My ex-girlfriend's rebound/new relationship didn't work out (Updated)

[Fix]

Another update, I thought why not just carry on at this point, try and get a straight answer...

 

So a few weeks after the last short text exchange I texted her again in pretty much the same way. She replied and we chatted casually. I asked her how she was and about meeting to catch up. She asked how I was and what I'd been up to and all of that stuff, and basically said she wasn't ready to meet up up yet and that's why she's been putting it off.. Then again she just stopped texting me...

 

So I text her the next day and asked her for a straight answer to what is going on. She told me she didn't want to be friends or see me or anything any more, and that when she said before that she did it was because she hadn't been out of the hospital long and was in a weird state of mind... Hmm.

 

She kept on saying it was about moving on from what I had said. I asked her if I hadn't said it would you still feel the same way and she basically said what I said still hurts her but that she had wanted to be friends from the start.

 

Honestly, what is the point? I'm so fed up of crap that doesn't make sense and half truths and all of it... But I know if I tell myself 'Go no contact and stick to it' it'll last a week and I'll text her.

[Diezel]

Then this issue isn't about her anymore, it's about you.

[Fix]

Then this issue isn't about her anymore, it's about you.

 

I suppose so, but up until two days ago she was saying she wanted to see me when she felt a bit better... Just messing with my head really I guess.

[EgoJoe]

You're too available and she doesn't care. She's selfish and immature.

 

 

Stop texting her. You were right to lash out at her. Things didn't work out for you and she made sure that you didn't hate her and that she can always fall back on you.

 

 

Personally, let her have it again and then go no contact.

[No Limit]

You're like a dog chasing its tail. Unless you go NC for good you won't have peace. Block her.

[Fix]

But what is she actually doing? Is she even doing anything, or does she really mean it when she says she no longer wants to talk or be friends or anything?

 

She has said the same thing before, and I assumed she meant it, but then when she text me telling me about her being ill and saying she hoped we could be friends it threw me off... Now over the course of few weeks she's totally gone back on that and says that things I said in the past still hurt her.

 

What is her game, what does she want from me, if any thing?

 

It seems like if I don't contact her she will not contact me again... But if I do I feel like she will respond. So it seems like she wants something from me, but I just don't understand what. Could it be that when she messaged me asking to be friends she was expecting a different reaction than the one I gave to her?

 

When she asked to be friends I never at any point explicitly said 'I want to be your friend', and in conversations after that when she asked me about what I was doing, and where I was working and stuff like that I never told her. The reason I never was because I had asked her to meet to talk about that stuff and she never agreed to it. So why share that information on her terms?

 

There is a small part of me that thinks she is playing a game. The more I give her the less she will give back... The more I back away the more she will slowly come to me... Could this be the case? Or is the simplest answer most likely the correct one and she is just not interested any more?

[seminoles84]

So it seems like she wants something from me, but I just don't understand what.

 

You know EXACTLY what she wants. She wants to know you are still there and she can get her occasional ego boost. You are trying to convince yourself there's something else, when there isn't.

[Jimmyjackson]

You're too available and she doesn't care. She's selfish and immature.

 

 

Stop texting her. You were right to lash out at her. Things didn't work out for you and she made sure that you didn't hate her and that she can always fall back on you.

 

 

Personally, let her have it again and then go no contact.

 

She's not selfish and immature in my opinion. He;s the one initiating conversation and she's told him numerous times she's not interested in him anymore.

[RemainUnchanged]

this guy can't be real..

[Mi7522]

^^^^^ I agree. This can't be real!

[Fix]

Why can't I be real?

 

She has BPD, look into those relationships, a lot of guys get wrapped up in them.

[smuggy95]

does she really have BPD or are you just assuming that? Because..whoa buddy...you need to stop now and reset. Trust me....I am familiar with BPD on a level.

 

 

ALSO...let's just take a break. You're all 'what does she want, what is she trying to say?' STop it. You cannot guess the heart of this woman. You cannot base your actions on guessing what she wants.

