wanted, cry through the fallout, make a promise he wouldn't keep, find a different website and do it again. The cycle stopped when she left. He's an addict and they don't change. Even if he could, he won't because he doesn't have to with you. He knows you'll settle for this behavior even though you claim you won't. Pay attention to his actions and follow through with consequences when you're ready. You can do so much better and hopefully you'll realize that too one day. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted October 31, 2014 Share Posted October 31, 2014 Please understand that the first step to staying in bad relationships is fear of being on your own. I get you're very young and been through a lot. But the other way to look at it is that you are 20 years old, an age when pretty young women have an advantage in getting jobs because men are always wanting to hire them and have them around. I'm not saying it's a good thing; quite the contrary, but it's a thing. The only way you are ever going to feel secure is to go out on your own and support yourself. You need to do this for at least a couple of years before depending on a man again. Get a female roommate, one who is serious about pursuing a career and has a job and keeps busy working. Get a cheap apartment since you may have no idea how far money doesn't go. If you're someplace not to expensive, get a studio or one-bedroom and NO roommate. Be sure you have a full-time job and then take a job on at least one of your days off or after work. You are young and you can do it. I've done it most of my life. The second job doesn't need to be your career. It can be something fun that doesn't pay well or something not much fun that does (like waiting tables). You need to prove to yourself you can make it on your own. If you are not making much money, you might qualify for food stamps to help out. But I urge you to get employed and concentrate on that and making money and being independent. If you take his money, he will likely take you to small claims court to get it back unless you have a written agreement from him that it is a gift, signed by him. As far as the porn goes, a little porn is no big deal. It can become quite an addiction though and him being on Tinder, which is for hooking up, indicates he is very focused on sex, sex and more sex. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Elle1975 Posted October 31, 2014 Share Posted October 31, 2014 You can't find someone who will treat you well, without the bs this guy is putting you through. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted October 31, 2014 Share Posted October 31, 2014 Sorry, but this guy is so full of s**t I can smell it through the internet. Sorry, but he doesn't treat you well or love you very much if he's downloading Tinder. Sorry, but you are a darn fool if you fall for his crap and tolerate this. (The tears? Offers of money? Begging for another chance? That's not love. It's emotional manipulation) Such a waste of your time. You are too young to be lowering your standards for a guy who isn't all that into you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ascendotum Posted October 31, 2014 Share Posted October 31, 2014 Yes I am 20 years old. If it helps any, I dont have family as my mom passed away just a couple of years ago. Hes been my rock for two years. I dont have many close friends, just him. Im in university full time and ive dealt with a lot of hardships and I just want someone to be there for me now, and right now theres only him. Not to say im just staying with him for company, because i do love him, but i am fully on my own and being more alone than i already am is going to be very hard. Download Tinder and you wont be alone for long. Its possible for someone to download Tinder to see what's all the fuss about., but then thats also making the assumption none of their friends have the app already on their phone that they can show the person. You'd also like to think your SO would check it out and delete within a short period. Its a risky move though in a relationship because for sure so many bf/gfs if they see it are naturally going to think 'WTF are you up to' when they find it. More so I'd say some people who are in a somewhat unfulfilling relationship might download it to check out their market value - get a confidence boost - know they have plenty of options to get some leverage in the relationship maybe. No intent to cheat, but sussing out their dating options is certainly not good sign either. You have to be mighty forgiving to give someone the benefit of the doubt though. Download the app yourself and tell him you want to see what all the fuss is about too. Say with a smile on your face, 'wow this thing is pretty cool, so many cute guys' 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Haerts Posted October 31, 2014 Share Posted October 31, 2014 Honey, as much as you describe your relationship, only YOU know how it is for you. Each member here has their own feelings regarding relationships. People are not the same, they react in a different way to different situations, therefore there's no one here that can tell you what to do or what to not do. Do you still feel like trying? Then do it! You may regret it later, but at least your regrets will come from trying and not being successful, instead of wondering whether you should've tried again or not - and honestly, I much prefer the first. But that's just me. Sometimes we go through moments in our lives that we may get weak and do something like that. Yes, there's a possibility he actually used Tinder. But there's also the possibility he didn't. At the end of the day, it's your choice to try again or not. You're still so young. I recently broke up with my BF 'cause of some of his lies, but he used to do the same to me: come back crying and begging me not to leave. I eventually did 'cause I could not bear with it anymore. But I tried until I felt comfortable and even though many people told me to get out, I still wanted to try and I absolutely do not regret any of my choices. As long as you still want to be with each other, there's still something to try. Be honest with your heart. And do whatever YOU think you should. