Left His Wife A Voicemail

[FusionCutter]

Take it one day at a time. If you feel the urge to contact them, think "I'll do it tomorrow." Then think the same thing the next day.

 

That's how anyone healed anything either. Just remember going back to them hurts yourself, and hurts them.

 

Move on with your life and know that leaving them alone in their married state is the best thing you can do for yourself and them. I find that this is a really good time to focus only on yourself and the important things in your life. Work on family and close friendships. You can spend the energy there. Exercise. Build your body and use NC to build up your heart again.

 

Try to think badly of the person and fondly of the situation like a good memory. If you do the opposite, (think perfectly of the person, and horrible and angry at the situation), you will tend to fail NC.

 

It's gonna hurt. It's like swallowing glass. You have no choice. The trick isn't avoiding the hurt. That's how you can accidently break NC.

 

The trick is not minding that it hurts . That's how you'll get through this.

Edited October 28, 2014 by FusionCutter

[Poppy47]

How old are you Lynn?

I'm 67 and spent 6 years and three lots of NC periods on the A. It has been 6 months since I had contact with xMM. He is 72. We are not young chickens anymore but were closely bonded in a way that was unhealthy for both of us.

 

I also feel that I will probably never love anybody again. It's a very sad feeling and quite a bleak outlook for the future. However, I do want a future that is peaceful and sane.

 

Some counselling helped me clarify that the only way to end the A was total and absolute NC. I made a commitment to myself never to see or communicate with him again IN ANY WAY. That included FaceBook. I have never looked at his page again and never will. Numbers do not need to be blocked because he respected my wishes.

 

The counsellor explained that when we cut communication with APs it is excommunicating them. I.e. cutting off the relationship irrevocably. The affair will die without contact and communication, like any relationship.

 

We went for a walk near a beautiful river one after noon and said our final farewells. Neither one of us will disturb the other again. There was a finality about it that left me in peace.

 

There are times ( such as a few days ago) when I still miss him painfully. It will happen from time to time but I just get on with life. My well being and mental health have greatly improved. My stability has returned. None of us needs to be in a dysfunctional triangulated relationship. It was the pinnacle of insanity for 6 years.

 

Hope this helps you.

 

Warm Wishes,

Poppy

[LynnFrost]

As you may know, I was involved with a MM for nearly 3 years. Was stupidly believing he was getting a divorce. Made plans to see him in November which he'd cancel, then reschedule, then cancel ...I was losing it. My heart hurt.

 

 

So, two days ago he called and said "I think we shouldn't see each other." I then called his wife's voicemail and said "I'm LF, the woman with whom your H has been having an affair for the past 3 years. For my role in that, I am sorry, but I also feel like you should have the option to know the truth, as I believe the lies went both ways. " I left her my phone number. She hasn't called.

 

 

He called me this afternoon saying his life is over. That he still loves me. That once he finds a new job and can move out of his home he will contact me. That he wants to see me but can't be secretive anymore. He said he wasn't mad that I called his wife.

 

 

I do wonder if he just sugar coated it for her and she'll never really know how intense it was and they'll just repair their marriage. I suppose that is up to them, I know it isn't my business. I need to now just remove myself and move on the best I can. I'm at a loss as to how to do that. I function minimilistically...get my kids where they need to be and hide in my bed. Guess this is grief. It is painful.

[Georgia2014]

As you may know, I was involved with a MM for nearly 3 years. Was stupidly believing he was getting a divorce. Made plans to see him in November which he'd cancel, then reschedule, then cancel ...I was losing it. My heart hurt.

 

 

So, two days ago he called and said "I think we shouldn't see each other." I then called his wife's voicemail and said "I'm LF, the woman with whom your H has been having an affair for the past 3 years. For my role in that, I am sorry, but I also feel like you should have the option to know the truth, as I believe the lies went both ways. " I left her my phone number. She hasn't called.

 

 

He called me this afternoon saying his life is over. That he still loves me. That once he finds a new job and can move out of his home he will contact me. That he wants to see me but can't be secretive anymore. He said he wasn't mad that I called his wife.