 

 

What the **** do you want? ASk yourself that. IF it's to get her back, then just do it. Just go for it. If she shoots you down clearly- You ****ing move on.

 

 

If she has BPD- it will never be clear. And If you don't get a clear answer, that's the same as a no.

 

 

Tell her your intention. The reason why you don't, and instead waste time sit and analyze her brain, is because I think you're afraid of the answer.

 

 

I do that too.

[smuggy95]

And the guys who get wrapped in BPD relationships are co-dependent. So...self-awareness is good, but you cannot stop there. Fix yourself.

[Fix]

So here I am, 6/7 months later. It doesn't hurt as much any more, my appetite is almost back to normal but I still feel lost and confused, hurt and lonely.

 

I'm sure all of you who have been through a break up have had similar experiences. These things make you very introspective, I'm looking at myself and my life in different ways, but I know I'm still wrapped up in her and everything that went along with being with her. I sit back and think to myself 'What do I want, what will make me happy?', and every time the answer is the same - Her. She is what I want, she is what will make me happy.. But if I dig a little deeper I can see it's not just about wanting her back, it's about wanting my life with her back. I felt like I had direction, like I was on a path when I was with her. Although I never consciously thought it I suppose in the back of my head I was thinking 'We'll get out own place together(Which we were in the process of doing when we split up), then we'll probably have kids and get married at some point'. That seemed like set path, like what I was supposed to be doing... I realise that everything was focused towards her.

 

Now I'm single. Away from her and her family and the life we had together I am starting to realise that I am empty as a person. I was living for her, I was doing everything in my life based on what she would want and how we would progress. I very rarely put my foot down and always give in to what she wanted... And now I'm starting to think I let this happen because I had, and still have, no idea what it is that I actually like or want in my life. I'm a lost soul, I feel like I'm adrift. I have no hobbies, or even likes. I'm currently on a week off work and I have nothing I enjoy, nothing that excites me. I know a big part of this feeling is due to being depressed, but I also think back to when I was with her. I had nothing then either, just devotion to her. I don't really have any friends, I'm not close to my family and never see them. I have nothing to live for, no passions, and I actually feel scared to let myself get wrapped up in anything. I wont even let myself watch a TV series...

 

So instead of just letting go an enjoying something I put all my focus into talking to girls from dating sites, meeting the ones I can, but I never develop any feelings for them. The first few I met I was just looking for an instant relationship, to fill the gap that was left. I was in a very strange state of mind at the time too, in shock I suppose, so I had a 'I don't give a ****' attitude. This lead to me either coming on too strong to early in terms of telling girls I liked them, which scared them off... Or I would just show no real interest and this usually lead to them wanting me...

 

I feel like I can't form any real connection with anyone, like I'm detached. My mind just constantly wonders back to her, and what if's... I feel like I want her and our life back.. But then there is a part of me that knows that if I did get it it wouldn't make me happy. It wouldn't be how I am picturing it. She is a special person, but she's also damaged and mentally unwell, plus she no longer loves or cares for me any way. Perhaps she never did truly, I was just the right person at the time, for a while, but not any more.

 

On paper she is having a hard time, she is struggling, things have not worked out as planned for her at all. Yet I'm still jealous that she has her family around her, her safety net, her life and I'm kicked out of it and left to figure it all out for myself in a daze.

 

I have a job and support myself, I'm getting by. Since we broke up over the past six months she has had a break down and left her job and is now getting by with the help of the government.

 

She left me, cheated on me, strung me along with 'Let's be friends', then ignored me when she got into a 'relationship' with a guy who had a partner. Then came back and told me she wanted me us to be friends again, to then a week later tell me she changed her mind about it.

 

This is not a nice person, not on paper. Yet I miss her and care for her and would forgive her, but she simply does not want me.

 

I feel like I don't exist. I spent so long getting her into my life, to be mine. She became my goal, then I eventually got her and had my time with her and then I let it slip away. It was doomed from the start yet I still can not let go.

