Quiet Storm Posted November 23, 2014 Share Posted November 23, 2014 This is going to be an unpopular opinion, but I've seen the reality if what these hostile divorces and court battles do to kids. I also know that parental alienation is rarely proven, and the father's emotional outbursts, while inappropriate in front of his kid, is not likely something that will impact time with his kid. I'm not saying it's right, just being realistic. He's grieving his marriage, telling his perspective, and is in emotional pain. And mom already had a new boyfriend. You can't predict what a judge will do. Judges are people with their own judgements and ideas about things. A Catholic woman moved out of the family home, got a new boyfriend... OP may not be perceived in the best light by the court. So I think the best think for the kid would be if you can save your marriage, and at least try to provide a peaceful environment for your child until he grows up. Divorce is very hard on kids, even when kids have emotionally healthy parents who both have their best interests at heart. The problem is that many parents are not emotionally healthy, have poor coping skills, put their own wants ahead of their kids needs, etc. So in my opinion, two things will happen here 1) parents divorce, dad is depressed, resentful, angry and mom is on her quest for happiness, probably always having a guy with issues in her life complicating things. He will resent mom for breaking up the family,and making dad this miserable person. Or 2)they try to save the marriage, the kid will see that mom is making an effort for him, and that she sees a value in her family that's worth saving. Make counseling a condition of reconciliation-, individual and marriage counseling. Your marriage may not be filled with romance and passion, but you can create a peaceful, stable environment for your son. Romance is not the only way to be happy- friends, activities, hobbies, your son, animals, etc. Try to repair your relationship, but be patient. Sometimes when we have kids we must sacrifice, and I think the outcome for your kid, given the way your husband is coping and your rush to be with another guy, would be better if you could stay together. Your sons life wont be perfect and may still be dysfunctional in a way, but I think it's better than the alternative, the pain that he feels, the lack of respect he may have for you, the blame he may place on you, if this continues. I'm not saying what your ex husband Is doing is right, I just think the chance of this having a positive outcome is slim. I don't think either parent is equipped to cope and put the kids best interests first right now. I don't think a court battle would be good, and I think the chance your son will blame you is high. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mommame2 Posted November 25, 2014 Author Share Posted November 25, 2014 Well he has claimed so many horrible things. He's currentlu calling businesses I've used with his (our joint) credit card on file ...and telling them that any charge I've ever made. (Even 4 years ago!) was "fraud". He's horrible to me. He took all of our furniture etc. he won't wven give me my birth certificate! So a reconciliation is not possible. Here's my problem. I now will probably lose primary custody because of my work hours. I was able to get a job 2 hours away with an excellent schedule but now he wants to fight me regarding moving. So do I take that job and show court in 6 months that I've got the perfect environment for our son and I deserve custody? Or do I stay where I'm at and lose custody because of work hours ..... I'm gonna pay child support either way. There's a possibility I will get custody and be allowed to move 2 hours away. But I've already spent 6k in a week fighting legally. I don't have much more. What do I do? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mommame2 Posted November 25, 2014 Author Share Posted November 25, 2014 Any advice is appreciated... Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted November 25, 2014 Share Posted November 25, 2014 I would look at the long-term picture and go for the job. It will pay more and lay the groundwork for you being a better provider. There is no way to second guess what a judge will decide and the burden will be on you Ex to prove you are incapable due to factors (your hours?) he will have no knowledge of. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mommame2 Posted November 25, 2014 Author Share Posted November 25, 2014 Well the problem is... If I take that job 2 hours away I will probably have to move without my son. Then I would have the possibility that in 6 months/ 1 year to prove that I can have son and work hours are great. But leaving without him will not be easy... But if I stay here and stay in same city/job... I will lose primary because of work hours too. It is ridiculous. I'm the provider and I'm punished for it. Link to post Share on other sites
DSP Posted November 28, 2014 Share Posted November 28, 2014 I'm the provider and I'm punished for it. Yes... I'm sure there are many men feeling very sorry for you right now... Welcome to what most men have to deal with. The other person in the relationship decides they don't really want to work to hard and continue to not make any money. Then the bomb is dropped and they start crying about how hard they have it. A lawyer pulls out a calculator and before you know it you're paying out a ton of money because of the hard work and effort you have put into your life you have to write out a monthly check to someone you wish would just go away and continues to be a POS while living a better life than you on your dime. You know what makes it even better? When you never wanted the child in the first place. When you barely even know the person. When you were assured they were on BC and they couldn't get pregnant. When you didn't use protection the one time and now you will have a child with someone you don't know and will have to pay out for the next 18 years of your life sometimes even more. Yeah I feel real sorry for you... If you take the job two hours away you are going to have to give up custody of your child. You will be a part time mom and see him only every other weekend and summers. Is the money worth losing even a minute with your child? You are going to get 50/50 custody if you stay. No judge is going to take that away from you. That means you will pay less support than if you moved away. It's a decision you have to make on your own. Drop your BF and stay single. Get into counseling. Why on earth would you go from one crappy relationship to the next? If you see even one red flag run the heck away. You are supposed to upgrade not downgrade after a divorce. Link to post Share on other sites
Sassy Girl Posted November 29, 2014 Share Posted November 29, 2014 I'm a child of divorced parents and a working mother. I value my career. It pays well and I've worked damn hard to get where I am But over my dead body would I ever give up custody of my children for a job. Never ever. That's my blood and i am their mother. Having a child is a full time responsibility ... Not just part time or when you feel like it. Step up. For gods sake he is 8. Be the mother he deserves 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MidwestUSA Posted November 29, 2014 Share Posted November 29, 2014 (edited) Well, the update on my situation is that my ex has hired a high power attorney and is trying to claim since he didn't have an attorney during the divorce he didn't "realize what he was signing" and is now asking for a do over. He issued a temporary restraining order so I can't leave the city with our son -- or take a new job -- and now he wants MAJOR child support from me. He's insane.... I'm not sure he's insane. You realize all the evidence is right here in this forum. You led him to believe he was signing a separation agreement so that you could bear the burden of bankruptcy. And that it 'wasn't real', you'd be 'back together' after the financial issues were settled. It sounds like he's the one making sense. And whatever he does, he needs to keep your son away from this obsessive control freak you're dating. ETA: Here's your thread on the divorce, and there are more lead up to it that show you deceived him. He has every right to take legal action against you, I'm sure. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/490533-s-time You know that I've followed your story from the start, and was supportive of you straightening out your life. I had no idea how deep your issues are. For starters, you need to learn to stand on your own two feet, without a man. Getting involved with this doctor before you were divorced, and a crazy one at that, just no. I fear more what your boyfriend is trying to do to your son than what your husband is trying to do. Seek help, as has been recommended in your many other threads. Edited November 29, 2014 by MidwestUSA Link to post Share on other sites
MidwestUSA Posted November 29, 2014 Share Posted November 29, 2014 I agree that I am not in the best place right now...my ex is just so manipulative and I am folding ...too often. I keep worrying that I am making a mistake. You are making many mistakes. It's almost amusing that you call your ex manipulative, when your crazy boyfriend has abusive controller written all over him. You know the first thing a control freak does is remove you from your family and the surroundings you're familiar with, right? Why are you afraid to be without a man? Go two years without dating, and get yourself straightened out! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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