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted October 31, 2014 Share Posted October 31, 2014 I can take as much as $5000 from it maybe more. I know I would never do it And he knows you'd never do it. That's why he gave it to you. He knows you'd never do it so there's no risk. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kassie12 Posted November 5, 2014 Author Share Posted November 5, 2014 Thanks everybody. I left him for good, and I took back the keys to my apartment, I'm hanging out with friends now, and I am definitely happier. The past 8 months with him were horrible ups and downs, and it feels good that I can move past that now. I've changed my phone number and I'm planning on moving apartments as well, just to start anew. Apparently on his Tinder account, he wrote a biography about himself so I know for a fact he was looking for girls. What a waste of 1 year and half with him. ` Moving on. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kassie12 Posted August 18, 2018 Author Share Posted August 18, 2018 Honey, as much as you describe your relationship, only YOU know how it is for you. Each member here has their own feelings regarding relationships. People are not the same, they react in a different way to different situations, therefore there's no one here that can tell you what to do or what to not do. Do you still feel like trying? Then do it! You may regret it later, but at least your regrets will come from trying and not being successful, instead of wondering whether you should've tried again or not - and honestly, I much prefer the first. But that's just me. Sometimes we go through moments in our lives that we may get weak and do something like that. Yes, there's a possibility he actually used Tinder. But there's also the possibility he didn't. At the end of the day, it's your choice to try again or not. You're still so young. I recently broke up with my BF 'cause of some of his lies, but he used to do the same to me: come back crying and begging me not to leave. I eventually did 'cause I could not bear with it anymore. But I tried until I felt comfortable and even though many people told me to get out, I still wanted to try and I absolutely do not regret any of my choices. As long as you still want to be with each other, there's still something to try. Be honest with your heart. And do whatever YOU think you should. Hi, I'm responding 4 years later because ultimately, 4 years later your advice still resonates with me. I do agree with you, that even if it is stupid and you'll have regrets, keep trying until you feel like you cant anymore so at least youll never regret your choices and knew you tried hard enough while it lasted. It may not be perfect advice, as some people blindly try again and again and again, not knowing when to get out of the relationship, but for the most part people should definitely try until they feel like they tried their hardest and can leave without regret. I recently gave this advice to my 37 year old brother who is considering a divorce. His situation is a lot more complicated than mine, but he is on the fence whether or not to proceed with the divorce or keep trying. I told him to keep trying until he feels like its enough. All i know is, this advice worked for me because 4 yrs later I know 100% that i gave my all to this relationship and left it knowing that there was nothing left to give. Thanks for your advice, 4 yrs later 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Versacehottie Posted August 18, 2018 Share Posted August 18, 2018 he asked me for one last chance last night. im thinking maybe to give him a fair chance to fix everything. i keep thinking he didnt really do anything wrong...buta part of me is telling me im so dumb for thinking that. I think the bigger issue is not whether or not that he "used" tinder but he downloaded it for sure. So the point is that he seems to be actively seeking things outside of your relationship or will jump to another person if he finds one, which he sounds a bit impulsive anyway--so he will believe there is something possibly with another person, take action and worry about consequences later. I wouldn't get into the specifics with him because he will combat those minor things to sweep the big issue under the rug. It's when you are trying to stay in the relationship that you yourself are getting caught up in the minor bits and pieces and then he debates you on them and makes you feel like you are wrong, misreading what happened or "he didn't do it". Sorry, basics...he downloaded the app...it's a matter of time until he does something on something with someone somewhere. He is not loyal to your relationship. Period. You should drop him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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