 

I've met other girls, been on dates with them, everything, yet I feel no better for it. I feel nothing for them, they're just distractions but even with them my mind wonders back to her.

 

Don't know why I'm writing this, just to do it really. Not looking for an answers, I know there aren't any.

[lolablue17]

You've said it all. She's like a drug. You feel the desire to have it, but it won't make you happy. it will bury you.

 

She is not good for you and even if she came back now and said she loves you and wants you back, it would have been destroyed you slowly. Because she prevents you to develop and grow and be independent. She is poison. You cannot be happy with her. It's not love, It's an addiction.

 

I advise you to go to therapy to get rid of that addiction.

[Fix]

Guess I'm using this thread as my my blog or relationship diary at this point...

 

So I'm finally for the first since we broke up at a point where I have no contact or connection to her. I'm on a forced no contact I suppose. Her profile was up on a dating site, it no longer is, she was on facebook but she has deleted it, she has even changed her whatsapp settings. My guess is all this is because she has a new boyfriend, or is starting a new relationship so she's trying to do it all cleanly... The last time I spoke to her was through text at the start of the month as we're on a shared insurance policy until March and they had failed to take any money for this month. I asked her if she knew why, she said because of Christmas/new years holidays, I said okay. That was it.

 

I want to try and give a brief run down of what things have been like for me from break up until now, and hopefully some of you have been through the same thing and are now further along and can give me some advice.

 

Ended in July, she was talking to and seeing a guy from work behind my back. I caught her on the phone to him, we argued, she said she no longer loved me we split up. I naively told myself at the time that she was being honest when she told me they were just friends and nothing was going on... We spent a month or so still texting and occasionally seeing each other, we even took a trip out together for the day and had a lot fun... Then she started to ignore me. She was seeing this guy from work, but he also had a girlfriend and a family... From what I have worked out they we're sleeping with each other, he was saying they'd be together, in the end he left and went back to his girlfriend... Here is where things get more messy, she has always been emotionally unstable and with all of this going on clearly things had gotten worst. Around the end of October she took an overdose, left a suicide note and all of that business... I know about this as she text me in the middle of November asking 'Can I tell you something?' I told her yes and she preceded to tell me what had happened... I tried during this conversation to ask her why she'd done it, in some way I was hoping she would say in was in part due to some guilt she felt for treating me the way she had, but no, nothing... So, she cheats on me, strings me along as 'friends' for a month or so, then her interest goes to the guy from work, that fails and she takes everything really badly. The day she took the overdose she also quit her job... Then about a month after all that she texts me and to tell me about it. In that conversation I ask her why is she telling me about it and she says because she hopes we can be friends... We texted back and fourth for a day or so and then she simply stop replying... I was still in love with her so I tried to text her and talk to her a few times after that point. She would reply for a while and then just ignore me again. A month or so of this I finally just ask her what the deal is and she says that she thinks we shouldn't talk any more and we both need to move on...

 

So we've been broken up 7 months or so, but this is really the first month where I feel like the connection is dead, and I feel horrible for all kinds of reasons. During this time I've been on dates with 7 or 8 girls and they never went anywhere as I was always thinking they don't compare to my ex. I wasn't as attracted to them or didn't feel that connection. My mind would always be drifting back to her and these other girls just stood no chance...

 

Now I'm in a weird place. I'm still hung up on her, I guess I feel like I'm going through a second wind of the break up now that I have no idea what is going on in her life but have my suspicions that she is seeing someone... I've met someone new this past month, and even though it's very early days, this is the first girl I have felt like I'm actually attracted to and interested in to the point that I could see myself actually caring for them and risking my heart for them so to speak. Every other girl I was thinking 'She's not as pretty as my ex, my ex was sexier than her..', but this new girl I actually find it hard to admit that she possibly more attractive than my ex.