 

 

I do wonder if he just sugar coated it for her and she'll never really know how intense it was and they'll just repair their marriage. I suppose that is up to them, I know it isn't my business. I need to now just remove myself and move on the best I can. I'm at a loss as to how to do that. I function minimilistically...get my kids where they need to be and hide in my bed. Guess this is grief. It is painful.

 

Why did you see him for 3 years knowing it was wrong? I do think he got what he deserved for his part in it you telling his wife.

 

You are crazy if you get back with him once he gets a new job and he moves out. It's obvious he sugar coated the affair. He doesn't want to loose his wife.

 

You should go to you tube and play Tanya Tucker's song Soon. It's about a woman who gives in to a man knowing he is taken. She finally had enough of hearing him say soon they will be together. When he showed up at her door it was then her turn to say soon.

[FusionCutter]

Lynn, you gotta own up to your own wrongdoings.

[Loveless77]

As you may know, I was involved with a MM for nearly 3 years. Was stupidly believing he was getting a divorce. Made plans to see him in November which he'd cancel, then reschedule, then cancel ...I was losing it. My heart hurt.

 

 

So, two days ago he called and said "I think we shouldn't see each other." I then called his wife's voicemail and said "I'm LF, the woman with whom your H has been having an affair for the past 3 years. For my role in that, I am sorry, but I also feel like you should have the option to know the truth, as I believe the lies went both ways. " I left her my phone number. She hasn't called.

 

 

He called me this afternoon saying his life is over. That he still loves me. That once he finds a new job and can move out of his home he will contact me. That he wants to see me but can't be secretive anymore. He said he wasn't mad that I called his wife.

 

 

I do wonder if he just sugar coated it for her and she'll never really know how intense it was and they'll just repair their marriage. I suppose that is up to them, I know it isn't my business. I need to now just remove myself and move on the best I can. I'm at a loss as to how to do that. I function minimilistically...get my kids where they need to be and hide in my bed. Guess this is grief. It is painful.

 

 

 

I understand pain all too well. What made you decide to call his wife? Are you happy that he is moving out of his home?

[whichwayisup]

He called me this afternoon saying his life is over. That he still loves me. That once he finds a new job and can move out of his home he will contact me. That he wants to see me but can't be secretive anymore. He said he wasn't mad that I called his wife.

 

So, he went from ending with you, to now you getting him by default, possibly. He hasn't chosen you - His wife probably has told him to get the F out and told him to pack a bag and GO to you.

 

Time will tell what he wants to do. He may beg and want to stay with his marriage. They may divorce. Either way, get ready for the drama to happen.

[cif]

 

I do wonder if he just sugar coated it for her and she'll never really know how intense it was and they'll just repair their marriage. I suppose that is up to them, I know it isn't my business. I need to now just remove myself and move on the best I can. I'm at a loss as to how to do that. I function minimilistically...get my kids where they need to be and hide in my bed. Guess this is grief. It is painful.

 

That or she already knew. But I bet they get back together. BS prefer to be doormats over maintaining their self-respect. And one thing I've learned is MM don't leave unless they're thrown out.

[the_artist_1970]

As you may know, I was involved with a MM for nearly 3 years. Was stupidly believing he was getting a divorce. Made plans to see him in November which he'd cancel, then reschedule, then cancel ...I was losing it. My heart hurt.

 

 

So, two days ago he called and said "I think we shouldn't see each other." I then called his wife's voicemail and said "I'm LF, the woman with whom your H has been having an affair for the past 3 years. For my role in that, I am sorry, but I also feel like you should have the option to know the truth, as I believe the lies went both ways. " I left her my phone number. She hasn't called.

 

 

He called me this afternoon saying his life is over. That he still loves me. That once he finds a new job and can move out of his home he will contact me. That he wants to see me but can't be secretive anymore. He said he wasn't mad that I called his wife.

 

 

I do wonder if he just sugar coated it for her and she'll never really know how intense it was and they'll just repair their marriage. I suppose that is up to them, I know it isn't my business. I need to now just remove myself and move on the best I can. I'm at a loss as to how to do that. I function minimilistically...get my kids where they need to be and hide in my bed. Guess this is grief. It is painful.