 

The past few days I've had the thoughts of texting my ex, but I honestly have no idea what I'd say. It'd be pointless and I feel like she is so far past all of this that it'd just be weird to her... I miss her as a friend also, I hate the fact that we'll never just talk again and make each other laugh as we used to get on so well that way, but it seems as if that kind of relationship is just impossible as so much has gone between us now. It's like this person I care about is lost forever, but I know she still exists, she's a text away. It's so weird, it's like having someone you care about die and then being told 'Oh if you just press this button they can come back'. It's near impossible not to do, and I guess it's that feeling that makes no contact so hard for so many people.

 

I haven't seen her in person in six months. I have no idea how that would feel. I haven't heard her voice in almost as long, and just one text in this last month. I can still picture her, I still dream about her, I think of her constantly, but why? And why doesn't she care? Before we were a couple we texted all day everyday for years, then we started a relationship and spent all out time together, then we lived together for over a year and she just doesn't miss me at all. It's like nothing we did together or shared left any kind of impact on her, she just brushed it off and moved on. Otherwise she would text me, right? She would reach out in some way, tell me she missed me, if she actually cared at all.

 

I'm scared to move on, I'm scared that she's gone, I'm scared that I don't know what she's doing and how she's feeling. I clearly still care a lot for this person and with everything that's happened and everything she's done I don't even know why. Is this just the way it is, some people get under your skin and they always have a piece of you? I never though when it ended that it'd be 7 months later and I'd still feel this way. I read stories on here of guys saying they still missed their ex a year later and couldn't move on and thought to myself 'No way, that can't happen, I wont be like that', but here I am, the past seven months have past in the blink of an eye, just a blur of emotion and depression and honestly very little progress. I suppose this was the loss of my first love and it's hit me hard. Now I feel lost and very lonely. There is no quick fix and there is no escaping it, I guess the fact is I am going to feel like crap for a while, a long while, and that's just the way it works.

 

They say relationships are a learning experience, and I would agree with that, but I also feel that they make you colder. When things end badly, aka you are dumped, you lose something, as if my belief in love is gone. Now it seems like relationships are more of a calculation, just enough in common and just enough attraction that you're both okay with it and then don't fall too deeply. Be with someone you care less about, someone you're less attracted to, it's safer.. Or do you risk it on someone who blows you away but could rip your heart in two?

 

I want to be a good person, a happy person a well rounded person, and I'm sure most here would say that by being that person and loving myself I will attract into my life someone who is also good and happy and well rounded, but my problem is I'm scared. I'm scared of being alone while I work on myself, I'm scared of my ex moving on while I push myself to forget about her, I'm scared of failing. I'm living in fear, I'm living a life filled with self doubt, self pity and anxiety. I can be a better person, I've been a better person, and I currently have more capability and tools within myself to progress and improve than I have ever had before. Yet I'm terrified to use them. I know more about life and people and relationships and everything really than I ever have before, yet I'm so scared.

 

I want to feel free of all of this, I feel like I'm being weighed down by everything. I want that moment of clarity where everything shifts and I feel myself relax and be at ease, but maybe that isn't coming? Maybe it has to be a slow build and the hard work has to be done, bit by bit? It all feels like such a mess, like I'm filled with some swirling chaos that is her and my fear for the future combined. I need order and peace and I can't find in in all this racket. I wasted a lot of years of my life as I was socially a late bloomer and I'm still playing catch up to this day. I always feel as though I'm behind everyone else, that they have it all mapped out, but what I am coming to realise is that probably isn't that case. No one knows for sure, no one has the answers... I can't accept that there is no path, there is no one road to follow. I thought and to some degree still do, that she was my path, but maybe that's no the case. Maybe there is no path, maybe I'm just in the middle of a desert, and there are no sign posts, and I just have to pick a direction and start moving. Then it's up to me to do what I want with what I find. I can make the best of it or I can moan about how it's not good enough and not exactly what I wanted... Maybe there's never been a path, you just go one way and you begin a new journey, and then one day that journey ends and you go back to the middle of that desert again and start over. Hopefully you learn a few things along the way and have some good times, and they make you stronger and more successful in your next journey, but eventually you always go back to that starting point. Never assume anything, relationships especially, is permanent. Anything and everything can, and probably will, change.