 

LF, I really respect you for enlightening his W when he didn't have the balls to do it himself. I wish more OW would let the W know that they are sharing their husbands. Whatever the outcome, you did the right thing. It could just be that he is too afraid to leave and really does love you. This should force him to get off the fence make a decision instead of keeping two women hostage while he enjoys them both. I wish more often the OW would become an allies.

[FusionCutter]

LF, I really respect you for enlightening his W when he didn't have the balls to do it himself. I wish more OW would let the W know that they are sharing their husbands. Whatever the outcome, you did the right thing. It could just be that he is too afraid to leave and really does love you. This should force him to get off the fence make a decision instead of keeping two women hostage while he enjoys them both. I wish more often the OW would become an allies.

 

I kinda disagree. If you knowingly participate, isn't the respectful thing to just leave it alone?

[whichwayisup]

LF, I really respect you for enlightening his W when he didn't have the balls to do it himself. I wish more OW would let the W know that they are sharing their husbands. Whatever the outcome, you did the right thing. It could just be that he is too afraid to leave and really does love you. This should force him to get off the fence make a decision instead of keeping two women hostage while he enjoys them both. I wish more often the OW would become an allies.

 

The only reason she did it was because he broke up with her. If the A was still on and he hadn't ended it, she would not have left a VM on his wife's machine.

 

You mean BS and OW be allies? Never gonna happen because one is a victim and the other has made a choice by having an affair with a MM. Unless an OW was lied to about the marriage and was told he was single, that's different, both are victims.

[A.Moscote]

I do wonder if he just sugar coated it for her and she'll never really know how intense it was...

Very likely Lynn, very likely. Not many people are ready to fully admit this kind of situation, to fully exposed their own perverted capability.

Especially not a man who, based on your posts, struggle to keep to such a serious promise.

 

Hold off the affair, not like he doesn't know you want him, and see how much effort he would be ready to spend, and which direction his first steps are. Evaluate it all.

 

Anyway, I suggest you to start detaching yourself from him, physically and emotionally, as best as you can. I think that would be safer for you no matter which decision he made after this.

[ComingInHot]

Wow. She kicked him out huh...

Well, on the bright side since she doesn't want him, he's all yours*

If you two work really REALLY hard, it might work!

 

Way to have the balls to stick to her, must have felt great to unleash all that after 3 years. It certainly did for exOw. She was so mad I forgave her.

Huh. Funny how stuff works out different than we pictured isn't it?

 

Good luck OP*

[Hope Shimmers]

This is why I don't agree with the OW telling the wife - clearly it's done for retaliation purposes or for exploding the marriage rather than truly being sorry.

 

Lynn, sorry you are going through this pain and grief. Three years is a long time. I do hope you are strong enough not to take him back once he is back on his feet after being thrown out.

[Poppy47]

Lynn,

How do you know she got the message if you didn't personally speak to her?

 

Remember he could be telling you anything. Maybe HE got the message ????

 

Leave it alone now.

 

Poppy

[ComingInHot]

That or she already knew. But I bet they get back together. BS prefer to be doormats over maintaining their self-respect. And one thing I've learned is MM don't leave unless they're thrown out.

 

Not a doormat.

kicked him out.

add: he still didn't want the OW. followed me over 600 miles, I took him back Only to end it 4 years after I found out.

...still doesn't want exOW.

[Clay]

Just imagine the joy you will feel when you get back involved with this guy and start to build a life with him and then five years down the road his new girlfriend calls you and lets you know you were never his first choice.

 

I personally think you should move on and stay away from this guy and work on yourself and having a healthy relationship with someone. If you are married then why not fix your marriage and or end it so you can have a good life.

 

If your not married why not find a guy that is actually a great guy in the first place. Someone that will devote himself to you and only. None of this crazy sharing and worrying about if he is having sex with other people and lieing to you about it.

 

There is no doubt everyone deserves to be happy but if it is at the expense of others then to me it really is not all that special in the first place.

 

Clay

[the_artist_1970]

The only reason she did it was because he broke up with her. If the A was still on and he hadn't ended it, she would not have left a VM on his wife's machine.

 

You mean BS and OW be allies? Never gonna happen because one is a victim and the other has made a choice by having an affair with a MM. Unless an OW was lied to about the marriage and was told he was single, that's different, both are victims.

 

OK, you are right. I just feel it's so sad that ppl don't give other ppl the right to choose rather they want to share their partners.

[Decisiontomake]

Having been a BS who was contacted by the OW to "expose" an affair I never agree with this course of action. Coming out of being an OW myself I would NEVER contact his wife - it's not my place to do that - and I'm sorry, but it's done out of our own sense of justice (and possibly rejection), so I don't agree with it at all. To the OP - I'm really sorry you're going through the grieving process - it sucks. My affair was 2.5 years, so not too shy of yours and it hurts like hell to close off from it - I get it entirely. What's done is done at this point, but like others have said, I wouldn't have anything to do with the AP under the circumstances you now find yourselves in - where you've forced his hand within the marriage - that foundation is way too weak and it's likely you'll be grieving in a few years time when that foundation crumbles.

[cif]

Not a doormat.

kicked him out.

add: he still didn't want the OW. followed me over 600 miles, I took him back Only to end it 4 years after I found out.

...still doesn't want exOW.

 

I know.. read it in your other thread.

So sorry and sincerely wish you the best.

[mintcondition]

Calling his wife in an effort to out the husband is just a way to share your pain and anger, but it doesn't accomplish anything. It's not about them but it's about you, specifically why did you choose be involved with a married man for three years? That's your choice, so this is about you.

 

 

If you build your house on the slope of an active volcano in lieu of a beautiful scenery, don't sue the county or city in which you reside when the volcano erupts and demolishes your house because they didn't properly warn you. If you didn't see this disaster coming then I don't know what else to say.

[ComingInHot]

I know.. read it in your other thread.

So sorry and sincerely wish you the best.

 

Thanks! I'm psyched because I have 3 dates with sing... nevermind....

[DKT3]

LF, I really respect you for enlightening his W when he didn't have the balls to do it himself. I wish more OW would let the W know that they are sharing their husbands. Whatever the outcome, you did the right thing. It could just be that he is too afraid to leave and really does love you. This should force him to get off the fence make a decision instead of keeping two women hostage while he enjoys them both. I wish more often the OW would become an allies.

only the wife was held hostage, the OW here got her options and she chose to trust in and believe a known cheater and liar. Its like having an accountant steal money then giving him your money.

 

 

The motives behind the confession is what gets to me. This wasn't a guilty or remorseful text. This was a cause a crash text. After 3 years she all of a sudden needs to tell the wife? I don't think so, I believe this was a bitter I just got dumped so I'm telling hoping that your wife tosses you out on your head text.

 

As far as what he told you OP, sounds like you won't be hearing from him for a while, unless she does toss him out.

[LynnFrost]

Why did you see him for 3 years knowing it was wrong? I do think he got what he deserved for his part in it you telling his wife.

 

You are crazy if you get back with him once he gets a new job and he moves out. It's obvious he sugar coated the affair. He doesn't want to loose his wife.

 

You should go to you tube and play Tanya Tucker's song Soon. It's about a woman who gives in to a man knowing he is taken. She finally had enough of hearing him say soon they will be together. When he showed up at her door it was then her turn to say soon.

 

 

 

For the first part of the relationship he told me his wife wanted the divorce. They were in fact separated for much of the 3 years. Regardless, yes...I know a married man is a married man. I guess I have a bit of a skewed opinion because my own divorce was very lengthy and both my exH and I started dating long before the divorce was done. Of course, we both knew this and didn't feel we were breaking any sort of vows...our marriage was done. I guess I believe people when they say their marriage is done. I did figure out he wasn't being forthcoming with how much his wife really knew...so yes, I participated in the betrayal. No excuse, but I was in love with him deeply. The mind isn't always rationale, and well...there are countless stories of such things.

 

 

 

 

I never said I was going back to him. He said he was going to come to me. What I'll do remains to be seen. And frankly, what he'll really do is an unknown as well.

[LynnFrost]

Lynn, you gotta own up to your own wrongdoings.

 

 

 

I most certainly have. On here, in real life...and to the W. I didn't call and say "Knock, Knock...Who's there?...The woman who has been f#cking your H!" I apologized and said I regret my role and left her my number if SHE wanted more info.